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401
401
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an educational and inspirational poem. The most wanted theme is the hub of this poem and I find it is interesting to read and learn about living and how to achieve the goal we seek.

When we know God’s words and follow the same in our courses of living, we find, sure, there is achievement of goal that we seek or cherish.

Man is keen to go to heaven and seek God’s favour, grace, help and guidance.

It is true that mere prayer to God cannot help one to achieve one’s goal.
God’s active influence on the achievement of goals is the matter. You say, righteous living in tune, as per the essence and true living in terms of God’s advice for living help us achieve our goal and based on our perfect, pure and true dedicated, committed living (righteous living) we get God’s favour and make us eligible to have an entry into heaven if and only if God finds our performance in living makes us eligible to enjoy an eternal state of living.

And we must appreciate God’s plan for us and accordingly we should try to achieve our goal to keep God happy with our performance.

You have offered good thoughts to help man to be influenced by God and help man to work for and achieve his goal sought for.

We must know we should work and live our courses of living at par with the essence, grace, grandeur, governance, gravity, volume, harmony, note, song, words and direction of God.

We can achieve our goal when we keep our faith in God and act righteously.

We should know how to praise and appreciate God and sing God’s songs.

Title of the poem is appropriate, correct and significant and catchy.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! 1174/T-10102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
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#1300305 by Maryann



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402
402
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have written a good poem. I like the truth spoken about.

The word of wisdom is true. You have expressed your state of wisdom in practice of the wisdom of words.

The title of the poem is appropriate, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough, I find, evidently, the title of the poem relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.

Edit and comments:

QUOTES AND WORDS OF WISDOM
(Quotes and Words of Wisdom)

Use of capital letters is not bad. I think it is not good to write the title of a poem. I know title of a poem is not a headline or a news headline.

Edit and comments:

QUOTES AND WORDS OF WISDOM THAT INSPIRE AND UPLIFT THE SOUL
(Quotes and words of wisdom that inspire and uplift the soul)

I think, unless there is a specific purpose, for example, like writing a title of an acrostic poem or verse where each letter or alphabet is important, as I find, there is no need of repeating the same word or all words in capital for information.


Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly offered some suggestions and comments, and you are free to accept or reject any.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! 1173/T-10102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
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#1300305 by Maryann



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403
403
Review of Writers Block  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, you have expressed your intense feeling, and state and status of your block, as you feel and find there is no flow of muse for writing and in order to get a temporary relief of mind or good feeling you have planned for drinking a glass of coke with whiskey, as if you had no peace of mind at the feeling of writer’s block and you wanted to enjoy life, not necessarily passion for writing, but to pass time you decided to enjoy drinking.


I liked the feeling you exposed in words.


Title of the poem is appropriate and significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough, I find, evidently, the title of the poem relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.


Edit and comments:

I'm stumped,
There is no flow.

(I'm stumped.
There is no flow.)

Or,

(I'm stumped,
there is no flow.)

Or,

(I'm stumped
There is no flow)

Howsoever, these two lines are not interrelated and clear to me, I mean two lines are not expressive, the second line is not complete; I have a general question about the line for I do not understand which flow or what flow about which you are talking about, though assumingly, I understand the purpose and thought about the line. I think you have used poetic licence in the second line.


Edit and comments:

Pour a glass of coke,
With whiskey ya know.

(Pour a glass of coke
with whiskey ya know.)

Or,

(Pour a glass of coke
With whiskey ya know)


Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and corrected lines or sentences of the poem; you are free to accept or reject any of the suggestions and or comments, as edits in the brackets and comments as above.


Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! 1189/W-09102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
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#1300305 by Maryann



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404
404
Review of Mercy  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I liked this story, maybe it is real, but I find you have ordered and voiced a good, simple and emphatic taletelling, the most tragic part of the tale is well conveyed; I enjoyed the read; the feeling and intensity and plot progression is likeable.


I am happy that you maintained a good beginning, if not catchy with a skimmed and organized middle with a climax and a fateful or tragic ending.


Title of this chapter of your novel work in progress is good and significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a fiction or novel maybe in addition, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough, I find, evidently, the title of this chapter relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the chapter of the novel.


It was not a pleasant read in full for there is no space between two paragraphs. It is just like a run on sentence.

Edit:

I gaze out the window, and see him. From the light from my neighbors porch, I can see him, leaning against the peach tree. I know that he can see me, and there is no avoiding him. So, I quietly climb out of my window, and scale down the wall. I know that I make as much as a peep, I am dead. My parents would never allow us to be a thing. Or any boy and I. But still, I make my way towards him. He watches my every move, slowly nodding his head in approval.
"What took you so long? I have been standing out here for an hour!" He whispers, obviously annoyed.
"Well I'm sorry Cole, I cannot be caught today, neither can you for a while." I retorted.
"And why would that be?" Cole asks obliviously.
"Because, you got me pregnant!"
"Emma, that is a very sick joke. You can't be pregnant, that's not possible!" Then he saw the look on my face. "Oh my god, you're serious, aren't you?" I nodded.
"Dammit, Emma! Why?"
"Um, don't look at me! You did it too! MY parents are going to KILL ME! Do you understand that?"
"That's it. We're done. Comma is now a thing of the past. Good luck with the demon." He growled. This was a side of him I had never seen before.
"COLE! YOU CAN'T LEAVE! GODDAMMIT, WHY CAN"T YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS?!" I screamed after him, knowing that I was going to wake up my entire family. But I did not care. My life was completely falling apart.
"EMMA SAMANTHA LIVINGSTON! What in god's name do you think you are doing at this time of night?!" My father seethed, anger radiating off of him.
"You wouldn't understand." I wept, "I'm pregnant."
"Get your things."
"What?" I asked.
"You heard me. Get your things now! Leave my house, you are no longer welcome here!"
I obliged, terrified. I walked out onto my street, with only a small suitcase of clothes, and my purse with $150. I found my way into town, and slept on a park bench.



(I gaze out the window, and see him. From the light from my neighbors porch, I can see him, leaning against the peach tree. I know that he can see me, and there is no avoiding him. So, I quietly climb out of my window, and scale down the wall. I know that I make as much as a peep, I am dead. My parents would never allow us to be a thing. Or any boy and I. But still, I make my way towards him. He watches my every move, slowly nodding his head in approval.

"What took you so long? I have been standing out here for an hour!" He whispers, obviously annoyed.

"Well I'm sorry Cole, I cannot be caught today, neither can you for a while." I retorted.

"And why would that be?" Cole asks obliviously.

"Because, you got me pregnant!"

"Emma, that is a very sick joke. You can't be pregnant, that's not possible!" Then he saw the look on my face. "Oh my god, you're serious, aren't you?" I nodded.

"Dammit, Emma! Why?"

"Um, don't look at me! You did it too! MY parents are going to KILL ME! Do you understand that?"

"That's it. We're done. Comma is now a thing of the past. Good luck with the demon." He growled. This was a side of him I had never seen before.

"COLE! YOU CAN'T LEAVE! GODDAMMIT, WHY CAN"T YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS?!" I screamed after him, knowing that I was going to wake up my entire family. But I did not care. My life was completely falling apart.

"EMMA SAMANTHA LIVINGSTON! What in god's name do you think you are doing at this time of night?!" My father seethed, anger radiating off of him.

"You wouldn't understand." I wept, "I'm pregnant."

"Get your things."

