*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/outoftouch/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/3
Review Requests: OFF
942 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 2 -3- 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 ... Next
51
51
Review of Silence is Murder  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I dropped by your port for an anniversary review, and this story caught my eye. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop. I like your writing style, and I can't say that I was sorry about Wayne's accident. I am, however, glad that he didn't injure anyone else with his drunk driving.

Sally was a likable character, and it was easy to empathize with her. I felt sorry for her almost immediately, working so hard to support herself and her abusive, alcoholic husband. Even though the story was short, it was complete, and it conveyed quite a message. I especially like the way the story ended on a positive, sarcastic note. Time for Sally to start living! Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the third paragraph, "What's the big idea" should end with a question mark instead of a comma. In the eleventh paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "slammed". These small things didn't detract from my enjoyment of the story as evidenced by the 5 star rating.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you had a wonderful 15th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
52
52
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I dropped by your port to do an anniversary review, and this story caught my eye. I had to find out why that mousetrap was in a coffee can. I ended up really enjoying the story.

First person narration was a good choice for this piece, and you did a great job of telling the story in present tense. I found myself empathizing with the narrator over his plight at the airport, but that empathy turned to confusion at his inability to stop laughing. I wondered how in the world he could do so, considering his current situation, but I quickly learned and had to laugh with him. I could easily picture the airport scene that you described, and I liked the way you ended the story. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First, I suggest that you add "comedy" as one of the genres to give the story more exposure.

I suggest omitting the word "as" from the first sentence, as I think the sentence would make more sense without the word. In the second sentence, "then" should be "than". That sentence would make more sense if you change "knowing" to "I know". A few sentences later, the comma after "myself" should be omitted. In that paragraph, "to much coffee" should be "too much coffee".

In the second paragraph, "no buzzer goes of" should be "no buzzer goes off". In the last sentence of that paragraph, "a voice say" should be "a voice says". In the last sentence of the fifth paragraph, "to much" should be "too much". Both commas in the last sentence of the story should be omitted.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short, humorous story. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you have a wonderful 18th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
53
53
Review of No Love Lost  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I dropped by your port for an anniversary, and I had to check out this poem, because I am so sick of winter. You captured my feelings perfectly in this short poem, and the title was so appropriate. I see that it was written in late March, 2014, so I imagine it's what you really were feeling at that time. I am so tired of having 60 degree weather one day and a foot of snow the next. When the weather finally gets warm and stays warm, it will be no love lost for me as well. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I suggest that you add another genre other than "contest entry" to give this piece more exposure. Maybe "seasonal" and "personal"?

Also, I think I would like the poem more if you added punctuation. I would also like to know if this is a particular form of poetry. Maybe you could add a small author's note to let the reader know.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this poem that I could relate to all too well. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you had a wonderful 7th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
54
54
Review of Journey's End  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I dropped by your port for an anniversary review, and I came across this little gem. I loved it! I hadn't heard of the ABC contest, but I can imagine how difficult it would be to come up with a logical story and beginning each sentence with a consecutive letter of the alphabet. You made it seem effortless!

The first sentence of the story captured my attention, and I liked it more with each sentence. I am still dumbfounded that you created such an excellent story in this manner. You created an interesting plot, interesting scenes and interesting characters. I especially like the way the story ended with the detectives, and you did an exceptional job of choosing the perfect words to begin each sentence. Amazing job!!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I wish I could offer you some useful suggestions for improvement, but I think this story is perfect as-is. Grammar, spelling, and punctuation are flawless.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this terrific story. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you had a wonderful 14th WDC anniversary.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
55
55
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I dropped by your port for an anniversary review, and the title of this story caught my eye. While I'm a sucker for a good horror story, I also enjoy comedy, and I wondered how you could create a funny piece with that title. I must say that you did a great job!

First person narration was a good choice for this piece, and I really enjoyed the sarcasm in the story. The characters in the story were believable, and you did a good job of describing the scenes. I could easily picture the horrific result of poor Rocco's mistake. I hate to say it, but the ending was a bit anticlimactic for me. I was expecting Rocco or Chuckie to lose his job or suffer a tongue lashing from the director, so when he merely made the suggestion at the end, I was disappointed.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the second sentence, the comma after "file" should be changed to a semicolon.

In the first sentence of the second paragraph, the second "that" should be omitted; it's repetitive since you already used the word once in the sentence.

In the first sentence of the third paragraph, "in" should be omitted, because using "into" a few words later is sufficient.

In the fourth paragraph, you refer to the "Carpenters shop," but in the subsequent paragraphs, you refer to it as the "Carpenter shop." I suggest changing it to "Carpenter shop" in the fourth paragraph to make it consistent throughout.

In the last sentence of the fifth paragraph, I would change "lawn and leaf bag inside containing the three fresh fish" to "lawn and leaf bag containing the three fish inside".


*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short, humorous story. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you had a wonderful 18th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
56
56
Review of False Arrest  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I dropped by your port for an anniversary review and had a hard time choosing between all of the interesting titles of your short stories. I ultimately chose this one, because it didn't have any ratings. I'm glad I did, because I really enjoyed it.

I live in West Virginia (and I went to Marshall University - I see in your handle that you are there), so this story was even more interesting to me. I could easily imagine a scenario such as the one in your story actually happening. I was pulled over once in OH while I was in law school, because the cops were looking for a vehicle similar to mine, but, luckily, the officer let me go right away.

First person narration was a good choice for this piece, and it was easy for me to empathize with the narrator. I think the story was a bit humorous, and I think you should consider changing one of the "other" genres to "comedy". I did find it a bit difficult to believe that the officer would return the marijuana to the narrator, as anytime an officer pulls you over for any reason, he has the right to do a pat down search for officer safety. Of course, that's the lawyer in me talking. *Laugh* I was glad to see that the story ended in a positive way.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I noticed a lot of instances where commas were omitted. For instance, there should be a comma after "young" in the first sentence, after "time" in the second sentence, after "did" in the third sentence, and after "hospital" in the fourth sentence.

In the first sentence of the fourth paragraph, "your" should be "you're".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you have a wonderful 6th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
57
57
Review of Emil's Guest  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Wow. I'm still sitting here reeling five minutes after finishing this story. If I had to rate Emil as a person, the stars would be in the negative. But you did a terrific job of telling this morbid tale, so I have to give you credit. You also provided a nice author's note at the beginning as a bit of a warning to the reader. And I don't think I could have handled the story from the guest's point of view.

I love dark, horror tales, but some things still blow my mind. This is one of those things. As I began reading, I had a good idea that the dinner was the meat of a human. I have read similar stories and seen movies where that was the case. So, I was set to give the story a 4 or no higher than a 4.5 for lack of originality. But the ending blew that out of the water. It was horrible, and I can't unread it! But, again, I have to give you props for your writing skills!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I suggest that, instead of having "death" listed twice as a genre, you change one of them to "dark". This story would definitely fit that genre as well, and it could result in more exposure.

Since the story is told in past tense, I suggest changing "He understands" near the end of the story to "He understood."

Grammar, spelling, and punctuation were flawless. You tended to use semicolons more than I'm used to, but they were all used correctly.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this story. I like your writing style (if not your character), and I will definitely be dropping by your port again. I hope you had a wonderful 4th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
58
58
Review of A Single Tear  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Sum1 ! I'm OOT™ and I'm honored to review your work on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

My Thoughts: I'm so used to your daily smiles making me laugh, it would be easy to forget what an excellent writer you are if I didn't read your stories and poems every now and then. This is another piece that brought tears to my eyes when I read it. I loved everything about this poem, from the first line to the last. And I especially liked the way the poem came full circle, ending with the same line that it began.

I'm sure that many readers will be able to relate to the losses suffered by the woman in the poem, and any reader can empathize with her plight. I'm glad she changed her mind in the end. Although the poem made me a bit sad, it left me feeling hopeful.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I think the poem was perfect, but if I had to make a suggestion, it would be to consider changing "none" in the last line of the eighth verse to "no one". I read the poem out loud, and "no one" seemed to flow a little more smoothly.

And keep writing! It makes me so happy that you have been writing a little more lately. Your gift is too precious not to share!

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for providing another terrific read. As always, it was a pleasure visiting your port, and I assure you I will be back soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
59
59
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: You have a terrific idea for a story here, and I would love to see you expand it. I noticed in the description that you stated it's only the beginning, and it saddens me to see that you haven't worked on it since 2011. I know that life gets in the way...I have just returned to the site myself after an extended absence. But I see such potential in this short piece, and I urge you to continue with the storyline!

Your idea for a plot is rather original, and I think the "Utopian City" is something that could actually happen, which makes the story even more interesting. First person narration was a good idea for a story such as this, and the blurb you have written so far makes me want to read more.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: "Beginning" is spelled incorrectly in the description.

In the first line, you didn't space after the comma. There are numerous run-on sentences and instances where there's a comma when there should be a period. For example, in the first paragraph, the comma after "home" should be a period, and "My father..." should be a new sentence. Also, when you begin that paragraph, you state that you're the son of a legend, but when you go on to say "one of four people...", it seems as though you're saying that you are one of four people rather than your father. You could remedy this by changing the comma after "wastelands" to a period and starting a new sentence with, "He was one of four people..."

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: This is a good start to a story that would be even better after a thorough edit. Should you decide to do so, I would be glad to check it out again afterward. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you had a wonderful 9th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
60
60
Review of Piracy  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I decided to drop by your port for an anniversary review, and this little story caught my eye. I loved it! As an attorney, I can fully appreciate the ridiculous penalties for certain crimes such as piracy. I actually chuckled out loud as I read this, because you capture that perfectly.

I love your writing style, and I imagine that you are quite sarcastic (which I view as a good trait). First person narration worked well for this piece, and I love the three examples you gave. Putting yourself in there as the third example was fantastic.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: The last sentence of the second paragraph should either be: "So what?" you ask. or even So what? you ask. But the question mark should be at the end of the actual question (So what?) instead of at the end of the sentence.

As evidenced by the 5 star rating, this did not detract from my enjoyment of the story.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this satirical little story. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I will definitely be dropping by your port again soon. I hope you have a wonderful 5th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
61
61
Review of At the Altar  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Oh how I loved and miss the 55 word story contest! You did a great job with this one. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and meaningful story using only 55 words, but you made it seem effortless. The plot was somewhat original, and I was happy to see the narrator bounce back so quickly after she was rejected at the altar.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: The sequel (which is spelled incorrectly) comes up as "Invalid Item," so I would suggest deleting this link from the end.

It was a bit of a sticking point for me that Peter said he doesn't know who he is, but the narrator told him that she knew what he was. I suggest possibly changing "I know what you are" to "I know who you are".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this little gem. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you had a wonderful 12th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
62
62
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I dropped by your port for an anniversary review, and I chose this story, because the title and description caught my eye. I also love the horror genre, so this story was right up my alley.

You packed a lot of story into such a short piece! I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and meaningful story using few words, and you did a good job here. First person narration was a good choice, and you provided enough information about the narrator to allow the reader to form an opinion of him - in my case, I disliked him immensely. *Laugh* I love stories that end with a twist, and the ending caught me totally by surprise. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: Since you only have "horror/scary" listed as the genre, I suggest that you add "dark" as well. I love both genres, and I think this would qualify as both and would likely result in more views.

Your grammar, spelling, and punctuation were flawless, but I would have liked to have seen more showing than telling. I know that's a bit ambiguous, so I'll try to give you an example.

These three sentences told me a lot: "There was no pain in the beginning. When it came though, it came fast and hard. Searing pain surged through my abdomen, and I knew it was bad." but they didn't make me feel. How about something like, "I felt nothing at first, but before I could thank my lucky stars, I was suddenly blinded by red-hot pain searing through my abdomen." It essentially conveys the same information in a more concise and dramatic way.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this dark little tale. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you had/have a wonderful 15th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
63
63
Review of Resignation  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I decided to drop by your port to celebrate your 14th WDC anniversary with a review, and there was so much to choose from, I had trouble deciding. I found this little gem in a Halloween folder. I love the horror and dark genres, so I was trying to find something along those lines. I also love comedy, and this story was right up my alley. It's always good to end a Friday work day with a chuckle.

The story's title and description drew me in, and I was anxious to see why Belinda didn't want to be a witch. First person narration was the perfect choice for this piece, and you grabbed my attention with the first few lines and maintained it throughout. The plot was original, and I found myself chuckling several times at poor Belinda's expense. She had a great reason for not wanting to be a witch! *Laugh*

The follow-up at the end of the story was also a great idea. I'm glad everything worked out so well. lol I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a meaningful piece with a stringent word limit, but you made it seem effortless here. Great job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: Other than Belinda's admitted typos, I saw no errors in grammar, spelling, or punctuation. I would love to be able to offer a suggestion for improvement, but I think the story is perfect as-is.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall:Thank you for sharing this humorous little story. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you have a wonderful 14th WDC anniversary.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
64
64
Review of Conflicted  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I wanted to drop by your port and give you a review for your first WDC anniversary. Although I normally shy away from poetry, I decided to review this poem, because I noticed a spelling error in the description and thought I may be able to provide some useful suggestions for improvement. So, here I am!

You packed a great deal of emotion into such a short piece. The title was fitting, and I particularly liked the contradicting feelings of the narrator in this poem. I was glad to see that, despite the apparent heartbreak, the narrator still appreciated the good things that had come from the relationship. Good job.

I was on the fence about the line "tears fled down my face," because fleeing is an unusual way to describe tears. In the end, though, I decided that I liked the unusual description.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: The word "surrounding" is spelled incorrectly in the description.

In the second line, "My hearts broken" should be "My heart's broken".

There should be a period after "insane".

I suggest changing "the say of your name" to "the mention of your name".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this emotional poem. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you had a wonderful 1st WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
65
65
Review of Her Beauty  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I wanted to drop by and send you an anniversary review, and I chose this piece, because I was intrigued by the title and the description. I'm glad I did. I enjoyed the progression of the piece, and I could feel the change in mood as I read.

I particularly liked these lines:

"In Rivulet's Of Crimson
She Shares Her Beauty"

I think, by this time, the piece had taken on a darker mood, and I could almost feel the angst in those words. Great job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I think the piece would read more fluidly if you used punctuation. There were a couple of times that I had to re-read a verse, because I wasn't sure where one thought ended and another began.

I was unsure why you chose to capitalize certain words and seemed to do so randomly. I suggest editing to get rid of any unnecessary capitalizations.

The word "shares" should never have an apostrophe. I suggest getting rid of the few instances where you added one. The apostrophes should be omitted from "sees", "says" and "Rivulets".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this piece. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you had a wonderful 10th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
66
66
Review of Disappointment  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Monochrome ! I'm OOT™ and I'm honored to review your work on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

My Thoughts: I realized I hadn't dropped by your port in awhile, so here I am. Look at you winning all these contests! I am so proud of you, and I hope it has boosted your confidence!

I don't normally review poetry, because it's out of my comfort zone, but I couldn't resist reviewing this piece. It's excellent! I could feel the depth of your despair as I read the poem. You chose your words carefully for the utmost emotional impact, and it was obvious. I can easily see how this poem placed in the contest!

I particularly like the way you start the poem: being on a street alone. That prepares the reader for the isolation the narrator is feeling. I could easily imagine the scene and empathize with the narrator. The last verse was my favorite, finally letting the reader in on what has caused the narrator such great despair. I am very impressed with the words you chose and the vivid picture you painted with this poem!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the last line of the third verse, I suggest that you consider changing "they" to "my eyes". As it is, it appears as though you're saying the tears get sore, but it would make more sense to say that holding the tears back makes your eyes sore.

I would omit the word "at" in the first line of the fourth verse. In the third line of that verse, I don't believe that "recall" is the best word choice. How about using "want", "wish" or "desire" instead? The word "recall" implies that it's all you remember, but I believe you're trying to say it's all you want.

In this line, "Words that you believe hurt no one as deep but you," I would suggest changing "but" to "as". Another possibility would be to omit "as deep," and merely saying, "Words that you believe hurt no one but you."

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: As always, it was a pleasure reviewing your work and seeing your continual growth as an author. I commend you for putting yourself out there and taking advantage of all of WDC has to offer. And congratulations on the win with this poem! You truly deserved it! I will definitely be dropping by your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
67
67
Review of Ruthless  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Jacky ! I'm OOT™ and I'm honored to review your work on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

My Thoughts: I chose this story, because it popped up on the random review tool, and I'm glad I did. I love flash fiction, and I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a meaningful and complete story with a limited word count. You made it seem effortless here! You did a terrific job of describing Cindy's personality and her bad attitude that ultimately led to her death. As I have encountered many people with similar personalities, it was difficult for me to empathize with her plight.

I love stories in the dark genre, and this one would easily qualify with the ending you chose. Since you have listed 2 of the 3 genres listed as "other", I believe you could get more readers if you changed one of them to "dark". You could even go with "horror" for another genre. After all, it's horrific what happened to Cindy. *Laugh*

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I suggest that you change the description to give the reader a hint as to what to expect from the story. It is easy to tell by the size of the piece that it's going to be flash fiction.

I suggest that you edit the piece and change some of the commas to periods or even semicolons. As it stands you have numerous run-on sentences, separated by numerous commas, making for a bit of a jumbled read. For example:

"It was windy, she’d planned to trim that tree last week, but never got around to it. That was when she was working at Billows, that was fun."

I suggest changing the comma after "windy" to a comma. The comma after "week" isn't necessary and should be omitted. I would change the comma after "Billows" to a semicolon.

There are numerous similar sentences throughout this piece, and it simply isn't grammatically correct to separate 2 complete sentences with a comma.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: I'm glad I wandered across this little gem. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
68
68
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I decided to read this story, because I was intrigued by the title, and I wanted to know what wouldn't remain forever. I ended up enjoying the story. Although the piece was relatively short, you did a great job of taking the reader through random events of the characters' lives in order for David to learn a valuable lesson.

I was a bit confused because David kept concluding that Sam wanted to go or be somewhere else because of his insistence that nothing remains or lasts forever. (As I read, I kept thinking that the word "lasts" would be more appropriate for the narrator's purpose than "remains"). I never got the feeling that Sam wasn't happy where he was or yearned for something more; it appeared to me that he just realized that life changes.

I think this story serves as a reminder to us all that we don't know what life has in store for us. No matter the riches we acquire in this life, we can't take them with us when we go. I particularly like the way that David finally realized that at the end after years of looking for answers.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First, I would suggest changing the description to give the reader a hint as to what the story is about rather than repeating the title. Maybe something like "A man learns a valuable lesson from his friend".

I could tell that English isn't your first language when I read this piece. You shouldn't use apostrophes unless you're showing possession or shortening two words for a contraction. In that regard, all of the apostrophes in the word "friends" in the piece should be omitted. All of the instances of "an other" should be changed to "another" and the instances of "for ever" should be changed to "forever".

Translating from one language to another does not always provide a smooth read. One of the most obvious things I see is errors in word placement. For instance, "in the time when traveling was only by feet possible." This sentence would be clearer as "in the time when traveling was only possible by feet."

Be sure to space after each period before starting another sentence. I saw a few instances in which you didn't, and it makes reading the story more difficult. I also noticed a few instances where you didn't space after a comma, and the same advice applies.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: This is an interesting short story that could be even better after a thorough edit. Should you decide to do so, I would be glad to drop by your port again and review the edited piece. Regardless, thank you for sharing, and I hope you have a wonderful 13th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
69
69
Review of Trapped  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I chose to read this story, because I was intrigued by the title, and I saw that it was written rather recently. I'm glad I did. It was terrific! I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a comprehensive and meaningful story using 300 words or less (especially with the use of prompt words), but you made it seem effortless here!

This story really hit home for me, because I have lost both of my parents within the last few years, and both of them suffered dementia prior to their deaths. They were trapped in their own minds. As the story began, I pictured a young woman waiting rather impatiently for her husband to get home, but as it progressed, the picture became clearer. This short piece packed quite an emotional punch for me, and I had tears in my eyes as I finished reading. I imagine that you won the contest with this little gem, because I can't imagine another author creating a better story from the given prompt words. You did a fantastic job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I suggest changing the description to give the reader a hint as to what to expect from the story. You could always add a small blurb at the end of the story, letting the reader know the contest it was written for and the prompt words. Also, I would suggest adding more genres so the story will appear in more searches. I suggest "drama", maybe "family".

"A tear slides down her cheek..."

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this terrific short story. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you had a wonderful 8th WDC Anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
70
70
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I chose this piece to review, because I love the dark genre, and the fact that it's a true story makes it even better. It sounds as though you have been through some terrifying events! While I like the thought of a good ghost story, I'm sure it loses its appeal when it happens to you! From the sound of things, you have handled everything much better than I believe I could.

This was a good piece, but I think you could make it so much better if you elaborated on how each episode made you feel. As it is right now, you quickly go through numerous scenarios, just touching on paranormal things that you have experienced, and moving right on to the next without really giving the reader time to experience and process the last. I wanted to feel frightened or spooked, but the piece moved so quickly, I didn't have sufficient time to process each scenario.

I'd love to see you expand this piece to focus more on each particular event. Seeing the man in the trench coat changed your life forever. You established that. But why? How? Yes, I understand how something like that could affect you, but I didn't get that understanding while reading the piece. Were you horrified? Did it cause nightmares? I believe that saying something changed your life forever requires more follow-up.

I would also like to hear more about the incidents causing you to want to hurt people. That revelation has so much potential, but you just let it go at that. Who did you want to hurt? Did you actually plan what you would do to them? And how would sleeping downstairs curb these wicked desires? Did the thoughts only occur when you were in that particular bed?

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I noticed a lot of instances where commas were omitted. Some examples:

"For as long as I can remember, I have seen..."

"we moved into my dad's house, and I was scared"

"I pointed him out, but mom..."

"Hop through time, and I am a teenager..."

"As a young adult, dad buys me..."

I stumbled over this sentence: "She took my hand and we walked through the house showing me it was safe." I think it would read better as "She took my hand and walked with me through the house to show me it was safe."

"As we walked into the back room which was huge and turned into my dad's office/ computer room/ sitting area/ moms sewing corner." is a really long sentence, but it is incomplete as it lacks a verb. Also, "moms sewing corner" should be "mom's sewing corner. I noticed a few other instances were apostrophe's should be inserted to properly show possession or for contractions. For example, "nothing's there." "She's passed out." "Nothing's in the house."

"and letting my arm or leg hanging off the bed..."

When you're telling what the friend said about you being sensitive to spirits, the words said should be in quotation marks.

Since you're telling the story in past tense, "the man in the hat makes made another appearance..."

This sentence is a run-on sentence: "I was going to the store late at night, walking to my car it was like I was outside of my body looking at the house." It could be remedied by ending the sentence with "car" and starting a new sentence with "It was like..."

"Things moving on their own..."

In the last few paragraphs, it seems as though you were trying to get everything out in a hurry, so you just sort of jumbled your thoughts. There were incomplete sentences and thoughts. I suggest expanding on these paragraphs a bit to make them more clearer and grammatically correct. I also believe an expansion and revisions would result in the piece having a greater impact on the reader.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this haunted little rant. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. Should you decide to expand this piece, I would love to read the updated version. I hope you had a wonderful 1st WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
71
71
Review of Dumb Idea  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I wouldn't consider myself a fan of science fiction, but I wanted to send you an anniversary review, and you seem to be a writer of mostly science fiction, so here I am. I chose this story, because the title and description caught my eye. I'm glad I did, because I really enjoyed it! I know from experience how difficult it can be writing a meaningful story with 500 words or less, but you made it seem effortless.

I immediately became interested in the story, and you held my attention throughout. You have a great writing style, and I could easily picture the scenes that you described. I particularly liked the vivid description when Billy first encountered the room, alive with electricity. I could almost feel the little hairs on my arms raise just as Billy's did.

You also managed to convey a lot of emotions in such a short piece, from the comfortable atmosphere of the kitchen to the mystery in the basement. That evoked a bit of fear, followed by sadness and finally hope. The password was well chosen as the title, and I like the way the story ended on a happy note.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I comma should be inserted in this sentence, "The doorknob shocked his hand, and he jerked it back."

I saw no further errors in grammar, spelling, or punctuation. Great job!

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this excellent little story. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you had a wonderful 13th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
72
72
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: The title of this piece intrigued me, and I was anxious to find out how you came to be a one-handed writer. Although that question was not answered, I enjoyed the piece. I could sympathize with your predicament, as there have been a couple of times in my life during which a had extreme difficulty typing - first, a broken left hand and then recovering from mini-strokes. You did a great job of describing the frustrations both you and others feel.

I would be interested in knowing if you have always been a one-handed writer or if something happened during your lifetime to make you that way. I commend you for your positive attitude and for not giving up. I can tell by the positivity of the piece that you're an optimistic fighter, and that's an inspiration to us all. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: You put a period after the first line, but it should have been a comma.

"writing" is spelled incorrectly in the second line.

I suggest inserting a semicolon after "with me" in the fifth line. Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence.

"frate train" should be "freight train"

"take to long" should be "take too long"

There are a couple of instances where you added an apostrophe in "writes", but neither should be there. It should simply be "writes," not "write's".

"It maybe morning night or noon" should be "It may be morning, night, or noon".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this little biographical piece. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you have a wonderful 8th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
73
73
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: You have a really good idea for a story here. The character is interesting, and I believe I would enjoy reading more about her. However, I gave the piece a rating of 3.0 because of the number of misspelled words in such a short piece, beginning with two words misspelled in the description. Almost all of the misspellings could have been prevented with the use of spellcheck.

The title is interesting and catchy, but there should be a comma inserted after "Trees." An alternative would be rearranging the title to "She Swayed with the Trees." You did a good job of giving a great deal of information about the character in a short space. I particularly like the way you ended the piece, and centering the last sentence made it stand out and made me want to read more.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the description of the piece, "Excerpt" and "merely" are spelled incorrectly, and "its" should be "it's" since you're using it as a contraction for "it is."

In the first sentence, "layed" should be "laid".

In the fourth paragraph, "surely" is spelled incorrectly.

In the next paragraph, "wasnt" should be "wasn't".

In the last paragraph, "whispered" is spelled incorrectly.

I think you used too many ellipses in such a short piece. I suggest omitting most, if not all, of them.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: This was a good excerpt that would be much better after a thorough edit. I would also like to see more added to the story. As I said earlier, the idea is interesting, and I think could be an interesting short story. I hope you had a wonderful 12th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
74
74
Review of The Lovers  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I chose this story, because I was intrigued by the title and the description. I'm glad I did! As I was reading, I kept thinking that surely Robert and Linda could choose a better way to inform Darren of their ongoing affair! I mean, to rub it in his face so blatantly?! But at the end of the story, I learned the truth, and everything became clear. Wow! I love stories with a twist, and this one was great!

After I learned the truth, I read the story again, and everything made so much more sense. The setting was perfect, the characters were perfect, and the ending was spectacular! This would be a great story to enter in the Twisted Tales contest or something similar.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I suggest that you skip lines between paragraphs. It would make the story easier to read as well as more visually appealing. I also noted numerous instances of omitted commas. Some examples are:

"this time, I will be able"

"however, I know there is no way"

"For the past seven years, the two of them"

"When her husband returned from the war, it became apparent"

"In his eyes, she could see the pain"

"Every day, he follows his wife" I think "follows" should be "followed" since the rest of the story is told in past tense.

"Today, Linda told Darren to meet her"

"In the distance, a barge moved"

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this terrific short story. It was a pleasure to read and review, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you had a wonderful 6th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
75
75
Review of Snakes  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


*HeartV* *Butterfly2P* *rainbow**Rainbowr* *Butterfly2P* *HeartV*
A February
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Raid Review!
*HeartW* *HeartV* *Hug1**hug**Hug2* *HeartV* *Heartw*
*Candy1* *rainbow**Rainbowr* *Candy3*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and meaningful story using few words, but you made it seem effortless here. Your story was all too real, because I know there are people who suffer from such delusions. First person narration was the perfect choice for this piece, and you did a terrific job of describing how one suffering from such delusions must feel. This little story made me thankful for the mental stability that I do have and was a good reminder that many aren't so fortunate. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the first paragraph, I would change the comma after "My husband must have put it there to a semicolon. You shouldn't have two sentences separated by a comma. Same with the following sentence - the comma after "showers" should be changed to a semicolon.

I know I'm focusing on unnecessary details, but I found it strange that the food was crawling with maggots instead of snakes. After all, the rest of the story was about the narrator's delusions that snakes were everywhere.

Another stumbling point for me was the narrator's declaration that she was going to die because she hadn't had anything to eat or drink in thirteen days, so she was dying. I think it was established in the previous paragraphs that she was hospitalized (and catharized). So, wouldn't the physicians be providing nutrition through IV's and/or a feeding tube?

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. I enjoyed reading and reviewing it, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon. I hope you have a wonderful 13th WDC anniversary!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Created by Amanda


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
553 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 23 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/outoftouch/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/3