Choconut's (purplesunday) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

2,186 Public Reviews Given

2,205 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.

I'm good at...

I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.

Favorite Genres

Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.

Least Favorite Genres

Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.

Favorite Item Types

Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.

Least Favorite Item Types

Chapters from the middle of books.

126

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14 days may be credited.

#4746516

Review of The Witch's Garden

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi Ẃeβ࿚Ẃỉtcĥ

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked ...

I am perusing your portfolio today, hoping to conquer Door 13 in The House of Black and White. All you need to do is sit back and enjoy the review raid. I thought I would start with The Witch's Garden because it is a fun activity. It seems like yesterday, we were parading our festive handles for all to see. It gave the whole site a special, Christmassy feeling. And that was partly down to this forum.

The forum itself is clear and attractive in its mission. You state the instruction in a large enough print that those with older eyes (like me) can read it easily. I love all the emoticons you use. The baubles, Christmas presents and Santa hats and stockings decorate the page so that they catch our eyes.

I like how you tell us we can add a joke or song or a holiday recipe to our post, but it isn't compulsory. That is very inclusive. And it adds to the enjoyment for everyone who posts their own handle. And — may I be so bold as to say? — the prizes are fab. I enjoyed sending out lots of Coffee Creams and Strawberry Surprises. Thank you, for including my chocolate emporium.

Suggestions: I know you have a Halloween Handles contest (you are, after all the Witch of the Web), but you could also have a Valentine's Handle, or Thanksgiing. All kinds of handles contests. I know that would take up too much time, but it is just a thought.

Parting comments: This activity really helps to sprinkle some festive magic on Writing.com and its members. It's free to enter, and the prizes are great. I can't believe it has been four months since we all displayed our holiday handles. Time flies. It will be time for our Halloween handles before we know it.

Choconut

My House Targaryen Sig. for Game of Thrones, 2024.

127

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14 days may be credited.

#4746346

Review of ghost; defined

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Fivesixer

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked ..Every. Single. Thing.

I hope you know (because I'm sure I've told you before) how much I love your poetry. It is the kind of poetry that reaches right inside and gives your heart a tweak. And I love poetry that does that. So this poem really appealed to me.

Your writing is so rhythmic and lyrical. It's kind of like a song, with the internal rhymes that are divine and the indents on certain lines, informing us how to read the lines. I only cottoned on to this playing with the whole form in the last couple of years, but when I see it in other people's poetry, it makes me happy. Even though this poem is actually really sad. When I read your poem, it feels like it is written to be spoken aloud. It has a natural rhythm that really works.

Which brings me on to the content. What a keen observation of society and how singletons are viewed and treated by those in couples. When I split from my ex, and before I married my hubby, my family all whispered to one another that I must be gay and closeted. Simply because I was in my thirties and single. Except for when they didn't notice me at all. Which was a lot of the time. But, that's my mini-rant over.

I think the most poignant line, for me, is "Living in a shape." Wow. That feeling that you are nothing, you're insignificant. Even worse, you're invisible. Only the shell which carries you around. That line evoked a strong reaction in me. That's my favourite line. Another great line is: "You're a light / disbelieved." Also, when you when you write that you're living in a shell of self, " ...a blanket / of clouds shroud you out" is fab. I love the rhyme of "clouds" and "shroud."

Suggestions: I don't have any, I'm afraid. I honestly think this is perfect as is. My only suggestion would be to get this published, but you've done that already!

Parting comments: I don't normally gush like this at unsuspecting individuals, but after reading your poem, I had no choice. I am very happy to have reviewed you today.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

128

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14 days may be credited.

#4745851

Review of Love is Fear

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi iKïyå§ama

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked ...

Firstly, I love this song. Good choice. Secondly, huge kudos to you for writing this poem. You would think redaction poems would be easy, wouldn't you? All the words are already there. But, easy, they are not. You have written a really good poem, though. It makes sense (which is hard with redactions) and it actually moved me. Those first lines, "all our times / now they're gone" are so sad. They grab your reader's attention. We want to read more.

The second verse is the one that stands out to me. The story woven throughout your poem seems to be similar to the one in the song itself. But your poem is more succinct, and you draw your reader to the important parts of it. So, we see this woman who is mourning the loss (I'm not sure whether it is through a relationship breakup or through death) of a loved one. I read that she wants to be with him once more and that he appears to her, leading the way. Or, perhaps, he provides support from the afterlife. I'm not sure now. She must have to die because you write, "together in eternity" Yes. That's it.

Your imagery of, one day, all of us being able to fly when we leave this world, just like the seasons and the weather are able to do so now, is clever. Again, it could be read as we all have our moments in the sun. We all excel at something. We all have our chance to be our best us.

Suggestions: It took me a few reads to make the third line work. It didn't make sense to me that "seasons don't fear the wind, etc." I think I got it in the end, but I would maybe look at that if you ever revise this. My only other query is regards to the punctuation. I know that in free verse poetry, punctuation is not needed. I'm not sure of the rules in redaction poetry. But, I've had this point drummed into me many times: If you aren't going to use punctuation, then don't. At all. Or, use it wherever it should be. All or nothing. Now, I'm not saying I necessarily agree with that always, but it might have been good to have some end-of-line punctuation in this poem. Simply because you're cutting another poem up and putting words together that weren't intended that way. So, I think punctuation would make it clearer, in general.

Parting comments: This is a great read, Kiya. As I said, it is quite emotive, and I think most people will be able to relate to it.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

129

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14 days may be credited.