"What?" I asked.

"You heard me. Get your things now! Leave my house, you are no longer welcome here!"
I obliged, terrified. I walked out onto my street, with only a small suitcase of clothes, and my purse with $150. I found my way into town, and slept on a park bench.)



Edit and comments:

Or any boy and I.

This is not a clear, complete or full sentence. This is inexpressive. I find no way to edit it. I could not offer any suggestion for this sentence. I think, you need to rewrite this sentence.


Edit and comments:

He whispers, obviously annoyed.
This is an inexpressive sentence.

(He whispers, obviously seems annoyed.)

Or,

(He whispers, obviously looks annoyed.)

Or,

(He whispers, obviously he appears / seems / looks annoyed.)


Edit:

"Well I'm sorry Cole, I cannot be caught today, neither can you for a while." I retorted.

("Well, I'm sorry Cole, I cannot be caught today, and neither can you for a while." I retorted.)


Edit:

"Because, you got me pregnant!"

This is a grammatically incorrect sentence and it needs to be rewritten; I’m sorry, I cannot offer any suggestion for this sentence, I think, the use of the word ‘because’ is not clear and correct.


Edit and comments:

"COLE! YOU CAN'T LEAVE! GODDAMMIT, WHY CAN"T YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS?!"
I think, use of all words in capital letters is not good, words carry their own emphasis and importance or appeal to the readers, use of capital letters or words is not commendable.

WHY CAN”T
(Why can’t)
You have used double inverted comma for the word can’t.


Edit and comments:

"COLE! YOU CAN'T LEAVE! GODDAMMIT, WHY CAN"T YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS?!"

("Cole, you can’t leave. Goddamnit, why can’t you take responsibility for your actions?”)
Using both note of interrogation or mark of interrogation and note of exclamation in the sentence is wrong grammatically.


Edit and comments:
"EMMA SAMANTHA LIVINGSTON! What in god's name do you think you are doing at this time of night?!"

("Emma Samantha Livingston! What in god's name do you think you are doing at this time of night?")
Double punctuation marks in a sentence are grammatically wrong.


Edit:

Leave my house, you are no longer welcome here!

(Leave my house; you are no longer welcome here!)



Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly offered some suggestions, changed words, and corrected lines or sentences of the poem grammatically, you are free to accept or reject any of the suggestions and or comments, as edits in the brackets and comments as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem; you could use Author’s Notes, if you liked to help readers understand your work clearly; I know writers on public should write not only for self-satisfaction but also for readers satisfaction in the read, and understanding and or appreciation of the work.


Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! 1188/W-09102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
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#1300305 by Maryann



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405
405
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a good write-up; I find you have mentioned the genres are not clear to me, so I think this is a write-up, since it is neither an essay nor an article, I know writing.com does not provide any genre ‘write-up’ so you have chosen genres rightly.


You have expressed the theme nicely, and explained attributes to achieve success but you have clearly offered some tips to be considered or thought of or planned on the path to achieve success in life.


Title of the work or write-up is appropriate, correct and significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a work maybe in addition, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough, I find, evidently, the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the work.


The work is not properly paragraphed, the first few paragraphs reads like a run on sentence, for there is no space in between two paragraphs.

Edit:

Greatness is not achieved by assumption but a step. Many people are terrified by fear, fear of not making it through the storm. A good soldier is never scared of going to war neither does he lost focus of returning home.
Don't assume the road to success is rough because people told you its rough. When someone tells you:
Hey, you see that road pointing to a specific direction, ‘‘that is the road to success but its rough, you can take the other road ’’

(Greatness is not achieved by assumption but a step. Many people are terrified by fear, fear of not making it through the storm. A good soldier is never scared of going to war neither does he lost focus of returning home.

Don't assume the road to success is rough because people told you its rough. When someone tells you:

Hey, you see that road pointing to a specific direction, ‘‘that is the road to success but its rough, you can take the other road ’’)


Edit and comments:

The Road to success is smooth
(The road to success is smooth.)

Though, it is clear that you have used this line as title of the work, but it is not clearly written.


Edit and comments:

A good soldier is never scared of going to war neither does he lost focus of returning home.
This is an inexpressive sentence, and I find, it is grammatically wrong.

(A good soldier is never scared of going to war, either, he does not lost focus of returning home.)

Or,

(A good soldier is neither scared of going to war nor he lost focus of returning home.)

Or,

(A good soldier is neither scared of going to war, nor he lost focus of returning home.)


Edit and comments:

Success is like puzzle, it is scattered but it takes Patience and wise ones to sit and arrange.
I find the use of the word ‘Patience’ is not correctly written.

(Success is like puzzle, it is scattered but it takes patience and wise ones to sit and arrange.)


Edit and comments:

Their are some certain things you must consider if you must succeed:

This is an inexpressive sentence. Besides, it has wrong grammatical use.

(There are some certain things you must consider if you wish to succeed.)


Edit:

The word Tomorrow is abstract you can't see it.

(The word tomorrow is abstract you cannot see it.)

Or,

(The word ‘tomorrow’ is abstract and you cannot see it.)

Or,

(The word tomorrow is abstract that you cannot see.)


Edit:

Yes, they will discourage you, you will feel distracted but don't forget it was your step that attracted them.

(Yes, they will discourage you and you will feel distracted but, do not forget it was your step that attracted them.)


Edit:

One great thing that makes people failures is ASSUMPTION.

(One great thing that makes people failure is assumption.)


Edit:

Most people start to assume once they fail once; ‘‘ assuming i did it like this i would have been successful ’’.

(Most people start to assume once they fail once; ‘‘assuming if I did it like this I would have been successful’’.)


Edit:

Stay positive ‘‘ thou many people might fall when they pass through this stage ’’.

(Stay positive ‘‘though many people might fall when they pass through this stage’’.)


Edit:

If you fight and lost that doesn't grantee you will always loose in every fight ‘stay positive’.

(If you fight and lost that doesn't guarantee you will always loose in every fight ‘stay positive’.)


Edit:

‘‘that is the road to success but its rough, you can take the other road ’’

(‘‘that is the road to success but it is rough, you can take the other road’’.)


Please check, I think it is necessary, I have humbly offered some suggestions, changed words, and corrected lines grammatically; you are free to accept or reject any, as edits in the brackets as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your work; you could use Author’s Notes effectively, if you wish.


Well done overall; thank you for sharing this work with us.

Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! 1186/W-09102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
406
406
Review of First Day  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You have expressed your first day, as you retired yesterday, and you have passed your first day differently, after retirement, since it was Friday, and Friday is same as other day off, and you are happy that you have renewed your lapsed membership with Writing.Com; you are free, almost free to write.

You have expressed clearly but not impressively.

Title of the essay is appropriate and correct, if not catchy; I expect a title of an essay maybe in addition, complete, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough, I find the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the essay.

Edit and comments:

Friday is usually my day off anyhow, so it was the same as any other day off.
I think this essay is not a legal document; there is use of the word ‘so’ is redundant.
The line may be more expressive and appropriate for an essay:
Friday is usually my day off; it was the same as any other day off.

Edit and comments:

I deposited my next to the last paycheck into my bank, and I had breakfast out with my wife.
In this sentence the use of the word ‘next’ is not clear to me or it is inexpressive, though I understand what you wish to mean.

In this sentence the use of the word ‘into’ is not clear to me, or I think, it is inexpressive, though I understand the meaning.

In this sentence the use of the word ‘out’ is inexpressive or I say, it is not clear to me, interestingly enough, I understand what you have tried to mean.
For more expressiveness and clarity I suggest the line as follows:

I deposited my last paycheck with my bank, and I had breakfast out (at a restaurant or hotel) with my wife.

Or,

I deposited my last paycheck with / in my bank and I had breakfast out at a restaurant with my wife.

Or,

I deposited my last paycheck with my bank. With my wife I had breakfast at a restaurant.

Or,

I deposited my last paycheck with my bank. I had breakfast with my wife at a restaurant.

Edit and comments:

Oh, and I renewed my lapsed membership with Writing.com!
In an essay, though it is a personal essay, expression of exclamation maybe avoided. I think it may be expressed as follows:

I renewed my lapsed membership with Writing.Com.

Or,
I was happy to renew my lapsed membership with Writing.Com.

Edit:
Now there is time to write and, importantly, to have more time to think about what I write.
(Now, there is time to write and importantly, to have more time to think about what I write.)

Please check, I think it is necessary, I have humbly offered some suggestions, changed words, and corrected lines grammatically; you are free to accept or reject any, as edits in the brackets and comments as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your essay; you could use Author’s Notes effectively.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this essay with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! 1184/W-09102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
407
407
Review of Frozen hope  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, you have expressed your state of mind, stand of feeling, order of taletelling, the environment rightly and intensity of your feeling in the chilly breeze of crisp winter, and you could not find anyone to guide you and stood alone in an ocean of beauty and felt and found the pain from the love that you have allowed to go.


So this is a poem of love and loss of love and feeling the pain in cold weather. You feel your hope is frozen at the moment when you stood alone in an ocean of beauty, because you have left the love afar.


Still I find the title of the poem is good, if not catchy; though, the theme of loss is not clearly explored and expressed; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough, I find, evidently, the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.


Edit:

Frozen hope
Frozen Hope


Edit:

In the volume of the unbroken silence. (This line in inexpressive, full stop is redundant, since it is not a sentence; I think this needs to be rewritten.)


Edit:

The chilly breeze upon my open face.
(This is an incomplete sentence, and it is inexpressive; I think this is required to be rewritten. The feeling is not clearly expressed.)


Edit:

Standing alone in an ocean of beauty.

(Again, this is an incomplete sentence and it is inexpressive as such. This should be rewritten. Here, the subject is not clear, so it is not a sentence, as you have put a full-stop at the end.)


Edit:

I find the pain from the love I let go.

(This is inexpressive; point is not clear to me. It may be rewritten as the pain is not clear, the love you talk about is not clear.)

I feel pain from my love I let go.

Or,

I feel pain from my love I have left.

Or,

I feel pain from my love I have left behind.

Or,

I feel pain from my love I have left afar.


Please check, I think it is necessary, I have humbly offered some suggestions, changed words, and corrected lines grammatically; you are free to accept or reject any, as edits in the brackets as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem; you could use Author’s Notes effectively; I find you have not used Author’s Notes for clarity of expression.


Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.


Write that may be readable for years. Keep Writing! W-09102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
408
408
Review of Same Black Line  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like your poem (free verse poetry) about a mystic state of black line that affects your living,
I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, and the monologue flavour of taletelling your state of living and people’s attitude toward your stand of living, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the word imagery, the word visuals, and the read.

Title of the poem is appropriate, and significant, if not catchy; as per rule, I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, captivating, complete, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough, I find the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.

Edit:

A tricky poem that would not leave me alone so like always I wroye it all out.
(It is a tricky poem that would not leave me alone; so like always, I wrote it all out.)

Edit and comments:

My world is white
My escape is blank
Waiting for me

(My world is white
my escape is blank
waiting for me.)

A truthful word about righteous state of living in appreciation, a conscious viewpoint about living is explored and expressed.

Edit and comments:

Always screaming
If you please
Come to my side
Open every eye
Widen every notion
Beginning with
An irreversible introspection

(Always screaming
if you please
come to my side
open every eye
widened every notion
beginning with
an irreversible introspection.)

A fair view about people’s attitude and people’s support has been expected.

Edit and comments:

Then leading to
A monochromatic vacation
Where I am the only guest
No one else will dare come
They all believe that I am insane
A crazy man with something to say
An enslaved artist burdened by his craft
And monstrous visions that often attack
Leaving me unapproachable

(Then leading to
a monochromatic vacation
where I am the only guest.
No one else will dare come.
They all believe that I am insane.
A crazy man with something to say
an enslaved artist burdened by his craft
and monstrous visions that often attack
leaving me unapproachable.)

Viewpoint and attitude of people about your crazy state and stand of living, all speak how helpless you are in the society to live in and you have no control over people’s attitude towards your movement and stand of movement in courses of living as you wish to live at your natural order that people would never appreciate properly though they have no direct control over your steps of living at large.

Edit and comments:

Deeming me completely impossible
Few know anything who I am really am
Behind many falsehoods I hide
Those who know some semblance of truth
Assert their right to be repulsed
With their crooked fingers they point
At such a continuous junction
They are all one and the same

(Deeming me completely impossible, only
few know anything who and what I really am.
Behind many falsehoods I hide.
Those who know some semblance of truth
assert their right to be repulsed
with their crooked fingers they point
at such a continuous junction
they are all one and the same.)

Again, you have evaluated people and their motives, attitudes, views, viewpoints or points of view about your natural living, putting you in a world of changes to get in to see the expected orders of living to their term of appreciation for living, but people with their crooked sentiments never appreciate and support your term of living as they ever try hard to cling you to the backward and put you in dark and devastating state of living to prove you a failure.

Edit and comments:

My world is white
My everything is the blank page
Waiting to be filled
Begging to be stained
Only then will it be
Utterly changed in every way
Never again to be the same
But rather a masterpiece
Of insanity and nonconformity

(My world is white.
My everything is the blank page
waiting to be filled
begging to be stained.
Only then it will be
utterly changed in every way.
It will never again to be the same
but, rather a masterpiece
of insanity and nonconformity.)

So you find your stand and level, state and status of living remain the same, as you never find any possibility of change, as if you are destined to follow the rut, uncontrollably you seem to be maintaining a non-conforming fair state of living. The same black line is there invisibly and affects your life.

Edit and comments:

I cannot help myself
I cannot change the man I am
I can only do my best to express
To lend words, flooding the emptiness
That no matter how hard I try
I just can’t seem to fill
Between every poem written
Between every contradiction
Is the same black line
Dividing my world of white
Letting me know that one page
One reality has bled unto the next
Once such a line is crossed
There is no turning back

(I cannot help myself.
I cannot change the man I am.
I can only do my best to express
to lend words, flooding the emptiness.
That no matter how hard I try
I just can’t seem to fill
between every poem written
between every contradiction
is the same black line
dividing my world of white
letting me know that one page,
one reality has bled unto the next,
once such a line is crossed
there is no turning back.)

Here you have explained the truth, how helpless you find yourself, though you try, there is no change in the state of the same black line.

Edit and comments:
Only advancing on
Until my point is made
Until my vision is conveyed
Until my world of white
Is the furthest thing
From everything that white means
Only then can I erase what was said
Only then can I express what is next
The same black line finds me each time
The same white nothing screams
Finding only temporary relief

(Only advancing on
until my point is made,
until my vision is conveyed,
until my world of white
is the furthest thing
from everything that white means
only then I can erase what was said,
only then I can express what is next.
The same black line finds me each time.
The same white nothing screams
finding only temporary relief.)

And you find no way but to live on, for life is meant for living and struggling and not to stop and you cannot stop living only for the line.

Edit and comments:

An irreversible introspection
Will begin as it always does
A monochromatic vacation
Will follow suit
The blank page will scream
Every detainable idea will become free
Every conviction will escape
Until I have no convictions left
Until I am deep within forever’s death
Only when this mind and these hands
Cease to function as is will I stop
Until then my world of white
Will be filled with everything
That I am capable of…

(A monochromatic vacation
will follow suit.
The blank page will scream, and
every detainable idea will become free.
Every conviction will escape
until I have no convictions left,
until I am deep within forever’s death
only when this mind and these hands
cease to function as is will I stop
until then my world of white
will be filled with everything
that I am capable of.)

You like a common man, you are hopeful and you wish a change but you never know what will happen in the future as you find yourself capable of crossing the point and you may come out with a flying colour.

My favourite lines of the poem:

until I am deep within forever’s death
only when this mind and these hands
cease to function as is will I stop
until then my world of white
will be filled with everything
that I am capable of.)

You may please check, I have humbly offered suggestions, and have changed words, and have grammatically corrected lines and or sentences of your poem, you are free to accept or reject any of my suggestions, as edits in the brackets as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem; those who say there is no need of following grammar or punctuation in poems, as poems are meant for reading or reading aloud, I write for them, poems are written first, so rules of writing or rules for writing poems should be maintained, no excuse of rules on any pleas; you may use Author’s Notes to help the readers understand your work and your style of expression in appreciation.

I am proud to write this review of your poem which you created and posted about seven years ago, though, I think, you may think there is no need of edit and comments today, but it is important, as your poem is in public read and review.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep On Writing! Keep Writing On, More And Even More, Readable For Years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
409
409
Review of Listen  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wonderful!

This is a very interesting poem about the effect of listening and you have explored and expressed how to learn to listen and set a message to listen to your love in appreciation.

I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the word imagery, the word visuals and the read.

Title of the poem is appropriate, and significant, if not catchy; as per rule, I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough I find the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.

Edit:

LISTEN
(Listen)

Edit:

Listen to the warm wind
That whistles in the trees
Listen to the summer day
That sings with birds and bees


(Listen to the warm wind
that whistles in the trees.
Listen to the summer day
that sings with birds and bees.)


Edit:

Listen to the ocean waves
That crash upon the sand
Listen to the seagulls cry
As they fly far over land

(Listen to the ocean waves
that crash upon the sand.
Listen to the seagull’s cry
as they fly far over land.)


Edit:

Listen to a mother’s voice
That cautions her young child
Listen to the children play
As they scamper free and wild

(Listen to a mother’s voice
that cautions her young child.
Listen to the children play
as they scamper free and wild.)


Edit:

Listen to the music sounds
That play into the night
Listen to the people dance
Until the morning light

(Listen to the music sounds
that play into the night
Listen to the people dance
until the morning light.)


Edit:

Listen to the rainfall
That strikes a roof of tin
Listen to the lightening
That makes a mighty din


(Listen to the rainfall
that strikes a roof of tin.
Listen to the lightening
that makes a mighty din.)


Edit:

Listen to the dog bark
That keeps you up at night
Listen to the rooster’s crow
That wakes you at first light

(Listen to the dog bark
that keeps you up at night.
Listen to the rooster’s crow
that wakes you at first light.)


Edit:

Listen to the daily life
That happens all around
Listen to the earth move
The pulse of life in sound


(Listen to the daily life
that happens all around.
Listen to the earth move
the pulse of life in sound.)


Edit:

Listen to my heartbeat
That longs for only you
Listen to my tender words
I pledge my love to you

(Listen to my heartbeat
that longs for only you.
Listen to my tender words
I pledge my love to you.)

You may please check, I have humbly offered suggestions, you are free to accept or reject any of my suggestions, as edits in the brackets as above, for smoother and more pleasant read of your poem; you may use Author’s Notes to help the readers understand your work and your style of expression in appreciation.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep On Writing! Keep Writing On, More And Even More, Readable For Years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
410
410
Review of The Garden  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Superb, fantastic and wonderful!

I like your poem (free verse poetry), a poem about a garden, or a poem about a visual hiding place.

I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the monologue flavour of taletelling, the word imagery, the word visuals, the romantic dream of visit, the ecstatic and romantic feeling and visual portrayal of visit, and the read.

Title of the poem is appropriate, and significant, if not catchy; as per rule, I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, captivating, complete, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough I find the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem. However, the title is not complete in general.

Edit:

The garden
(The Garden)



Edit and comments:

There is a beautiful place
Where your rose of love grows
I'm the only one who goes there
To the secret garden I hide

(There is a beautiful place
where your rose of love grows.
I'm the only one who goes there
to the secret garden where I hide.)

I think the last line of the poem of this stanza is not so expressive, though it is not incorrect, as I have tried to make it more expressive.

Edit and comments:

It's filled with all the dreams
The ones I had for you and me
When I need to I can go there
To the secret garden I hide

(It's filled with all the dreams, the ones
I had for you and me.
When I need to, I can go there
to the secret garden where I hide.)

I have tried to make this stanza more expressive and easier to read, though I find in the next stanza you have used sentences more expressive.

Edit and comments:

It's where I keep all my memories
The ones God gave me of you
When I'm lonely I can go there
To the secret garden I hide

(It's where I keep all my memories.
The ones God gave me of you.
When I feel lonely, I can go there
to the secret garden where I hide.)

This is a better expressed stanza of the poem, as I have offered a minor change to make it more expressive and easier to read.

Edit and comments:

It's where I see your pretty eyes
Hear the sound of your voice
When I need you I can go there
To the secret garden I hide

(It's where I see your pretty eyes.
Hear the sound of your voice.
When I need you, I can go there
to the secret garden where I hide.)

Only a minor change, as I have suggested, may make the stanza more expressive and more pleasant to read.

Edit and comments:

No one else will ever get there
I will never let anyone else in
Your the only one with the key
To the secret garden I hide

(No one else will ever get there.
I will never let anyone else in.
You are the only one with the key
to the secret garden where I hide.)

I have changed this stanza with words to make it grammatically correct and to make it more expressive and more meaningful to read.

You may please check, I have humbly offered suggestions, and have changed words, and have grammatically corrected lines and or sentences of your poem, you are free to accept or reject any of my suggestions and or comments, as edits in the brackets as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem; you may use Author’s Notes to help the readers understand your work and your style of expression in appreciation.

I am proud to write this review of your poem which you created and posted about six years, or say, more than five years ago, though, I think, you may think there is no need of edit and comments today, but it is important, as your poem is in public read and review.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep On Writing! Keep Writing On, More And Even More, Readable For Years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
411
411
Review of Her Aura  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wonderful!

I liked this thoughtful and innovative poem, a poem of visualization, or a poem of visual thought about her aura.

I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, and the monologue flavour of taletelling, the restricted flow of thoughts, a story with diverse visual portrayal of thoughts, the word imagery, the word visuals, and the read.

Title of the poem is appropriate, correct, complete and significant, if not catchy; as per rule, I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough I find the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.

Edit:

Written for a contest using titles from EarthenAura's Port

(Written for a contest, using the titles (or, using some titles, or, using the chosen titles) from EarthenAura's Port)

Edit and comments:

In my conscience conversations
I try to clear the fog as
in transition, I, straddle the no woman's land
between romance removed
and love me now.
New love requires faith
and because of him, I stand
two feet firmly planted, and the past
tucked deep away only a reminder
to retrieve if necessary.

(In my conscience conversations
I try to clear the fog as
in transition, I, straddle at the no woman's land
between ‘romance removed’
and ‘love me now’.

New love requires faith
and because of him, I stand
two feet firmly planted, and the past
tucked deep away, only a reminder
to retrieve if (when) necessary.)

You have used the titles so nicely, but in a generalized set of thoughts; I fail to relate the second and third lines to the first line, and again, the expression of or use of the word ‘straddle’ is not expressive to the thought of ‘conscience conversation’.

Besides, the thoughts explored and expressed in the fourth and fifth line are not coherent or expressive in terms of the thoughts expressed in the first line, I think as I read.

Moreover, the concept of ‘romance removed’ is not clear to me.

In addition, I mean, the coherence of thoughts are mild or somewhat inexpressive with the following phrases – ‘romance removed’, ‘love me now’ with the phrase ‘conscience conversation’ and ‘no woman’s land’.

I do not understand what you have tried to mean by the expression in the sixth line. I mean, ‘new love requires faith’ is unclear to me, I understand, faith is the key to love, I mean love is love and there is no concept that I understand about ‘new love’, or say ‘old love’ as the state of new love may be appreciable.

Moreover, I fail to understand about the thought of ‘retrieve if necessary’ as I fail to relate the thoughts with the ‘no woman’s land’ and ‘conscience conversations’.

And, I could not relate the word ‘reminder’ to the words ‘saddle’ and the phrase ‘tucked deep away’.

You may please check, I have humbly offered suggestions, and have changed words, and have grammatically corrected lines and or sentences of your poem, you are free to accept or reject any of my suggestions, as edits in the brackets as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem; you may use Author’s Notes to help the readers understand your work and your style of expression in appreciation.

I am proud to write this review of your poem which you created and posted about ten (10) years ago, or say, a decade over, though, I think, you may think there is no need of edit and comments today, but it is important, as your poem is in public read and review.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep On Writing! Keep Writing On, More And Even More, Readable For Years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
412
412
Review of Sunlight  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Inspiring!

I like your poem (free verse poetry), a poem of inspiration.

I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the monologue flavour of taletelling, the repetitive and echoing effect of expression, simple style of expression, the word imagery, the word visuals, and the read.

Title of the poem is appropriate, and significant, if not catchy; as per rule, I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, captivating, complete, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough I find the title relates partially to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.

Edit:

How I feel everyday.

(How I feel every day.)

Edit and comments:

I feel like I’m drowning.
Everyday I can feel the water filling my lungs,
Making it harder and harder to breathe.

(I feel like I’m drowning.
Every day, I can feel the water filling my lungs
making it harder and harder to breathe.)

Though, I understand the meaning and order of expression but it is not expressive or clear to me, as the phrase ‘water filling my lungs making it’; poetically, it may be a common use, but in terms of clarity of expression, I do not think the phrase is correctly expressed.
It may be better expressed or say, correctly expressed like – water fills my lungs and make it, or you may write – water is filling my lungs and making it.

Edit and comments:

I feel like I’m drowning,
Like I’ll never make it to the surface,
Because it’s too far out of reach.

(I feel like I’m drowning
like I’ll never make it to the surface.
Because, it’s too far, out of reach.)

I think the third line above is not so expressive; I have tried to make it more expressive.

Edit:

I feel like I’m drowning,
And I’m getting so tired of fighting,
Fighting to finally see the surface,
Fighting to finally see the sun.

(I feel like I’m drowning.
And I’m getting so tired of fighting, fighting
to finally see the surface, fighting
to finally see the sun.)

The stanza is not expressive, so I have tried to make it expressive, as I have changed the lines.

Edit and comments:

I feel like I’m drowning,
But I know I have to keep fighting,
I have to keep fighting for my family,
To finally see them in the sunlight.

(I feel like I’m drowning.
But, I know I have to keep fighting
I have to keep fighting for my family
to finally see them in the sunlight.)

I have tried to make the lines more expressive.

Edit and comments:

I feel like I’m drowning,
And it’s so hard to keep swimming,
But I can see the sunlight,
Shining through the water and i know it’s close.

(I feel like I’m drowning.
And it’s so hard to keep swimming.
But, I can see the sunlight
shining through the water and I know it is close.)

You may please check, I have humbly offered suggestions, and have changed words, and have grammatically corrected lines and or sentences of your poem, you are free to accept or reject any of my suggestions, comments or edits, as edits in the brackets as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem; you may use Author’s Notes to help the readers understand your work and your style of expression in appreciation.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep On Writing! Keep Writing On, More And Even More, Readable For Years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
413
413
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this poem about innocence and wishful thoughts and visualization.

I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the monologue flavour of taletelling, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the word imagery, the word visuals, the theme, the romantic mode of expression, and the read.

Title of the poem is appropriate, if not catchy; as per rule, I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, captivating, complete, correct, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough I find the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem. However, I think the title of the poem is not clear to me.

Edit:

Snails and pails and ponytails
Holding hands upon the trails
A train chugs slowly down the rails
In thoughts of you, love never fails

(Snails and pails and ponytails
holding hands upon the trails
a train chugs slowly down the rails
in thoughts of you; love never fails.)

Edit and comments:

Beauty lies within your soul
And Heaven is to where we stole
I gazed at stars within your eyes
That shamed the gorgeous, midnight skies

(Beauty lies within your soul
and Heaven is to where we strolled
I gazed at stars within your eyes
That shamed the gorgeous midnight skies.)

In the second line of the poem the word ‘stole’ is inexpressive and the line is grammatically incorrect, so I have changed the word to ‘strolled’ to make it expressive, I understand with the change of word or replacement of the word there is loss of rhyme in the line, but I think clarity of expression is more important than inexpressive use of word or thought or word to rhyme the line, as in the fourth line of the poem there is redundant use of comma, so I have deleted comma in the line.

Edit and comments:

While all about the fuss went on
The crowds, the fight, the angry dawn
But as the world fell to the ground
Your angel voice, the only sound

(While all the fuss went on
the crowds, the fight, and the angry dawn
but, as the world fell to the ground
your angel voice the only sound.)

The first line of the poem hereinabove is not expressive, so I have deleted the redundant word ‘about’ and the second line hereinabove is now expressive, as I have added a word ‘and’ and in the last line hereinabove I have deleted the redundant use of comma.

Edit:

I wish my life upon a star
Catch lightning bugs within a jar
Tug the hair that's held with braids
And pray your virtue never fades

(I wish my life upon a star
to catch lightning bugs within a jar
to tug the hair that's held with braids
and pray your virtue never fades.)

The aforesaid lines of the poem are now expressive; I think, clarity of expression is more important than maintaining a style of inexpressive expression.

Edit:

For as I look at you today
My youthful heart will ever stay
In twinkling lights of little stars
A nursery rhyme that's only ours.

(For as I look at you today
my youthful heart will ever stay
in twinkling lights of little stars
a nursery rhyme that's only ours.)


