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1,392 Public Reviews Given
2,269 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
In depth, detailed, and honest. I always point out the things I enjoyed most about an item, highlighting the strengths along with any weaknesses or glitches I might find. To me, it's important to let a writer know how something made you feel and what reactions you had when reading, not just the technical aspects.
I'm good at...
Characterization, punctuation, plot, and grammar.
Favorite Genres
Anything dark and angsty. Horror, erotica, dark dramas are usually my favorites.
Least Favorite Genres
Westerns, Sci-Fi, and comedy.
I will not review...
Poetry and non-fiction. I read these for pleasure alone. I don't know enough about the technicalities to give a decent or useful review. Any comments I send are always just based on my personal reactions as a reader.
Public Reviews
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Interesting story about a woman's struggle with alcohol. We watch as her mind engages her in a frantic tango, torn between the comforts of booze and the promise of something much more alluring. Addictions have a way of consuming people and you show that obsessive allure well with this story.

Below are a few thoughts/suggestions I had as I read. Please bear in mind that these are only my opinons and feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your style and story! *Smile*

*Check1* Her eye's twitched, eyes I think you want the plural sense of the owrd here, not the possessive.

*Check2* Much to her amusement I looked at the fork just to check. amusement, I comma

*Note1* A mirror looking down watching myself come undone, slow and seductive. I found this fragment to be a little confusing as a reader. I stumbled and reread this part twice. You might want to embelish a little more on this to make it clearer. Something like: My disconnected thoughts served as a mirror and I watched myself come undone, slow and seductive. I'm sure you can come up with something better, but that was just an example to show you what I meant by the suggestion.

*Check3* But this time when I woke she was still sleeping But this time, when I woke, she commas

The woman's choppy thoughts make it hard to follow at times, but it does add a certain "voice" to the character. Overall, I found it an enjoyable and thought provoking read!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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Review of The Crimson Rose  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Snow2*Review #4 of 5*Snow2*

Any fan of spine-tingling horror should grab a blanket and curl up with this story. From the start, it reaches out and seizes the reader by the throat—refusing to let go until the unnerving end! Whew, what a ride! *Thumbsup*

Ohh your description of Mallory when her husband bumped the cabinet was astounding! I could picture every detail and i absolutely adored the wording. Pinched features, flared nostrils, and blood dripping like silent rain. That gave me chills!
It is also an excellent turning point in the story, one certain to give the reader a shiver of unease as well. *Thumbsup*

The second segment is equally terrifying. Her "deal" with the old woman sets of loud warning bells, as does Brad's experience when he comes in from mowing the lawn. The suspense builds at a rapid pace, but you keep the mystery going. The reader is helpless in your clutches at this point. What choice do they have but to read on? As for me? I always found dolls of any kind to be creepy. Perhaps this is why!

"but instead of blood, crimson crystals dropped to the bed like hailstones." *Shock* If I have nightmares tonight, it will be all your fault! What a blood curtling line! Eee!

You end this on an amazing note. One that Masters of horror like King and Saul would envy. It also quietly warns of letting ourselves become too wrapped up in our obsession for material things. It is a shame Brad had to suffer too. I loved the line about his mind unraveling like a spool of thread. That is a comparison I had not heard before but seemed so perfect for this chilling tale!

Awesome job. I see no room for improvement, but I do feel an obscene urge to rid my house of figurines!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Snow2*Review #3 of 5*Snow2*

Oh what a powerful story! This one really strikes a poignant note and I found myself aching for a box of Kleenex too. It is tough being a parent. I think much of it is filled with regret. We make choices, thinking at the time that we are doing what is best for our family, for our children. The thing is, no matter how good we do, we will always look back and feel there is room for improvement. I see that in my own mother all the time. She is riddled with regrets and things she wishes she could change. The funny thing is, I swear I had the best parents in the whole world. I still feel that way.

Reading through this story though, I understand where your character was coming from. The one thing he did not give to his family is time. It is a fleeting, yet precious gift and something we can never get back. It's something we all wish we could give more of. His ambitions and priorities got shifted. He wanted to give his family the things he never had, yet robbed them of what they needed most. This caused a rift between him and his wife, and an emotional gap between himself and his oldest son.

They say it is never too late. I do so hope that is the case. It seemed he made a little progress durring the afternoon he spent with his son. What happens next will be entirely on his shoulders. A person can only handle so many disappointements and broken promises before they shut themselves off emotionally.

This was an excellent story, Kiya. One that makes us all want to take a moment to assess our own lives and the priorities we have. A powerful message woven into an emotional story! I don't see how you could possibly improve on that.*Thumbsup*
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Review of Having My Cake  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I, too, had to see what all the fuss was about on the public review page! *Laugh* That saying that curiosity kills the cat comes to mind now!

What a horrific image you've managed to paint and in so few words! I think it will be a while before I want to eat cake again. This was so vivid I could almost feel the march of little feet creeping across my skin. And the end *Shock*. On second thought, perhaps it is not wise to sit around with one;s mouth open!

Excellent job on both the writing and the creep factor! *Thumbsup*
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Review of Red and Gold  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a delightful, entertaining story about one woman and how she takes her passion as a fan to the extreme! It not only explores Jane’s obsession, but how it effects her relationship with the people around her. One does not have to be a fan of HP to enjoy this story.

You requested a harsh, in-depth review. I don’t know about harsh, but I will do my best to go in-depth and state my honest opinions. While I hope you find this review helpful, please bear in mind that these are just my opinions and feel free to use or discard them as you feel best suits your vision for the story! Here are my thoughts/suggestions as I read:

*Note1* Jane looked around herself in satisfaction. Herself is unnecessary. If she is looking around, the reader assumes she’s surveying her surroundings.

*Note2* On her chair was draped the traditional red and gold striped scarf. This reads a little awkward from a reader’s perspective. We have to rearrange the sentence. Suggestion: The traditional red and gold striped scarf was draped over her chair.

*Note3* Her roommate had not yet arrived, but was due any moment. If someone is due to arrive, it’s not necessary to say the hadn’t arrived yet.

*Check1* Jane imagined the happy times the two of them would have, discussing Harry Potter trivia, Oliver Wood their favorite couples Oliver Wood, their comma

*Note4* It was not her favorite of the seven books, but she couldn't seem to remember what color dress Hermione This just helps tighten the writing.

*Note5* Jane was so absorbed in the story that she didn't hear the cart coming down the hall. absorbed in the story, she

*Worry* Man, she does have it bad! Talk about obsession! I like how you have laid the framework so far by showing the extent of her HP inFANity. From posters, pillowcases, clothes, this girl has it all. The fact that she has to look up something because she can’t remember a certain dress color really drives that point home. *Thumbsup*

*Note1* “I love them.” She continued chattily. “If you Personally, I would take that part out and just let the conversation flow.

*Check2* What kind of person was she going to be living with?! What would they have in common!! What would they TALK about?!! Avoid using double punctuation marks. Editor’s frown on them. If you want to set something off, italics work nicely on the site. If you do not know how, on the top left side of the WDC screen is a site navigation bar. Click on Site Tools, WritingML Help, and Basic Tags. This will explain how. If you are writing this story as a manuscript and want something italicized, editors usually request you underline any text you want emphasized. It’s easier for their eyes to spot. *Wink*

*Note* She began to panic slightly, Try to avoid adverbs. Sometimes they are unavoidable, but they tend to clutter writing. Most times, the serve as a short cut for writers and can be replaced with a better description or stronger verb. For example: She moved slowly Gives a better sounding visual as She crept —don’t you think? Slight panic made her heart leap might be another way to descibe Jane’s feelings here. I’m sure you can come up with something better than my example. *Smile*

*Thumbsup* Nice visual description here! Her red and gold socks peeked out from under her jeans as she used her feet to push off her shoes. Even her socks are HP themed? *Laugh* What a funny character she is!

*Check3* They got along well enough when Jane deigned to talk on another topic, however, that hadn't happened enough for them to really strike up a friendship yet. topic. However, This can be divided into two sentences to avoid a run on.

*Check4* Who could think of homework at a time like this though." though?” This is a question.

*Question* "Bye Tammy! See you later!" Stacy waved down the hall as she opened the door to her room. It could just be me, but this came so abruptly, I had no idea who Tammy was or where she came from. I went back and reread twice looking for what I missed. It might help to clarify this a bit by saying Stacy waved at her friend down the hall or something to that effect

*Check5* What do you think?" she asked, twirling around in her full Hogwarts school robes. Hogwart’s

*Note1* "You're...wearing...that?" she asked incredulously as she cautiously made her way into the room. Just another example of using adverbs as shortcuts rather than showing the story.

*Check1* "It's so...itchy." she confided. itchy,” she confided.

*Note2* She finished scratching and looked around her once more, trying to see if she'd forgotten anything. Explained this in the beginning.*Wink*

*Question* "Oh, I'm sorry. You go ahead." A pleasant-looking boy said. Pleasant how? What did he look like? As a reader, I want to see, hear, feel, and taste the same things Jane does. These are the connections that draw a reader in and endear them to a story.

*Check2* "Ah." Comprehension filled Travis' face. Travis’s

Oh! *Confused* Ouch! I really felt for Jane when Travis grew cross and rushed away. Then again, I can’t blame him. Maybe this will help her realize her problem. Then again, maybe not! *Laugh*

He didn't even have a favorite Harry Potter book! EVERYONE had a favorite book! *Smirk* Not me. I’ve never read them, though I have watched two of the movies with my son.

*Note3* As the classical music assailed her sense, she slowly fell asleep. You might want to consider rewording this. As it reads it sounds like the classical music attacked her. Assail is a rough word. soothed her senses, maybe?

*Question* The next morning, Jane was slowly woken up by noises in the room. The next morning _____ noises woke Jane. what kind of noise? Rustling, banging, loud, soft?

*Note4* As they touched the floor she shivered a little from the sudden lack of warmth, then went to turn and turned the light on.

*Check1* Slipping it off it's hanger, its It’s is a contraction for it is.

As a reader, I would like some more details about what Jane sees, feels, etc. By fleshing out the character some more, I feel the reader will be able to make an even deeper connection.

Despite the sprawling notes above, (you asked for a harsh, in-depth review) I did enjoy the story! There were times I had to laugh about the extent of her obsession. It was interesting Jane go through her various stages of denial and form a tentative truce with her roommate. In analyzing Jane’s actions, the reader can even come away with a message. Sometimes we all have a habit of getting carried away when it comes to talking about our passions! I hope you continue this story. It will be interesting to see if Jane really is in recovery! *Laugh*

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Review of Ayden & Adonis  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This story spoke to my heart. I love the ill-fated lovers theme and the first couple lines were brilliant, drawing me right in. You have a way with description, painting an enchanting image of Adonis, the alluring nymph. we don't get to see much of Ayden appearance wise, but as the story unravels it becomes clear he is a man with a big heart. Hie beloved needs his help and he is willing to sacrifice everything on her behalf! *Thumbsup*

I did have a few thoughts/suggestions as I read. Please bear in mind these are just the opinions of one reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you wish. You alone are the best judge of what works for your visions!

*Note1* Punctuation. "I mean you no harm. I am an outcast just like you.", he cries Because you attach a tag indicating who is speaking, it should look like this. "I mean you no harm. I am an outcast just like you," he cries See how the comma replaces the period inside the quotation marks?

*Note2* It makes it easier to read and follow if you start a new paragraph whenever the person speaking changes. It also helps prevent the author from having to attach a "he said/she said" tag to every line because it is clear who is speaking.

*Check1* "Wellthen, "Well then, two words

The end felt a little rushed to me as a reader. In that, I mean it would have been nice to have experienced some of Adonis's emotions. Her love just committed the ultimate sacrifice on her behalf. All we really know is that she cried and killed herself. Build the tension, explain what she feels. Guilt? Shame? Did her heart ache, did her throat hurt as the tears built? Adding small details like that help pull the reader in and make them connect with your character on a personal level. The more time you invest in your character's emotions, the more the reader will care.

Overall, It was a good story. As I said, you have the wording down. With a little fleshing out and character depth, it would be amazing. These are my favorite plots. *Smile* Write on!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (4.5)
I can't believe this item had no reviews. That truly saddens me. May I ask why it was deleted at one point?

You convey such powerful images and emotions with your words, my friend. Skimming through your port, your views on the war are clear, but you have managed to write a beautiful tribute to a fallen soldier. A lament from his lover on what would have been his twenty-third birthday.

I felt this woman's heartache and tasted the tears. It takes a strong, brave soul to fight for a cause they believe in and be willing to die for it. I think we all too often forget that the men and women who die on the battlefield are not the only ones who suffer.

The only thing I saw was boy friend. I could be wrong here, but I believe it's boyfriend and twenty-third

Thank you for this raw, intimate look at what remains of a once happy couple.
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Review of Clucking Duck  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (3.5)
Me,

Welcome to WDC! (that may just be my first poem ever~ laughs)

Such a cute title! I love ducks and am so ready for spring! *Heart* You paint an adorable image with your words and I love how this teaches us to embrace each other's differences! It is a valuable lesson for children and adults. More so on those young, impressionable minds!

Below are some thoughts/suggestions as I read. Please bear in mind these are just my opinions and as I already warned, I'm no poet! Feel free to use or ignore them as you wish. You are the best judge of what works for your poem!

*Check1* They've been there since the month of may. May

*Check2* & and should be spelled out

*Note1* It clucks like a hen,
In front of all the men,
Although I am no poet, I think striking "the" gives it a better flow here. Just my opinion. *Wink*

Same here: It is unique,
But they all call him a freak,

Like noone I've even known. no one two words.

Overall, I thought this was a cute poem! I thought you would like to know my daughter enjoyed as well!
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Review of Roaches  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
C. A. Langley,

Welcome to WDC! I am so glad I ventured upon your story. This was a riveting, breathtaking tale about the dying remnants of our world. Though the reasons are not clear, most of humanity has died, leaving behind only a few survivors to wander the streets.

You draw tht reader in, strumming their emotions as this woman is forced to bury her loved ones on what should have been a happy day. It was an ironic twist. You paint vivid descriptions of the scenery, showing us this ravaged world through her eyes. Not only do we see what she does but we smell it. Her short, choppy thoughts add an intense feel to this tale.

We feel her joy as she happens upon another survivor. I love the inventive way they come to discover things about each other! Her joy is short lived—as they run into another group of survivors.

This part stole my breath and left me glued to the screen in horror! Yet, it was realisitc. Desperate people resort to equal measures and there are instances in history to back these facts. I love how she humanized herself to her captor. That is what saves her.

I don't want to ruin the end, but it was clever. Even so far as her newfound "pet." This was extremely well written! *Thumbsup*

I do have two small suggestions.

*Check2* I stood perched on the final rung of the cranes arm and looked out at the world. crane's

*Exclaim* You do need to go back and change the rating of this piece from 13+ to GC, per Writing.Com guidelines as stated here: We try to make smooth transitions through our rating levels and what type of language each level allows. If an author has just one instance of the completed "F" word in an item's body, he/she must place it at least at an 18+ rating. Excessive use of this word bumps it to GC.*Exclaim*

For more information, please see "Content Rating System (CRS)" 

Really great read! Thank you for sharing your talent!
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Review of The Dummy  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
You portray a scorned woman's heartache and descent into madness in a very chilling way! I had to rub the goosebumps down. I admit, I may not have got the jist, but I think she perhaps has split personalities and that is why she feels her boyfriend betrayed her?

Perhaps you could make the reasons a little clearer and fill in some missing details?

You infuse your story with vivid details, helping the reader see the grisly setting. I especially liked this line: Eyes full of green enchantment. Lovely description! *Thumbsup*

*Exclaim* You need to go back and change your rating of this story per Writing.Com guidelines. This is taken from their rating page. We try to make smooth transitions through our rating levels and what type of language each level allows. If an author has just one instance of the completed "F" word in an item's body, he/she must place it at least at an 18+ rating. Excessive use of this word bumps it to GC. More information can be found here "Content Rating System (CRS)" 

Overall, it was a delightfully chilling piece!
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Review of Just a thought  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to WDC, Tink! I think you will be pleasantly surprised by your experience here. The vast majority of people on this site are not only willing to help writer's of any skill level learn and flourish, but are kind and encouraging while pointing out areas of improvement. *Smile* It's a great place to meet and interact with other like-minded people.

I applaud your determination and effort in going back to college. As a single mother, that cannot be easy. I know what it is like to be a parent to a princess. It's not easy. Mine is four and thinks she rules the world, which in a way she does. *Smile* Congrats on maintaing a 4.0 average while balancing the other aspects of your life. With that kind of fortitude and determination, you can do anything you put your mind to! *Thumbsup*

As for writing, I'm not sure anyone can help you decide what to write about. That is something that comes through your own heart. My advice would be try to steal a quiet, relaxing moment after your daughter is in bed. Clear your mind, dim the lights, turn on relaxing music and embrace the thoughts that come to you. There is always an audience waiting for every story. They say you should write what you see in your head and what you feel in your heart. Let those internal movies play and put them into words!

One little note. You say: It appears there is come part of me that is ment to write. meant *Bigsmile* That is the case with most of us here! You've come to the right place!

I wish you the best of luck. Just know that you are not alone here. I'm sure you will find your experience as a member and a writer both enjoyable and rewarding!
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Review of Peeping Tom?  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Used2BWild,

Welcome to WDC! *Bigsmile*

Oh my goodness! This piece really made me laugh! I have no idea how you managed to convey the feel so well in so few words. I'm envious! I could picture this child clearly and imagine my four-year old doing the same! The end was sheer perfection. Using italics to enforce the punchline was a clever touch!

It's not often that I can't offer some advice on a piece and just sit back and enjoy it, but you delivered something stellar. *Thumbsup* Thanks for the treat!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (4.0)
Anne,

Welcome to WDC! This is such a gripping, emotional story. It draws the reader in and allows them to make a deep connection with your heroine. You give teasing glimpses of her life. Just enough to satisfy a hint of curiousity and whet the reader's appetite. You have a good thing going here!

Here are a few thoughts/suggestions I had as I read. Please bear in mind they are merely one person's opinion and feel free to do as you wish. Only you can judge what is best for your story!

*Note1* She wrapped her arms around herself to shelter herself from the ocean wind and ran her fingers across the short sleeves of her dress that were torn and dirty from age and house work I love the imagery here. However, you use herself twice and it is a little wordy. If you want to tighten it up a bit, here is an example: She wrapped her arms around her body to shelter herself from the ocean wind and traced the short sleeves of her dress. The simple garment was torn and dirty from age and house work. It's not perfect but it gives the idea. I'm a big fan of detail and guilty of it myself, but sometimes too many in one sentence can overwhelm a reader.*Blush*

Oh. *Cry* My heart goes out to this girl reading about her scars and lonliness. It also poses many questions like how she wound up this way. *Thumbsup* Good hook!

*Check2* The waves crashed sending the water over her toes. crashed, sending comma

*Note3* She shivered again from the cold soon enough the cold turned into numbness. This might read better as She shivered from the numbing cold. OR She shivered, numb from the cold. See what you think, as it is your story*Smile*

*Check3* That was the problem it will always be there making her feel more and more alone and unloved. A new sentence should start with It. That or use a semi colon after "problem."

You do such a wonderful job showing her emotions and conveying her hopless despair. *Bigsmile*

*Check4* Isabelle walked further into the water she cried harder as the water crashed against her knees. There should be a period or semicolon after "water."

*Check5* No, not A man but men She The period after men seems to have run away. *Smile* This happens to me often during rewrites.

*Shock* You can't leave us hanging like that! I want to know what the voices are and why they are coming from the sea. You have my interest. That's the biggest part of telling a story is gaining the interest of your audience so far and keeping it.

You state in the desription that you are suffering from writer's block. I know how frustrating that little weasel is. I would love to see you continue this. Sometimes it just helps to have someone to bounce ideas off of. Let me know if I can be of any assistance. *Bigsmile*
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Review of Fractured  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (4.5)
1leila123,

Hello and welcome to WDC!

Sorry I can't ofer any technical advice (I don't know the first thing about poetry) but I wanted to share my thoughts because your poem did make me feel and I know what it is like to be new!

Excellent choice of title and description. They are compelling and drew me right in. I also feel they fit the overall theme of your poem quite well! *Thumbsup*

There is a tense, overwhelming feeling to this poem. Reading it, one senses the uneasy frustration of trying to escape the inevitable. I like some of the word choice like shying away from visions and horror filled glimpses. It helps the reader make a connection.

Overall, I liked this poem and felt it something many readers could identify with. We all have memories that keep rearing their ugly heads no matter how hard we try to forget. You did a good job portraying that. *Smile*
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
Gracious! Your folders are so organized and well thought out, not to mention chalked full to the brim with delights!

You offer a wide variety, including a little of something for everyone. In the addition to convenient links, you also offer teaser as to what each poem is about. This makes it convenient for the reader and a place they could easily become lost in for hours. Where do you find the time?

After seeing this, I am envious. I wish I had half the inspiration you do! All of this writing and you still find the time to gift us with your wonderful reviews. *Thumbsup* Excellent presentation.
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
I saw this listed on the public review page with a cautionary warning. Naturally, I had to see what all the fuss was about. I should have known it was you Judity! *Laugh*

The picture is a nice visual compliment to your story. It exudes a sense of quiet decadence.

The second paragraph had me drooling for truffles. If my keyboard shorts out, I'll e-mail you with the replacement cost. *Laugh* The comments of "eat me!" Reminded me slightly of "Alice in Wonderland." That was always my favorite part where she sampled the treats.

My goodness, I could feel my thighs expanding and my stomach rumble with painful intensity as you gave a vivid description of each sampling. I felt as if I bit into each piece with her. I especially liked the honeycomb one with the superb wording. liquid ambrosia ~sighs~

Nougat! *Laugh* Oh...I saw John Malcovitch say that once on Letterman and have never looked at it the same since. Utterly terrifying! *Shock*

I love the way you incorporate fond memories with most of the tastes. This piece is an excellent example of how to show a story, rather than telling it. Living vicariously through your words was ALMOST as good as experiencing it myself!

Excellent!
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Review of Struggle  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This is an interesting look into the angsty world of a teen on a downward spiral. We get glimpses of her rock goddess dreams and an endearing peek at her faithful sidekick. As the story unravels, the reader discovers there are deep seeded reasons for her emotional torment, ones that lead her to choices that may endanger her life!

Below are some thoughts/suggestions as I read. Please bear in mind that these are only my opinions and feel free to ignore or use them as you feel best suits your story. *Smile*

Pop and Giovanni are 16 and 17, respectively sixteen and seventeen numbers under 100 are typically spelled out in fiction. I would also consider dropping the respectively from this sentence, as it is not needed.


They are the musicmakers music makers two words

Together, they hop trains and wander down streets that are better left unwandered. To avoid using "wander" twice, you might want to consider unexplored or something of a smiliar effect.

With a maddened glint in eye they catch taxis With a maddened glint in their eyes, they

So she screams and flings her sweating body around on stage, kicking punching clawing at the air kicking, punching, and clawing

*Thumbsup*I like the description of her on stage! It gives the reader a good feel for the character and paints a good visual.

Miss Take, her greedy ego always wanting and needing. her greedy ego, always This also feels more like a half thought than a complete sentence. was always would help flesh it out a little more and avoid tripping the reader up.

She loathes the self more than anything. herself

Giovanni notices that something is wrong before there are any signs of something being wrong. Taking off the end phrase avoids being redundant and tightens the writing.

She’s hovering, levitating with her drumkit. drum kit Two words.

Then practice is over and she’s sitting in the passenger seat of Giovanni’s ’67 GTO, Then, practice is over, and

her mascara is running through the crevice-creases underneath her eyes. crevice and crease mean the same thing and it would probably be best to pick one or the other.

*Thumbsup* You did a good job describing Pop's mother. This was a poignant scene, one that gives us a better sense of what Pop is about and how her life has been so far.

Pop eyes him numbly, barely hearing his barely-whispers. She barely nods. you use barely three times in a row here. faint whisper gives the same effect

*Thumbsup* Toward the end, your writing really picks up and begins to shine. You slowed down and took your times showing the story rather than just telling it. The details start seeping in and you describe how they meove, what they feel. These are the sort of things that pull a reader in and engross them in a story. It allows for a connection.

I would love to see you go back through and infuse the same life into the beginning of the story. I think if you read through, you will see the difference I'm talking about. It's like night and day! I know sometimes we have an idea that is dying to be told and we all want to rush to the good parts. You have something good here and with a little editing and reworking it is a story that will really shine! This is your story though and only you can judge what is best. If you do decide to make some changes, I'd be happy to come back and give it a higher rate.

Best wishes!






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Review of Abuse  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is an emotional poem about one young girl's struggle to survive her abusive home. She's tormented by a flood of memories and feel there is no escape. Though there are a few places where I feel the lines could be smoothed out to give a more even flow, your point comes across strong. *Thumbsup*

*Check1* once by starvation, once my pills by pills

*Note1* The only time she’s free is when she sleeps and has beautiful dreams of being free to avoid using free twice in one line why not replace the first one with safe, happy..something of that effect? Just a thought. *Wink*

You hit a powerful note at the end. I can't imagine the hurt and self doubt that comment must inflict. It sets a child up to fail and starts their day out on a heavy note with sorrow in their heart. *Cry*

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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
~sighs~ Now this was lovely. Just the sort of thing a girl needs to read before making her way to bed. It is rare that one stumbles across a mad lib as well executed with this one. A plot actually exsisted and the things you ask for make sense when applied. *Thumbsup*

I know a lot of people complain they never get to see the results. Just in case you are curious, I've included mine below. I've got no areas for suggestion and especially like that you designed this to fit both men and women. *Smile*

You are the winner. You've won. The competition where there was more than 10 million entries, you were the one that the judges picked to win their prize.

You've won a date with Wentworth...

*******

It's now the night of your date, you're feeling lust, who wouldn't be?

"Adriana? The limos here! he's waiting for you!" Shouts your mother, unable to contain her own excitement. You take one quick last glance in the mirror, and try to ply down that last sticky up bit of your hair. You bound down the stairs, then slow down, imagining how ironic and embarrassing it would be to fall and break your leg on the biggest night of your life.

You don't though, you get safely down the stairs and you kiss your mum goodbye. You pick up your purse and teddy bear and go outside. You take a breath.

Even as the door of the long, black limo opens and a gorgeous man steps out, it hasn't quite sunk in yet.

Even when you see his big blue eyes and his wonderfully excited smile, you still can't believe it.

he steps out of the way for you to get in and he holds out a hand. You take it, smiling at him.

You're feeling somewhat calmer, he doesn't hate you and you can tell by the way he's still smiling at you and hasn't let go of your hand. his presence is exciting and scary, yet soothing all at once.

"Adriana, even though I've never met you before, you look especially ravishing tonight." he whispers into your ear. You smile, bite upon your bottom lip and reply playfully,

"Well Went, even though I've never met you either, you are sexier than you are in Prison Break." Went winks at you and squeezes your hand.

You're now at the Hilton Head and you can't believe how well you two get on. It's like you've always known each other and have always had this connection between you. You click. You've talked all the way through the walk but you don't care, Went is the loveliest person you've ever known, you can't imagine not knowing him anymore. You can't help always touching him, or smiling at him, or simply getting lost in his eyes. he's so different, he's so intense. You now find yourself staring at his neck, just wanting to lick them.

You've had a really great time, but both of you know that this is the end of your date. Sitting in the limo on the way home, it's almost silent, you don't want the night to end, you don't want *this* to end. Suddenly, Went grabs your hand and squeezes it tightly. They're slightly clammy, and you stare at them for a second. Is Went nervous?

"Adriana, would you mind at all if I kissed you right now?" You smile shyly and shake your head.

Went leans in slowly, his lips slightly parted. As your lips meet, its like your entire world crumbles and falls around you until there is nothing but you and Wentworth kissing in the back of his limosine. his lips are so plush and you find yourself wishing that you could kiss them whenever you wanted. The kiss deepens and you find his hand upon your leg, you place your hand on his eyes.

Finally, you both pull away, smiling and gazing into each other's eyes.

"You're witty." he tells you, cupping your cheek with his hand. his fingers run down your face and curl around your chin. You know now that this will never end, it can't. Went kisses you again.


As I said, just lovely. *delighted*
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a chilling sotry. Any woman can easily relate to the sense of unease this gril feels as she is walking home late at night. The raging storm and dreary England streets are a perfect setting for this tale.

Below are some thoughts/suggestions I had as I read. Please bear in mind these are only my opinions and feel free to ignore or use them as you feel best suits your story.

*Note1* It was a dark and stormy night Personally, I think the title and opening line are cliche. It's just my opinion, but I feel you could do better.

That aside, I love the description you use to describe the rain. I especially liked this part, "punishment for sins unknown." *Thumbsup*

With the water already flowing steadily down the avenues and boulevards, the rain didn’t help much, creating splashes amid the puddles and spraying water this way and that. Chopping off those last few words helps add intensity and tighten the writing.

You give good visuals and I love the word choice. Sopping arms and plunging outside paint a vivid picture for a reader to enjoy. *Smile*

*Check1* Frustration filled her mind, but she pushed it aside, longings to get home longing

*Check2* I don’t think so." She thought to herself. I don't think so," she thought to herself.

This is an excellent line: Then she heard it: the deep rumble of a drunken laugh that flew across the wind and danced around her, making her tremble. *Thumbsup*

*Check3* She hit the water hard, forcing the water into a title wave tidal

Her nightmare became a reality and sends a shiver down the reader's spine. You wrapped things up nicely.

Overall, I found this to be an enjoyable read. I feel by going through and tightening this story, you will really make it stand out and give it that edgy, intense feel. Fleshing it out with a few details about her attacker will also help heighten the experience and draw the reader further into the experience by letting them see what she does.
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a very complex piece that addresses many issues. You related your experience in a clear, concise manner...one that made me feel sorry for you. No one should have to under go such scrutiny or feel the need to apologize for their race as a whole because of one person's actions.

I suppose I look at things differently than the media. I don't blame a culture or look at a situation and blame it on race and gender. I blame the individual involved and if applicable, society. In situations like school shootings the blame falls somewhere between the two. If a few people got past themselves and extended a warm, caring hand...if athorites put a stop to the daily bullying these kids endured, I doubt the situations would be the same. It's not a matter of race or taste...it is a matter of personal responsibility.

I listen to angsty music. I write about violence and deep seeded emotions and my taste in movies is questionable at best. I laugh at Jigsaw's ingenuity and cry when characters like Karl Starger from "The Cell" die. The Green Mile made me bawl. Does that mean I am a serial killer in the making. H*** no. I just have a quirky appreciation for the darker side of life. I could be considered anti-social. I prefer dwelling in my own world. I loathe frilly hearts, rainbows and fluff. People are entitled to enjoy what they will diversity is what makes this country a wonderful place to be.

I'm veering off topic. I just wanted to say that no one should have to change their tastes to suit others or apologize for the actions of one. Be proud of who you are and know that I don't look at you any different as I would any other person walking down the street.
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Organized crime amongst bees? I never would have believed it if if weren't for your story. *Laugh* They do seem to go after you in the worst of ways. The way you relate these events is bound to elicit a laugh.

Here are a few thoughts/suggestions as I read. Please bear in mind they are merely my opinion and feel free to ignore or use them as you wish.

*Check1* Once you read my 3 bee stories three Numbers under 100 are generally spelled out.

*Check2* I believe I was 5-ish years old. around five

*Check3* I was in the backyard behind my parents house. parents' house

*Check4* Incidentally, it turns out that I'm a very stupid man when measured. *Laugh* That one got me! My sides are starting to hurt.

Your reaction was priceless...I'm still laughing about that one. Talk about a knee-jerk reaction. Ouch!

*Check5* I had no idea how much finding the hole in your boxers depended on not being numb from the waste down. waist

The one about the air vent was hysterical. I could picture that one so clearly as well as the look the cop must have given you.

You were right. This short story had me laughing until my sides hurt and yes, it was mainly at your expense. I'm fairly certain the bees have a Most Wanted poster hanging in their hives with a picture of you in the center! UnBEElievable!

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Review of Goldbrook Part 1  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I liked the description of the light and the wolf. This is one of those times where a reader sits spellbound by the decriptive force applied by an author. *Thumbsup*

*Smile* You nailed the agony of being a waitress on the head. I did it for three years and hope I never have to again. It's hard work and an often thankless job!

I have mixed feeling about the extensive backdrop we get. It is interesting to know why she is slaving away in a bar yet ultimately has little to do with the story...at least not that I can tell at this point. I think the pace would move quicker without the parts about the meat packaging plant. That way, you can still include her divorce and parents' death, cluing us in that she is alone.

*Check1* Sighing heavely, she looked around and wondered where all the time had gone. heavily

*Check2* She hefted herself wearily from the chair, grabbed her purse, which she kept behind the bar out of arms reach of the patrons arm's

*Check3* “I have had enough of your drinking John” he heard his mother There should be a comma after John. The same goes for numerous places in the story where you use dialouge and no punctuation. Another example is: “I didn’t see no light” she stated. light," she stated.

*Shock* Oh the images you painted of his parents engulfed in that light were horrifying! Excellent job!

Overall, It feels like you have a wonderful start here to something much bigger! I get the feeling there is more of this story waiting to be told. Great job on turning something as begign as light into a terrifying spectacle!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You got me! I never saw the brilliant humor of this story coming. With a prompt like the worst pain and the way your riotous Roger was acting, I too was certain the man approached his deathbed.

He made me laugh while I found his wife's frantic concern endearing. These are likeable characters that are easy to relate to.

*Check1* The sight of him double over doubled

Oh Roger ~laughs~ A delicate female in need of masculine protection indeed! What a character!

I swear by all that is holy it took me a good minute to stop laughing at the end of this! What a priceless twist, one that every woman can appreciate. I hate to say this out of fear of sounding sexist *Worry* but men can be such babies when it comes to pain! You embodied that in a perfect, classic manner! Good luck in the contest!
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Review of Letters to WDC  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ida,

You express such beautiful sentiments in this letter. Your warmth and generousity as a person radiate from the page. I think it is wonderful that you took the time to express what WDC has given to you and to thank the ones who have made it possible. It's a gesture sure to make many people smile.

You might want to change negative to negatively. or in a negative way.

Thank you for this gift and best wishes!
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