#4745403

Review of Greeting Cards For any Occasion

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Maryann

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

I wanted to review something a little different for my next anniversary review, so I chose a cNote shop. You had a few to choose from, but I opted for this one because I don't think I've used it before. I will rectify that in the future. It's a great shop with fabulous images and messages to suit most occasions. Additionally, the cNotes are really inexpensive. They are a super value for money.

I note you thanked Legerdemain for her help in making these images.That was kind of her, and I like that you acknowledge her help on the main page. As well as great images for the cNotes, you also have an appealing decoration in the information box. A teal flower that is very pretty. In this box, you note that all proceeds go to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. That is nice that you do that.

My favourite image has to be the one with sheep with twisty horns. These sheep are so funny. Or are they goats with crazy fleeces? I think they are sheep. But I love the expression on the face of the sheep facing the camera! Your birthday dinosaur is a cute one. I have friend who would love to receive that. Oh, I can't not mention the last cNote. "Wishes do come true." That is a lovely sentiment, and I think we could all use this message from time to time.

Suggestions: I am being picky again. This shop is called 'Greeting Cards For any Occasion,' but there are no 'Happy Anniversary' cards, also no 'Congratulations on Turning Yellow or Blue.' I don't know if ten cNotes is the limit for one shop? That may be why. And this shop has lot of other cards. Plus, I'm sure you have the cNotes in your other shops. But it's just an observation.

Parting comments: I've added this shop to my favourites because there are some great cNotes here, and I know I will have opportunities to use them in the future.

Happy anniversary!

Choconut

130

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14 days may be credited.

#4745397

Review of Courage and Sunflower Seeds

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi Maryann

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked ... Your title is perfect! This really is a story about courage and sunflower seeds.

This story begins with a practice duel between twelve-year-old Miles and his father. The boy is cock-sure and says how well he is doing, to which his father makes a move that disarms his son. I love how he then rubs his son's head, messing his hair. This gesture of affection is heartwarming.

The relationship between Miles and Margaret is really believable. When he first "scampered over to" her, I liked these two together. They bicker at first, him making fun of Margaret for constantly eating sunflower seeds. But he still offers to pump water for her, which is a lovely gesture. She is very generous with the seeds, though, and offers him some, as well as leaving some for the birds. When the pair decide to have an adventure in the forest, I had no idea what would happen there, what they would find. Fortunately, Margaret leaves a trail of sunflower seeds as they go.

I really like how you write, almost as an aside, "Their parents were going through great pains of trying to make a lady and gentleman out of their children." That is funny. Also, it tells us who these kids are, of their nobility, without going into a long backstory.

Okay, so on to what they found in the forest. I believe it was a spaceship-slash- extraterrestrial- house. Shaped like a disk and made from silver metal. A beautiful lady emerges and asks the children inside, so she can show them around. They were reluctant, but went anyway. And I was shouting (in my mind) at them, not to go. This next part made me laugh out loud. After tying up Miles, the woman tells them she wishes to do them no harm. She simply wants to drain some of their life force. Oh, is that all? All right, then. Margaret saves the day by trapping the woman, and then, they find their way home by following the trail of sunflower seeds. They contemplate how their adventure was like that of Hansel and Gretel. And it was. I get that.

Suggestions: Just a few points. "The cool water seemed to sparkle in the sunlight." I would take out "seemed to" and just say the water sparkled. "she heard the crackling of a furry little creature scurry across some leaves." I would change "scurry" to "scurrying' because, at the moment it reads as though the crackling is heard scurrying, but it's the creature who is heard scurrying. I don't know if I explained that right? My last point is a typo: " It’s thick white, lacy pattern ..." This doesn't need an apostrophe in "it's."

Parting comments: This story didn't take me where I expected to go! A space ship in a land of lords and ladies and sword duels. Brilliant! I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing.

Happy WDC Account Anniversary!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

131

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14 days may be credited.

#4745386

Review of A Healing Day for Rhea

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hi Maryann

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked ...There is a healing horse! How awesome is that?

This is a lovely, little story about the healing power of parents and animals. This story is set on Neptune thousands of years in the future. I love how the school children and their teacher have the opinion of humans from Earth being inferior. Because, I guess, compared to them, they are. The kid who doesn't see the point in learning about humans made me laugh. Also, how the teacher says a lot of them have some percentage of humans in them. Straight from the beginning, you let us know where and when this story is taking place.

This poor teacher, Rhea Vesta, needs a shot of confidence. She doesn't believe she is a good teacher because she doesn't believe she is a good mother to her seven-year-old daughter, Miranda. This is where I have to mention Sadie, the healing horse. How wonderful this would be. Everyone has their healing horse who heals them. All they have to do is lie on their horses back. They restore your energy and mend wounds. I love that. I also liked how Sadie was missing, but Rhea knew where to find her because she knew her daughter's and Sadie's habits. This proved to Rhea she was a good mother. I hope she managed to take this confidence through to her classroom.

I really like how the class is learning about their Martian ancestors, showing us that these Neptunians are way in the future from us today. I like how, despite this difference in time, the feelings and emotions of Rhea, and the reactions of her pupils, could easily have been written about people in the 21st Century. It is very relatabie.

This line is my favourite of the whole story: "She's lost quite a bit of life essence, and no one can find her healing horse." That made me sit up straight. What is a healing horse? I wondered. And, life essence? How does that work? Great writing there. I love how you just slipped this in. Also, this mention of Rhea's implant chip made me smile: "Rhea checked the small bump at her temple and realized that it was indeed accidentally shut off." Love it!

