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Review Requests: OFF
3,240 Public Reviews Given
3,279 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
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551
Review of Dialogue  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


Overall Impression
I've never tried NaNo but the interest is present, and I enjoy reading how others are experiencing it. Somehow, it's in my mind that writers write and don't worry too much about editing. If the realization hit me that my writing was tell not show, well, I'm not sure the resolve would be there to rewrite. Unless you were not too far into the plot.

A few thoughts
Moby Dick is often referred to when learning about writing. Most of the classic works simply can't be modernized for this world, but this dialogue is exquisite. I liked that you explained what you gleaned from studying this. And yes, that's the ideal way to write. Let the character tell the story. Sometimes, during scene writing, I stand up and move around, trying to see where my characters are going, and how my writing will take them there. Other times, I have to be in my character's head, wondering how they would react.

What works best, for me, is to set up immediate conflict between two characters and let them work it out.

Lasting Impression
Since you're writing from experience and seem comfortable modernizing the novel for today's tech kids, I think you've got a strong case here for something worthy of reading. Will this be a YA novel?

Only a few more days until November concludes. I hope you reached your goal. I'm happy you learned something along the way and took time to give other potential writers some insight. We learn from each other. Keep writing!





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552
552
Review of Song Cry  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Derek. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
What a fantastic, poignant story. The title is mysterious and poetic, I wondered at the meaning. Why not change the brief description to something that reflects the story. Telling members this was something you wrote won't garner as many readers. And this work deserves to be read.

A few thoughts
Since the story was about the music, not too much of a setting was required. I would have liked a bit more to indicate the era. In the first paragraph, the dad is going off to battle, so I guessed this to be Middle Ages.

Later in the story, the dad says he's always off to work, taking care of the son and mom. That sounded like a regular dad with a job, not a warrior. Did I miss something?

Your words describing the experience of listening were beautiful and poetic. My heart clenched when you paused the dad's dialogue to show him struggling for the right words. It gave me a sense of this wonderful man who wasn't there to give excuses or platitudes.

Although the son had no specific age, he experienced his dad's hugs as bear-like, so I assumed somewhere around ten years old.

Rather than make this past perfect, [I had studied] I think you'd be okay with simple past [I studied]. Perfect past can make the reading experience awkward. The words are 'clunky' for lack of a better explanation.

Adding a bit of paragraphing would make this an easier read. The words look as if they all run together. It's especially important when it comes to dialogue. Let those words be seen. *Checkg*

Lasting Impression
Good grief, you brought tears to me eyes with that last paragraph. Music is magic, and I heard it playing here, in your words. Well done!



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553
553
Review of Death  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi HRK. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



First Impression
*Fleurdelis* The title was a little trite and didn't grab my attention. I rarely review poetry because I'm a short story writer.

So why did I read it? This week I've been pondering over what your brief description encouraged.

A few thoughts
*Fleurdelis* What is the first stanza suggesting? Death has never before been contemplated? The pronoun (their) suggests someone observing. Who are they?

My interpretation of stanza one. It takes great strength to stand by and do nothing when a person is dying.

Whenever death comes wandering in, expected or not, I ask myself the same question. How can a person simply not be anymore? Is that what you were expressing in the last sentence?

Slight correction
[off - of]

Emotional Connection
*Fleurdelis* My dad died in his sleep a few hours after I visited him in the hospital. Somehow, through his oxygen mask, he managed to say "I'm done." On an intellectual level, his words sounded logical. He was in his late eighties and ill. Death was the natural conclusion.

But to actually see him not breathing on the same bed as when I saw him before? Even though I knew he was dying, the pain was no less. I agree, the act of dying is easy. But in a case of lingering, death brings anguish with no indication of when it will take over.

Lasting Impression
*Fleurdelis* The topic of death is complex and perplexing. We often speak of it. The concept consumes us. Is it the human ego that cannot believe we will not always continue? Your work touched lightly on this natural occurrence. What's presented here made me curious. Have you encountered death before?

Keep writing. *Wink*



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554
554
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Cat Carroll. Nixie, here.

HAPPY 2nd! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews"  *CakeB*


Maybe that kind reviewer who shared the advice helped more than one person. Lately, when I write, all I think about getting everything right. Sights, sounds, actions, dialogue. The fun has vanished.

As you're discussing, I write best when no thinking is involved. This gift often visits at night, or while writing in a blog. Which was another part of this entry. I even use image blog contests to keep me writing. I work best with images, and feel no stress when I write because I don't care. (Well I do care, but mostly the purpose is practicing.)

In the last six months, I would say my writing has worsened. Maybe from extensive reviewing, my head gets clogged with others' words and edits. Reviewing is supposed to help us write because we see other people's mistakes. I won't stop reviewing, but it would be great to stop writing a story and fall back into my creativity.

