Hendrix was one of the best guitarists, wasn't he?
This piece is a nice nod toward his legacy and that it still thrives today.
With poetry, try to say as much as possible with as few words as you can. I do like the conversational feel to this. However, I believe you could lose some of the "smaller" words (the's and such).
Read it aloud and see how you feel.
I see two choices here. The first part, with the son, doesn't quite flow into the rest of this piece.
1. You could write it in a way where you are telling the stories of his great uncle.
OR
2. leave out the bit about the son and go straight into the telling.
I would really love to see you expand on this. Tell us more about your uncle. Give us details, any stories you DO have. I want more.
I feel that if you do this, you will really touch your readers.
Give it some thought. I like what I read, it merely leaves me curious for more!
Wow! This is a riveting story! You draw your reader in well.
My comments: my clothes made my body look *slimming
*slim
Put the contents of the cards and thoughts in italics. This will set them apart for the reader, and in the case of the cards, will give them more impact.
Jason was one of my best friends I had met my freshman year.
Reword this to make it read smoother.
"Can I talk to you?" Tommy asked *her...
At this point, you are telling the story in first person. "Her" should be "I."
When using dialog, anytime the quote would end with a period, use a comma. There are several places in this piece that need corrected.
"Starring" shoould be "staring."
Tommy are you Okay?"
Place a comma after "Tommy." "Okay" shoudn't be capitalized.
You changed completely from first to third person. Is there a reason for this? I kinda through me off for a little.
that *nights study session
Make "nights" possessive--"night's."
"Mrs. Duiprucator...
She is only a high school student. This should be "miss."
So have you heard about the Valentine's Dance *their having?"
*they're
"What was that *al about?" *He asked when they were in speaking range of *eachother.
"All" rather than "al."
"He" doesn't need to be capitalized.
"Eachother" of course, is two words.
I loved the dialog. It brings your characters to life and gives your readers insight to their interaction.
The plot grabbed my interest and held it.
I hope you plan on finishing this. I want to know what happens!
Good work!
I plan to feature this item in the February 16 issue of the Drama Newsletter.
This story intrigues me. I like your use of dialog and description--very nice!
My comments:
When you use the vignettes, past and present, try putting them in italics. This will set them apart from the rest and let the reader know that there is a momentary shift in the storyline.
...and told Susan to meet at the Billy Jane Diner two blocks from the office building. They's always gone there for lunch.
Try to meld these together. "...to meet at the Billy Jane Diner their usual spot." That's not a great example, but you get the idea.
"Ah, thanks Margaret, I needed that" Susan spoke...
Place a comma after "that."
As I said, this intrigues me. I feel though that I didn't get to know your characters well enough. I also didn't quite understand everything. Really, I think you could make this into a novella or novel. There is enough of a story that it needs much more and you could really run wild with it.
Give it some thought.
I love the imagery here. You cover a broad spectrum of nature's wonders.
Look at this one again. All the commas make it read like a run-on sentence. The paragraph at the end takes from the flow. Try to set this into stanzas: two or three lines each. This will help your readers to actually see what you are showing in this piece.
They can savor each scene you set.
The words are very visual. They are fine. The only thing that needs work is structure.
Keep writing!
~Nikola
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There is something about being outside that brings peace to my soul. This poem speaks to me of this.
I love your description of evening turning to night. Of the feeling of connecting to the Divine.
An amazing poem!
~Nikola
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I felt it had a rhythm to it almost like the dance itself. The excitement builds, the dance takes place, but there is no let down afterwards. Only the promise of the next dance. I really like that!
Wonderful!
~Nikola
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This is beautiful! I hope that you shared this with your brother. It would mean the world to him.
I really enjoy your poetry. You say exactly what you need to in very few words. Your meaning/emotion comes through clearly. (It also makes it very difficult to find anything to gripe about! )
This is such a heartfelt piece. I would like to think that your Granddaddy understands.