Suggestions: I only have one place to consider (and this is me being super picky). "Sometimes I wonder why I took this job as a History and Stella Cartography teacher. I’m not good with children. My own daughter, Miranda, is so impulsive and uncontrollable at times. It’s no wonder I have no discipline in my classroom." These are the internal thoughts of Rhea. They don't feel completely natural. When we think, it tends not to be in complete sentences. So, for example, the the first part of the sentence could be, "Why did I take this job? History teacher? Huh!"

Parting comments: This is a most enjoyable story, Maryann. Thanks for sharing, and, most importantly, keep writing!

Happy WDC Account Anniversary!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

132

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14 days may be credited.

#4745051

Review of Across the County Line

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Amethyst Angel 🌼

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked ...

This story is fantastic! I think I had a smile on my face from the very beginning to the last word you've written. These two elderly ladies are great characters. I love how they bicker and disagree, but you know that they are actually the best of friends. June, the narrator, is more reserved and just a little bt grumpy. Elsie, however, is more outgoing and eager to make this trip. I love June's grumpiness and the way she describes Elsie as always having "harebrained activities" that she drags June on. Elsie is excited to go on the treasure hunt. She wants to win the prize. When she says that part of the prize is a "lifetime subscription to Pure Fix." I laughed. I've no idea what Pure Fix is, but Elsie goes on to say, "Who wouldn't want that?" I think the answer to that might be: June.

You have some great descriptions in this story, particularly of Elsie's and June's ageing bodies. The creaks and groans as they bend and almost bump heads. I completely believed in these women, and in their age. Also, there are some lovely descriptions of the setting. From the, "mountain range on the Cumberland plateau" as they drive parallel to it, to the "musty scent of aged wood enveloping us" when they enter the store. You place your reader right inside the story world with your characters, and it's a really enjoyable place to be.

I loved the conclusion of Elsie and June's action, when Elsie tripped the thief and they fell in a tangle together. That made me laugh out loud. I loved the way you set the mystery, too. I mean, a treasure hunt is naturally mystrious, and you are there to solve it. But, the mystery of the notes and Apple items in the trunk adds to this. It's really well done.

Suggestions: Not really suggestions; more like observations. I felt like you were teasing us about something to come when you wrote that Elsie and June realised they were the only females on the treasure hunt. It feels like quite a big deal is made of this, and I expected this to be key to the rest of the story. I was also curious to know why June needed the money (her reason for taking Elsie on this treasure hunt). Maybe it was simply that her old-age pension didn't stretch, but the way she mentioned it made me think there might be more to come about that.

Parting comments: What is a Cracker Barell? I've never heard of one of those. I enjoyed this story a lot. These are two fantastic characters, and I could envisage them having many more adventures together.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

133

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14 days may be credited.

#4745038

Review of Clandestine Services

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hi Jeff

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked ...

Although short, this story has a great set-up, just the right amount of tension, and a fantastic reveal at the end. You really have packed a lot into such a short flash fiction piece.

Right from the first paragraph, where we learn that the partner is working on gaining access to the CEO's office, you hook your readers, and you hooked me. All kinds of thoughts were running through my mind, like were they sabotaging the office somehow? Were they spraying graffiti? Were they hacking the computer? And, I believe, these are precisely the questions you wanted your readers to ask. You do a fantastic job with misleading and misdirecting everyone who reads this.

I love the surprise ending. These two workers have been decorating the CEO's office so that everyone can celebrate their birthday. When I read this, I laughed out loud. Now, I have to say it's really realistic. Having worked in offices for many years, this is exactly the sort of surprise we used to plan for one another. And there was one person who took on the person in command for all celebrations. I guess I was kind of her second in command because I always arranged her birthday celebrations. But the way everything is organised with a military precision is so true to life. That made me smile.

Suggestions: It was hard to find anything to suggest for improvement. Your grammar is faultless, and your structure really good. One tiny thing I might change if I were you: "Thirty minutes later, we finished up and cleaned up ..." The two "up"s here stood out a bit. I would probably say, "Thirty minutes later, we finished and cleaned up ..."

Parting comments: This is a great, little story. I love the intrigue, and the final reveal is clever and a big surprise. I really enjoyed this story.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

134

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14 days may be credited.

#4745029

Review of The Locked Door

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi iKïyå§ama

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked ...

My mind is buzzing with questions after reading this. But, firstly, let me just say I loved this story. You create mystery and suspense throughout, and I couldn't wait to find out what was behind the door to the room next to the laundry room. I was worried that whatever it was might hurt Benjamin in some way. And, I guess, it did. Only, not in any way I had imagined. The surprise I felt at the end was unexpected and brilliant.

You set up this story so well, with Benjamin obsessing over what might be behind the door. His father is evasive and gives a cryptic answer that isn't really an answer. His mother, when he asks her, denies the door even exists. What could possibly be behind that door that is so terrible his parents won't allow Benjamin to see it? Well, Benjamin decides to find out. And, I think it's fair to say, he soon wishes he didn't. In this room, a workshop / laboratory, his father is making robot Benjamins, inspired by Frankenstein's monster, I believe. Because Benjamin died when he was hit by a drunk driver. What I wasn't sure about was whether this Benjamin was the real Benjamin, patched back together, or if he, too, was some kind of robot. I am still not sure.

The affections both parents show Benjamin is lovely, especially his father. The older man ruffles his hair and pats his head showing the tenderness and love he has for his son. His mother kisses his forehead after tucking him into bed. When you haven't read to the end of the story, these three could be any happy family. Which makes the ending even more jarring.

