I grew up with country music and this certainly fits the bill. I'd really like to hear this set to music. It's a hurtin' song for sure. Your rhyme flows. It's not forced. The final verse is my favourite. You should definitely write some more songs. You have a gift.
All of the accented "A"s make this difficult to read. I understand that you enjoyed a play and are describing it. There are run-on sentences. There are missing verbs and connective words. It seems rambling. Perhaps with some editing this piece would portray your enthusiasm better.
I like this, very creative. Who knows what our accumulated stuff is really thinking about us, especially when we seem to have forgotten it. Why can't witches worry about reunions? I like the expletive, "witches' wrinkles". Well done! Is there more to this story?
Oops, I think "planed" was meant to be planned. Darn sneaky typos! You describe the uncertainty of grief very well. I really like the lines " But the days right now are mine alone And they seem to weigh a ton", and "My days and feelings confuse themselves As I trudge through thoughts and fears".
I really like how several of the lines are interchangeable and if they were presented in order they do not change the essence of the scene. For example, the first and third lines could become first and second, while the second and fourth lines could become the third and fourth lines. This also makes sense with " I'm well aware'. It could be followed by " The dead's family looks at me with a weird sense of familiarity".
Such torment! You certainly are describing pain. "Ach" should be "ache". "The fade" must be " the face". Typos......they happen. "Ensnared by within my unrelenting bite". Huh?
You've got a good story going here. It reads like an adventure tale with action. There are a few issues with the word "the" missing and a "too" that should be a ""to". I think something is missing at the line, "and soon my legs cracking and stretching fully". Perhaps in spots your sentences could be shortened, thus doing away with punctuation choices.
Much of what you wrote is difficult to follow. Perhaps it would make better sense to someone with your gaming interests. It's a jumble that needs sentence structure, punctuation, and spelling corrections.
I've never read this rhyming scheme before and I must say that it is very effective and distinctive. I like it. It's a clever way to repeat a message or imagery. I really like your final stanza. It's thought-provoking. I shall remember " to know myself is all I dare".
I am a SpongeBob fan, so I was curious. I first noticed that "homey" and "chummy" do not rhyme. There are a few spelling issues such as "devine" and "pinapple". I agree, SpongeBob is always ready to " give life a tweak". ( Correct spelling.) I know that you are writing about Mr. Krabs when you mention greed and the "register bell', but you only write "his". For those unfamiliar with the characters, you need to spell out their names.
Reading this, I get the impression that English is not your first language. The tangle of verb tenses, unfortunately, makes this writing difficult to follow and understand. I'm certain you do not intend to be funny with the passage " some bears' footprints that were probably very hungry". Footprints are never hungry. Sections like "pass their appetite" reflect wrong verbs.
What a great story! You tell your adventure well. My only suggestion is to look at the second line. "Our hearts" is plural and the end of that sentence should reflect this. Perhaps it should read, " as they ever were"?
WHEW! What a great way for you to vent. You are brave to bear your soul. Self-discovery is a lifetime commitment. Your story is rambling and contradictory , but that makes it real. We don't always think logically, especially when it includes emotions. There are some issues with awkward sentences. I like the imagery of brushing things under a carpet to hide them and then never vacuuming.
Almost everything people "do" can be described as a mania, no? Writing is a particular mania. The first two lines of your poem remind me of Dr. Seuss who was a very upbeat writer. They convey optimism. Perhaps you could rework that first stanza so you don't have to repeat the word "rest"? It sounds great when read out loud. There's nothing worse than a sleepless night with nothing to do. I really like your final two lines.
Ghastly Appearance.... In the first line, should it be "ghosts" as in plural or " a ghost" ? The attempts to match words by rhyme doesn't work. There isn't any rhythm or punctuation. To read this out loud, I have to make a guess where to stop and breathe.
I find the imagery to be heavy-handed. The idea of "faint darkness" is an oxymoron. Are you suggesting lightning flashing? "Supplicating" entails entreaty, pleading, earnest prayer, and imploring. It implies kneeling and submission too. You've repeated the imploring in this sentence. I like the idea of the "satiated air". During a thunderstorm, the atmosphere seems super-charged and it can be dramatic. The air is gluttonous: fat and full.
Okay, the idea is here. It needs more to clarify it. I suggest you don't need to repeat the word "divorce" when describing that it is tearing Daniel apart. Did he fall to "the floor" or do you mean "the ground"? There are many run-on sentences that need to be shortened. Doing this could add to the feeling of Daniel's stress. Verb tenses are all over the place. "Apply's" should be "applies", but in it's sentence it should be "applied". Punctuation is important. It allows your descriptions to stand alone and be understood. "Start to convulse" should be "started". An ambulance cannot or does not ask questions.
I like the flow of this story. The main character's thinking is logical and expressive. She has discovered coping mechanisms and sanctuaries. There are a few issues with punctuation such as commas. They are placed in awkward spots sometimes and missing elsewhere. Some sentences aren't connected or are written without a supporting verb. "What is left" could be "what are left" because the ornaments are plural. "Moms hugged their kids and daddies sing" should be "moms hug", so that both verbs are in the present tense. I like the imagery of the precious afghan taking time to create. It does take special effort to nurture a child.
I've been mulling over the phrase "approached closer" and it doesn't seem or sound right. It seems repetitive because to approach something already implies that you are closer. The police detective noticing Sara and then it was as if she was "unplanned". Are you trying to convey that he was attracted to her? This choice of word seems awkward. Is she a breath of fresh air or a novelty? Is she a surprise or a mystery? "I've gotten a call before the police arrived." Maybe "I'd gotten a call"? "I'd got a call"? I like the dialogue: it flows. You are obviously introducing your characters and establishing their dynamics.
There's an old expression " still waters run deep " and it means we never know what quiet people are thinking. They seem to watch and listen only. Could they be dangerous? Certainly, too many scenarios like the one you wrote about are possible. People can and do act unpredictably. It's scary, isn't it? Your bit of writing could use some editing, but your expression is clear. There are punctuation issues and perhaps verb tense issues as well, but they are minor.
Cancer is no stranger. Everyone knows someone who is fighting it. The essence of your writing is strong. It is confusing because the tense of the story changes and jumps around. There are spelling and punctuation issues. It is so easy to get caught up in expressing ideas and as a result write long run-on sentences.
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