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497 Total Reviews Given
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126
126
Review of Phone Service  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi R. G. Hosman Author Icon! I just finished reading {item: 1992296} and I would like to offer you these impressions. I am not an accomplished writer or reviewer so please feel free to use or trash them. They are all yours *Smile*:

Strengths
I was on the “Request Review” page when I noticed the curious title “Phone Service”. Further, upon reading the description, I wanted to know what happened to the person receiving the call. You know what, I have myself twiddled my fingers, thinking on a similar topic but could never come up with something. That gave me an added reason and I wanted to see whether you stole my brain wave *Laugh* *Laugh**Laugh* Well, you almost did!

Based on a paranormal phone call, this story throws in quite a few incidents which lets the reader know that "heck something is going on, now". I like the fact that the tale moves at a swift pace, taking me from one incident to another and also that the size of the story is just right, so that it doesn’t overdoes what it tries to achieve. What I mean to say is that it doesn’t get repetitive at any point, so full marks for that!

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar/Suggestions:
1) I could see that you were missing to put commas at places. Like:
“About two weeks after that I was in the grocery store just about to get in line when it happened again”
Change : About two weeks after that, I was in the grocery store just about to get in line when it happened again.
See, I am no grammarian myself so I would suggest you to look around here on WdC and find some comma lessons as I think I have seen some top links here. Or wait, maybe I can mail you these things. Please remind me about it if I don’t do so!
Hey in fact, I found it : http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1338... Enjoy *Smile*

2) The second suggestion is that I believe a bit too much is happening to make it pass as a real event. What I mean is that instead of 6 car pile even if you had described a lucky escape from a monster truck then too the impact of the supernatural would have been there. Plus, it would sounded a bit more believable.

I mean, one-off freakish incident such as this would have been okay but a series of accidents of such drastic proportions requires a monster leap of faith, on reader’s part *Smile*

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind

The first time when the “caller” whispers “Happy Birthday”. I almost got goosebumps!

The overall feel
This is a curious and a different plot which you have in hand. I believe if you tie up the loose ends a bit this would definitely end up in something even better! Please feel free to call me to review it, if you decide to touch up the story *Smile*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Nishank
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127
127
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Cole Author Icon! I just finished reading "Dave's Public Speaking Nightmare" Open in new Window. and I would like to offer you these impressions. I am not an accomplished writer or reviewer so please feel free to use or trash them. They are all yours *Smile*:

Strengths
The title was the hook which drew me in. I am no good as a public speaker and thinking of it turns my feet to jelly, I know *Laugh* The best part is that it would ring true with many of us so expect a lot of footfalls for this piece. Great work, there.
I knew what to expect but still when you described the scene of a little Dave trying to stand up and say something I could feel his nerves. I think you did a good job there, too especially with that added embarrassment on top of the anxiety he felt. I could feel “aww poor kid” for Dave *Laugh*

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
1) Hey Cole, you got to increase the font size of the story because in present form it puts a lot of strain on the eyes. In case, you have trouble doing it let me know I will guide you with a easy step by step guide *Smile*

2) I would be suggesting a few changes, which if done, would add even more gloss to this piece.

Your wordings:
Handing him the customer file, before leaving without another word. Knowing he didn't have a choice, Dave's stomach started turning just at the thought. The hour in between feeling like seconds, before entering the conference room. While setting up the presentation materials, feeling like he was back in Mrs. Rowan's class.

My Suggestions:
Handing him the customer file, Diane left without saying another word. Now it hit him as he knew that he didn’t have a choice now. His stomach turned and twisted just at the thought of it all. As the hour flew like seconds, he felt as if he was transported back to Mrs. Rowan’s class and how much did he hate it!

See, this suggested para is by no means the best you could do but this is just a guide. What I am trying to say here is there are a few tense inconsistencies which would go away as you become aware of it. Keep writing and I am sure that you will get better and better.

3) Also, in the finishing stages I think it was a really sweet angle which you introduced with Ivy. I think if you give it a sterner second look, you will feel that the story feels a bit bumpy at these places. Not totally rough but could have been smoother *Smile*

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind
The lines where you so accurately describe the anxiety of Dave –
“It was at that moment his stomach betrayed him, with a deep breath he stood. The nausea rose with every step, as he could almost feel all eyes on him.

The overall feel
I believe you built quite a good base with portrayal of Dave’s issue with public speaking. I believe if you have a re-look, you could see that there are places which you can polish to come up with an even shining version of the story! Please free to call me in if you decide to rework on it *Smile*
*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Nishank
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128
128
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon, I just finished reading "The Warmth of Spring" Open in new Window. and I am here to offer my impressions in the hope that they might help you. Feel free to keep them or trash them, they are all yours *Smile*!

Strengths:
I am your fan, sir, a biiiiiiggg fan. Before this piece, I had mostly read the beautiful, breathtaking poems by you and man how they soothed my soul. <But I divert.> I wanted to know what magic could you lend to your stories and I must say you were as soothing, beautiful and awe inspiring in this wonderful sci-fi plot. It is hard to imagine that even a sci-fi can be made so rich in emotions but that is what you do always – push the level a notch higher, every time.

Frankly speaking, the immature reader/writer was disappointed a bit when I came to know of the ”shield” thing because it seemed to be out of place but the way you turned it around in the last 3-4 paragraphs proved that nothing was out of place and all of it was a stepping stone to the beautiful end you were about to paint. If this is not masterstroke then I don’t know what is!