You may please check, I have humbly offered suggestions, and have changed words, and have grammatically corrected lines and or sentences of your poem, you are free to accept or reject any of my suggestions, as edits in the brackets as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem; you may use Author’s Notes to help the readers understand your work and your style of expression in appreciation.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep On Writing! Keep Writing On, More And Even More, Readable For Years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
414
414
Review of EASTER 2018  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a nice acrostic poem about Easter, and solemn praise, I like.

I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, and the free flow of thoughts, the word imagery, word visuals, and the read.

The title is appropriate and significant, if not catchy.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep On Writing! Keep Writing On, More And Even More, Readable For Years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
415
415
Review of Archaic Smile  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this poem (free verse poetry), a poem of eternal smile.

I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the theme, the monologue flavour of addressing and taletelling about the dimensional stand and effect and thoughtful implication of archaic smile and the effect upon living in appreciation, the word imagery, the word visuals, the rhythmic flavour of appreciation of thought about carrying archaic smile and people’s attitude and appreciation of living around and the effect upon the archaic smile exposed metaphorically for appreciation of living in dimensional viewpoint in effect, and the read.

The boy does not like it and wish to get rid of but he knows it is inevitable and there is no way to go beyond the archaic smile and it is quite natural and maybe destined to him so he is conscious of its effect and like a common man he wishes to think of it and pray to God for saving from it for he prays to God of Grace, so it implicates the essence of having the archaic smile with him.

Title of the poem is appropriate, correct, and significant, if not catchy; as per rule, I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, captivating, complete, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough I find the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem. However, I read the title is subjective, and you have expressed the poem thematically sound with abstract thoughts in projection.

My favourite lines of the poem:

He is committed
Will he be redeemed
Or is such redemption
All but wild speculation
Held by him
And all else…

I liked most the lines of the poem:

He has tried
That boy
He has stood
And faced
What many
If not all else
Would flee
Screaming
Yelling
God of grace
Please save me
For I
Am powerless
With regard to
Saving myself
Archaic smile


Edit:
Archaic Smile
Posing
Postulating
I’ll advised

(Archaic smile
posing
postulating
I’ll be advised)

Edit:
And considering
Are there sins
Some
Ones
Not written
Ones
Omitted
Sins
Unknowingly
Committed
Then
Punishable
By a living hell
Just like this
Is God capable
Or is he
Just like the boy

(And considering
there are sins
some
one’s
not written
one’s
omitted
sins
unknowingly
committed
then
punishable
by a living hell.
Just like this
is God capable
or is he
just like the boy?)

Edit:

The one with
Such a smile
Incapable
Thus trapped
By decisions made

(The one with
such a smile
is incapable
thus, trapped
by decisions made.)

Edit:

Further astray
Is the lamb
Really a wolf
And if so
If is the wolf
But a pup
With regard
To the real
Creatures
Out there
In the blistering
Over abundance
Of darkness
Of nothingness
Archaic smile

(Further astray
is the lamb
really a wolf?
And if so
if it is the wolf
but, a pup
with regard to
the real
creatures
out there
in the blistering
overabundance
of darkness
of nothingness
archaic smile.)

Edit:

He has tried
That boy
He has stood
And faced
What many
If not all else
Would flee
Screaming
Yelling


(He has tried
that boy.
He has stood
and faced.
What many, if
not all else
would flee
screaming
yelling.)

Edit:

God of grace
Please save me
For I
Am powerless
With regard to
Saving myself
Archaic smile
Showing truth

(God of Grace
please save me
for I
am powerless
with regard to
saving myself
archaic smile
showing truth.)

Edit:

Wasteful
His wishes
Entrusted
To no one
And nothing

(wasteful
his wishes
are entrusted
to no one
and nothing.)

Edit:

He is committed
Will he be redeemed
Or is such redemption
All but wild speculation
Held by him
And all else…

(He is committed.
Will he be redeemed
or is such redemption
all but wild speculation
held by him
and all else?)


You may please check, I have humbly offered suggestions, and have changed words, and have grammatically corrected lines and or sentences of your poem, you are free to accept or reject any of my suggestions, as edits in the brackets as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem; you may use Author’s Notes to help the readers understand your work and your style of expression in appreciation.

I am proud to write this review of your poem which you created and posted about four years ago, though, I think, you may think there is no need of edit and comments today, but it is important, as your poem is in public read and review.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep On Writing! Keep Writing On, More And Even More, Readable For Years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
416
416
Review of tables and chairs  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, this is a good poem (free verse poetry) you have composed, I like.

I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the free flow of thoughts, the concept, the theme, the word imagery, the word visuals, and the read.

Title of the poem is good enough, and significant, if not catchy; as per rule, I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, captivating, complete, comprehensive, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough I find the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem. However, the title is neither appropriate nor complete.

Edit:

tables and chairs
(Tables and Chairs)

Edit:

tables and chairs don't make a home
(Tables and chairs don't make a home.)

Or,

(Tables and chairs do not make a home.)

Edit:
we're just stupid teenagers

sofa surfing on hormones and delusions

that fog the lines between periods of infatuation

and fleeting moments of mutual satisfaction

that we relish as real

but what's real in an existence flooded with dopamine?

where the clouds are made of nicotine,

the water tastes like caffeine,

plants grow on lorazepam

and there's meth

in every breath

i don't know who you are;

i don't know who i am

we're not 'meant to be',

our love is a sham

Edit and comments:

(We're just stupid teenagers
sofa surfing on hormones and delusions
that fog the lines between periods of infatuation
and fleeting moments of our mutual satisfaction
and that we relish as real
but, what's real in an existence flooded with dopamine
where the clouds are made of nicotine, the
water tastes like caffeine, plants
grow on lorazepam
and there's meth
in every breath; I don’t know
who you are; I don't know
who I am
we're not 'meant to be', our love
is a sham.)

I do not like the first line of the poem and the relation of it with the last line of the poem:
we're just stupid teenagers

I think this is not expressive to me, why you express yourselves as ‘just stupid teenagers’ and how you have tried to relate the first line to the last line ‘our love is a sham’.

I think the following three lines of the poem are not expressive to me, the thoughts in these three lines are not clear and do not maintain the rhythms of thoughts to express the clarity of thoughts (theme) of the poem:

i don't know who you are;

i don't know who i am

we're not 'meant to be',

Particularly, I do not understand what is the purpose of the line ‘we’re not ‘meant to be’, this is not clear to me, for it is not expressive.

You may please check, I have humbly offered suggestions, and have changed and added words, and have grammatically corrected lines and or sentences of your poem, you are free to accept or reject any of my suggestions, as edits in the brackets as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem; you may use Author’s Notes to help the readers understand your work and your style of expression in appreciation.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep On Writing! Keep Writing On, More And Even More, Readable For Years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
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#1300305 by Maryann




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417
417
Review of Poisonous  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Fantastic!

I like your poem (free verse poetry), a poem of personality, a poem of personality appreciation, a poem of personality evaluation, a poem of personal analysis, a poem of identity appreciation.

I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the monologue flavour of taletelling in appreciation, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the rhythms of thought projection, the art and style of expression, the diction, the word imagery, the word visuals, the literal exposition about darling, the dramatic appeal of presentation, the romantic appreciation of life, the romantic spirit of appreciation of living, the fun and excitement in appreciation of living on a romantic scale, the sharing of appreciation of romantic sense of living in a modest order of words, and the read.

