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176
176
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

PLOT -
Alyssa is woken up in the middle of the night by her brother and mother, bring her devastating news. She learns that her father has died, and instead of being able to grieve, she is thrust into being the rock for her family, getting everyone through the ordeal.

SETTING -
Good visuals of the mother and brother riddled with grief, crying. The overuse of the Kleenex was a nice added touch. The scene in the hospital while she views her father's body was sad, but the comparison of what she's used to seeing and then seeing in her father brought that imagery home.

CHARACTERS -
Alyssa is a nurse, is used to comforting others through terrible things, and seeing death. She has learned to build a wall there and keep herself grounded, but now that death is in her family, she knows what she should be going through, yet can't bring herself to let it all sink in.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
On we went to face the reality of my father's premature death. --not sure what you wanted to start this sentence with.

THOUGHTS -
I know what it's like to be the one everyone depends on for emotional support. It makes it difficult to go through the motions yourself as you steel your emotions from the pain. Letting all of it in later just seems to compound all of it. Good story of loss and grieve. I felt really bad for Alyssa, but totally understood her, why she stepped up, and hating that she feels she lost herself along the way.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
177
177
Review of A Miami Playboy  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

PLOT -
Interesting perspective on the whole dating scene, from a male point of view. I liked how you spoke directly to the reader, giving insight and answers to question I'm assuming you've been asked plenty of times.

SETTING -
You had good descriptions of certain dates, and women that you've encountered along the way. Each one held a special charm for you. Each had their appeal, and that appeal spoke to you. It's not just about you hunting them, looking for a foreign woman. I think there is much more behind this.

CHARACTERS -
Your take on being single strays from the normal of what society deems acceptable. You walk to the beat of your own drummer, never a bad thing. Dating, and learning as you go is never a bad thing. Every experience gives you a greater perspective and leads you on your path.

THOUGHTS -
As a woman I was not offended by anything you had to say. Surprised? I think society had drilled it into our heads how things are supposed to go, and when they don't measure up, they make us think like we did wrong. What's worse? Divorce? Being with someone for all the wrong reasons? You were very clear in how you saw yourself, what you wanted, needed, and did not need. So many 20 somethings have no idea of where they are going and what they want. You have that, and if you choose to settle down one day, you will have a lot of life lessons to help you cope with whatever comes your way.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
178
178
Review of Gauntlet Day 2  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

PLOT -
Caitlin's parents are rich beyond belief, and what should make life easier for them, has the opposite effect. Instead of being able to enjoy their comfortable lifestyle, it's cause for constant fighting, that leaves their daughter running for an escape.

SETTING -
You had some good moments with Caitlin on the pier as she laid there. You gave enough insight into her parents fighting to catch of glimpse of what they are all about.

CHARACTERS -
Caitlin is confused, not able to make sense of her parents. The fighting sends her to the sanctuary of the water, just to try and escape their fighting. Her parents are consumed by wealth and status, even going so far as to burn her ordinary looking clothes, as if what she wears makes a negative statement about them.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
No errors here. Dialog worked well for this piece.

THOUGHTS -
There is one point where Caitlin is on the pier and meditating, and there is mention of a light near her. I'm not sure where you were going with this, and when it wasn't mentioned again, it made it difficult for me to understand what point you were trying to get across. I definitely felt bad for Caitlin. Having money doesn't necessarily bring about happiness. I know people like this, who make sure they name drop designer this and that. It's a sad way to live really, because they miss out on so many other things in this world. Write on!
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
179
179
Review of I Let Him Down  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

PLOT -
His partner is still alive, but he didn't make it. Grief is strong, as is his feelings of failure for letting him down. Being here, while his best friend is laid to rest is a very hard pill to swallow, and he finds he cannot leave until he's completely laid to rest.

SETTING -
The funeral is very moving, and sad. The guilt at being the one left behind is powerful shown well. It was easy to picture the burial, with the guns going off, and him staying close to his best friends wife, watching everything, taking it all in, yet still consumed by sorry and guilt.

CHARACTERS -
A soldiers best friend is just as brokenhearted as his family and cannot seem to cope with all of it.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
Inner dialog from this perspective was very touching. I found no spelling or grammatical errors.

