Hello Pen, the title about the mask speaks to each of us about how we present ourselves to the world. In your poem you share about how a mask is untruth until "your true self one day, you've outgrown. I think your message radiates thinking of others more than oneself and the consequences of doing that. It is from the real self one can be most authentically present not only to self but others, with or without a mask.
Impressions: I tend to think we need masks to be safe. I think life is deciding when to wear them and at what times to risk putting them aside and finding out who I really am.
thanks, God bless
Hello BlackEmily, I love the way you chant as you write. I experience someone in touch on a soul level. Your poem is a tribute to love and various sign posts the way. In your case it was a witness to how others found love. You share that it was like a punch and over time you found out it was the best story of love!
Suggestions/impressions: You have a gift and I hate to think I could upset what you are wanting to share. I like your brogue and the way it communicates who you are to those you love most. My critique is to find a way to make the rhyme more consistent unless you want free verse which is fine.
An example
I cried, I laughed, I wished, I cried, I laughed, I wished
That my story could flow as these; Thank my story could flow like this
That I could feel the warm, soft breeze, That I could feel the warm, soft breeze
And pain I feel the least. And feel the pain for the least of these
thanks and god bless
I like most of all that you offer simple in depth reflections on the various experiences that touch your inner being. I read only a few of your entries. There is the one that mentioned Stark Park. I am curious about what it looks like. I especially like your entry about the book for impaired children. Thanks for the time you put into the art of reflecting!!
I love the opening verse from Socrates that you back up with your own mindful impressions BlackEmily. It has a real dark quality to it. The story reads like it is you, yourself sharing what it is like to speak "devilish" and end up dying in a rocket ship manner. There are some difficult grammatical expressions. An example:
I am trapped.
Until they got my heart and cut into pieces.; they chopped all parts of my body and thrown into the dirtiest river.
I am so strong that I was still alive.
Another way to say it.
I was trapped. They got my heart and cut it into pieces. They chopped up all the parts of my body and threw them in the dirtiest river. I was so strong that I am still alive to tell the tale.
thanks
Hello Black Emily, you offer a very powerful piece that describes how a person comes to grips with how to survive the death of a loved one. I was most of all hooked to the opening. The beloved died in his sleep. Just before that there was a tiff that said he could not make her happy and an insinuation that "I" accused him of cheating. Your resolution is admirable
He (God) shows me what it really feels without the person who always loves and understands you...that I must appreciate the person He sends me to make my life more meaningful and worthy.
I believe the subject of the story is a little hard on themselves near the end until we see them hand in hand with a balloon in the other hand.
thanks, I was touched. Watch out for typos.
I love the punch line John Nation. I had already read it and was glad to read it a second time. It remind me of all the crazy new improvements on computers and who knows what else. You have spoken eloquently to the issue of what happens to investments into that which is the "it" for any one generation. My grandmother thought airplane were it, when she was alive forty years ago. Now we are off and running after the next coronation of a device/robot.
Two blindingly white beams left 7's eyes and in seconds 6 was destroyed.
"Would you gentlemen open the furnace door for me, please?" 7 asked. "I will dispose of her for you."
Mike opened the door and he and Roy stood on each side of it as 7 tossed what remained of DTH-6 into the incinerator.
After the last part of DTH-6 was in the incinerator, DTH-7 said, "While we are at it, let's put you two in there also."
Neither man had time to react before DTH-7 had a head in each hand. Their skulls caved in like an egg thrown against a brick wall. She shoved the bodies into the incinerator and started the burners. Then she picked up the phone.
The only thing for sure is that Humans are obsolete even as the flames in the incinerator grow that much hotter.
thanks
Hello Sara, thanks for the memories. I can relate a bit. My mom loved to play the organ as we were sleeping. I can imagine an experience like this would stay with a person even if the key players were gone. Mom is on the piano, Dad played the Bass, and Uncle Amos played the guitar. With that in mind the memory is rekindled as the three join as one by the coat tree waiting for others to resume the concert well into the night.
Thanks and God bless.
Hello prosperous Snow, Thanks for image and experience of winter around the time of New Years. There is the mysterious owl seeking food in the cloak of night and then there are weeping winds, warning of blizzards and the Nuance of celebration of the holiday amidst moonlit dancing. I experienced an invitation of welcome gladness. It is worth the search and time to be at the birth of New Year.
thanks
The Santa Clause movie immediately came to mind. I enjoyed the experience of wondering what a Santa world was like. Even Santa needs help! The sleigh ride took me over scenic places where children all over the world were helped.
Impressions/suggestions: I was not sure what was real and unreal in you Santa land. Santa finished rounds after it appeared like Jim had made rounds. I loved the reference to Santa getting the flu and Jim getting a poetry book. I was joyfully entertained.
The Santa Clause movie immediately came to mind. I enjoyed the experience of wondering what a Santa world was like. Even Santa needs help! The sleigh ride took me over scenic places where children all over the world were helped.
Impressions/suggestions: I was not sure what was real and unreal in you Santa land. Santa finished rounds after it appeared like Jim had made rounds. I loved the reference to Santa getting the flu and Jim getting a poetry book. I was joyfully entertained.
Hello John thank you for the orchestral intimations. I feel like I am there as the Oak develops in the wood from the seed to a more adult phase that is able to glean perspective from all that takes place including the embrace of others like him/herself.
Impressions: I like how you used sounds like "boom" to describe the thunder from the tree's perception. It was more distant when you talked about thunder from this same kind of vantage point. I question how you arrive at all the female personages in nature. (mother nature?). I feel left out even if my oak seed is out there somewhere. Above all entertaining.
Thanks!
Hello Maria, I wish I had a good answer to your question. I too have bipolar. I am glad that you are learning some lessons in the midst of having to deal with it. You are learning compassion, respect for others, what it means to be a Christian. I celebrate that you are working on you own answer to the question with a sense of humility and grace. God loves everyone and my guess is quite a lot of biblical characters would be diagnosed as bipolar. You have to realize that the diagnosis happened long after that. There is literature about how famous people like Lincoln had bipolar.
Hello A Laugh in The Dark, I was intrigued reading about your whimsy as it related to parenting and life. There is a man who unintentionally scares a child. He feels awful and tries to make the best of a difficult situation.
impressions: it gets offensive to me when a child is called a meat bag. There are also some typos. Early on "dreary", not deary. I have no question you know what you are saying. I am just sharing my perception. Help me to know what a kid is doing there. Where are his parents? Who is this guy?
thanks for sharing, keep writing
Hello Ophelia, I enjoyed reading how one could redeem something from such an awkward moment. Polly falls in love with her best friend's brother, only to find out that he already has a girlfriend. He introduces her to music that will never go out of style and in the course of listening find Rock Gods who could sing the blues away.
thanks and God bless
Hello C Fowler, It was a very intense foray into the unknown. After 36 hours of surgery, I am not sure anyone could stay awake. I get a good picture of what happened. I am just not too sure whether it warrants losing sleep. The climax is that a patient codes and after that our surgeon friend is pondering his fate.
I experience it all as crazy. Part of me wants to stay on and the other part of me wants to get out of the OR before it is too late.
thanks
Hello Nikola, an intriguing invitation into a world that only true lovers know. I liked the observer feel at the beginning and then it felt like it was time for a little adventure. The metaphor of the raft invites us to jump into out own script and learn that whatever we bring with us (in this case stilleto's) is another way of preparing us for the ride ahead.
Suggestions/impressions: I was a bit puzzled in the change from first to third person. I am guessing this changed when he showed up. In that sense they became a part of another story apart from what she had been seeing.
thanks
Hello Lovermusify, I find myself intrigued by the mystical meaning of incantation. You provide a hook that invokes flames of passion lit in long streaming veins of blood, which indicate that the heart is stirred. In the midst of brokenness the hope of a breeze to whisper the way back.
Impressions/suggestions: I am not sure about the added meaning of wings and vines unless they speak about what the incantation can do or even where it may come from. I think this is a key point in delivering on your opening hook. I find myself searching to figure out what is going on.
thanks
Hello anagrah, thank you for your honesty. You express in words what a lot of us feel. Out of brokenness and darkness is a need for someone to pick up the pieces in order that wholeness can happen. The parts about shame, craziness and idiocy are elements I can relate to.
Suggestions/impressions: I think that to the extent that we know this stranger we allow ourselves to be welcomed into the human family. We can use the connection with others, so that all of us together can work at picking up the broken pieces of our life and become more whole.
thanks and God bless
Hello anagrah, I think the more vicious screams are the ones that are hidden like a volcano that is on the verge of erupting. I like the imagery used to communicate your belief. There is facade and a hook just waiting for the top to come off. You offer a high road in the infantile smile. What really goes on is in the mind and heart of the disabuser.
Impressions/suggestions:
I doubt that this can be hidden very well. My dad had this kind of character and the mask could only hold up so long until he lost it. Sometimes quiet screaming is an excuse for not being honest with self or other.
thanks
Hello Silas that you for sharing "My poem". In the course of hearing goodbye in the personage of the wind, there is the vision of a woman walking toward death's door looking forward to a sad sad death.
Suggestions/impressions: It has some depth in the sense of taking one down to a graveyard plot. The title needs to be better connected to the poem, so that I can look forward to reading the message. Maybe a title could be "Goodbye". It would also help to have your character map clearer. I can see the woman, who is the narrator in relationship to her. The sad sad death seems vague, maybe tragic or traumatic.
Thanks for sharing
Hello Atroy84, you offer a good illustration to the fact that appearances can be decieving. The beggar on the outside who seems unfortunate and outcast is in the role of a CEO of a big corporation. We can not hide underneath the trappings of who we claim to be. The emptiness is too apparent. There is begging for joy, sleepless nights, sliding down walls and a constant identity crisis that makes the man at the hot dog stand the real boss.
Suggestions: I get confused in places. I am not sure what the reference to sliding down buildings is all about. It is not always clear who is the beggar in this tale. Are we all beggars? I doubt that is what you are saying.
Thanks
Hello Fowler, I was taken on a wild ride by this story. I see in the beginning of the story an invitation into a poison ivy minefield by Steve's wife Teri. As the story progresses Steve gets closer to his "wife" and in a bit of irony finds himself in a dialogue saying I do and I didn't leading to a plea for an annulment and need for Benadryl.
Suggestions: I get lost in knowing what brought him to this place in the first place. There is also the matter of Teri being nude with another man. There is a lot more itching to know that there appears to be on the surface.
Thanks
Hello renee marx, I enjoyed the reenvisioning of the Cheshire cat. The cat is seen as displaced keeper of wisdom. On the outside the cat look happy, laughing at the pain. On the inside the cat is fearful. What is seen on the outside is a coverup for what ever wisdom and compassion lies within.
Impression: I experience mostly fear. The elements of anger and loss come across as venting over that which makes one feel out of control.
Thanks and God bless
Hello Turtlemoon, an offering of an aroma cast into the sea captured by the beloved, which like a lure seeks to catch a presence (fish) worth waiting for. I loved the potential for metaphor that this poem stirs. There is a pleasing aroma that attracts another, along with a note that offers one's heart enclosed in a bottle. Upon opening one's thirst is slaked and hunger to connect with the sender is at a peak. I like the depth of imagery as usual.
An intended journey, silent and reverent,
awakened and encouraged by moonlight's
shimmering water song sent lovingly.
I accept an invitation to a sacred place and once there I am not disappointed.
thanks
Hello Bailey, I feel like I am thrown into an existential pit. There is the consideration of no voice, happy ending, love and direction. I starve for some semblance of people presence. Instead disaster is imminent and there is nothing you or anyone else can do to stop it.
Suggestion/impression: Maybe disaster is not such a bad thing if it reminds one of how important those things are and ever will be.
thanks
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/peterson4279/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/27
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.89 seconds at 9:22pm on Jun 01, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
