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1,392 Public Reviews Given
2,269 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
In depth, detailed, and honest. I always point out the things I enjoyed most about an item, highlighting the strengths along with any weaknesses or glitches I might find. To me, it's important to let a writer know how something made you feel and what reactions you had when reading, not just the technical aspects.
I'm good at...
Characterization, punctuation, plot, and grammar.
Favorite Genres
Anything dark and angsty. Horror, erotica, dark dramas are usually my favorites.
Least Favorite Genres
Westerns, Sci-Fi, and comedy.
I will not review...
Poetry and non-fiction. I read these for pleasure alone. I don't know enough about the technicalities to give a decent or useful review. Any comments I send are always just based on my personal reactions as a reader.
Public Reviews
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Laugh* Priceless humor, Martin. even as a woman, I can appreciate the sentiments behind this poem. I think many of us forget we do have moments where we are rather difficult and don't appreciate all the scrambling our beloved men do to appease us.

I'm quite spoiled, as anyone who know me will attest to. *Worry* Are you sure it's a bad thing to do?

Though a bit snide in humor, the urge a man has to protect a woman he cares for still shows through in your work. The rhyme and flow, stay consistant, at least in my humble opinion and I have no suggestions for improvement to add. As always, it's a pleasure to read your poems.

Take care,
Adriana
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Review of Waiting  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (3.0)
This short bit expresses the sorrowful lament plauging a young woman's heart. You can almost feel her wistful, yearning sigh build in your own chest as you read.

I do have a few suggestions I hope you will find helpful. Please feel free to use or discard them as you wish, as they are just opinions.

*Check1* Today, i will read how much he misses me Today, I

*Check2* Today, I will read of hpw much work how

*Check3* It was early dawn when she first sit down. sat

Though good, this story could shine if you fleshed it out a little more. Add some details about this woman and her surroundings. Maybe the wind carressing her cheek the way a lover's touch would, what her surroundings look like...something to pull us in and let us feel an attachment. I also feel it would be better if evey sentence didn't begin with today so many times in a row. A little repetiveness is good when you are trying to show a feeling of redundance or monotony, but there is a point where it almost feels to be too much.

*Note* You may want to take a look at your story and see how it appears on WDC itself.*Note* The ending is very abrupt, literally cut off in mid sentence. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but it gives the impression that the story is not complete. It is missing any kind of arc, even the smaller ones that appear in individual chapters. I sincerly hope you are not offended by these comments. As I said, they are only meant to be helpful.

You have something wonderful started here and I would love to see you work with it some more. Please let me know if you do, as I would be glad to give it another look and rating.

Best wishes!

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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a heart rendering story of abuse told from a child's perspective. You deeply explore how the victim is not the only one impacted. All too often it is the innocent that suffer. The reader can feel the scope of the child's pain as she experiences her mother's anguish.

I had a few thoughts/suggestions as I read that you might find helpful. Please feel free to use or disregard as you wish and bear in mind these are only my opinions. You know what they say about those. *Wink*

*Check1* Then I heard her shudder, deep shivers that were plunging down to her very soul but that her soul was bouncing back up to her throat. This sentence made me stuble a bit and reads a tad bit awkward. Why not try something like. Then I heard her shudder, deep shivers that plunged down to her soul but bounced back up her throat.

*Check2* The very place her sorrow was formed betrayed her by refusing to harbour it there, This becomes more intense if you use a more active voice. Example: The place her sorrow formed betrayed her by

*Check3* I imagined my arm letting go of its opposite and reaching forward. I imagined my hand grasping the door handle and slowly, silently pushing the door open, so as not to disturb her. I imagined moving cautiously across the carpet, turning at the corner of the wardrobe and then finally, towards her. I imagined how I would crawl It is slightly redundant to start four sentences in a row with the same phrase. Why not try something like, My heart yearned to...or I ached to...or I envisioned myself. Something to break up the monotany.

*Thumbsup* a feeling so heavy she felt as if she were sodden by every drop of water that had ever tumbled over Niagra's rim. This is an excellent job of showing the reader the full depth of this anguished woman's emotion. I like the original comparison. Well done!

I really like this description as well. hot and damp like a child woken from a nightmare, cheeks aflame and eyes stung raw by their own salty deluge. *Bigsmile*

Overall, I enjoyed this emotional piece. At times the lengthy sentences border on run-ons and feel a little overwhelming. I think if you went back through and tried to tighten the thoughts, making them more concise and active this story would go from something good to a work of art that shines! Please don't be discouraged by these suggestions. As I pointed out, you have some wonderful gems embedded in this piece and I really feel the rest could be just as good!

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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I admire your fortitude! It must be a severe conscious effort not to use a certain letter, let alone keep the words under a certain count! All that and you still managed to tell an amusing story.

My heart broke for poor Jenny and I had to wince in sympathy ofr her parents. It must be a horrible feeling, knowing your mistake is the cause of your child's tears!

The ending made me smile, especially the reference to the Mad Hatter. I loved Alice in Wonderland as a child and often wished we too could celebrate un-birthdays!

Thank you for sharing your talents with us again, Judity! As always, you deliver a smile.
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The imagery in this story is astounding. I feel like every detail was painted before my eyes, but done with such skill it did not bog the story down or deaden the pace. The lively use of rich adjectives lends a robust flavor to this historic piece. It is one that questions the motives of men and speaks to the heart of all of us.

*Laugh* “I see that some of us have prospered more than others. None of the commoners playing soldier are quite as wide as you, good General.” Hmm a Roman Captain, model good looks, and a cutting sense of humor to boot!

*Thumbsup* When the messenger speaks of the animals stirring and a great bear that speaks to them, you had me intrigued. The General’s side response gives a hint that not all is as it should be. Great way to keep the interest and lead a reader on.

*Check1* This was all said in a hushed, gruff voice. Passive voice. Why not try something like, He uttered the warning in a hushed, gruff voice.

*Check2* I wish half of our soldier today were as loyal as those druids were to their people and their animals.” I think you meant soldiers.

I love the wisdom Marcellus shows. Not just as a person, but as a leader. He is a strong character that is easy to like. *Smile* His embittered thoughts about what the force he fights for has become lend him a realistic depth as both a man and a soldier. I wonder how many others have felt the same sentiments since.

*Shock* The scene with the bear attack was riveting! You action sequence was flawless and the descriptions of the majestic beast perfection. I was sorry to see it run off, curious about the connection it shared with Marcellus. *Reading*

*Check3* “Because he has something you will never understand: honor. He want’s this wants

I don’t like this weasley hunter. *Angry* Oh I really don’t like him. He is so consumed with greed, he is willing to destroy a beautiful creature left defenseless or a fragile woman.

*Check4* See lay, arm outstretched, handing him his spear, still smiling. Something seems to be missing from this sentence. Should it be She lay?

I was so sorry to see this story end. You held me captivated through the entire saga. I love the blurred lines between good and evil and how one man discovers himself in the process. Truly an amazing job you have done here and the characters and story are one that will stick with me for a long time. *Thumbsup*
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Review of Dark Eye  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I normally don’t enjoy Sci-fi or anything futuristic. That said, I was amazed by this story. It was so well written, it felt like I was watching a movie play out, rather than read. You give an excellent description of this station and the surroundings. I found Alaura’s calm, determined strength refreshing to read.

Here are some thoughts/suggestion I thought might be helpful. Please bear in mind they are just my opinions and you are free to use or discard them as you wish. *Smile*

*Note* Using mirrors to show what a character looks like is a little overdone and cliché. You have a tremendous talent with words and great creative capacity. I feel that you could introduce Alaura’s physical appearance in a better way. One that isn’t so overdone. Just my opinion though*Wink*

*Check1* Therefore she thought it wise to be prepared Therefore, she

*Check2* Nearly everyone at the station was hesitant of talking about their research, in case somewhat got it into their head to try to steal it as their own. I think you mean someone.

*Shock* Stanton made quite a discovery! This armband is an interesting device. Something about the situation makes me uneasy. Spasms, fourth-dimensional travel….his tone. The blue light sounds alluring though! *Bigsmile*

What a horrendous flashback! I felt like I was right there with her, seeing and feeling this station crumple around me! Excellent twist! *Thumbsup* You did an amazing job pulling that off. I never saw that coming.

*Check3* Jared stood their, a similar look of shock on his face. there

Whew! You had me holding my breath there at the end! That was intense. Thank you so much for sharing this captivating story!
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Review of Rockabee  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (4.5)
The imagery used in this story is amazing. I felt as if I stood there peering through the tree at the glistening amber sap as well. The world of Rockabee is a unique spin on age old addages.

Vee's story is a familiar one, but written in a refreshing wya. We all have had times when we aspired to be more and heard the accusations of impossible or crazy. Her meeting with Gran shows her anything is possible with a little faith. Still, she struggles with these yearnings until she can no longer take it.

This story shows how society can shun those who are different and how jealousy destroys people. Or, in this case, rocks. *Wink*

My heart ached as the council taunted Vee and flung her over the precipice. Yet you give another valuable message at the end; the promise of something more eternal and beautiful awaits us.

I enjoyed this story immensely. Thank you so much for sharing these unique characters and for reminding us all to keep reaching for those stars.
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Review of What If.......  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (4.5)
These are very interesting points to ponder! I always look forward to reading your work becuase you , without fail, offer food for thought or some vauleable lesson to be learned. The fact that you can weave these together into a poem amazes me. I have a hard enough time finding the words to write without having to worry about the flow and rhyme!

Some of this really made me think. Our country would be so much better if politicians did as promised. Butm you know what they say about good intentions. As for Cancer, I have no doubt another disease would spring up in its wake. Those big pharmacies need to pad their wallents somehow.

Technology has made amazing and sometimes frightening advances. Perhaps some day...

*Laugh* The last part of this really made me laugh. You have my sympathy. Those things are awful!

Thanks for another wonderful visit!
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Review of Held  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This is a compelling snippet sure to entice readers into reading your chapters. It leaves one with an apprehensive feeling and a thrill of anticipation. I could almost hear that gravely voice that does the voice overs for movie trailers reading this!

Why is it that writing a blurb is harder that writing the story itself? This was short, sweet, and to the point. Can I hire you to do my synopsis? *Laugh*

Best Wishes!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
You've created such a lively, animated set of characters that it is hard to pick a favorite. It was nice seeing New York's finest in a relaxed setting and getting a feel for their personalities.

Even though Bry is off duty, his mind still centers on his case and works the the cunning precision of a cop.

*Laugh* I love Rashbaum's sass! She holds her own among these rough and tumble men.

I've never had one, but I think you captured the awkward feeling of a one night stand rather well. I can't imagine it being pleasant and Summer's misunderstanding was priceless!

As always, Mara, you weave a wonderful tale and infuse it with rich description and characters that are hard to forget.

I look forward to reading more from this talented author.
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Review of Gotta Sing  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
The languid, luxurious feel of this story makes it a compelling read that is hard to tear away from. Despite the relaxed feel, the pace moves quickly, holding the reader's interest with vague promises of what is to come.

I became an observer in the inn, able to picture it all as if I had the priviledge of visiting the establishment. Your quaint setting combined with the modern rock concert and music, and the ancient ritual of dancing around fires gave this story a unique feel.

Clyde is an interesting character, one that gives the reader a slight feeling of apprehension upon meeting him. He came across sounding like a rougish pirate in my head. *Laugh* The protagonist's reflection upon past lovers tied in perfectly with the fragmented concert and the snippets of music you gave as he struggled to fall asleep.

You evoked curious horror as I saw the figures dance around the fire, their purpose still unclear. Any thoughts of this merely being a vivid dream dwindle with the end.

Try as I might, I cannot think of one thing that would improve this story. The rich language is excellent, but not too much. Phrases like dancing in cadence and a stretch of sinful pleasure turn an excellent story into a rare treat. It is exactly the kind of thing someone would want to curl up with whilst sipping tea...blanket in tow to ward off the chills you elicit.

Superb job. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.
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Review of Roadside bomb  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I knew this would be an emotional poem, but I had no idea the impact it would have. You take the reader through a soldier's final moments of peace and propell them into his worst nightmare.

It's a wide range of emotions you show and they implore all of us to take a deeper look at how much these men and women sacrifice.

It's just my opinion, but I do feel there are a few places where the flow could be improved a bit, like:

My thoughts turned to the man by my side,
My emotions peaked when I realized he died, when I saw that he died

Just something to play with. Please feel free to disreagard.

Thank you for sharing your talents as well as this patriotic prose.
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I have the feeling though Sorin's tongue may be velvet, it is also forked. This guy is just too smooth, too charming for his own good!

No noticable errors of any kind jumo out at me, just lots of eager questions. You've painted a lavish picture of the club. I could almost feel the music pounding beneath my feet and see the opulent bars.

I liked watching the dynamics between the two partners as well as their suspect. One can only guess where this story will go, but count me in for the ride!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Oh my gosh *Laugh* I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard. Who would have thought string beans would have such an erm...interesting use! And elbows so erotic?

This mad lib was a lot of fun. I'd recommend it to anyone. The story line was well written and a tongue in cheek throw back to those daytime soaps.

I've got no suggestions, but thank you for the laughs. My abs just got a good workout!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
We learn difficult lessons growing up. Poor Dominic just learned one the hard way. *Cry* It is not easy to swallow our pride sometimes, or to think of how our actions effect others. This story is a good example of the possible outcomes when we turn our hearts to stone.

I did have a few thoughts and suggestions I wanted to share. Hopefully, you find them helpful. Please feel free to disreagard them, as they are only my opinions. *Smile*

White hair at 17 was In fiction, numbers under 100 are spelled out. seventeen

Dominic sighed as he heard his others words. mother's words

*Note* In three short paragraphs, Dominic sighs four or five times. Twice in two sentences. Maybe consider a different action or describe a feeling of exasperation or weariness washing over him? Just a thought.

3 doors down 3 Doors Down As a band name, it should be capped.

He walked down the many stairs to the entrance balcony, looking down to see his mother, and then there was his girlfriend Karina. Cutting down on unnecessary words can tighten and add more intensity and impact. Just one example: He descended the stairs to the entrance balcony and saw his mother and his girlfriend, Karina.

“How cruel, why you would do why would you do

Dominic couldn’t keep still, he through the book to the threw


It bounced off the wall and landed on a pile of cloths. Did you mean clothes?

*Cry* At this point, I feel sorry for him. Nothing hurts as bad as being betrayed by someone you love. You are doing a good job of showing his restless aggitation *Thumbsup*


“Why the-“he stopped him self before he swore every known word known to man kind. himself ~ mankind Also, you forgot a space after the ending quotation mark and he. *Wink*

He through the remote in rage threw

The semi was going to fast to stop. too fast to stop

The semi swerved, but not in time to save the life of Karina’s. to save Karina'a life.

It was a pile of smoke from the window from where Dominic and his mother stand. stood

If he accepted to talk to his ex, This reads awkwardly. Maybe try: If he talked with his ex

Hiss mother was crying. His mother

Very tragic ending. I love how it makes us stop and think. Hopefully people realize that forgiveness is a valuable lesson. Life is precious and we never know when it can be taken. You convey that message, telling us to live every moment with care.

Best wishes & write on!





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Review of The Water  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (3.0)
Interesting preface. A feeling of hostility seeps between the words. If this is a preview of things to come, you have a chilling story waiting to be told.

While reading, I noticed a few things I hope you might find helpful. Please bear in mind these are merely opinions or suggestions. *Smile*

*Note* Sometimes the sentences become a little long and include so many thoughts/ideas that they become hard to follow. You might want to see if there is a way to break them down into shorter more concise thoughts. Just to add that extra intensity and chill.

*Check1* I want to make sure first thing that you understand sure, first thing, that

*Check2* It's not meant to frighten you or to put you on gaurd on guard

*Check3* You've gone to long as it is too long

*Check4* Hell I've gone too long Hell, I've

*Check5* but now I know what I am and I won't You have an extra space after "and"

*Check1* settle for anything less than all there is. This is a little wordy. Why not try settle for anything less than everything?

*Check2* Tragically thats Tragically, that's (that's is a contraction for that is}

*Check3* niether one of us new it neither one of us knew it

*Check4* I'm introducing to you is that we're no onger ignorant no longer

*Check5* and though I can't speak for the others I for one won't be less others, I for one, [/c}

*Check1* Im the water I'm

Over all, I think with a little proofreading this preface can shine. I see a gripping story lurking behind it.

Best wishes!
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Review of Apocalyptic Soul?  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is the kind of story that lures a reader in and once they start, there is no turning back. You reveal the circumstances surrounding this tortured mind slowly, giving the feeling of watching the curtains pull back at an anticipated Broadway show.

The character and world you created were so believeable, I found myself fearing this was not fictional. The numb sensations, concise emotons, and various references to the psychologist really drove that feeling home.

The end to this story was perfect. Though a sad conclusion, it reflects a struggle to intense for many. I especially liked the profound simplicity in the last two lines. I am not a victim, nor can I victimize. I am just Oliver. Many victims of abuse fear repeating the cycle and you drove that home with the sweeping undercurrant.

I have no suggestions for this flawless and riveting story. None except eliminating the extra space from this line. *Wink* I've abolished all hope of the monster emerging from within.

Best wishes!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This has the makings for a good supernatural thriller. The leaky roof seems to be an ominious omen as the story opens. I have the feeling Chloe's once happy refuge is turning into something else altogether! Good thing she has the witty and handsome Derek lurking nearby!

I did notice a few things you might find helpful as I read. Please bear in mind, these are just my opinions and feel free to do as you wish!

*Check1* Various vessels were placed here and there to catch the water as it leaked down through the ceiling. Sometimes, less is more. Cutting out unnecessary words can give a piece a tighter, more intense flow. Here's an example so you can see what you think. Various vessels were placed to catch the water leaking through the ceiling. down through is not needed there.

*Check2* for the past 5 days. In fiction, numbers under 100 are usually spelled out. five days.

*Check3* Silently she cursed herself for not having the roof inspected before she eagerly moved in to her grandmother’s old house. Adverbs should be used the way a miser spends his coins. On precious, rare occasions. At least that is what most experts and editors say. She cursed herself for not having the roof inspected before she moved in to her grandmother’s old house.

*Note* You have several places containing an extra space between words. A quick glance will easily spot these. *Note*

*Check4* “Yes. Speaking.” She replied. "Yes. Speaking," she replied.

*Check5* I should have known better than to move in before at least having the old metal roof at least covered in some sort of sealant. I think this would flow a lot better without the phrase at least. I should have known better than to move in before having the old metal roof covered in some sort of sealant.

*Check1* While bent over one of her many boxes of clothes she thought for sure she heard the floor boards in front of the door too her room. clothes, she ~~ door to her room.

*Check2* well she was going to give her a piece of her mind. give him

*Laugh* I don't blame her! I would have been irked at the prospect too! This lurking shadow is an interesting addition to the story. You've got my curiousity going now. *Reading*

*Check3* so she rounded into the kitchen and no on was there no one

*Check4* when she realized it was a man with his carhardt’s hood Carhardt's As a brand name, it should be capped.

*Check5* “Wow. We really do need to something done or you’ll have an indoor pool before long.” have something done or get something done. You're missing a word there. *Wink* I do that often.

*Thumbsup* I like this guy already. Chiseled features, a five o'clock shadow, good with his hands, and a sense of humor to boot!

*Check1*Right after this part, you have a tense shift from the rest of the story. You say he says, while walking. The rest of the story is written in a different format. I think you meant he said, while walking.

*Check2* Derek went out side outside

*Note* Instead of using phrases like "went about getting" and "went about dumping", why not try a more active voice? Ex: "he got" and "she dumped" *Note*

*Check3* Up on the roof, the wind gusting at Derek in protest. the wind gusted

*Check4* as she saw a small child reaching out for a it’s mother reaching out for its mother

*Shock* The shadow comes back and with it comes a terrifying vision of the past! Another great moment where you reach out and snatch your reader's attention in a death grip! *Reading*

*Check5* Tears streamed down the little blonde girls girl's

You left us with one brutal cliffhanger! I loved the image of Derek scrambling off the roof. You left the reader with many questions, ones that will urge them to continue reading. I enjoyed this story a lot and hope you continue.
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Review of His Pet  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Any fan of thrills and chills could appreciate this synopsis. It covers the elements of your story well, enticing the reader with hints of David's character and the horrendous situation he is faced with.

This would make a compelling jacket cover and as one who has read this story in its entirety, I know it only offers the barest sneak peek at the riveting content within.

More than a psychological thriller/mystery, Pet is an emotionally engaging saga about life, death, and the extraordinary lengths one man is willing to go through to protect the one he loves.
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Review of Evil Eyes  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This was a chilling story that cuts right to the chase. Of all the people or things to have obsessed with one, The Reaper himself has to be the scariest kind of stalker! *Shock* It seems like your character has a history with this being. Though we were left wondering what the extent was, it's clear he's got lethal fixation!

I did notice a few things while reading. I don't point these out to be hurtful in any way, but to try to help. Please bear in mind this is your story and you are free to do as you wish.

*Check1* How ironic I have feared deaath, death Also, there should be some sort of punctuation after ironic. Probably a period or semicolon.

*Check2* thinking about my family and friends i would soon friends I

*Check3* Only now that the moment is here I'm looking past the barrel of a gun here, I'm

*Check4* I love you more than anything else on ths earth. this Earth

*Check5* " I though that was you" "I thought that was you."

*Check1* So there it is the moment of truth, gazing into the void where So there it is, the moment of truth. Gazing into....


*Check2* You may like that name now, but one day this momnet moment

*Check3* I f I didn't know better I'd say it If There should also be a comma after the word better.

*Check4* I gasp fro one last for

*Check5* A vast pool of black crimon Did you mean crimson?

The typos and misspelled words detract a lot from this story. I'm not saying this to offend, but to try and help you with your ratings. I see potential and great promise in this piece. The basic outline is there, and with a little polish and a careful second look, you could really make this piece shine.

Best wishes!
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Review of The River  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really enjoyed this and could picture most of it very well. You wove these three chracters together in an interesting way, each of them with their own story to tell. Who would have thought one worn bench in a small town could hold such significant meaning?

Here are a few thoughts and suggestions I had. Please bear in mind, while meant to be helpful, they are merely my opinions and you know what they say about those. *Wink*

*Check1* The river was wide, but friendly, the fields ran gently down to the water's edge. friendly; the You are joining two independant phrases.

*Check2* Sometimes after heavy rain it ran brown with mud, Sometimes, after heavy rain, it

*Thumbsup* Nice job painting a picture of the town. I could picture this quaint countryesque dwelling.

*Check3* Somehow the river drew him like a magnet. Somehow, the

*Check4* Locked between his teeth he had Locked between his teeth, he

*Check5* Ages were spent tapping out the burnt ash and refilling it with Murray’s shag plug, taken from a battered old tin, then rubbed in his wrinkled hands before being pressed firmly into the bowl. So many things happen in this sentence that it becomes hard to follow. I would try breaking it up a bit.

*Check1* They had had a major argument the previous evening, he was still seething. Another place where a semicolon is probably more appropriate.

*Check2* “Barbara.” He said recovering from "Barbara," he said, recovering from

*Bigsmile* I loved the had fate played at the end. Here he was, just thinking about the love of his life. Who knew the old man was also someone he had long thought of. It was a wonderful way to end this story!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
you weave some wonderful tales with very believeable characters. This story had a very real "average Joe" feel to it that makes it so easy to realte to. The protagonist could have easily been any man walking down the street.

I love your style. You use a great combination of clean and detailed. Enough to fill the mind, but not so much that it is cluttered.

I felt sick to my stomach for this man. To know his wife considered cheating is bad enough. The mishap added much injury to insult and it is easy to see how he took a downwards spiral.

Ok. Just a few thoughts and suggestions I had. Bear in mind, they are just my meager opinions!

*Check1* Then one day my step-brother called and told me I could get a job in the steel mill where he worked because they were now hiring and the paychecks would be almost triple what I'd been making, plus I'd have a multitude of benefits as well. Just a small nit, but this sentence is rather long. Why not elminate "because" and start a new one with "They"

*Check2* It was like living in the suburbs of our old big city except it wasn't city, except

*Laugh* "That's the biggest crock of sheet I've ever heard!" I second that opinion! *Thumbsup* I really, really enjoyed this part. his thoughts on the Catholic church as a whole were priceless!

*Check3* I was minding my manners and didn't cuss but my wife almost fell out of her chair sputtering, You've got an extra space between chair and sputtering

*Check4* I think I drank about half the bottle before I got home and when Mae and the kids weren't there I figured there, I

*Check5* It was only about two in the afternoon and with no real plan in mind I slide my slid slide doesn't fit with the rest of the tense in the sentence or story.

*Shock* Tim! You left me hanging there at the end! I really do hope you fill us in on the rest of his story!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was a real treat! I loved this in-depth look inot a family's inner workings. You vivdly portayed each person and how their dynamic worked within. This touching story was infised with places where many parents can both laugh and relate.

A few suggestions & comments:

*Check1* Unrepentant, and even unaware of misdoing, he lhad ooked up he had looked

*Thumbsup* He always had doubt in my wisdom however, having no concrete proof that I ever went to school. *Laugh* I wonder how many other partents get that feeling from their kids?

*Check2* Effort brings colour to Life I'm not too sure Life should be capped here.

I had to laugh at the father's comments and the description of your boy's fish was priceless! I hate those moments where you are complimenting your child's artistic efforts yet wondering, what is it?

I find it sad that his hopes were dashed by the promise dangled at the end of an impossible feat. Maybe I just spoil the ones I love, but I would have got him the bike for the progress he did make.

Interestingly enough though, this experience did seem to teach your son a valuable lesson. As an adult, he does not base his life on the hopes of reward.

A wonderful story, I am glad you shared it. It seems to have left me with something to ponder.
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Review of Take Me Home.  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Molita, and welcome to WDC!

The description used in this story and the feeling you convey is incredible. I'm impressed with the writing and the style used. You managed to send shudders down my spine and left me craving more.

I do have a few suggestions that I hope you find helpful. Feel free to use or discard them as you wish.

*Note* I do question the format used. It comes across looking more like poetry and this is definately a story. One that I sincerly hope you continue. I think it would be better if you broke it into parapgraphs, rather than putting each thing on a seperate line.*Note*

*Check1* It was as if the bed was strategically placed there like a vibrantly colored center piece at a dinner table. This is a little wordy and passive. You can tighten it and add more impact with The bed appeared strategically placed, like a vibrant table centerpiece. (one word)

*Check2* I made my way into the room slowly I crept into the room

*Check3* Just dirty carpet and a single, You have an extra space between a and single

You've got my attention. Please let me know when you have more.
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Review of The Ritual  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I highly recommend this story to anyone looking for a good read. This story reaches out and grabs the reader, seizing them in a chokehold from start to finish. The pace moved rapidly, leaving neither time or urge to pull away. Much of it was read with a gaping jaw.

I noticed no errors, technical or otherwise. Here are a few things that stayed with me.

*Note* I loved your opening paragraph. Comparing a mug of coffe to a portal and crystal ball...tha comments about family knowing better than to intrude. This reminds me of any writer as they are hunched over the keyboard *Laugh*

The third paragraph reaches out and seizes your readers by the throat. All I could think was holy cow! What did this woman do? *Shock*

The way you wrap this story up, coming full circle to the cup of coffe that started it all is brilliant. I love how you show the long term effects of her experience and how this ordeal changed her forever. Not just emotionally, but financially as well.

Tim, I do not know what else to say. This piece was so well written that it left me in awe. You've done an amazing job. I will be back to visit your port.
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