THOUGHTS -
It's not often we get the perspective of our loyal pets. How often do we wonder what they are thinking and feeling? Yet somehow we manage to convey these feelings to one another. I loved the picture you included at the end to show just how his dog stayed near, refusing to leave his partner for even a second. Nicely done. Write on!
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
180
180
Review of The Kiss  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

PLOT -
Amy stays by her husband's bedside, living at the hospital while cancer ravages his body and he grows weak. No one can get her to leave his side. She thinks this is it, that he will be leaving her soon. Just when the room is empty accept for the two of them, Ron starts to speak, making one last request that Amy cannot deny, for she wants this moment as much as he does.

SETTING -
Great descriptions of Ron how he was in their younger years, and how he is now. The hospital room with the beeping machines was easy to picture as well. I loved how she saw him as more beautiful than any magazine model.

CHARACTERS -
Ron is ready to let go, but wants Amy with him, to share this one last moment with the love of his life. Amy cannot deny his request, even knowing that once the machines are turned off he most likely won't make it through the night.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
I can't stand the thoughts of losing more time with you.

The dialog was very real, so touching and bittersweet.

THOUGHTS -
What a moving story of a couple who choose one another even in death, not wanting to be parted and lose anymore time. Your story and characters were very real and moving. So glad I read this one. Thanks for sharing something so heartfelt and emotional. You had me in tears at the end. Beautiful. Write on!

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
181
181
Review of The Gift  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

PLOT -
Two people escape demon hounds, running as fast and as far as they can trying to keep her gift, and the crystal from her mother safe. It is dire that she keep it with her and not let anyone take it from her, not even her rescuer at this time.

SETTING -
Really good job of showing what it was like running through the jungle, with the branches hitting her face. The cool water on her feet was a nice touch as they hurt and ached from their travels. Really easy to picture everything around them as they made their way to safety.

CHARACTERS -
There is a little confusion here. First you start with Angelo helping her, and then Donuskae is catching fish. Did you make a name change and forget to go back and correct it? Is there a third person in the story? I did like the girl, wish she had a name, but it was all in her point of view so I could follow along well enough.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
Even with their unnatural senses the demon hounds couldn’t find us without Necromancer's help

THOUGHTS -
Really vivid and quick read as they made they escape. It hooked me right from the beginning and kept me eager to reach the end to see what happened to the pair. The crystal is a good element to have as it has a shroud of mystery surrounding it, as well as her gift. What will that turn out to be? Good imagery with the face in the ball telling her to not trust Angelo just yet. Interesting story. You used the prompt well. Write on!
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182
182
Review of Cinder Klause  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

PLOT -
Cinder and his friends approach a place where he believes he was born. An old man answers the door, tries to send them away, but Cinder is insistent. The man tells him to come back tomorrow at noon, and not to be late. They leave and head back to get a room for the night. Hail the size of baseballs begins to rain down on them as they run toward the train, desperate to get away.

SETTING -
Good visuals of the man at the door. It was easy to picture him. The hail scene was described well too.

CHARACTERS -
Cinder and his friends are orphans. They band together and look out for each other.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
The door swung open with force, drawing a chilly gust of wind off the street, through the four kids piled on the stoop and into the surly face at the door.--not sure where this was going

Sherelle --earlier in the story you have Serelle--mocked her saying they were illegitimate offspring of fictional characters and famous dead people.

The conversations with all of the added nicknames were a little confusing and hard to keep up with.

THOUGHTS -
This story left me with a lot of questions. What was the hail storm all about? Did it have anything to do with the house and the creepy guy that opened the door to them? What would be happening tomorrow when they ventured back? It is an interesting beginning.
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183
183
Review of Heart in a Cage  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Rhythm/Rhyme:
Some stanzas had good rhyme and flow from one to the next. The others had longer sentences and pulled away from the flow as you worked to convey feelings of love and longing.

Summary:
Time moves every so slowing as she waits, longing for the one she loves to remember her, to return, almost begging the clock to move swiftly and willing him back to her.

Critique:
I love romantic pieces and you had some really good stanzas filled with emotion about love and longing. I understood what you were trying to convey. When it came to the clock and how time was being cruel as she waiting, willing the hands to move faster, it got a little lost. There is a point where if felt like she loved the hands of time, that she loved the clock. But the next stanza returns to the longing and wondering if he has finally recognized that they belong together. The reference to her heart being in a cage was used well, brought images of someone being stuck, not knowing how to move forward, as if their entire being was locked in that cage waiting for love to come claim her. Write on!

Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.
184
184
Review of Preface  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

PLOT -
The King and his men are surrounded and he has a choice to make.

SETTING -
There is room for improvement here. When you are working on scene through one characters point of view, try closing your eyes to see what they see/hear/feel/smell and describe it. What does fear feel like? Is silence a scary thing?

CHARACTERS -
The Dark Prince, not much is known about him only that he requests the Kings surrender and then kills him.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
He stands in silence and looks around[comma] Llooking [maybe try searching since you've just used look] for even a hint of anything out of sort.

His heart is racing not sure what, but something doesn't feel right. --order of words--His heart is racing, something doesn't feel right, but he's not sure what could be wrong.---or something to that affect.

Joining Bart a short distance from the others.--fragment, add more or attach it to the previous sentence.

Ready to turn back and skip this area, just head back home. --attach to previous sentence with a comma

The brittle grass snaps under the heavy steps of his boots. Clothed in a long black cape.--Clothed in a long black cape, the brittle grass snaps under the heavy steps of his boots.--it has better flow this way.

"My, oh my, fellows look what we have here," he replies as he wrings his hands.--since he is the first to speak, it's not a reply, try he says

Aedan looks for a [two words] way out

As a matter of fact, may be<--maybe, one word-- even a little more than you can even fathom.

He grabsGrabbing the hilt of his sword and pierces the king's chest.

THOUGHTS -
The story moved quickly, with a lot of information involved in it. Think about adding a little backstory. Why is the King there? Where are they headed? Slow some of the pivotal parts down. You have room to do this and make it stand out. When working with dialog, it heightens the scene when actions go along with it, the sound of the voices, happy/sad/bitter/angry/etc. Keep working. You have a good imagination. Write on!
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185
185
Review of Might Have Been  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

PLOT -
Roxy and Tony are co-workers, who share intimate glances during working hours, but never go further than that. The attraction is evident with every glance they share. Tony just cannot put himself out there and tell her how he really feels, but one night at the bar and a few drinks, his inhibitions take over and he finds the courage to make his move.

SETTING -
Good insight into Tony's feelings, how he tries to control them, and the descriptions of Roxy, all the way down to her stiletto heels. It was great seeing her through his eyes. You had her described perfectly. Even in the bathroom stall it was like having a birds eye view of this couple.

CHARACTERS -
Tony likes women, but has trouble expressing his feelings to them, especially to Roxy. She is that one woman that takes his breath away, and makes him tongue tied and shy, the one he wishes he could speak to and find out if they are compatible.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
Their bodies pressed together against the flimsy wall of the poorly lit stall, breathing hardly do you mean hard?

THOUGHTS -
Good solid story of a work place romance. When their co-workers started looking for them, I really thought they were going to be interrupted and not get to finish what they started. Nice happy ending. Write on!
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186
186
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

PLOT -
Lou can't help but rush off to help his secretary, Gloria, with her latest dilemma. He follows the trail and the clues from last nights murder, hoping to find the real killer. Being in Lenny's secret club he runs across a man who gives him a strange vibe. The cigarette girl shows so much cleavage he cannot help but notice her, and notice what transpires soon afterword.

SETTING -
Good descriptions of when Gloria came into the office crying, to the things he picked up on in Lenny's and then to the crime scene were enough to get a picture in my mind.

CHARACTERS -
Gloria always seems to find trouble, and Lou likes to bail her out, having feelings for her he hasn't acted upon. Lou is a PI in the 1930's, and is good at his job.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOG -
Dialog was great, taking the reader back to that time period with the use of certain words and phrases. Great job here.

