Hi Anna Marie Carlson
I am reviewing your short story, "The Abandoned Desk" , as one of the judges for August's official contest, "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering, and good luck!
This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.
My first thoughts: I like the values you show as being important in this story. Love, patience, and not judging other people. I like those values. I also really like the desk, and at the end, when it was being left alone, I actually felt really sad for it. But, it all turned out well in the end.
Plot: There are two main plots in this story: the story of the magical desk that is able to talk to people and to make good things happen for them, being the first. Secondly, the story of Harmony's and Melody's parents abandoning them and then coming back into their lives. I am glad that things worked out well for the girls eventually. If I'm honest, I found it a bit hard to follow at times. For example, Melody asks Cynthia to find out where Harmony's mother is now. She does this, and her circumstances are explained a little. Then, Melody is speaking as though it were her mother who was found. "She suffered from anxiety and depression. Being a teenager, Melody didn't understand why she had been abandoned." The first sentence is about Harmony; the second sentence is about Melody. They follow on from one another in the same paragraph. I would start a new paragraph for the second sentence because it's confusing. Another confusing plot point is when Harmony's parents are killed. At least, I assume they are killed, but you don't actually say that. One moment, Harmony and Melody are living with them and happy, then, "Being witnesses to a crime, Melody's parents were targeted." And, suddenly, both girls are living with Melody's parents. I had to re-read this part over and over to understand what was happening.
I also want to mention how surprised I was to meet Harmony's dad about half way through the story. He hadn't been mentioned before; it was always just Harmony's mum. Then, suddenly, she has a dad who is living with them and (presumably) always has done. He just kind of appears from nowhere, though.
Characters: I love the connection between Harmony and Melody. I liked the names you created. They made me smile. The desk is a great character. Very endearing. The story feels magical, with the desk that feels the pain of humans and helps them to feel better. One thing I wondered: Why did the desk not speak to Cynthia?
Grammar: Just a couple of suggestions. I have put them in this dropnote:
Grammar/Spelling/Typos ▼
"Whenever a person wanted a comfortable to be, this desk was recommended the most." - I wasn't sure what this meant. I wondered if you meant, "Whenever a person wanted to be comfortable"?
"Sounds like you need a caring object to reach out to ". "I'm all ears." - You don't need two speech marks here. Also, the period is outside of the first speech mark.
"She was afraid someone would do dome harm to her." I'm not sure what "dome" means here. Maybe, it's a typo?
"Melody was more than py to arrange a meeting for them. - I think you mean "happy" here?
What I liked: The talking, feeling, breathing desk is a great idea. I loved how the girls restored it at the end. It must have been a very happy desk. I love how much you made me feel for a desk! I was keen to know what would happen to Harmony and Melody by the end of the story. I hoped they would end up okay. I thought, at first, they went to live with Melody's parents. But they are both dead, so I assume the girls were adopted together. Which is lovely.
Suggestions: I have three main suggestions. One: to write in a more direct, less passive voice. The whole story is told, stating facts and things that have happened. But we don't see the story as though we are there. A lot of things are glossed over, and you don't dig deeply, you don't give us any big feelings. Which can mean we feel somewhat detached from the story. Two: You have packed a lot in, and it all gets a little confusing because, I think, you're telling it as you see it in your head. But, your readers can't see inside your head. Which leaves us trying to catch up a lot. More descriptions and thoughts and feelings would help us to see what's happening. Three: Character names. It really bogs the reader down to call each character by their full name each time they are mentioned. And they all have three names. You don't need to do this. We know who they are after a couple of mentions.
One more thing I wasn't sure about: the narrator intrusion at the end. The penultimate paragraph sounds like your voice, Anna Marie Carlson , and it isn't quite in keeping with the rest of the story where an omniscient narrator tells the story. But, here, you speak directly to your readers, as you, not the narrator, and it threw me a little.
I enjoyed reading your entry. I like the way your imagination works. Thanks, again, for entering.
Choconut
|