Modesty and decorum don't seem to be welcome in a hospital. I consider myself lucky if I'm given a gown still in one piece to wear. Often the ties are missing or the snaps no longer snap. They also seem to be available in one-size-fits-all only. Too often we're in pain and just miserable enough not to care what we're forced to wear. Your poem is funny and you seem to indulge in the one hospital sport that makes a visit worthwhile; people-watching. The rhyming is solid, but the rhythm is not. This is okay because the subject matter isn't perfect either. Fate placed you outside an x-ray department and fate teased you as well with your near-sighting.
I love your writing, it is so natural and effortless. I imagine you sharing this as an oral story. This was obviously a very personal self-history. Sadly, not everyone will admit to their pasts and their life-lessons learned. You were an irrepressible young man; you spun gold from straw. If only more people retained their innate ingenuity and imagination. I noticed in one line when you're mentioning about how poor you were you write " truth be know". I think you meant to type "known". Typing is far different and more finicky than handwriting isn't it? Can you imagine an eight-year old in this time and space having the wherewithal to not only cut down a tree, but dig a hole for it too?
Oh how true! Every politician can and does make promises. Too many just employ smear tactics now; forget a platform. It really is mind-boggling! Voting is necessary, but it's never easy. The rhythm in your poem is uneven, but that doesn't matter. It still flows well and the rhyming is good. I like the wording and placement of the line, "evading most the facts".
You describe the frustrations and irritations of commuting very well. A working mother is never off duty, is she? There will always be the unforeseen, the unplanned. I like your sense of humour. Only a mother would still try to salvage something that has been smashed in her pocket. At least the egg was not all over your face!
Ah, yes, the bane of a writer; too many characters and ideas! New clashes with the old. How does anything fit if at all? Rewrite and rewrite; when is enough enough? I like your concept. Your imagination is your muse; a person, a fallible person. Your rhyming is good. I only notice that in the line " But why does that character still looks like zero?", that the word "look" doesn't need an "s".
This is a short and sweet bit of poetry. Your words are stretched in the air of a storm. You describe the intensity of an electrical or thunder storm. It is an awesome display of nature's power. By the way, I like your nom de plume; creative. Continue to write!
Okay,, without spacing and punctuation this was a little difficult to read, but just a little. I found the rhythm and the rhyme. This is like a rap; it flows. Your mother is blessed and she sure should be proud of you! It seems as if you appreciate your mother and view her as your ally. Your sentiments resonate with me. Continue to write!
WHEW! You have indeed ranted here, but what you've written is your strong opinion. Yes, you needed to share this and by doing so you've demonstrated that you know sentence structure, grammar, and usually spelling. Near the end of this bit you misspelled "know" as "no". Sometimes, this is simply a typo. because the fingers don't actually do the spelling. I find typing is more of a bugaboo with me and this is my main reason for editing. My handwriting, however, is atrocious with perfect spelling. I agree with many of your points. Schools really need to update their required reading lists and why is Shakespeare stressed? ( I realize you are stressed, but in a different way!) High school is blessedly but a brief blip in your life. You obviously are still creative; hang on to it! Unfortunately, too many people have never grasped the real foundation of writing like spelling and grammar; it's important. Essays alone are not an effective learning tool. Reading and writing should be pleasurable.
What is "CID"? I realize you are writing about the mysteries of life. It is wonderful and perplexing. You've used the word "a" incorrectly in a few spots. "A mystery" or "a question mark" is correct because the "a" is before a noun. The other use of "a" is before descriptors or adjectives such as "miserable" and "gorgeous". A miserable what? Life is miserable. "Prision" is a misspelling. Is it meant to be prison? The sentiments you've expressed reflect how complex life can become.
There are some beautiful and profound sentiments here. Unfortunately, you've chosen to present this as if it were a quick Facebook or Twitter post. There's no organized punctuation. The spelling is sometimes sloppy with slang and short forms. Why not write in complete sentences with full actual words? Communication, effective communication, takes effort.
How sweet and wonderful of you to honour your wife in this fashion! I had many incredible teachers and to this day, I remember their names and some specific lessons. Good teachers are worth their weight in gold. The imagery in your poem is fantastic. I like the idea of your wife pollinating young minds. Comparing knowledge and lessons learned with launched rockets is wonderful imagery. I like this poem.
BRAVO!! You have made a bold and brave step here. This is very well-written; concise and easy to understand. Your writing certainly isn't manic. It is logical and well-planned. Perhaps this will be a saving grace for you. Communication is vital and you have no problem doing so via writing! Mental illness or not, asking for support isn't always easy. Please continue to share.
Congratulations for not only battling Cancer, but writing about it too. You have proven yourself to be strong and resilient. You described your treatment as both frightening and necessary. You have waged war and survived. The Big C is so prevalent. My mother is a breast cancer survivor, my mother-in-law was not. Continue to fight and create.
