Choconut's (purplesunday) Reviews

Choconut

Review Requests: OFF

2,013 Public Reviews Given

2,032 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.

I'm good at...

I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.

Favorite Genres

Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.

Least Favorite Genres

Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.

Favorite Item Types

Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.

Least Favorite Item Types

Chapters from the middle of books.

51

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14 days may be credited.

#4744052

Review of Pick Me While I Am A Rose

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi Brenpoet

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

This poem is beautiful. That's the only word that describes it well enough. Everything about it is like music, like liquid chocolate. You write with a wonderful rhythm and rhyme, and you use words to describe both the rose and a person's changing features as they age. I love how you compare their ageing to the rose, the most beautiful and romantic of flowers. This poem reminded me of one of Shakespeare's sonnets. I can't remember which one. He writes, "Summer's lease hath all too short a date," and that is what this poem made me think of.

I love how sensual and seductive this poem is. "Summer's ruby crown" is such great imagery. This whole poem is one of vivid, visual imagery that excites the senses. Your use of the colour red also makes the poem romantic.

My favourite stanza is the third one. In this, you mention pollen, and you speak of it as though it is a magic spell that will entice your lover to you. But, also, it is what the birds and insects are drawn to in the flowers. I haven't explained that well. But it is my favourite part of the poem.

This is actually quite a sad poem. The narrator is asking her lover to come to her while she is young because, once she is no longer young, she will fade away. Her "Petals" will "die away." It makes me think of a dead rose head turning to dust, and the thought that a woman is groomed to think all her value lies in her looks is sad. But it is what we are taught.

Suggestions: There is one place where the rhythm doesn't seem quite right. The first line of the last stanza. "One day I will shed my gown," While you can make the rhythm fit once you have read it and figured out how it should sound, but when I first read it, it stood out, just a little, as not quite fitting. My other suggestion is to maybe write the form you have used somewhere on the page. Only because I'm curious, and I don't really know how to find out.

Parting comments: This poem is wonderful. You have a natural talent for writing rhyming poetry, and also for creating a great rhythm in your poetry. This poem is first class.

Choconut

My House Targaryen Sig. for Game of Thrones, 2024.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

52

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14 days may be credited.

#4743737

Review of It Happened One Night

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi AmyJo- only 2 steps behind -

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

Oh, dear. I decided to read and review this piece because I was intrigued by the brief description. I thought it said, "storage encounter" and I couldn't fathom what that might be

Of course, I see now it says "strange encounter" and that makes so much more sense! But, onto the story. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Your humour really appealed to me. When the narrator is first stranded, and she thinks of heading for an abandoned cabin she saw a little while ago, I thought maybe there might be something, or someone, unpleasant in the cabin. I also worried for the narrator when she fell asleep in the old rocking chair. I was sure something would happen to her. Which, of course, it did. But not something horrible. Something rather lovely.

This story really made me remember my precious dog, Alfie, who we lost last May. I have missed having a dog so much, but my hubby point blank refuses. But, this story reminded me of how funny they are, how loving. This part, in particular, made me yearn: "I felt a warm tongue on my hand." That made me smile. That has to be one of life's greatest pleasures.

This talking dog is clever in so many ways. He knew how to make the breakdown truck stop to help the narrator. He can talk. I mean, come on. That is so cool. I thought it would all be a dream, especially when the dog had disappeared when she awoke the second time. But he was real. He'd gone to get help.

Suggestions: Just a couple of things. Firstly, "Shaking my head, I just pet the dog's head." I would get rid of the two uses of "head" by saying, "I just pet the dog." Also, "without cloud in the sky." I would think it should be "without a cloud."

Parting comments: I have to admit, I'm envious of the person in this story. Okay, so her car gets stuck in a drift, and she has to "hoof" it to the cabin. But, just look at the wonderful rewards she receives for this: a walking, talking, genuinely real dog! Love it!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

53

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14 days may be credited.

#4743667

Review of Upstaged

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi GERVIC 🐉 WDC Dragon Vale

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked: The list is a long one!

Firstly, I love the partnership of Irene and Daphnie. The way their dynamic changes, and although Irene isn't happy about that, they adapt and grow into their new selves. This is true of Daphnie as well as Irene. Yes; Irene has to accept that Daphnie will attract as much attention as her. But Daphnie has to allow that to happen. She is naturally shy, and it can't be easy for her to accept such attention. But they do. They both change, and they both grow. I really like that.

I loved how surprised I was when the the sapphire sparks appeared in the latch of the case. I couldn't wait to read more and find out what was happening, and why. I didn't get it until some way into the story. I didn't get that Daphnie truly possessed magical powers. Until Irene acknowledged this. I thought maybe the box was magical. But, anyway, I loved the surprise I felt at the magic and at Daphnie.

There were lots of words and phrases that stood out to me as fantastic. These are just a few of them: "a raw, dissonant energy." This is describing the audience's reaction to Daphnie's magic. "Sapphire sparks danced off the brass latch ..." This is a very visual description, and I love it. "the audience's collective focus was a spotlight far stronger than the ones she commanded." This, too, makes me smile when I read it. " ...a torrent of color and energy ..." - This is probably my favourite. It's so imaginative, a really unique way of describing this.

Suggestions: I am being super picky now because I think the story is wonderful as it is, so it is hard to find anything for change. However, I did struggle to understand this: "Magic is order." Irene says this to try to make Daphnie control her magic, but I wasn't sure what it means.

Parting comments: This is a great story, Gervic. I enjoyed reading it a lot, and I am in awe of your power to use imagery in prose form. Love it.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

54

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14 days may be credited.

#4743352

Review of Carlie's Wish

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Chrys O'Shea

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

The central part of this story is a message that everyone is important and everyone has their part to play in any family or organisation. It is told through the eyes of Carlie, a cow who is somewhat restless in her position on the farmyard. She longs, more than anything, to have wings and to be able to fly. She is sure that is how she could be truly happy. She figures that she doesn't have an important part to play on the farm. She doesn't help settle the hens at night, she doesn't give allergy free milk like the goat does. She doesn't think she offers anything worthwhile. I felt so sorry for Carlie. She seems like a sweetheart. Once she gets her wings, magically one morning, she realises that she doesn't want to be constantly airbound. She wants to spend time with her friends and providing her special, extra rich milk for a sick child.

I love how this story would help to make children with less confidence feel good about themselves. It also teaches the lesson of being happy with who you are, and playing to your strengths. Another important message that I wish someone had told me when I was younger.

Suggestions: Just a minor point. I felt the end thought, where Carlie thinks how much more important she could be, was not necessary. It's almost like she still doesn't feel she is enough as she is, which goes against the rest of the story. I also have a few grammar suggestions. I will put them in a dropnote, so you can read them at leisure (or not).
Grammar Suggestions ▼

Parting comments: I really enjoyed this story. It is a fantastic way of building confidence in children who are shy or unconfident. Thanks for sharing.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

55

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14 days may be credited.

#4743062

Review of Dead End

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Joy

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

This mystery of what happened to Marge's grandfather is entertaining. It hooked me at the start, and it kept me drawn in so I could find out the truth about what happened. I have to confess, there was a horrible moment where I thought maybe her grandfather would end up in Marge's art exhibit. I was glad he didn't. Although, his fate still wasn't happy. I wondered, in the end, if Marge and Daryl told the truth about killing the old man out of love. It seemed very convenient.

I loved the way the investigator has a major crush of Marge, the accused. I'm sure this wasn't entirely professional of him. I suspect she probably wouldn't have been interested in him, though. I think he would probably have been too old for her. This line from the investigator brilliantly showcases his infatuation: "I took this case because of Marge's dreamy blue eyes and the sunlight flickering on her curls." This is while he is questioning her! All he can think about is how much he loves her.

I love this description that the investigator gives when he discovers that Marge had a hand in her grandfather's death: "My heart has lost its music like a violin out of tune." It's so melodramatic, so over-the-top, but also really likely that it's what this guy would have felt. That made me chuckle.

Suggestions: I got a little confused at the beginning. The story reads like an acocount from the investigator, and it starts by saying, "I look at Marge." So he is telling us what he observes, but then, things seem to switch to Marge's point of view. We see details of the policeman going to her office from her point of view. There is no reason she would have told the investigator those details. Unless I'm reading it wrong? That is possible.

Parting comments: I enjoyed reading your story. It has a great hook and a subtle twist at the end. I really liked this story.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

56

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14 days may be credited.

#4743057

Review of Jettison

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hi Legerdemain

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

There is so much to love about this story, from the excitement of the rocket hurtling into space, to the moving scenes of a couple and their son when the worst thing imaginable happens to them. I loved everything about this story. Additionally, I think this is the first story about space travel I've ever read. It's not in my usual genre choice. However, now I'm wondering why not.

This story kind of reminded me of the David Bowie song 'Space Oddity.' Tara was lost in her own capsule, floating miles above the Earth. I kept thinking of Major Tom as I read this. I thought you did a great job of making me feel anxious. From the beginning, I was apprehensive about whether Tara would make it home or not. That didn't stop me from hoping she could be all right. Even after her boss delivered the bad news, I wanted some miracle to happen. She took the news very well, I thought. She didn't seem scared at all. She just seemed sad that she would never see her husband and son again. I would have been terrified. Your little detail of Tara taking the tablet to sedate her once she was in the capsule was good.

The part where Tara's team get her ready for the jettison is really well written. The final salute is moving. I also loved the detail of the fat tear on her boss's cheek. I loved how Tara's throat was tight as she was leaving home. You really amped up the emotion in this story. It was easy to feel sad for Tara and her family. It is really beautiful writing.

Suggestions: This is a question, and maybe I misunderstood. I thought there were other people in the rocket with Tara. If that is the case, were they given escape capsules, also? Because I wouldn't have thought the rocket could carry a lot of them. I also wonder whether the boss would really say they didn't have enough money for a rescue mission. It wouldn't have given Tara anything, except for the knowledge that she didn't matter enough. She didn't need to know that. I have a minor grammatical point. "Then they chose to pretend it won't happen." Because this is a future tense statement, I would say it should be "wouldn't" not "won't."

Parting comments: This story is so well written. I enjoyed it a lot. You drew me in with your wonderful portraits of the characters, and you left me feeling so sad about what happened to Tara. At the same time, you left me happy that discovered and read your story. Thank you.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

57

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14 days may be credited.

#4743042

Review of High Hopes

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Legerdemain

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

I love the genre in which you have written this piece. Crime and gangster items are interesting, aren't they? Ever since 'The Godfather.' So I was interested to read this story. And you didn't disappoint. The two men, Merv and Hendon, work for Girado, a gangester who uses them as hitmen. It would appear he has been using them (Hendon, at least) for a long time. This is Hendon's 100th hit for Giordano. Merv is his partner in crime. However, Hendon has had enough. He's sick of all the headaches and stress of the job, and he wants to disappear. I was waiting to see where you would take the story. I suspected it was going to be bad news for Merv. And it was.