Suggestions
Yes I have one very important suggestion. --> "Teach me to write such beautiful stories and poems” *Smile*

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind
The way you draw the parallel between the beautiful warmth of the spring to the unmatched comfort in the lap of one’s mother raised my goosebumps. I am overawed, honest.

The overall feel
I have nothing much to add apart from the fact that I never imagines a story dealing with something not observed in everyday life to be this rich in portrayal of emotions. I mean the way you tied the two ends of fiction and human emotion is exemplary. This big fan admires you and respects you from the bottom of his heart*Smile*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Nishank

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129
129
Review of The Morlaffs  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Don Two Author Icon, I just finished reading "The Morlaffs" Open in new Window. and I am here to offer my impressions in the hope that they might help you. Feel free to keep them or trash them, they are all yours *Smile*!

Strengths:
I never heard of Morlaff before but it sounded so exotic that it pulled me to this story. The story whetted my curiosity by outlining the curious plot. “Getting an alien race to laugh.” Well who is not going to be interested in the tale. 10/10 for this wonderful title and description!

The way you helped the reader “look” at Morlaffs was commendable. As I read, I could see a frail skeleton structure with yellow oval eyes and with pouches on the side of the feets! In fact, when I read what I have just written it becomes even clearer to me that visualizing such a creature wouldn’t have been possible without your wonderful eye for the details which lets me see the Morlaffs.

And hey, the image of a laughing Alien you put up against this story rocks!

Suggestions
None.

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind
Got to be the lecture scene where you say “strict explanations of what humor is, its history and development, regional, cultural, philosophical and racial differences, the entire gamut of humor as could be supplied by computers and we at the institute. That got us nowhere.”
That plain scientific way of trying to humor the alien cracked me *Laugh* Oh well, I think I am going insane as I can see people in white coats, bearded and spectacled delivering presentations on the history and development of humor. *Laugh**Laugh*

The overall feel
I really enjoyed making Morlaff laugh and in fact, imagined myself being humored by the aliens such was the twisted element in the tale *Laugh* Another story plot, eh!

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Nishank

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
130
130
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Lesley Scott Author Icon, I just finished reading "Quit tapping on the glass!" Open in new Window. and I am here to offer my impressions in the hope that they might help you. Feel free to keep them or trash them, they are all yours *Smile*!

Strengths:
The core of this funny, imaginative story was the animals in the tank chatting amongst them, griping to their caretakers and forcing the caretakers to mend their ways *Laugh* Great plot and you dealt with it superbly.

All because of your clever way of depicting emotions and idiosyncrasies of the animals I was able to relate to this weird tale. I was able to “see” the swishing turtle in trunk as well as grouper sneaking from below the rock. It definitely added to the setting of the story and it was possible because of the details you imparted here. Great job, pal.

Suggestions
1. I believe you wanted to use the word “Inadvertently” but typed it as “Inanvertinley” by mistake.

2. The place where you say “Was it his imagination, or did he hear a tv on by the tank?” seems like a bit awkward at that place. Like it happens out of the blue without setting the moment for it, in my humble opinion. Because just before that all was right, there was relief and then suddenly this line comes up. If that could be preceded with say a mumbling “Hey what is that chattering going on” or something less crappy than what I just wrote out there would be a sense of flow, I think.

3. A minor typo again,
Change : “Bosoes” to “Bozos”

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind
I would definitely think thrice before tapping on the glass even of a mini aquarium from now on *Laugh*
And the place where the grouper says – “ Were they raised by wolves? No consideration!"” tickles me. Brilliant *Smile*

The overall feel
This is a great plot which demanded imagination and creativity, both of which you seem to possess in plenty. I really enjoyed my trip to the water tank and it made me laugh out loud at places *Laugh*
If you give this tale a retouch, feel free to call me in *Smile*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Nishank

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131
131
Review of First love  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Tiger Cub 🔱 Author Icon, it's me again! I just finished reading "First love" Open in new Window. and I am here to offer my impressions in the hope that they might help you. Feel free to keep them or trash them, they are all yours *Smile*!

Strengths:
This is a sweet little tale with a twist ending which makes it enjoyable. It is a 100 worder I believe and bravo for the fact that you were able to fit in a story with a start, middle and an end, all in so little words. Lovely!
The word choice to me was brilliant. The way you put across the feelings of love were fresh and not plain old or simple. When you say “My happily ever after had arrived” it makes me smile. It is a lovely alternative way of using the word “soulmate”.

Also, although you did not have many words at your disposal you do not make the imagery of the tale suffer because of it. I could imagine the beautiful ebony black eyes shining brightly, full of love as I could see the smiling eyes of the narrator, with the lover in his arms. Good job!

Suggestions

Umm, see you had me tricked for major portion of the story but if you could somehow move the “kids watering the plants” portion to somewhat later you could have fooled me completely. I mean it alerted me, so as to speak, to be ready for a surprise. But that doesn’t mean that I want fooled – no by far no *Laugh*

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind
It has got to be the place where you say – “Wretched Pheromones” It seems like you hate saying things as they are and I love these types of writing which don’t state the obvious. I believe we all do!

