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3,240 Public Reviews Given
3,279 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
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Review of Peer Pressure  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Baker. Nixie, here.

*Balloonb* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloonb*


Overall Impression
While reading this short piece, I was in my mind saying, tell me what's happening. Can you be more specific than using passive verbs to clue me in? The sentences continued on, and because this was such a short piece, I began to suspect the outcome.

Thoughts/Feelings
Now I understand the cliches and the deliberate avoidance of details. The intent is to allure the reader, making them more and more curious before the big revelation.

In part, this works. I have patience, and I enjoy reading what new authors have penned. I hope other reviewers will feel the same. I have a few suggestions for improvement below. (If you're interested.)

Tell me though, is there seriously a National Donut Day? I might have to make a quick run to the local bakery.

A few thoughts. I would spell out [okay] rather than writing OK.

Also, multiple points of exclamation are not considered the norm for writing.

Expression and feelings should come through the words, not rely on punctuation. For example, you can switch to a scene, somewhere, and describe the delight of eating that which you have forbidden yourself.

If you do something similar, you'll give your reader more context. Maybe you can trim down the dramatics and play up the personal side.

A setting grounds the story. You're giving the reader more than a funny anecdote. You have the knack of writing humor, why not expand on it into a more developed work? It's just a thought.

*Checkb* Oops

just plane cultural
plain cultural

In the last sentence, there's no need to capitalize donut because it is not a proper noun.

Lasting Impression
I'm still laughing. *Laugh*

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527
527
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Fivesizer. Nixie, here.



Overall Impression
I've been spending some time hitting the random review button, and your work came up. Fascinating, because I'm learning more about you through Soundtrackers. Your blog is one of my favorites, so I wasn't surprised to see blogging as your craft.

A few thoughts
For some,the secret to being an accomplished blogger means opening your mind to the world. I always admire your ability to discuss your mental health in a matter-of-fact way, making you more accessible, rather than distancing through stigmas. Although,now, mental health is an open topic. When you write, it's so nonchalant, you might be saying, "Have a nice day", except there's an emotional ping that resounds. I don't have the courage to discuss mental health.

So blogging as an outlet. Yes, and writing too, as you expressed here. Regardless of our health, I think most who write use it as an outlet for emotions.

My craft? Writing, of course, but that can be stressful at times. When my brain is running on jet fuel, my only escape is in tiny tasks. One technique is thinking of every word beginning with A and once I run out, being with the next letter in the alphabet. Hmm. That's more like coping than releasing. During onslaughts, toothpick cleaning, poking into crevices, requires all my focus, subduing mental invaders.

Lasting Impression
Until I read this, I had no idea Mental Health had a specific month dedicated to the topic. It's not something I'm interested in, but it's wonderful that you've discussed it here, for others who might be drawn to it.

I liked the way you emphasized no judgement in what we find as an outlet. Partly what drives people nuts is self-recrimination. As if any outside of ourselves cares what we're doing. Barring self-harm, of course. I sit in my villa and think of the many lives going on around me. Airplanes crossing the sky. Coming or going? What are the people on board thinking? Probably happy thoughts because Florida is a vacation state.

Funny thing, though. I don't know what makes me happy. Engaging with people here, but in moderation, otherwise it becomes a stress factor.
I really wish I'd stop chattering.

Great write, that once again, demonstrates your ability to reach out and make others think. Keep on blogging.


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528
528
Review of Stuck  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Casey. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


Overall Impression
Breathless. That's the one word description for what I felt after reading your work several times. I actually held my breath while reading, wondering and wondering if you were speaking my soul, having the writer's gift to reach others by expressing your own thoughts.

A few thoughts
The first four two word phrases were dramatic and appealing, encouraging me to read on.

I just have to think this through for a second, because something is bothering me and I don't know what. The person is stuck in the box of life with 'no reason to scream or shout'. But a few lines later, the narrator is calling and calling, even knowing no one will answer. Or does it all tie together? There's no reason to scream and shout, as if it has to be justified, but we call out, fruitlessly. Okay, I talked my way through it. Please let me know if I misunderstood what you wrote.

Lasting Impression
I'm drawn to broken and shattered themes. Maybe feeling broken is part of all people, maybe we need to feel broken to justify the dissatisfaction with life we cannot grasp. If everyone else seems to be getting on okay (even though it's only appearances) then something must be wrong with us.

At some point, our oddities and eccentricities define us. With something that sets us apart (even though many people feel the same), we've identified ourselves.

Quick question. Was it your intention to use the word stuck several times?

I liked the overall appearance, or presentation. The length of the phrases wasn't consistent, but this emphasized the theme of being broken and desperate.

Life can put us in a box. Parents can put us in a box. I think the theme you're expressing is universal, yet the way you express it is unique onto you. Great write!




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529
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Kindred Kitty! Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
The first two lines puzzled me. I realized the demon was not really a demon, but a person, however, I didn't understand the part about being covered in souls. This indicates, to me, the demon is real, guilty of stealing more than one soul. But I don't write poetry, so possibly I missed the metaphoric meaning.

A few thoughts
I sensed a contradiction. In the middle of the work, the narrator was agreeing to being molded in whatever fashion the partner fancied. How horribly codependent. The narrator is incapable of being his/her own person?

Later in the poem, the narrator expresses how the partner brings out the best, and allows the him/her to flourish. I'm not sure a person can have both. Either they are confident and the partner compliments that, or the person cannot exist without being someone's puppet. Maybe it's just me, or maybe I'm reading too much into this.

To fine tune, I can imagine a person who lost their joy, and need another to see that. This wouldn't be codependency, many people are 'better' with a certain someone in their lives.

I would suggest you use apostrophes for contractions. This is an easy fix, but it's very distracting.

Youve > You've
Id > I'd (appears twice)
cant > can't

I think adding some spaces to break this down into some stanzas would improve the flow, and also, not present as a solid block of text. We all have our own styles, though. Do what is right for you.

Lasting Impression
Do my observations make sense to you? If not, then feel free to ignore them. *Checkg*

The last line completed the work with a flourish. No consistent rhyme was present, but dreams and streams created a powerful statement.

*RainbowL*A Review from "Simply Positive Review Forum " !*RainbowR*


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530
530
Review of The Seventh Ward  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
I think this is a great beginning to a longer work. You've presented the conflicts and introduced, with eloquence, the solution. I can feel the bravery that will be required when the police strive to bring resolution, or at least an uneasy compromise.

A few thoughts
In the beginning, you mention success along with despair. The work stresses the downfallen, which, I'm guessing, will be the main concern. You might want to consider a brief mention of those who are succeding and what that success means.

The references to smells and sights help orient the reader as to setting. *Checkg*

In this introduction, the reader is prompted to remember a specific era in history. It's interesting, to me, that although these living conditions are not the burdens of the many, the contrast between the rich and poor will never change.

*Note* In the first sentence, [it's] for it is, needs to be [its] to show possession. As written, it reads, "---with success and despair it is inhabitants---" A lapse of attention, easily corrected.

A few errors appear in some places, but since this is only a draft, I won't point them out. Mostly comma errors, which are a common pitfall.

Lasting Impression
Is the Seventh Ward a real place, or a fictional setting for the events that will play out? What exactly is the Seventh Ward? A building? A section of streets?

The only result obtained from googling was a reference to The Seventh Ward in New Orleans. I don't think there's any conflict here, I like the title of your story.

The last sentence gives the reader incentive to continue on with the story. I would like to read more chapters. So keep writing!



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531
531
Review of TBD: The Plane  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi, Stephanie! Nixie, here.

Overall Impression
It wasn't easy finding items in your portfolio to review. The folders were empty. I was happy to finally snatch a short story, but after reading it, I kinda wish I had not. Which is bad for me, but awesome for you. Because you made me feel something I didn't want to.

Thoughts
What a dynamite opening to the story. Something about the plane cutting across the sky snagged my attention. The woman's thought contrasted sharply with my initial reaction, which piqued my curiosity.

My son is currently transitioning out from the army, and I'm lucky to have him in relatively one piece. Iraq nearly destroyed him, mind, body, and soul. But his life was spared. More or less.

That's why it was easy for me to relate to the story, even though I didn't want to. At first, I wondered who the he was, guessing maybe a baby coming from a country where adoptions are easier. Nothing in the story gave any clues until the occupants deplaned. Then the meaning was oh so very clear.

In closing
In retrospect, the hints were there. The woman crying, the man with the teary-eyed sigh. Not identifying them as parents kept the reader wondering.

It looks like this story could use some cleaning up. I can see how much has changed, as far as membership and content, as WdC progressed through the years. Apparently, kelly1202 is no longer a member, and the contest is no longer a valid item. I'm pointing this out because I think it detracts from the overall presentation of the story.

Excellent story, told in very few words. That's quite an accomplishment!

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532
Review of Fleeting  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi there. Nixie, here.

Overall Impression
I read this story a few days ago, but didn't have enough time to review it. Also, it's a story to contemplate, so the found time made the reading even better.

Thoughts
Great job showing so much happening when really nothing was happening. In a good way. Through the dialogue, the reader picks up on the undercurrent, but I didn't know who to agree with, at first. When a wife is defensive, it's never a good sign. And, Butch with his surly attitude? Mean dude, that one.

I liked the description of the grandmother's house. It added depth to the story and helped create the scene. My grandmother had a collection of over 100 elephants on display. I enjoyed falling back into that memory, so thank you.

Without risking spoilers, I'll simply say what a remarkable job you did expanding on the conflict. And then, wham. Butch 'arrives' and the reader is hit with the 'oh no, isn't the author clever' moment. Nicely done.

In closing
Excellent character name choices! Zuri is unusual, and perhaps indicates a hint of her heritage. Although my Uncle Butch was my favorite uncle, the name Butch, in this story, along with his dialogue, is indicative of his nature.

Excellent write! I hope your anniversary month was wonderful!

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533
533
Review of Chapter One  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Spotlight on YA Raid!

I think you hit your mark in the last sentence. I didn't see that coming, so good work there. *Thumbsup*

A few things to consider. Most doors are brown and made from wood, so unless the door is unique in some way, no need to describe what the reader can easily see in their minds. A door is a door.

Writers resist the temptation to use a mirror to describe a character. Now, if the character was someone unique or different from the expected, maybe a hint. But to look in a mirror and have the guy describe himself isn't all that interesting.

Description can always be worked in through other characters observations.

In the first paragraph, you began in the past tense, so [I knew that the time has come] needs to be [the time had come]

I think it's remarkable a man in his twenties still lives with his mom, so this might be something important to work in. The police can ask questions to reveal the narrator.

The last sentence could be restructured.
Over my mom's shoulders, I saw two police officers.

Try to avoid adverbs by finding a stronger verb. If he's yelling, how can his voice be shaky? Next, he's walking shakily down the stairs. Check a thesaurus for choicer verbs. I try not to use the first verb that comes to mind.

It seems like the plot involves a son who is in trouble with the law, and I can imagine many ways you can run with that.

I'm not trying to be critical. Just offering my opinion. If no one brought my mistakes to mind, I never would have learned how to help the next person. Keep writing!


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534
534
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Spotlight on YA Raid! Hi, Old Warrior. I've seen chapters of this novel here and there, but this is my first time to stumble across the beginning while perusing the YA genre.

*Castle*
Wow, this was a well-written and entertaining read. Analia is a character I latched on to from the very beginning, and my admiration for her grew as the plot unfolded. Good girl, taking on those horrible boys, and discovering the prince in the process.

*CastleGr*
The story began in the present and lapsed to the somewhat sedate past. Other than being accused and ousted, Analia's trip to find her uncle was unremarkable. Sort of a let down after the rousing introduction. But I understand why you chose to write it this way, and the action came back swiftly enough so the plot didn't drag.

*Dragon*
I just knew that white dragon would choose her, having forgotten the beginning. You allowed me to fall into this fantasy world and relax in the relative peace of Analia and the dragons. I liked the way the plot slowed a bit here, after the excitement with the squires. Excellent job describing the scene and the stink. Yuck. It seemed Analia belonged right where she should be.

Excellent name choice, by the way. So many overlook this opportunity to reveal some of their characters through names.

*Idea*A few lapses of attention. Suggestions in brackets.
--several young men on the exercise ground who [was] obviously bullying --
[were]

At first the boys did not take her serious[],
[seriously]

the others braced for a [serious] fight.
This sentence falls on the heels of the prior. You might want to choose another word to avoid the repetition of [serious].

I saw the entire matter from the very beginning from my chamber window
For some odd reason, the word [from] appearing twice jostled me a bit. I whipped up a possible edit. Just thinking...
I watched it all transpire from my chamber window.

“Come along[] Ana
“Come along [,] Ana

“Prince Robert[] you’d best have the
[,]

In the end, Ana, Prince Robert and the dragon wind up alone in the cave. She can't return to her uncle? Does she have to protect the prince from the bad guys? And now they are her enemy, as well. I think the prince and Ana will be delightful characters to carry the plot forward. Nice work!

I suggest you put the links for following chapters at the end of each successive. Make it easy for the reader to fall into the next chapter. *Wink*

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535
535
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Spotlight on YA Raid! Hi, Maryann. I knew you wrote YA stories, so I was pleased to come across it in the search of the genre.

*Earth*
I loved the chatty feeling of this letter to a favorite cousin. Immediately, I felt elated and ready to adventure. The plot unrolled, showing how the kids had to learn to walk. I guess they're not bipedal, but there wasn't a description of how they appeared on their home world.

*Earth*
Excellent job capturing the sights and sounds of the newly initiated to earth. One thing confused me. They were off the ship and investigating, but then a few paragraphs later, the teacher drove the jeep out of the ship's hatch. Did I misunderstand something?

An ice cream shop is something common to us humans, and I enjoyed reading about it from a non-human. Oh my goodness. Five is a code word? Too funny, and so appropriate coming from an inquisitive teen.

*Earth*
Who thought someone might have trouble with a spoon? Makes perfect sense to Terra inhabitants. clever to orient Carla by mentioning the earth artifact, a shovel. This showed more of the discrepancy, but for both human readers and Carla, we understood the structure. And I hope we leave something more interesting than a shovel for artifacts. But it makes sense that a metal object would survive the elements. *Checkg*

Ooh, I know what that feeling of eating something too cold feels like. I shivered when I read that part.

*Earth*
It was enjoyable to imagine this gang wandering around on earth, finding pleasure in the smallest of things. You kept the dialogue consistent with a teenager level of speaking.

Wow! I just looked up and saw you have 58 reviews for this story. Way to go, Maryann! I guess everyone liked it the same as me.



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536
536
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Spotlight on YA Raid! I'm not one to pass up a story involving a stone, so I dove right in to the plot.

Plot/Setting
The story begins in the middle of the plot, at least that's what it felt like. Zera and Wret apparently know each other, and have had previous encounters in the past. Was she in wolf form when the attack began? Wret rests her back, using her hair as a pillow, so she must be human. Did she revert to to human before her sons arrived? Are her sons wolves? These questions sort of distracted me from the plot. I wanted to understand what was happening.

*Idea*A little tweaking
She felt its weight, and immediately felt nausea seat itself in her stomach, and dizziness encompass her head.
Try not to distance the reader with words like [felt]. Make the action immediate. For example,
The weight settled on her chest, and nausea settled in her stomach. Dizziness overcame her.

Her eyes opened to her son[]s face.
son's

He began to check Zeras face,
Zera's

She voluntarily closed her eyes, attempting--
Avoid adverbs. Voluntarily is unnecessary.

her hand grasping lazily
Death to adverbs. Also, grasp implies force, not slackness. Is she grasping it, or reaching out for it?

And felt the nausea fall over her again.
You can end the prior sentence with a period if you want to keep the [and] capitalized.

Unn carefully lifted his mother into an almost sitting position.
You'll probably hear this from a few other reviewers. Death to another adverb. Avoid them by choosing stronger verbs. In this sentence, I suggest something like [eased her into]

with Unn supporting the taller woman as best he could.
Unn is the son, right? [Supporting the taller]woman confused me. Isn't he helping his mom stand?

In the end, Zera mentions going back to the pack. What am I missing? Are they human or wolves?

I'm anxious to see how the stone comes into play. Is it weakening her or strengthening her? Wret hands it over like a Talisman, but Zera's reaction seemed negative. I can sense a fascinating plot building up.



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537
537
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Spotlight on YA Raid!

And:

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


*Baretree3* What an odd beginning with contrasts, and bewilderment on my part. It sounded like a current time period, but then what were the scrolls doing there?

Another perplexity concerning Kat plagued me as the plot unfolded. I wondered if Kat was human? It seemed the perceptual changes indicated she was unfamiliar with people.

Whoever that boy was she ran into will most likely be her companion throughout the tale. Correct?

When Kat's perceptions change and she sees people differently, is that the way they 'really' look, or does she only see what her mind has framed? Will they appear differently if she changes her perception of them? Very interesting concept.

Great job weaving in the back story to explain to the reader what these changes mean. Using her dad as the vehicle to advance the description seemed more poignant than if the mom had been chosen to play that role. Maybe because my dad died two years ago. Anyhow, I thought it was a nice touch. Tender and slightly vulnerable.

I liked that her parents didn't freak when she didn't develop as quickly as others. The significance of her having an open mind puzzled me, but while I'm typing, comprehension dawns. Such subtlety in this story made it stand out from other plots.

Later in the story, the reader learns more about the scrolls, also a clever idea.

The chip in the arm may not be so far in our future. We're already chipping our pets. By the way, the name of the dog? Another brush of creativity that stood out.

*Idea*A few edits indicated with brackets

[I] means no mess to deal with,
[It]

Either way, the paper never actual[] moves,
actual[ly]

A charm that not only bring[] her luck, but take[] it from those around her.
[brings] [takes]

I reluctantly look up from my story to the door.
Since the previous sentence tells the reader Kat is reading a book, repeating it is unnecessary. You might want to reconsider using an adverb [reluctantly] to describe her looking up.
Someone might write: She dragged her eyes from the page--

which [feel] like an eternity,
[feels]

The relationship between the dad and Kat was heartwarming. They seemed comfortable with each other, so the dad's announcement was a huge shock. Nicely done!

I wonder if the book Kat was reading will become part of the plot. Will Kat find a charm, or something similar as she ages? She's an intriguing character who captured my heart when her friends referred to her as a glitch. You already have me invested in your characters. Excellent writing with only a few hiccups. *Checkg*

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538
Review of Broken Glass  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi W0lfgirl. Nixie, here.

*Balloonb* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloonb*


Overall Impression
I liked the title of this work, possibly because I tend to lean towards the broken and the crushed. The brief description interested me, and I began to read.

Thoughts/Feelings
Without the brief description, there's not much of interest here for the reader. Partly because the work needs some very basic editing, like paragraphing and correct comma usage. I'm not an editor, and rarely give advice on commas, those tricky little curves drive me to distraction.

Remember, when a different character enters the scene, begin a new paragraph. When the characters shift, begin new paragraphs. Each character's paragraph should contain their specific thoughts/dialogue/and actions.

Who is the main character here? Nate? Lucas? Or someone's sister? Whoever it is, think about the action described in the first paragraph. Great opening for your story, but I think the person needs to set the suitcase down before laying on the bed. Or was the suitcase on the bed with the person?

Here's one example of a misplaced comma
I came back to reality when, I heard a knock on my door
no comma needed

*Idea*
a beanie covering his messy dirty blonde hair.
Something to think about. How can the narrator see his hair if it's covered up?

I looked down at what [i'm] wearing
I'm
Also, this is a run-on sentence. Try breaking it into smaller chunks.

The first sentence in the second paragraph totally confused me. I think rephrasing this by not interjecting the parenthetical phrase would help clear this up.

The ending sentence of that paragraph had a wonderfully funny parenthetical phrase. I'd keep that, for sure, but maybe just use a comma rather than parentheses. The way it's written, the period should be after the phrase. (or maybe it was the floor).

Lasting Impression
I sense a lot of attitude between these two, and that always livens up a story. Once the basic mistakes are corrected, this will make more sense. It sounds to me like these characters are keepers.


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539
539
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Rex! Nixie, here. *Smile*

*Balloonb* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloonb*


Overall Impression
Very clever use of the prompt words. I would have been at a loss. The meaning of the title became clear after I read the story, and I was grinning again.

Thoughts/Feelings
Great job establishing your character and demonstrating his quirks. The underlying humor was well done, giving the reader a plausible back story, which moved the plot forward.

Uncle Henry's appearance was ridiculous, in a good way. I was picturing the man you described in my mind. And laughing, again, this time at the absurdity. It prepared me for the zaniness of the unfolding plot.

I had to look up vasovagal syncope. This might have distracted the reader, the general advice is to write in the simplest words, but I liked what you choose. It gave the story an added degree of 'depth' if that makes any sense to you. I laughed when I read the meaning of the word. And I wondered how you thought of something obtuse, yet meaningful. Unless I'm the only one who didn't recognize the diagnosis.

Donny expressed the one thing that puzzled me. How was he going to get back home? Without addressing this, the plot wouldn't be whole. Instead, you took Donny's conflict and applied the solution at the conclusion. Although, how was Linda getting home?

Each animal had a distinguishing ailment, paralleling the story Wizard of Oz. Lyon's glee came from a simple visual distortion. Maybe it was unintentional, but it had me thinking about how our thoughts and perceptions color our world. Crow's world changed because he changed his thoughts.

*Idea* A few thoughts
I'm normally opposed to using full capitalization of any words, but in this instance it didn't bother me. But I'd recommend against using the multiple exclamation marks. One perhaps, when following a single word, like NO!

About adverbs. Avoid them at all costs. Choose a stronger verb. In the instance of Lyon "timidly followed" I can't think of another way to show this, given the sentence structure. Later in the story, Lyon "timidly pecked at this at his Blizzard". Suggest finding another way to show his actions.

An easy way to spot adverbs is to look for any words ending in (ly).
Avoid using the word suddenly, as nothing in fiction happens suddenly. Some authors use 'just then' as an alternative.

Lasting Impression
Great work, here, twisting a traditional story into something new. *Checkg*

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540
540
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Paramedic. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


I read this accounting weeks ago, but had to put it aside before I could compose a review in response to this work. The true story created in me a mix of tumbled emotions, ranging from anger, to joy, to fear, and, in the end, acceptance.

Perhaps the rural place where you lived formed your disastrous hospital stay. I've been in the ICU, and the children's beds do look like cages. Some children never had visitors and were mostly neglected by the nurses. As far as reaching out to them as a surrogate mom? I did my best, but most of my attention had to be focused on my own daughter. If I engaged with a child, they were so starved for affection that I couldn't possibly have met their needs.

I asked the nurses why the parents neglected the child. They had no answer. I remember the baby who never stopped crying because his mother was a coke addict, and the baby craved that drug.

That section brought forth all of my memories. It's still difficult to accept the treatment you endured, and the actions of the staff. It was beyond my comprehension why visitation was so restricted. But you survived and chose a career to foster others.

Friends show up in the strangest of places. From the moment that paragraph began, I knew you'd find companionship with the woman, and you would be with her when she died. Although sad, the story was beautiful. I've known some women like her, and they are an inspiration. *Note* I'm not sure if the repetition was intentional, but twice in that paragraph, the sentence about her painting with words appeared.

Just a thought. I was surprised the last sentence ended with an exclamation point. I found the moment bittersweet and poignant. It made perfect sense to me. But I didn't feel exalted.

The next section had little effect on me. I'm not sure what that says about who I am as a person. From the beginning, it was clear the baby would not survive. Your instincts were right. Although many would struggle to revive the baby, it was the mother who needed special attention. *Note* The exclamation point didn't make sense to me in this paragraph, either.

Some simple editing would improve this piece. Commas, for whatever reason, are difficult to place. Perhaps you can find an online reference where commas are explained. Once you've learned where they belong, it only takes practice to keep them in line. I struggle with commas, so I don't advise others.

I gained some insight while reading. It never occurred to me that shocking a stopped heart is ridiculous. I think medical soap operas can be blamed to some degree because scenes often include shocking a stopped heart. I should have been aware of this, because my dad had an internal defibrillator. But even my mom thought the purpose was to restart his heart. Or maybe I'm not correctly remembering.

Excellent job bringing this section of the book to a close. It's one thing to instinctively know some instances have to be put to rest away from everyone. But to read about a person actually struggling through the tragic death of the baby was an entirely different experience.

Good luck with your book. You'll need to find a good editor, though. *Wink* Everyone needs at least a second pair of eyes, and that's one reason why so many are drawn to this website. And, we're a friendly, supportive community.




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Review of Silvermoons Dip  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi, writerO!


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


The unique title of this work, despite the incorrect capitalization, drew my attention. It took only a few sentences before I was completely at a loss as to meaning or intent.

As a guess, Charlotte and Johnny are companions who disturb a being called a grumbleforth, and this leads to Charlotte producing a staff. With her words of incantation, her true identity is revealed.

What hung me up? The overwhelming grammatical and spelling mistakes. The commas seem to be randomly placed, which makes the read nearly intelligible. Proper names need to be capitalized. A new paragraph is required every time the dialogue switches between characters.

It seems the plot is clear in your mind, it's the delivery or presentation that baffles. The mistakes can be easily corrected with proper paragraphing and by applying all basic writing skills.

You have a story to tell, one that might be compelling. Make it easy for your reader to comprehend. And keep on working. Continue writing.

*Checkg* Reading and reviewing others' work will help build skills and demonstrate story craft. *Wink*


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Review of Riskai  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
HiTellNIN!

*Balloonb* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloonb*


*Baretree3*
The Hook
The title and brief description constitute your first chance to entice a reader. This one is lacking in confidence, which will dissuade some. Decide what the main theme is. Use this as your brief description, adding WIP or (work in progress). Be confident in your approaches. You'll learn from readers if you do or do not have a plot worth pursuing. We all have opinions. Yours is the final determination.

*Baretree3*
A closer look
Having said all that, I can see why you're hesitant. Still, don't fall back on that wishy-washy brief description.

What you've written sounded like a disorganized cluster of thoughts for a possible story. Nothing wrong with that approach. I often write out story elements, but only in my personal files. Writers cultivate ideas from various sources. Should you use what you have here? I would ask how dedicated are you to fleshing this out. Do you like creating character sheets, or breaking down plot lines? This might help you when expanding the story. What happened first? Who are these characters? Rather than tell the reader about the war, let them learn about it through your characters. Avoid interjecting authorial comments, and correct simple grammatical and spelling errors.

*Baretree3*
A closed book=lasting impression
Honestly, I was confused after reading this. But I also sensed you had a purpose behind the words. My favorite part was the last sentence. If it was more specific, the sentence would make a terrific opening.

I sensed plots and sub-plots all jumbled together. As a suggestion, begin your story at the beginning, in Duskshelter. *Checkg*
And keep writing!


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Review of Broken World  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi!

*Balloonb* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloonb*


Overall Impression
The details of what the reader is about to absorb was explained in the first paragraph. Great idea for preparing the reader and putting them in the right frame of mind to focus on the topic.

Thoughts/Feelings
The article was organized and broken into sections for easier consumption. While the reader may not agree with your opinion, you've stated your case and backed it up with documentation.

I've long considered how this world is broken, fragmented, and ruined by humans. The several reasons require an in-depth study, and after looking at your portfolio, it appears this is what you're working on.

No one talks about 9/11 in any other terms than a terrorist attack. I rarely mention this, out of respect for the people who died, and their surviving relatives and friends. However, the evidence I have studied documents the unlikeliness that we were attacked. I'll say no more.

I got your point about not donating cans of food. You're right. It is the first instinct. Sometimes I wonder. Is a monetary donation actually funding the organization, or is the money diverted to other administrative funds?

Lasting Impression
I am aware of all the facts presented here, but this article would be helpful to others, who might be willing to listen. And that's the key. People have their own opinions and often cannot hear anything other than what they believe.

For those who do not know, you might consider spelling out the words for the acronym TSA.

I admire you dedication to the task at hand, but the fixes suggested here sounded over-simplified. Although money is always an issue, it's not the whole answer. Honestly, I don't think any of what we've created can be 'fixed'. We've carried on for too long believing in the myth of money, and the abuse we wreak upon our own world.

It's wonderful to see a writer trying to explain the problems we're dealing with and offering solutions, not just ranting.

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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
The Nutcracker Soldiers are marching toward you
to celebrate our "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Member to Member December Raid Review.

** Image ID #1965196 Unavailable **


*CandyCaneR* The draw
I found your name here "Invalid Item"  and wanted to drop off a celebratory review. And I simply cannot resist anything that mentions science fiction. I'm never quite sure if I'm writing science fiction, paranormal, or supernatural.

Your outline reminded me how science fiction is written.

*CandycaneR* The awe
You showed the reader what should be what in an easy-reading format. Setting the stage will help the reader focus and begin to formulate how the plot will unfold. The suggestions require quite a bit of thinking.

I really liked the part about the planet itself. It is important to research what plants might survive in the elements that have been constructed. In one of my stories, a plant has crystalline leaves that when plucked taste fruity and somewhat sweet. Simple things often make the story interesting. My protagonists were waiting in line to enter a restaurant. Characters should never be standing still, so the plant created some action in an otherwise dull scene.

Along with the atmosphere, your suggestion about the terrain is spot on. Sometimes I use a terrain that is impossible for one of the characters to tolerate, creating conflict.

I never thought much about weather and laughed at your reminder not to kill the characters. Allowing characters to have defining quirks helps the reader identify with them. Even if they are not humanoid, they can have similar emotions common to humans.

Names? Not all writers appreciate the importance of this. A name can create an instant reaction. For example, the simple name Khan strikes fear.

*Question* The only section that confused me was the language one. I've never actually developed a specific one, but slip phrases and odd words into the dialogue. Usually a few. I think that's what you mean by keeping the words short.

An entire language? To me, that sounds like too much unnecessary work. To each his own, though.

*CandycaneR* The shock
Not to emphasize your age, but I was surprised to note how old you are. This outline would be impressive for any writer, but extremely thoughtful and comprehensive for a younger one.

*Candycaner* The overall
I think your outline would help when writing in any genre, just not with the specifics presented here. All of the headings need to be addressed.

Outlines make sense, especially when tackling a longer work. I don't use outlines for anything. I let the characters and the words take control. I write best when not thinking.

Great work here that will help many readers!

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*




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Review of Origin (Updated)  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi tonyAwesome! Nixie, here


*Balloonb* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloonb*


Initial Impression
Once I read your portfolio comments, the story made more sense. It opened with the telling of a back story. In the first part, I missed the point. In this story world, the extremely unlikely chance that one person can travel between dimensions prevents others from trying by using technology? And this creates balance?

Thoughts/Feelings
Because I'm not a fan of fantasy the appearance of Merlin was both disappointing and mundane. The good thing is, people can relate to that character, creating an instant connection.

Excellent job showing the reasoning behind Andrew's attacks. Malicious and cruel as they were, Andrew drew satisfaction from destroying others. That's one angry man. Showing the villain's vulnerability saves him/her from being utterly despicable to the reader. All you need is a woman to show him the uselessness of his power.

Once you finish establishing back story, I suggest beginning a new paragraph beginning with "Drake was in a lecture--"

He regretted this wish later.
To me, this is authorial intrusion. Drake shouldn't know, at this point, he would regret.

Perhaps consider reformatting to keep a character's actions and dialogue in the same paragraph. In my demonstration, I removed the unnecessary word [that].
"Hello, young man," he said. It surprised Drake that they spoke the same language.
"Where am I", he asked.
"Hello, young man," he said.
It surprised Drake they spoke the same language. "Where am I?" he asked.

*Note* Keep punctuation inside quotation marks.

A lapse of attention
like the people wanted, [in] [he]? found another dimension with the same technology.

Lasting Impression
I won't say much more, because you're writing for a gaming world, so story craft is probably not your ultimate goal. But you might hear from other reviewers that your work is telling a story, not showing.

Also, it would be a simple fix to add some paragraphing to prevent the words from running into each other. This creates more white space which attracts readers.

The story world seems credible enough. You established how a person could travel dimensions. Now, all Drake needs is a side-kick to banter with.

I wondered why you included the note. Are you telling the reader the story ends here? If so, that's a great idea. Members will know you don't intend to write more for this plot.


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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi

*Balloonb* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloonb*


Overall Impression
What this reads like is an outline or first draft of a story you're writing. The plot was confusing. Is there a chapter that comes before this? Because in the beginning, John and Travis are still looking. When did they start looking?

As the plot unrolls
Travis and John are in a cave, walking down a hall with doors? How is this possible in a cave?

No action shows them discovering the cane. Show the reader how they discovered it. Use this for all the action.

The characters are kings, demons, wizards, pirates and humans? That's quite a combination.

A few words could use some polishing for a more professional read. Here's a few examples.
super bad wound
The pirate yells super loud - shouts
When he arrives towards him - towards him is not necessary.
John comes and starts swing his sword John advances, swinging [brandishing] his sword. Brandishing is a stronger more vivid verb.

The story, as written, reads like this. I'm demonstrating action through dialogue, not telling the reader.

Travis tells the little boy to go to the hospital by himself so he can take care of the pirate.
"I have to take care of the pirate. You'll have to go by yourself," Travis said to the boy.

The story needs extensive editing. Telling the reader that
Feeling exhausted and being in pain is not something thatâs helping him.
Show the reader what this looks like. Is the character staggering or out of breath? What does [feeling exhausting] look like?

Quite a bit of work is required to correct punctuation.

Lasting Impression
I think there's a formatting issue when a writer drags and drops a document. I could be wrong, but when I tried the drag an drop option and my quotation marks turned into what I saw throughout the story.
âThank godâ

I apologize if this review sounds harsh. I'm trying to show you basic story craft. Sort out the plot in your head. Ask yourself, how was everyone in the cave destroyed? Who did the destroying? How did any of this happen? The reader needs more information to make sense of the plot. They need a story world to dream in.

My intent is not to discourage you. To improve our writing, we have to keep writing. So don't stop. Okay?



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547
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Amanda. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
I can't disagree with anything you've presented here. The essay is comprehensive, and, although the topic is sensitive, there is nothing offensive written here. Other than those taking exception for personal reasons.

What happened to Dr. Kevorkian was a tragedy. I remember being horrified when they deemed his acts illegal. Everyone has the right to their own lives. But we're controlled in many aspects, seat belt laws, no smoking laws, no solicited sex . . . on and on the list goes. Society deciding for the individual.

My sister was only 30 when diagnosed with acute onset leukemia. After nineteen months, the battle was lost, yet she lived. The doctor consulted the family, and we agreed. He gave her a little extra pain killer to release her from the agony. My brother said she smiled as she let go. For him, it was almost a sacred moment. (Not in a religious way.)

Sorry, I didn't mean to go into all that.

A few thoughts
My only suggestion would be to break up the first paragraph, lessening the effect of such a large block of text. My question is in regards to this woman. Is she someone you know? A case study you've read? She remains anonymous, and this must be your choice.

Lasting Impression
Had my dad not signed a DNR the afternoon before he passed in his sleep, the doctor would have been legally bound to restart his heart and keep it pumping. I can't imagine a worse fate for my dad.

You excel at this type of writing, which makes sense after reading your portfolio introduction. You certainly don't need my encouragement to keep on writing, which is something I often do for new members. You're already successful in your endeavors.




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548
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Hedoren BD Mitchell. Nixie, here.




Overall Impression
After reading this creation myth, I spent most of my reviewing time trying to track down the origin of this myth because I was uncertain if the myth was a creation from your mind, or something that already existed. My conclusion, although this sounds like a workable myth some believe, you've constructed this from your mind. What an imagination!

A few thoughts
I could still be wrong about the origin, and what's making the decision difficult is the explanation, in italics, of how some respect the Light. But I googled every single word about this myth and came up with nothing.

I'll take it back a notch and read for pleasure. Feel free to correct me. The first few sentences mesmerized me. The simple fact that energy cannot be destroyed is poetically expressed. The words flow together. At times the sentences are one or two words. In other places, the sentences run longish which created more interest.

I liked the way darkness saw itself, because really, there's nothing to fear in the absence of light. And Light felt overburdened by all it must accomplish, until the realization.

Lasting Impression
My biggest concern is offending you in some way by misinterpreting your work. Again, because of what is written in italics. It seems this has to be a real origin myth.

Okay, I'm done trying to puzzle this out. I'm staying with my first impression. A lovely read that interested and oddly calmed me.



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549
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, A. Sparrow. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
From the beginning, I was drawn into the story. Partly because I like kids in general, but these kids carried forward an engaging plot. I loved them for their interests expressed in the first paragraph, and the Asian mom tearing up added one more bit of glimmer.

The story reads like fiction, so I was surprised to learn the story was non-fiction. You might want to choose non-fiction for a main category, unless this is fictionalized non-fiction. That's a lot of fiction going around. *Pthb*

A few thoughts
Great job showing your characters without telling. Bits of Ruby's personality delighted me when I read "No unabashed singing." I would love to meet her. We saw 'all of her' when the family had to leave a description with the front desk. (What's a code Adam?)

Drawing the finer point of skipping to the verb frolicking delighted me. Excellent verb choices.

A few thoughts. As the standard, no words in fiction are presented in full capitals. The usage detracted from the story.

Also, human beings can't growl dialogue. I know it's tempting to add that bit of description, but sticking to he said/she said is the accepted standard. Show emotion through actions. (Like the sister pulling out her hair.)

I thought that hair-pulling sounded a bit fantastical, but later you mentioned a head with bald spots. The carry-through didn't necessarily authenticate the image, but I appreciated how you tied the knot of perception.

Lasting Impression
After reading the first sentence of the last paragraph, I felt let down. That was until I read what the lesson was. Oh, much too funny. Great write, fiction or fictionalized. Keep writing!





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Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Sandra Lynn. Nixie, here.




Overall Impression
Very inventive story considering the given prompts. And the title? *Laugh* The next word would have been goose, and I thought it was funny that you incorporated that into the plot. A little extra something I can't define. Perhaps attention to detail, or wringing everything a writer can from a story. Whatever the reason, I took note and liked it.

A few thoughts
For a dialogue only story, the setting was crystal clear. The gender of the character wasn't revealed, but that didn't detract from the story. I had the feeling the narrator was a guy.

More things I liked. Some may call it repetition, but again, I laughed at the fall rattling the narrator, and in the next line, the doctor used the same word applied to the duck.

The entire piece is cleverly composed banter that kept me engaged. I probably would have freaked out if a duck came into my house. Gosh, what would a person do to get it out? The narrator had some good ideas.

The only sentence that puzzled me was the teapot breaking the narrator's skin. I thought he had a lump on the head. The broken skin would be obvious. Unless the teapot hit a rubber molding around the door, I can't figure out how it would bounce back. I guess because it crashed into a screen door, there was a possibility of rebounding. I think too much.

For what it's worth, titles that are fully capitalized look odd, as if they're shouting to get attention.

Lasting Impression
The last line also had me laughing. Maybe it was night shift at the hospital, or the doctor was an intern. In my experience, not too many doctors offer quips to their patients.

So the question remains. Did the duck leave the house or not?



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