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101
101
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully appreciate the time and effort that has gone into creating this item.

*FlowerR* The title :

I liked your title. Even “The Whisperer” would have been intriguing. Good job. *Thumbsup*

*LeafR* Brief description:

A piper with magical powers in his music visits a town, draws out all the animals from the neighboring forest as well as the people of the town. A huge commotion starts when he stops playing and the spell of his music is broken.

*Ornament2R* The characters :

You did a good job with the piper. I liked his name, physical description and the special powers that you attribute to him. Joseph’s characterization isn’t clear. He appears to be some sort of a leader, but we are forced to guess and assume. You do well with Brutus, creating an impatient, impetuous and foolish man.

*GiftB* Kudos and Applause:

You do have a gift of creating vibrant imagery with words as is evident in the first two paragraphs. This is a natural skill. It doesn’t come easily to everyone. It would help you to know that you possess a rare quality of ‘showing’ with words, rather than ‘telling’.

Though the storyline is not original, you do improvise it by adding some twists. For example, hunters and the prey stand next to each other along with humans.

*Paste* I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :

The commotion scene when the piper stops playing could have been made more dramatic. For example, women could scream on seeing the ferocious wolf, children would be excite with the deer, wild elephants attack the men etc
You need to work more on Joseph’s characterization. What makes him so influential? Is he a prince or a leader? You just mention that he is a warrior.

There is a lack of consistency in the quality of the writing. The first two paragraphs were much better than the rest of the story. Perhaps, you started with greater meticulousness, but then hurried through to meet some deadline. Pardon me if I am wrong.

This story needs a thorough edit. I spotted some mistakes that I have mentioned below, but there are a lot more as well.

*Cut*Technical, Grammar and Spelling

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

“He’s coming,” They would say “He’s coming,” they would say

From the forest came many creatures of many shapes and sizes From the forest came many creatures of various shapes and sizes ( Avoid repeating any word, in this case ‘man’, in close proximity. It takes away the pleasure of reading)

their body’s called by the soothing song their bodies hypnotized called by the soothing song

Soon there stood a mismatched group of souls, many the hunters others the prey. Yet all stayed transfixed on the dusty road, and the horizons bright halo of light. Soon a mismatched group of hunters and their prey, stood side by side. They were all transfixed on the dusty road, and the horizon’s bright halo of light.

Then beneath the horizon’s halo of light, the silhouette of a figure appeared, The silhouette of a figure appeared in the horizon.

“Hello, I am the Whisperer, a traveling piper, famous throughout the Five Forests. Here on my journey to the Kings castle[.]“ the man said, his voice still echoing with the music he had just played. “Hello, I am the Whisperer, a traveling piper, famous throughout the Five Forests. Here on my journey to the Kings castle.[,]” the man said, his voice still echoing with the music he had just played.

Joseph turned confused not knowing what was going on, but his instinct said to grab the paper and pretend he’d never seen it. Though confused with what was going on, Joseph’s instincts told him to grab the paper and pretend he’d never seen it.

I’ll be back. I will be back. ( Put this in italics as nobody is actually speaking this. Also I think it would be more effective if you do not use contraction here.)

Just above Joseph, in a pine far above the ground floor sat the Whisperer surrounded by the birds of the skies. Just above Joseph, in a pine far above the ground sat the Whisperer surrounded by the birds of the skies.

*BalloonR* Overall Impression :

*Pencil*Rating parameters


Storyline: 4. / 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings):3.5/ 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 3.5 / 5

Unputdownability:4.5 / 5

Ending:4.5 / 5

Final Rating: 4 / 5



Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards
Moriarty

** Image ID #1517194 Unavailable **

102
102
Review of Unexpected Gift  
Review by Prof Moriarty
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I, Prof Moriarty do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully appreciate the time and effort that has gone into creating this item.

*FlowerR* The title :

A nice title. But the word ‘unexpected’ does not bring out sufficiently the pleasantness of the gift. I tried to generate some alternatives for you. ‘The Dream Gift’ or ‘Sweet Fulfillment’.

*LeafR* Brief description:

Two longtime friends discover a passion for each other they didn’t know existed.