The overall feel
You had me thinking of it as a cute little romance story, then tricked me but nevertheless entertained me all the while keeping the love as the core of the story. Lovely work! *Smile*
*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Nishank

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132
132
Review of A musician's life  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Tiger Cub 🔱 Author Icon, I just finished reading {item:1989876 } and I am here to offer my impressions in the hope that they might help you. Feel free to keep them or trash them, they are all yours *Smile*!

Strengths:
The title of the story was simple and the description invited me to look further. As soon as I go through the first few lines I realize that it involves a demon which resides in a musical instrument and is married to a musician! Now this is interesting. This is something unexpected, weird yet interesting and I think you cleverly made out a story out of the plot.
Maybe I am reading too much between the lines but I believe the narrative has a subtle parallel story running along. For some reason, I felt that the musician is infact enamored by the Stradivarius violin you talk about in the tale and is hopelessly in love with the music making process – Obsessed maybe. His burning passion lies in the playing the instrument and he can’t get his mind away from it it and hence termed as better half!

I may be totally wrong but this is what I felt.
Another strength to me is the light breezy read it offers which is essential to a different kind of subject topic such as this. It made me enjoy it even more.

Suggestions
None

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind
The place where you say : No. I am not insane. (I had myself tested.) is one of my favorites. Classic.

Apart from it, the last line also tickles me :)

The overall feel
I really enjoyed this curious yet funny tale*Smile*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Nishank

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133
133
Review of Thank you  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Lola Author Icon! I just finished reading "Thank you" Open in new Window. and I am here to offer my impressions in the hope that they might help you. Feel free to keep them or trash them, they are all yours *Smile*!

Strengths:
Wow, this is as personal as it gets. I could sense the fact that it is written straight from a wounded heart as there are restrained raw emotions threatening to cut loose anytime. There is as much honesty in this piece as there is sadness which tugs at my heart, throughout.
Another strength to me is that it never went overboard. It would have been the easiest thing in the world to give it the shape of a long rant post - since gloom is all what we see in the times of distress – but you gave it an balanced tone yet never overly suppressing the underlying emotions. To me, that wasn’t an easy to task to do.

Suggestions
Well, it certainly feels odd to point out grammar errors in this personal memo *Blush* but they are the essential elements of any form of writing, in my opinion. They are just minor observations and shouldn’t take much time to do away with :

1) “You took me by surprise. All though your affection itself wasn't really. I had gotten used to it by then.”
Since it is the very first line of the memo, it becomes a bit more noticeable. I would suggest using hyphen “-“ or a “;” to join the three sentences since they are related an dependent. In present form, they appear to be a bit choppy, if I may say.

2) “again there is a different between knowing”
Change “different” to “difference”

3) when we both know you're goal is to get it as big as possible.
Change “you’re” to your.

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind
The place where you describe the night where you fell in love. The description was so beautiful that it made me remember the time when I fell in love. Magic!

The overall feel
There is a certain honestly in your writing which is for all to see but what I also think that you have a way with words. When you described something I was all eyes and ears and that to me speaks of your writing abilities.

As I read on, at many a places I felt like I was the man you were describing there. I know I can be whimsical, moody and what not. I feel sorry for the people around me and I know that I have to get better but then the old habits creep in again. Hope I can remember this heartfelt pain as a slap to my face. Thanks for that *Smile*

I just want to say that I hope you have moved on because ultimately it is “we” who drive our emotions and not the other way around. Take care, dear.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking. I feel honored to read your work.

Thanks,
Nishank

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134
134
Review of Falling  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi E Duckworth Author Icon! I just finished reading "Falling" Open in new Window. and I am here to offer my impressions in the hope that they might help you. Feel free to keep them or trash them, they are all yours *Smile*!

Strengths:
No doubt the end takes the cake. What a lovely unexpected end. You got me there, I fell for it, totally! *Laugh**Laugh*

But the end wouldn’t have looked fabulous without the contrast that was made possible by the solid opening lines. I could feel the disappointment of the narrator throughout, maybe because I have felt the same many a times in my life. You know what, these insecurities bug us all so maybe you touched a chord there which affects all of us and thus ensures that this story would be liked by all. Fabulous work there*Smile*

Suggestions/c}
Just minor observations here:
1) The hyphen before “- it seems” could be done away with I think. I am not sure though!
2) In my humble opinion, the sentence “ Sometimes, I wonder why I ever get back up, I would only fall down again” would be better worded as -Emm, Umm - Ahh, no I couldn’t think of an equally worded sentence, so see if you can do it *Wink*

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind
The image evoked by this wonderful 100 worder of an utterly disappointed, broken person finding a reason to live. Lovely!

The overall feel
This was a superb little story which had just the right mixture for a 100 worder and ended with a suspense. Couldn't have gone better I think. I liked it and would be hopping over more in your ports *Smile* In fact, you have inspired me to write a 100 worder or a 55 worder for that matter!

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking. I feel honored to read your work.

Thanks,
Nishank

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
135
135
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Whitemorn Author Icon! I just finished reading "They Come With The Heat" Open in new Window. and I am here to offer my impressions in the hope that they might help you. Feel free to keep them or trash them, they are all yours *Smile*!

Strengths:
More than the obviously brilliant rhyming and the rhythm, I feel that the fact that the poem makes the reader “see and feel” the nature forms the strength. The dancing butterflies hover in my mind along with mosquitoes, which leave their marks in there. Along with the lovely firefly, the flying gnats and the praying mantis, I could also feel the heat of a typical summer evening. Well painted, sir!

Suggestions/c}
Just minor observations here:
1) “Path” doesn’t gel in with “math”.
2) Also the same line “The Grasshoppers pop to get out of our path,” somehow appears a bit awkward when I read it aloud.
3) The dragonflies “purr” felt a bit out of place since they are more of a “buzz”ing kind rather than purring but that’s just a minor issue.
4) “Hair” and “Swear” do not go exactly rhyming along. If I say it aloud I could spot a bit of bump, you know what I mean?

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind
The beetle’s shell right at the start painted a beautiful colorful image in my head and for some reason I saw them colored purple, red and yellow. Silly me!
Then the fireflies won me over as they encircled my heart!

The overall feel
This is a lovely poem which wins at what it is trying to do – to paint a picture of hot summer evening abuzz with different insects, all colorful, some pesky but beautiful nevertheless (– except the mosquitoes and gnats maybe! *Laugh* )

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work, Ron! Keep writing and keep rocking. It was lovely reading it as was the case with your other works.

Thanks,
Nishank

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136
136
Review of A Helping Hand  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Charlie ~ Author Icon! I just finished reading "A Helping Hand" Open in new Window. and what a top notch read it was, my friend! I am here to offer my opinions in the hope that they might help you. Keep them or trash them, they are all yours}*Smile*!

Story Strengths:
I am struggling to find out what NOT to write in here. I mean everything including the title, the description, the suspense build up, the setting, the characters, the dialogues, the end and real thrill you have in the soul of this story makes it a perfect read for me. I am so happy for your friend that you have such caliber and skill. Amazing!

If someone puts a gun to my head (the one with the receding hairline*Laugh*) I would say that the narrator’s voice stands out for me. It maintains a distance initially with alight jovial tone but once things start heating up it drags us to hell – the stroke of a genius! Superb!
The fact that you were able to expertly paint a picture in my head was another strength to me. I wince when you tell that the body was contorted, I almost scream when the flashlight falls and my heartbeats get heavier as they two decide what to do with the body and there are sentences like –
“Have you ever tried to dig a shovel into dirt frozen solid during the wicked promise of the devil’s hour? I have. It doesn’t work very well,-”.
Pure *evil* *Smile*

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Perfecto, here too!

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind
This is such a brilliant plot in totality that it would be tough to zero down to a single strand but I really liked the way you introduced the thrill in the story with Mike mumbling to himself and voila, the story mood turns upside down within the next few brilliant suspense filled sentences.

The overall feel
This has got to be one amongst the top ten stories I have read on WdC in terms of presentation, the plot completeness and the thrill/suspense factor. And when you read this, please bear in mind that I am allergic to hyperbole, myself, and I say things straight from my honest *Heart*.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking. I really felt honored to read your work.

Thanks,
Nishank

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137
137
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Whitemorn Author Icon! I just finished reading "A Totally Unexpected Event" Open in new Window. and I would like to offer you these impressions. I am not an accomplished writer or reviewer so please feel free to use or trash them. They are all yours *Smile*:

Story Strengths
To me, the rapport between the two friends forms the core of the story. Upon reading the story, I could feel as if I met a goofy childhood friend of mine. That to me was the power of the story.
The dialogues were another strong suit. The choice of words was perfect and because of the clever choice the dialogues felt absolutely natural, throughout.

The setting of story was completely believable although if seen individually many of the events may seem improbable. I would not reveal them all but as an example consider the fact that the two friends met all of a sudden via some people search but somehow, you made it sound believable. Well done!
And hey, I loved the nickname Liv along with the name Olivia. *Heart*

Characters:
Jack, the goofy man, was obviously a well crafted character, as I said earlier since I could imagine a friend such as this. So, no more words on that character except for a “Great Job!”

“Stinky” the clever schemer was an integral part too and I could feel the warmth he felt for Jack, his buddy. His camaraderie with Jack is evident throughout the tale, more importantly in his actions rather than his words.

Olivia – the one with the lovely nick name Liv – has a limited role in the tale but man was her character needed! The panic, the mayhem, the eye-rolling and the defending of kids all played a minor but important part in setting the scene.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Just minor typos, here –
1. "Their not brats you guys, their good kids"

Suggestion --> Change “Their” to “they are”

2. "Well, we need to keep our whits about us right now

Suggestion--> Change “whits” to “wits”.

3. She was stuttering and shaking)

Suggestion --> Remove the “)” at the end.

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind:
<Sorry I can’t say much>
The unexpected twist at the end of the story! Not that one, the other one *Laugh*

The overall feel
This is a really good story and I enjoyed reading it.
*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Nishank

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138
138
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Dance-Monkey ~ We've got this Author Icon! I just finished reading "Memory's Dance (now in book form)" Open in new Window. *Smile*:
I am no acclaimed reviewer or writer but I would still like to offer my impression in the hope that they might help you. Keep them or trash them, they are all yours*Smile*!

Story Strengths:
I really liked the way you started the story. The man talking to a crab who had its own umbrella *Cool* I wanted to know more and it made me read further.

Another thing I really liked was the way in which you made complex things sound simple. There was some heavy stuff in there, especially the last paragraph, but you made the reader feel at ease. In my opinion in your real life, you must be a kind of person who sees the life from a distance, observing the events as they unfold without getting too involved in them and I say so because your writing says so *Smile* Maybe, I am wrong about your personality sketch but I am right about one thing – the quality of the last paragraph was top notch.

Monologue/Third-Person Narration
The narrator’s voice holds my interest throughout the story. Even if I exclude the third paragraph, which I already talked about, the narration stands out for me. The part where mom tells that why the kid and father doesn’t bond was natural and believable, without an effort to be so. Then, the little part where you tell that father and kid were anxious because uncle was coming also was said effortlessly. It might seem to be a simple sentence to some but to me, who struggles saying simple things simply without making them look artificial, that looked great.

Suggestions
For this tale, my suggestions are more like questions *Blush*. Umm, to me the crab story and the rest part seem to be in different worlds. I mean I do not understand the relation between the two! Also, I could understand what Mom had driven into (the crab? *Blush*)
Even as I say this, I have a feeling that there is a subtle underbelly to this story which my untrained eyes were not able to capture. I could gauge that by the deep insight you have about life that somehow there was a connection which I couldn’t spot.
My suggestion would be to obviously dumb down this story a bit. I am not sure of this advice though since I understand that not all writings are meant for everybody!
<For my own curiosity can you please answer these questions in mail, if they don’t take much of your time?>

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
None I could spot

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind
I would remember this line for some time, I know –
“Words are not like rentals, you can't ever take them back. Once they leave a person's mouth, they stop belonging to that person and become the property of whoever is within earshot”
Brilliantly said.

The overall feel
I really feel that you have a wonderful, light way of telling a story and the story felt like a cold breeze on a hot summer day to my soul, at times. IF somehow I could have understood that connection how much would have I liked it, I wonder! My bad *Smile*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Nishank

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139
139
Review of Sweet dreams  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Tiger Cub 🔱 Author Icon !

I read your story
 Sweet dreams Open in new Window. (13+)
Vs. beautiful nightmares
#1988695 by Tiger Cub 🔱 Author IconMail Icon
and I am here to offer my impressions. Though I am no gifted writer or a re-knowned reviewer but I hope that some of it might help you. Please feel free to take or throw away anything what you like from this. *Smile*

Strengths:
What an amazing creativity you have. I really liked the way you built such a fascinating tale literally out of nowhere. I mean we all dream, sleep and get nightmares but how many of us think that way! I am really impressed with the novel way in which you set the story. To me this was the core of the story.
The Title coupled with the description is which drew me in so full points to you there too.

While reading the dialogues, I could imagine the dreams fighting amongst and the confused dreamer/author staring which indicates that the dialogues complimented well the core creativity of the story. Great work!

Suggestions
This is a tremendously creative tale and hence it is difficult to better it but I think, going by the great creativity, you can think of some additional characters which would add even more intrigue and playfulness to the story. Like say another category of dreams, nightmare or say an additional plot like say dreams falling in love with human – that kind of stuff. I know you can do it because I could see you creative bent of mind through this story *Smile*


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:

At the place where you write “The Author” it confused me for a second. If you could write it by the sentence in the paragraph above it, I think it would be okay.


The lasting memory of this piece in my mind:
The Author looking for a muse comes into the dreamland! I cant stop being impressed!

Overall Feel
Amazingly creative story. Even if you don’t add anything new to this present story it stands out because of the plot. If you add something to it or if you have any other favorites do mail me, if you want a review. *Smile*
*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Nishank

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140
140
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi JTD Author Icon !
I read your story
 Vincent Sasia: Pride Open in new Window. (18+)
1. chapter of my book about a man who lets the ends justify the means
#1987626 by JTD Author IconMail Icon
and I am here to offer my impressions. Though I am no gifted writer or a re-knowned reviewer but I hope that some of it might help you. Please feel free to take or throw away anything what you like from this. *Smile*

Strengths:
To me the way you started the story really stood out. Your reasoning behind wars was detailed and an accurate description of the clever ways in which government in today’s time work. The fact that there is no clear enemy just scapegoats is clearly established by the opening salvo. I liked it.
Another strength of your tale in my opinion was the way you injected details into the torture meted out to Stanley and his son. I literally had to look away at times to escape the pain. Amazing work there.

Suggestions
Not many that I can think of. The only part which could be touched upon a bit are the dialogues. At present they are good but at some places, things happen too fast, which I think is difficult to capture and that is the reason that they seem a bit out of place Mind you, just a bit, because in the present form too they do their job well enough.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
None that I could spot.

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind:
It has got to be the tone during the introduction where you tell how education could be used to corrupt. Loved the way you built that.

Overall Feel
Overall, i think that it is a very good start to the novel. It forms a good chapter 1 and I would love to see how it moves forward. Mail me whenever you need a review of Chapter 2. I would be glad to dive in *Smile*
*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Nishank

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141
141
Review of Spilt Milk  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Eliacie Author Icon !

I read your story
 Spilt Milk Open in new Window. (E)
Oliver and Peter are inseperable, But do the adults really understand their friendship?
#1986660 by Eliacie Author IconMail Icon
some time back where it won the first place in Four times Genre and deservedly so. Though I am no gifted writer or a re-knowned reviewer but I would still like to offer my impressions of this story, in hope that some of it might help you. Please feel free to take or throw away anything what you like from this. *Smile*

Strengths:
To me, the unexpected end formed the highlight of this piece. The fact that you kept it all a well-disguised secret right until the end speaks – hollers on the top of the lungs - of your credentials as a writer. The length is just right for the flash fiction which serves it well. I kind of guessed the first secret by the three fourth of the story but the ending gave me a real wow! Spooky, I must say!

The title was clever enough to draw me in while the description was brilliant. It gives nothing away but is Inviting!

The dialogues of the children were perfect for the story line. They talk about nothing in particular but still manage to hold the attention.
I also like the fact that the story has a linear plot which you remain loyal too PLUS the fact that there is a scope for a Sequel kind of a story. Don’t you think so? Don’t forget to the share your royalty with me, once you write the sequel *Laugh*

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
There were a few places where minor changes would work wonders:
a) “…using his finger wipe up the chocolate..”
Change  insert “to” between his and finger in above sentence.
b) “…friend’s eye that made him unsettled...”
Change  if you could reword it as “..that unsettled him..” I believe it sounds better.

c) “… Oliver never came with to the room.…”

Change “…Oliver never came with “him” to the room …”

d) “ Nanny Carol had been changing Jamie’s nappy upstairs while he was in the kitchen with Oliver. “

Suggestion  Since this is the very start of the story, in my opinion you should introduce Peter in this very sentence. I am saying this because I was a bit confused the first time I read this story as to who was in kitchen with Oliver. The Nanny? Carol? Somebody Else?

So if you could say “Nanny Carol had been changing Jamie’s nappy upstairs while Peter was in the kitchen with Oliver” it would erase the scope of any doubt.

e) At one place you use this line “‘Stop telling fibs Peter,’ they always said.”
This line is in a new paragraph, which signifies,(atleast to me it did) that it tells what is happening in present in the story but on further reading the next line I understood that no you were still talking about why Peter always landed in trouble with Oliver and what adults used to say. So, in my opinion it would be better to keep it in the previous paragraph, I think but its your call.

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind
I especially like the end PLUS the place wherein you talk about the rocking chair and the fact that Oliver never went in there. Well crafted, dear!

Overall Feel
I really liked this story. The dialogues are good and I am pretty sure that in your second draft you make them even taut so as to change this very good story to an excellent one.

Don’t forget to call out for the review. I will be more than happy to oblige!
*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Kanish ~ we got this! Author Icon of House Stark!
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142
Review of Annie  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi carlton607 Author Icon !
I just finished reading your story, Annie, and I would like to offer you these impressions:

Story Strengths:
To me, the distress which you tried to portray and the unexpected end formed the highlight of this piece. You have done it well. Also, the fact that you were trying to “show” rather than “tell” was strength of this story. The length is just right for the flash fiction which serves it well.

Suggestions:
1) On reading the story, I feel that you have all the ingredients right out there and what needs to be done is to mix and match them properly. For example, I see that you were trying to set up the environment by telling the reader about dog Buster in these lines “. Buster was a mix breed dog and he liked to play.” But at its current place in the story, it stymies rather than aids in the flow of the story. Infact, it is a minor bump in the flow but a bump nevertheless.
Similarly, while talking about Annie, when you write these lines “She was not that old and her hair was blonde turning brown and her waste was small” it feels out of place. It is not wrong to tell about your central characters but it should never be done at the sacrifice of the story line. In its current place it doesn’t serve its purpose.

In my opinion, it would be better if you could club these character information in a neat little paragraph once you have shown the reader the environment of the night. That is when the reader would be most likely to aspire for more details of the characters.

2) In my humble opinion, it would be better if you rearranged the sentences to form a logical movement ahead. What I mean to say is, that I can understand that it was a scary night and Buster howled but it seems to be an incomplete picture even though you have all the details there. The visualization could have been even stronger if you would rearrange the paragraph something like below. This is my version of the first 2 paragraphs.

“Windows clanked against the grills as the howling winds kicked it. Just above Annie’s house, the lightening painted the dark night sky in its own silvery color. Annie recoiled at the sight of it. She could sense something ghastly about to happen. She took some deep breaths to take her mind away from it all but just as she was trying to gather herself she heard her dog yelp, as if it was strangled by an unearthly force; a scream escaped her sobbing lips which betrayed the strength in her frail body. It worsened her already shook up mind.”
Please understand that this is just my version of how I saw things and you may decide to reword it absolutely differently.*Smile*
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:

There were a few places where minor changes would work wonders:
a) “…waste was small..”
Change  waste  waist

b) “…peace of old wood...”
Change  “peace”  “piece”

c) “…pieceful slumber …”

Change “…peaceful slumber…”


The lasting memory of this piece in my mind
I especially like the end when it is revealed that how is she finally relieved of her distress. Dog – human bond stories never stop to impress me!

Overall Feel
I really believe that there is a solid storyline which you have and only if you can restructure it and produce a second draft you would see that how much more could be done with this lovely tale.
Don’t forget to call out for the review. I will be more than happy to oblige!
*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Kanish ~ we got this! Author Icon of House Stark!
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143
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Oh I absolutely loved the images of the clear blue sky and the accurate description of the "horrific" loneliness which stretches for miles there. Believe it or not, I found it soothing because India, my country, is obviously more crowded than the description you painted of your place. It gave me some sense of calm and perspective too that how could same thing appear as "loneliness" to some but give a "soothing" feeling to others.

The images are just wow. That sun lurking in the third snap makes me feel as if it is looking right into my eyes, trying to infuse freshness in my soul.

And finally, a big thumbs up for your message that we, "each one of us" matter even in the bigger scheme of things *Smile*

PS: We in India are crazy about cricket and when I read "stumps" in the title I assumed it to be stumps which are used in cricket and navigated to this post to finally find a friend here on WdC who understands cricket. I may not have got what I was looking for but good something much more serene and I am thankful for that!


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144
144
Review of Holding His Hand  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Chels! I just finished reading "Holding His Hand" Open in new Window.and I would like to offer you these impressions. Please remember that it is just my perception and you may decide use or overlook it :

I landed on this item via the Noticing Newbie review page. The title was tender and romantic, while the description leaned somewhat towards the mystical side. Thus, I jumped in.

Story Strengths:
To me, the strength lies in the fact that it talks about unrequited love in a heart touching way. Plus, the fact that a guy nearing the end of his life chooses to be with his friend for his last breaths touches the heart. The core of the story was real strong, and the story was well knitted around it. Good work, there.

Characters:
There are just two central characters and by the end of the story, I feel like I know them, especially Rose (what a simple yet lovely name :) ). She seems to be the girl next door, the best friend all of us want; the one caring, loving sort of a person we could depend on and I think you brought it out well. Kudos to you, especially for this character!

Sebastian, on the other hand, is not a guy you see every day but there is a chord that connects me with him because of the angle of the Foster parents thrown in there, I could see his loneliness, in bits and pieces.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar/Other suggestions:
Just a minor corrections here and there:
1) At one place you write “is that to much to ask”. Replace “to” with “too” and you are done.

2) I couldn’t help notice that you used “wheezed” at a couple of places more than you ideally should have. That happens, I know, we get lost in our stories *Smile* Just replace the word with a synonym or a phrase depicting the wheezing like say something dramatic - “his lungs dying to purchase more breaths” or something simple like “he gasped/panted”

3) The CAPS seem a bit odd, here. The few sentences, all in upper case, somehow end up devaluing the situation. I know you are trying to show the frustration and the irritation of Rose but then also, you words alone should be able to do it. In fact, I think you have the right words in that segment there, so you could very well drop these CAPS.

Other suggestions -
1) The very first line where you use the word “leisurely” seem a bit odd considering the serious health issues which Sebastian is facing. “Dragging my heavy foot” or something to that effect would be more like it, I think.

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind:
It would be the point in the story where the two characters kiss each other. It is a curious pick considering the fact that first when I read it, the passion in the kiss seemed a bit odd considering the tenderness in the story until then but then I thought of my love and imagined myself leaving, never to return. It clicked *Smile*

Overall opinion: :
All in all, I must say that it was a nice little story and I liked it. The tale is heart touching at some places but if you add even more intense emotions to it, the reader would be able to feel the emotions such as the pain, the suffering and the death from up-close which would turn this good story into a great one.
This is a great start nevertheless and I suggest you to add more layers to it. If you decide to do it and want my opinion on the revised piece please feel free to get in touch with me. I would love to review for sure.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.

Thanks,
Nishank

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145
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Pen! I just finished reading "So my dog got brainy..." Open in new Window. and I would like to offer you these impressions. Please feel free to use or disregard any of them :

How I landed on this Item
I was scanning for a newbie item to review and that is when I saw this piece. The title was catchy and had an informal yet inviting tone to it. I could no more resist *Smile*

Story Strengths:
In my opinion, the fact that a pet talked back to his master and that too in a grousing, complaining way formed the life of the tale. It could have been simpler if you would have let the pet reciprocate the love of his master but that would not have been as much fun as you made it to, with that little twist.
Great job on the dialogues and the tone, too. The tone was leaning towards friendly banter which clinched the deal for me. It was almost as of two friends were talking amongst which they were afterall, except for the fact that one of them was a dog.

The dialogues were taut and the sentences were short and thus inviting. Also the certain places you introduced the elements such as:

Sarcasm( when Frank mocks its owner),

Surprise (when the owner learns that Frank his talking today),

Humor(when Frank tells that dog food tastes disgusting AND the best of them all, that Franks hate it when its poop is collected) and
horror(at the end when Frank rises on his hind legs to let the lady know what he thinks)

It all worked well along with the clever use of phrases such as “pick a bone with you”. Made me smile also the words such as “Frank sat next to his newly created Mt. Turd”*Smile*

Characters:
Frank could be anyone’s pet and that made it easy to visualize him. An ageing dog getting cranky as he gets older was a clever trick as you gave him human characteristics yet remaining at his root, a dog. I liked it.*Balloon*
The support characters do their part well including the dog which catches its owner midfall. Not a character out of place, I believe.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I am not grammarian or a learned scholar so not much to offer except for:
1. You know the formatting of the text could have been a bit more eye pleasing, so as to say. Like at certain places where the dialogues start the text appears to be too thick. I mean, separating out the logical chunks of dialogues could have made it even more easier to read.
Please don’t get me wrong. It is easy to read in its present form too, but it is more because of your comic timing rather than structuring. Just a minor observation.

2. You know, I am new to writing too but in the past few months on my stint on this wonderful site, I have learned that adverbs can be a speed breaker to the flow of a story.
“Show rather than tell” is the key to excellent storytelling, friend *Smile*

What I mean is:
a) Frank said sarcastically. - (Current wording)
Frank rolled his eyes - (Suggestion) (Action of eye roll Implies the sarcasm)

b) He said gruffly -(Current wording)
He howled -(Not a very good Suggestion I believe but something of similar effect which shows he said it gruffly, in a subtle manner)

c) looked at me sternly - (Current wording)
Stared at me till I looked away -(Suggestion)

OR
Rolled up his upper lip, flashed his teeth as if challenging me to touch his poop.

The lasting memory of this piece in my mind:
It has to be when Frank tells that the food is tasteless as his owner gobbles up his cornflakes.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! I really liked it and I look forward to hop into your port some other time. You have a knack of comic timing, I believe and I love funny tales. Keep writing and keep rocking.

If you need to get more of your item reviewed, please let me know *Smile*

Thanks,
Nishank

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146
146
Rated: E | (5.0)
Initial Impression:
I am not sure if this personal recollection should be judged but I must say I could feel the pain, all over the poem. It touched me, made my heart bleed at places and somehow, even made me realize how helpless we are sometimes.
The title set the tone beautifully and you remained loyal to it, throughout.

What I liked the most:
The way you remained loyal to the emotions also to the rhyme. It added an even greater melancholy feel to it.
My favorite line was,which wrenched my heart --> "...there has always been tomorrow"

Keep writing, Lil La Pea, as the writing might very well be the outlet we need in such times. God bless you and thanks for sharing :)


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147
147
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ha ha. Not this is hilarious. Lovely use of "rings a bell".

Poor head bonking soul.

The way you set up the scene was commendable especially since this was going to be a comic piece but no, you stuck to it. I could learn a lot from it.


And finally, I couldn't con"Trol"l myself from using this pun of the worse kind.

Thanks for sharing and making me laugh.


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148
148
Review of Clean Up  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The overall feel:
It was a creepy little story and you managed to scare me to a certain extent. I braced myself for it since the very first line and I would like to think that I wasn’t disappointed. The story was crisp and the ploy of using a cleaner’s perspective on it was a good idea, I feel. The narrative style added gloss to the story and I think elevated the story from good to very good. The title was very apt too.

Plot:
Set in a cursed or a haunted house which has seen many murders over the past few months/years. A cleaner who has heard whisperings about it before too and infact has been there before, has to do the cleanup once again.
The plot was chilling, no second thoughts there. I could imagine myself as the one listening to the ramblings of this cleaner, and visualizing the state of the house.

Dialogues:
Although there were no dialogues but the narrative style never let it feel so. The word choice was really good and that place where you talked about the boots in the blood puddle and say “just like what you’re wearing” was a clever and a scary trick. It almost transported me to the haunted place. Loved it!

Characters:
Joe’s character was essential so as to introduce a second person’s view of the proceedings and to build suspense and I think you succeeded to do so. The narrator’s character was well shaped to creep out the reader. The cops played their part too by being ignorant :P

Things I liked the most :
As I said before too, that boot trick I talked about above was the favourite part of mine. Part from that, I liked the way you reduced the story to bare essentials for example, you could have rambled on about cleaning the safe places first and so on, but no you dove directly into the creepiest place and I think that it did work.

The alternative suggestions:
Not many, but if I were you, I would have placed this story in a bar, with the bartender listening on.(I got this idea when your character talks about beers) At present, although I can imagine all what is happening, I cant see a place where you are narrating story from so maybe that.
Also, a little bit of more gory detail in the “wolverine” paragraph, where you are trying to actually creep out the reader would have been great. Please don’t take it otherwise, it scares a hell lot in its current state too, but adding another level of ghastliness would have upped the feel of the story even more, I believe.

Score:
This is a great plot and setting which you have at hand and if tweaked a little, I believe you will have an even gem of a story here. I would give you 8 out of 10 for it.
You have all the good things working in your writing I believe and though I am by far still a learner of this craft too, I think you have the vision of a storyteller.

If you plan to edit this story, do ask me to review it and I would be glad to review it again.

It was a pleasure reading to it. Thanks for sharing :)


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Review of mrs adams  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good part
Hmm. This is an interesting plot. A psychic out to help a couple. I like the way you set it up, and the way dialogues keep it moving at a swift pace. Also, the the angle of an ex-wife also adds another mystery level to the story.

The slightly lose parts
At the beginning, there was a line " She sets about depriving Maria of her recent inheritance from her mother" But as the story progressed it moved in a different direction than it. Maybe it is the nature of campfire stories, which go with the flow of the different writers.

Also, at the end, I wanted to know what happened when Maria came out of Mrs. Adams' spell; Was Mrs Adams also manipulating him?
Was Maria mentally scarred once she came out of the trance?


The conclusion
All in all, i think it is a good story with great potential. Just tweak a few things, and you have something really good at hand. And when you do it, do call me in. I would love to offer my eyes to it. Thanks for sharing :)
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Review of Trepidation  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
CHilling words put to use perfectly. I really liked the way you described the actions of the characters and built up the environment so as to say.
Loved it. Thakns for sharing :)


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