THOUGHTS -
I really enjoyed your detective and how he pieced things together, following little leads that made him suspicious of the well-dressed man. He has a subtle sense of humor as he goes about things. I loved how he convinced Bruno to let him through the secret door into the club. Good, strong characters. Glad to see there are more entries into this series of your detective. I'll definitely come back to see where the relationship between Gloria and Lou head. Write on!
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187
Review of On The Clock  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Purpose and Audience
Nice article in regards to your thoughts about time. You stayed on point from beginning to end, giving examples as to your views about it.

Structure
You transitioned well from one point to the next, and wrapped up your thoughts at the end well, bringing the article together in a positive way.

Style
I was engaged in all you had to say from the first line, and read through it quickly to the very last line.

Personal Response
I found myself agreeing with you throughout the article. Time is so precious, something we take for granted too much it seems. In one moment, one flash it could all be taken away. You are right there is no sense living in the past, or spending our time dwelling in it or the future. We can learn from our mistakes and do better. We can prepare for the future to a certain extent, but being consumed by it means missing out on so many things, things we can never get back once time has slipped right on past us. This was a very good read and makes you think about all the wasted time, though we all tend to have bouts of when we do it. I think sometimes it's inevitable. Glad I read this piece today. Sometimes we need a gentle reminder and you gave that to me, so thank you. Write on!

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.
188
188
Review of First Love  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm


GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
But because he spoke against dead religion and the ignorance of those that practiced itthink this needs a comma here evil men afraid of losing their power plotted to destroy him.

THOUGHTS -
Powerful piece about religion, how things were, and what sacrifices Jesus Christ made save to our souls. You brought up many worthy points, with a clear history of the way his life played out. It's sad really what fear does to drive people to act out, with no other clear motive for their actions. I agree with you about love being the underlying factor. We must learn to love one another if there is every to be any true peace, not just in the world, but within ourselves. It's so easy to forget what has come before and learn from those mistakes. Instead, we tend to learn about them, forget them, and repeat. It's a nasty pattern that continues to shape and mold the way things happen here on Earth. If more people embraced his teachings, learned to forgive one another and embrace their differences the world would be in much better shape. Great insight your views and the changes your life has taken by embracing Jesus. I also agree with you about finding a church, or place of worship that welcomes you. So many times people just go to one out of obligation and gain nothing for it. There is so much learn, and love above all else is a great place to start. Thanks for sharing this piece. Happy Birthday!! Write on!
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189
189
Review of The Day Men  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


PLOT -
An inside look into men's lives and their interactions with one another, or not.

SETTING -
When Ted enters the kitchen you did good with describing him and how he acted. The rest of the piece was mostly 'telling.'

CHARACTERS -
Jim can pinpoint his faults and list them effortlessly. Ted is Jim's landlord and usually makes coffee for Jim on the weekends. He's confused about his sister's pregnancy and the fact that she won't marry the father of her baby. Jerry is on vacation.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
passing the hours of the day avoiding the traps that<--2 options here: capitalize Passing, add a comma between day and avoiding, OR use a comma before 'passing'

Dreams are slippery and there is no telling how far the fall will be or what is at the end, if there is an end.

Jim looked qt/at Ted with recognition thqt/that something true had been spoken.

THOUGHTS -
The segue's from one man to the next are confusing. If you added a little backstory about out their lives have crossed over the decades it would make it easier to understand why Jerry was added in at the end. When writing dialog, if the person thinking is different from the person talking, start a new paragraph. Each portion of conversation should be separated with a space. I didn't understand the connection to the dreams. This is how your piece starts and there should be a tie in there somewhere else in the story. When there is a point of view shift, it's important to let the reader know, either by extra spacing, using CAPS, or some kind of line break that makes the transition smooth. You have room to expand this and really drive home your point and the connection between the three men and how dreams tie into daily life. Write on!

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190
190
Review of Final Goodbye  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


PLOT -
As someone touched but this horrible disease I found myself crying by the end. I watched my grandfather go through this for ten years and the heartache of it all is still raw. I could identify with Sam, and what that moment was like when Helena responded to him.

SETTING -
I loved how Sam saw her, thinking he didn't stand a chance with the beautiful cheerleader, only to get to marry her and spend their life together. You brought a lot of emotions out, and the images floating in my mind of the two of them were very sweet.

