|I, Prof Moriarty , do hereby swear, that the following review, provided in good faith and out of genuine concern, is entirely my personal opinion. It is my humble endeavor to be rational, encouraging, pertinent and impartial. But, if I fail in my attempt and cause you any distress, I would beg to be pardoned. As a fellow writer, I fully appreciate the time and effort that has gone into creating this item.
The title :
I liked your title. Even “The Whisperer” would have been intriguing. Good job.
A piper with magical powers in his music visits a town, draws out all the animals from the neighboring forest as well as the people of the town. A huge commotion starts when he stops playing and the spell of his music is broken.
The characters :
You did a good job with the piper. I liked his name, physical description and the special powers that you attribute to him. Joseph’s characterization isn’t clear. He appears to be some sort of a leader, but we are forced to guess and assume. You do well with Brutus, creating an impatient, impetuous and foolish man.
Kudos and Applause:
You do have a gift of creating vibrant imagery with words as is evident in the first two paragraphs. This is a natural skill. It doesn’t come easily to everyone. It would help you to know that you possess a rare quality of ‘showing’ with words, rather than ‘telling’.
Though the storyline is not original, you do improvise it by adding some twists. For example, hunters and the prey stand next to each other along with humans.
I have a few humble suggestions, but please remember that you are the best judge of your writing :
The commotion scene when the piper stops playing could have been made more dramatic. For example, women could scream on seeing the ferocious wolf, children would be excite with the deer, wild elephants attack the men etc
You need to work more on Joseph’s characterization. What makes him so influential? Is he a prince or a leader? You just mention that he is a warrior.
There is a lack of consistency in the quality of the writing. The first two paragraphs were much better than the rest of the story. Perhaps, you started with greater meticulousness, but then hurried through to meet some deadline. Pardon me if I am wrong.
This story needs a thorough edit. I spotted some mistakes that I have mentioned below, but there are a lot more as well.
Technical, Grammar and Spelling
The following are only my personal opinions. Ultimately, you and only you can decide what works best for your story. The sentences in red show how your story currently reads. The ones adjacent in black are what you may consider.
“He’s coming,” They would say “He’s coming,” they would say
From the forest came many creatures of many shapes and sizes From the forest came many creatures of various shapes and sizes ( Avoid repeating any word, in this case ‘man’, in close proximity. It takes away the pleasure of reading)
their body’s called by the soothing song their bodies hypnotized called by the soothing song
Soon there stood a mismatched group of souls, many the hunters others the prey. Yet all stayed transfixed on the dusty road, and the horizons bright halo of light. Soon a mismatched group of hunters and their prey, stood side by side. They were all transfixed on the dusty road, and the horizon’s bright halo of light.
Then beneath the horizon’s halo of light, the silhouette of a figure appeared, The silhouette of a figure appeared in the horizon.
“Hello, I am the Whisperer, a traveling piper, famous throughout the Five Forests. Here on my journey to the Kings castle[.]“ the man said, his voice still echoing with the music he had just played. “Hello, I am the Whisperer, a traveling piper, famous throughout the Five Forests. Here on my journey to the Kings castle.[,]” the man said, his voice still echoing with the music he had just played.
Joseph turned confused not knowing what was going on, but his instinct said to grab the paper and pretend he’d never seen it. Though confused with what was going on, Joseph’s instincts told him to grab the paper and pretend he’d never seen it.
I’ll be back. I will be back. ( Put this in italics as nobody is actually speaking this. Also I think it would be more effective if you do not use contraction here.)
Just above Joseph, in a pine far above the ground floor sat the Whisperer surrounded by the birds of the skies. Just above Joseph, in a pine far above the ground sat the Whisperer surrounded by the birds of the skies.
Overall Impression :
Storyline: 4. / 5
Technical points (Language, Grammar, Flow, Spellings):3.5/ 5
Emotional Connect / Impact / Eroticism: 3.5 / 5
Unputdownability:4.5 / 5
Ending:4.5 / 5
Final Rating: 4 / 5
Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to read your submission.
Wish you all the best.
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