Title of the poem is appropriate, and significant, if not catchy; as per rule, I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, complete, comprehensive, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough I find the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem. However, the title is subjective

Edit:

Yeah, lovely that taste,
sweet as a morning of June.
Willing to end it all,
Just for a night in a blue moon.
Back behind me now,
was a time ended short and soon.
and this hear darling,
a rover not to rest after all.

(Yeah, lovely that taste is
as sweet as a morning of June.
Willing to end it all
just for a night in a blue moon, back
behind me now was a time
ended short and soon.
And this hear darling
a rover not to rest after all.)

Edit:

Virtue can it be or so,
maybe a sin whoever can preach.
Just grab me a little of sum,
at the end of my speech.
The sun looks so holy now,
on the face I try to reach.
and each with comfort,
would set a soul on its fall.


(Virtue can it be or so
maybe a sin, whoever can preach.
Just grab me a little of sum
at the end of my speech.
The sun looks so holy now
on the face, I try to reach
and each with comfort
would set a soul on its fall.)

Edit:

Get me some of it baby,
Let me feel it baby,
Going through my veins.

(Get me some of it baby.
Let me feel it baby
going through my veins.)

Edit:

Close my eyes, oh baby,
A sweet touch, oh yeah baby,
Heal the eternal pains.

(Close my eyes, oh baby.
A sweet touch, oh yeah baby!
Heal my eternal pains.)

Edit:

wake me not,
wake me not,
no my darling.

(Wake me not.
Wake me not, no
my darling.)

You may please check, I have humbly offered suggestions, and have changed and added words, and have grammatically corrected lines and or sentences of your poem, you are free to accept or reject any of my suggestions, as edits in the brackets as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem; you may use Author’s Notes to help the readers understand your work and your style of expression in appreciation.

I am proud to write this review of your poem which you created and posted about nine (9) years ago or say about a decade before today, though, I think, you may think there is no need of edit and comments today, but it is important, I do think as a reviewer, as your poem is in public read and review.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep On Writing! Keep Writing On, More And Even More, Readable For Years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
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#1300305 by Maryann




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
418
418
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have tried to express a great thought in this poem (free verse poetry); I like the idea how to find or experience a Christmas Miracle in short cold days in December when the hope’s is burning low or when your arthritis is suffering your soul’s joints and the process is easy enough as in this state of living in December, if we look for a hot ember we can experience of having or seeing the Christmas Miracle.

I have enjoyed the story, and the read.

But, I do not appreciate the thoughts explored and expressed in the style, I think, it is not expressive, for I do not understand what you actually try to mean by the phrase ‘soul’s joints’ for I know soul is invisible, untouchable and indestructible as soul is not the body, a body may have a soul, so I do not understand by this expression --arthritis is stiffening soul’s joints.

Again, I do not think the following lines of the poem expresses thoughts clearly, for I do not understand what actually you wish to express through these lines as it has been prescribed as a process of taking some action for getting or experiencing something, as I think, the thought is unclear and appears fantastic, but you have not mentioned a word about which in your Author’s Notes.

We look for a hot ember
To rekindle dying flames
And find A Christmas Miracle.

Moreover, I do not find the following lines are coherent to the earlier lines, as the following lines of the poem are expressed in generalization and you have not correlate the previous lines with the following lines:
There is no need to despair
God’s love is everywhere
If we just open our eyes
And look around.


Title of the poem is appropriate, and significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, captivating, complete, comprehensive, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough, the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.

Edit:

In the short cold days of December,
When hopes fire is burning low
When arthritis is stiffening soul’s joints
We look for a hot ember
To rekindle dying flames
And find A Christmas Miracle.

There is no need to despair
God’s love is everywhere
If we just open our eyes
And look around.

(In the short cold days of December
when hopes’ fire is burning low and
when arthritis is stiffening soul’s joints
we look for a hot ember
to rekindle dying flames
and find A Christmas Miracle.

There is no need to despair
God’s love is everywhere
if we just open our eyes
and look around.)


You may check, I have humbly offered suggestions, and have changed words, and have grammatically corrected lines and or sentences, you are free to accept or reject any of my suggestions, as edits, in the brackets as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem; you may use Author’s Notes to help the readers understand your work and your style of expression in appreciation.

I am proud to write this review of your poem which you created and posted about 9 years ago, though, I think, you may think there is no need of edit and comments today, but I think, it is important, so I mention, as it is in public read and review.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep writing more and more and even more for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
419
419
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Interesting, fine, fantastic but righteous, you have composed the poem so, I like. Message is clear as you have shared and the lesson is appreciable.

I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the tone and tune of addressing a lesson for living, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the word imagery, the word visuals, and the read.

I congratulate you for winning the contest.

Title of the poem is appropriate, complete and significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough, the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.

Edit:

Knowing When To Forgive
(Knowing When to Forgive)

Edit:

Remember the harsh words I spoke
when I didn't agree with you?
Many times I refused to talk,
I wouldn't hear your point of view.

(Remember the harsh words I spoke
when I didn't agree with you.
Many times I refused to talk.
I wouldn't hear your point of view.)

Edit:

Remember the hot tears I cried
when I thought you'd found someone new?
I really believed that you lied,
my doubts were so many- it's true.

(Remember the hot tears I cried
when I thought you'd found someone new!
I really believed that you lied
my doubts were so many; it's true.)

Edit and comments:

Remember the times we had then-
in those early years, as our love grew?
The days of how, what, where and when-
so many things we never knew.

(Remember the times we had then
in those early years, as our love grew.
The days of how, what, where, and when
so many things we never knew.)

I have checked the space between the words ‘ never and knew’ in the last line as above.
Edit:

Edit:

So many the things we did wrong.
No matter the time we may live,
the secret to loving so long-
is just knowing when to forgive.

(So many the things we did wrong.
No matter the time we may live
the secret to loving, so long
just you know when to forgive.)

You may check, I have humbly offered suggestions, and have changed words, and have grammatically corrected lines and or sentences, you are free to accept or reject any of my suggestions, as edits, in the brackets as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem; you may use Author’s Notes to help the readers understand your work and your style of expression in appreciation. You have mentioned about rhyme under the poem, though.

I am proud to write this review of your poem which you created and posted about 11 years ago, though, I think, you may think there is no need of edit and comments today, but I think, it is important, so I mention, as it is in public read and review.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep writing more and more and even more for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
420
420
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You have expressed the state of affairs well, as per the state of the facts, it may be assumed, you have consumed liquor and she does not like it, and after hot argumentations, she has left, maybe she has challenged your honesty and dignity, maybe she has spoken some harsh words at your hot words; all I could guess, you better know the exact reason, but you have not mentioned everything in this poem, whatever expressed I like. I know I cannot answer to your question correctly based on half or incomplete facts.

I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the word imagery, the word visuals, the mode of expression and raising a doubtful question, and the read.

Edit:
Where did it go wrong?
(Where Did It Go Wrong?)

Or,
(Where It Went Wrong)

Edit:
Bottles and glasses
Shattered pictures
Screaming
Lifeless arguements
A love is lost
A soul is fought
A wish to die


My mama cries
My daddy lies

The pictures gone
My dignity shattered
My tears still flow
Her face still battered

He left


She's gone


Where did it go wrong?.

(Bottles and glasses
shattered pictures
screaming
lifeless arguments
a love is lost
a soul is fought
a wish to die.


My mama cries
my daddy lies.

