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3,240 Public Reviews Given
3,279 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
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Review of Tension  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Rose. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


Overall Impression
It's difficult to respond to emotional pieces like this, not knowing if the work is about the author, or just the general topic of tension. This poem felt personal.

A few thoughts
Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but some of this seems contradictory. In the first stanza, if it's already pulling you tighter, how will you fall apart? The images created are separate. I don't associate tighter with falling apart. But that's just my take.

Wow. Both anger and hatred were fully capitalized. I sensed an enormous amount of anguish. I'll tell you one thing, for sure. You have found the ultimate website for expressing yourself.

I agree with you when it comes to people helping. I don't ask because I know they can't. I liked the 'unhelpful eyes and ears'. The rhyming in that stanza called out to me.

Writing poetry is a personal experience, but capitalizing the first letter in every line is unnecessary if the thought is continuing.

Sorry I'm struggling so, trying to understand your feelings. I can sense me in there. In the last stanza, you must be referring to internal strife. Because, again, the image of tension pulling apart is something new for me to consider. Tension coils. Tension tightens. But in some circumstances, it works the opposite. It pulls apart. I'll have to think on that a bit.

So once this person has been torn asunder, they no longer exist. So how can this person continue to dream?

Lasting Impression
Sorry, sorry, sorry! I'm not attacking your work. Rather, it drew me in and I'm trying to understand. I think you have a knack for expressing your inner feelings. I just need to catch up to you. (I rarely write poetry or prose.)

So, please remember I'm only one person with an opinion. My comments in no way are meant to discourage you. I hope you can sense my intention--to connect with the words.

Keep on writing! WdC is an awesome website to learn and make friends.




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577
Review of Fear  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Rach. Nixie, here





Overall Impression
I think often of fear. I fear my life is fear driven. That's what drew me to this poem. I was looking for an answer, maybe even some pop psychology advice.

A few thoughts
I'm trying not to take this literally, after all, that's the purpose of a poem, to be poetic. But so often feelings are expressed as coming from the heart, it's no longer original. Fear is in the mind.

I'm not taking your work apart, just comparing my feelings. I like living alone, but sometimes that means I'm lonely. It doesn't mean I need someone to complete me. (That's what I took from stanza two.)
The last two lines were a little weak on rhyming.

Again, in stanza three, poetry is abstract, but I still think the words should mean something. What does the rain stand for? Depression? Too much negativity wears a person down? That's when you feel the pain? The second line in the third stanza was gorgeous. Here, I felt poetry speaking. The syllable count is accurate, and the couplet is lovely. The second couplet has an extra syllable count. Taking out (now) in the last line would even it up.

Stanza four, yes. This makes sense to me.

Lasting Impression
I liked how you built on the poem stanza by stanza, adding on fear.

I don't think the colored font added to this presentation. I do think more needed to be said here to cover the topic of fear.

All that aside, these are your thoughts, as you wished them to be expressed. All I'm offering is one person's opinion. No offense intended. I was looking for more. The answer seems to be in the last stanza. Wouldn't it be wonderful if someone had literal 'recipe' for losing fear.

Even FDR's thoughts sounded like a catch phrase.
"Only Thing We Have to Fear is Fear Itself" FDR's first inaugural address.

Now, I fear this review has come to an end. Thanks for sharing such a great write!



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578
578
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Jim. Nixie, here. Thanks for offering me a chance to read and review your work. *Wink*

*StarR*
Overall Impression
Taut, tight tension in this thriller!

Honestly, I stopped breathing as Beth struggled for her life. The panic, the loss, the hope she experienced was powerful and gripping. I fought with her, even as the end approached. I was sure she would live, but remembered the gypsy's prediction.

*StarR*
Plot/Setting/Characters
You chose a dynamic setting and situation. What's not creepy about a one night Halloween cruise? After only three cruises, I refuse to go on anymore. It's too claustrophobic.

I liked the explanation about the origins of Halloween. I was aware of them, but the expansion served to give weight to Beth's worries.

Risky business, introducing four protagonists in an opening scene. By giving each character a 'tell' I was able to keep them straight in my head. I know someone who likes to join in and up the emotional levels in an escalating situation.

Beth provided the 'level head' in warning the others. I agreed with her from the start, based on her back story. I admired her determination in getting the captain's attention. It was kind of creepy that the captain was costumed as the devil.

I felt proud of Kevin for recognizing what was going on, and how easily he fell back to his military skills. (Probably because my son is in the army.) There's something about a military man that draws people to them. An aura of confidence, perhaps. How frustrating that no one paid attention to his warnings!

Outstanding and vivid action scenes brought the story to life. At all times, I could picture in my mind what was happening.

Just to satisfy my curiosity. Kevin was pulled back from the ladder because people were panicking and trying to get away faster?

Click here
Suggestions ▼

*StarR*
Parting thoughts
The last section lapses from dialogue to telling, which is largely unavoidable. But it's a distinct contrast from the earlier sections, creating an unbalanced appearance.

There's not much opportunity for dialogue, but a few areas offer opportunity. Having Beth scream is more powerful than reading the she was screaming. Rather than 'growing frantic' looking for Kevin, I could imagine her calling out his name, and asking the other people if they had seen him, but swiftly giving up to save herself.

For the story to work, she had to survive. Maybe losing seconds hunting for him would have put her own life in more peril. I'm just rambling here. I'd like to think I would check on a loved one before dashing to save myself.

Hope springs eternal, and I had my fingers crossed that someone on the island would notice Beth. Concluding with the gypsy's prediction drew a tight knot to ensure Beth's demise. The survival scenes demonstrated several times when she could have died. Nice work!

When I like a story, I babble. Please ignore anything that doesn't work for you. The story is fine the way it's written. *Checkg*

I have an image of a gypsy woman I'm not using, if you'd like to have it for your story's cover art.

** Image ID #1887901 Unavailable **


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579
Review of The Broken Dream  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, akshay. Nixie, here. I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  Thanks for entering!

Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


I found this a bit confusing. Without the brief description, I wouldn't have understood the story.

Try to grab your readers in the opening paragraph. Many sentences are repetitious. Using a thesaurus will help in finding different words.

In the first paragraph, I thought she was in a car accident. That's what confused me the most. I thought she fell asleep at the wheel and crashed her car. Later, I understood that she fell asleep during the event. Capitalizing Chief Guest seemed unnecessary and distracted me.

cheap nylon saree
soiree

Passive verbs, such as was, slow down a story. Try to keep the story active.
There was sweat on her face, she was relieved that she woke up
Here's a suggestion to illustrate my point.
She wiped sweat from her face and released a sigh of relief.

The tragic conclusion was heartbreaking.

All I'm offering is one reader's reaction. Keep on writing. We always improve with practice. *Wink*






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580
Review of Phoebe's Hope  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there! I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  Thanks for entering!

I think this would be a great story to give the Storyfamily. While keeping current with Phoebe's Facebook page, I can see where all the story elements mimicked Phoebe's illness, and Sarah's pain. It's impossible to read this without experiencing the tragedy.

Her voice sounded like a myriad of tiny bells on the breeze
I think I heard those bells. Great description.

Lots of detail enhanced the effect of the story. Your writing style and the images sketched in my brain kept me entertained throughout.

A story of hope. Nicely done. Congratulations on the first place win!


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581
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Apondia. Nixie, here. ! I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  Thanks for entering!

Cute story. As far as plot/conflict/resolution go, the plot carried a few too many words and lengthy sentences. The conflict, the bear treeing Mom and Beam didn't frighten me. The resolution had me wondering why the husband knew his neighbor owned a bear, and his wife and child did not.

The last sentence was my favorite. A great show of action demonstrating and revealing characters. At that point, I grinned. I wish more places in the story gripped me.

Remember, every time a different character is acting or speaking begin a new paragraph. This would clear up the bumps that took me out of the story. The snafu begins in the first paragraph, the most important place to snag your reader.

I enjoyed Beam thinking to himself because it explained aspects of the mushrooms and the forest I never knew about. Beam seemed so innocent in that paragraph.

Thanks for the read!



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582
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there, Cookson. Nixie, here.

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  Thanks for entering!

Clever manipulation of the prompt! Taken in a literal sense, a story was created to show the scene of mushrooms and characters were added in. Beginning the story with an action scene works to bring the reader into the story.

While the story was inventive, the errors throughout were distracting. Some of the dialogue needs improvement, and there are areas where dialogue would have kept the reader engaged. In the first paragraph, the sentence needs to be make sense in a time frame. Rather than the captain opening the doors, and then looking at the time clock, here's a suggestion for reordering it.

"All the crew okay?" The captain looked the clock on the time vessel. "Drat we weren't supposed to go forward, but not bad for a first try." He opened vessel doors and peered out.

They were woken by the noise,
A few sentences later, They slept under the giant toadstools.
Using past tense in the second sentence would clear up the time order. [They had slept under the giant toadstools.]


‘Quick[] act as one of the props don’t move a muscle.’ Shouted Johnny,
A missing comma distorted the meaning of this sentence. A suggested rewrite for demonstartion.

Jimmy shouted, quick, act as one of the props and don't move a muscle."

I was curious as to how the crew understood that they were hiding in a display of Gulliver's travels. How would they have this information? How would they know about Disney World?

In the conclusion, changing the telling into dialogue would keep the story consistent and more interesting.

I found several other areas that could be tweaked, just simple edits.

Along with the shock of arrival, you challenged the crew with obstacles. Great way to show off your characters by putting them to the test and seeing how they reacted. Choosing to run was the logical action. *Checkg*


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583
583
Review of Hollow Earth  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Old Warrior. Nixie, here. I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  Thanks for entering!

An unusual setting and two central characters kicked off the plot.

Jimmy and Ibbie made a cute pair as they wandered through the vista of Hallow Earth--a visual delight! The rescue of the fairy and the revelation of what Ibbis's seeds could do all fit together.

Try to show emotion, not label it in a dialogue tag.

“Anyone here!” he yelled in a nervous voice, fear and panic was starting to overtake him.
"Anyone here?" he yelled. Now show his fear, anxiety and panic through actions. An emotion thesaurus is a great tool.

I couldn't see this developing into anything other than a dream, or hallucination. Prepared for the eventual let-down, the introduction of the cousins tied this up, and validated Ibbie's and Jimmy's adventures.

Good job!


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584
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there! I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"  Thanks for entering!

The plot confused me because of the verb tense changes, often within sentences. I found the telling of the plot tedious and repetitive. I wanted to connect with at least one of the characters. I would suggest telling the story from one point of view. That way, the reader feels lost in the story world. Make the reader feel the character's emotions, rather than telling or explaining them.

I understand the basic plot. The planet Quinah could not survive without the planet Mellon. Try to make the transferring of materials a direct action, using dialogue between characters. Let them tell the story.

Simply re-writing sentences without using the passive verb [was] would bring this story to life.


I liked the general idea behind the plot. Good thinking!


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585
Review of Coming of Age  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


Overall Impression
With Coming of Age as the title, the reader has a clue as to what the plot might involve. A fact I didn't appreciate until after I read the story. Adding a brief description about the plot would be a good idea.

A few thoughts
Looking at POV. The scarecrow is observing everything described here? The scarecrow knows the girl didn't want to move? Nor did she want to attend her birthday party?

As an opening paragraph, a few less words would tighten the read. Simply saying the pumpkins varied in size and color would be more succinct.

I have to stop and mention one thing. The girl is described as five feet, nine inches. Weighing almost two-hundred pounds makes her hefty, so using the word [only] contradicted my impression. My sister was five feet nine inches and weighed only one-hundred and three pounds.

I liked how the girl was nauseous, and this feeling went away once she had her broom. It emphasizes the girl's uniqueness and the reason she felt so out of place.

I think if you changed this to first person POV and gave the girl a name, the story would involve the reader. Rather than, "It was her sixteenth birthday", you can move this to a personal level.

Some paragraphing is needed, and this spot seems to be a great place to shift focus. You might even consider adding asterisks to denote a change in POV. Let's say her name is Lisa.

It was Lisa's sixteenth birthday and she felt nauseous. The phrase in the next sentence requires some rewording.
as if something off about her.
A simple fix would be to add the word [was] but what an opportunity to take this story from passive telling to action. That way, the reader could identify with the girl and experience her delight when she took flight. (Sorry for the unintentional rhyme.)


Lasting Impression
The last sentence was written in first person POV, which was out of place. Go ahead and let her have POV throughout, if possible. Then she can talk about her situation, rather than telling the story to the reader. People like characters they can sympathize with, and this story would greatly benefit from that perspective.

So what if this story isn't a perfect write? It's a place to begin. Starting with an average rating is not meant to be discouraging. Reviewing and reading will help illustrate more effective story writing. In the meantime, don't give up. Keep on writing. It's the only way we learn.

This is a fantastic story idea for the Halloween season. Try some editing, if that appeals to you. I'm just one reader with an opinion. Feel free to ignore my suggestions. *Wink*





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586
586
Review of Azhan Lake  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, R.H.N. Nixie, here.




Overall Impression
The title seemed innocuous, even if the brief description hinted at danger. With the story defined only as fiction, and no indication of genre (you can probably take out contest entry) there wasn't much to grasp right away.

Excellent opening paragraphs. My mind favors the paranormal genre, so the disembodied voice was curious, but didn't strike me as frightening. Nor did Laura seem overly alarmed. Has this happened to her before?

It took a few reads to unravel this original plot. A few things didn't make sense, and maybe you can help me understand.

If Max works as a news reporter, what was he doing at the lake? Had he gleaned something from Laura and wanted to investigate? It seemed odd that Laura would drive around for hours and never find Max. Of course, for the story to continue, her attempt had to be futile.

Steve appears, waking from a phone call. He recognized Max's voice? That surprised me, but as I read, the pieces came together.

A few thoughts
I didn't want to copy/paste the entire sentence, but I've never heard the chills described uniquely.
whisper that sprinkled grit between the bones of her spine,

Why does Laura have to tell Steve the lake is dangerous? He already know this. I liked his snarky comment about Max. Steve and Laura are married and have the same tasks. I think Steve would know what his wife did.

Little kernels of information were pocketed within Steve's dialogue. In assuming Max worked with Laura at the same job, I nearly missed the impact.

The sentence in the first paragraph beginning with "She had no choice--" was confusing.

Lasting Impression
I liked the name you chose for the lake. I googled it, wondering if it was important to the story. I had to google Progeria, but once I saw the results, the meaning came back to me. Nice tie-in for the story. *Checkg*

Drew's reaction to Laura taking the untested healing rock was curious. Did the rock frighten him? Why was he thankful that Laura took it?

How cruel of the earth protectors to inflict such misery on the human protectors. Why are they at odds? Because humans are destroying the planet?

I apologize for all the questions and if my questions arose from misreading something. Duplicitous lives always make for a good read, and yours was no exception.

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587
587
Review of Daniel's Struggle  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there. Nixie, here.





Overall Impression
What a beautiful story. I think when someone has a person like Daniel in his/her life, it's impossible not to feel blessed. Our actions are selfless, we don't need to shout our dealings for our greater glory, our self-congratulatory acts.

Instead, the focus is on the one suffering and what they bring into our lives, simply by living their own torturous one with dignity and a lighthearted attitude.

A few thoughts
Here and there, some lapses of attention created hiccups. I'll point out a few.

1:30 am. 5:17 am.
1:30 A. M. 5:17 A.M.

This young [] has been
Missing word.

The new family[] for whatever reason[] decided that the--
Commas need to surround a non-essential phrase. After the word 'decided' [that] is an unnecessary word.

that had a life threatening life long disease.
who had a life-threatening, life-long disease.

He has had hip or knee replacement surgery.
Which surgery?

Fully capitalizing words for emphasis is not the standard, and it's distracting. Try using italics for emphasis.

Lasting Impression
This sentence stood out in my mind, summing up Daniel.
He wears it well.

Since you have shared Daniel with your readers, he has become a part of other lives. When we find our circumstances unfair, I hope Daniel's bravery brings light.



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588
588
Review of Tears of Flame  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Rock. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
The title, an oxymoron, drew my attention.

I think every reviewer will be grateful for the explanation in the brief description. This way, you won't be faced with reviews asking for more, wanting an explanation.

A few thoughts
The work presents itself as solid blocks of text. Words that wander around left me puzzled as to the intent. Eventually, I settled on reincarnation. The first few paragraphs made me think of an unborn child, but was described as a man.

To work this out in my own mind, I imagined the man, aware of self, but not yet reborn. The teardrop, at first seeming insignificant, transformed into something stunningly beautiful.

As the man reborn takes on the demon, the plot had a slight twist. Rather than vanquish the presence, his body absorbed it. At the last moment, the head is tossed, indicating preservation of evil.

The description of the boy's wounds seemed random, as there was no further explanation. He bore the marks of the evil entity? Forever? Or will he somehow cast them away?

Lasting Impression
Learning the character's name presented itself as an explanation, a resolution. Apparently, this is where your inspiration fizzled out. Nothing uncommon about that!

My guess it that this boy/man/entity will be born and reborn, but unable to escape his destiny. My only suggestion, since you do not intend to continue this, would be to cut down on the words. As a completely clueless reader, the mystery dragged on.

You have the talent, so keep writing! If this story has ended, begin another, if that's easier than trying to wring more from this one.




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589
589
Review of Gemini surprised  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Gaelic Queen. Nixie, here.




Overall Impression
I liked the unusual setting you chose. Angela had a unique task, but this wasn't the main source of the conflict. The attention of another Gemini baffled her.

A few thoughts
Normally, full capitalization of words is distracting, and that's true here. However, if this is a memo, I can imagine the committee stressing these words to motivate Angela.

“Ugh, it’s time to take a break from this task.” She thought
Use italics to indicate inner dialogue. Since she's not speaking out loud, the quotation marks aren't necessary. If you don't want to use italics, write the words without quotes and use the sentence tag 'she thought'. Make sense?

Because four other words are capitalized, I wondered if this piece was written for a contest, requiring these words be in full caps. If so, consider changing them back and make a notation at the bottom of the work.

Lasting Impression
As far as conflict resolution goes, there isn't much of a conflict. Angela is puzzled. The conclusion meant very little, maybe it helped her to realize the giver could be narrowed down to the people she worked with.

When I read the words 'double life' I thought Angela would have a juicy secret about who she was outside of work. A spy? A mole? A shady second job to help cover her living costs? As it stands, it seems she's only concerned in general, as many of us are, not wanting to reveal too much of our identities to our work mates.

I looked at the date of creation and the last edit. If you wanted to work on this story, I'm thinking you would have already done so. Sometimes a story works for a specific purpose, and the author has no intention of returning. That means you can just ignore the review. *Wink*

I'm preparing myself for the dreaded task of sorting out my portfolio and deleting works that no longer interest me.



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590
590
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, crazy socks. Nixie, here. I read your portfolio page, so I don't have to ask what's so crazy about socks. Your attitude is uplifting and your words speak friendship.

Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


Spacing in any kind of writing (short stories, poems, chapters) impacts the reader. Too little white space and no paragraphing can evoke a negative response. A sparse amount of words widely spaced and scattered across the page is equally discouraging, for me.

It's an odd observation, but the spacing in your poem drew me in. The words caught me totally unaware. In the first line, the concept seemed easy to grasp and maybe a bit trite. Take a big breath and reset.

How wrong could a person be? The poem continued, sending my mind scattering for recognition or a familiar 'touch stone' where I could pinpoint the intention of the words. Line after line, the words kept me engaged and intrigued. When the last line was spoken in my mind, the only choice was to go back and read the work again, and then again twice more. Why?

Not because the work is obtuse, rather the concept has endless depth, caught in seemingly innocent words. Just a few lines, and I can't even begin to explain this 'back to you'. The realization was on the intrinsic level. A knowing.

My only suggestion involves the verb [having]. What you've written is amazing, and the passive verb at the end was a slight let down. Of course you don't have to change a thing. This is your work. For what it's worth, here's a few verbs that came to mind to create a stronger statement. [riding the moon, taking the moon, owning the moon]

Again, these are just suggestions and the poem in no way suffers from the passive verb. When something strikes me, I pass it along to the writer, knowing my words will be taken in the spirit of community.

Excellent work. And a unique write. Don't ever stop.

*RainbowL*A Review from "Simply Positive Review Forum " !*RainbowR*



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591
591
Review of Inspiration  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, CarbonMuse. Nixie, here. Such an interesting handle. I wonder what it means?

Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


I bet nearly every single member of our writing community will relate to this. My inspiration hits after I've shut down my PC for the night, in deep dreams, and in waking dreams. So far, I've had one successful outcome.

The second stanza confused me a bit. If the narrator was awake and laying in bed, staring at the walls makes sense. But the person is already up and awake. I decided the wall equaled a blank document. Then, another thought hit. A song writer, one who escaped my memory, woke in the night and scribbled the lyrics on a wall. I'm merely interpreting the poem, processing it in my mind.

Sleep takes me under way too far to wake from a dream. Nightmares jolt me up, and even if I don't get up, something will be remembered and I jot down what is recalled.

when out of the dark, it returns from it's spite
[its] spite. not the contraction for [it is].

I liked that line because it seemed so unlikely, and the personification worked well. I appreciated the lack of the word muse to indicate what inspires us.

My best writing flowed after midnight, but my schedule changed, forcing me to adapt. Nothing much comes to me before 4 P.M. but around 9 P.M. thoughts are tumbling, similar to what you're describing in the fifth stanza. The words and the characters write the stories for me.

Many times I've wished for the invention of a memory device, something that could capture images while I dream.

Your work was excellent. The rhyming schemes were consistent. In a few places, you deviated from the punctuation dictates. Either none at all, or all consistent. Mostly I saw commas after the first line, and a period after the second. I think the inconsistency was caused by a minor lapse of attention. A simple fix. *Wink*

Look at all the thoughts you evoked from me. I read this and had to respond. That's effective writing!



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592
592
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, Don Two. Nixie, here.


Overall Impression
What a beautiful composition of thoughts and feelings. You almost had me believing in love, but it's really just a word. The concept of love doesn't make much sense to me. Love requires no judgment. Does everyone judge? Or are we simply receiving the person's projection of self? (what they want us to see) Or their own perceptions of self? (what they feel like inside).

A few thoughts
In the second stanza you expressed some of my inner feelings, I'll agree that 'love' can be observed by what appears to be the opposite. I'm with you on the third stanza, although I wouldn't label it as love. The ideas presented here are convincing and dramatic, in a good way. But since we go around saying things like, 'I loved that movie,' or 'I loved your story,' I love my new car' the word is meaningless.

Lasting Impression
I very much like the structure of the poem. The last stanza brought to mind a pyramid, something strong enough to carry the weighty words above it. I'm sorry you see the negativity expressed in your family's thoughts. I hope writing this helped you counterbalance what is twirling you around.

Maybe I don't like labels. I don't even like my name. I think your strongest point here is showing what the concept of love is not. But love, taken as a pure word of pure meaning doesn't work for me. Am I saddened? Not in the least. I love my family, all of my family, and if love exists anywhere, it exists between the bonds we share. I wouldn't say we're all exceptionally close, psychologically or physically, but we're there for each other. I'd be lost without my brothers and kids. My dad is gone. My mom and I are learning how to communicate with each other. I'm certain Mom thinks of it as love, but I think of our relationship as tolerance and respect. I have not been spared 'family shame' but I'm my own person.

Sorry I went on and on. I probably contradicted myself. I guess it's the word I take issue with. Say a word enough times and it means nothing. And I don't mean just one word. Choose any word and say it over and over again. Eventually, it's nonsensical.

So, not to be a total negative person, I celebrate what you wrote. I think it's awesome that someone feels this way.



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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Royal. Nixie, here.


Overall Impression
Honestly, I didn't know who to blame, or which character to side with. The mom was a horrible person, and my first choice for disliking someone. She played the typical moneyed woman who found no woman perfect enough for her son. Her opening salvo, such a ridiculous question, made my head spin. And then a food fight broke out?

A few thoughts
The mother continued her hateful comments, especially the one about never loving her husband. I began wondering if maybe her parents were happy not to witness the outcome of their daughter's upbringing. She was trashier than the bride and the locale.

It's not unusual for wealthy people to wonder about their friends. They don't know for certain if they are treasure for themselves or for their money. I think that's so sad.

This mother was completely off her rocker, and being wealthy did absolutely nothing to help her deportment. For a minute there, when she tore off the bride's hair, I thought a travesty would be uncovered. Maybe the bride was undergoing radiation therapy and the mom would be humiliated. Was the bride simply wearing a wig to hide her own hair?

"Mother, stop. I love Mary, and she loved me.
I think you meant [loves] me.

Remember each character's actions and dialogue should be in its own paragraph.

Lasting Impression
So this really was about a food fight. Like back in high school. I can't figure out why the husband or the bride-to-be was arrested, or who gave the nod that the mom should not be arrested.

What was Mary on trial for? Throwing food? What was she blaming the mom for? I fear the story was mostly lost on me.

Gosh, what an idiot woman, expecting thanks from her son. I hope he takes off and never sees her again.

For the purposes of the title and the venue, the story worked. Other than that, I was puzzled. Perhaps if you identified this as a short story and then chose a genre, that might help. Comedy? Nonsense? Drama?

You did a great job writing highly visual action scenes!



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Review of The Boat Story  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi. Here's another Hydro review from "Invalid Item" purchased by Agape Novels

*Boat2*
Overall Impression
Non-fiction stories often end up being hilarious. Of course, nothing felt humorous about the situation. Like just about everything, hind sight is 20/20.

*Boat2*
Emotional Chord struck
This spontaneous action reminds me of my son. He just goes ahead and does whatever he wants, and his wife is forced to help out. A bunch of my family went together on his boat, and the trailer scene was easily visualized.

I've watched other people do this, and I laughed over the men gesticulating, trying to help you back up.

Is it the boating community itself that jumps to help each other? Everyone has the same interest, and has probably been in similar circumstances.

One time, I was trying to change the headlight in my Z28 aand failing miserably. A neighbor stopped by and helped. It all looked so easy once I saw how it worked. He said someone had shown him, and that was the only reason he knew. Years later, I was able to help another person.

That was awesome when the stranger jumped up, willing to help. Excellent job describing a scene that might have been difficult to show. It wasn't funny, I'm sure, but I couldn't help laughing. I'm happy nothing was damaged, and no one was hurt.

--[my Dad’s old Ford LTD that smoked something terrible.]
Adding the word 'terrible' in this specific manner made me smile. It sounded genuine, not something you were trying to explain for purposes of the story.


*Pencil*
Possible edits
I couldn't help but notice how many times passive verbs told the story. In one paragraph, would appeared three times. I've done the same thing, and only needed someone to point it out for me. I think it's especially difficult to avoid telling when relating a past experience. I ditched mine, rather than rework it. I didn't much like my story, anyway.


*Boat2*
Closing comments
The concluding paragraph seemed almost impossible to be real. But real life is where stories come from. How ironic after all the time that passed to meet someone who had actually been there during the incident. You're probably all linked in one way or another. Keep on writing!


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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi. Here's a review from Your Hydro Package purchased at "Invalid Item"  by Agape Novels

*Boat2*
Overall Impression
The title and brief description are explanatory, but you managed to show the reader the circumstances and drama in a compelling way. I was only moderately disgusted because I was an adjuster for an insurance company. I learned about some horrible on-the-job accidents.

*Boat2*
Emotional Chord struck
You put the reader in the driver's seat for this story. Due the management structure, the way this incident was handled did not surprise me in the least.

It wasn't anyone's fault, other than the crew leader's disinterest causing confusion. A person has to watch hospital soap operas to learn body parts belong in ice. *Laugh*

We like to think we'd act correctly in traumatic instances, but trauma is trauma. Dang those other employees for sympathizing but not offering to help. Even a ride-along associate would have made this easier.

And you looked in the bag. Other than the discord between employees, I wondered why you thought this might be a prank. Was there someone you worked with who might have pulled this off? Sorry! I read into things too much and ask too many questions.

And I can't stop thinking about a "Thumb Drive" rather than the title you chose. That would be an excellent play on words. Gosh, I'm evil.


*Boat2*
Closing comments
One of my favorite parts was the 20 year old Chevy. This vehicle fit right into the image formed in my mind. I could just see someone taking off, thinking the best course of action was to tackle the problem head on.

Gross, *Sick* they had to look for the thumb, but like I've said, I've heard worse and seen pictures. However, nothing compares to actually looking at a detached digit. I bet OSHA was all over that accident.


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Review of Death, Stay Away  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there! I'm here today with a Solar Package review from "Invalid Item"  gifted by Agape Novels

*Sun*
Overall Impression
Death is a topic that's all too easy to fall into. When I was younger, I wanted to die early. Now that I'm older than I ever intended, my wishes are the same. I welcome death. Of course, I've never been on the side of nearly going, and that perhaps might change my attitude.

In every verse, I experienced this person's desire to stay one step ahead of the inevitable. He/she wanted much more from life, even though the what wasn't specifically expressed. I wondered what the themes and schemes were.

Since the person is staggering, I had the feeling that death was winning the race.

*Sun*
A few of my favorite things
What made me pause and think was the narrator saying he had lives to affect. It sounded philosophical and I drew a few conclusions. First, ego. I think he/she meant this in the best possible way, maybe he wanted to help people. It bothered me though, as if he/she had a god complex, thinking his/her life was that important to the ones surrounding him. In another light, I saw this as a positive trait. Maybe he/she wanted to bring happiness, but I still thought 'pretentious' when I read that line.

That's it from Nixie's Psych 101. *Laugh*

*Sun*
Observations
Oh, blah, blah from Nixie. I saw many places where the lines could be shortened to keep the rhythm more consistent and the message more tangible. With poetry, it's not essential to maintain a consistent rhythm, but since this worked in many places, it felt off when the syllable count wasn't even. I'm sure, if you were interested, you could find those places with no help

*Sun*
Parting comments
I felt better about this narrator after reading the final line. For all the plots and schemes, he/she had plans to gracefully surrender when the time came.

Death personified isn't an original approach, but there are just so many themes to write about. You did a great job with this one.



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Review of Taking A Chance  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, pumpkin. Here's a review for your Big Bang package from "Invalid Item" as gifted by Agape Novels

5.05 KB ~ I'm keeping track of the KB's because Joshua wanted people to review two stories of around 25 KB. I only found one long one, so I'm adding reviews of a few shorter ones to make up the difference.

*Lightning*
Overall Impression
Awesome job of immersing the reader into the read by establishing setting/characters and conflict in the first few paragraphs.

*Lightning*
Thoughts
What I liked the most was the consistency of the theme. At all times, I could imagine the characters in their roles. I was especially touched by one small gesture from Randy. He took Ruth's mother's arm and helped her step down. What a sweet and gentlemanly thing to do.

You know, finding a poetry-reading man isn't very likely anywhere I've lived. Randy not only read, but understood poetry. His back story explained everything, and it was presented in a conversation, so no telling.

All the dialogue sounded authentic and advanced the plot.

*Pencil*
Considerations
I don't know why, but there are several spaces between the quotation marks and the beginning of the dialogue. I'm referring to "Good morning, Ma'm" and "Good morning."

“Yes.” He shuffled nervously.
Shuffling feet shows nervousness, so I wouldn't add it to the dialogue tag.

*Lightning*
Parting Comments
Thanks for letting the reader know this was written for a contest. It helps me to review if I know there's a specific reason for the plot. If the contest is over, consider taking that explanation from the brief description and replacing it with a description related to the plot. I would make notation of the contest at the bottom of the story, where you've placed word count.

Thanks for a walk through a western world from a time long ago, when community dances were cause for celebration.

I hope you enjoyed the reviews. It was a pleasure to review them.b


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598
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Pumpkin. Here's a review for your Big Bang package from "Invalid Item"  as gifted by Agape Novels

4.09 KB

*Lightning*
Overall Impression
Wow. Big difference between the last story I reviewed and this one. You made me care for the narrator, partly because I've gone through a similar experience. Great job showing how people want to help, when the grieving person would rather be alone. At first, my mom wanted company, but after a few days, it wore her down.

*Lightning*
Thoughts
In this story, you showed me the narrator's grief through her various, poignant actions. I liked that she grieved, but after the initial shock, she lifted herself from devastated to being able to function.

I also felt how strong the relationship was between them. At first, my dad helped my mom by driving, but as the years went by, my mom had to drive him. Now she has no one. She lives in a retirement community, and the owners run shuttle services for grocery shopping and doctor appointments. I'm so close to this topic, the thought of her husband no longer able to drive her tugged at me.

I've never heard of those four stages of grief. It makes sense, though. I remember going to the grocery store and thinking this was the first time I'd been shopping when my dad wasn't in this world anymore. I had to soldier through a number of firsts.

*Pencil*
Considerations
or if I want to see if the kids want them before I post them for sale.
This is kind of confusing. One possible way to shorten this sentence:
I'd call (or check with) the kids first before donating any of his things. Would she actually sell his belongings? I couldn't do it.

I didn’t have the car key with me.
Confusion. She just pulled his CDs from the console. Didn't she have to use the car keys to unlock the door? If the door was unlocked, why mention the keys at all? I apologize if I misunderstood something.

*Lightning*
Parting Comments
The turning point was the wife listening to the music and realizing that even though their time was over, it had been wonderful. That's what my mom tries to focus on. Her real go-to place is blocking all thoughts of my dad when they come to mind because she can't handle the loss of him. I think it's horrible, but that's how she grieves. Neither of my parents talked about my sister for ten years after she died. It's still a topic to avoid. I find that tragic.

I can't continue writing this because now I have to process my own grief, yet again. Great job engaging me, and making me feel this woman's pain and triumph in her finding some peace. Music is magical.



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Review of The Plain Girl  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Here's a review for your Bit Bang package from "Invalid Item" as gifted by Agape Novels

*Bullet* 34.77 KB

*Lightning*
Overall Impression
I learned quite a bit from the brief description. You told the story you had planned in your mind. A love triangle where the 'homely' girl sets the idiot guy straight. His reaction provokes the 'gorgeous' girl. I'd call this a character study, since mostly what the reader learns is how the characters interact.


*Lightning*
Thoughts
People love to hear success stories
Astute observation!

I think the story could be told in a lot less words. (I didn't feel attached to any of the characters.)

Jeff's focus was mostly on this financial statement. I don't think you need to be explicit every time he talks about it. At least he's concentrating on getting his own life in line, rather than looking for girls while he does it.

It was obvious from the beginning that the plain girl was anything but, and I knew she'd end up with Jeff.

Maybe take notice of how many times you used the word nice, and try to find something that carries more punch. For example, and this is a minor change, describing Jeff's butt as cute rather than nice adds a little more punch.

*Pencil*
Considerations
I picked out a few areas in the story to demonstrate points. As the author, it's your choice to change or leave it the same.
“But dishonesty is his game,” said Dr. Wilson. ["]He lies to women
Just missing the opening quotes.

Show internal thing with italics, not single quotes. No "she thought" is required when you use italics for inner thought. Now, depending on location, punctuation rules operate differently. So, if single quotes are used to show thought, I still don't think you need to add a sentence tag.

*Right* Showing vs. telling.
Merriam slinked away and got to her car as quickly as
slunk not slinked. I can see the strength in this sentence if you ended with "Merriam slunk away." You showed the reader why she left, unnoticed. No need to explain it.

She didn’t go back the following week.
The following week, she avoided the beach. (This is a stronger sentence by taking out the passive verb.) The focus of Jeff changing was strongest on his financials. This was repeated a few times, and I don't think you need to be explicit whenever he talks about it.

She had gotten a new hair cut which brought a lot of
Her new hair style brought lots of compliments. (passive to active.)

She had gotten several texts from Kari, but didn’t answer--
Kira texted several times, but Merriam ignored the messages.


*Lightning*
Parting Comments
Fiction is dynamic and immediate. I'd get a kick out of the Kira trying to slug Jeff. Rather than Jeff telling Merriam what happened.

Turning this toward action by using more dialogue and descriptive scenes would help raise the interest level. Your story reads fine the way you wrote it. We all have styles we're comfortable with. *Wink*


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Review of Dracon  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi there. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
The brief description informed me that this was a WIP. That tidbit helped focus my thoughts as I read through this a few times.

A few thoughts
I appreciate the help in pronouncing names and objects. It's frustrating to read and wonder about how the author intended the words to be 'heard'. I think this would work better if all the pronunciations were situated at the top or bottom so they don't interrupt the read.

Now the things I didn't understand were not explained at all. Here's my impression. First, I thought of a teenager playing games. But the character has Alzheimer's, so maybe he's spent too much time on that couch that bleeds off exhaustion.

a feint laugh even
faint

that box again half bewildered from sleep half bewildered
The repeated half-bewildered confused me.

So, I have to find out what Sub-65 is. I don't know what an Anquar-456 is, but I liked the comment about planned obsolescence. The upgrades are never as good as the original.

Lasting Impression
It took a few reads to figure out that Dracon had walked outside, looking for Issla. But then he's running his hand along his own neck and enjoying it? Does Issla give off a type of energy that's pleasing, or is she an active, artificial participant? He tossed her away.

Confusion reigned in the final paragraph, except for the Death Mouth incident. I can see how these words were altered in the next reality Dracon entered? Just guessing here.

Make sure to begin a new paragraph every time a different character speaks.

Enjoy your story-traveling adventures. Good luck taking this bit to the next level. *Checkg*




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