It is so hard to think of all the things left unsaid and that left undone after a loved one is gone. I go through that with my own father even years after his passing.
This poem touched me deeply. I send you hugs!
~Nikola
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I absolutely love this! I think this is the first time that I've seen an acrostic poem centered--I like the effect!
It is so very obvious that this comes from your heart and soul. Every word, every line sings out. This would be a wonderful, personal chant for ritual.
Blessed be,
~Nikola
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What a lovely poem! My hat is off to you! I have yet to master acrostic poetry.
I love the way one line seems to flow into the next. I tried to choose one or two that just grabbed me, but I feel that to do that would take away from the poem.
This is just such a beautiful piece--wonderful work!
~Nikola
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I would really love to see you expand on this piece. Make your readers feel as near as you can to the peace you feel when you do these things. I want to experience this with you (as a reader) as much as possible.
Beautiful piece!
~Nikola
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This touched me deeply. I lost my father to leukemia in 1993. And you are so right. It is a mixture of sorrow and relief (of knowing the pain will be gone) for those that are left behind.
My friends and family are what pulled me through that time. I'm so glad you have your brother and your faith. That will make all the difference in the world.
Bright Blessings,
~Nikola
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I really like this piece! You do an excellant job of describing the cat--I could picture it.
My only comment is that I wanted more. I want to know more about this cat. It is an unusual cat afterall. I just feel there is more to the story and it's begging to be told. Give that thought some consideration.
This story has some really good elements! Your description helps to bring it to life. The storyline itself is compelling.
My comments: A tribal headpiece held his long black hair that blew in the wind as he adjusted his feet for the uneven surface of the forest edge.
Separate this into two sentences. As it stands now, it doesn't make much sense.
"A tribal headpiece held his long black hair that blew in the wind...."
If his hair is blowing in the wind, exactly what is the headpiece holding? His hair out of his eyes? Help your readers see this.
For the second sentence, "He adjusted his feet for the uneven surface of the forest edge."
A spirit would not have torn these men to pieces, not all of the bodies could be found because of how much the animal *feed on the mens' flesh, the bite marks were wolf.
This also need broken up. Your reader will feel bombarded with information and may not absorb something important to the story.
"A spirit would not have torn these men to pieces." Try to remind the reader again that "these men" were Jacy's family.
"Not all of the bodies could be found because of how much the animal *feed on the men's flesh."
*feed should be *fed.
"The bite marks were wolf."
He needed to find its weakness and race back to the tribe, even if he injured it that would give the hunters some help finding it.
Place a period instead of the comma to make this two sentences.
His aim was true and it surprised him that the spirit howled, in what sounded like pain.
Omit the comma in this one.
In the one place, you write that a spirit would NOT have torn the men to pieces, yet later on, we find out it is, in fact, just that. Make your facts match.
I would like to see you take more time with this piece. Explain more about the hunting trip that ended in tragedy. Build on the relationship with Jacy's brother. Give more detail in the final confrontation.
It is a good story! Work with it some to draw it out for your readers and it will be great!
Keep writing!
~Nikola
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This is a good "slice of life" story. I like the description you used. I could see the movement of the water.
My comments: It takes a few rain drops to realize it's raining. Sometimes, only when we are soaked from the torrent do we know it's raining.
Using "it's raining" in back to back sentences reads a bit repetitive. Try rewording one or the other to add interest.
She sat in content...
Perhaps "She sat contentedly..."
In the third paragraph from the end, everything from Sam and Tiffany had spent the day... (to) ...in order to purchase clothes for Tiffany's new job. This is deadwood unless you plan to make this into a much longer story. The rest of the piece is focused on the moment they are at the wading pool. The part I point out takes off in a different direction, thus disturbing the feel of the story.
One thing I've also learned is to leave an extra space between paragraphs. This makes a story much easier to read! I found that out the hard way.
This is a good piece, it just needs a little tightening up.
Keep writing!
~Nikola
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