Prof Moriarty's (profmoriarty) Reviews

Prof Moriarty

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560 Public Reviews Given

605 Total Reviews Given

26

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14 days may be credited.

#3443553

Review of Guardian angel...

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

Apologies for the inordinate delay in judging this contest. I have no excuse to offer except the obstinacy of my lethargy. Please do pardon me. As a small token of my gratitude for your patience, please do accept this gift of 1000 GPs.

The title:

Interesting title. It evokes curiosity.

Brief description:

Waiting for his friend, Chris meets someone special.

The characters:

Good buildup of the female lead. Though many things remain hazy till the end, she definitely catches the reader's fancy. You could have done more justice to Chris. He comes across as crass and uncouth which doesn't augur well for your story. You would want the reader to sympathize with him, not dislike him. There should be greater depth in the description of his depression.

Kudos and Applause:

Smart job on the prompt.

Innovative storyline.

I enjoyed the following instances of detailing in your story.
1. The woman's physical description.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

You need to dwell upon the male lead's melancholy at greater length. This would make the story meaningful. Currently,it reads like a forced fitment of an illusory setting.

Some description of the weather, the skies an the surroundings would have nicely built up the overall backdrop of your story.

Please do a thorough edit of the story for grammar and punctuation.I have pointed out a couple of examples in the Technical Section, but the list is by no means complete.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

The rain was pouring and I could feel every drop on my face. The rain was pouring[,] and I could feel every drop on my face.

Suddenly the rain stopped hitting my face. Suddenly[,] the rain stopped hitting my face.

I was dazed and then I almost spat out, “Who the hell are you and why on earth are you holding an umbrella…” I was dazed[,] and then I almost spat out, “Who the hell are you[,] and why on earth are you holding an umbrella…”

“Sorry, can’t do that.” She adjusted the green scarf around her neck. She was slim and a brunette. “So what do you suggest while we sit here.” I opened my mouth to say something but she spoke again, “And as for who I am, let’s just say that I’m a guardian angel.”, and broke into a smile (In this paragraph, the POV isn't clear.)

Overall Impression:

A story with immense potential upon a man's chance meeting with a stranger.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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27

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14 days may be credited.

#3443548

Review of Encounter With A Stranger

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

Apologies for the inordinate delay in judging this contest. I have no excuse to offer except the obstinacy of my lethargy. Please do pardon me. As a small token of my gratitude for your patience, please do accept this gift of 1000 GPs.

The title:

A simple title. It is also too similar to the prompt. You could look at 'The Liberator' or 'Freedom.'

Brief description:

A woman's blind date leads to an unfortunate outcome.

The characters:

The woman's character is well-developed. Her frustrations and aimlessness are powerfully depicted. The male lead was slightly weak.

Kudos and Applause:

An unique take on the prompt.

I was impressed with the following instances of detailing in your story:
1. The opening paragraph where you describe the setting and the ambience.
2. The description of the corpse.
3. The killer's actions after the crime.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

It would help to understand what led the woman to lead such a wasteful lifestyle.In the absence of that, she doesn't elicit much sympathy. I also felt that the character was too impersonal. A name, a bit about her family background, a glimpse into her dreams and aspirations would make this a much more poignant read.

The male lead could also do with some work. A serial killer is always a fascinating topic if dealt with correctly.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

No errors spotted.

Overall Impression:

An 'attention-grabbing' tale about a young woman's unhappy existence from which there seems no escape until she meets a stranger in a bar.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.3/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .

28

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14 days may be credited.

#3412801

Review of A Homecoming Dance To Remember

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

The title is fine but could have been more eye catching. You may consider cutting the last two words 'To remember'. 'A Homecoming Dance' sounds smarter.

Brief description:

A story about a life changing incident that leads to the maturing of the relationship between two twins and their father.

The characters:

The whole story revolves around the relationship between the two twins. You could have taken more time to show the nuances of the relationship. You did bring out the tension, but it could have been more palpable. This would have made the characters more real and the story more interesting.

Kudos and Applause:

You follow the prompt.

An original and unique storyline.

The tensed beginning hooks in the reader. It is a smart way of making sure that she reads the story to know the final outcome.

I came across the following instances of detailing in your story
1. The glimpse into Jason's mind when he sits on the bleachers and worries about how to face his brother and father.
2. Mickey's reaction when he sees Jason wounded and bleeding.

It was heartening to know how the story pans out in the end.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

Please try and avoid the excessive usage of the passive voice. I am referring to the usage of 'was.'. It repeats 35 times in your story.

I would have liked to read a couple of exchanges between the twins. This would be one way of showing the complexity of the relationship.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Jason broke the window, but Mickey will be held responsible. Dad will say that Mickey should have kept a better eye on Jason. Jason would break the window, but Mickey would be held responsible. Dad would say that Mickey should have kept a better eye on Jason. (You need to be consistent with the tense.)

groudn ground (Typo)

Overall Impression:

An interesting glimpse into the relationship between two twins.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 3.5/5

Unputdownability: 3.5/5

Ending: 3.5/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 3.6/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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29

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14 days may be credited.

#3412789

Review of She Was...

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

To be honest, the title beat me at first. Once I went through your story, it made much more sense. The title though unconventional and risky could be a could ploy to ensnare the reader.

Brief description:

Damon has fallen for Brenna and wants to propose to her, but fate has other plans.

The characters:

Good characterization. I could visualize all the characters and appreciate their feelings.

Kudos and Applause:

You follow the prompt.

The following instances of Detailing in your story are noteworthy.
1. Brenna's description.
2. Damon and Claude's description and the special relationship they share.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

A short story of this length is better narrated from one POV. Here you switch to Claude's POV for a few lines. This kind of 'Head-hopping' is jarring.

There is potential in the Damon-Brenna relationship that is not fully exploited.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

“Yeah, guess so. Let’s go” said Damon coldly, as he walked ahead. “Yeah, guess so. Let’s go[,]” said Damon coldly, as he walked ahead.

With those words Damon walked ahead and Claude knew that whoever it was, she had just saved him from Damon’s wrath. With those words Damon walked ahead[,] and Claude knew that whoever it was, she had just saved him from Damon’s wrath.

I am and I am so excited. I am[,] and I am so excited.

Overall Impression:

A short story about a budding romance that leads to tragic consequences.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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30

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14 days may be credited.

#3382555

Review of The Place With No Name

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty

, do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Interesting title.

Brief description:

A story about prehistoric tribes where a woman is impregnated not only by her lover, but also by the other males of the lover's family.

The characters:

These are really horny creatures!

. Good job on the character development. The female lead is sensuous and passionate. Her lover a hunk of a virile man. Even the support cast (Old Man and his wife], though made brief appearances, were effective.

Kudos and Applause:

Lots of erotic elements run through your story.

The acts are described in a few words only, but made for an entertaining read.

I loved the part where you describe about the 'rich milk of her fountain.'

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

In this sentence, it is not clear what you mean by plumage: dangling his plumage before her. (In the next sentence you say she laughs at his insolence. I think you are hinting at his penis. If yes, I am not sure your entire audience will get it. Plumage has a distinct meaning totally unrelated to the genitalia.

)

This sentence is a different scene. You should try and put separators from the previous sentence. Something like XXX or ***. Otherwise, the transition is abrupt and jarring. He took her hand and led her to his Old One.

The wedding night scene is confusing. How many people take her?

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

At her plaintive and transcendent cries, the Old One entered the hut and his progeny took the place at the door. At her plaintive and transcendent cries, the Old One entered the hut[,] and his progeny took the place at the door.

Overall Impression:

An arousing tale of tribal customs where a woman mates with multiple partners.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 4/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Final Rating: 4.2/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .

31

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14 days may be credited.

#3382084

Review of Casual Sex

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty

, do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Good title.

Brief description:

A hard look at casual sex.

The characters:

Not relevant. You generalize, and it works well.

Kudos and Applause:

I loved the way you describe the emotional temptations which precipitates casual sex and the feeling of emptiness when you contemplate it the next day.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

None at all.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

None at all.

Overall Impression:

An excellent satirical take on casual sex.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 5/5

Final Rating: 4.7/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .

32

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3382083

Review of Little girl and the Dragon

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty

, do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Excellent metaphorical title.

Brief description:

A little girl loses her innocence when she is sexually abused by a man she trusts.

The characters:

A beautiful description of the girl's innocence. A powerful portrayal as well of the man who scars her mind.

Kudos and Applause:

This is a read I will not forget soon. You bring out the girl's innocence and happiness and then finally tell the story of how she is betrayed and abused by the man she trusts.

The girl's abuse is described in a graphic, hard-hitting way.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

I didn't understand why you compare woman with witches. Besides this, no other suggestion.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Nothing spotted.

Overall Impression:

Rating parameters

Storyline: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 5/5

Unputdownability: 5/5

Ending: 4/5

Final Rating: 4.6/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .

33

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3377230

Review of Limbo.

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Intriguing title.

Brief description:

Andy finds himself in a dark world where he encounters a sinister, yet alluring creature.

The characters:

Valerie definitely is the high point of your story. You create a vivid picture for your reader. I found her descriptions highly gripping.

Kudos and Applause:

An imaginative take on the prompt. This is one blonde I would rather not meet.

The overall impact of a haunting, surreal world where darkness prevails held my attention right through.

I was impressed with the following instances of detailing in your story

1. Valerie's descriptions where you first begin by describing her as a seductive woman and ending with the eventual reality.
2. The backdrop of darkness you create.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

In a story of this kind writers usually take the creative license of not tying up the loose ends. I firmly believe that this detracts from the pleasure of the read as this signifies the absence of a plot. I found this to be the singular big weakness in your tale. With just a little more work, this could have been a great read. Currently, it is good, but it could have been great. A few paragraphs on why he killed Valerie are all that were needed.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

elses else's

but my voice is shattered by the darkness. but my voice drowned in the darkness. (the version in your story reads a bit odd)

On the whole the editing is good, and I could spot no grammatical errors.

Overall Impression:

A haunting read about an encounter with a woman from the narrator's past.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 3.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.1/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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34

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14 days may be credited.

#3377227

Review of Amber

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

I, Prof Moriarty

, do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

A simplistic title. It would not draw your readers. You could think of 'A Part of Amber' or 'Amber Returns' or 'Amber's Locks.'

Brief description:

A daydreaming professor dreams that his long dead wife has returned to claim something that is rightfully hers.

The characters:

The premise is promising, but it needs some more work. The Professor's character confuses. Is he a drunkard or absent-minded or tired? The good thing is that the love between Amber and Moriarty came through in a touching manner.

Kudos and Applause:

Its an unique plot and a nice take on the prompt.

You were able to show the love between the Professor and his wife in an impactful way.

The following instances of detailing were good
1. The burial scene.
2. It was also interesting the way the relatives appear and then disappear.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

This could have been a great story. You a stunning plot. With a little work on tying up the lose ends, your story could improve by 100%. The circumstances of Amber's death need more clarification. The same with the Professor's mental state.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Your story doesn't have a consistency in tense. You keep switching from past tense to present tense. The accepted style is to write in the paste tense.

Your story needs to be edited for the quotes and punctuation in direct speech.

This sentence is confusing: He darted back to the library to his writing corner and looked around for the bottle or bottles that he must have sucked down to be so drunk he is hullicinating. The confusion is because of the last three words. You need to re-look at it. Also, it is hallucinating.

Realizing now that[,] though he is not drunk[,] something is going on he cannot explain. He realizes now that though he is not drunk something is going on he cannot explain.

Tears began to well up in his eyes and he closed them tightly. Tears began to well up in his eyes[,] and he closed them tightly.

On the whole, this story needs to be thoroughly edited for grammar and punctuation.

Overall Impression:

A good plot about a man who has lost his wife many years ago, but still can't forget her. Needs more work.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 2.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 4/5

Ending: 2.5/5

Final Rating: 3.5/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .

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35

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14 days may be credited.

#3377226

Review of Take my breath away

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Good, suggestive title.

Brief description:

A man takes courage and confesses his feelings to the woman of his dreams.

The characters:

You do a good job with Autumn, but I felt shortchanged about Detroit. Detroit's tender feelings though are brought out in a manner that is both refreshing and touching.

Kudos and Applause:

I liked this take on the prompt with the beginning of a budding romance.

I think the following instances of detailing were good:
1. Autumn's description.
2. Detroit's feelings and Autumn's response.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The story should have an 18+ rating.

Consider this sentence: The man named Detroit came dangerously close to her and held her slim waist. There is no need to say 'The man named.' You could just say 'Detroit came close to her.' You may omit the adverb dangerously. Doesn't add much to the line. Adverbs are at best avoided.

In this sentence the POV is confusing: "I am sorry. That's no way to treat a lady." You may consider introducing a dialog tag.

Consider this paragraph: She became even more confused....She looked like a Goddess. The problems here are extensive use of the passive voice which means usage of 'was'. The other issue is the number of times you use the word 'looked' in the last 4 sentences. This makes the read choppy and jarring. With a little work, this could be a nice paragraph. For example, instead of saying 'There was a small gold locket hanging...' you could say 'A small gold locket hung from...'

One more factor to be considered is 'head-hopping.' The story should have a consistent POV. In case of a short story like yours, try narrating everything from either Detroit or Autumn's POV. Currently, you are hopping between both.

Autumn submits too easily. Usually, women are not that fast. They take their time to understand and love to be gradually seduced.

Your story needs to be thoroughly edited for punctuation. I have pointed out some examples in the Technical Section, but there are more.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

What do you want from me Detroit? What do you want from me[,] Detroit?

I love you Autumn. I love you[,] Autumn

The room was hot and her thin white shirt clung on to her body. The room was hot[,] and her thin white shirt clung on to her body.

Overall Impression:

An enjoyable tale of a budding romance.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 3/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 3.8/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

** Image ID #1594064 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .

36

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14 days may be credited.

#3377225

Review of Lost souls

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Intriguing title. You could even consider 'Misguided Souls.'

Brief description:

Rivalry in love leads to disastrous consequences.

The characters:

Good job done in building Kim's character. I can see her passionate and possessive side. I wasn't too convinced about Leila and Gordon though. Leila appears too naive and Gordon too soft.

Kudos and Applause:

You follow the prompt.

I observed the following examples of good detailing in your story
1. The murder scene was powerful and shocking.
2. Exploration of Jake's box. Realistic.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

I was not convinced about the murderer because after reading the description of the corpse I was expecting the killer to be someone really strong and violent. The end involving Gordon is too convenient. Even the discovery of the murderer is unconvincing.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

‘Yeah, I was’ she replied, ‘Yeah, I was[,]’ she replied, (This comma at the end of the dialog and within the quotes is missing throughout your story.One more example is given below.

‘He took those on our first date’ cried Kim. ‘He took those on our first date[,]’ cried Kim.

You need to edit your story for punctuation errors.

Overall Impression:

A fairly common plot about a jilted lover.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 3.5/5

Unputdownability: 4/5

Ending: 3.5/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 3.6/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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#3377221

Review of Mark's Mysterious Blonde

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

The title is nice. I wonder what would be the impact if you change this to 'Mark's Mysterious Blonde.'

Brief description:

Mark gets obsessed with a beautiful blonde woman he sees frequently and begins to fantasize about her.

The characters:

The blonde is described in a picturesque manner. Her enthralled beauty, lush curves and melodious voice were a joy to behold through your words. Her age group and voluptuous figure made her particularly appealing to me.

Kudos and Applause:

A good take on the prompt.

You keep the reader guessing right through regarding the blonde's identity.

A smart beginning that hooks the reader.

I appreciate your brand of shocking humour at the end.

I enjoyed the following examples of detailing in your story:-
1. What a breathtaking description of the blonde!
2. The various dresses of the blonde prevented this from becoming a monotonous read.
2. You weaved into your story in a believable fashion Mark's activities like shopping or jogging or going to a movie. All the activities are fairly commonplace, believable and illustrated well.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

He began to feel like there was a bond between them, even though a word had never passed between them. (The usage of 'them' in close succession makes the read choppy.) He began to feel as if they shared a bond, even though a word had never passed between them.

Marks confession at the end reads contrived and unbelievable. An embezzler would certainly not be so naive.

Also, the mystery about how the blonde was always around Mark was not resolved till the end.

You do say about Mark's obsession for the blonde. This should be powerfully expressed. Also, show us some of his fantasies.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Nothing spotted.

Overall Impression:

A well-written story about a man's fantasy for a woman he sees once and who begins to plague his dreams and fantasies.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.3/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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#3377212

Review of A Too Expensive Meal

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Good title.

Brief description:

Ben takes Leslie out for lunch where he makes a startling discovery about her past.

The characters:

Great characterization of Leslie. Ben and Roy also come across well. I would not give much away because that would break the surprise for the reader. To conclude, I was impressed with the impact you achieve in so few words.

Kudos and Applause:

What an enchanting tale! You hooked me right when Roy presents the bill. After that, I just couldn't wait till I reached the end. This is the hallmark of great writing.

The following instances of detailing were simply awesome:
1. The description of Leslie's beauty before Ben receives the note.
2. The gradual revelation once he receives the bill, the small hints you drop about what Leslie's voice and hands...Simply breathtaking.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

I have a small observation. You should make this a random lunch date and not a birthday lunch. If a girl would agree to a man taking her out on her birthday, it would certainly mean that that man is very special to her.

The other point is the first person narration. The last two paragraphs do not gel with this. You'd do well to shift everything to a third person narrative.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

We both had the day off today and she agreed to me taking her out to lunch for her birthday. We both had the day off today[,] and she agreed to me taking her out to lunch for her birthday.

I looked around for Roy and I found him standing by the host staring in my direction. I looked around for Roy[,] and I found him standing by the host staring in my direction.

This sentence gets split into two lines which is distracting. Also, the quotes aren't closed: “Roy, they’re looking for you on table three,” the man told him. I caught Roy’s eyes. He had to go.

Overall Impression:

A brilliant tale about a man who realizes that the woman he adores is not quite what he thinks she is. A must read.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 5/5

Unputdownability: 5/5

Ending: 5/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.8/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Congratulations on winning the 1st Place in the contest. I am sending your GP award with this review.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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#3370207

Review of Revelation

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Good title.

Brief description:

A strange creature wreaks havoc upon earth after years of inactivity.

The characters:

The creature's destructive power is powerfully portrayed. It is not clear that he is a vampire though your brief destruction mentions so. However, it doesn't diminish the impact of your character. To me he appears more like a demon. Great job.

Kudos and Applause:

There is haunting, surreal quality in your writing which kept me at the edge of my chair till the end. I believe this to be the hallmark of great writing. Your talent comes across clearly.

The scene where he cuts out the heart is so graphic and shocking.

Your language skills are extraordinary.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

Some more insight into why the creature behaves as such would help. What is he actually chasing? Eternal youth? Immortality?

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Nothing spotted.

Overall Impression:

A haunting read of a demon's destructive traits.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 5/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4/5

Final Rating: 4.4/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM

"Anniversary Reviews"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .

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#3370194

Review of Triple Danger

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

The title could be more dramatic. Something like 'The Man Who Cheated on His Wife' or 'The Wrath of the Scorned Wife.'These are just ideas. In fact your story itself as an excellent title, 'Triple Danger.'

Brief description:

A man who regularly cheats on his wife goes through some life changing encounters.

The characters:

I was impressed with the three constituents of 'The Triple Danger.' You describe them in graphic words which gives them a life like quality. Leonardo also stood out. Rodger could have done with some more work. Some more details like his job or an insight into his mind explaining why he cheats would be interesting. Maybe, he doesn't get enough sex from his wife or he is just bored. Something like that. The same goes for Rodger's wife.

Kudos and Applause:

An innovative plot.

Good dialogs and slick writing.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The transition from the encounter with Leonardo to the experience with Julia is abrupt and confusing.

It is also not clear how could Rodger's wife have such strange friends.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Nothing spotted.

Overall Impression:

A moral story about the pitfalls of infidelity.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 5/5

Ending: 4/5

Final Rating: 4.4/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .

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#3370188

Review of Peripheral Visions

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Good title.

Brief description:

A psychologist starts sessions with a mentally disturbed female patient. The very first encounter affects the doctor in a profound manner.

The characters:

Great job done both on Lisa and the doctor. Even the support cast that include Lisa's husband and the doctors golfing buddies develop well. Even Patches came alive in the words of your story.

Kudos and Applause:

Lucid, fast-paced writing. You had my rapt, wide-eyed attention right till the very end.

You have a gift of moving the story forward with dialogs. Good example of 'showing.'

The gory scenes were really shocking.

You also added a touch of humor when you spell out what it was that Patches was chewing upon.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

I was left wondering whether Lisa was actually sane and started her sessions with the doctor to gain clemency on grounds of madness. This could be a good twist in your tale.

The voodoo thing needed to be developed more.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

None spotted.

Overall Impression:

A superb tale of gore and afflicted minds.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 5/5

Unputdownability: 5/5

Ending: 4/5

Final Rating: 4.8/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .

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#3369660

Review of Unraveled Tapestry

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Beautiful.

Brief description:

An incurable mental illness strikes a beautiful mother of six children.

The characters:

Your mother comes alive in your words, Winnie. This is powerful characterization. Outstanding work.

Kudos and Applause:

Reading this story gave me goosebumps and my eyes got wet. It's a touching, poignant read.

The entire piece is written in a lucid language and the pace is fast. I just couldn't stop till I reached the end. And, then I cried.

You have a flair for words and an eye for detailing. Some examples are descriptions of what you do with your pigtails, your mom raising one eyebrow, the way she tries to say that she is still in charge. I loved the opening and the portrayal of a happy family.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

None at all. This is perfection itself.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Click didn’t know he was a dog and we let him hold onto his illusions of humanness. Click didn’t know he was a dog[,] and we let him hold onto his illusions of humanness. (Even experts make mistakes.

)

Daddy was long gone and I missed his funny sayings and his laughter. Daddy was long gone[,] and I missed his funny sayings and his laughter.

Mama talked about how her and Daddy met after the war, Mama talked about how she and Daddy met after the war,

She’d raise that one eyebrow and I knew I was in trouble. She’d raise that one eyebrow[,] and I knew I was in trouble.

I know it seems like a lot, Winnie, but I don’t know when I’ll get out to the store again and I don’t want to keep bothering you. I know it seems like a lot, Winnie, but I don’t know when I’ll get out to the store again[,] and I don’t want to keep bothering you.

One day, I noticed she had three copies of the same book and I asked her about it. One day, I noticed she had three copies of the same book[,] and I asked her about it.

Overall Impression:

A tragic tale of how an intractable illness takes its toll on a happy family. A must read.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 5/5

Unputdownability: 5/5

Ending: 5/5

Final Rating: 4.9/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM

"Anniversary Reviews"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .

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#3369617

Review of Bikeriders Guest Book

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

It is my privilege to judge the PDG Guest Book Challenge.

This review is only my personal opinion. Sip what you think useful and discard the rest. Most importantly, do not let anything upset or discourage you. Since this is your public face, I will assign a 5 rating within the WDC system to all the Guest Books. For the sake of the contest, I will use the rating mentioned at the bottom of the review.

Creativity and Innovation: I really enjoyed the brief descriptions you provided for every link.

Aesthetic Appeal:Nice. The image in tandem with your name looks cute.

Quality of Information:Excellent. I loved reading about you as a person. I know you so much better now.

Suggestions, if any: Some small punctuation errors. Otherwise, this is as perfect as it can get.

Rating out of 10: 10

A Paper Doll Newbie Group graduation signature

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#3365585

Review of Penance

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. I mustered a lot of courage to review a Moderator. If I erred, feel free to admonish me as you would an errant child.

The title:

Great title.

Brief description:

A woman with a deadly secret lures men to her house.

The characters:

Laura's is such a tragic and unhappy character. Her pain sits like an unbearable burden on the reader's mind. One can only feel sorry for her hapless victims who pay a dear price for their escapade.

Kudos and Applause:

Your story has a believable plot which is a rare thing for stories in the horror genre. Most of them conjure such fanciful stories which read ludicrous and far from scary.

Your descriptions and imagery took my breath away.

Laura's provocative dresses and the lust of men hoping for a romp formed an entertaining and arousing read.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

Nothing at all.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Nothing spotted. Like all your other works this is neatly edited.

Overall Impression:

A tragic and scary tale about a woman's unfulfilled love.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 5/5

Unputdownability: 5/5

Ending: 5/5

Final Rating: 5/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3362247

Review of The Doctor Is In Part 1

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty

, do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

The title could be more interesting. You could sue something like 'Fatal Obsession' or 'White Obsession.'

Brief description:

A black woman is troubled with erotic dreams involving white men. She visits a psychologist for comfort.

The characters:

I really couldn't see much of character building. Except for knowing that the central character is a black woman obsessed with white men, I hardly got to know anything. This makes it difficult to enjoy the story.

Kudos and Applause:

You have the potential to develop this into a sensuous plot.

The masturbation scene at the end is arousing.

I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The story could be more teasing. You could break her dream into smaller dialogs and have the doctor ask some innocent questions. As of now it reads like a mechanical confession. You do show her excitement as she narrates the dream, but these should be stronger.

The end is abrupt.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

No errors spotted.

Overall Impression:

An interesting beginning to the relationship between a black woman and her white psychologist.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Final Rating: 4.3/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
"Anniversary Reviews"

NEVER ARGUE WITH A READER. SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .

46

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14 days may be credited.

#3359680

Review of Fishing With Bamboo

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Interesting title.

Brief description:

A man describes the pleasures of fishing in an ideal setting and using a bamboo rod.

The characters:

No characterization visible. It didn't impact your story as such because you have succeeded in telling your readers about fishing. However, the enjoyment would have been a bit more if there could have been some more details about the character. For example, he could be a lawyer or a teacher. It would mean that fishing can be pursued as a leisure activity by professionals from totally unrelated field. (For the want of clarification I will assume the character to be a male.)

Kudos and Applause:

I liked your take on the prompt. It's appealing and interesting.

Your story dwells not upon the physical exertion or the elation of victory which is what sports represents to most people, but on the purely recreational aspect. I really appreciate that. Sports is fun and entertainment. Not only competition and exhaustion.

Your entire emphasis is on the experience and though no fish is caught at the end, the protagonist leaves a happy man. There is a lesson in this. Learn to enjoy the moment or the act itself rather then pray for an achievement every time.

I came across the following good examples of detailing in your story.

The description of the setting when he enters the river with the fishing pole.

Your explanation on how bamboo rods are different from other fishing rods.

The experience of what happens when a fish falls for the bait and the overall description of fishing.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

This paragraph was a bit blurred to me: After sitting there for...fly fishing around here. I couldn't establish the linkage between absence of wind and fish not rising to the surface.

There is one aspect of your story which might not go down well with your readers. It is the narrative style. First person narration is not popular though I use it a lot. You might also receive feedback that your story 'tells' and doesn't 'show.' This is an inherent problem of the first person. You could beat it by actually actually catching a fish and describing how you do it. At the end you could release it back making your story more popular.

Your story hops between past tense and present tense. You should stick to past tense, do all the detailing in the past tense by actually describing how you caught a fish and then release it back into the waters. In this way you could evade the allegation of 'telling.' There is one more benefit in doing it this way. You skirt the other issue I have with your story; the absence of a plot.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

It was one of those few evenings without a breath of air stirring and the river looked like a mirror; a slowly, lazily moving mirror. It was one of those few evenings without a breath of air stirring[,] and the river looked like a mirror; a slowly, lazily moving mirror.

After sitting there for awhile I noticed that the fish weren’t rising to eat as they usually do in the evenings. After sitting there for awhile[,] I noticed that the fish weren’t rising to eat as they usually do in the evenings.

Overall Impression:

A well-detailed description of the experience of fishing.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 3/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 4/5

Ending: 4/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 3.9/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

** Image ID #1594064 Unavailable **

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14 days may be credited.

#3359677

Review of Finish Line

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Just by itself, the title appears plain and uninteresting. When you see it in the context of the Sports genre, it assumes a different connotation; suddenly, it looks very promising. However, the endeavor should be to make the title stand out on its own without the support of the genre. Many times, readers will not pay attention to the genre. In such instances, the title falls through. Embedded within the depth of your story, I came across a phrase which could be a wonderful title. It is 'The Walk of Shame.'

Brief description:

The travails of a woman who attempts her first half mile race.

The characters:

Your main character's determination and spirit comes through strongly. Good job. You could throw in a few more tidbits to make your character real and inspiring. Mention the age and her profession. She may also be suffering from some ailments which makes her completion of the race more significant.

Kudos and Applause:

Great job with the prompt.

I got the strong moral message 'Never give up.'

The following examples of detailing impressed me:-

I could feel the pain of the athlete as she takes the final strides toward the finish line.

The scene where she looks down and sees the pavement racing in the opposite direction was done well.

The description of the finishing line with the digital line, the cheering crowds, and the tables with water and bagels painted a vivid picture.

On the whole, this is a positive piece which makes a strong case for perseverance and hard work.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The story lacked soul because I get to know very little about the athlete. An insight into her mind would have certainly helped. One would like to know what is her motivation behind taking up such a strenuous form of exercise.

The ending was a bit anti-climatic. You could have devoted some space to her elation and excitement on her achievement. The way she behaves is too 'matter of fact.'

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

This part reads a bit choppy: At the point of exhaustion I have always thought back to being in labor One suggestion would be: I had discovered a way of recovering from my exhaustion. I reminded myself of my labor

Overall Impression:

A good story in the sports genre about determination and purpose.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 3.5/5

Unputdownability: 4/5

Ending: 3.5/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 3.9/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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14 days may be credited.

#3359674

Review of The Touch

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Good title. I suggest you have a more elaborate brief description. Just saying 'My contest entry' will not attract readers. You could say something like 'A young woman's quest for fencing glory.' This is just a suggestion. I am sure you could think of something much better.

Brief description:

A sports loving woman starts taking fencing classes and realizes that she has special talent for the sport.

The characters:

I loved Leena's character. She seems vivacious, competitive and loves sports.

. I wonder if you could thrown in a boy friend as well. Romance would have endeared her even more to your readers. Again, that's just my thought. I am a hopeless romantic.

Kudos and Applause:

You followed the prompt well.

The following cases of detailing stood out for me.

Both the fencing bouts. One where she lost and the other which she won.

A special mention must be made of her deft winning move at the end.

I liked the part where Leena practices hard, takes advise from her coach and other experienced fencers, and sets her heart upon winning.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

I felt somehow that the story at times reads choppy. One reason could be excessive use of the words 'was' and 'got.' If you expand your vocabulary and cut down on these two words, this story will improve by 100%. I will take some examples below.

Leena Sharpe was never seen around doing housework when her mother needed her. She was either outside finding animals to bring inside or playing with her brothers and the boys of the neighborhood. Mostly outside finding animals or playing with her brothers, Leena Sharpe rarely came to her mother's aid in doing chores around the house.

Team sports was lots of fun but there was nothing like individual sports that let Leena be responsible for all of her victories and losses. Though Leena enjoyed team sports, she loved individual sports more because of the personal accountability of victories and losses.

She waited for the judge to check the equipment and then got behind her starting point line. Standing behind the starting point line, she waited for the judge to inspect the equipment.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

No errors spotted except for the excessive use of passive voice. I would stress that technically there is nothing wrong with that, but your story comes across much stronger if you replace it with more verbs.

Overall Impression:

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 3.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4.5/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.1/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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14 days may be credited.

#3359669

Review of The Match of a Lifetime

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

The title is nice but could be catchier. Something like 'The Game of Honor' or maybe 'The Challenge.' These are just more ideas. I liked your title as well.

Brief description:

Chris, the school's second best tennis player challenges Budd, the No. 1 ranked player when the letter insults Frank, Chris' friend.

The characters:

Nice job done. The characters contrast strongly making the rivalry more intense. Chris is the loyal friend. Budd the bully. Chris is the fighter. Budd is just haughty and arrogant.

Kudos and Applause:

You followed the prompt to perfection.

Great job on the detailing. Normally, I point the specific instances of detailing that strike me as extraordinary. However, in this case I shall desists because I could find it in every paragraph. You capture the essence of the match in a superb manner. It reminded me of a chapter in my high school where there was the description of a match between Jaroslav Drobny and Ken Rosewall.

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The end could have been more dramatic. You need to bring out the exhilaration and the elation of victory.

Chris doesn't seem to get exhausted at all. This appeared a bit strange to me.

There could have been more plot and tension. You could dwell a bit more on the Chris-Budd rivalry. You also need to clarify how Budd insults Frank.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

The energy coursed through my body. Energy coursed through my body.

Now here we were. Now[,] here we were.

If I could just get past his serve I could win this match. If I could just get past his serve[,] I could win this match.

Somehow I got my racket on it and the ball was returned deep on his side of the court. Somehow I got my racket on it[,] and the ball was returned deep on his side of the court.

Overall Impression:

A good description of a cliffhanger of a tennis match.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4.5/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4/5

Unputdownability: 4.5/5

Ending: 4/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.2/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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50

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3359667

Review of The Final Leg

Review by Prof Moriarty

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

I, Prof Moriarty , review your story as a judge of "The Creative Detailing Contest " [13+]. Thanks for entering this contest. Kindly note that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully understand and appreciate the time and effort it would have taken to create this item.

The title:

Good title.

Brief description:

A second placed car racer makes a desperate attempt to win.

The characters:

Tom's sheer need to succeed was palpable. I could feel his tension and his insecurities. I was wondering if you could have thrown him more details about him. Statistics like how many races he has competed in and whether he has won any of them. You could also make this into a rivalry with the guy in the first place. In that case you need to build up the rival's character as well. All that would take more time but would make the story much more engrossing.

Kudos and Applause:

I enjoyed your take on the prompt.

I was impressed by Tom's desperation to succeed. That is the true hallmark of a champion. The hunger never ends. To most people a second position would mean a significant accomplishment, but people like Tom are made of a different mold.

The story develops at a fast pace.

I was pleased with the following instances of detailing in your story

Tom's struggles while driving; the way he concentrates and sweats were quite gripping.Also, the way you introduce him with his helmet and overalls was well done.

The description of the race track with the cliffs and bends.

You painted a vivid imagery of the wheels as they negotiated all the twists and turns.

What a graphic last paragraph!

I have a few Humble Suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

Some of the detailing was unnecessary. For example, you mention the beetles and the insects. I can't see any relevance of that to the story because they do not influence Tom in any way nor is he aware of their existence. It would be different if a man were taking a morning walk and he comes across such creatures. They would still not impact him, but at least he sees them, perhaps, crawling around. One could then relate to that detailing.

Their should be a consistency in the tense. The story is mostly written in the Past tense which is correct, but in between there are jarring switches. For example, this sentence is in Present tense: the rising cliff faces stretching high into the cloudless sky,

You need to edit your story and break up some of the sentences. I have demonstrated some cases in the Technical Section, but they are not exhaustive.

Technical, Grammar and Spelling:

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

The final leg of the rally and just one car still ahead[,] the finish line was tantalisingly near and yet victory seemed impossible. The final leg of the rally and just one car still ahead. The finish line was tantalisingly near, yet victory seemed impossible.

Thoughts of winning vanished as soon as they came however, something was wrong However, thoughts of winning vanished as soon as they came. He sensed something amiss.

Overall Impression:

A good portrayal of the outcome of a car racer's desperate bid to come first.

Rating parameters

Storyline: 4.5/5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings): 4/5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 4.5/5

Unputdownability: 5/5

Ending: 4/5

Degree of Detailing Score: 4.4/5

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards

Moriarty

Never argue with a reader. She is always right.

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