The pictures gone
my dignity shattered
my tears still flow
her face still battered
he left.


She's gone.
Where did it go wrong?)

Title of the poem is appropriate and significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, complete, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough, the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.

You may check, I have humbly offered suggestions, and have changed words, and have grammatically corrected lines and or sentences, you are free to accept or reject any of my suggestions, as edits, in the brackets as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem; you may use Author’s Notes to help the readers understand your work and your style of expression in appreciation.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep writing more and more and even more for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
421
421
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Fine!

I like this acrostic poem, praising Lornda’s personality as an efficient, beautiful and wise leader of our Power Reviewers Group.

I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the word imagery, the word visuals, the free and flair flow of thoughts, art and style of expression, the rhymes, the words of appreciation working with her, and the memories, and the read.

Title of the poem is appropriate and significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, appealing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough, the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.

Edit:

‘Specially since, today she turned FIVE!
(Specially, since today she turned five!)

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep writing more and more and even more for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
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#1300305 by Maryann



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
422
422
Review of WhoDunIT  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a nice story, I like.

But, some parts of the story are not clearly described; I do not understand the link and relevance of the following parts of the story:

“What exactly are you accusing me of?” She asked, cheeks flaming red.

“You were here at the Mayor’s Mansion last night…” A bullet smashed through the window and went into The Supervisor’s skull. Her eyes rolled upward before her body crashed to the ground.

“Well looks like we have two victims now. Damn shame that I don’t get paid per dead body.” The Chief of Police muttered.

Who is she? The character is not clearly expressed and it has not clearly described.

The skull is not linked to the plot clearly.
‘Her eyes’ the words here are not properly linked to the theme.
Again, I find there is no clear expression about the following paragraph or part of the story:
The rookie realized that The Mayor and The Chief were behind the conspiracy when he found a bullet from a police gun next to the first victim. This case was his ticket to the FBI.

The Chief is not clearly expressed and related to the plot of the story.
I do not like to assume and presume in my read. I think it is the author who is to describe or explain the story clearly.

Still, I think I have understood the story but only after assumption of some facts that you have failed to express in making the story comprehensible in full.
I think you have tried to get self-pleasure and enjoyment by keeping some facts mystic and you think a reader should use his or her own intelligence and time for the read.
But, I think, art of storytelling includes clarity of expression, clarity of theme and plot expression not allowing readers to guess much.

Edit:

WhoDunIT
(Who Dun It)

Edit and comments:

A mystery in 16 sentences. Happy 16th Birthday, Writer's Cramp!

(This is about a mystery in 16 sentences. Happy 16th Birthday, Writer's Cramp!)
This is inexpressive and incomplete; I do not understand what you exactly mean; besides, I do not know whose birthday it is about and what is all about Writer’s Cramp, and why it is a part of the sentence you have mentioned in description of the story.

Title of the story is good, if not catchy or complete; I expect a title of a story maybe in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough, the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the story.

You may check, I have humbly offered suggestions, and have changed words, and have grammatically corrected lines and or sentences, you are free to accept or reject any of my suggestions, as edits, in the brackets as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your story; you may use Author’s Notes to help the readers understand your work and your style of expression in appreciation.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this story with us.

Keep writing more and more and even more for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
423
423
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a good limerick about Sylvia’s thirteenth birthday present, I like.

I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the rhymes, and the comedy, the flow of thoughts, the word visuals, and the read.

Title of the poem is appropriate and significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, appealing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough, the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the limerick.

Edit:

On the day that she turned thirteen,
Sylvia received a flying machine.
With a note that said write,
While you are in flight,
And you will find your verses serene.

(On the day Sylvia turned thirteen
she received a flying machine
with a note that said write
while you are in flight
and you will find your verses serene.)

You may check, I have humbly offered suggestions, and have changed words, and have grammatically corrected lines and or sentences, you are free to accept or reject any of my suggestions, as edits, in the brackets as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your limerick; you may use Author’s Notes to help the readers understand your work and your style of expression in appreciation.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this limerick with us.

Keep writing more and more and even more for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
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Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
424
424
Review of Sore and Sick  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like your poem; you have stated some visually captured and thoughtfully thoughts of events you think you have heard in the womb and you find the events appear somewhat true happening in your course of living, though you could not explain it clearly or rightly in true term of reference, as it is true, realization or feeling is not easy to be translated or expressed in words, but I find, as you have endeavoured, you have expressed your sense and sensibility in a story form for appreciation; and you have rightly stated your experience of living, in life, nothing happens as per forecast or one’s plan or as one thinks or expects of happening, one cannot control over circumstances, and one have to live on.

I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the monologue flavour of opening the taletelling, the theme, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the word visuals, the word imagery, the imposed concept of own philosophy about life and living, the expressive stand of expression of facts from biographical factual appreciation, and the read.

Title of the poem is appropriate and significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, complete, comprehensible, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough, the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem. The title is subjective if not comprehensive.

Edit:

Can we hear things in the womb? Do we dreams words, what is being said? I am sure we do.
(Can we hear in the womb? Do we dream words, or what is said? I am sure we do.)

Edit:

Because for me
There never was meant to be

(Because, for me
there was nothing meant to be)

Edit:

Of our gods good graces
Terminate his existence

(Of our God’s good graces
terminate His existence)

Edit:

Near my certain death
I still have not been able to forget
What was said
What was expressed

(near my certain death
I still have not been able to forget
what was said
what was expressed)

My favourite lines of the poem:

Indeed I still remember when
In my mother’s womb
Those words rang out
Coming to me as a dream
Coming to me as a scream
In my head it has since been
Kicking around
Breaking all rationale down
Tearing apart my sanity
Causing me to flee humanity

I liked most the lines of the poem:

Near my certain death
I still have not been able to forget
What was said
What was expressed

You may check, I have humbly offered suggestions, and have changed words, and have grammatically corrected lines and or sentences, you are free to accept or reject any of my suggestions, as edits, in the brackets as above, for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem; you may use Author’s Notes to help the readers understand your work and your style of expression in appreciation.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep writing more and more and even more for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
425
425
Review of The Perfect Love  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like how simply and expressively you have explained and exemplified to mean and tell us what perfect love is; and your generalization about the theme is simplified, as I think, as I find, you have told what makes a perfect love for appreciation.

I have enjoyed the story, the theme, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the taletelling, the exemplifications of activities for keeping a good relation of love affairs in day to day living, the attitude and appreciation of relation in manifestation to make it a stand of perfect love, the description of goodness and appreciation of affairs in course of love as a relationship, the stand of analytical appreciation of what may be appreciated a perfect love, the quest for appreciation of what makes a perfect love, the word imagery, the word visuals, the rhymes, the diction, the art of expression, and the read.

Title of the poem is appropriate and significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, interestingly enough, the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem. The title is thematic or subjectively general.

Though, I think, there is nothing like ‘pure love’ or ‘real love’ or ‘perfect love’ as we often say to distinguish the stand or state of love in essence, but truly speaking, love is love and it cannot be defined or explained as pure love or real love or perfect love, it is rather, all the way for appreciation, controversial and whatever we say would be unsatisfactory in true order of definition, since love is love and is action and an individual feeling as it is not easy to be defined in terms of words or it is rather not easy to say in a word.

Anyway, you have explained what is real love or perfect love and left questions behind; I appreciate your approach of taking up the matter for expression.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Keep writing more and more and even more for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann




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