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Review Requests: OFF
3,240 Public Reviews Given
3,279 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
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601
601
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Nathan. Nixie, again.


As I said in the email, the secondary genre isn't something I liked to read. But I cannot resist good sci-fi.

The set-up. Within a few paragraphs, you had me interested in Justin and his life. He sounds like a college kid with a big agenda. When Annie walked on stage, you demonstrated an endearing side of Justin's. I wondered where all that compassion came from. A positive upbringing, or a desire to stop a circle of poor family relations. We so often continue with the travesties of our youth. I was the cycle-stopper. The bad stuff ended with me.

You've given the reader enough foreshadowing to make them wonder about the veracity of Annie's claims.

I'm totally invested in Justin, and I took on this nonchalant interest in the guest. He was certainly bewildered and worried about losing his job, but the man did give Justin the required documents. And since there were no cameras mentioned to betray Justin, I was happy when he pocketed the change.

I was so proud of Justin when he stood up to Corbett. And he wasn't intimidated by her. Nor did he stoop to telling her off.

*Star* Own of my favorite parts was Justin walking off without his shoes. I can't say why, maybe it fit into my image of him. Sweet kid, trying to do his best. He's a lovable character.

Crash! Total surprise at the end of this chapter. Losing Mr. Mazaeus to a scientific phenomenon was shocker enough, but the FBI agent took Justine with her? For his own protection. Hmm. I'm not buying her story.

One thought on the usage of the word ass. I think it's okay the first time, but words like that really stand out on written pages. I'm not fussy, just sharing something I read.

Excellent job showing character's quirks and actions. Corbett came across as the least effective. A typical tough act with threats that we hear in TV shows and movies. But, the woman has time-traveling methods, and that was another surprise. So, she ranks up there with the rest of them. I'm sure a vulnerability will show up sooner or later.

Great descriptions of time traveling instruments. Simple to visualize without needing to know exactly how the travel worked. Not yet, anyway. Interesting that Mazaeus has a different mode of transfer than Corbett. Is she special, or is that FBI standard equipment?

At this time, I regret that it's not possible to venture into the next chapter. Including the link was a great idea. It's so easy for the readers to jump right in. Keep up the good work!

This as a five star write!

~Nixie




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602
602
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Motivated Man. Nixie, here.


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


I hope you're serious when asking for pointers because I don't want to discourage you. One way to help the story would be to stop explaining to the reader. I rarely do this, but using only your words, here's a little demonstration to illustrate my point.

"Yeah! It's 7:25 A.M. Bus leaves in ten minutes. With your fat ass body, no way we'll make it."

Here's the beginning of a paragraph, another place where you can shine.
"I hope there will be enough --"

*Idea* Now, I'm not certain who is talking, or if part of this is internal thinking. A suggested rewrite, simply reordering your words.

"You want to buy your girlfriend a gift with no money? You better hope there'll be enough gamers. And you gotta be back home before your parents find out what you did with your sister."

"So what, I stuffed her with chocolate so she'd fall asleep," he said.

(I'm not sure who he is here.)

said Jeff furiously.
Emotion can't be shown with dialogue tags. You can demonstrate furious by showing Jeff standing with clenched fists, for example.

I don't want to leave any more suggestions, risking discouraging you. The story is there. You just have to tease it out. If my suggestions helped, great. If not, ignore them. But please keep writing. It's the only way we learn. Try some reviewing and get a feel for who you want to be as a writer. Keep writing!

Hmm. What did Tom do? You can have loads of fun with that incident.


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603
603
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Elisa. Nixie, here.

Overall Impression
Fascinating title. I had to look up the meaning of Dargason before I could fully appreciate the title and brief description. It's always a treat to learn new words that enhance a story.

I'll admit to some confusion as the various characters and scenes shifted back and forth.

The story opened with a revealing paragraph about Maya, and what Scott might be bringing into her life. How horrible to live under such strict restrictions. I wondered who Maya would be after she met him.

But then, Chloe appeared, and the confusion began. Since she was seeing Scott from a different viewpoint, I thought she was a rival.

A few thoughts
Even though I was confused, the story kept pulling me in. I wanted to understand all of it.

