WHEW! What a great way for you to vent. You are brave to bear your soul. Self-discovery is a lifetime commitment. Your story is rambling and contradictory , but that makes it real. We don't always think logically, especially when it includes emotions. There are some issues with awkward sentences. I like the imagery of brushing things under a carpet to hide them and then never vacuuming.
Almost everything people "do" can be described as a mania, no? Writing is a particular mania. The first two lines of your poem remind me of Dr. Seuss who was a very upbeat writer. They convey optimism. Perhaps you could rework that first stanza so you don't have to repeat the word "rest"? It sounds great when read out loud. There's nothing worse than a sleepless night with nothing to do. I really like your final two lines.
Ghastly Appearance.... In the first line, should it be "ghosts" as in plural or " a ghost" ? The attempts to match words by rhyme doesn't work. There isn't any rhythm or punctuation. To read this out loud, I have to make a guess where to stop and breathe.
I find the imagery to be heavy-handed. The idea of "faint darkness" is an oxymoron. Are you suggesting lightning flashing? "Supplicating" entails entreaty, pleading, earnest prayer, and imploring. It implies kneeling and submission too. You've repeated the imploring in this sentence. I like the idea of the "satiated air". During a thunderstorm, the atmosphere seems super-charged and it can be dramatic. The air is gluttonous: fat and full.
Okay, the idea is here. It needs more to clarify it. I suggest you don't need to repeat the word "divorce" when describing that it is tearing Daniel apart. Did he fall to "the floor" or do you mean "the ground"? There are many run-on sentences that need to be shortened. Doing this could add to the feeling of Daniel's stress. Verb tenses are all over the place. "Apply's" should be "applies", but in it's sentence it should be "applied". Punctuation is important. It allows your descriptions to stand alone and be understood. "Start to convulse" should be "started". An ambulance cannot or does not ask questions.
I like the flow of this story. The main character's thinking is logical and expressive. She has discovered coping mechanisms and sanctuaries. There are a few issues with punctuation such as commas. They are placed in awkward spots sometimes and missing elsewhere. Some sentences aren't connected or are written without a supporting verb. "What is left" could be "what are left" because the ornaments are plural. "Moms hugged their kids and daddies sing" should be "moms hug", so that both verbs are in the present tense. I like the imagery of the precious afghan taking time to create. It does take special effort to nurture a child.
I've been mulling over the phrase "approached closer" and it doesn't seem or sound right. It seems repetitive because to approach something already implies that you are closer. The police detective noticing Sara and then it was as if she was "unplanned". Are you trying to convey that he was attracted to her? This choice of word seems awkward. Is she a breath of fresh air or a novelty? Is she a surprise or a mystery? "I've gotten a call before the police arrived." Maybe "I'd gotten a call"? "I'd got a call"? I like the dialogue: it flows. You are obviously introducing your characters and establishing their dynamics.
There's an old expression " still waters run deep " and it means we never know what quiet people are thinking. They seem to watch and listen only. Could they be dangerous? Certainly, too many scenarios like the one you wrote about are possible. People can and do act unpredictably. It's scary, isn't it? Your bit of writing could use some editing, but your expression is clear. There are punctuation issues and perhaps verb tense issues as well, but they are minor.
Cancer is no stranger. Everyone knows someone who is fighting it. The essence of your writing is strong. It is confusing because the tense of the story changes and jumps around. There are spelling and punctuation issues. It is so easy to get caught up in expressing ideas and as a result write long run-on sentences.
I agree with you whole-heartedly! One particular person of my acquaintance is very irksome and actually earned a living as a teacher. Time seems to be a very fluid concept to some. Showing up on the correct day is close enough. We all struggle with traffic and weather issues in our pursuits of appointments. Sometimes, it seems as if too many people are hurrying to be perpetually late. Perhaps the wanting to have and do it all philosophy is too much. Not everyone can multitask. Your "argument" is easy to follow.
I really liked this! This story has a twist, but one perfectly acceptable to children. I can relate. My nephew once spent more time with his imaginary friend than with actual pals. There are a few issues with missing words here and there. The punctuation isn't perfect either, but I had no trouble following the story. ( I believe this is a British "thing" because often British writing does not use connective words like "to" or it doesn't worry about "the".
I like the idea of repeating the line, "she closes her eyes", and then, each stanza adds a new action. This evokes both remembering and forgetting. You convey the idea of an altered reality. Your rhyming is unique... different for each stanza. You have captured the bleakness of grief.
Ah, who doesn't have insecurities? We all doubt ourselves at time. We are all complicated and human. To be a writer is to question, notice ,dissect, consider, struggle, and constantly revise. No one person is perfect and this is a very good thing. At the line, " paranoid of making a fool at of myself", the word "at" is unnecessary. I like the line, " I suffocate in the isolation I created to protect myself." This is very poignant.
I found the premise to this story to be too simplistic. The male-female relationship is a time-worn puzzle that many have experienced. It's not always as straight-forward as a young woman seeking a father replacement. No mother, good or bad, ever considers that she has "done a good job". The commitment to being a mother is a lifelong one---- a full-time job that never ceases. Very few mothers would ever give up. Raising a son or a daughter requires effort. Sons also "have" unexpected children, not just daughters. Those sons may also struggle to raise and support their offspring. This is not exclusively a female prerogative. Human and family dynamics are a sensitive topic. "Woman lack the knowledge of what being a man requires." Really??? So, no female input?? "In most cases, the attempt to defeat nature's impossible task ends with great failure". What does this mean? Wrong word choice? Perhaps a few different synonyms for "poor" could have been used. I think the author is trying to voice thoughts of the main character, Linda. In the first paragraph, which could be further divided, the correct word is "unfortunate". This was a difficult subject to write about.
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