*Ornament2R* The characters :

Good description of Melanie’s emotional turmoil. You do well to make the reader ‘sense and feel’ her friendship with Eric. I also think you did a pretty neat job in bringing out Eric’s popularity in the Marsh household.

Janice was a surprise package. I adored her. There was a lot of detailing in portraying her mis-pronunciations. It worked well. I studied your port and know that you write for your nephew. I think you observe him closely which helps your detailing.*Thumbsup*

*GiftB* Kudos and Applause:

I liked the way you brought the niece into the picture, especially the ‘whirlwind’ bit.

Melanie’s fantasy about Eric and Janice was sweet.

I enjoyed the scene where Melanie wipes away the trace of nutmeg from her lips. You ‘showed’ well.

I could visualize the happy Marsh family enjoying their Christmas. You manage this through your dialogues and interactions with Eric. Great job.

*Paste* I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember you are the best judge of your writing :

The part where Mrs. Marsh asks Eric about his love life appeared contrived. She had hardly spoken to him after he arrived in their house and the first question she puts to him is on his love life. You could introduce a couple of other small one line conversations before you come to this.

Eric’s feelings for Mel seem to grow too fast. In the case of Melanie the reader is comfortable because she already has a crush on him. Maybe you could think about Eric also nurturing some fancies for her which is slightly beyond a ‘vanilla’ friendship. In the absence of that his reaction appears to be motivated more by desire.

I think the kissing scene needs more passion given the importance it plays in your story. I recognize the challenge here because you have selected a 13+ rating for your story. But in the absence of more feelings I experienced the lack of a ‘soul’. Consider the following:

1. Eric doesn’t seem to be relishing the kiss much. The only pleasure he derives is when his hands touch her bare
skin. I am sure that is not what you meant because he finds her so desirable. Melanie’s feelings are brought
out well.
2. While describing this scene there is some ‘head-hopping’. You make rapid switches in the POV. This left me
slightly unsatisfied. I think when you’re describing the pleasure of Mel, dwell on her for some time before you
switch to Eric.
3. There is no mention of how they breathe of how their heart races when they kiss. This could greatly enhance the
emotional connect with your audience.


*Cut*Technical, Grammar and Spelling

The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The red sentences in red are how they currently appear in your story. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.

Eric had said he would be here at four, and it was just turning that now. Eric had said he would be here at four. She looked at her digital wristwatch. It read 15:58. Almost there! ( I wasn’t comfortable with the way “and it was just turning that now” sounds )

Her breath caught at how good it felt to be held by someone. She felt breathless at how good it felt to be held by someone.

disappointment at being let go so soon disappointment at being released so soon

Eric leaned against his car. “Typical traffic in the city, and, no, I decided to come here first.” Eric leaned against his car. “Typical traffic in the city. No. Came here first.” (Try and visualize how the characters would interact in real life. My feeling is it would lean more toward the sentence in bold}

The' ****' you use for creating period break would look better if centralized.

She was tense She was tensed

or seeing her for the first time in forever ( I am not sure what the word ‘forever’ means in this context)

He always did that, she mused, included her. ( This sentence wasn’t clear )

*BalloonR* Overall Impression :

A charming tale of a longtime friendship blossoming into a full fledged romance.

*Pencil*Rating parameters


Storyline: 4.5 / 5

Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings):4 / 5

Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 3.5 / 5

Unputdownability:4 / 5

Ending:4.5 / 5

Final Rating: 4.1 / 5



Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards
Moriarty
218143218143

** Image ID #1518196 Unavailable **

103
103
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The following review is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging and pertinent. However, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully appreciate the time and effort that has gone into creating this item. But if you find my feedback offensive and demeaning, please be rest assured that it is entirely unintentional.

*FlowerR* The title :

Thinking a good title is always a challenge. “The box in the corner,” is suitable, but not intriguing to hook the reader. I tried to generate some options but could only come up with “The Quilt of Memories” or “The Magical Cure for Barrenness” or “The Sweet Pain of Childbirth.”

*LeafR* The item :

An emotional story about a woman who misses her family.

Firstly please accept my compliments for such a unique storyline. Normally, I am smart at detecting a story's outcome much before I reach till the end. But I never saw it in this case. *Thumbsup*

All the four incidents that you described from Timmy, Maria, Sam and James’ past were well done. You switch effortlessly from emotion to humor to tragedy. Quite extraordinary.

*Ornament2R* The characters :

Patty is quite extraordinary. All the four kids also play their role well. Even little James touched my heart for whatever small act he played.

*NoteR* Suggestions :

Nothing major, but I think you should work a bit more on the sentence construction. Consider this for example. “ For the first time in her life, she felt a completeness she had never known.” If it is for the first time in her life, then what is the point in saying that she had never known. You could just say “For the first time in her life, she felt complete.”

Similarly, look at this para “In the morning, James was still there, but the news turned grim. The doctors said he likely only had a few hours. He was dying. The infection was too strong. His lungs were too weak. Her little baby, was not going to make it. So, they dressed him in the onesie with “Our little angel” embroidered on the front and she finally got to hold him. It was the longest hour of her life as James passed away. In this the “He was dying” , “The infection was too strong” , “His lungs were too weak” and“Her little baby was not going to make it are all redundant. Also when a mother is hugging her dying child she would consider that the shortest hour of her life and not the longest.

You need to kill the ‘was” in this para: Timmy’s senses were tingling. The sweat was pouring from his forehead as he anticipated the batter’s swing. The game was on the line and he was in his usual place, centerfield. The crack was almost deafening as the crowd reacted to the drive. Timmy immediately knew the ball was hit well. His reaction was swift You may consider the following

Senses tingling, Sweat pouring from his forehead, Timmy anticipated the batter’s swing. The game was on the line and from his usual centerfield position he heard the deafening roar of the crowd as it reacted to the crack sound of the drive. Realizing that the ball was hit well, Tommy reacted swiftly.”

infectional infectious

*BalloonR* Overall Impression :

A poignant tale of human relations.


Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission. I really enjoyed your story so much that I am sending you back the GPs. The pleasure of reading your brilliant work is suficent for me. But I do appreciate your gesture and a special thanks for the same.

Wish you all the best.

Regards
Moriarty
218143218143
This feedback and rating is being provided because you have listed your item on the "Please Review" . I hope you find my comments meaningful.
104
104
Review of Ghostwriter  
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: E | (4.0)
The following review is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging and pertinent. However, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully appreciate the time and effort that has gone into creating this item. But if you find my feedback offensive and demeaning, please be rest assured that it is entirely unintentional.

*FlowerR* The title :

A good, appropriate and catchy title.

*LeafR* The item :

A writer has been struggling with his writing for over a year and is on the verge of seeing his publishing dreams turn to dust.
You move your story forward using effective dialogues. All the conversations sounded natural and believable. Great job done ! *Thumbsup*

A very vivid description of the fleamarket.

*Ornament2R* The characters :

You give a good description of Leo and Arlo and I could visualize them clearly in my mind. I could see it all; their old ages, labored movements, and tired faces.

*NoteR* Suggestions :

I am not too comfortable with stories written in the present tense. There is an unreal quality about it. How can you keep writing about something which is happening at that very moment?

Though I understood perfectly what you meant by “fleatique”, the word did not appear in any dictionary I looked into. I would rather stick to “flea market.”

In the following paragraph the name Ed is repeated several times. Also, it may need an edit as many words are getting repeated in close proximity which is a bit disconcerting for the reader.

Ed’s eyes drop to the table and the stuff displayed there. The table contains a lot of what Ed has already seen today : old power tools, discolored dishware, car parts, clothes. As his eyes scan, something in a case off by itself catches his attention. Ed has seen a case like this before. He reaches down and picks up the shiny pen case, an oddity among such rusty things. Ed picks it up and wipes the dust off of it. He opens the case and inside lies a pristine silver pen. Ed removes the pen from its safe haven in order to get a better look. Ed turns the barrel and the tip comes out. He takes out a tablet from his back pocket and tries the instrument out. To his amazement, the pen works!

You may wish to redo it as below. The changes have been highlighted in red.

Ed’s eyes drop to the table and the stuff displayed there. The table contains a lot of what he has already seen today : old power tools, discolored dishware, car parts, clothes. As his eyes scan, a shining pen case catches his attention. He has seen something like this before. Reaching down, he picks it up, an oddity among such rusty things and wipes the dust off it. He opens it and inside lies a pristine silver pen. He removes the instrument from its safe haven in order to get a better look, turns the barrel and sees the tip emerge. He takes out a tablet from his back pocket and tries it out. To his amazement, it works!

*BalloonR* Overall Impression :

A touching story of two writers who have lost their muse.


Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

This was such a delightful read, that I am sending you back the GPs as the pleasure itself was a sufficient reward. I did appreciate them a lot though and a special thanks for them.

Wish you all the best.

Regards
Moriarty
218143218143
This feedback and rating is being provided because you have listed your item on the "Please Review" . I hope you find my comments meaningful.
105
105
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The following review is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging and pertinent. However, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully appreciate the time and effort that has gone into creating this item. But if you find my feedback offensive and demeaning, please be rest assured that it is entirely unintentional.

*FlowerR* The title : It is clinical, precise and pertinent to your story. But it is not catchy, Don't worry. *Bigsmile*. Most writers face this predicament. You could look at "Marked for Death", "Appointment with Death", "Reborn" etc.

*LeafR* The item : A man discovers the value of life while facing the wrong end of a loaded gun in a bank holdup case.

I liked your usage of the word "bribe", which is truly what he is giving to his wife. He feels no love for her, but is unable to assume a principled stand against her tantrums. What Langley is doing for his wife, is something most of us do everyday. Boss, son, boyfriend, mother, employee, maid, we all try to avoid confrontation and buy peace. Invariably, it never works. As the saying goes, those who are afraid to make enemies, make no friends.

I liked the sentence He thought he would miss his wife, not because he had extraordinary love for her. He would miss her because she was a part of his life, and he loved his life. What a selfish and self-centered man! Perhaps he deserves his wife, especially after the narrow opinion he holds on marriage. Good job done here in bringing out some strong emotions.

You create a good scene when Langley awaits his death.

Your linking of all his motivations to money does provoke one to think as to how many of us sincerely pursue our passion rather than joining the mindless rat-race for material gains.


*Ornament2R* The characters : This is one area which needs a bit more work. Besides Langley in the lead role, the characters of the thug and the woman he kills are not developed. Hence, it appears a bit like a monologue.

*NoteR* Suggestions :

You should make the paragraphs shorter. It makes the reading easier.

Try and introduce some conversation, some dialogue. As I have mentioned earlier it reads like a monologue. There are ample opportunities in this story for introducing this. It could be like this, Suddenly Harold heard gunshots, followed by a sharp voice. “Everybody, fall in line. No tricks anyone.” Turning in the direction he saw a powerful looking man brandishing a gun. “You. Stupid hag. Can’t you hear?” the man snarled at an old and feeble woman, who had petrified at the sound of the gunshots. She started weeping and the robber raised his gun to strike her. . This is just an example. I am sure if you try, you will do it much better than this. The moot point is that you need to “show” the reader the holdup in the bank. As of now you are simply “telling.”

More intensity is required in describing Langley’s dread when waiting his turn. You could make this tale more poignant by adding a heart rending story of the woman in front. For example, she has come to the bank so that she can withdraw funds for her son’s treatment who is dying at a hospital. Now they will never make it.

Instead of “brooding hatred”, you could try “silently cursing”.

You start with “Barber Langley”. So does it mean that Harold Langley is a barber by profession or have you mixed up the names between Barber and Harold? If he is indeed that, why would he need to send business letters and finished reports? Also if he was to become a barber, why would he strive hard for top grades? Something doesn’t seem right here.

*BalloonR* Overall Impression :A story with a good moral.


Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.

Wish you all the best.

Regards
Moriarty
218143218143
This feedback and rating is being provided because you have listed your item on the "Please Review" . I hope you find my comments meaningful.
106
106
Review of Scarlet Reading  
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I liked the setting of this story. A 24 hour coffee shop that also serves as a library and a book shop is an enchanting idea indeed. I would love to visit such a place if it actually existed irrespective of whether I discover someone like Anna or not.

You create vivid imagery in your story. Some examples are

1. the blood-color of her pretty nails so stark in contrast to her skin
2. I imagine that the aroma of raspberries and vanilla must be the scent of her skin
3. One breast springs forth, so pure and fresh in color but for the pink center

I also liked that you do not reveal the sex of the narrator( at least I could not detect it) which enhances the allure of the story.

My only issues here are that you chose to tell this story in the present tense which I found slightly jarring. Also the beginning hooked me as I expected a philospohical message, but it merely turned out to be one huge masturbation scene. *Bigsmile*Otherwise, this is really an excellently written piece.

Regards

Moriarty

218143218143
107
107
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have written a nice and sweet story of a budding romance. I also found the concept of 'dating' through a 'dinner-auction' rather cute. Maybe this is something common in your culture, but for me it is not and I found it to be an unique and original idea. You use lots of nice descriptions in your story which helped me 'see' the characters. I enjoyed the description when Lizzie steps out of the house and goes for a walk in the town.

Driscoll bidding for Lizzie's supper was a nice twist. The interactions between Lizzie and Richard made for pleasent reading.

I found the ending to be slightly abrupt. I don't know if it sounds strange but I was half expecting Richard to be Jesse James! *Bigsmile*
108
108
Review of Metric Time  
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: E | (4.5)
I loved this piece. You produce great humor in just a few words. Though we laugh at the expense of the incredulous Bill, the whole story comes across as an episode of good-natured and inoffensive leg-pulling, which is good. I have a distatse for humor which causes physical or emotional pain to anyone. You might argue that Bill is emotionally hurt here, but that is where the fun is. He is not, but he doesn't realize it.

I thought the last sentence to be a great punchline. *Thumbsup*

Good job.

PM
109
109
Review of Butch  
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I do believe in giving and receiving honest feedback. Having said that, kindly forgive me, if my review causes hurt or distress. I do appreciate your effort. It is only my unbiased opinion and friendly advice that I seek to dispense. Nothing more, nothing less. So here goes. *Smile*

The Title: The title seems appropriate, but not catchy enough. Think about “My mother’s boyfriend” or “What I did to my mother’s boyfriend”.

The topic: A nine year old boy wreaks a terrible retribution on his mother’s boyfriend. An interesting storyline which can be molded into any genre.

What I loved :
1. Your story had me in splits all along. It’s been a long time since I reach such a humorous piece. I cannot remember any other story on WDC amuse me such.
2. Excellent job on the showing and immense detailing. Joey’s antipathy towards Buch is brought out strongly. You use small details to generate a strong impact. Some examples are Butch sitting gingerly on the chair, Joey almost closing the door on his arm and the zip lock turning into an impromptu ice pack.
3. Joey keeping a watchful eye on the couple brought out well his insecurity in the presence of his mother’s paramour.
4. I don’t know if you intended it such, but I ended up liking Buch’s character. He has a lot of patience and seems to really love Val.
5. I found the ending cute.

My humble suggestions:
1. You could make Val fuss for a while on the injured Buch. The thoughts that would go through Joey’s mind at this display of affection would make interesting reading. In the same vein, a slightly higher show of affection between the couple could work well for your story.
2. Describe more the food which they have on the picnic. It will enhance the detailing and improve the visual appeal of your story.

Overall feeling : Outrageously funny and brilliantly written. One of the very best I have read on WDC.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
110
110
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: E | (4.0)
I do believe in giving and receiving honest feedback. Having said that, kindly forgive me, if my review causes hurt or distress. I do appreciate your effort. It is only my unbiased opinion and friendly advice that I seek to dispense. Nothing more, nothing less. So here goes. *Smile*

The Title: Suitable

The topic: The writer quotes from his readings in support of his premise that the Taliban is a creation of the United States.

What I learnt and liked :
1. Highly effective beginning explaining the ‘provocation’ behind this article
2. The background of Wahabi brand of Islam and Taliban helps to understand the hard line and extremist attitudes of the Islamic world.
3. The UNOCAL episode not only shocked, but also generated utter dismay.

My humble suggestions:
1. One idea is to quote similar incidents in other parts of the world. Two examples from the subcontinent bear startling resemblances to the Taliban. Indira Gandhi’s creation of Bhindranwale and Rajeev Gandhi’s contribution to the LTTE. Ultimately both these leaders succumbed to the monsters they themselves created. Just like the Taliban threatens the US today.
2. The investment number would make more sense if stated in figures. I understand that it is an excerpt from an article. But it may not be a bad idea to change it in your essay. I had to count several times before I realized it is 10 bn USD.
3. One would appreciate if you gave your own view points at the end of the article. Right now it only appears as a series of excerpts.

Overall feeling : Informative, Educative, Incisive

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
111
111
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: E | (4.5)
I do believe in giving and receiving honest feedback. Having said that, kindly forgive me, if my review causes hurt or distress. I do appreciate your effort. It is only my unbiased opinion and friendly advice that I seek to dispense. Nothing more, nothing less. So here goes. *Smile*

The Title: Suitable

The topic: The writer presents some arguments both in favor as well as against the motion floated in the title of this article.

What I learnt and liked :
1. You start with an interesting anecdote. I thought it to be a simple and effective way of starting an otherwise erudite piece.
2. The framework of the four axes of power impressed me. I found it to be an innovative and disciplined method of addressing the issue being discussed.
3. That the background of China’s stupendous economic feats can actually be traced back to some congress in 1978 served as an eye opener. It suggests that progress is not a matter of chance but meticulous advanced planning and years of hard work.
4. Relevant conclusions on the shortcomings of China’s achievements on the four axes of powers.

My humble suggestions:
1. I think the article is a bit harsh on China’s achievements. The article could have quoted some specific examples of its progress like its superfast train services or Shanghai’s impressive skyline, touted to be the finest in the world or the achievements of its athletes which made it the top medal winning nation in the Beijing Olympics. The only visible success quoted is the hosting of the Olympics.
2. The article should have highlighted that the totalitarian regime facilitates ruthless suppression of human rights creating the unfair advantage of cheap manpower. This is an important story behind the “Made in China” label that you talk about.
3. China has shot itself in the foot by its ‘single’ child policy, creating immense demographic imbalances that threaten the sustainability of its growth rates. The article is silent on this.

Overall feeling : Informative, Educative, Incisive

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
112
112
Review of Famine in Africa  
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: E | (5.0)
I do believe in giving and receiving honest feedback. Having said that, kindly forgive me, if my review causes hurt or distress. I do appreciate your effort. It is only my unbiased opinion and friendly advice that I seek to dispense. Nothing more, nothing less. So here goes. *Smile*

The Title: An appropriate title for a technical article.

The topic: An analysis of the cause of famines in Africa. Highly relevant in the context of rising food prices, this study has immense scope and far reaching consequences.

What I learnt and liked :
1. You dispel the popular notion that famine is caused by drought only. This article reminds me of the work of the Nobel laureate Amartya Sen who had elucidated the causes of manmade famines.
2. The adverse impact of HIV on agricultural productivity both shocked and surprised. Thanks for enumerating this intricate linkages between two seemingly remote issues.
3. Largely dependent on subsistence agriculture, African farmers have neither the knowledge nor the resources to invest in modern farming techniques. Your essay attempted to explain the linkage between this and low yield rates, finally causing food shortages. That the continent would produce only 25% of its food requirement is an alarming statistic.

My humble suggestions:
1. One would have liked some case study to be included in the essay.
2. Besides the reasons stated by you, the following also do impact drought
a.You have mentioned how war impacts famine by productive manpower and resources shifting to fighting battles when they should have
been tilling land. The other way it impacts is that most civil wars happen in the country side, causing populations to shift to the relative safety
of the cities. When the war ends, reverse migration does not happen and the entire culture of farming is lost.
b.During wars, massive land mining happens as in Mozambique and Angola. De-mining being an expensive operation, most of the mined
land is rendered permanently useless even after the war ends.
c. In Zimbabwe, the ostracism and exile of the white farmers has created food shortages as the black farmers do not have the necessary
knowledge or resources to practice farming. This created a sudden vacuum in the country and it is a pity that a country renowned for the skill
of its farmers and its fertile soil is today food deficient.
d. Heavy tariff barriers also contribute to high food prices leading to hunger. A country like Nigeria imports about a million tons of rice, but levies
100% tariffs on rice imports. Duty barriers can be justified only if there is potential to grow this rice domestically. Till the time the country
reaches that stage, duty barriers only leads to pain for the populace. Instead there should be subsidies on domestic production.
3. Not convinced about this statement in your essay: “Furthermore, African farm exports fetch exceptionally poor prices on the world market compared to those of developed nations.” In certain products like cocoa, Africa determines world prices. Some variants of Ethiopian and Rwandan Arabica coffee actually enjoy a premium. Other examples are South African peanuts, Tanzanian cashews, Madagascar vanilla and Zimbabwean cotton and tobacco.
4. Your essay would be easier to read and assimilate if you used bullet points.

Overall feeling : Informative, Educative, Incisive *Thumbsup*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Hi !

I would appreciate if occassionally you wrote about our thriving democracry or our economic successes or the IT revolution.

Frankly, I am exasperated with "Western World's" parochial views of my country. Fortunately, the numbers who hold this jingoistic view are a diminishing lot. Worried by our success, they wish to weave an illusory cocoon of superiority by belittling this magnificent nation.

You do so at your own peril.

I hope better sense prevails.

Regards

PM
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Review of The Radio  
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I do believe in giving and receiving honest feedback. Having said that, kindly forgive me, if my review causes hurt or distress. I do appreciate your effort. It is only my unbiased opinion and friendly advice that I seek to dispense. Nothing more, nothing less. So here goes. *Smile*

The Title: Though, the radio plays a crucial part in your story, it may not be the best way to draw attention to your tale. I have an idea here, if you may. Try “Divine Intervention” or “The hand of God”.

The plot: A soldier gives his heart to a waitress he meets on his holiday. When he is transferred, the couple is faced with a tough choice.

What I loved :
1. Nice description of both the protagonists, making it easy to ‘see’ how they look. You deserve compliments for the sentence, “Mike drank her in.” Through his eyes, I also did.*Blush*
2. The immense detailing of the restaurant when Mike walks in. The food sounded delicious and the portrayal of the only other customer gave a touch of reality.
3. Mary Ann’s ‘tarrying’ after serving the food. This seemingly simple act, pregnant with sweet emotions, made for a pleasant reading.*Thumbsup*
4. None of the characters are ‘super humans’. Very much the couple next door, they enable me to empathize with them and share their feelings and affections.
5. You succeed in bringing out the overwhelming tension between the couple in the beginning and I could ‘sense’ the immense melancholy of separation.
6. Thanks for the happy ending. Such relief !*Bigsmile*

My humble suggestions:

1. I didn’t find the ‘radio’ thing too convincing. For me, a simple realization between the couple that God had destined their alliance, would have worked more effectively. It could just be “Looking at Mary Ann one last time, Mike realized that God had resolved his quandary.” You could still have Robert Goulet sing in the background at the same time.
2. Your story should have more dialogues.
3. I would have loved the see both the lovers give each other a parting gift. It could be a book or a ring or a rose or any other simple thing. If I would have been Mike, I would remove the chain I was wearing and put it around my beloved’s neck. Sorry, if I sound too maudlin.

Overall feeling : Outstanding work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Your piece had me spellbound, hooking me right from the word go.The pace is brisk, the style easy and I read it almost in a single breath.

My only issue here is that I could not quite understand why the judge disallowed the journal entry. You do hint at some goof up by the investigation team by not including the accused's place of business in the search warrant. But still could not understand the judge's motivation. Pardon my ignorance here.

One slight technical point. It should be 'man's place of business' and not 'mans place of business'.


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Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Graphic and impactful. Strong language, but effective. Didn't find much of a plot , but still liked this piece for the sheer strenght of the language used.

The part which hooked me on was the woman in rags with 'chunks' of her face bitten off.

Your piece has intrigued me and I would like to read further. Is this a book that you are writing? How can I access this? Also is there some scientific explanation to this zombie thing or is it just plain fantasy?
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Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice light-hearted reading that stimulated nostalgia. This sentence was brilliant I think

" Giggling, fingers to lips, shushing each other, not daring to laugh out loud. Musn't give away our location."

The blond girls gave a nice 'rich-poor' divide to the whole story. It is something which we have all faced as children, especially those who were not as privileged.

The Ice Man reminded me of the ice candies we used to line up to buy and hog with great relish, a very long time ago.
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Review of Poor Ice Cream  
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found your entry cute and enjoyable. The best thing about it is that it sounds very realistic, which I am sure it is. In today's commercial world where everything is weighed in terms of monetary gains, one tends to ignore some simple ( and maybe silly !) joys which life has to offer. Your story evoked some nice childhood memories in me. Thanks for giving this item.
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Review of Spy in the Sky  
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: E | (5.0)
You really touched me with such a sensitive portrayal of your grandmother.

To be honest, the reference to arthritis motivated me to read this piece. Having seen arthritis real close, I can understand its pain and frustration alongwith the fear that one day I might also succumb to this terrible malaise as it is supposed to run in your genes.

The way your grandmother copes with this painful affliction is commendable. You describe well and I liked the effort you took in detailing the nuances of her room, especially the crucifixes. Richie in the end also turns out to be such an adorable character.

It is true when they say that 'They don't make them like that anymore'. The economic and technological successes of the newer generations notwithstanding, the older generation always seem to score two notches higher when it comes to good old values like kindness and forbearance.

Thank you for giving me this story.
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Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found this piece funny and youthful. A group of frinds get together to watch a movie on a Sunday afternoon. What happens is ordinary and trite, but all the protagonists seem to have such a good time.
I found a lesson in your writing. As we grow older we fail to recognize the simple joys which life offers if you make mundance choices. But in this jet age when everyone is just hankering after more and more, we fail to appreciate the happiness one can find by just being together with family and friends on a holiday. You don't have to go out, you don't have to necessarily splurge. Just be with your own kith and kin, and life would be so much more fun to live.
Thanks for this honest writing, my friend. You really moved me.
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for entry "Home Coming" 
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A macabre and ghastly tale, but very impactful, replete with graphic descriptions that will remain etched on my memory for a very long time.

Your cute beginning deceives the reader as the end is quite unexpected. I read on expecting some romantic story where Gabe would finally get to seduce Becky by some scientifc innovation. Instead it turned out to be a horror story.

On the whole it is a well-written piece which moves forward at a brisk pace.

I would, however, expect some improvements. Firsty would like to know the cause for such a bizarre turn of events. Secondly, who is this Leaf? I understand he is a neighbour, but is that all?

Some technical stuff now
1. In this sentence 'Later then.”, Lizzy waived and a continued up the street' , it should be 'waved' and not 'wiaved'
2. In this sentence 'Gabe was a little startled to see the door agape', though 'agape' is right, I think 'ajar' would do better.
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Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Brilliant.
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Review of Coast to Coast  
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
What I liked about this story is its originality.Two mermaids going on a drive ! Really innovative. Congrats on your win.
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Review of Escape  
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The writer deserves kudos for the character of Leon. He is somebody with whom all of us can identify well. There is a bit of Leon in all of us.
Now for the bad news.
The story was proceeding well, but at the end the writer lost me. I could not make any sense of the ending. Is the whole story based in the lead character's psychological mindspace? Or is Opal a creation in his novel?
If the story had a more credible ending or explanation, it would have been perfect. I cannot help feeling sorry that something that begun so well, had to be so disappointing in the end.
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Review of Chronosphere  
Review by Prof Moriarty
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a beautiful story advising mankind to control excessive greed and lust. I agree with the idea that life is basically preordained and we are all supposed to play our pre-determined roles.
Mythical characters were effectively weaved into the plot and made the story entertaining.Aphrodite's description was very striking.
The writer managed to hold my interest right till the end. My only issue with this piece is that I was disappointed with the end. Especially Righty's end was neither convincing nor dramatic.
On the whole a good piece.
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