When the writing is good, it flows. Contests can help or frustrate. I've ruined stories trying to make them work for prompts, and I never go back and write what I wanted to.

Oh-oh. I just realized I'm babbling about my experiences when I'm supposed to be writing an anniversary review.

The best news? Because I stopped by your port and found this blog entry, I was reminded of something that allowed me to get out my own thoughts. What better compliment than to say, "Your words sparked mine."

Looks like you're making an effort to keep this blog somewhat current. I have a four day reminder set up, otherwise, I'd lose interest or forget to make an entry. Okay, Happy Anniversary~

** Image ID #2064533 Unavailable **


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555
555
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi RC3056. Nixie, here.

HAPPY 13th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews"  *CakeB*


You may not be delighted I found this story to review. It sounded like Casey parted on a happy note, so hopefully there's no anguish in revisiting your work. Just for a minute. Okay?

What an amazing cat story. I have one hundred million anecdotes, and I bet you do as well. Awesome idea to choose one central theme, Travels with Casey, and keep the memories contained.

Your dad was very sweet. Some might have moved the cat to retake the chair. I thought maybe Casey would share by sitting on your dad's lap.

Incredible Casey didn't jump out a window while you were parked. Didn't he ever want to go outside? I've only owned one cat who wanted to stay inside. All my others, no way they would comply. The Persian never made it far from the front door, but a few were expert hunters.

Casey woke you with a lick? Our Persian, Indiana Jones, stuck his wet nose in my ear. A purring alarm clock. Yucky and effective.

Dancer was our star. He lived for seventeen years. When we traveled, he rode my husband's shoulder. He walked my three kids to and from the bus stop every day for school. One afternoon, he hid behind a bush and jumped on the neck of a German Shepherd who wouldn't stay out of our yard. We never saw that dog again.

Although we've tried substitutes, not one cat ever lived up to Dancer's fame. My partings with my cats became so traumatizing, I vowed not to own another unless it walked through my door. Yes, it happened.

It sounded like you had many friends when you wrote this. Members who cared about you and your cat. That's one of the reasons I habitually hang out here. The friends I've made along the way. Sometimes I have to remind myself to write.

Not only did Casey enrich your life, you were his beloved pet. Not all cats have dedicated owners. People can be cruel. Casey was one fortunate kitty.

Great title, by the way. It never happened like that for me. Dancer was sick for a long time, but no point in my going back to that memory.

Just curious. Did you ever get another cat?

** Image ID #2064533 Unavailable **


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556
556
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Deborah. Nixie, here.

HAPPY 15th WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews"  *CakeB*


Catchy title drew me in. I have my own sense of slowing and speeding up reading, but what you described here is new to me. Or reminiscent of something I forgot.

Alliteration is one of my favorite devices. I think the love of the repetitious sounds lingered from my high school years.

Fascinating examples of Ls and Ws in the one sentence. I'd never thought of that before. I'm always looking for new ways to structure sentences, for variety. I agree with you. Most of this I derive from reading novels. It's too easy to fall into a she said formation of sentences.

I agree, fast and vivid verbs trump everything. The use of a thesaurus is of great benefit to me. Rarely does my first word choice end up in final drafts.

That title is still chattering in my mind. The very subtle switch between controlling the reader's speed and controlling their minds worked to great effect.

Storytelling skills develop over time. After reading this article more than once or twice, I have new knowledge to take on my next short story adventure. This original and unique read left quite an impression on my mind.

I liked this line from your wordpress link
"Do all judges look for the same things? No. Each judge is as different as a snowflake."

Just asking why you chose different rather than unique? Hungry learner here.

** Image ID #2064533 Unavailable **


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557
557
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi R.H.N.

HAPPY 6th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews"  *CakeB*


Overall Impression
What an outstanding title choice! Not one to pass up a sci-fi story, I dove in.

This fanciful story was quite creative in nature, but lacked in technique and basic writing skills. Nothing that can't be easily fixed, so I'd rather focus on the fun, for an anniversary review. It hasn't been edited since it was written, which tells me you have no intentions of returning to this story. I have a few of those in my portfolio.

As the plot unrolled
The cast of characters sounded like a lively bunch, familiar to you, but not to the reader. The plot moved swiftly, and I wanted to know more about that crew and see their personalities developed.

Due to punctuation issues, lack of capitalizing names, and improper paragraphing, it took some guess work to make this a cohesive read.

(If you'd like specific instances, just ask, and I'll send them to you in an email.)

I wasn't able to identify with any of the characters, so their safety merely interested me. I read the words, but felt no connection. All I had were names and references to losing family members should the mission fail.

Although they were in grave danger, the members remained somewhat detached, lashing out a few times to express their dismay. (I didn't always know who was saying what.)

The slice of action was wonderfully impossible, or not. It sounded scientific, but I don't have enough background to decide whether this is pure fancy.