HAHA! This is indeed very funny. I've never considered Barry Manilow as a weapon. Several lines caused me to laugh. I liked the Colonel's comeback to the wounded foot soldier; British decorum is so important even on the battlefield. "Good God, man, pull yourself together!" Your rhyming is effortless. Some might say it's sacrilege to refer to Monsieur Manilow's singing as eerie, horrid, tuneless, screeching, awful, and piercing.
Yes, communication has evolved and is forever re-inventing itself. Texting has led to a "different" language based on short forms and letters. Unfortunately, people have become very lazy with this newest craze. Mis-communication is perhaps more accurate! Auto-correct provides fodder for laughs. Imagine a machine trying to anticipate your message and people in too much of a hurry to compose their own letters or proofread what they send. Interpretation is flexible. Your writing is humorous.
This was very well written. It has a logical flow and the action follows the dialogue. Unfortunately, accidents can and do happen anywhere at any time. Some landscapes are more remote and harsher. Imagine knowing you are beyond saving and about to die. This reads as scenes from a movie.
This is indeed a memory worthy of a Lucy moment. You've described your family's efforts vividly. It's amusing that as they plotted to capture someone/anyone you enjoyed your seaside respite. Your family obviously liked to take care of their own and solve their problems creatively.
Is this bit of writing to be included with more? This is not really a story. It's a very good description like a prelude to a bigger tale. Nothing seems to signify loneliness more than a solitary wolf. I like the line, "the sun had given up the day and left room for the night". Night creeps and expands, so it does need room.
HAHA!! This is hilarious. I especially like the lines about the rumpled and stained sheets. Haven't we all been there and experienced that? The innuendo is wonderful. I just read an on-line blurb that reports mosquitoes with genetically altered DNA have been created in Brazil. Apparently, their offspring die before reaching maturity. Hmmm.... is this true? The motivator? It wasn't the human need or suffering of the Brazilian populace. The Fifa World Cup trumps everything. Soccer/football players and their rabid fans are considered valuable.
If only our pets could really talk. They seem non-judgmental, but are they? I liked what Lily had to say; she is wise beyond her years. I agree that the idea of clothing for dogs is ridiculous. This is a great piece of writing. Your rhyming is great and not forced. My only suggestion? Perhaps consider placing the second-last stanza as the final stanza.
Okay.... Overall, you have the premise for a good story. Your main character, Jake, is suffering and you attempt to describe it. His life is in turmoil and he questions everything. In trying to do all of this, you seem to become excited and you get carried away. Many of your sentences are run-on style; too long and wordy. Shortening the sentences would make this tale easier to read and understand. Jake's emotional state would show better if his thoughts were written in shorter bits. "Stopped by a piercing pain they came" should be "that came". The first example of far too long sentences occurs when you write "It wasn't a dream". That whole section needs to be shortened into separate sentences. ( Many other places need to be shortened too.) The bit where you write "Tears flowing, the nurses simply stood there in surprise" needs to be clarified. Who was really crying? Try combining the latter part into a sentence: "The nurses simply stood there in surprise until a male nurse walked up to me." Talking about the voice in Jake's head try using the word "saying". "Locking my down on to the bed" should use the word "me" and onto is one word. "Bounded to the bed" should be "bound". "I sunk into depression" should be "sank". "Not breathing a single word": do you mean "believing"? With "near verge", I think just using "verge" is enough. It does mean near. "You're kidney" should be "your kidney". Did you intend to write "but" instead of "by every time I lift my shirt"? When writing about grandma in the car it should be "her backwards to me". After the whipping, Jake passed out NOT "past out". Introducing the new man at the end, I think you should write "stood in front of me" not "lay in front of me". They are in a bedroom and "lay" means something entirely different there. You describe the shaking of hands, but you write "shaking the man before me". This sounds weird and is unintentionally funny because you mean shaking the hand. You have a good story here.
You've created some wonderful imagery here! Reading this poem, I'm transported to a teeming city street where I feel the squeeze of strangers. The idea of a bruised shadow is intriguing. I really like the description of the storefronts as being seductresses. How true that a window display is not as it would seem. Everyday little things can spur a memory even in the most unlikely of places.
This is a cute and somewhat funny story, but there are grammatical issues that make it a little difficult to read. "House steps" seems an awkward wording when writing steps or stairs would do. There's a typo with couch being "crouch". I don't think you need to specify "lay down " on the couch. "Lay" is enough and you've already used the word "down" in that sentence. To keep the verb tenses matched in that passage, I think It should be "until her mother provided breakfast". The sentence first describing the cat could use commas. The use of commas is also needed elsewhere. I find the sentence describing halo snuggling to be awkward. "For the two years they've had the cat" doesn't read well. Perhaps it could be re-worded. "Sophie, come see. Laugh-Attack is trapped." A period and separation. You've lost your train of thought by writing both Sophia and my in the ponytail whipping. It's also a long sentence.
I really like the different and random memories you've managed to weave into your poem. These golden memories have shaped you and served you well. This is a clever poem and well-written.
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