I think this detracted from the dialogue and the overall appearance of the story.
Yukyukyukyukyuk.

Eventually, the battle came to light, and by then I had learned a bit more about these characters. I liked the dialogue because that enhanced the plot and helped me sort this out.

Part of me feels as if too much was left out of the story. What's happening is dramatic and highly consequential.

Actually, the title helped me understand the story.

Lasting Impression
The story ended without a resolution, which is a technique I prefer. It leaves me wondering what will happen, so the story lingers in my mind. Maybe I wasn't the best reviewer for this work, so if my comments offend or don't help, just ignore them. Keep writing!





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604
604
Review of Enemy Territory  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Carly. Nixie, here.

The tension rising as the plot unfolded made my heart pound. The soldier was doing everything he could to survive and reunite with his men. Not only was he in physical discomfort, his loneliness was described as raw. Nice work!

Many of the sentences focused not on the soldier, but on what was happening around him. At the moment, I'm thinking about the exhaustion he was staving off.

You really had me frightened when the enemy closed in. I hoped what he heard spoken and identified as the enemy talking would be words created by his panicked brain. I wanted the soldiers to be his unit, and he would be saved.

The story held true. The soldier learned one word from the enemy, which brought him relief. The startled birds scattering the enemy made me smile. Nature stepping in.

Massive relief when he was discovered.

I found a sprinkling of errors. If you want specifics, please email me. I wrote for this contest as well, and I was amazed at how you made this work.

Losing our way in any situation frightens. I remember the day my mom seemed to disappear while we were shopping. The racks of clothes looked like the enemy because I was too small to see around them. the experience traumatized me, but similar to the story, I eventually found my mom. Contrary to the story, she didn't find me, which to this day bothers me.

A poignant scene closed out the story, and carried through with the authenticity. He needed help to walk. His relief was palpable, and his friends' welcomes brought the scene to life. Good write!





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605
605
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
*Jackolantern* *Pumpkin* *Leafo* Fall into Halloween Raid! *Jackolantern* *Pumpkin* *Leafo*


Hi, WW. Nixie, here.

Oh, look what I found over here. A varied selection of 10 cNotes. From Easter, is the chicken or the egg that comes first?, following into Christmas Night. The note with the decoration balls, texted with Christmas Magic was my favorite.

A few eclectic notes, an unusual cartoon-ish one and an old fashioned note. Next, I came upon what I expected. Some spooky, some cute cNotes for Halloween. Was I surprised? Nope.

I liked the black cat sprawled on the pumpkin.

Um, not to sure about the Thanksgiving one. Please don't send one to me. Yuck. I'm a Vegan. lol

I remember the first cNOte I received. I didn't exactly know what it was, and I was devastated to learn it was an email that had to be deleted. The note stayed sitting pretty for a few months before I finally broke down and, sob, deleted it.

Your happy holiday cNote collection has left me with a smile on my face.

I found your collection here. Maryann outdid herself in searching for autumn items. "Invalid Item" 


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606
606
Review of One Scary Night  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
*Jackolantern* *Pumpkin* *Leafo* Fall into Halloween Raid! *Jackolantern* *Pumpkin* *Leafo*


Hi, Jim. Nixie, here.

A fine job of painting a scene with words. And to carry the image for the length of this poem? Impressive.

The conflict was presented in the first stanza, and then played out as Jimmy tries to find his way home. All the scary Halloween characters came out to play, although now they'd probably be dressed as superheroes. Except for my grandson. He wore the same frog costume until it no longer fit him. lol

Pinky Arbuckle? *Laugh* The name itself is hilarious, and it ran double-duty, keeping the rhyming scheme even. I noticed you kept the punctuation consistent. (none) *Thumbsup* The way you wrote this, any punctuation would have been in the way.

All the way through, I kept wondering where his mother was. Once I learned some of the kids were older, I felt a little better, but I would never send out a five-year-old child without supervision.

The mommy scene and her comments caught me in their poignancy. The words nearly evoked a tear. But then you turned the whole thing upside down.

You told a full story in these stanzas. That's beyond my skill set. The read was clever and surprising. Nicely done, Jim.