Benjamin, himself, is cute. In particular, I love this: "'Guess, we have to go investigate this, Captain Dooley,' he whispered to his favorite toy action-figure." It is so natural. I could imagine this little boy padding downstairs, clutching his favourite toy. In all innocence, the excitement he felt must have been immense.

Suggestions: I have nothing to add in terms of plot or characters. I just have one typo to mention: "What door across the basement, honey?" I think this should be, "across from the basement."

Parting comments: What a great story, Kiya, with a fantastic reveal. I never would have guessed what lay behind the infamous door. A really enjoyable story!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

135

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14 days may be credited.

#4744500

Review of The Town Watcher

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi SandraLynn

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

This is a great, little story. You captured my attention at the start with the contents of Millicent's "cavernous tote bag." I especially loved the, "heaping mound of mind-your-own-beeswax for the impolite, mouthy hooligans." (I wasn't entirely sure of the purpose of this, though.) I liked the way the story unfolded. You show us Millicent, who could be any old lady simply gone to feed the ducks. But, no. She has another purpose. When she uses the binoculars that her nephew Sam left her when he died, we understand that there is slightly more to it. Millicent is out keeping watch, observing. Not being a snoop or busybody.

Millicent's personality is great. I love how much she seems to have loved her nephew. I think she says that the family business is hers now, which is why she is sat where she is, watching the goings-on from the town square. But, I'm not sure whether she really is running a business, or if she just says that. Maybe she sees it as her responsibility. Either way, she is great.

When Millicent is watching the people, she sees Mr Peabdy and Ivy, and I think a shot of jealousy runs through her. She mentions his haircut, and how could Ivy be cradling his head after the accident? The green-eyed monster has struck. You draw our interest when Millicent speaks of Sam, her nephew. I think he must have been killed on a night stakeout. So I assume he was a cop? At the end of the story, Millicent wonders if Sam is seeing the events she watches. That's a lovely touch.

Suggestions: I have a few grammatical suggestions, but I have put them in a dropnote, so you can read them at your leisure. Or not.
Grammatical Suggestions ▼

Parting comments: I enjoyed reading your story. In just a few words, you created a rounded character with backstory and interesting possibilities for her future.

Happy Account Anniversary!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

136

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14 days may be credited.

#4744429

Review of Bubba's Corner BBQ

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked ...

This made me laugh. A lot. The way you create characters, showing us instantly who they are and what they are like, is a joy to read. Maryann and Stew made me laugh because I could relate to the husband and wife sniping at each other when they have been in the car together for a long time, they are hungry, and they don't know where they are going. Who hasn't been there? I especially loved the way Stew didn't want to ask for directions because he was a man, and, "Men don't ask for directions." I think that's, like, a universal law that is programmed into mens' heads at birth.

The dialogue between the two in the car and Russ and Evie, who Maryann asks for directions, is brilliant. This description of Evie showed me straight away who she was: "The girl’s hair was curly and extra frizzy, and she had a cigarette in her fingers." That is all the description you give, but we know her immediately. I loved the back and forth between Russ and Evie, like they were having a competition to see who could give the best directions. Russ, being the man, thought he could. But, really, it is Evie's directions that help the most.

This made me chuckle: "Russ can’t tell his fork hand from his shootin’ hand." What a great description. I loved how he was quick to accept the money, and then sniffed it.The discussion of Bubba's and how good the food is made me laugh when Russ said they went to Bubba's the previous night, and Evie said, "He’s still fartin’ it off." That is so funny. And then, Maryann and Stew were both worried about which foods gave him the gas. As a Brit, I've heard of collard greens, but I don't really understand what they are. My hubby is American, and whenever I ask him, he just says, "Oh, cooked green vegetables."

Suggestions: Just a couple of typos: "'Okay,' said Evie. He waved her hand ..." It should be "She." Also, "'That way,' said the guy motioned with his hand." I would take out "said."

Parting comments: I enjoyed your story very much. It made me laugh, and you created some fantastic characters. Nice work.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

137

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14 days may be credited.

#4744425

Review of The Great Ship

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Winchester Jones

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked ...

This retelling of the final moments onboard the Titanic has moved me more than I expected. I really felt for these people who knew their lives were about to end, and I felt frightened for them. I wanted them to escape, even though I knew they couldn't. It made me think about how claustrophobic and anxiety-inducing the situation must have been. Wow. It's not that I've never thought about it before. I've seen the film (who hasn't?), but there is something about the way you have told this story that hit me. I think it is the normality and ordinariness of everyone's actions amid such terrifying events.

The band playing while the ship went down is something I learned from watching the film. The others, though, I'm not sure whether you made them up, or whether you have read about people who were on the ship. But they are all great. The upper class men who are smoking and drinking and they allow the steward of one of them to join them. He, then, passes around a joint. (I loved that.) Also, I loved how the steward was wearing his employer's top hat and tails, and the suit doesn't fit him properly. I like the steward. He strikes me as a person with a lot of guts. Sophia and Teddy are a sweet couple, making love for the first time because they know it will be their last time. That is so sad. It did make me smile how Sophia would only do it if Teddy said he loved her. Not surprisingly, he did so straight away.

I love the end. The words, "It was coming. It was coming." take your readers closer to the inevitable, and the way you describe the ship as tipping at a thirty degree angle, reminds us that there is no escape for these people. Still, the men reflect how it wasn't a bad life.