CHARACTERS -
Helena moved on to fulfilling her medical dream and becoming a neuro surgeon one of the saddest thing is that while she had the ability to save others lives, she couldn't save herself. Sam was a doting husband, and although it pained him to put her into a home, he did the right thing, getting her the care she needed.

THOUGHTS -
What a gripping piece of writing. Excitement for Sam when he gets his dream girl, sad that they couldn't have children, yet happy that their love for one another outweighed everything else. Even when Helena didn't even know who he was, he was there for her. You had me crying, so engrossed in their love story. Love is the key to everything in this world, it's what gives us the drive and determination to put one foot in front of the other. Great story. Thanks for sharing it. Write on! Happy Account Anniversary!!

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191
191
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


PLOT -
An open and honest piece about religion, your life, and what it means to you. You have good grasp of the things, finding humor in certain things, and I imagine in others as well. I grew up Catholic as well, but now I basically dance to the beat of my own drummer, well to that of my Creator. It shocks people senseless not to claim one a religion.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT -
I'm sorry you felt like an outsider. It boggles my mind to this day how people can be so cruel to one another. I believe it's usually fear or a closed mind that does this. What else could it be? I loved the story of the women and men in the group finding out your husband does the cooking. Mine can cook as well, and any chance I get I hand that duty off. He's better than I am at, he enjoys it, I don't. Of course I do my part when I must. I am glad that you didn't feel the need to change that dynamic of your relationship. I kept waiting for you to say that it wasn't really anyone's business who did the cooking in your home. I've grown into that kind of thinking lately. I don't think we were meant to be put into a box, but spending your time judges others is such a waste of time, besides it's not their/our job. I suppose I consider myself a little different, like you, but I prefer to use the word 'unique.' Try it on for size. I swear it gives you something to smile about when referencing yourself that way. We all have gifts, and I'm glad you've found yours. There is nothing better than being inspired by someone else, especially when needed the most. I hope you continue to be a free thinker, there are so many worse things one could be. Nice job relaying your experiences, finding humor in life, and continuing on your path. Nothing wrong with doing things that make you happy. Write on!
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192
Review of Coffee with Lisa  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


PLOT -
Lisa is getting ready for her day, gazing out to the backyard, content with the quiet and stillness of the morning. She grabs a cup of coffee and waits for the bathtub to fill. Upon getting a refill from the kitchen, she sees a man in the window staring at her.

SETTING -
Great descriptions of the man in the window. It was easy to picture him there, staring at her, scaring her. I did wonder if there were certain smells that related to him when he entered the house and attacked her since you pointed out he was scruffy looking.

CHARACTERS -
Lisa, alone in the house, content until she sees the stranger watching and he turns her world upside down.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT -
I know that feeling of always wondering if someone is in the house after an incident like this. Her instincts were good as things progressed, calling the police, calling her husband, disappointed that the sirens came but not to her door. That fear just hangs on for months to come, gripping you tight. Why didn't she scream? Being afraid does effect everyone differently, but I wanted to know if the fear made it impossible to get a sound out, or if she was so stunned and caught in disbelief that she couldn't make a sound. Just something to think about if you decide to expand on this short story. You do have room to add a few more elements to make it really terrifying. Write on!

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193
193
Review of Lack of Taste  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


PLOT -
Sebastian and Maria have a special night planned for their anniversary, but just as dinner begins, Sebastian is surprised to discover he cannot taste anything, while his sense of smell is heightened, which leads to a little bit of drama.

SETTING -
With the sense of smell more prominent, and his taste buds taking a dive, it was easy to see his confusion. He could see the steak, smell the aromas wafting up from it, but yet it continued to taste bland to him. I did feel bad for Maria when he had his little outburst, but you painted his frustration well enough. Nice added sensuality as the juice from the steak dripped onto her shirt front, causing Sebastian to want to skip ahead from dinner and desert to the fun stuff.

CHARACTERS -
Sebastian has lost his sense of taste, and his frustration comes out in a big way. Maria wants her man happy on their anniversary, but ends up crying in the bathroom after washing off her perfume.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT -
I know this was a contest entry and word count matters, but I did wonder how he felt sitting at the dinner table waiting for Maria to return, knowing he'd made her cry, even unintentionally. You did well at showing how the dinner progressed, as he couldn't figure out how she didn't taste how bland the steak was. As he continued to try and eat it, and he realized he could smell the aroma so well, it dawned on him that something was wrong. What a way to spend an anniversary. It would totally be a pain to wake up one day and have that happen from taking an over the counter medicine. Good job with having a bright spot at the end! Write on!

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194
Review of The Key  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


PLOT -
Josh finds a skeleton key while walking on the beach with a note attached to follow his dreams. He keeps the key, something about it making it difficult to throw it away. While getting something from the concession stand, he sees a locker and goes to it, inserting the key and finding it full of money.

SETTING -
It started out good with the descriptions of waking up and the empty room, to the beach that day. By the time the officers took him down to the station, the description seems to stop. Besides buying a soda and pizza, didn't he have any excitement or intentions as to what to do with the bundle of cash he had in his hand? A new car, some kind of 'toy' that he'd been saving for perhaps?

CHARACTERS -
I didn't know much about Josh, just that his roommate runs every morning and keeps his bed tidy. Josh couldn't resist temptation when it came to the key, or the money inside the locker at the beach.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
The inner dialog was good. If you choose, think about putting it into italics to make it stand out. I found no grammar and spelling issues.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT -
Adding descriptive elements to what Linda looked like, detailing more of what was in that file, and his reactions to it as his train of thought led to him figuring things out would benefit this story. It wrapped up rather quickly, all neat and tidy. I know he was in jail and the interrogation room. Was he afraid? Scared at all at the prospect of the warning at the beach coming true and him being the fall guy for a murder he didn't commit? Adding a little more emotion from Josh would really let this piece shine.

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195
195
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


What I read ~
A town legend has three boys curious enough to go in search of it, at night, in the local cemetery. Most people shy away from going all the way to the back, even knowing the tale of the golden sword buried there for anyone to find and claim. The boys, though scared, still take a chance, but what happens next has them running, only to return to finish the quest.

What stood out ~
Good narrative throughout, from the young boys point of view, to now an old man reminiscing about his childhood and what changed everything for him and his friends. I liked catching glimpses of his memories, how he saw things now, verses what happened during that time in his life.

Things to work on ~
Those that pass the cemetary/cemetery at night swear they have seen green glimmering thing out that way after dark.~~things perhaps?

We went right up to the headstone.

~There is also one point where the word 'grinned' is in bold, and is moved from the sentence it belongs with.


Personal Impressions ~
I liked the tale of the golden sword. Just a little bit scary enough to keep the reader wondering what will happen next. The friendships were good as were the descriptions of the Sullivan boys and how they attained their nicknames. It all had a good outcome, except for Soupy, who of course led them back to the cemetery to find what they were looking for. Write on!

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196
196
Review of First Flight  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


What I read ~
Poor Jackson is ready for his first flight, and even though the stewardess tries to put him at ease, telling him flying is safer than driving, his eventful ride to the airport only makes him more nervous. I could picture him being scared as he boarded the plane with the descriptions you used.

What stood out ~
Good visuals of his death grip on the hand rests as the plane took off, pressing upon the point that this first flight isn't something he looked forward to at all. His seat mate was funny with his little comment about flying be boring, a total contrast to what Jackson is going through. Good job getting all of this into a short piece for the Daily Flash Fiction Challenge.

Personal Impressions ~
When the captain made his announcement I was wondering where this piece was headed. A crash? An announcement that there's a problem already and they will be turning around. It was so funny to find out that the screaming over the intercom was all caused by a cup of piping hot coffee in the captain's lap. Ouch! But even funnier still was poor Jackson. Not only were his words cracking me up, but the thought of what his poor seat mate must be thinking as he comments to what the captain had to say with a little tidbit of his own. Classic! Nicely done and under the word contest word count. Write On!

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197
197
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


What I read ~
A newlywed couple is finding it difficult to find time together. Susie goes to her mother for advice and her mother suggests going to church on Jake's one day off from work. After agreeing to try out to be youth ministers, the couple find out how difficult abstinence can really be.

What stood out ~
I loved Jake's descriptions of why they only made it through 29 days. Each description or shall I say excuse, had me laughing. Isn't it always the littlest of things that tend to push us on?

Things to work on ~
"No, No we were okay, -- you used the No, No twice. I think either it should be No, no - or No. No we were okay. The caps together that way don't look right.

Personal Impressions ~
Cute story. If fidgeting is a way to show a lack of sex, then man I really need to be paying more attention to my surroundings! I liked how the best to distract Jake was to hit the grocery store, as everything Susie seemed to be doing at home was only making it worse for him. I had a nice visual of the pair dashing out of the story not being able to stand it for one more minute. I laughed every time Jake gave the Pastor more insight into the reasons why they couldn't hold out any longer. And especially that they are no longer welcome at the grocery store. Solid story. Write on!

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198
198
Review of Double Wide  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.


What I read ~
Ah a real trip to the Walmart. Nobody does it better from what I've witnessed myself and you made that point very clear. The poem had good flow and the rhyme scheme from one stanza to the next were spot on.

What stood out ~
I must say there was a lot that caught my attention. The imagery of those leopard print leggings with a neon green thong screaming out from beneath is still sitting in my mind and I can't get the image out! Once I finished reading, and laughing I noticed the picture you included for this poem and that delivered as well.

Things to work on ~
I could find nothing that should be changed. The entire poem worked as the story unfolded of how he found his double-wide.

Personal Impressions ~
I am still laughing over the last stanza. You incorporated the perceptions for Rednecks wonderfully. Good comedic timing throughout. I'm still surprised he abandoned his cart of beer, so she really must have been something. One little trip to the store and it turned into a lifelong relationship. Stranger things have happened. One never knows what one will find on a trip to Walmart. For you found the inspiration to write and share this unique poem. I don't think I will be forgetting this one any time soon. Now that's staying power! Nicely done. Write on!

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199
199
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*NoteV* Story ~
Adam wakes and finds he cannot get out of his room no matter how hard he tries. The door won't budge, the windows are stuck, he has no phone, and his neighbors prefer to pretend like no one else lives in the building.
{c}
*NoteG* Characters ~
Emma is the little girl who appears and helps Adam figure out what's going on. She's miserable, with a sense of humor and doesn't beat around the bush at all. Very direct for a child, which is very refreshing. Adam is stunned to learn of his fate. He asks the right questions, but Emma can only give him so much in the form of an answer, directing him to his path. The pair form a slight friendship because of their circumstances, Adam giving Emma something she hasn't had in a long time, someone who shows an interest in her for a change.

*NoteV* Issues ~
The absence of a lock made it fair to guess that the door led into and adjoining room instead of a public hallway.

*green**NoteG* Impressions ~
Intriguing tale about death and the afterlife, asking all of the right questions, but not being able to answer them fully. How much does one believe, and if the things one believes happens after death is really how it is? You have two strong characters that made it easy to become engrossed in the tale. The added elements of humor helped to make this story memorable as well. It definitely gets you thinking, wondering about what comes next. Thanks for sharing this one. I really enjoyed it. Write on!
{c}
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

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200
200
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*NoteV* Story ~
Charlie lives with Ben, who fixes clocks for a living. Ben comes home and begins to tell him a tale of the richest man in London being locked in his house and in need of rescuing. Ben relays the tale as he collects his tools and asks Charlie to take notes because he thinks it will be a good story.
{c}
*NoteG* Characters ~
Ben and Charlie have a nice, steady, and humorous rapport. Charlie does tend to be annoyed with all of the tools and clock parts that clutter the apartment. They are funny pair, excited about things as they speak with each other. Charlie tends to interrupt Ben when he tells a story, and Charlie's inner dialog was perfect, adding to the dynamics of the story.

*NoteV* Issues ~
But leaving aside the all the grand adventures and capital the air fleet represented
~~This was the only issue I found. The only thing I would mention would be the over use of exclamation points. Other than that, the story had great flow and descriptions.

*green**NoteG* Impressions ~
I enjoyed this story. You had enough going on that pulled me in as a reader and makes me want to read the next chapter. The time period worked well. The dialog took me back to that place and time. I loved the humor you incorporated into the story. You described Ben very well, I could picture him frenzied going through what he would need to go rescue the family trapped inside their house. A little suspense going on as well. Write on!
{c}
"Game of Thrones"   by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

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