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607
607
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
*Jackolantern* *Pumpkin* *Leafo* Fall into Halloween Raid! *Jackolantern* *Pumpkin* *Leafo*


Hi, Jen. Nixie, here.

Very nicely composed with some excellent and surprising humor at the conclusion. I think it's about time for Christmas decorations to be displayed in the stores.

I liked the way you began the poem, introducing the reader to the season by engaging the senses. When I read the first line, all the hours spent raking came to mind. What a work-out.

Just thinking the words pumpkin spice bring memories of baking days. My mom's apple pies were awesome. She'd start around 7 in the morning and bake over twenty pies! We had a big freezer in the basement, so she could pull out a pie for whatever.

Hoodies, huh? Now we have a new way to show the cool air. Before hoodies, we had baseball caps and jackets. Since the term hoodies wasn't around at my time, the word stuck out and made me smile.

My grandmother made pumpkin pies from real pumpkins! The taste is unique. So different from canned pumpkin. Gosh, I miss those pies.

I dislike going over technicalities. My fingers don't like typing that word. Anyway, I thought the two verses with easy rhyming schemes worked well. The punctuation was consistent, the commas slowing the read. I found one tiny mistake.
*Bug* Enjoy it while it last,
lasts

Life changes, obviously, but when the kids are gone, and I live alone, the big Christmas's are part of the past. No more Thanksgiving dinners, either. Family moves so far apart. Ah, well. This isn't the place to be reminiscing, although I'm happy your poem got me thinking.

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608
608
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Panille. Nixie, here.



I don't do angels and demons, either. And I don't write fantasy. I wanted to see how you played the characters.

The beginning was in italics, at first I thought it was a mistake, but huge relief to be wrong. You were setting up the past so the present could take place.

Since I don't write demonic pieces, I don't know if the story of five souls imprisoning Lucifer was something you made up, or something from mythology.

What a creepy scene, when he smelled the blood spilled long ago and heard the screams.

Then your character trapped me. I liked this person because of the vulnerability he expressed about his fearless deeds.

When Lucifer kept threatening him, I guessed his fate would be taking a downward turn.

You might want to take a look at the paragraph beginning with "I tried to reply--"
I think the phrase "it's not that" could be stated more clearly. Also, take a look at the formatting disagreements. Maybe beginning a new paragraph with "Imagine someone--" That should straighten up that area.

Picky, picky. I can never figure out why writers use the words 'the end' at the conclusion. We know it's the end. *Confused*

Astute statement made in this story. In order to save some, he'd killed countless. What an interesting perspective. And for that to be the reason Lucifer left him? Really twisted. I don't think the narrator much liked himself after that revelation. In order to do good, we have to do evil. Seems there should be a balance, but there is no world of 'shoulds' only what is.

In addition to a short adventure story, the character is faced with himself. I felt his plight when you described the sensation of being wrapped in a blanket. Great imagery that was easy to grasp. A relatively innocent portrayal that represented darkness and helplessness.

In the aftermath, the meaning of the title gelled in my mind. *Thumbsup*

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609
609
Review of Addicted  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Victoria. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


One word titles are often powerful. Addiction alerts the reader as to the contents. It suits the situation, as well. As if thinking up more than one word is exhausting.

I had a difficult time reading this, due to the topic. One of my daughters has fibromyalgia. I don't know anything about addiction, but she said the medicine is addictive. Often, she'll take more than prescribed.

I think she is also trying to escape from her life. It's not a happy one, and her husband isn't a horrible person, but he isn't respectful. Always criticizing her, which reinforces the need to become unaware of her surroundings. Our family conjectures if she left her husband would that make a difference?

Your thoughts are similar to hers, and it's a heart-breaking read. Since your work is 'somewhat' personal, I won't continue as if addressing you, personally. Once the downward spiral begins, without help from someone, the road is rocky.

In the last stanza, hope resounds. What adds to the agony is self-judgement. Recognizing that the problem comes from within is an important one. No one likes to hold a mirror to what they've become when circumstances or events have changed us into someone we don't recognize.

I picked up some rhyming here and there, but nothing really specific. My only thought is to keep the length of the lines consistent for a uniform look. In some stanzas, but not all, the long sentences appear at the end.

The narrator wondering what she/he has done to deserve this fate is a concept mentioned once, and later contradicted. Which is great! And 'where did I go wrong' is another self-defeating statement. Although it's a legitimate question, struggling for the answer is not the solution. Life is what it is.

I hope this person breaks through the vicious cycle. Waking up depressed is the worst. Waiting on time to see what will happen agonizes.

Keep writing. It helps.





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610
610
Review of Unraveling OZ  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Anne. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
I almost passed this by because all I saw was one paragraph with long sentences. I'm sorry, but it didn't look too promising.

A few thoughts
Since I'm reviewing your work, obviously you've caught me in a disguised trap. What looked on the page to be so innocent turned into something rather brilliant. I can't figure out what name would be on the slipper, though.

This movie has been the topic of many a discussion because there are so many layers within the charming story. Some of it's charming.

The image of the yellow-bricked road splashed red sums up my feelings about this movie.

You might want to use a paragraph break somewhere. Or, put a period after OZ rather than a comma to continue the sentence. Then begin a new sentence with: But when pieces--

Otherwise, I nearly lost the meaning in the jumble of words.

I like what you wrote, which took me totally by surprise. Exactly the opposite of my original impression.

But it's only a little bit of writing. Maybe you accomplished everything you wanted with this piece. I can also see it being developed a bit more. It's up to you. Keep writing!




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611
611
Review of Hard Truth  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi, Turtle. Nixie, here. Happy FIFTH!

An interesting approach for a hook. Unusual smells that placed questions in my mind. The title and brief description left little doubt as to the content, but I was eager to read a story about it.

Just to be clear, the narrator has consulted some sort of magical being? The jumping up from the leaning against was a little confusing for an action scene.

The narrator is not too swift. A bit clueless, really. My judgement comes from not knowing anything about him. Is there anyone out there who doesn't realize we create our own reality? We don't need any magic to change our lives. If we can't change our circumstances, we can change the way we think about them.

Okay, so that wasn't your exact point, but it ran along similar lines.

Anniversaries are celebrations, not editing times. Still
Why the bloody heck not?!?!”
Multiple exclamation points are distracting. Show emotion through action, which you already did, not punctuation.

Big relief when Clueless comes to his own realization. Now he'll have to face the consequences. He may or may not be able to control his jealousy. The woman he loved might not believe he changed, or she might have been so traumatized she'll want nothing to do with him. What really matters is our intention, and not the receiving, over which we have no control. Let's say he changes. He still lacks another revelation. The changing is for him, not for her.

Eat some *Cakeb* Throw some *Confettib* Don a *Partyhatb* and celebrate!


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612
612
Review of YOU BE THE JUDGE  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi, Milton. Nixie, here. Happy FIRST Anniversary.

Overall Impression
I read your bio and discovered you are 97 years old. You must have a sharp mind to continue writing.

Social Security fraud in a short story. Interesting topic. Isn't SS knowledgeable when a person dies? My mom lost my father's benefits immediately. And it put a pinch in her budget, but he left her well-cared for.

I do not think think the answer is simply right or wrong, although I know what the laws dictate.

Thoughts
If you're asking individual reviewers for their opinion? Fraud is fraud, in the government's eyes. I'm not completely convinced the family's actions were justified, but when someone's back is against the wall? In my experience, the people who work for SS have no compassion, nor will they bend any rules, despite the circumstances. For a reason that's too complicated to explain, $130.00 is automatically deducted from my benefits. This will remain the same for the rest of my life. I fought, but lost.

There are several ways to improve this story, but I try not to edit much for anniversary reviews. Who wants to scrutinize work when a celebration is in order? Something easy to explain. For dialogue tags, stick with he said, she said. Show emotions through actions, not adverbs tacked on to tags. Okay! No more.

In closing
I think you have a strong opinion about this matter. When the politicians go on and on about fraud, I think they are picking on a very small percentage that ends up hurting those who need the benefits. Not the other way around. Such is the way with our government.

Such a serious topic for a happy month. I wanted to leave here after putting a smile on your face. How can I do that? Here.

Throw some *Confettib* don a *Partyhatb* and eat some *Cakeb* I'll be thinking of you. *Bigsmile*

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613
613
Review of Abduction  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
e:CakeB}"Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi, Kris. Nixie, here. Happy 10th!

Overall Impression
I'm not an alien abduction fan, but because you mentioned a twist, my curiosity insisted I read.

Thoughts
The story sounded like a typical alien abduction, so nothing really stood out to me. About half-way through, I figured out the twist, but the words continued. (The foot printing and needle prick left no doubt in my mind.)

Writing from the POV you choose was the best part of the story, even after my curiosity was sated. Maybe someone who has not experienced this miraculous event (trying not to reveal the twist) wouldn't figure this out so easily.

I doubt you'll return to edit this, not after so many years, so I won't offer suggestions. A few of the longer sentences could be shortened to create greater impact. (Oops. A suggestion slipped out.)

In closing
For any readers still bewildered, the last line was the perfect way to resolve the conflict and tension. Interesting POV and corresponding perceptions.

I wish the identity of Kyron was noted. Very mysterious. I wondered how this story was inspirational.

My purpose here was to celebrate with you, not fuss over corrections or ask questions. Eat some cake, reflect on who you've become since penning "Abduction." Get a little crazy. Ten years is an impressive span of membership. *Star*

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614
614
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi there. Nixie, here. Happy 9th!

Overall Impression
Excellent title, and thanks for the clarification in parentheses. I've never written a testimonial, and reading this was pure delight.

I chose this piece to read because it was the only item highlighted in 'recommended pieces'. There were so many items in your portfolio to choose from. All of them carried the central theme of recipes. *Thumbsup*

I imagine most, if not all, members will relate to what you've written.

Thoughts
I've heard a few members lament that they've lost touch with their own writing because all the 'harmless' fun distracts them from writing. Your first paragraph expressed the predicament in true culinary terms.

I thought the second paragraph started like it might be a slam, but after reading the last line, I laughed. Very clever and humorous.

The satire continued throughout, and although we're not acquaintances I bet you're a fun person to get to know.

In closing
The last line summed up the piece with a warning and a laugh. My case of addiction is impervious to any methods of withdrawal, other than someone upsetting me. Then I have to walk away.

Cerebral gluttony--too funny.

I hope your entire anniversary month consists of eating gourmet cupcakes with cherries on top. (Yeah, I read that story too. Awesome cover art made me want to gobble that off the page.)

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615
615
Review of Faded Ink  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi there. Nixie, here.

Overall Impression
Beginning a story with a quick setting followed by dialogue is my favorite method to convey a story. It brings the reader into a current scene and quickly immerses them. That's what happened when I read your story, anyhow.


Thoughts
I read this with a feeling of dread. One simple line of dialogue established the conflict. I can't imagine what it's like for a person taken down by Alzheimer's disease. For all intents and purposes, the loved ones are gone. But the family remembers. Moments of lucidity come and go without prediction.

When Janet 'awoke' Harold's joy was keenly expressed through his actions. In this case, summing up what he told her worked well to further the plot. Earlier in the story, you let the reader know what had transpired previously, so Harold's conversation with his wife made sense.

In closing
When I read stories like these, where characters come alive, I wonder what happens to them after the story ends. That's the hallmark of skilled writing. It sounded as if Harold never put Janet in a facility, but kept her at home, ready for her no matter her state of mind. How awful to live in one world while your loved one lives, unwittingly, in another. My dad's Alzheimer's progressed so slowly, it was only after he passed that we realized how long ago it began.

Okay, I have to stop writing before I cry. Great work!

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616
616
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Ivanka. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


Overall Impression
You have the makings here of a strong story. Your sentence structures are varied, and you use incomplete sentences to great effect. I noticed opportunities to employ a few more by taking out the verbs.

A few thoughts
I liked the way the story began, and I think continuing in snatches would strengthen the story. Here's one example from the first paragraph. These are all your words, rearranged. Nothing of mine has been added to alter them.

Smoky bars and cafes. Tables occupied and people standing. Between them, girls with red lips. Whores. Lusty, lascivious. (excellent alliteration.) Their animality (not a word) surprised him.

He saw her. Leaning over a man, slender hands hidden beneath his shirt.

Do those examples help of confuse?

*Question*
He took her by the hair and wrapped [them] around his wrist
Did you mean wrapped [it]

He saw her pale neck. Tasted [him.]
Tasted [her]?

a woman who knew she [is] beautiful.
Verb tense change. knew she [was] beautiful

Disheveled hair were falling
Disheveled hair [was] falling good
Disheveled hair fell. better

himself on the spot the man.
In the man's place?

Lasting Impression
I'm left with questions. Did the guy ever get her, or was this all imagined? Because there's no transition from seeing her to moving into a hotel room confusion is the overwhelming impression.

The last sentence was beautiful. If only I knew who [him] was. The man who imagined he was with the woman?

Sorry for not understanding the exact intent. I would love to hear from you and read your response. *Wink*



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617
617
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Xander. Nixie, here.



Thoughts/Impressions
The description of the wife in the first paragraph encouraged me to keep reading. I'm thrilled no one is around when I wake up. I doubt the description would differ much.

As the plot unrolled
Right away, it was obvious how close the married couple was. She couldn't sleep without him. So sweet.

Cute dialogue reinforced this mood. Good job, there. For me, the dialogue is the most revealing of character. It's where most of my focus goes. The same is true for some editors.

I laughed at the (not fuzzy) comment tacked on to that sentence. It also showed warmth and a wry sense of humor. So, overall, I was prepared for a sweet story.

When the story turned toward Danielle, and her sad expression, my heart sunk. No child that young should be sad on Christmas Day.

Good job showing the scene as seen through the parent's eyes. The cigar burn was the most impressive touch. Except that led to questions. Why didn't they notice the stink from the cigar?

In a way, the parents made a bad judgement call in protecting Danielle's innocence. Also, most parents with young children have preventative measures that keep a child from opening a door.

Sorry! I tend to get upset when it comes to kids. I realize all this was necessary to carry the plot forward.

Lasting Impression
Losing a child in a crowd is terrifying. I was relieved that drama was quickly resolved with little fuss and great kid action.

I wondered why Officer Crane came home with the family and then stayed to chat. I'm not sure how the boot became wedged in the fireplace. The officer had been walking around all day with only one boot? The only sense I can make from this is that he deliberately left his boot so the Santa myth could continue.

I didn't mean to pick this apart. I tend to ask a lot of questions. And when kids are involved, I tend to dive too deeply into a story.

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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there. Nixie, here.



Thoughts/Impressions
My first thought was wondering why the description of the house dragged on in explicit detail. For an opening chapter, writers strive for active scenes that engage the reader.

The plot continued with Joven investigating the house, which was of little interest, other than her mom knowing what room Joven would choose. I liked that part!

My second thought was why, after 99 reviews this has only been edited once. I'm guessing you've achieved your goal for this chapter.


What I liked the most
I was taken completely by surprise when another dimension entered the plot. That should more than protect the mom and Joven from the ghost? Ghost as in the literal, or ghost of something past?

How could Joven already have friends if she just entered another dimension? How would she know a college was there? I think the phrase 'dropped into another dimension' gave me the feeling that there was no possible way for Joven to know anything in advance.

*Penb*
Don't sweat the small stuff
Linda Welch asked,
It seemed odd to use the first and last name of Joven's mother in this particular way. Maybe if her name was introduced earlier in the plot?

Lasting Impression
So the moving van can cross dimensions?

There must be answers in following chapters. I wished for a link to the next at the conclusion of chapter one. Something tells me that after five years, you won't be returning to edit this chapter.

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Review of The Flawed Gods  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi J. Thayne. Nixie, here.


Overall Impression
Interesting comments you left at the bottom of this work. I'm guessing you're satisfied with what you've written, or you're laying unconscious beneath that cement wall you mentioned.


As the plot unfolds
Actually, I found this to be a depressing read. There's no argument to contradict this being. His vigilante efforts are indeed pointless. And if a person continues in that vein of thought, danger lurks.

At times, I have this wide-angled lens and see the futility of it all. Best I can grasp is the importance of relationships. Trying not to hurt the people who venture into our lives.

At least for humans, there's an end to this. I wonder why this being doesn't self-destruct, rather than carry on. Good grief, he's been suffering for over ten-thousand years? I guess Elsie keeps him propped up.

The beginning was a little over the top, the part where he talked about what he was seeing. The last sentence in the 5th paragraph needs some restructuring. As written, his thoughts are crashing upon the cliff faces. Unless that's what you're trying to capture.

*StarR*
Parting thoughts
What I'm asking is why? What's the purpose behind the story? I guess the brief description says it all. A god who suffers more than humans. This being does appreciate the irony of life, and in the conclusion, he finds something positive to seek out. I enjoyed the scifi aspect and the means you created for this god to travel along. Nice work.

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620
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi there. Nixie, here.




Overall Impression
I'm burning up my brain trying to put all the pieces together. Sorry for the play on words. When I read the conclusion, and then went back and read the story twice again, I think what confused me was Patty calling her aunt and asking how to make a quilt.

How did Patty go from this seemingly young person to the one who died? It took her that long to complete it? This is driving me crazy. Especially since it seems everyone else figured it out.

A few thoughts
Sometimes I find answers when I write. Jumping to the conclusion, the box happened to be in Patty's room where she died. So how did she have it in the beginning of the story? *Facepalm*

Often, if I don't click with the meaning of a story, that lack is kept to myself. But this story was beautiful and I wanted to understand it all. Which is still not happening. I followed what happened in the conclusion. Patty had been living another woman's memories with each scrap of fabric.

Lasting Impression
With any hope left, you'll answer this review and turn on the lights in my brain. Aside from the second paragraph, everything made sense to me. Maybe it'll hit me later. I'm an idiot.

So much exposure for this story, yet no reviews? You must have left everyone spellbound. Congrats on all the accolades in newsletters.

The lack is on my side, not yours. I apologize.



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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


Overall Impression
It was only in retrospect that the description of Simon's father in the first paragraph made sense. Because the action was hot, I wasn't overly interested in what the dad was looking through. I wanted to know what he was looking for. My eyes skipped over the word 'farming' as inconsequential to the plot. My mistake. The dad's dirt and sweat would have been in context had I slowed down.

A few thoughts
You did a good job of capturing a teenager's anger. The outburst at the conclusion was very effective. I had already decided the dad wasn't a great guy, so I felt vindicated when Simon confronted him.

The black box remains a mystery. Since the genre is scifi, the implications are tantalizing. Sion's a bit of a contradiction, which is good. The farm setting generally suggests calmness and ease. A type of wholesome living. As it turned out, Simon didn't want any part of that, but yet, he was angry for being denied the opportunity. And how could his parents not tell him? I think you're building an excellent character here.

Some considerations. I only ask questions when an author's work affects me in some way. So, what follows is good news.

You don't need to repeat door in this sentence.
The door burst open and Henry walked through the door

It's easy to slip up and be repetitive. A thesaurus helps me.
His parents looked at him and exchanged looks before looking back at Simon.

I stumbled over this fragment
the mother of Simon and Henry’s wife, standing there,
I know you have to identify her, but you might be able to accomplish this through dialogue. "Mom!" Simon said. "Sweetheart," Henry said. Something like that, rather than telling the reader.

Lasting Impression
What would you think of ending the story without 'never to return again'? Why? Because it takes us out of the immediate moment we've been experiencing. The story was told through Simon's eyes, and he can't see the future. I think most readers will draw the assumption that Simon will never return. Without stating that, you leave a question in the reader's mind, creating intrigue. If character identification occurred, then readers will keep wondering long after they've finished the story.

Sorry, I didn't mean to go on and on like that. It's totally your choice. Keep writing!



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622
622
Review of Birth and Death  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, acorngirl. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
Although the title didn't grab me, I couldn't resist a look into someone else's life. Which is one of the reasons why we write.

The first paragraph sent dread to my heart. Pacing is never a good sign, but it was unspecified. I had to know more. With the mention of one word, you managed to place the story in a precise era. Without the understanding of time, the outcome of the plot wouldn't make sense. So, good job, there!

A few thoughts
A pacing father waiting for a child spread into a more complex character study. Ethan considered his Mary as a touchstone, the one reason he could function in this world. At first, I thought he had a heart condition, but he was referring to how deeply his emotions ran?

I can't stop myself from probing a bit. Why did the Mary not choose a boy's name, as well?

In this world where readers are looking for something quick, you might have heard the term white space. This refers to proper paragraphing, so the story does not appear as one block of text.

The doctor's comment: She never stopped trying--
It almost made me cry.


Lasting Impression
If your intention was to crush me at the conclusion, you succeeded. I can't imagine what will happen to Ethan now. I hope he has someone to reach out to. Poor guy. You made me care for him, and now I'm stuck wondering. Good writing!





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623
623
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Plague. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
Despite your handle, all I see you spreading is great writing. You excelled at working the prompt and the characters you created had me laughing. From your words, I formed the setting in my mind.

A few thoughts
Having a cat sit as the Don is probably the opposite of what others might construe. The owl, known for wisdom, would fit the part of arbitrator, and dogs customarily run the show. This subtle flip of the expected brought this plot to life.

The description of the owl in the first paragraph? A talon-tattooed owl? Original and clever.

Casting Ivan as a street Borzoi gave him the instant reputation of a scraper, in human terms, a threatening presence. Since I'd never heard of this breed, I looked up the definition and saw the various pictures. Due to word limitations, you had only a few to capture the essence of this dog. You worked in the Russian ancestry, so great job there!

The cat, with the cream tail, the least played character was my favorite, but then I'm partial to cats.

Lasting Impression
The pharse 'biscuits is biscuits' probably won't leave my mind for a while. Ivan's last act was hilarious and ooh-so-fitting for his character.

The dialogue/interaction between the three animals was crisp, witty, and sharp. I don't think you needed more words to make this story complete and with such a satisfying conclusion. Great work!





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624
Review of Beyond  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Spacey. Nixie, here. I found your poem here.
"Drama Newsletter (September 30, 2015)"  Congratulations!

Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
As I read this, the thought crossed my mind that the words could be a metaphor for a person imprisoned by making bad choices in life, or trapped because of circumstances. Circumstances, like poverty, are not likely to be overcome. But people have choices, and we're free to choose and choose again. Our thoughts direct our lives.

A few thoughts
Because the narrator talks about forgiveness, the possibility of true incarceration may have been the purpose here. I'm horrified when I imagine my life behind bars, having no control over my life.

One suggestion for aesthetics. The second to last line is off-balance with the other lines. It appears as a finger pointing. One way to keep the poem uniform, is to use enjambment. This means breaking a phrase and carrying it into the next line. For example, you might end the line with atone, and begin another with "for my cruel--"
There are specific rules for using enjambment, this suggestion refers to one example of how to use enjambment.

In the last line, there's a tiny typo. Im > I'm

Lasting Impression
Repeating the thought in the last line to refer back to the first was very effective in wrapping up this piece. With only a few lines, my mind whirled, pondering the possibilities and fretting over the literal interpretation. Nice work!





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625
625
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there. Nixie, here.




Overall Impression
I can't seem to stop laughing. Because it's your anniversary, I tried to find a story without a ribbon, but the title nabbed me, and I fell into the narrative.

Good grief, this narrator was hilarious. I liked the moments of utter confusion that quickly led to okay, I'll go along with that because it was told so reliably. The dusting, the spraying, the lost limbs, all of it was wonderful.

A few thoughts
The feeling of country and good old boys came through naturally, without trying to force dialect down the reader's throat. The mom played a great side character, the so-called sane person in the cast. But she ended up looking like a fussy person who nearly ruined her son's ability to function in life. Take down a person consistently, and never offer a compliment? The recipe for creating a personality disaster. Granddad, both dead and alive saved those boys.

*Thought*
The second paragraph was a bit confusing about what house they were in.
Numbers less than twenty should be spelled out.
Some of the sentences in parentheses went on a bit too long, fostering more confusion when clarity was needed, due to the wonderful absurdity of this story.


Lasting Impression
When the narrator started dating? Great move to bring the plot forward. When he finally finds his girl, she one-ups him? I almost wish that hadn't been the conclusion. Granddad by himself was the best. And I wanted it to stay that way.

Great write, all the way around.



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