I like how you show the different characters in these two men. Hendon appears serious and more business-like. Merv, on the other hand, seems like a bit of a joker. He's also a talker, and that is what leads to his downfall. Poor Merv. He thought Hendon was his mate. And, maybe he was, at one time. But that time is not now.

I love how Merv suggests going with Hendon to his paradise destination in the sun (who couldn't use that right now?). You write, "'Maybe.' Hendon straightened and looked around." This nice show of body language gives your reader the first hint that Merv might be in trouble. That's nicely done. I did think, were I Hendon, I probably would have done the same thing. Merv seems like he had a big mouth. I could imagine him running it off in the wrong place.

Suggestions: It took me a little while to get lost in this story. I think it was probably more down to me than anything you did or didn't write. I just got a bit confused about who was saying what at the beginning.

Parting comments: This is an enjoyable story. I kind of pictured these men as a cross between Tony Soprano and one of the Blues Brothers. It made me smile.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

58

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14 days may be credited.

#4742554

Review of Message in a Bottle

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Detective

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

Straight away, you launch into the intrigue of this story with Robert finding the bottle with a message inside and taking it home to read. I was hooked right there. I would have taken that bottle home, too. Who wouldn't love to find a message in a bottle washed up on the shore?

There were a few things that made me laugh in this. Firstly, Albert Tross as the message writer. Great name! Also, the part where Albert writes it is like being in an episode of Scoooby Doo made me chuckle. That doesn't sound so bad. They always win in the end, and, hey, I think spending time with that giant dog would be kind of cool.

Suggestions: In general, I didn't feel like this story is finished. You do a wonderful job with creating intrigue and mystery surrounding what terrible things are happening at Pine Marten Inn, but then you don't resolve any of it. I wondered if there had been a word count limit when you wrote it? I also have a few grammatical suggestions, and I have put them in a dropnote so you can read them at leisure, if you wish.
Grammar / Typo Suggestions ▼

Parting comments: This is an enjoyable, little story. I would love to read a longer version because I want to know who has been murdered, and why, and by whom. I could see this as one of those psychological thrillers where ten people go to the reunion, but only seven come home again. This is a great set-up for a longer story.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

59

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14 days may be credited.

#4742276

Review of Honouring James

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hi sindbad

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

Wow. This story is absolutely beautiful. It isn't only the people at the concert, or the social services workers, or even you, who is feeling teary-eyed by the end of it. I'm feeling quite emotional, myself. It's such a lovely story. James sounds like he was really good kid. His fingers must have been helped along by his mother's wings, and that helped to make them so light. I did have a question here. His mother said at the start of his lessons that she wanted to hear him play. But, she was deaf. How could she have known she would die the morning of his recital, so that she would be able to hear him play from Heaven?

I think it's great the way you learned from your student. You learned the importance of self-belief, and also of never giving up on the things which are important to us. You could so easily have given up on James. I'm sure there are other pupils you have encouraged to follow other pursuits in your time as a music, and piano, teacher.

I have to commend you on your portrayal of James. He shines in this story. He sounds like a lovely, caring boy. What I love the most about him is his lack of ability, but enthusiasm, nonetheless. This makes me want to reach out and protect him. Then, when he arrives at the recital, you say, " His clothes were wrinkled and his hair looked as though he had run an egg beater through it." That made me smile. It endears James to your readers even more . You really do a great job with James. This makes it all-the-more sad when we get to the end, and you say James was killed in the bombing of the Federal Building in Oklahoma City. That's so sad, especially as this story appears to be a true one.

Suggestions: I have a few suggestions, all of which are grammatical. "The night of the recital came and the high school gymnasium was packed ..." - There should be a comma after "came." Also, " ...the students had been practicing and it showed." - There should be a comma after "practicing." And, "I have never heard you play like that James ..." - There should be a comma before "James" as well as after. There are also a couple of places where you have missed the line space between paragraphs. I would just check those out.

Parting comments: I love how you say that James was not your progidy. Rather, you were his. He taught you a thing or two about how to live life and believe in yourself. That's such a lovely sentiment. It sounds like James left a lasting impression on you, and you have done a great job with telling us some of his story.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

60

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14 days may be credited.

#4741743

Review of Activities entries

for entry "Road Less Traveled On"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Angelica- Happy Mothers Day!

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

The review is also written for Week 14 of "I Write in 2024"

.

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

This story shows how a grandma teaches her granddaughter about the things that are important in life. The older woman gives her granddaughter an insight into valuing herself for what is on the inside, and not her outer appearances. She teaches this by giving a short story about a woman who is described as ugly on the outside (personally, I would never describe anyone as ugly, and I think it is sad that the girl starts out by using it in relation to herself). This girl is shown as kind hearted and caring in the way that she stops to help a cow that is lost. Her friends all leave her with the cow and go off to party elsewhere. Some friends! But, this young woman has the last laugh because the cow's owner is rich and generous, and he bestows a heap of gold on her. This story persuades the granddaughter that she doesn't have to be the thinnest and prettiest person alive. But, instead, she is a good person inside, and that is what matters. That is a nice message.

I liked the way you use an allegory to put your message across. It works well. I liked the grandma, and I liked the relationship between her and her granddaughter. The younger girl seems to respect her grandma, and that is nice. I like how the girl goes on to do really well in her dance recital.

Suggestions: I thought the sudden detail of, "Then she went to peek at the stage." confused me at first. It came out of the blue with no mention of a stage or contest beforehand, so it seemed to come from nowhere. I didn't know what the stage was for. And, was it at her grandma's house? Because the girl got up from the meal table and took a peek at the stage. At the start of the story, you write, "' ... I need to stop eating,' Lily pondered." - Firstly, when using dialogue tags, it's usually best to stick to "said." But, also, "pondered" isn't a speech tag. You can't ponder a sentence to someone else. My last suggestion is: "Already she was feeling better already." You have two "already"s in this sentence. I would delete one.

Parting comments: Thanks for sharing your writing. I enjoyed this story.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

61

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14 days may be credited.

#4741741

Review of Spices, Jerk, and Chili

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi StephBee - GOT Survivor

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Why I chose to review this item: This review is in celebration of your WDC account anniversary. These are some of the things I loved about this story:

Oh, my word. This story had me smiling and laughing the whole way through. It is lighthearted and feel-good, and it even has a couple of sweet romances thrown in, to boot. Your first sentence, where you describe the Pismo beach community as "snuggled up" against the California Coast is fantastic! Such a great description. So, right at the start, I was hooked. And I stayed that way until the very last word.

I adore Junior. He appears to be a man of few words, but a man who is just kicking back and enjoying life. Until he meets Suzie, his big love in life is chili. Derice, on the other hand, revolves his life around cooking the best jerk chicken known to man. All he wants is to make enough money to open a jerk restaurant, then to marry his sweetheart, Barbie. Derice and Junior open up a food van which, mostly, focusses on Derice's jerk chicken, but also allows for a little of Junior's chili on the side. When they entered the competition for the best restaurant, I kind of wanted Derice to win, but I was happy when Junior took the number one spot. Derice had been quite derogatory towards Junior on several occasions, and he always made out like the chili was inferior to his jerk. So it was satisfying to see Derice knocked off his perch for a while.

I thought your introduction of Suzie was perfect. Immediately, we learn that she loves chili, and our senses are thinking ahead because it has to be a sign for Junior. And then Suzie asks for seconds of the chili, and it's obvious she is his lobster.

The characters are well described from the beginning. When they start to speak, though, it is wonderful. You have written their accents into the words, and it makes them come alive. I could hear them and see them in their van and on the beach.

Suggestions: I have a few grammar / typo suggestions which I will put in a dropnote, so you may read them, or not, as you wish.
Grammar / Typo Suggestions ▼

Parting comments: I have enjoyed reading this story. It has made me happy and, also, hungry for chili.

Happy account anniversary!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

62

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4741729

Review of The Cutting Edge

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi StephBee - GOT Survivor

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

Why I chose to review your item: I am reviewing this in celebration of your WDC account anniversary. These are the things I loved about your story:

Your writing style is really easy to fall inside. It is interesting and vivid, from the various ice dancing steps, to the feelings of attraction between Yuri and Alyssa. This makes your writing very enjoyable.

You do a fantastic job with sketching your characters. The way you show their feelings for one another, the instant attraction, is so nice to read. I love this couple, and I just know, if it were true, they would end up together with their own troupe of mini ice dancers. Oh, I have to mention Yuri's cobalt blue eyes. They sound delicious!

The action and plot of the story is told through ice dancing, and that is clever. You show the two dancers "duelling" and mimicking one another, getting progressively faster and more complicated, and it feels like that is the same for their feelings. Their racing heartbeats, eye contact throughout. The attraction is undeniable (although, both Russian and American coaches would have liked to deny it if they could). It feels almost forbidden, because of the different countries and the rivalry between the teams, but they don't care. I love how they decide they shouldn't deny themselves something that could be wonderful because of what other people think. A great lesson to be learned there.

Suggestions: I have a couple of grammatical suggestions. Firstly, "The Sochi Iceberg Skating Palace was a huge – a skater’s dream venue." - I would say to take out the "a" after "was." So switch it to the Palace "was huge - a skater's dream venue." The other ting I would change is: "When she didn’t come tonight, she would make a fool out of him." - You write this from Yuri's POV. In this sentence he is thinking about whether Alyssa will come to watch him and worrying about how he would be embarrassed if she didn't. So, I think it would work better to say, "If she didn't come." "When" makes it sound as though he is predicting the absolute future, like he 100% knows she won't be there.

Parting comments: This is a lovely romantic story. I don't think I've ever read a romance set on ice before. I enjoyed it very much.

Happy anniversary!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4741506

Review of Sara and Mort

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Prosperous Snow celebrating

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

The humour in this story appealed to me. I love the first line, where you show us Sara stepping out from a teleporter to find a purple llama waiting for her. The sign around the llama's neck is genius because it tells us right away what is happening. It is like Sara has just got off an aeroplane. And the llama is her greeter. Sent, thoughtfully, by her husband, Mort. It is fair to say you had me at "purple llama."

You slowly reveal each part of the story. So, firstly, we don't know why the purple llama. What kind of world is this story based in? And then, we meet Mort and learn that he and Sara live in some futuristic world, on some faraway planet. This is confirmed with their living quarters having been upgraded due to Mort's work promotion. And then, we learn where Sara has just returned from — Earth — and what she has brought back with her: her aunt's shoe and antique clothing and jewellery collection. The old shoe had me laughing. That's so random. The kicker is her aunt has stipulated they must give the collection to their oldest child, and they don't intend to ever have children. So they must keep it forever. That is so funny.

The ice cream with a pickle in the middle of it made me laugh out loud. Just in case Sara wanted to get pregnant, Mort had left this treat for her. I assumed, maybe, people will eat ice cream with pickles in the future. But, no. Mort thinks that having this odd combination, that pregnant women have been known to desire, it would either make Sara want to get pregnant, or even aid in that happening. Typical man. Not a clue! It's encouraging to know that that won't change in the future.

Suggestions: My suggestions are all grammatical. "'Where are you going, Sara,' came Mort’s voice ..." - You need a question mark at the end of Mort's question, not a comma. Also, "There is now,” he grinded ..." Firstly, did you mean "grinded"? Because that word doesn't make sense, to me. Also, it's generally better to use "said" when writing dialogue tags. Then, "A purple llama was the last creature; Sara expected to see as ..." The semicolon is not needed here. Lastly, "'Mort,' she said as he came into the room and sit down beside her." It should be "sat" not "sit" because it is in the past tense.

Parting comments: I loved this story! It is very entertaining, very funny!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4741493

Review of Divided by Miles (A Lost Love Poem)

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi MCrewDude

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

The joyful feeling of love is clear from the very start of this poem. I love how it sounds almost like it is going to be a fantasy-style poem. I felt like kings and knights wouldn't have been amiss in there. I think I imagined that because of your writing, "He from east and she from west," along with the mention of a map. (Perhaps it also has something to do with the fact that I'm taking part in "Game of Thrones"

at the moment.)

The physical distance is tough. I'm from the UK, and so to say that the distance between east and west is too large wouldn't be the same as in the U.S. I can relate, though, because my husband is American, and lived in Tucson, AZ, and I lived in the south west of England, when we met.

The relationship between you and your friend is beautifully expressed. It is enhanced by the smooth delivery of each line. You have used an aabb, ccdd, etc. rhyme scheme, and this gives the poem a great fluidity. It flows off the tongue, and I love it when that happens.

My favourite line is this: "To stand beside you under the Mojave sky." This creates such a lovely visual. I also love your parting line of, "For in each other’s hearts, we found a special place." I think most people will understand how it feels to find that person with whom they can be completely at peace.

Suggestions: I have a couple of minor grammar suggestions. "We grew close heart to heart." You need a comma after "close" because it doesn't read right without one. Also, "Sharing dreams, hopes, and the deepest fears." I think this line is a bit out of step with the overall rhythm of the poem. I would say you could fix it by either taking out "the" or by adding "of" between "deepest" and "fears." Lastly, I have a question, and please, tell me to mind my own business if you want. Have the two of you ever met in person? I'm fascinated to know. Your love story has captured my imagination.

Parting comments: This poem appealed to me greatly. I always admire people who can write lovingly about their loved ones. I find it incredibly difficult. You have written a beautiful poem, though.

Choconut

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#4741155

Review of The Dark Cathedral

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi Fairport

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

I was drawn to the title in your poem. It sounds kind of spooky and definitely dark. Exactly the sort of poem I like to read. As I started to read the first verse, the natural rhythm began to build up. The abcb, defe, etc. rhyme scheme helps give a wonderful rhythm, and this, in turn, makes the poem read fluidly and smoothly.

You have some internal rhymes, like the S sound in this line: "Its keeper’s heart holds strong delight," that make the poem an even richer experience for your readers. It sounds really good. When read aloud, in particular, it is very pleasing.

I love the gothic feeling you have created through the lines. From the darkness that is darker than anything else, we are told of the souls who come to die in the cathedral grounds. Then, the second verse begins with, "On winds their maddening screams arrive." This place, rather than being the spiritual, calming cathedral one would like, is actually more of a place where tortured souls finally get to die. This idea of pain and suffering is the opposite of what we expect a cathedral to be. I love how you have turned that expectation on its head.

Suggestions: I've read this through a couple of times now, and the last verse doesn't feel quite right in its rhythm. I'm sure you have the right number of syllables per line, but I think the stresses must be a little off. In the first line of the fourth verse the word "that" is the one that is wrong. When you compare this line, "Far beyond all that is good," to its counterpart in the first verse, I think you will see what I'm talking about: "Far beyond the given light." As I said, "that" isn't quite right.

Parting comments: This is a great poem. I've read through a few of yours before writing this review, and I have to say, you're very talented.

Happy Account Anniversary!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4741133

Review of Beginnings

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Jacky

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

What I loved the most about this flash fiction is how easy the narrative is. I can almost hear the three people interacting with one another. Their voices are clear and likeable. I like how there is humour within their words, inside the story. I can imagine the three people smiling and laughing as they chat. In fact, I did wonder whether this is based on a personal experience of yours? The characters come across as being authentic and real. That's why I wondered whether they are.

I love the way Grampa and Gramma play in their interaction. This is clearly a story they have told before, and their delight in telling it again now is obvious. The joke about what was actually said when Grampa phoned to ask his future wife's friend if she thought he was in with a chance with Barbara, is great. The two grandparents tell the story between them, one interrupting the other as they go. It really is a lovely relationship, and it shines in this story.

You have chosen the perfect title for this flash fiction. "Beginnings" really is about the beginning of this relationship, which has now been a thing for many, many years. Because of the way you show the light teasing of Barbara to her husband, it almost feels as though the relationship is new. It's fresh.

Suggestions: I have a couple of punctuation suggestions. "Why don’t you tell her about it, you were there." - As this is a question, there should be a question mark at the end of it. I would change it to: "Why don’t you tell her about it? You were there." Also, there is this that I would change: "I called and asked Barbara if she thought her friend would go out with me, apparently, Gram ..." - I would place a period after "me" instead of a comma. Then start the next sentence with "Apparently, Gram ..."

Parting comments: This is a lovely flash fiction about a relationship that is loving and playful, even after all these years. I really enjoyed this.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4741073

Review of Unexpected Gift

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi IdaLin

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

This is a lovely tale of love through the years. It's a great premise for a story. A woman receives a gift in the mail. It was sent almost fifty years previously. A diamond ring from the man who hoped to gain her hand in marriage. It really tugged at my heartstrings. I felt so sorry for Miriam when I learned that Jonathan died under enemy fire in Vietnam. So he never got to propose properly, and Miriam never got her second change at love. I know she said she wouldn't marry anyone else, but I have a feeling Jonathan might have changed her mind.

The direction you took with the story prompts is fantastic. They are four seemingly unrelated items, but you have woven them together seamlessly. They fit really well and complement one another. My favourite is the orange tabby cat, Liza. You sketched this cat really well. By showing her around Miriam's feet, and then jumping up onto the counter and wagging her tail, you make her come alive.

I must say you create a good deal of suspense and intrigue. Seeing Miriam unsure about opening the gift, then deciding to go for it, and then the letter falling out, you really do keep your readers on a hook, waiting to find out what the gift is and who it is from. I wondered, at one point, if the gift would explode.

Suggestions: I wasn't sure about why Elizabeth, Miriam's neighbour, disliked Liza the cat so much. She kind of scowls at her and watches her while she's climbing the stairs. At first, I thought Liza would turn out to be evil, or even an evil person inside her cat's body. But she wasn't. Which I was happy about. But I just didn't understand why the tension. It isn't explained further at any point, so I wondered whether it was necessary.

Parting comments: This is a lovely, little story that was a pleasure to read. Great characters in Miriam and Liza, and I was so happy with the ending. Even though it was sad. also. But it's really well written.

Happy WDC Account Anniversary!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4741032

Review of Fur Babies C-Notes - Dogs

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Gaby ~ Counting GoT Numbers

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

This cNote shop is in my favourites, and I've used it more than once before. I was initially drawn to the promise of pictures of dogs. I could spend hours flicking through cute puppy pictures. I have to say, this shop does not disappoint. There are pictures galore! All of them super cute.

I think you've done a great job with providing pictures of a great variety of dog breeds. From collies, to retrievers, to fluffy teddy bear-type dogs, you have it all. I think the fluffy puppy is adorable. Is it some kind of designer dog, like a cockapoo, or something?

My favourite cNote is the first one with the close up of a dog's nose and the words, "What's shakin', Bacon?" That's so funny. This could so easily have been my old dog, Jake. His nose and muzzle looked similar to this. Plus, he was a gannet who ate everything in sight if it wasn't pinned down! One Christmas, he ate an entire bar of the family sized Whole Nut chocolate. We'd figured it was safe while we were out because it hadn't even been unwrapped. But, no. He ate it. And licked the paper clean! How he didn't get ill, I don't know.

I also want to mention the cNote of the golden retriever swimming with the words "Just keep swimming." That cNote is perfect in every way. The picture is great. That dog looks like he is swimming for his country. I love the splash of purple in the background. (I'm aways going to love purple.) I really like the words, both for their message and for how well they fit the picture. I've sent this cNote to friends a few times because I like it so much.

One more thing I love: The picture of a bunch of dogs together with the caption, "Because cats are mean" is very funny.

Suggestions: I've been trying to think of some suggestions, but I'm coming up short, I'm afraid. You have a great selection of pictures and messages. There is a lot of humour in your captions, and anyone who loves dogs will find them funny. Actually, the only thing I could suggest is that maybe switch out "community" from the genres of the shop for "humour." You don't need to say they are community based because, by definition, they are community notes. That's a minor detail, though.

Parting comments: I love this cNote shop. I am keeping it in my favourites, and I will be using it again, for sure.

Choconut

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#4740689

Review of Keep Life Simple

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Lone Cypress Workshop

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked: I was drawn to your title and brief description. I was intrigued by your saying that life is complicated, but we can fix this by looking at ourselves.

I am always one for self-reflection, indeed, I've spent a lot of time looking at my reactions to various incidents and trying to figure out how I could have had a better reaction. But, what I was interested to read in your essay, is how firmly you state that philosophy and our own minds are the most effective weapons we possess. I love how you start the essay by acknowledging that life is complicated. But we need to figure out what we can do to make things better, what we have power over. Our minds are the answer.

You write about your beliefs that philosophy should be a compulsory fourth subject in schools. I agree that children need to be able to think for themselves. This changes over the years. Firstly, to listen to themselves when a stranger asks them to get into their car. As time goes on, to be able to stand up for themselves. Then to consider which politicians are less crooked.

How do you define philosophy? If it were taught in schools, how would that take shape? This is an interesting subject. Does it have to begin with age-old philosophers, or is it a constantly changing subject? I never learned anything like this at school. But I did have to lead a debate team once, and it made me research and philosophise a lot more than I ever had before.

Suggestions: Playing devil's advocate ... I understand what you are saying about the importance of philosophy. You say we should learn to analyse people of power, politicians, for example. So that we can know the truth. My question is: Is that enough? Surely, to philosophise and understand how messed up the system is, is all very well. But if we then do nothing about our knowledge, what good is it?

Parting comments: This is a very empowering essay. It makes me think that we could change the world. It reminds me how important it is to trust myself, but only after first questioning myself. I enjoyed reading this. Thank you.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4740685

Review of God Says "Goodnight"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked: I was drawn to this poem by your title and brief description.

Your descriptions of colours in this poem about a beautiful sunset are creative and unique. A sunset is largely about the colours, when anyone tries to describe one, but you have used those colours in a fresh way. For example, "When salmon splashes coral streaks." Wow. That is so beautiful. Who can't imagine the picture you are painting? Similarly, "When bloom carnations in the clouds ..." I can honestly say I've never heard that description before. But what a fantastic way to capture the image.

I really like how you bring both of the verses to a close with saying you "hear God wish us all 'Goodnight'" which works as a reminder that He has created the beauty of sunsets for all of us to enjoy. In the first verse, you reflect on how Jesus died to help keep us from fear. You write, "I see in sacrifice the love / which drives away the shadows’ fright" I like this, firstly, because it is a comforting thing to remember, and secondly, because of the use of shadows and light as a juxtaposition. In the second verse, I like the image of "weary souls" breathing "restful sighs." This is another warm and comforting thought. It makes me think of those lazy times when summer is just around the corner, and we sit outside watching the sun as it slowly sets.

Your form of Iambic Tetrameter is first class. I've counted the syllables and the stresses, and it works the whole way through. Personally, I struggle with writing any strict forms, so I always appreciate it when I read poems that are well-written, as well as making me feel something.

Suggestions: My only suggestion is to say, "Write more," because you clearly have a talent for creating beautiful imagery. I could find no faults with your poem.

Parting comments: I absolutely loved reading this poem. Thank you.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4740666

Review of Tinkering Dreams

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi SP is Muddling through

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked: Oh, so much of this story! These are some of my favourite points:

Your writing style. There is something, almost, familiar about it, and I quickly relaxed into your writing and the story. You describe the contraptions, automata, that this boy makes. He had previously been working in the factory but is fired for something that wasn't his fault. But, wait. He's been busy making these cool inventions.

On his way to the poor house, he encounters Ashe, an orphaned girl who has clearly learned how to take care of herself. Your name for the street she lives on is 'Knickers' Way' which, I think, speaks volumes about the girl and her occupation. I held my breath while Harold was at this location. I kept thinking someone would attack him and steal his contraptions. But they didn't. I worried needlessly.

The language you use is carefully chosen, and that really appeals to me. For example, the word 'tifter,' as used a couple of times by Ashe, is an interesting one. I had to look it up to find its meaning, but when I did, I could see how perfect a choice it was. I also love how you describe Ashe as 'caterwauling.' That's exactly what she would have done. It's another perfect word choice.

I love how you both begin and end this story with the acknowledgment that being fired from the factory might have been the best thing that ever happened to Harold. This made me smile. The story comes full circle, and Harold is shown to be okay.

Suggestions: The end, when it came, seemed to happen really quickly. I guess it's kind of the same for the beginning. The incident that propels Harold into the world of his creations and making money at the funfair is over quickly. And the end, when Harold determines he will go to the fair, is soon over. It's like the main part of the story is Harold and the fair. But we don't actually see it. This is a very picky point.

A minor punctuation issue. "'Whom was it who gave you permission to dilly dally?' The Barron asked." It should be a small t in "the Baron." Whenever you have a speech tag of any kind, unlesss you are giving a person's name, it should be a small letter after the ending speech mark. Also, in this sentence, it should be "Who" not "Whom."

Parting comments: I loved this story. I really enjoy your style. It is one I could happily read more often. Thank you.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4740660

Review of The Guiding Light

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi zola

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

You have a real talent for writing descriptively. This isn't simply a short story about the meeting of two people for the first time. It is an exercise in placing your readers inside a setting of your creation. I could feel the cool night air, see the streetlights flickering, feel the darkness of the winter's night. I was there. Great writing!

You had me from the first sentence. The mention of a meeting that will change Alex's life forever, and the question of whether fate will be involved, is a great teaser. It sounds very magical, or mystical. I had to read on to discover what the meeting would involve.

I thought the character of Mark was like a Jesus character, in that he was preaching to his disciple (Alex). He saved Alex, also. You describe him as Alex's "guiding light" which also made Mark feel religious. You may have written Mark like this on purpose, or maybe it is a coincidence. I'm not sure.

There are so many phrasings of yours that I love. " ...shadows danced with the flickering glow of streetlights ..." This creates a beautiful image in my head. You have used it in the first sentence, and it grabs my attention. I also love this description: "Their conversation unfolded like a symphony of revelation." That is so good. I've not read a description like that before.

Suggestions: If I'm honest, I didn't completely see what Mark offered. I think you lost me when you started to discuss mathematics. Personally, I didn't feel that this offered anything to the story. Mark is portrayed as someone influential and charismatic, and that is how I felt about him, until he started to talk about whole numbers and integers. This precision seemed in conflict with his infinite wisdom.

I did spot one typo. In the first sentence, you wrote, "In the labyrinthine streets of the city ..." It should either be "labyrinth" or "labyrinthine."

Parting comments: You have a great talent for creating visual and immersive prose. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

73

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#4740652

Review of The Trial

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hi Richard Allen

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

The story. I loved the plot. There s a lot going on in this short story. Am I right in thinking it is the first chapter of a longer piece? I am interested to know where you will take this.

I have a lot of questions whirring around my mind. Like, who is the defendant who is kidnapped (saved?) and why are there forces intent on taking him away from the courtroom? Also, why did they need to kill countless numbers of security staff, along with using explosives in neighbouring shops and buildings? That's quite extreme.

While having these questions, I like how you haven't explained too much, You have hinted to the corrupt officials, which will get your reader wanting to know more about that. It's always good to whet your readers' interest this way. The way you describe the bad guys as "beings" interests me. That makes them sound as though they are some kind of alien force. I'm not sure whether that is right or not? But it intrigued me, nonetheless.

Suggestions: Firstly, it would be easier to read this is you spaced out your paragraphs. Having everything bunched together like this makes the text appear dense and hard-going. It would be more appealing to more people if you separated paragraphs. My main suggestion, though, is to use some kind of grammar programme. There are numerous punctuation issues and typos, and that added to the difficulty in reading this. (It wasn't too difficult, I want to add. I did still enjoy it, but I was thrown by the incorrect punctuation a number of times.) I have put some of those instances in a dropnote for your ease.
Grammar Issues/Typos ▼

Just, generally, I would say to explain who people are a bit more clearly. I was confused between Jon and the CO. I don't know where they are from. Who is Monique? Is she good or bad? Keep clear who is speaking, and whose point of view we are seeing the events through. Also, try to make the action less passive. For example, you say that "an arm flew off of his body." I had to re-read a few times to figure out whose body because it reads as though it is Jon's, but you don't show any emotion or pain It would be easier to connect with the characters if we had some emotion.

Parting comments: This is a good story. You have some interesting events taking place, and with the characters, I'm unsure as to who I can trust. Which is a good thing. I just think you need to use a simple grammar programme on your work. That would make the reading experience easier.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4740448

Review of Lin and Rosie

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi tracker

,

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

I am reviewing your short story, "Lin and Rosie"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked: I was drawn to this story by the title and brief description. I was interested to read about this friendship and to see where it had gone wrong. I wasn't expecting the story I found. It was different, and in a good way. This is a tale of unrequited love, between Lin and hew new friend, Rosie. Lin seems like a nice person who was, maybe, a bit vulnerable and preyed on by Rosie.

I love how you gradually show your readers how Lin has spent a lot of money buying Rosie the things she wanted. I wanted to shake Lin and shout at her to stop spending her money on Rosie. She obviously was taking advantage of Lin, of her generosity. You did a great job with making me dislike Rosie and feel sorry for Lin. The way Rosie kept using words like "sweetheart" and "honey" really showed how much she manipulated Lin.

I wondered why Lin had broken contact with Rosie. I thought, perhaps, it was because she'd finally seen through her. But, no. Unfortunately, Lin was in love with Rosie (though why, I can't imagine). She couldn't bear to just be her friend, but believes she could never be anything more.

Suggestions: I wasn't sure that Lin would have written to Rosie. Why block all contact with her, then contact her via a letter? It's like Lin was hoping Rosie would contact her outside of their social medias / mobile phones. It just felt a bit odd, to me.

I also have a grammar suggestion. "Her thoughts fantasized what how she would love her." A couple of things. Firstly, "what how" is a typo. I think you need to delete "what." Also, it reads a little odd to say her "thoughts fantasized" because thoughts can't fatasise. It is not the thoughts doing the fantasising. Maybe, if you said, "In her thoughts, she fantasised ..."

The other place would look at is the part where Rosie says a friend of a friend hit on her. It was a bit hard to follow as you jump back and forth between times (a few weeks ago to last week). Also, it confused me because you have Rosie and Lin talking within a memory and also with Lin in the present tense. I like what you are doing here, I just think it needs to be clarified somewhat.

Parting Comments: I am leaving this story with a hope that Lin doesn't connect with Rosie again. Because you can be sure Rosie will contact her when she needs something, a new pair of shoes, or whatever. You've left a strong impression on me. I think I will be thinking of these characters all day.

Happy account anniversary!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

75

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4740087

Review of Diamonds, Pearls and Tea

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi L.A.Saxe

,

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

I am reviewing your piece of flash fiction, "Diamonds, Pearls and Tea"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember all opinions are solely my own, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked: Everything! Every single thing about this short piece of fiction appealed to me. I wasn't sure what to expect when I started reading, but within the first couple of sentences, I was hooked.

I love the way Dotty and her friends keep distracting Inspector Bin and taking his concentration away from the reason he is there. I was wondering where he was heading with the "blue—" that keep getting cut off. It became obvious pretty quickly that these ladies had committed some kind of crime. I thought that would be the reveal at the end, the fact that these older ladies were the criminals, and when that reveal came, I patted myself on the back. But then, when the real twist came, I laughed out loud. I love that the old ladies were really bluebirds, disguised as ladies. That was a stroke of genius. Their unmasking of themselves is perfection.

Suggestions: This is more of a question than a suggestion. I just wondered what made Detective Bin call on the ladies to ask questions? Were they in close proximity to the jewellery store? Or did he have a tip off that they might know something? If that's the case, I thought he would have paid closer attention. Even if he didn't have a tip off about them, he was pretty dire as a detective. It was obvious to me they were hiding something straight away. Even if I didn't guess the fact that they were all giant birds in human costumes!

Parting Comments: This is a very enjoyable flash fiction. The twist is fantastic, and I don't think anyone will guess it when they read this. It's so clever. And very, very funny.

Happy account anniversary!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .