*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Get it for
Apple iOS.
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/purpleprincess
Review Requests: ON
2,386 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
Review of Two Twisted Tales  
Review by Purple Princess
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was great. I've had a horrible rotten day, was finally able to sit down and this is what I was treated with. I'm still trying to figure out how you managed to weave all of those children's stories into great rhymes, adding one character and then another, connecting each effortlessly. My favorite part is the last two lines of the last stanza. Thanks for sharing. Much appreciated!
2
2
for entry "~ He Made Me Whole ~
Review by Purple Princess
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Purpose and Audience
This is a personal story about an event that happened in the past. It is interesting to both those who are religious and those who are not, since it shows a clear message.

Structure
The insight at the beginning of the recollection starts strong and you gain insight into the writer's mindset. It left me wondering what happened immediately after the healing, as I imagine this to be a significant moment in life.

Style
The subject matter piques curiosity in the reader as they learn about this spiritual moment. It is easy to read and understand as the events of that day are described.

Personal Response
I read this twice, and it is what I would refer to as an out of body experience. They seem like they are happening in real-time and leave you with overwhelming emotions and insight. It's an interesting perspective on seeing yourself with the sores. I don't think I personally wouldn't have made the connection of sinless versus sinful, though I totally understand where you were coming from. Thank you for sharing this thought-provoking experience you had. I'm still wondering what happened immediately after this. I can't help wanting to know the incredible emotions that take hold after something like this happens.


3
3
Review by Purple Princess
Rated: E | (5.0)
Rhythm/Rhyme:
Nice rhythm and flow in this poem about heartbreak.

Critique:
You truly captured heartbreak in this poem. The very first stanza is haunting. A vengeance of good memories providing a reminder of what once was. You made it easy to feel the longing, yearning for what you've had before, but that shifts to regret, wishing you could forget.

I love the line - how sad that no one else seemed to see. This reminds me of seeing someone for the first time with new eyes, seeing the beauty in another, yet knowing others haven't taken the time to take a good look.

Good imagery. Nice job conveying a broken heart.

This would be my name. }

4
4
Review of The move in  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


Assignment Objective Met~
You got your couple to the relationship milestone *ThumbsUpL*

Character Development~
Good insights into both characters with this assignment.

Issues~
My body was sweating at the thought of what was going to come tonight. I could feel my heart racing at the thoughts of what we could be doing tonight, and she was in no way making it easy for me. She was trying to get me wanting her more than I ever have, and to be honest, it was working. <--this was good. I knew exactly what Steve was feeling and what he wanted.

I brought her face to mine and let out a kiss that was like no other. We parted lips and our tongues danced the tango between us. When I finished kissing her she pulled away from me just a bit, though I still held onto her neck sensuously.<<----this could use some work. What is a kiss like no other?

Example: Leaning closer to her, mere inches kept my mouth from hers. Closing the distance, my lips brushed against hers. Val's mouth parted, and I slid my tongue against hers, slow, deliberately. When she moaned, excitment slid down by spine. The kiss deepened, our tongues swirling, dancing a sultry tango of desire. My fingers glided up and down her neck, holding her close, the sound of our heavy breathing filling the small space of the car.

There is nothing wrong with slowing these intimate moments down. This pulls the reader into the action, while painting a clear picture in their mind. Use all of the senses to convey the scene you write. It's not just enough to add taste or what your character sees. What sounds are present? If they are touching, what does the skin feel like? Is their heartbeat racing and drumming in their ears? Just these little things will enrich the scene.

Grammar/Spelling~
Don't forget to use commas before names and terms of endearment such as 'hun'.

Thank you for taking HSP's "Building Sensuality"   by Purple Princess class.
I hope that my review was helpful.


5
5
Review of Hungry  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


Assignment Objective Met~
I see where you were trying to go with this. Building sexual tension can be a bit tough.

Character Development~
There is a natural playfulness between your couple that works well. Both are growing in the relationship, and that shows.

Flow of Scene~
The scene moved along well. See below.

Issues~
Val and Steve are at their usual hangout, a bar beneath their apartment. A game of pool turns into a public dare and things begin to heat up.

This is a semi-crowded place, but the other patrons don't come into play until the end of the scene where Steve has already lost most of his clothes. You have a good gasp of your characters. When they are in this setting, what does it look like? Are the lights dim? Is it smokey? Hot? Is music playing? Adding these little tidbits of information paints a clearer picture of the scene. As this is told from Steve's viewpoint, we identify with him. His thoughts focused mostly on Val. We see here, know what she's doing, but his reactions are missing. She's teasing him, taunting him and yet I want to picture him reacting to all of it.

Get into the descriptions, take them further. When she kisses him, even breifly, what does Steve feel? Excited, disappointed that it wasn't longer?

---She had never been this aggressive before. This excited me even more. <----how does this excite him more? What changes happen in his body? Are his thoughts racing as he thinks about what will happen later that night?

Example: Suddenly, I retract my cue stick grab her with my free arm and kiss her hard. She kisses back but then stops the kiss and pulls away.
Suddenly, I retract my cue stick and grab her with my free arm. I press my lips to hers needing just a little taste. Her lips were soft as I coaxed them apart by nibbling her bottom lip, granting my tongue access. where does it go from here? You could describe what she tastes like. The taste of beer, whiskey,etc. If she's going to pull out of the kiss, how long does it last? A few seconds? Is he disappointed, or ready to get out of there and get her upstairs? These are big moments that showcase how your characters feel, show us what they want and need. Take advantage of it by slowing the scene down and putting the reader into the characters head. It's great that we know how into Val Steve is, but we also need to identify with him as well, go on this journey with him.

Grammar/Spelling~
two glasses balances delicately in my hands

Since you're strips,--stripes

Thank you for taking HSP's "Building Sensuality"   by Purple Princess class.
I hope that my review was helpful.


6
6
Review of The time has come  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


Assignment Objective Met~
I had a feeling you were going there with Val. That fear was natural, and it did explain her level of discomfort.

Character Development~
Steve seems like a very patient and understanding man, even when Val storms out of the room at his suggestion, he quietly waits. There must be something in his past experiences to make him so patient. Touch on that in future assignments. I get Val's emotional state. It's not easy admitting horrors of the past, but at some point, you have to take charge and get off the emotional rollercoaster. I think that is where Val is headed, even though she insists things need to be on her terms. Move this forward for your character.

Flow of Scene~
Val's emotional state made the scene feel scattered, which totally worked. Nice range of emotions as she finally confessed her secret. She keeps trying to run away from it, but the past has caught up to her, and the fact that Steve is waiting for her to realize he's not going anywhere was a nice touch.

Issues~
When you're writing heavy scenes like this, remember to pause some of the inner dialog. Take a breath, add a period to really drive specific points home to your reader. Make that impact of a certain thought, good or bad stand alone.

Grammar/Spelling~
Remember to use commas before terms of endearment, and proper names.

Thank you for taking HSP's "Building Sensuality"   by Purple Princess class.
I hope that my review was helpful.


7
7
Review of Tonight?  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


Assignment Objective Met~
You got your couple to the couch. Steve was definitely eager to take this relationship to the next level. She was more reserved. I'm not sure if I missed her name, or if it hadn't been introduced yet.

Character Development~
Your female lead is holding back and it is still unclear as to why. Make sure this is addressed in future assignments to drive the point home and make the connection with your reader. There was a lot of internal dialog in this scene, which sometimes pulled me out of what was happening between the characters. Steve comes across as ready to do whatever she wants. There is nothing wrong with a man wanting to please his woman. In fact, it can endear the main character in the hearts of the reader. Just make sure that he doesn't lose himself bending over backwards for her. How much can he take if his own wants and needs aren't being met?

Flow of Scene~
I love internal dialog. It gives me a deeper sense of characters as we see their thought processes, what makes them tick, etc. With this particular scene, the frequency took away from the intimacy. When you are in these big moments as your characters are connecting, try making that same connection with your audience. Lengthen the moment as they are kissing. What does it feel like when their lips meet? Are there sensations in their bodies - heart beating faster, drumming in the ears, warm fluttery sensations, flushed cheeks, etc?

You mention the caress of his face several times. Take that a step further. Does he lean into her hand because he likes the feel of that contact? Is it comforting or sensual?

Just adding more detail as the scene unfolds will draw the reader into the action.

Issues~
Several times your characters addressed one another as 'hun'. When Steve was speaking, you remembered the comma before it, but left it out when she used it in reference to Steve. Remember to be consistent with the comma before names and terms of endearment in their place.


Thank you for taking HSP's "Building Sensuality"   by Purple Princess class.
I hope that my review was helpful.


8
8
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E | (3.0)


Assignment Objective Met~
You did work on what they were feeling toward one another, but it was difficult to connect with the characters. When you are focused on one character point of view, don't forget to tell us what they observe. Sounds, smells, surroundings and the reactions they notice with the people they are with.

Character Development~
Did I miss your character's names? It would really help if you named them, especially since we will be using this couple throughout the session. I was curious as to their ages as well. The dialogue, both inner and spoken felt like teens having a conversation.

Flow of Scene~
The scene moved along at a steady pace. In the second half, it did feel a bit jumpy because of the inner dialog.

Issues~
I think you need to develop your characters a little bit more for the reader to really get a grasp of who they are. What is it they are looking for? How do they see themselves and their significant other? What do they look like? When she's thinking about the way he's touching her tenderly, what did that make her feel? Did she have any reaction to being told he didn't want her playing around on him? Remember that if you are going to bringing things into the story, you'll need to explain them.


Thank you for taking HSP's "Building Sensuality"   by Purple Princess class.
I hope that my review was helpful.


9
9
Review of Our Magic Night  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This review comes to your from HSP's "The Basics of Erotic Writing"   by Purple Princess

Setting:
Jimmie and Kimmie continue their night up in the bedroom. I liked the descriptions of the flowers, wine and candles. You did a good job describing how Jimmie traced words on her body with wine. I did wonder if it were a red wine that stood out against her white skin. You may want to incorporate that contrast to drive the point home.

Sensual Elements:
I liked where this was going. There are a few ways you can up the heat factor, which I know is difficult with the restraint of the word count. When he's tracing letters on her, what is her reaction? Is the wine chilled? Does it make her shiver? What if he blows on the liquid to garner that kind of reaction from her. Adding just a little more detail would up the steaminess of this piece.

Overall Impression:
It's a solid read. If you are going to enter the contest, I'd suggest embellishing the key moments of their interactions so the reader sees and feels what is happening to Kimmie. Drive the point home-warm bursts on the skin, shiver down the back, liquid rolling across her stomach, etc.

Technical:
“Kimmie, I think I’m madly in love with.--missing you.
Jimmie’s smile could lite up --light

10
10
Review of Gilmore Girls  
Review by Purple Princess
Rated: E | (4.5)
My Thoughts:

Great word search. I wasn't a Gilmore Girl's watcher when it was on television, I admit. I started binge-watching on Netflix and became a huge fan. You did a good job covering most of the characters in this show. Some of the names brought a smile as I thought back on this series. I had to laugh when I saw the word coffee, but it really was a staple of this show. Loralie pretty much walked around the entire series with a cup in her hand. Thanks for the word search, and reminding of a good show that had down to earth characters and great dialog.
11
11
Review of Watch This Space  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Rhythm/Rhyme:
Great rhythm, rhyme and this flowed so naturally as I read along with a smile.

Summary:
A rhyming poem about how Ad's invade every aspect of our lives.

Critique:
I totally agree with the way you depicted Ad's invading our daily lives, and how insane its all become. They are everywhere and it seems there is no escape from them, not even in death. The last stanza was quite the scary thought because it seems to be the direction we are headed. You hit the political ads, our biggest game, the Superbowl, and how ads infiltrate the beauty of the land with their enormous billboards. You had a really great take on the picture prompt. Good luck in the contest.

This would be my name. }

12
12
Review by Purple Princess
Rated: E | (4.0)
THOUGHTS -
I had no idea there were one hundred different forms of arthritis. I think we have the tendency to lump these physical pains into one category and we don't bother to explore the explanation fully to get some kind of understanding until we are diagnosed with something specific. You did a good job breaking the information down, giving both facts and information when it comes to treating arthritis. This is one of those diseases that does not discriminate, though I was surprised that children can also suffer from arthritis. I learned things I didn't know from your article. Thank you for sharing it.

There were some instances of missing words in your work. For instance: We can choose to sit back and live with debilitating [missing word] or we can fight it.

I hope that your shoulder continues to improve while on your medication. Keep on writing!

Lost in a haze of purple she stands alone

13
13
Review of Room at the End  
Review by Purple Princess
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Rhythm/Rhyme:
Sestina Format

Summary:
A poem about dimentia and how it effects the mind.

Critique:
Wow, you put so much into this poem. Losing memories take such a huge toll on the person with this disease, but also on family members watching and helpless on the sidelines. You did a really good job showing how memories would be brought to the forefront and then disappear. Little things that could trigger a memory even for the briefest memory. You even showed the struggle to hang onto the memory. You had great word choices that invoked images in my mind - the snow, cold, ticking clock, blue eyes, and laughter, etc. All of these wonderful things that bring meaning to our lives. You even added the element of love, sweeping in at the darkest hour. Bravo! Thank you for sharing this piece about your mom.

This would be my name. }

14
14
Review of Insomnia  
Review by Purple Princess
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Rhythm/Rhyme:
Great flow, rhythm and the rhyme scheme felt natural.

Summary:
A poem about insomnia and how those long nights effect someone.


Critique:
You really drove home the sleepless nights of tossing and turning by comparing your pillowcase to razor blades. I've had bouts of insomnia, and know exactly what you mean by comparison. You had great word choices that showed the difficult task of fighting for sleep, and what lack of sleep does to a person's mental state. I liked that you compared it to a curse, for it definitely can feel that way when you are both mentally and physically exhausted and there is no end in sight for those rough nights. Fantastic job.

This would be my name. }

15
15
Review by Purple Princess
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
PLOT -
Tina and Nora are siblings who don't necessarily get along well. Nora, being older, loves to constantly remind Tina of that fact, and rub all things in, especially about her body.

SETTING -
Really good descriptions of the differences between the two girls. I had to laugh when Tina pointed out certain things to Nora that sent her to the bathroom to vomit. Payback can be rewarding sometimes.

CHARACTERS -
The two sisters. Chad/Diego. That was a nice little twist.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
getting dressed and going our-out for a bite and a movie.

THOUGHTS -
I get that Tina couldn't help rubbing in that Nora was in fact pregnant. I did feel bad for Nora when Diego turned out to be Chad and rubbed it in that he only used her to get to Tina. Thanks for sharing this sibling rivalry story.

Lost in a haze of purple she stands alone

16
16
Review by Purple Princess
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
~~Thank you for entering "Write From the Heart - Story Contest"   by Purple Princess . This review is my opinion, take from it what you like, discard what you don't. Good Luck!~~

Plot:
Sam comes home and notices the odd behavior of his wife. It's the little things that she does, and does not do that really pique is curiosity. All he really needs is a kiss from her to make things right.

Characters:
Sam is a truck driver and has just returned. He needs his ritual of kissing his wife like he needs air to breathe. She claims the doctor told her she's contagious and cannot give him what he wants. As they sit down to watch television, he notices a strange creature in the corner of the room. The alien admits that the town Sam lives in is an experiment.

Use of Prompt: *Checkv*
Included Word Count: *Checkg*

Grammar/Spelling/Repeats:
No issues.

Overall Impression:
The story was a little jumpy. In the beginning, Sam is in the truck, the road disappears, desert turns to grass and he's suddenly walking in the door. If you are going to include all of this information, you may want to work on showing how he moves from one place to the other so it's a smooth transition. You describe other moments throughout the story in detail, so your main characters movements should be easy for you. I wasn't expecting this to be a an alien story. Is the alien the reason for Mel's strange behavior? I wasn't quite sure about that. I really wanted to see how Mel's turning away from Sam's kiss made him feel. Was he disappointed? Upset? Angry? Some emotion that showed me exactly what he was thinking and feeling as he tried several times to get that kiss.



This would be my name.
17
17
Review of When God Made You  
Review by Purple Princess
Rated: E | (4.0)
~~Thank you for entering "Write From the Heart - Story Contest"   by Purple Princess . This review is my opinion, take from it what you like, discard what you don't. Good Luck!~~

Plot:
A story of a woman who thinks about the blessings in her life, and believes that God has made her significant other just for her. Everything that leans in that direction is explored.

Characters:
The woman thinking about her great love, how they finish each other's sentences, how well they fit together and complement one another.


Use of Prompt: *Checkv*
Included Word Count: *Checkg*

Grammar/Spelling/Repeats:
Why should I be surprised that Our God who can do anything? Blessed us both with each other. --I think this would work better if you combined the sentences and moved the question mark to the last word 'other'

comes to understanding how

Overall Impression:
I believe in these twin soul unions, these soul connections that just appear and turn your world upside down and make you rethink your entire life as suddenly things begin to fall into place. There was a bit of an emotional disconnect for me in this story. I understand all that you were saying, but really wanted to feel that emotion, passion, that love that makes your head and heart spin.



This would be my name.
18
18
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Thank you for entering "Tales of Seduction"   by ~QPdoll

Plot:
A man searches for love, fears it, sees it as a ghost, taunting him. This was fantastic as you described all three of his relationships, what he found, what he liked most about them, how the loss affected him, and most importantly how much he'd grown in the process.

Sensuality:
Good moments of sensuality scattered throughout. This was mostly an emotional journey and it worked very well.

Impression:
I enjoyed your take on the love, using the song title as your prompt. Each relationship stood out, and by the time Lisa is introduced there is hope for your main character.

Grammar/Spelling/Other issues:
No issues.

Followed Prompt: Yes
Word Count Range: Yes





~~Please remember these are my opinions and are not meant to hurt, only help. Take what you can from my comments that work for you, and discard the rest!! Happy writing!!~~
Daughter of Desire
19
19
Review of Starting Over  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby

OVERALL IMPRESSION -
This was really great. I appreciated your candor as you laid out what your journey has been like trying to get published. It is a tough gig to get, but what a great sense of accomplishment when we write something we are proud of.

WHAT I LIKED BEST -
It's clear you followed your passion, and even though you didn't get the results you wanted, you didn't let it stop you from working hard.

PLOT~
The writing takes you from college, writing about your friend's escapades and through graduation as you make the big leap from writing your book to moving to New York. That's a pretty brave move to make. I couldn't imagine what it would be like sitting in that office and watching your writing being slashed from top to bottom.

DESCRIPTION~
You described everything you went through well and how this journey changed you, and your writing. Sometimes we forget that it is not always about having the technical side of writing down. Adding emotions and being descriptive is a huge part of the process. I'm glad that you managed to realize that and didn't give up. That meeting definitely gave you a lot to think about, and I'm sure you are better for the experience. As the saying goes, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and you proved that point!


House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
20
20
Review of Starting Over  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby

OVERALL IMPRESSION -
I liked the way that story started out and the dynamic between Kelli and her mother.

PLOT~
Kelli Walker is back home, out of a job and unmarried, which is an embarrassment for her mother. Everyone in her old neighborhood knows everything that's going on with eveybody else. On this day, there is a murder and since Kelli is a reporter, she rushes to get answers so she can blog about it.

CHARACTER(S)~DESCRIPTION~
Kelli is hot on the story even though she is not happy to be back home. She banters with her mother and then rushes to the crime scene before she starts interviewing the neighbors to get the scoop.

DIALOG~
I loved the interaction between mother and daughter. That really showed both characters well. When Kelli was in Max's apartment the dialog doesn't feel as real, and the story starts to fall apart.

TECHNICAL~
He loved - lived 3 blocks

One minute Kelli is standing there with a gun on her, trying to get the killer to talk. You never show her putting the gun away, or dropping it or something. Suddenly she's in handcuffs and as a reader, I didn't understand how you got from point A to point B so quickly.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
21
21
Review of Devoured  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby

OVERALL IMPRESSION -
You do dark stories really well, Charlie. This is was a bit much for me I admit, but it was a quick read with lots of details that churns the stomach. Even though the title gave a hint as to what was coming, I still read on.

WHAT I LIKED BEST -
Descriptions of what Kate went through, being devoured that. Pretty nasty.

PLOT~
Alex is driving Kate and she freaks out, swearing that a man was hurt on the side of the road. She swears she's taking her medications, is not hallucinating and jumps out of the car. Alex follows and they argue. He cannot convince her to get back in the car and agrees to look around. When they find nothing, he is ready to leave. Kate instead takes off toward the guard rail and that's when she sees the distorted face of an armless man who begins to eat her.

CHARACTER(S)~DESCRIPTION~
Poor Kate. I honestly felt bad for her. To see the things she does, which no one believes. Alex has a lot of patience because he does care for his sister, though he seems annoyed by her illness.

When the man started eating Kate, I was grossed out, making faces, and my kid came in and asked me what was wrong, lol. How's that for having an effect on your readers?

DIALOG~
I could see the argument on the side of the road playing out. Kate was so sure, determined to get Alex to see what she did and even though he didn't believe her, he still tried to help. Only it was all in her mind. How very sad.


House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
22
22
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby

OVERALL IMPRESSION -
Another gripping tale that had me sitting here with my mouth hanging open. You really command your readers full attention and don't let them go until the very last word.

WHAT I LIKED BEST -
All of it. Everything stood out.

PLOT~
Jessica is pissed that Nick has cheated on her and takes his phone, smashing it on the floor. Nick doesn't have much to say for his actions. Jessica yells at him, but he only offers an insincere apology. In his mind, their relationship has been over long ago. Jessica doesn't see it that way and storms off into their bedroom. Nick collapses on the floor and the next thing he knows, the police are at the door.

CHARACTER(S)~DESCRIPTION~
Nick who feels their break up is a long time coming. Jessica is beside herself knowing he's thrown their relationship away over another woman. Nick is completely blindsided by the police when they show up unexpectedly, and once he's in the squad car, his mind replays things he didn't remember.

Great descriptions. I could see that phone screen shattering on the floor and Nick sliding down there as well. When the memories came of him possibly killing her he was a broken man. Great job.

DIALOG~
Their argument played out well. Nick's inner thoughts added another dimension to the scene as Jessica demanded answers Nick just could not bring himself to give.

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
23
23
Review of Four Two Six  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby

OVERALL IMPRESSION -
Whoa, this is an incredibly intense story. I ached for Annie from the beginning and to the last word of the story.

WHAT I LIKED BEST -
Great descriptions. It was a gripping piece as I read trying to figure out what Annie was so terrified of.

PLOT~
A detective is trying to get answers from Annie, but all she can do is cry. Her father argues with the detective, doing his best to get them out of the house, while Annie is at a loss for words. Her father explains that she saw nothing of her attacker, but Detective Roche can tell she knows something she isn't saying.

CHARACTER(S)~DESCRIPTION~
Annie keeps memorizing the numbers but cannot get them all in her mind before her father snatches the card away. She is at the mercy of her twisted father and nowhere to turn. Detective Roche is doing his best to help, a little pushy but that comes with his job.

Easy to see the scene play out as Annie is questioned and her father continually interjects after every question they have. Once they leave the house, Annie is a sitting duck, waiting for her father's wrath to really claim her life. He blames her for her mother's death and believes the wrong woman was taken from him. What a nice guy.

DIALOG~
Great dialog that kept this story intense as the Detective and Annie's father went back and forth, neither man ready to give in.


House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
24
24
Review of Final Fling  
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby

OVERALL IMPRESSION -
I cannot stop laughing. I was completely caught up in the story, Cynthia's monumental sacrifice waiting for everything to collapse and then you had to go and throw that last little sentence in there.

WHAT I LIKED BEST -
How you pulled the reader in with this big sacrifice, built the tension as it began to play out and then threw in the humor at the very end. Nicely done!

PLOT~
Cynthia is having her last fling of booze, sex and partying. She is ready to sacrifice her life for the rest of mankind and climbs up to the sacrificial stone, lays down exposing her chest. The supreme high Priest raises his dagger, stabs her chest and pulls her beating out. As he raises the still beating heart above his head, everything begins to shake and then collapse.

CHARACTER(S)~DESCRIPTION~
Cynthia thinking she's saving the world and offers up her life so that no more Katrina's or tsunamis will occur and cause such destruction. She has lived it up for a week and is prepared for the end to find her. The high priest carries out his duties but is completely shocked when the ground begins to quake and wonders what he has done wrong.

DIALOG~
I don't want to give it away here, but that last line of dialog was jaw dropping. Then again so is he. Great job.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
25
25
Review by Purple Princess
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby

OVERALL IMPRESSION -
You have the basics for a really gripping story that would leave the reader horrified as the events unfolded, but it fell flat between the grammatical errors and the lack of showing your reader what was happening in this scene.

PLOT~
Troy witnesses a horrifying accident and winds up in the emergency room. He is diagnoised and sent home with medication. At home, his parents begin fighting and his father pulls a knife on his mother. Troy calls the police, but before they can arrive at the scene, his father has cut his mother's face off. Troy ends up in a mental health institution.

CHARACTER(S)~DESCRIPTION~
Troy who sees a man hit by car and winds up in the ER. You say he suffered a trauma, but not what kind. If it is clearly just emotional, then you need to include that because mentioning that he felt something wrong with his heart eludes to a heart attack.

Working on showing versus telling would really make this short story shine.

DIALOG~
The dialog was told instead of being active. If you had put the conversation in quotes, it would really pull the reader into the story as it unfolds. For instance, you have this written:
Stacy asked him if he was ok. Roy looked at her with Red Eyes more drunk then usual. Roy lashes out at Stacy calling her a whore and slut. Roy grabbed a butcher knife from the kitchen table. Troy flips out and says what are you doing father.

Think of it as more active.
"Are you okay?" Stacy asks.
Roy looked at her with blood shot eyes, revealing how drunk he was.
Roy glares at Stacy, "You're nothing but a no good whore." He grabs the butcher knife from the kitchen table and slashes it into the air. Troy begins to shake watching him. "What are you doing father?" he asks, his voice trembling.

Just taking this small section adds more definition to your story. Conversations are powerful events and showcase your characters.

TECHNICAL~
Also, think about added what Troy is feeling, seeing, smelling, hearing. Instead of using the word felt, tell your reader what he is feeling. He felt sick. His stomach churned as bile crept up his throat, burning and making him gag. --Just a little example of ways you could do that.

You really do have all you need to polish this story and make it traumatic.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Image #1539895 over display limit. -?-
476 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 20 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/purpleprincess