Suggestions: There is just one typo. " ...and though they were goinging as fast as they could ..." It should be "going."

Parting comments: This is a fantastic story. You really put me in the heads of some of those people who didn't make it to the lifeboats. It's very moving.

Choconut

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#4744424

Review of Bubba's Corner BBQ

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi 👼intuey

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked: Every darn thing!

This is fantastic, Tracey! I laughed so much while reading it. I note that the prompt said one of your genres has to be "comedy." Well, lady, you nailed it. The whole story of how the hog escaped from the farm and ran straight into Bubba's place on the corner, and the farcical results of that, is so funny. There was an awful moment when you said the hog crashed into the smoker out the back, where I thought the hog had run himself into (like, inside) an oven and got himself cooked. I mean, I know that's probably whee he was headed anyway, but I really wanted him to escape. What really made me chuckle was how the hog ran back home, "fine," after creating mayhem and burning down Bubba's. The image of the hog with "ten people chasing it" is a fabulous visual. I could picture it so well.

I love how the person giving directions knows exactly what happened in Bubba's. In detail. That sounds like the way small villages work over here. Gossip gets passed around so that everyone knows everyone else's business. Usually with the odd embellishment added along the way. But, in this instance, I think it is more the case of this event being local legend. I imagine the locals are all pretty happy to have this in their neighbourhood.

The directions themselves are great. "When you get to the big blue mailbox, you'll want to cross the street and cut through the park." I love directions like that. I have no sense of direction. I could get lost in a cardboard box, but you know what? It's because I've never been given directions like this. Using landmarks, rather than road numbers and distances, is a much better way of helping someone.

Parting comments: This is a great, little story. I love your narrative voice. Your writing is warm and welcoming and really a pleasure to read. And this story is so funny. I loved it!

Choconut

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#4744421

Review of Bobby-Q

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Gratefully IE

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

This poem is incredibly funny. It's given me a proper belly laugh this morning. I've been reading through all the entries for this prompt, and I can see I made the right decision not to enter. I don't think this English woman could have competed with so many people who know first-hand how the accents should sound. And it is the accents that make the poems so funny. Some of the phrases you have used made me laugh. This, though simple, cracked me up: "I might could hep wit’ dat." I love that.

I love how your last line reads, "Hey! Where y'all going'?" That's great. Unsurprisingly, the people looking for Bubba's haven't understood the directions. I can't say I blame them. The reason the person gives for Bubba's Corner being so called is hilarious. It is because the name Bubba's In The Middle of the Block doesn't have the same ring to it. I love how the person giving directions finds this hilarious and says, "Hehe thass a knee slapper! / I crack m'self up." You crack me up, too!

What makes this poem so brilliant is how real the voices sound. I could picture and hear the Southern person speaking. You've done a great job with making your readers feel they know this person. Additionally, your speaker describes how good the BBQ smells, and my mouth is watering just thinking about those ribs. Your speaker says, "Mmm mmm I ken taste ‘em now." Me too!

Suggestions: There is one place where I wasn't sure whether the word is a typo or a Southern word I don't understand. "Onct ya'll get ta ol’ Cozy’s" Is this a Southern word, or is it a typo? Should it be "once"? I don't know. Also, the one place I felt the rhythm was a little off was, "Bubba’s place be d’reckly acrost from Cozy’s" "d'reckly acrost" is where the issue lies. The words read as a little uneven, compared to the rest of them.

Parting comments: I have enjoyed reading your poem very much. I needed a good laugh this morning, and that is exactly what you have given me. Thank you.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

140

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#4744137

Review of Detecting the Detective

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Richard ~ Looking for Luck!

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked ...

The mystery of this story is my favourite thing. What is happening with technologies and machines? They appear to be taking over the world. Banding together and forming a kind of task force. At the moment, that task force works for the good of society, preventing crimes from being perpetrated. We meet Lieutenant Bob Porter, a man who is puzzled by the things he is witnessing. In the story, we enter as the lieutenant is speaking to a couple whose auto cam, "Gigi" prevented an assault and potential kidnapping in an alleyway, is the latest bot to think and act on its own instructions. While I could understand why Emily wanted to keep her saviour near to her, I also thought I would have wanted to find out what was going on. Although, I guess that would have meant taking Gigi to pieces, so I can see Emily's point of view.

You lead on nicely to Porter's own auto bot. It orders Italian food from the restaurant he normally goes to and gets the order right. Plus, his car automatically takes him to collect it. That is a little bit freaky. At the very end, we see the home entertainment system asking Porter what questions he has for them. This feels very scary, to me. I don't have the feeling the machines mean him well. Especially, as he is following the trail of what is controlling them.

I like your humour. The part where Porter is interviewing Greg and Emily and Emily is complaining about using the alleyway, Porter thinks, "Casting a sympathetic look at Greg, Porter knew this poor guy was going to pay for this for a long time." This made me chuckle.

Suggestions: I have a few grammar suggestions, which I have put in a dropnote so you can read them at your leisure. If you wish.
Grammar Suggestions ▼

Parting comments: This is an interesting story. I enjoyed reading it, although the idea of technology being taken over is a pretty scary one. Even if it seems to be for the good of everyone.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4744052

Review of Pick Me While I Am A Rose

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi Brenpoet

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

This poem is beautiful. That's the only word that describes it well enough. Everything about it is like music, like liquid chocolate. You write with a wonderful rhythm and rhyme, and you use words to describe both the rose and a person's changing features as they age. I love how you compare their ageing to the rose, the most beautiful and romantic of flowers. This poem reminded me of one of Shakespeare's sonnets. I can't remember which one. He writes, "Summer's lease hath all too short a date," and that is what this poem made me think of.

I love how sensual and seductive this poem is. "Summer's ruby crown" is such great imagery. This whole poem is one of vivid, visual imagery that excites the senses. Your use of the colour red also makes the poem romantic.

My favourite stanza is the third one. In this, you mention pollen, and you speak of it as though it is a magic spell that will entice your lover to you. But, also, it is what the birds and insects are drawn to in the flowers. I haven't explained that well. But it is my favourite part of the poem.

This is actually quite a sad poem. The narrator is asking her lover to come to her while she is young because, once she is no longer young, she will fade away. Her "Petals" will "die away." It makes me think of a dead rose head turning to dust, and the thought that a woman is groomed to think all her value lies in her looks is sad. But it is what we are taught.

Suggestions: There is one place where the rhythm doesn't seem quite right. The first line of the last stanza. "One day I will shed my gown," While you can make the rhythm fit once you have read it and figured out how it should sound, but when I first read it, it stood out, just a little, as not quite fitting. My other suggestion is to maybe write the form you have used somewhere on the page. Only because I'm curious, and I don't really know how to find out.

Parting comments: This poem is wonderful. You have a natural talent for writing rhyming poetry, and also for creating a great rhythm in your poetry. This poem is first class.

Choconut

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#4743352

Review of Carlie's Wish

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Chrys O'Shea - Writing again

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

The central part of this story is a message that everyone is important and everyone has their part to play in any family or organisation. It is told through the eyes of Carlie, a cow who is somewhat restless in her position on the farmyard. She longs, more than anything, to have wings and to be able to fly. She is sure that is how she could be truly happy. She figures that she doesn't have an important part to play on the farm. She doesn't help settle the hens at night, she doesn't give allergy free milk like the goat does. She doesn't think she offers anything worthwhile. I felt so sorry for Carlie. She seems like a sweetheart. Once she gets her wings, magically one morning, she realises that she doesn't want to be constantly airbound. She wants to spend time with her friends and providing her special, extra rich milk for a sick child.

I love how this story would help to make children with less confidence feel good about themselves. It also teaches the lesson of being happy with who you are, and playing to your strengths. Another important message that I wish someone had told me when I was younger.

Suggestions: Just a minor point. I felt the end thought, where Carlie thinks how much more important she could be, was not necessary. It's almost like she still doesn't feel she is enough as she is, which goes against the rest of the story. I also have a few grammar suggestions. I will put them in a dropnote, so you can read them at leisure (or not).
Grammar Suggestions ▼

Parting comments: I really enjoyed this story. It is a fantastic way of building confidence in children who are shy or unconfident. Thanks for sharing.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4743062

Review of Dead End

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Joy

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

This mystery of what happened to Marge's grandfather is entertaining. It hooked me at the start, and it kept me drawn in so I could find out the truth about what happened. I have to confess, there was a horrible moment where I thought maybe her grandfather would end up in Marge's art exhibit. I was glad he didn't. Although, his fate still wasn't happy. I wondered, in the end, if Marge and Daryl told the truth about killing the old man out of love. It seemed very convenient.

I loved the way the investigator has a major crush of Marge, the accused. I'm sure this wasn't entirely professional of him. I suspect she probably wouldn't have been interested in him, though. I think he would probably have been too old for her. This line from the investigator brilliantly showcases his infatuation: "I took this case because of Marge's dreamy blue eyes and the sunlight flickering on her curls." This is while he is questioning her! All he can think about is how much he loves her.

I love this description that the investigator gives when he discovers that Marge had a hand in her grandfather's death: "My heart has lost its music like a violin out of tune." It's so melodramatic, so over-the-top, but also really likely that it's what this guy would have felt. That made me chuckle.

Suggestions: I got a little confused at the beginning. The story reads like an acocount from the investigator, and it starts by saying, "I look at Marge." So he is telling us what he observes, but then, things seem to switch to Marge's point of view. We see details of the policeman going to her office from her point of view. There is no reason she would have told the investigator those details. Unless I'm reading it wrong? That is possible.

Parting comments: I enjoyed reading your story. It has a great hook and a subtle twist at the end. I really liked this story.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4743057

Review of Jettison

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hi Legerdemain

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

There is so much to love about this story, from the excitement of the rocket hurtling into space, to the moving scenes of a couple and their son when the worst thing imaginable happens to them. I loved everything about this story. Additionally, I think this is the first story about space travel I've ever read. It's not in my usual genre choice. However, now I'm wondering why not.

This story kind of reminded me of the David Bowie song 'Space Oddity.' Tara was lost in her own capsule, floating miles above the Earth. I kept thinking of Major Tom as I read this. I thought you did a great job of making me feel anxious. From the beginning, I was apprehensive about whether Tara would make it home or not. That didn't stop me from hoping she could be all right. Even after her boss delivered the bad news, I wanted some miracle to happen. She took the news very well, I thought. She didn't seem scared at all. She just seemed sad that she would never see her husband and son again. I would have been terrified. Your little detail of Tara taking the tablet to sedate her once she was in the capsule was good.

The part where Tara's team get her ready for the jettison is really well written. The final salute is moving. I also loved the detail of the fat tear on her boss's cheek. I loved how Tara's throat was tight as she was leaving home. You really amped up the emotion in this story. It was easy to feel sad for Tara and her family. It is really beautiful writing.

Suggestions: This is a question, and maybe I misunderstood. I thought there were other people in the rocket with Tara. If that is the case, were they given escape capsules, also? Because I wouldn't have thought the rocket could carry a lot of them. I also wonder whether the boss would really say they didn't have enough money for a rescue mission. It wouldn't have given Tara anything, except for the knowledge that she didn't matter enough. She didn't need to know that. I have a minor grammatical point. "Then they chose to pretend it won't happen." Because this is a future tense statement, I would say it should be "wouldn't" not "won't."

Parting comments: This story is so well written. I enjoyed it a lot. You drew me in with your wonderful portraits of the characters, and you left me feeling so sad about what happened to Tara. At the same time, you left me happy that discovered and read your story. Thank you.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4743042

Review of High Hopes

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Legerdemain

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

I love the genre in which you have written this piece. Crime and gangster items are interesting, aren't they? Ever since 'The Godfather.' So I was interested to read this story. And you didn't disappoint. The two men, Merv and Hendon, work for Girado, a gangester who uses them as hitmen. It would appear he has been using them (Hendon, at least) for a long time. This is Hendon's 100th hit for Giordano. Merv is his partner in crime. However, Hendon has had enough. He's sick of all the headaches and stress of the job, and he wants to disappear. I was waiting to see where you would take the story. I suspected it was going to be bad news for Merv. And it was.

I like how you show the different characters in these two men. Hendon appears serious and more business-like. Merv, on the other hand, seems like a bit of a joker. He's also a talker, and that is what leads to his downfall. Poor Merv. He thought Hendon was his mate. And, maybe he was, at one time. But that time is not now.

I love how Merv suggests going with Hendon to his paradise destination in the sun (who couldn't use that right now?). You write, "'Maybe.' Hendon straightened and looked around." This nice show of body language gives your reader the first hint that Merv might be in trouble. That's nicely done. I did think, were I Hendon, I probably would have done the same thing. Merv seems like he had a big mouth. I could imagine him running it off in the wrong place.

Suggestions: It took me a little while to get lost in this story. I think it was probably more down to me than anything you did or didn't write. I just got a bit confused about who was saying what at the beginning.

Parting comments: This is an enjoyable story. I kind of pictured these men as a cross between Tony Soprano and one of the Blues Brothers. It made me smile.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

146

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#4742554

Review of Message in a Bottle

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Detective

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

Straight away, you launch into the intrigue of this story with Robert finding the bottle with a message inside and taking it home to read. I was hooked right there. I would have taken that bottle home, too. Who wouldn't love to find a message in a bottle washed up on the shore?

There were a few things that made me laugh in this. Firstly, Albert Tross as the message writer. Great name! Also, the part where Albert writes it is like being in an episode of Scoooby Doo made me chuckle. That doesn't sound so bad. They always win in the end, and, hey, I think spending time with that giant dog would be kind of cool.

Suggestions: In general, I didn't feel like this story is finished. You do a wonderful job with creating intrigue and mystery surrounding what terrible things are happening at Pine Marten Inn, but then you don't resolve any of it. I wondered if there had been a word count limit when you wrote it? I also have a few grammatical suggestions, and I have put them in a dropnote so you can read them at leisure, if you wish.
Grammar / Typo Suggestions ▼

Parting comments: This is an enjoyable, little story. I would love to read a longer version because I want to know who has been murdered, and why, and by whom. I could see this as one of those psychological thrillers where ten people go to the reunion, but only seven come home again. This is a great set-up for a longer story.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4742276

Review of Honouring James

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hi sindbad

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

Wow. This story is absolutely beautiful. It isn't only the people at the concert, or the social services workers, or even you, who is feeling teary-eyed by the end of it. I'm feeling quite emotional, myself. It's such a lovely story. James sounds like he was really good kid. His fingers must have been helped along by his mother's wings, and that helped to make them so light. I did have a question here. His mother said at the start of his lessons that she wanted to hear him play. But, she was deaf. How could she have known she would die the morning of his recital, so that she would be able to hear him play from Heaven?

I think it's great the way you learned from your student. You learned the importance of self-belief, and also of never giving up on the things which are important to us. You could so easily have given up on James. I'm sure there are other pupils you have encouraged to follow other pursuits in your time as a music, and piano, teacher.

I have to commend you on your portrayal of James. He shines in this story. He sounds like a lovely, caring boy. What I love the most about him is his lack of ability, but enthusiasm, nonetheless. This makes me want to reach out and protect him. Then, when he arrives at the recital, you say, " His clothes were wrinkled and his hair looked as though he had run an egg beater through it." That made me smile. It endears James to your readers even more . You really do a great job with James. This makes it all-the-more sad when we get to the end, and you say James was killed in the bombing of the Federal Building in Oklahoma City. That's so sad, especially as this story appears to be a true one.

Suggestions: I have a few suggestions, all of which are grammatical. "The night of the recital came and the high school gymnasium was packed ..." - There should be a comma after "came." Also, " ...the students had been practicing and it showed." - There should be a comma after "practicing." And, "I have never heard you play like that James ..." - There should be a comma before "James" as well as after. There are also a couple of places where you have missed the line space between paragraphs. I would just check those out.

Parting comments: I love how you say that James was not your progidy. Rather, you were his. He taught you a thing or two about how to live life and believe in yourself. That's such a lovely sentiment. It sounds like James left a lasting impression on you, and you have done a great job with telling us some of his story.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4741743

Review of Activities entries

for entry "Road Less Traveled On"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Angelica Weatherby- July 4th

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

The review is also written for Week 14 of "I Write in 2024"

.

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

This story shows how a grandma teaches her granddaughter about the things that are important in life. The older woman gives her granddaughter an insight into valuing herself for what is on the inside, and not her outer appearances. She teaches this by giving a short story about a woman who is described as ugly on the outside (personally, I would never describe anyone as ugly, and I think it is sad that the girl starts out by using it in relation to herself). This girl is shown as kind hearted and caring in the way that she stops to help a cow that is lost. Her friends all leave her with the cow and go off to party elsewhere. Some friends! But, this young woman has the last laugh because the cow's owner is rich and generous, and he bestows a heap of gold on her. This story persuades the granddaughter that she doesn't have to be the thinnest and prettiest person alive. But, instead, she is a good person inside, and that is what matters. That is a nice message.

I liked the way you use an allegory to put your message across. It works well. I liked the grandma, and I liked the relationship between her and her granddaughter. The younger girl seems to respect her grandma, and that is nice. I like how the girl goes on to do really well in her dance recital.

Suggestions: I thought the sudden detail of, "Then she went to peek at the stage." confused me at first. It came out of the blue with no mention of a stage or contest beforehand, so it seemed to come from nowhere. I didn't know what the stage was for. And, was it at her grandma's house? Because the girl got up from the meal table and took a peek at the stage. At the start of the story, you write, "' ... I need to stop eating,' Lily pondered." - Firstly, when using dialogue tags, it's usually best to stick to "said." But, also, "pondered" isn't a speech tag. You can't ponder a sentence to someone else. My last suggestion is: "Already she was feeling better already." You have two "already"s in this sentence. I would delete one.

Parting comments: Thanks for sharing your writing. I enjoyed this story.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#4741741

Review of Spices, Jerk, and Chili

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi StephBee

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Why I chose to review this item: This review is in celebration of your WDC account anniversary. These are some of the things I loved about this story:

Oh, my word. This story had me smiling and laughing the whole way through. It is lighthearted and feel-good, and it even has a couple of sweet romances thrown in, to boot. Your first sentence, where you describe the Pismo beach community as "snuggled up" against the California Coast is fantastic! Such a great description. So, right at the start, I was hooked. And I stayed that way until the very last word.

I adore Junior. He appears to be a man of few words, but a man who is just kicking back and enjoying life. Until he meets Suzie, his big love in life is chili. Derice, on the other hand, revolves his life around cooking the best jerk chicken known to man. All he wants is to make enough money to open a jerk restaurant, then to marry his sweetheart, Barbie. Derice and Junior open up a food van which, mostly, focusses on Derice's jerk chicken, but also allows for a little of Junior's chili on the side. When they entered the competition for the best restaurant, I kind of wanted Derice to win, but I was happy when Junior took the number one spot. Derice had been quite derogatory towards Junior on several occasions, and he always made out like the chili was inferior to his jerk. So it was satisfying to see Derice knocked off his perch for a while.

I thought your introduction of Suzie was perfect. Immediately, we learn that she loves chili, and our senses are thinking ahead because it has to be a sign for Junior. And then Suzie asks for seconds of the chili, and it's obvious she is his lobster.

The characters are well described from the beginning. When they start to speak, though, it is wonderful. You have written their accents into the words, and it makes them come alive. I could hear them and see them in their van and on the beach.

Suggestions: I have a few grammar / typo suggestions which I will put in a dropnote, so you may read them, or not, as you wish.
Grammar / Typo Suggestions ▼

Parting comments: I have enjoyed reading this story. It has made me happy and, also, hungry for chili.

Happy account anniversary!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

150

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4741729

Review of The Cutting Edge

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi StephBee

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Why I chose to review your item: I am reviewing this in celebration of your WDC account anniversary. These are the things I loved about your story:

Your writing style is really easy to fall inside. It is interesting and vivid, from the various ice dancing steps, to the feelings of attraction between Yuri and Alyssa. This makes your writing very enjoyable.

You do a fantastic job with sketching your characters. The way you show their feelings for one another, the instant attraction, is so nice to read. I love this couple, and I just know, if it were true, they would end up together with their own troupe of mini ice dancers. Oh, I have to mention Yuri's cobalt blue eyes. They sound delicious!

The action and plot of the story is told through ice dancing, and that is clever. You show the two dancers "duelling" and mimicking one another, getting progressively faster and more complicated, and it feels like that is the same for their feelings. Their racing heartbeats, eye contact throughout. The attraction is undeniable (although, both Russian and American coaches would have liked to deny it if they could). It feels almost forbidden, because of the different countries and the rivalry between the teams, but they don't care. I love how they decide they shouldn't deny themselves something that could be wonderful because of what other people think. A great lesson to be learned there.

Suggestions: I have a couple of grammatical suggestions. Firstly, "The Sochi Iceberg Skating Palace was a huge – a skater’s dream venue." - I would say to take out the "a" after "was." So switch it to the Palace "was huge - a skater's dream venue." The other ting I would change is: "When she didn’t come tonight, she would make a fool out of him." - You write this from Yuri's POV. In this sentence he is thinking about whether Alyssa will come to watch him and worrying about how he would be embarrassed if she didn't. So, I think it would work better to say, "If she didn't come." "When" makes it sound as though he is predicting the absolute future, like he 100% knows she won't be there.

Parting comments: This is a lovely romantic story. I don't think I've ever read a romance set on ice before. I enjoyed it very much.

Happy anniversary!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .