I love the imagery here. You cover a broad spectrum of nature's wonders.
Look at this one again. All the commas make it read like a run-on sentence. The paragraph at the end takes from the flow. Try to set this into stanzas: two or three lines each. This will help your readers to actually see what you are showing in this piece.
They can savor each scene you set.
The words are very visual. They are fine. The only thing that needs work is structure.
Keep writing!
~Nikola
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There is something about being outside that brings peace to my soul. This poem speaks to me of this.
I love your description of evening turning to night. Of the feeling of connecting to the Divine.
An amazing poem!
~Nikola
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I felt it had a rhythm to it almost like the dance itself. The excitement builds, the dance takes place, but there is no let down afterwards. Only the promise of the next dance. I really like that!
Wonderful!
~Nikola
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This is beautiful! I hope that you shared this with your brother. It would mean the world to him.
I really enjoy your poetry. You say exactly what you need to in very few words. Your meaning/emotion comes through clearly. (It also makes it very difficult to find anything to gripe about! )
I would really love to see you expand on this piece. Make your readers feel as near as you can to the peace you feel when you do these things. I want to experience this with you (as a reader) as much as possible.
Beautiful piece!
~Nikola
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I really like this piece! You do an excellant job of describing the cat--I could picture it.
My only comment is that I wanted more. I want to know more about this cat. It is an unusual cat afterall. I just feel there is more to the story and it's begging to be told. Give that thought some consideration.
This story has some really good elements! Your description helps to bring it to life. The storyline itself is compelling.
My comments: A tribal headpiece held his long black hair that blew in the wind as he adjusted his feet for the uneven surface of the forest edge.
Separate this into two sentences. As it stands now, it doesn't make much sense.
"A tribal headpiece held his long black hair that blew in the wind...."
If his hair is blowing in the wind, exactly what is the headpiece holding? His hair out of his eyes? Help your readers see this.
For the second sentence, "He adjusted his feet for the uneven surface of the forest edge."
A spirit would not have torn these men to pieces, not all of the bodies could be found because of how much the animal *feed on the mens' flesh, the bite marks were wolf.
This also need broken up. Your reader will feel bombarded with information and may not absorb something important to the story.
"A spirit would not have torn these men to pieces." Try to remind the reader again that "these men" were Jacy's family.
"Not all of the bodies could be found because of how much the animal *feed on the men's flesh."
*feed should be *fed.
"The bite marks were wolf."
He needed to find its weakness and race back to the tribe, even if he injured it that would give the hunters some help finding it.
Place a period instead of the comma to make this two sentences.
His aim was true and it surprised him that the spirit howled, in what sounded like pain.
Omit the comma in this one.
In the one place, you write that a spirit would NOT have torn the men to pieces, yet later on, we find out it is, in fact, just that. Make your facts match.
I would like to see you take more time with this piece. Explain more about the hunting trip that ended in tragedy. Build on the relationship with Jacy's brother. Give more detail in the final confrontation.
It is a good story! Work with it some to draw it out for your readers and it will be great!
Keep writing!
~Nikola
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This is a good "slice of life" story. I like the description you used. I could see the movement of the water.
My comments: It takes a few rain drops to realize it's raining. Sometimes, only when we are soaked from the torrent do we know it's raining.
Using "it's raining" in back to back sentences reads a bit repetitive. Try rewording one or the other to add interest.
She sat in content...
Perhaps "She sat contentedly..."
In the third paragraph from the end, everything from Sam and Tiffany had spent the day... (to) ...in order to purchase clothes for Tiffany's new job. This is deadwood unless you plan to make this into a much longer story. The rest of the piece is focused on the moment they are at the wading pool. The part I point out takes off in a different direction, thus disturbing the feel of the story.
One thing I've also learned is to leave an extra space between paragraphs. This makes a story much easier to read! I found that out the hard way.
This is a good piece, it just needs a little tightening up.
Keep writing!
~Nikola
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I really like the emotion and the way this reads. The pain is clearly evident for the reader.
I have a few comments:
"stairing" should be "staring"
"erges" should be "urges"
My one other comment is that this doesn't read like poetry. That's not a bad thing. I feel this is well written and other than the spelling mistakes, I don't think I'd change a thing.
Consider putting this in the "prose" category instead.
Good job!
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This is a riveting piece! Your use of imagery breathes amazing life into the words and leaves the reader with a sense of peace.
A few comments:
I must focus better to maintain your attentions *don't I?
Try dropping the "s" on "attention." This will give the reader the feel that Ardeo is speaking only to them.
Replace "don't" with "shouldn't." I feel that this reads smoother.
man made is one word
"Halppy" is a typo--happy
You bring life to Ardeo. He feels very real. Wonderful character development!
Good work!
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Interesting tale you have here! Really good interaction between the characters. I found Eroll to be a character himself!
First, you need to go into edit and list this as a Script/Play rather than a Short Story. That confused me at first, but the more I read, the more I realized this was written in play form.
Use a space between paragraphs and between quotations. This will make it so much easier to read.
Also, use a line break or an extra space between scene and action changes. This will allow anyone reading your play to better follow the action.
Make sure that when you are quoting you characters, that you begin the sentences with capital letters. There are several places where you didn't.
He has a certain *whit
wit
The *Third is *tom
The third is Tom
but he lacks *the Jules's intelligence
You can drop "the."
a servant to *the Lucifer
Drop "the."
too much to *bare
bear
coming *form the flames
from (I do this ALL the time!)
The man cried out what are you doing and Balboa said, what will you give me if I save you.
Do it this way:
The man cried out 'What are you doing?' and Balboa said, 'What will you give me if I save you?'
mesin' should be messin'
*H runs
He
The flames begin *form shapes
forming
drags him away *form the flame
from
This is basically what I see. Work with this and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to e-mail me.
Sandra,
I really love the dialect you use in this! Along with the description, it brings this piece to life.
My only complaint is that I wanted more. I think you could add more details and more character interaction, etc., and this would be a wonderful story. Run with it, play with it, build on it. I think you'll be surprised at how much more you can do with this!
This is some teaser! This sounds like a book I would buy and read.
I could relate to parts of this. I live in Oklahoma right now, about an hour south of the City.
And the agoraphobia thing jumped out at me. I've had 3 rather nasty bouts with that. No fun at all!
There are a few misspellings in this. You might want to check for those.
Other than that, I felt this is well written. It grabbed me and made me want more. You have a great writing style that makes your reader feel that you are talking directly to them.
Best of luck with this! I'm rooting for you!
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