The conflict was quickly resolved, and the crew made it (almost) back home.

Lasting Impression
Creativity and enthusiasm abounded, and I enjoyed the read. The reason for the creature's existence, and how it planned to use earth, was inventive and unusual. *Smile*

** Image ID #2064533 Unavailable **


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558
558
Review of On Goldenrod Road  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Milhaud. Nixie, here.

HAPPY 7th WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews"  *CakeB*


Overall Impression
The narrator in this story set the mood from the first paragraph. Typical kids, out for a lark. I liked how you showed the Eaton's house and Mr. Eaton in his wheelchair watching. No wasted descriptions here. Mr. Eaton and his wheelchair were an integral part of the plot as he observed the boys walking back and forth.

As the plot unfolded
Their age was evident because they referred to Native Americans as Indians. I appreciated how seamlessly you wove their ages into the story, confirming my estimation. I was smiling, imagining the pair of them trying to act casual. The sprinkle of humor kept the story light, despite the criminal act they were undertaking. To the boys, it was a lark, an adventure.

Emotions evoked
As an adult, I cringed at the thought of disturbing the dead. They were really quite clueless. Their rural background enhanced the natural innocence of the boys and that might have contributed to their lack of knowledge.

Connection on a personal level
The house where I grew up was custom built for our family, meaning no negative energy inhabited the house when we moved in. But we heard many unsettling sounds that my dad attributed to the foundation settling. I never accepted the explanation and learned later that the house was constructed on or near Native American burial grounds. That house gave me the creeps.

*Idea* A few thoughts
Eaton’s Nursery seemed
Next to Eaton’s nursery
The Eaton’s themselves

The first two phrases made me think the name of the nursery was Eaton. The third phrase clued me in that you were referring to the nursery the Eatons owned.

Lasting impression
I'm relieved Mrs. Eaton was so involved in a singular task that she didn't notice the disturbed grave. (I'm assuming that's why.)

The playful banter between the boys, and the images created in my mind of the two of them up to mischief, made this a delightful read.

Thanks for the explanation at the bottom. *Checkg* Great work!

** Image ID #2064533 Unavailable **


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559
559
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Ida_Matilda. Nixie, here.

*CakeB* HAPPY 8th WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Overall Impression
The beginning of this story showed the reader a torn woman wondering how to put her life back together. It was evident the ex was at fault, and I liked knowing that right up front.

A few thoughts
Oh, the things we find in boxes. Interesting the husband saved this letter and kept in a trinket box from his wife. I wonder why? Was he trying to remind himself not to ruin his life and those of the people around him? That would be his story to tell.

As the woman read, the reader discovered the sham of the marriage. The father's words predicted the failure of the husband, and since I knew he was at fault already, I accepted his words as truth. Which they were. I liked the way you phrased his sentences. He wasn't completely accusatory, more like accepting a sad, sad situation. I was happy to know the woman had her own money.

Women should listen to their dads. I wished I'd listened to mine. lol

How old was Charity when the couple split? I hope he never hurt that beautiful baby or spoke a harsh word.

Lasting Impression
I like to keep anniversary reviews light. After all, it is a celebration. Verb tenses changed at odd moments which skewed the story a bit.

Now that the contest is over, maybe you can change the brief description to something that reflects the plot's intent.

However, the brightness and enthusiasm in those words made me smile. *Bigsmile*





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560
560
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Nicola. Nixie, here.


*CakeB* HAPPY 9th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Overall Impression
The title grabbed me, left me with no choice other than to read. The brief description told me the plot would be unsettling, so I prepared myself. Mental illness can be spooky and mysterious when fictionalized.

The story read well, although I was way off on my perception of time and place. In my mind, the restraints were metal chains, and this story was taking place in the 1800's. Lucky for me Mrs. Maddens knew the date. Although the doctor never confirmed it. Hmm.

Did mental hospitals in the 1940's have screaming patients? Were the floors filthy? Everything seemed to be taking place in a sanatorium. The first paragraph threw me for a loop.

A few thoughts
If the story's purpose was to confuse and perplex the reader, then well done!

Not many would believe an angel story, so even the reader had to question Mrs. Madden's state of mind.

She had two stories to tell. One, she killed her baby, which led me to believe she needed to hospitalized. To discover she was restrained for something else surprised me.

Lasting Impression
The mood of this story was dark and threatening. The mental institution sounded like a horrific place. ECT was presented as something to be feared, but it can be a helpful technique to reset the brain. The patient feels no discomfort. However, it's possible that wasn't true in the 1940's. Maybe you did some researching before writing this.

What I'm stumbling around trying to say is--the writing is excellent, but the theme disturbed me. So I had to question everything in the story. I found a few inconsequential errors that you might see if you decide to revisit this story.





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561
561
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Brooke!

*CakeB* HAPPY 11th WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
"Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Eleven years, Brooke, and you're still gong strong. You've enriched my life in so many ways, and I've learned so much from you. Now it's time to celebrate you!

I'm a frequent flier at the Talent Pond image shops, yet had no idea there were Cnotes available too! I only saw this item because it was in your highlighted section.

In my mind, the leaves turning in Autumn are more vibrant than the header image. Still, I imagined myself walking down that road and admiring the trees. The sensory input induced a relaxed mood, as I prepared to wander through Nature Notes.

All the lovely notes remind me of the loveliness of you. Never understated, yet always elegant. The notes have a quiet beauty to them that made me relax as I read through them.

We both have the same opinion. Unified themed Cnote Shops are the ultimate. So of all the beautiful images, I chose the thistle wood, or dandelion as my favorite. I gravitate toward black and white. This one, with a bit of color drew my attention. I thought about my grandson standing in the yard, and for the first time, blowing away the flower seeds.

Since blue is my favorite color, the "You are special" Cnote was my second favorite. The dew drops look real enough to touch. Today, I needed the "Believe in Yourself" Cnote.

All the notes are equally priced, and the cost is moderate. Each note screams (quietly) "I am something to be admired."

Like the Cnote shop, every little thing about you is wonderful.





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Review of Wanted  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Shannon. I was working my way through Newsletters and found your story here. "Drama Newsletter (November 11, 2015)" 

*StarR*
Overall Impression
Excellent, eye-catching image complimented the story. *Checkg*

You certainly know how to grab a reader and keep them in a stranglehold.

*StarR*
Plot/Setting/Characters
In the opening paragraph, it's not clear who was speaking so the reader was driven to continue reading. In the second paragraph, it could be the guy in cuffs or another character musing, until the phase 'sitting here--" showed the reader exactly who the thinker was.

You used a visual description of the perp in such a way as to reveal the cop's intimidation. And then the cop's emotions spilled out. So clever on your part.

The interrogation began, and Kessler thought about how he works an interrogation. This naturally proceeded to a subtle bit of foreshadowing, which I missed on the first go 'round because I was completely invested in Kessler's POV.

I already detested Walker. I don't think the soggy cigarette was mentioned at this point, but that was disgusting and memorable. (In a good way.)

Kessler popped up next. I liked how he used the frog analogy, but then made the cliche his own, revealing more of his character. At this point, I didn't know if Kessler or Walker was the main character for the purposes of this contest. Each was equally absorbing.

And Walker used the classical 'I started with animals' but the rest of his dialogue took care of that overdone trait common among serial killers.

Kessler maintained his cool, thinking Walker was just another criminal who used a typical ploy to annoy any detective.

The whispering part totally confused me, as did Kessler's comment about making it look good. Oh, you're exceptional at keeping the reader on his/her toes.

Ha! You tricked me, and it took two reads to see the fine distinction that singled out Kessler as the character. You really put him to the test, and I can't say he was wrong. Awesome demonstration as to what moral people will do when loved ones are threatened.

The title "Wanted" seemed to apply to Walker, but running the plot through my mind again, there was something Kessler "Wanted".

This sentence struck me as unusual and unique
"--Detective Kessler gets a .45 brain massage."


Click here
Oops ▼

*StarR*
Parting thoughts
What was equally attractive as the plot--you didn't precisely follow the prompt, but showed the reader something buried in Kessler's mind. Far more intimate than what was called for.

Excellent conclusion. Devastating, yet logical. Outstanding write!

** Image ID #1887901 Unavailable **


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563
563
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Patrice! I found you work here and wanted to express my thoughts. "Drama Newsletter (November 11, 2015)" 


My first impression of this work was the presentation. With proper paragraphing, the article flowed naturally, and the information provided helped me and made me think about how I approach a story.

I've never used a profile because my main interest is writing short stories. In my mind, the technique discussed applies more to novel writing. And profiling annoys me. My character, rather than having a solid background, becomes the person who has to fit into all my categories.

What does work for me is giving a character quirks. Humor pulls a reader into the story. Not the comedic genre, humor specific to one character. The reader will always recognize the protagonist. Of course this cannot be overdone of obnoxious.

Character names are as important to background. If a character is Joe or Dave, he's probably generic, or brings to mind a generic and boring character. I keep a list of names nearby, or sometimes research names to find an interesting one relevant to the time period.

I've read stories with a nameless and /or gender less protagonist. I can't commit to a character I don't know.

It's less common to read works here that specifically state the characters' attributes. My advice is to let the other characters talk about the protagonist in a way that reveals the character.

Good grief, has the review been all about me? No, not at all. Your work sparked my thoughts. I was focused on what you wrote while considering my approaches to similar circumstances.

Using William Faulkner's quote demonstrated a few things. First, as you stressed, no reader would put up with all that description. But he didn't merely list the attributes. Each description was linked to something that revealed the character in an interesting way.

So what will I do now? Pick and choose among the traits you listed and jot down topics that seem relevant to my work. I've seen character profiles elsewhere, or should I say everywhere?

However, you created this article with your own thoughts, which made this a unique read. Well done! And yes, the first impression is crucial. Woe be to the author who creates confusion with too much information in the first few paragraphs.


** Image ID #2064533 Unavailable **


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564
564
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Storygirl. I found your item here:
"Invalid Item" 


*StarR*
Overall Impression
Good grief, you scared me with this story. I had all sorts of visions in my head. Black, slimy beings the size of a giant's hand. Ginormous furry legs with suction cups for feet. Bulging eyes. Gelatinous. Seriously disturbing.

*StarR*
Plot/Setting/Characters
Her terror caught me in its grip, and as the plot unfolded, my stomach roiled. Outstanding descriptions showed her fear as it escalated until she was nearly out of control. But she ran for the door. I nearly shrieked when it attacked her, and then her face.

I liked your verb choice (skitter) because she was likened to a word associated with bugs and crawling. It was almost as if she was one with her fright.

And she lost track of it. Really, I was on the edge of my seat. And then it suctions to her? Very vivid scene of her shaking of her shirt.

Smart girl made it to the armoire, thank goodness. But then she was trapped in there with that thing beating against the wood.

When the boyfriend finally arrives, I thought she was an idiot for giving that monster a chance to attack him. She had no choice though, and it would have been horrible if he assumed she wasn't home.

Click here
Suggestions ▼


*StarR*
Parting thoughts
After all the tension and fright, what happened after the boyfriend arrived was a let down.

*Star* But, from there, a whole new story began. The relationship between the two was beautifully demonstrated through sparkling dialogue. The last sentence was brilliant. And hilarious, too.

Great write!

** Image ID #1887901 Unavailable **


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565
565
Review of Vision  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Logan. Nixie, here. *Smile*


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


Overall Impression
Interesting word choices and phrasing made this work stand out. Sometimes it rhymes, and other times not, but nothing truly detracts because the message is strong. With no punctuation, the poem spread out as one piece.

A few thoughts
You ensnared me right from the first stanza. The same for the brave and the stupid. Although sometimes bravery comes from stupidity.

The second stanza reveals the poem's topic. We're playing cupid's game. In the third stanza, the pattern changed. The last line rhymed with the last line in the fourth stanza. So while the 2nd stanza's last line seemed off and weird to my ear, I liked what happened in the third stanza. (schemes rhyming with dreams)

Lasting Impression
The poem carries the theme of breaking throughout and keeps it strong until the final two stanzas. Through the cracks shows brokenness, but restructured demonstrates completion and optimism, with a lingering shade of doubt. (If tommorrow--)

On a personal level, I was nodding in agreement with the words. I'm dark that way. So I was actually pleased when the last line pulled back a bit, not totally promising redemption. And this wasn't necessarily a poem about love. Even with Cupid in there, the words can be extrapolated to pull more dimension, making the read more satisfying. Nicely done.





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566
566
Review of Book Rage  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Yarrow. Nixie, here. Your rant was featured here:
"For Authors Newsletter (September 30, 2015)"  Congratulations!


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


Overall Impression
The title and brief description explained what I was about to read, and that was an immediate draw. I try to keep track of book bombs, but I'm horrible at keeping lists. Amazon helps out, reminding me that I already purchased a particular book. That's how forgettable some are.

A few thoughts
I liked that you didn't specify the novel's title, but on the other hand, you wouldn't be biasing anyone. We're capable of reading reviews and making our own decisions. And writers speak their minds. However, I respect your unique choice.

Excellent job making this rant not only personable, but coherent. It was easy to sympathize with you because being disappointed by a book is crushing. Thank goodness for people who review what they've read or bought.

My disappointment was with a literary book by Donna Tartt. Her first book "The Secret History" was memorable and outstanding. I finished reading it and started all over again. Her second book "The Goldfinch" was horrible, yet it received all the prestigious awards. I bought the book when it came out because her first was stellar.

Like you, I felt a bit foolish, was I the only one who disliked it? Had I missed something? As the reviews came in, my opinion was nearly unanimous. I was vindicated.


Lasting Impression
Excellent closing paragraph showed the reader a side of you that I picked up on as I read. You're not some person going on a rant at all. Your love affair was broken, but you're not afraid to venture forth again. The comedy in that last sentence left me smiling.

Nice work!



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567
Review of The fire within  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Empress. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


Overall Impression
Your first sentence brought me to a halt. The originality, the conciseness, the implication, all worked together and carried me forward into the rest of the words.

A few thoughts
The power behind this was inspiring. The metaphoric volcano was a stroke of brilliance. I can't think of the term, but putting contradictory words together is one of my favorite ways to write. I'm referring to:
Your peaceful violence it is ragging [raging] in the depths--

Was this intentional?
you wouldn’t settle down for nothing in the world
Or did you mean to write [anything]? Just asking because it stuck out and took me away from the web you've spun with your words.

This short piece inspired me, and I think you're going to be a strong writer. As I read, it seemed the narrator was dead and encouraging the loved one left behind to move forward. But in the last sentence, the narrator says "We've got stuff to do." That threw me for a loop. I can't factor in a living narrator.

I wouldn't label this as action/adventure. 'Inspirational' as first, and 'Self-help' as second work. Maybe 'personal' as a third choice?

You might want to fix the punctuation in the title.
The Fire Within

Lasting Impression
Ever since the movie "Lord of the Rings" [my precious] brings thoughts of Golem, alone in that cave, hissing.

I liked how this was left open to interpretation, but wondered if something more specific than 'stuff' might create a stronger impact. It would certainly let the reader know if the narrator was dead or alive.

"Don't water dead flowers." Beautiful and haunting words.

Keep writing.




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568
568
Review of Idea One  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Seven. Nixie here.

Welcome to WDC from
*Balloong* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *Balloong*


Once the prologue established the back story, excellent dialogue moved the plot smoothly forward. Try to write more concisely to keep the reader engaged.

An example of word economy
"He rushed out on quick heals and not realizing he had been holding his breath, inhaled deeply once he was outside."*Right*

*Idea* This sentence can be reworded. For example,
He rushed out, sucking in the cool twilight air.

Why am I making these suggestions? The verb rushed means hurried, so the quick heels isn't needed. Take out the distancing word, realizing, and lose the passive verb. The sentence is tighter, more effective. More engaging.

the lifeless body that adorned the chipped wooden floor
Hmm. I don't think a dead body adorns anything.

Chapter One
I think you're okay with keeping the same font consistent throughout. *Checkg*

The narrator is effectively an empath, although his/her gift was a birthright. The paragraphs are wordy, but what the narrator experienced came through enough for me to form an image. A name for the narrator would enhance the story and help the reader identify with the character. I didn't know if this was a guy or a woman talking.

That doctor Srivars was incredibly annoying. Great job demonstrating his character. I love how feisty Rayva sounds. She's an awesome character.

What impressed me the most was the dialogue between these characters. Yes, it's too wordy, but you've got something great here to work with.

Is this an extra word?
*change“Muscle fatigue,

Chapter two was a game changer. Fascinating. Keep on writing!

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569
569
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi there. Nixie, here. I found your story here:
"Noticing Newbies Newsletter (October 28, 2015)" 

Welcome to WDC from
*Balloonr* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


*StarR*
Overall Impression
Lots of creeping going around in this plot. As a child, nothing imagined under the bed frightened me. But the closet, oh that terrified me. The gnarled hand and what followed, I felt sorry for the narrator. She had to endure this all by herself.

*StarR*
Plot/Setting/Characters
The narrator began the story by relating her past experience and demonstrating her skepticism. In the second paragraph, she talked about what had already happened. (She saw the thing). From there, the plot was launched.

A few thoughts. Giving your character names helps the reader to identify with their plight. Dialogue is more effective in advancing this connection than a summary of what was said. Avoid distancing words like decided or realized.

Write active sentences with vibrant verbs, and avoid passive verbs. Practice word economy. Example
We had seen a group of deer on our way to the house that had jumped out in front of us and nearly caused our car to crash.
On the way home one night, a group of deer jumped in front of the car and we nearly crashed.

Better yet, use dialogue.
"(Boyfriend) watch out for those deer!"

The wheel spun in his hands as he swerved.

*Right* Sorry. It's not my place to rewrite your words. I'm merely trying to demonstrate my point.

Take a look at how many times the verb was appears. See if you can turn the sentence into an active scene.

Omit adverbs by finding a stronger verb.

Rather than tell us why she decided to set up the rooms in a certain way, you can show the rooms.

The first sentence paragraph three is a bit of a run-on.

Engaging a reader involves keeping the writing tight. So if "The day passed uneventfully" why tell the reader?

In fact the crickets came out early and filled the air with their annoying song.
I had to laugh when I read this sentence. My dad used to tell me crickets singing in the house was a good sign.

Click here
Suggestions ▼


*StarR*
Parting thoughts
The story elicited some fear from me, but with less words, I'd feel the effect more profoundly.

I'm not suggesting you change anything in your story. I'm merely sharing a bit of story craft because it's fun to discuss.

Keep writing!



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570
Review of Enjoyment  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Connie. Nixie, here.




Overall Impression
I stumbled across your poem while surfing random reviewing. After I finished reading (outstanding work) you left me with a question for which I have no answer. I don't think enjoyment is a word that can be explained, relative to my experiences. But you found a way.

A few thoughts
You mourned your lost relationship to demonstrate enjoyment. And what a lovely marriage you obviously had. I was never gifted with a joyful marriage.

I thought it was humorous that the second line referred to food. Closely followed by trips, so maybe you were thinking about a cruise.

When a marriage dissolves, for whatever reason, shared friends are lost. The newly single is cast adrift, and finding ways to be happy when you feel so isolated challenges.

The second line in the third stanza caused some stumbling on my part. Eventually, the words fit together and the pain hit. Puzzled also by sixth stanza, first line. After a few reads, fascinating. He's asking you why you're alive, and what usually happens is the survivor wondering where the partner is. You said that so much better than me trying to explain it back to you.

The hype and spin is definitely true, time heals nothing. My favorite part was the repetition of the first line in the last. It is a funny word. First thought that came to me was Tiramisu. Which is really tragic in relation to my life since there is nothing more, no trips associated.

Lasting Impression
The overall mood of melancholy and acceptance is carried throughout the poem. And a lingering loss creeps around me after reading this. Nice work, Connie.



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571
Review of Holding On  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Icebear. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*Balloonr* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


*Burstb* The title of this work asks a relevant question. Many of us around the site are addicted to WdC. If we believed all the negative reviews received, we'd lose our self-confidence.

*Burstb* In a similar way, Maria suffers. Does she care too much about what others say? She received some scathing comments, which would discourage anyone. I couldn't quite figure out how these kids kept up a friendship with Maria, unless this all happened in one day. Wouldn't Maria drop them, or confront them? How could they look at her and claim to be her friend? People speak more freely on the internet, and Maria learned a crushing lesson. She was appreciated only for her looks. Every pretty girl's nightmare.

*Burstb* Great job showing her worry. She slept badly and woke early, hoping for positive comments.

*Burstb* It only takes one person to make a difference. For Maria, this was Karen. Because Karen turns Maria's world around, I wish there was more about her. She's described as a nerd, but why? Is she unattractive, or studious? Lacking in social skills, shy?

*Burstb* I wonder why Karen leaped to Maria's defense? Her comment was appropriate and compassionate. Offering a ray of hope and pointing the attention back to her first days as a blogger. That was my favorite part because I often think about that when I'm reviewing. People were always kind and forthcoming. But how bad was my writing when I joined? And I still have lapses of attention that make me appear as a novice writer. I take all of this into account when reading someone else's work.

*Questionb* So, I'm still left with the hanging question. The mystery of Karen. What negative comments had she received? How did Maria counteract them. With what words? Since the reader knows exactly what Maria read in her blog, it seemed only fair they should be able to know what's in Karen's. Just a thought.

I wonder what horrible things Karen had to forgive. What did Maria say to her?

*Boxcheckb* The point is two-fold. Find confidence within yourself, and find friendship in those who deserve it, no matter what they look or act like. We're all in this together. Let's be kind. Keep writing!


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572
572
Review of THE DREAM  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Crow. Nixie here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
Your words created so strong an emotional impact, I had to write a review. With the mention of a pup, I'm guessing the dream brought a beloved animal back into your mind.

This is horrible, but I had to put down my Persian when he went into kidney failure. For months afterwards, I dreamed of him asking me why I killed him when he was still alive. My guilt personified, but the dream was so real.

A few thoughts
If I ignore the mention of the dog, the poem brought to mind my sister and my dad's passing. My dad's death in 2014 is still to raw to process, and remembering him in a dream is more like navigating through a maze. My sister comes to me, at any time of the day, but not so much anymore. I dreamed of a man I once loved--it was more like we joined on a supernatural level. When I woke, my mind reacted as yours, in this poem. I wished it had never ended.

Lasting Impression
I liked the way the poem began, and the slight deviation in the final line. When the ones we loved (animals included) visit us in dreams, the feeling upon wakening overwhelms. You expressed this succinctly, no wasted words.

I don't think the colored font added to the presentation. I like to use colors in reviews, but not in my work.

With so much sadness here, at WdC, and my personal upset, your expression of feelings brought tears to my eyes. Keep writing. *Smile*




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573
Review of Elisa's Nightmare  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there! Nixie, here.

Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
I actually learned more from the brief description than what was revealed in the story.

A few thoughts
I liked the way this began, with the narrator 'seeing' her breakfast before she wakes. She thinks dreams of being bullied are horrifying, so I'm guessing this is a young girl. From what she relates, it sounds more like (sadly) typical bullying.

I think you're trying to scrunch too much into some dialogue. The girl just busts out crying, a violent reaction compared to her simple and quiet first question, "Mother?" The mom didn't say anything to cause the narrator's outburst. I can imagine the girl getting upset if she tells her mom she doesn't want to go to school, and her mom says she has to.

What I'm guessing is that the bullying hasn't yet begun. Only the narrator sees what's going to happen. And then it seems the girl has already told her mom about the bullying, and the mom doesn't remember?

Rather than my mom reply 'as if she's distracted by something else', maybe you can tell the reader what's distracting her. Something to firm up the scene. Is she reading the newspaper? Flipping through emails?

When the section begins with "I run to the bus--" the whole sentence seems to take off running. Try slowing down and let Diamond actually have some dialogue. Or maybe sitting next to the narrator (who really needs a name), with an arm over her friend's shoulder, for comfort. Doesn't she care enough about her friend to wonder why she's upset?

"Yes hun?" She replies.
Yes, hun?" she replies.
Check other sentences. The pronouns in dialogue tags do not have to be capitalized.

Lasting Impression
Try spacing this out and adding in more details. I think you're trying to show the reader that no one around the narrator can relate to her, but right now, nothing about the story really grabs my attention.

Stories told from the first person POV can be dramatic and engrossing. The trick is to avoid accumulating sentences that begin with "I".

I liked the conclusion. Yes, bullies do love to bully, but having the sentence trail off left a bit of malicious intent in my mind. You must have quite a story to tell. Keep writing!




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574
Review of Calamity  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Aurora. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



Overall Impression
A story of heroism is always a draw. This story began with the disastrous event, an earthquake that leveled a home. Off to a great start. Plenty of conflict and emotions would naturally arise from a collapse.

A few thoughts
In the first paragraph, the overwhelming emotion is fear and confusion. The words had captured me, and I wanted to know more.

The second paragraph was a surprise because it took me out of the story be telling who the family members were. Interesting, they were all brilliantly successful. Not even one family member with imaginative quirks?

The final paragraph brought the reader back to Maria, and we told how she felt and what she did. Her moral certitude gave her strength.

Lasting Impression
What would have made this more interesting? First, some basic spacing between words and adding paragraphs, so this doesn't present as a large block of text.

Capitalize proper nouns. Sometimes Maria is capitalized, other times not. Simple lapses of attention can create havoc among the most experienced writers. The secret? Edit, edit, edit, and edit again. (That's what I have to do for most of my work.) *Pthb*

As you continue to work with other authors, you'll pick up the technique of creating a story, using elements like dialogue and vivid scenes as seen through your character's eyes. Imagine Maria speaking the words you wrote here. Even something simple like this would help. "Mom, Dad, I'm coming to help you. Hold on."

Show, through her actions, what zest and vigor look like. The words aren't enough to create character identification. Bring the reader into your world, and keep them prisoner.

Everyone has their own way to tell a story, and no one has the right to tell another what to do. The basic story elements are conflict and resolution. We add characters and dialogue to forward the plot.

WdC is a safe place to express yourself. Keep writing! And nost importantly, have fun. *Bigsmile*






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Review of Tobin Goes To Bed  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there. Nixie, again with another review for your HYDRO Package "Invalid Item" purchased by Agape Novels


Overall Impression
Great cover art. I've seen books displayed in a similar manner everywhere. I can't resist them. My first love was reading.

I've told you before how much I enjoy children's stories? I love reading them and thinking about reading them to my grandchildren.

I wish getting my grandsons to sleep was this easy, as demonstrated in the story. My own kids were more cooperative than my daughter's. The ritual of the grandsons going to bed goes on and on.

The three year old has his own definition of "just one more". Generally, that's at least three more. When Tobin said "two trucks" it sparked my memory. The younger grandson sometimes takes his trucks to bed.

The six year old is skinny as a bean, so when he tells me he's hungry right when I'm tucking him in, it's hard to say no, eating time is over. But his mom is working with him, and everything is improving.

The child in this story was precious. I got a kick out of how those parents got their boy to sleep. The mom helping him brush was efficient. She's smart too, congratulating him on what he has accomplished before instructing him to brush more.

My grandsons usually swallow the toothpaste. I have to tell them there's more sugar germs on their teeth to keep them brushing.

I was surprised the parents only washed this child's hands and feet. Although, I did enjoy reading about how how his feet got so dirty. Bath time is something the boys enjoy. It's integral to relaxing them enough to fall asleep.

Just a little typo here
He brushed his teeth, than spit in the sink.
then spit

Cute ending with the parents asking who loved him more. I wondered how he would answer those questions. I think that was my favorite part of the story.

The plot was dialogue driven and ran smoothly. The sentences were short, giving the reader snapshots of the family rituals. If you're so inclined, more details could be added to flesh out the story.

Sometimes, after I put my younger grandson to sleep, he stays awake, telling himself stories. Gotta love him.

In the conclusion, is Tobin singing, or the mom? It reads that Tobin is singing. I hope that was your intention. How sweet and special. It makes me want to cuddle him.

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