First Impression: I saw in this piece a story about unrequited love and teen angst. A young woman who wishes to change things for one she loves, yet can't get through.
Comments: I sat *on my usual corner...
Perhaps *in?
The phases and sentences that you set apart, put them in italics for a better impact. The reader will know these are the narrator's thoughts.
But I never left my *until he was still there.
*while
really was different *comparing to all the guys
*compared
You have no Idea how happy you made me!
Separate and place in italics.
Even if I only met him for a little time
This sentence you don't really need. It's too much foreshadowing and takes from the twist at the end.
or make contact *wit me
*with
Character Development: The first person narrator seems a bit stiff. Give her some freedom! Show her personality, describe her and her friend. Delve deeper into her feelings. It will make your readers relate to and care for, your characters.
Dialogue/Monologue: The asides, as I mentioned, place in italics. More actual dialog between your characters would liven your tale. It will show how they interact.
Plot Structure:
You wavered between past and present tense. It will confuse your readers. Choose one and tell your story in that tense. Believe me, I catch myself doing the same thing!
The plot works well enough, but with some work, it will become much better.
What Worked:
It is a good story to tell! I like the young adult viewpoint. The twist is nice.
What Didn't Work:
Work on character interactions, dialog and your narrator's personality.
Closing Remarks: Rewrites are all a part of being a writer. Give this piece some loving attention and it can be a really good story!
An interesting piece. It does bring up some thought on appliances. But what good are they when the electricity goes off?
I felt this piece is good, but needs more. Perhaps let your readers in on the contest from the beginning. It is a bit confusing. Also what is the reason for this contest?
When quoting, use either quotation marks or, in this case, you could probably italicize the words. It will help your readers stay with you.
One thing..."broasted?"
I feel that if you work on this some more, you'll have a very good piece! Keep writing!
This is an interesting and engaging piece. I really like your writing style.
My comments:
Look over your first paragraph. It is one long sentence. You can break it up into two or three sentences and won't leave your readers breathless.
,the one I've had since I was seventeen hunting with my dad.
This doesn't read right and does run on.
Though nothing was actually *broke,
*broken
I grabbed for my compass to check the storm's direction........it was gone.
First, you only need three dots. There are several places where you used so many.
Second, this sounds funny when read. What is gone? The storm's direction? That is how it came across to me.
But let's not go there again, it's a sore subject with me.
Love this!
The pain in my elbow and shoulder *is worse/About here, you start switching verb tense from past to present and back. Go back and make sure your tenses match up.
The description of Stoli is great!
"You guys made it through okay?" he asked *suprisingly.
How about ", suprised."
Your descriptions and style bring your readers along on this adventure. Being, ahem, 40ish myself, I could relate to your plight.
Good work!
This is a good piece! You've given Roland a life that causes the reader to both be annoyed with his constant optimism, yet feel for him as well. Roland has the right outlook, he's just sharing it with those that don't care or don't believe as he does.
My comments:
A few misspellings actually.
Highschool should be two words.
"Freinds" should be "friends."
"Kwis" should be "kiwis."
...like a *wait was off him...
*weight
Oh and you say in your blurb this piece is about the "life and death" of your character. You never get to his death. Are you planning to add to this?
I like the soft imagery you call up with your words. I see a full moon on a winter's night and feel cozy.
I feel that you could take your lines and break them down for your stanzas. Couplets would work nicely here. I feel it would enhance the look and feel of your verse.
A very compelling story. I've been held up at gunpoint and could relate to quite a bit of this.
My comments:
This comes across as very cold and precise. I wouldn't change a thing about your thoughts and actions. But, perhaps more description would help your readers feel this terrible block of time.
Describe the gunmen, the store, customers and jewels.
co workers
One word.
The same with "gunmen."
"cooned" should be "crooned."
I truly feel if you add those emotive descriptions, this can be even more powerful! I'm so glad everyone came through with no major injuries!
You are very eloquent and your thoughts come across well.
This is a piece that should be revisited. I feel I can read it today and take away one thought or feeling, then read another day only to take away something entirely different.
Wow!
This is a very touching poem! And, a piece of history preserved.
I like the conversational feel to it. I feel it brings your readers into the world described. Living it as both men do.
The only criticism I can offer is that it is a bit choppy. Perhaps you can read it aloud and find where to remedy that. I'm not sure myself for, as I said, it has a conversational feel.
My comments:
Read this aloud and eliminate all those small words (the, a, etc). They only serve to clutter up your work.
Try also, to break this up into stanzas or, at the very least, shorter lines. This is very choppy and doesn't need to be so. It doesn't flow and has the appearance of a paragraph rather than a poem.
This has great potential. Work with it and it will sing!
I love the imagery you used in this piece! I could see and feel the storm.
My one suggestion is to read this aloud. Where can you toss some of those little words? (and, the, etc)
I think that if you clean this up, you will have a really nice poem!
Nice work!
I plan to feature this is next week's Drama Newsletter.
In your folder intro, you mentioned you were still working on this. So here's my views...
He was innocent in a world crowded with fools-fools who couldn't understand the torment...
Place a period after "fools" and then begin a new sentence.
It was all her-her and those damn cymbals
Perhaps a comma here instead of the dash.
But one day-the day he'd never forget-the cymbals came.
This just doesn't read right to me. Not sure what to suggest here.
,but it was too late, they said, too late to stop it now.
Who is "they"?
Overall, I feel I need to know more about Darryl. It is never explained why he shuts himself away or what memories the cymbals trigger. I'd like to know more about him and what makes him the way he is.
He searches out ways to murder the girl. What did he come up with? What did he disregard? How did he lure her to him so that he could carry out his deed?
Lastly, I'm unclear on the significance of the cat. He is antisocial, but seems to take to the cat right away. I see the irony in the cat's former owner, but I feel more explanation is needed on his actions here.
I see a story here...a good one. Keep working with it! It just needs some lovin' care!
This piece brought me to tears. How emotional and touching!
My comments:
Leave a space between paragraphs. This will make it easier on your readers.
When you change between characters in dialog, use a new paragraph. This, too, will make things easier on your readers. They will know that there is a change in dialog.
Put Judith's prayer in italics. This will set it apart and make it stand out.
Go back and play with this a bit more. Your dialog is good. I feel it needs more description of people and places. Also, maybe some more, I don't know, background on Alexis' illness.
I really like this. A little work will make it an excellant story!
You didn't say, what mark you earned for this piece, but I would hope it would be an A+.
This is well researched and thought out. You presented the facts in a clear manner.
Most of this, due to community work I do, didn't surprise me. However, I was startled by premature babies, low birth-weight babies, and those with cerebral palsy and mental retardation are at an elevated risk for abuse.
Thank you for posting this in your port. This is a subject that cries out for more education.
I have panic disorder too and have always been very open with people about it with no problems.
When I was first diagnosed with bipolar, I remember telling one of my college advisors. She and I had always had a friendly relationship. When I told her about my diagnosis, she got this frozen smile on her face and her entire demeanor changed. Since that day, I am very selective about who I tell.
Wow! This is a great read.
I enjoyed the twists and turns. It's amazing what a simple walk can turn into.
Your imagery and word pictures of small-town Texas are dead on. I grew up in a small town there and so much rang true.
In the third sentence, you need to capitalize the first word. Just a small error that we, as writers, often fail to catch.
I like this story as stands, but I also think you could go back and play some more...really make it shine!
I plan to feature this in this week's Drama newsletter.
~Nikola
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