Choconut's (purplesunday) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

2,186 Public Reviews Given

2,205 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.

I'm good at...

I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.

Favorite Genres

Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.

Least Favorite Genres

Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.

Favorite Item Types

Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.

Least Favorite Item Types

Chapters from the middle of books.

201

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14 days may be credited.

#4698747

Review of The King's Man

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi LightinMind

,

I am reviewing your short story, "The King's Man"

, as one of the judges for April's official contest, "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"

. Thanks for entering, and good luck!

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: Oh, my goodness. I loved the mystery in this story. You have nailed it. You've left me longing to know who this guy is and how he has been the same age for over 100 years. Brilliant!

Plot: This story resonates, firstly, because I just watched the King Charles' coronation yesterday, so he and Queen Camilla are a hot topic at the moment. (In this country, anyway.) If I'm honest, it took me a little while to get stuck into the story. I understand why you wrote it this way, but it felt like there was quite a lot of Peter and Joe standing around trying to identify people. Of course, I think that is a part of their job, so probably their area of interest. Once the man in the turban is mentioned, the story picked up a lot. At first, I thought maybe he was going to attack the King. When he whispered in the King's ear, I really wanted to know what he said. I love how the lads go back to work and run the man's face through facial recognition technology to discover his identity. Then, they find pictures of the exact-same man going to to Queen Victoria's jubilee in 1897. And, you tease your reader by not revealing his identity or purpose.

Characters: The man in the turban. What a fantastic character. Essentially, we know nothing about him. Yet, we are drawn to him. He is very much the star of this story. You have done a great job of writing this character.

Grammar: Just one typo. I have put it in this dropnote:
Grammar/Spelling/Typos ▼

What I liked: The mystery. That enigmatic man in the turban. Who is he? You really piqued my interest in him. I love the ending, where the two guys are suspended for a week, and the reason is too dangerous for them to know. It had to end like that, really. But, still, I really want know who the man is!

Suggestions: I got a little confused in the paragraph that begins, "Peter noticed the foreign secretary, James Cleverly ..." I wasn't sure, at first, who was shouting and who was taking a picture. I had to read it a couple of times. I actually don't think you need this paragraph. I appreciate you are creating the story backdrop, but I don't think I gained anything by knowing that James Cleverly, an atheist, was there.

I enjoyed reading your entry. Thanks, again, for entering.

Choconut

Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

202

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14 days may be credited.

#4698745

Review of Detectives

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi THANKFUL SONALI Magical Days!

,

I am reviewing your short story, "Detectives"

, as one of the judges for April's official contest, "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"

. Thanks for entering, and good luck!

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I absolutely adored this story. I loved the gang of children you put together to solve this mystery. And I loved the answer to the mystery of what would give the mother the perfect birthday present. I smiled all the way through reading this.

Plot: A gang of children, led by fourteen-year-old Jim, have set up a detective agency. Jim is a little miffed because his younger sister Maryann is part of the agency. But he soon realises how much fun it is to be the oldest , and therefore, the person in charge. The detective agency faces its first mystery in the shape of Jim and Maryann's mum. Her birthday is fast approaching, and their father has no idea what to get her for the perfect present. So he tasks the children with finding out. He works with them to find an answer. He doesn't find out until his wife's birthday party that all she wanted was for him to spend more time with the children. Priceless! What a lovely ending to the story. The story had a great sense of love and happiness running all the way through it. I don't think I stopped smiling once.

Characters: Jim is my favourite. You have done a great job of creating a teenager who just wants to make a name for himself, on his own. Not with his little sister and friends in tow. I could sense his frustration. But he makes the best of every situation. I like that. You have featured each of the friends, giving them each the spotlight for a second. That's nicely written.

Grammar: Just a couple of suggestions. I have put them in this dropnote:
Grammar/Spelling/Typos ▼

What I liked: So much! The whole story, really. I love the joy and fun you have written into this story. It reminded me a little of reading Enid Blyton's 'Famous Five' stories as a child with my mum. Happy memories, so I thank you for that. I laughed out loud at this: "all of them now had the words right and everyone except Robert had even mastered the tune." As soon as I read that, I knew I would love the story. I also love how you say the children fell on the cookies "like a pack of puppies." That's brilliant.

I enjoyed reading your entry. Thanks, again, for entering.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

203

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14 days may be credited.

#4680127

Review of Newbie's Delight

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi AmyJo-Downhill slide begins!

Thank you for entering your poem into "Fox's Socks Newbie Poetry Contest"

. I am Choconut, one of the contest judges for the October round.

I am reviewing your poem, "Newbie's Delight"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Oh, I love this poem. It put a huge smile on my face right at the beginning, and I kept smiling the whole way through. It looks fantastic, as well, with the addition of emoticons. Really eye-catching.

Voice/Tone: The tone is light and fun, while staying appreciative of this website and the people who participate in making it special. Your opening verse about dust bunnies on your computer really made me chuckle. I have a few of those, I'm not gonna lie. In fact the whole poem is relatable. I've had a few late nights because of things like auction watching and too many contests to enter.

Mechanics:I only have a couple of suggestions here. Firstly, I think the overall flow is good. It's easy to read and is mostly spot on. The only place I wasn't entirely sure is the rhyme scheme, specifically at the beginning. From the third verse on, the rhyme scheme is abcb. This works really nicely. However, the first two verses confused me a little. Your first verse is abac, and the second is abab. I know, it's not a big deal because you haven't stated any specific form or rhyme for the poem. But, for me, I launched into reading it in a different way to how I ended it. The only other place I would suggest you look at is the fourth verse. These two lines are a little bumpy in their meter: "Emoticons, Awardicons, / Merit Badges galore" I know, again, you haven't claimed this poem is any specific, set meter, but these stand out as being slightly different to the rest of the poem. (I understand why you included those words, though, because the items are important to WDC.)

My Favourite Part: I love the way the whole poem makes me feel. I still have that smile on my face. My favourite lines are the last two: "You'll never be in the dark / if writing is your sphere" That is clever. I really like it. I also think the verse about the community on here is lovely. It made me feel proud to be a part of it.

Thanks for your entry, AmyJo, and good luck in the contest!

Keep writing!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#4680125

Review of Frontlines

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi DestinyAwaitsDarling

Thank you for entering your poem into "Fox's Socks Newbie Poetry Contest"

. I am Choconut, one of the contest judges for the October round.

I am reviewing your poem, "Frontlines"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This poem is packed with emotion. In some ways, the narrator sounds tired and sick of always being the person who suffers. But, also, they sound bitter and angry. From reading between the lines, these feelings are there with good reason.

Voice/Tone: As I mention above, there are a few emotions in the narrator's voice (I assume this is your voice. So I will say that from now on. I apologise if I've got it wrong.) The overriding feeling, though, is one of betrayal and anger towards those who have treated you badly. This is reflected in your choice of words. For example, "The only time I am first / is when there must be a sacrifice." The sense of injustice is keenly felt.

Mechanics: I really enjoy free verse poetry, of which this is a good example. I like how this form doesn't restrict you in your expression and the words you use to tell your story. One suggestion I do have, though, is to think about having a few extra line breaks. There are some lines which are so long, they stand out a bit. For example, "I suppose that when I really think about it though, to say that nobody puts me first would be a lie." If you put a line break after, "though" it would emphasise the second part of the sentence further. Actually, if it were my poem, I would also put a line break after "would be" and leave "a lie" on a line all of its own. In addition to this, I would go through the poem and take out all unnecessary words, like "that," "though." Words like this — filler words — make the poem a little less poetic.

My Favourite Part: I like your courage in writing this. It is very honest and personal, and it's not easy to write poetry like that. I really like this part: "The only time I am first / is when there must be a sacrifice." This make me so sad. It packs a punch, that's for sure. The whole poem does, to be honest. I could relate to much of what you have written. Your feelings are clear and well-expressed.

Suggestions: I wasn't sure about the ending. After all the difficulties expressed in the rest of the poem, when I read, "Because you see, / I am the only leader of the pack" I thought you were going to end on positive note. I thought you might say something about how you have survived because you have strength and resolve. It would have been nice to read something positive in the end. Because, reading this poem, I think those things are probably true of you.

Finally, I just want to say thanks again for entering the contest, and good luck!

Keep writing!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

205

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14 days may be credited.

#4680124

Review of An Angel Forlorn

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Demon of Tricks and Treats

Thank you for entering your poem into "Fox's Socks Newbie Poetry Contest"

. I am Choconut, one of the contest judges for the October round.

I am reviewing your poem, "An Angel Forlorn"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is a lovely poem that reminds me or reading romantic poetry. Someone like Shelley or Keats. It seems quite light at first, but it's actually quite sad by the time you reach the end. That's nicely done.

Voice/Tone: It would be easy to read this with lightness because the lines skip along at a great pace. However, as I mentioned, the poem takes on a sad tone as we learn that the angel has lost the love of his life (or, angelhood). This really reminds me of classic romantic poetry; the more I read it, the more I think this. The physical descriptions of the angel whose, "skin is forever fresh" are cherubic and innocent. Which makes the jolt of his raw grief even harder to take. But I like this, though. It is interesting and gives the poem more depth.

Mechanics: I love your use of an aabb rhyme scheme. It gives the poem a mostly good rhythm and a great, consistent pace. It reads easily and, mostly smoothly. If I'm honest, I think the first part of the poem flows better than from, "I've fallen in love with a maiden." The meter is slightly off, compared the the rest of the poem, here. I would just check your meter from this point to the end.

My Favourite Part: Your depictions of the angel, and the narrator, are really well-written. The angel, in particular, seems quite human and relatable in his grief. It is nice to read the angel having human emotions and struggling with mortal problems. I did wonder what happens to the lady he is mourning once she is dead. Does she get to be an angel? Or does she go somewhere else? And, if so, is it not somewhere the angel can also access?

Suggestions: My only suggestion is a reiteration of my above comments. I would just read the poem out loud, so you can hear how it sounds and how naturally it flows. If you feel it is slightly bumpy in places, there is always a way to fix it.

Thanks again for entering the contest, and good luck!

Keep writing!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

206

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14 days may be credited.

#4680123

Review of Homage to Heroes

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi JoABuilder

Thank you for entering your poem into "Fox's Socks Newbie Poetry Contest"

. I am Choconut, one of the contest judges for the October round.

I am reviewing your poem, "Homage to Heroes"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Well. I'm not sure where to start. This poem is beautifully written. It is incredibly emotive. It definitely hit me in the feels. I really like it.

Voice/Tone: The first example of genius in this poem is your decision to narrate it from the point of view of a statue on a plinth, a war memorial to the fallen service men and women. You could easily have written from a soldier's pint of view, but by doing it this way, you really got my attention. The tone is fairly somber, but not preachy. You are simply reminding people of the sacrifice that is made, and has been made for many years.

Mechanics: Forgive me, but I don't know whether this is a specific poetry form. It's not one I immediately recognise, but it is set out as though maybe it is a set form. If not, I really like the way you have created it. Overall, there is a good rhythm, a good pace also. There are some places, however, where the meter seems slightly off. For example, "Instead of erasing the past, look towards your tomorrow / Be kind, be nice and do all you can to prevent new sorrow." These lines stand out as having an extra beat or two. They just aren't quite as smooth as the rest of the poem.

My Favourite Part: I love the reminder at the end that these heroes could be anyone, from anyone's families. I particularly like this line: "We go when called with no questions asked." This line is a perfect demonstration of the message your poem holds. Also, "We grow and we learn and become better men / So these awful wars won’t happen again." This is an emotional statement. It makes me think of boys going to fight who come back as men. Great work!

Thanks again for entering this contest, and good luck!

Keep writing!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

207

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14 days may be credited.

#4674751

Review of New Beginnings

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi debmiller1

I am reviewing your short story, "New Beginnings"

, as one of the judges for September's official contest, "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. Thanks for entering, and good luck!

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I read through this story, continually thinking how clever and unique it is. I love all the mentions of famous people and the things that take place in this Limbo. With each new person Rachel met, I was excited to see who she would meet next.

Plot: Rachel Grant finds herself on a mountain in an Evergreen forest with no idea how she came to be there when, moments ago, she was in Chicago. You keep your reader guessing for just the right amount of time. I couldn't work out what was happening. At first, I thought Rachel had gone back to the war in 1776. Then, Napoleon appeared, and I was very confused. But, as Rachel moves from place to place with no kind of seam joining the places, we learn she remembers being on a street corner in Chicago, and then a bang of some kind took place. So, we start to think maybe she's dead, run over by a vehicle. And, I think, that is what happened. Now, Rachel ends up speaking to Archimedes, we learn that the place she is in is like a waiting room before Heaven. The theory being people go there until nobody remembers them anymore. I love that idea! I found the ending very moving, where Rachel realises she could be with her Granda May again. It's the perfect ending to the story.

Characters: We meet a few, most of them fleetingly. I love the Elvis arena, by the way. I would definitely spend a while in that place. Rachel goes through stages. At first, she is confused, but thinks it's a bit of a hoot (I think), then she is confused and scared, running away. The thing that scares her the most is the way people keep blinking out, vanishing. She is scared she will be next. I would have been pretty scared, too, at this point. But when she has a philosophical talk with Archimedes, she gets things a little straighter in her mind. I love how her mind took her straight to aliens for the final destination. That made me chuckle as I've just been watching old re-runs of The X Files.

Grammar: Just a couple of suggestions. I have put them in this dropnote:
Grammar/Spelling/Typos ▼

What I liked: The story. How unique it is. I really like the character of Rachel. I think she copes very well with the situation. I love this description of where Rachel first arrives: "Pine boughs danced to the music of a gentle breeze." It made me laugh out loud when Archimedes shouted Eureka! That's a nice touch. Mostly, though, I just love the intrigue of this tale. The wonder as to what has happened to Rachel, then the wonder as to where she will visit and who she will meet. It's a story that holds your attention and your imagination. It's sprinkled with a magical narrative, and I think it is top notch.

I enjoyed reading your entry. Thanks, again, for entering.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

208

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#4674747

Review of A Mouse for Spring

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi Graham B.

I am reviewing your short story, "A Mouse for Spring"

, as one of the judges for September's official contest, "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. Thanks for entering, and good luck!

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: Oh, my word. I absolutely adored this story! You had me falling for a little mouse. I was so moved by this character.

Plot: I love the setting of a school in Germany in World War II. Even more than that, I love the characters of Vesna and Iryna. There is danger running throughout this story. The soldiers and their artillery shells that are getting ever closer to the school. Then, there is Domovyk: the school cat. He is always prowling around the cellar, looking for little mice to eat. So, everything has danger around the corner. At the end, when the school is hit, I love how Iryna and Vesna started to dig and rescue people lost under rubble and debris.

Characters: Vesna is a mouse with a big heart. Her friendship with Iryna is so sweet. I love how both of these characters are different from their contemporaries. Iryna has the scar from her operation for a harelip, and Vesna has a patch of white hair over her eye. They are both teased because of their differences. But they both have kind, generous hearts. I also really liked the old man who stoked the furnace. He smiles at Vesna, rather than trying to bash her with his shovel.

Grammar: Just one thing. "The teacher continued calling out the student’s names." The apostrophe should be after the s because it is plural.

What I liked: Vesna twitching her nose in the old man's ear to revive him. That is too cut for words! But the thing that makes this story so good is your mastery of descriptive writing. You pull the reader deep inside the story world, and we see, smell, hear, feel everything from Vesna's point of view. And it's always like that. You never slip into telling us a story. From Vesna's paws on the snow, to the run-ins with Domovyk; everything made me feel like I was living it. The part where the cat finally pounces at Vesna, I actually exclaimed so loudly, my hubby asked if I was okay. Oh, I must also mention your opening paragraph because it is fantastic. As first paragraphs go, this is one that will have people reading on. You used all sense to create a real place that I felt I was standing in.

Suggestions: The only place I wasn't sure about was the end. That final sentence seems to change the pace of the story too quickly. I don't know it this was because of the word count limit? But, it kind of felt as though things weren't resolved fully.

I enjoyed reading your entry. Thanks, again, for entering.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

209

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14 days may be credited.

#4674744

Review of Not for the first time

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Sumojo

I am reviewing your short story, "Not for the first time"

, as one of the judges for September's official contest, "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. Thanks for entering, and good luck!

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This is a delightful story that is purely character driven, and that is the kind of story I love. As I first read it through, I went through wondering who Ryan was, and if he was really to be trusted. Even though Serena trusts him from the first touch, I still wondered if she was safe. I love how you have put the characters in a vulnerable position, and there is a moment where your readers will be unsure which way you will take it. Brilliant!

Plot: I love how this story is about lots of little things, like Serena's need to get away from home and spend time on her own, the shark attack (okay, not so little), the attraction between Serena and Ryan, and how she saves his life. Most importantly, though, at the end, you reveal the reason for the attraction. These two have known and loved each other in a previous life. That's a great twist.

Characters: There are only two characters, but the story is beautifully woven around them. Serena seems to be trying to escape something stressful at home. I was intrigued to know what. But, where does Ryan come from? It's almost like he dropped out of the sky, into the path of the woman he is meant to be with.

Grammar: Just a couple of suggestions. I have put them in this dropnote:
Grammar/Spelling/Typos ▼

What I liked: The first paragraph is awesome! Your description of the beach and the ocean and the arrival of Serena; it all just comes together to make a wonderful opening. I had no choice but to read on (which I would have done, even if I wasn't one of the judges). Also, the description of the "whispering sand" is fab. It put a huge smile on my face. I also loved the last paragraph. It left me wondering how many lifetimes these two could potentially spend together.

This is so enjoyable. It's really got my mind buzzing.

Thanks, again, for entering.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

210

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#4674743

Review of Suzette Higgenbottom's First Days

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Anna Marie Carlson

I am reviewing your short story, "Suzette Higgenbottom's First Days"

, as one of the judges for September's official contest, "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. Thanks for entering, and good luck!

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This is an interesting piece of writing. As I first read through, it seemed to be almost a recollection of your own school days, and what the end of school meant to you. The events certainly seemed to be based on real events. I like the advice you give through Mrs Whitmire. She sounds like an awesome teacher.

Plot: I found the plot a little weak. There didn't seem to be a specific story goal for Suzette, the main character. I also wasn't sure whether Suzette was narrating, or whether it was the narrator speaking directly to the readers. It left me a bit confused, if I'm honest. But, I was a little unsure about a beginning, middle, and end, and also with any kind of story or character arcs. This said, I think this would work really well as a personal essay. It felt like non-fiction, and I think that would make more sense.

Characters: Suzette is the main character. But so is the narrator, in a way. You broke out of character and spoke directly to your reader quite a lot, and this pulled me out of the story. I liked Suzette, however. She seemed to have an intelligent and creative head on her shoulders. It struck me that Suzette doesn't have (or, at least, doesn't mention having) a best friend. A girl of this age, surely, would have a group of friends, and probably one in particular. Okay, so it may not be absolutely necessary to the plot, but it would create the world in which the story is happening.

Grammar: Just a couple of suggestions. I have put them in this dropnote:
Grammar/Typos/Punctuation ▼

What I liked: I liked the way you write with wisdom. This would be a good piece for a younger person to read as I think it would be quite comforting to know you aren't on your own with your problems and with your wonderings about what the future may hold.

Suggestions: Give Suzette a best friend. She is a likeable, well-adjusted girl, and I'm sure she would have a best friend. Also, create a setting for everything to take place. Describe that setting.These things would help you to flesh out more of the storyline. I would take out the phrase "In closing" near the end because this makes this sound like a document for study, not a fictional story. Or, you could turn this into a personal essay. That would be interesting.

I enjoyed reading your entry. Thanks, again, for entering.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

211

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#4671722

Review of Promptly Poetry Challenge 2022-23

for entry "The gift of home [Week 10 entry]"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi Soldier_Mike

I am reviewing your poem, "The gift of home [Week 10 entry]"

, on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. This review is part of "Promptly Poetry Challenge (2024-2025)"

.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I was intrigued to read your poem when I saw that it is in the form of a Huitain. I remember seeing the form a long time ago in The Poet's Place, but it seemed way to difficult to attempt. You, however, have made it look effortless.

Voice/Tone: The tone is light and happy, and the pride you feel in your home is clear. It is really lovely to read this. In particular, I love the feeling that any down sides to owning your own place, like hefty mortgage payments, are all worth it. It is, after all your place. And not everyone can say that.

Mechanics: A Huitain. This eight line, eight syllable per line, poem reads as a fairly complicated form. Especially, when you add in the set rhyme scheme. But, boy, you have written it faultlessly. I am in awe. The first time I read this poem, I read it to check it fits with all the parameters. Every syllable, every rhyme ... they are all perfect. (Am I enthusing too much?) After I had checked the technical aspect, I then read the poem for pure enjoyment of the words. And it gives me such a warm feeling. I love the "smile lights up my face" part.

My Favourite Part: I'm not sure I can name just one part that sends out because I love the way the whole poem makes me feel. It slots together. Your own happiness with your home shines through. I love your final thought: "'This is my place!'"

Suggestions: I have wracked my brains to say something helpful, some way to improve. But, I've got nothing. You have done an incredible job with this tricky, little form. Great stuff! I might have to give this form a try when I'm feeling brave. Watch this space ...

Keep writing!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

212

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#4668216

Review of Even Prompter

for entry "Saplings"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Beholden

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. This review is part of "Promptly Poetry Challenge (2024-2025)"

.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This poem made me smile. That is my first impression. I love the language used, along with the picture it paints.

Voice/Tone: I wonder who the narrator is. At first, I though maybe it is God speaking to his creations. Which would make sense by the loving, fatherly voice he has. Also, the use of thou and thy is quite archaic, and that also gives the voice an older style. Whoever the narrator is, I very much like their voice. Their humour, too.

Mechanics: I really like rhymed couplets when written well. And these are written very well. The rhymes and rhythm work brilliantly. They give the poem a wonderful pace, making the lines zip along quickly and fluidly.

My Favourite Part: The end. My instinct was to laugh at this, and I did laugh when I first read it. But, after reading it a few times, I can see it really isn't very funny. It's quite a sad commentary on humans and how they mess things up for future generations. I like how easy it is to only read the lighter face-value meaning, though. If that makes sense.

This is a fantastic poem! I have to confess to being envious on this one because I really struggled with this prompt. But your poem is so descriptive, it's impossible not to get drawn in to the landscape, even without seeing the prompt. Love it! Great writing!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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#4667992

Review of Illusion at Best

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi starvingperson

Thank you for entering your poem into "Fox's Socks Newbie Poetry Contest"

. I am Choconut, one of the contest judges for the July round.

I am reviewing your poem, "Illusion at Best"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is an interesting concept. Your title and brief description really grabbed me. I think that politics today, celebrities today, those tings are definitely an illusion. Fake, plastic people doing fake, plastic things. I'm not sure one can say that events have been an illusion, though. JFK was definitely murdered. 911 definitely killed thousands of people. Perhaps, the truth surrounding history has been doctored. Reporting has been created by a certain few people. Maybe, that is what you are saying? These people have created the desired narratives for each event. I buy that.

Voice/Tone: I love the philosophical premise, and the way I could imagine you arguing this point in a court of law, or even at some kind of rally where you are getting to people to come together in a search for truth.

Mechanics: I like the free verse in this poem. It supports the theme of having free thought. A couple of simple things I would change, though: the capitalisation in the third stanza. I know the poem is free verse, but punctuation should still be uniform. Unless uniform is random. But it isn't random here. So, you don't need a capital R in Religion or A in And. Likewise, you don't need to capitalise Cities in the first verse. I would also add commas at the first two lines. This would keep it in line with the rest of the poem.

My Favourite Part: I love the premise. I love the way it makes me think about its message. My absolute favourite part, though, is in the final stanza: "and other social controls, / were yesterday’s dreams." I love that! It is perfect.

This is a really interesting poem. I like the message at its heart. Nicely written.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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#4667991

Review of Didn't Matter

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Freebird

Thank you for entering your poem into "Fox's Socks Newbie Poetry Contest"

. I am Choconut, one of the contest judges for the July round.

I am reviewing your poem, "Didn't Matter"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. This is powerful stuff. It seems to be written from a very personal point of view. And, with that in mind, I just want to say you really do matter, and I hope you've reached a place in your life where you understand that.

My first impressions of this poem is that it is written from the heart and expressed eloquently and emotionally. I want to say I like it, but I mean in terms of its poeticism, and not in terms of the horror of the contents.

Voice/Tone: The voice speaks to the reader in a way that will make them want to place a protective arm around the young girl and look after her. And that is a testament to your writing. You have really pulled me in.

Mechanics: I like the end of line rhymes you have used. They help give the poem fluidity and a nice rhythm in general. The one thing I wasn't sure about was the randomness of the rhymes. I mean, you start out with a four line stanza with an abab rhyme scheme. But, then you have a three line stanza with aab. You have some rhyming couplets, and one verse has no rhyme at all. It makes it a little difficult to maintain a rhythm. That said, maybe you were using a haphazard rhyme scheme to reflect the chaotic life of the narrator? On a different note, you have a typo here: "Would anyone help me to pick then up?" It should be "them." Also, "Why? because I didn't matter." It should be a capital B.

My Favourite Part: The fourth verse is my favourite. I found it really sad that you say your life shattered, but it didn't matter. That brought a lump to my throat.

Suggestions: There is one place I would change: "But I couldn't help the thought of living or dying." I'm not sure thought is the right word. Because it is more of a question than a thought, I would say.

I like this poem. You have done a great job of creating an emotive piece of poetry.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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#4667989

Review of A Fox's Defeat

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Megalodon

Thank you for entering your poem into "Fox's Socks Newbie Poetry Contest"

. I am Choconut, one of the contest judges for the July round.

I am reviewing your poem, "A Fox's Defeat"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is a fantastic study of the life (and death) of a fox. You create some great imagery and evoke some powerful emotion.

Voice/Tone: This is the wistful speech of one about to die. That that one is a fox, not a human, matters not. The first line makes me think of someone who knows they have come to the end of their life, poignantly remembering all they once were. I think everyone probably goes through this at some point. I could certainly relate to it. To have the second line read, "I have failed in majesty" seemed sad. But, again, it is very relatable. I have to say, I love the personification of this fox. I truly believe in his thoughts and feelings.

Mechanics: This poem is free verse, which I love. I especially like the third verse. That repetition of the word of is perfect. It really calls attention to these three attributes of which the fox is so proud. If I'm honest, I wasn't so sure about the next verse. It doesn't feel as poetic as the rest of the poem. It is more like prose written about this character's life. I think that is because of your use of "I lived ..." which feels like storytelling. Although I like the previous repetition of of, I didn't think the two funs work so well.

My Favourite Part: Oh, that's hard. I really like the way the whole poem comes together. I love the way you draw me in and make me invested in this fox's life. I genuinely felt sad when I reached the end and read, "One last, / hehe." That touched me deep inside. Great writing!

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem. You have crafted a wonderful character in the fox, and a colourful life to be remembered. I never would have thought I could feel so emotional about a fictional fox. I think it's because he is more than fox, isn't he? He experiences human emotions, and I think he had a little bit of everyone in him, really. Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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#4666975

Review of Promptly Poetry - Book 3

for entry "Finding Hope"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi Ned

I am reviewing your poem, Finding Hope, on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. This review is part of "Promptly Poetry Challenge (2024-2025)"

.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This poem is fantastic! I love the twist at the end. You really couldn't have ended the poem more perfectly. As I first read this, I thought it would be a straight forward (albeit, well written) poem about having a lack of hope. But it is so much more than that. It's more like a love poem to (I think) a child. Through them, you have hope that all will be well. Ahh. So lovely.

Voice/Tone: This sounds like it was written from the heart. As I mentioned, I read the first part thinking I would find some declaration of futility, or something. But that is not where you were headed. This poem feels carefully planned out. At least, you knew where you were going with it. And it pays off.

Mechanics: I love how you end the first three stanzas with, "It wasn't there." The hope for which you search is elusive, and you can't find hope within yourself or without. But, the last stanza ends with, "Hope was not in me / But you." It looks so simple when on paper, but it isn't. It packs a punch, and I like that. I really like your use of free verse for the poem. I adore free verse. And you truly are a master at writing it. The short lines give the poem a great pace and a nice, fluid rhythm.

My Favourite Part: The end. It has to be the end. That said, I love some of your descriptions of searching for hope. Like, in the first verse, where you say no light, "broke the darkness / of my soul." That's a great description. I think a lot of people will relate to that.

This is a great poem. I loved it even before I reached the fab twist at the end. Superb!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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#4664745

Review of Poetically Prompted

for entry "Invalid Entry"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi No Sox with Sandals

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. This review is part of "Promptly Poetry Challenge (2024-2025)"

.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

I loved this poem from the moment I first clicked on it.The feelings of love, contentment, happiness that your partner instills in you are just beautiful to read. And you express your feelings so eloquently. I am rubbish at writing anything positive and non-depressing, but you have made it seem effortless. I read this and I was like, "Oh yeah, that's how he makes me feel. Yeah, that too." But, try to think of it for myself, and ... nothing. So, in my rambling narrative, I'm trying to say I think this poem is excellent, and a lovely tribute to the love of your life.

I really like the end of line rhymes. They give the poem a great rhythm and pace. Again, I have admiration for you here because I find rhyming poetry really hard to write. But, again, this is a fabulous example of some.

My favourite line/phrase is where you mention the "ungentle shove" you felt towards your partner. That really spoke to me. Your choice of words is spot on.

So, I think it's fair to say, I really like this poem. I love the sentiment, and I love the ease with which it flows. It's a pleasure to read. A great start to the Promptly Poetry Challenge!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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#4650268

Review of The Last Date

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi John,

I am happy to be revisiting your story, "The Last Date"

, on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

[E].

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: As you know, I really enjoyed your original story. There were just a few things I felt needed looking at. Well, this revised version is even better! The story fits together more coherently, and you really tugged on every one of my heartstrings. The ending in the hospital is just amazing.

Plot: A car driver picks up an elderly lady on a cold, wintry night. She is wearing only her nightdress, and she carries a quilt. The story of the quilt is such a clever idea. It represents this lady's family. Every member has a square of material dedicated to them. Their death dates are included on their squares. This woman is the only family member left. I love the idea of this chance meeting, especially when we consider how much it changed the driver's life. It changed the old lady's life, too, for a short while. The couple bond almost instantly, and that is lovely to read. The driver knows they must help the lady, and she is happy sharing her life story with this stranger. Although, as she has Alzheimer's disease, I guess it could be true that everyone was a stranger to her. Not those on the quilt, though. The lady is really living in the past with her lost loved ones. It's so well written.

Characters: The bond that grows between the two is beautiful. I love how the driver refuses to leave the hospital until they have seen the woman. The old lady is such an interesting character. It is impossible to not be affected by her story. I liked how you mentioned getting an interpreter for the driver in the hospital this time round. So we know straight away that there is some kind of language barrier there. The receptionist's behaviour is much better explained, also. She came off as a little rude in your previous version. But, not in this one. It all makes sense, and her behaviour is fine.

Grammar: There are still a few issues here. Firstly, you have symbols throughout at the starts of sentences, and sometimes at the end. I'm not sure if you were using them to separate paragraphs or sentences, but it looks like you've forgotten to take them out. Also, I have a few things I think need changing:

" ...limp down the side of the street around dusk It was snowing ..." - You have taken out the comma, which is good. But you need to add the period after dusk.

"I caught more glimpses of the quilt and her expressions." - I've noted the amendments needed here in bold font.

" ... and into a small Admissions room with compute and a telephone." - It should be computer.

" ...I paid more attention and made sure the cup landed correctly and the in line for the dispenser." - I would cut "and the."

What I liked: So much! The story is heartfelt. Your two main characters are both memorable, and I love the way a lady with Alzheimer's and a person who is deaf form such a unique bond. I love how Sophia trusts the driver so easily. The quilt, I think I said before, I wish I could sew because I love this idea. A family tree in a quilt. I love how the lady feels the people through their individual squares. There is a place where the narrator thinks, " I felt she was unaware I was with her; as if she was with the people within the quilt." That's great! It is like this quilt is her own, unique photo album of memories. There is also a place at the end of the story that really made me well up: "Feeling isolated is something no one should experience." I think this is what bonds your two characters so well. They are both adrift from other people in some way. And isolation is, all too often, the result of that. Finally, I adored the part at the end where you mentioned Sophia's memories had taken her home. That's such a lovely thought. It reminded me of my own Mum when she passed away. I know she felt she was returning to my Dad. I'm pretty sure she actually saw him in her last moments because she smiled right before she died. So, yeah. I really connected to this story. Oh, I almost forgot. While I mentioned the typo in the part about the coffee machine, the actual idea of that, I thought was brilliant. Who can't relate to having done that before? I felt it made the story all-the-more relatable.

I would have given this a 5

rating if not for the typos. The story itself, the characters, the emotions ... All of those got a great, big five. It was just the tiny errors that meant I couldn't say it is completely perfect. I think you have done some great work revising this. I really enjoyed it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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#4638482

Review of The Prophet

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi LightinMind

I am reviewing your short story as one of the judges for October's official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

.

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: Oh, my word. This story is so creative and clever. Right from the start, I fell in love with Danny, and I wanted him to be able to communicate the words God spoke to him. I loved the WDC connection, also. That made me smile when I read it. It's all connected so smoothly.

Plot: A man who has trouble with words, both speaking and writing, hears God's voice giving him a message he needs to communicate with the rest of the world, no matter the ultimate price he will pay.Through a writing group, Danny becomes confident enough to write down the message and spread it through every English speaking church in the world. But, this comes with a high price: the death of his beloved wife. It's so sad. But, it isn't only sad. It is positive because this message he received from God has led to him being able to communicate, which is something he could never do before. This plot is unique. I love where you've taken the prompt.

Characters: Danny is brilliant. He is such a likeable character. I like how he is large in physical build, yet is also vulnerable, and I really wanted his life to turn out okay. I wanted Laura to go back to him, and I was so happy when she did. Your ending, however ... wow. It is a touch of genius. It broke my heart, but, on reflection, I think it was inevitable. I have a question about LightTheFire: Was he the Pastor? Or am I reading too much into it? Just one thought on the characters. I wondered why Laura was with Danny in the first place. It seems to me she left him because he wasn't able to express himself. But, that wasn't something new. He must have been like that when they met. Then, when they get back together, it seems to be all about his being able to express himself. It makes me wonder why they were ever together before.

Grammar: I have a number of grammar suggestions, and I've put them in a dropnote ...
Grammar/Punctuation ▼

What I liked: Danny. He shines through as a determined, gifted man. And the Pastor is a fab character. The plot is not one I expected to read this morning. And, that ending. I think I actually stopped breathing for, like, a second when I read it. Absoultely fantastic!

I really enjoyed reading your story. The half a point that I dropped is purely because of the grammar issues. The plot and characters get a five from me.

Choconut

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#4638480

Review of Min

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Sumojo

I am reviewing your short story as one of the judges for October's official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

.

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This story did not go where I was expecting it to go. When you started the story with the girl hiding in the plum tree because she didn't want to wash the dishes, I thought it would be a cute, funny story. But it wasn't. Instead, it is a serious look at the appalling treatment of workers in Chinese sweatshops. As I read, I kept thinking, but, surely, this is exaggerated for dramatic effect. But, actually, after reading to the end, I don't think it is exaggerated. I think this is probably a pretty accurate depiction of some factories in certain countries. It left me feeling a little guilty about the iPhone sitting next to my computer.

Plot: Lu Qing Min (Min for short) wants to escape her home village where she is the only daughter in a family of boys. She hates having to do all the housework. So, as soon as she is sixteen, she moves to the city and gets a job in an iPhone factory. Here, the conditions are terrible. I loved how you ended the story with the Australian girl finding the photo of Min, along with her note telling of the awful conditions, on her new phone. I wasn't expecting that, and it was a lovely touch.

Characters: We don't really go too much into Min's psyche. Everything is told from her point of view, and this is consistent throughout. Her voice is clear, and her descriptions of the factory are excellent.

Grammar: My main suggestion is to watch your comma usage. I would take out a few of the ones you have in here. For example, "The air is different here, it’s hot, thick, choking." You have joined two independent clauses together. I would either change the comma after "here" to a semicolon, or change it to a period.

What I liked: I love the metaphor of the train spitting Min out into the fast-moving river of the city. You describe the buildings as though they are sentient beings who could swoop down and swallow Min up. It creates a feeling of the city being alive and dangerous. It's absolutely brilliant.

I enjoyed your story. I was so glad Min managed to make her feelings known by learning English so she could communicate. I loved the ending. Great work.

Choconut

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#4638476

Review of Imagine

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi Fyn

I am reviewing your short story as one of the judges for October's official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

.

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: Your opening paragraph hooked me immediately. Three ceiling-high, muddy-blue creatures made me sit up and take notice. As I first read through, I was eager to see whether Benson would save the human race or not, and if so, how? I really like the way Benson has to post something on FaceBook in a bid to reach everyone. This is ironic as FaceBook is the cause of a lot of the problems the human race has when it comes to kindness, or a lack thereof.

Plot: Benson awakes to find three aliens in his room. They tell him he must post something on FaceBook that makes the human race understand that all lives matter. Kindness matters. If he fails to convince people of this fact in twenty-four hours, the entire human race will be wiped out. That's quite a burden to place on someone.

Characters: Benson and the three blue aliens. I think Benson does a great job of getting the message across and, thereby, saving the human race. The scene at the end where he crawls back into bed and cries is brilliant. Such a weight he had to bare, it's not surprising he cries. The aliens, I'm not entirely sure why they are visiting Benson. Why do these three aliens get the opportunity to wipe out the human race?

Grammar/Typos: Just a few points.

"You must convince the apparently, great unwashed masses ..." - I would place a comma before "apparently" because I think that word should be separated. I had to read the sentence a few times before I understood it.

"Not just Blacks, Not just Asians." - The comma here should be a period.

"The would of splintering glass ..." - I think this should be "sound."

What I liked: The social commentary in this story. I love how FaceBook is key to saving the human race through preaching kindness. Initially, Benson's first post receives a whole bunch of negative comments, just as it would in real life. But, when he continues to preach his message, people finally take notice. Social media is the perfect way to achieve this. The story is also timely in its emphasis on kindness. I love the message that everyone is important, that everyone matters. You have achieved in this story exactly what your main character was trying to achieve in his life.

Suggestions: I didn't really understand why the three aliens had this power over the human race. Why could they wipe out everyone on earth if people didn't understand that all lives matter? Because that act of wiping them out is saying no one matters. As Benson points out, it is no better than the humans who don't value others. Also, how do the aliens have that much power, when they say they are not as advanced as humans?

I really like your unique idea for this story. It is perfect in the social media climate we have today. Very enjoyable.

Choconut

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#4638475

Review of Silent Communications

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hi PureSciFiPlus

I am reviewing your short story as one of the judges for October's official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

.

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I like the idea of having someone who is unable to speak, but uses only sign language. That's a great communications barrier for this prompt. As I read this story, I was glad that everything turned out okay for James and Alice in the end.

Plot: James is unable to speak, and so he communicates via sign language and text messages. At twelve, he believes he is old enough to be left on his own without a babysitter. However, while his parents are out, he takes a note from his neighbour about his sister, and appears not to read it. So, while his sister needs to be prepped for a kidney transplant, he makes a sandwich and spills a little mayo while climbing the stairs. He slips on this mayo and falls down the stairs, spraining every limb he owns. I did wonder how plausible it is that he could have slipped so badly on a "little bit of mayo." I also wondered how he was able to scoot along the floor to his cell and throw balls at the table and the window, when he was so badly injured.

Characters: James wants to be treated more like an adult. Which is a common thing for all children of this age, I think. I love how difficult he finds communication, but how determined he is to be "normal." However, he really messes up. I didn't understand why his parents saw this event as proof he is able to be left alone. He failed to alert his parents to his sister's new kidney, and he fell down the stairs, spraining every limb on his body. That's not really so successful. I did like the way he managed to dial 911 and alert them to his being in trouble. That was grown up, and I understood why his parents were proud of this.

Grammar: I have a few suggestions which I have put in a dropnote.
Grammar/Typos ▼

What I liked: I really liked James' determination and the way he got help for himself. The ending was happy. Although James was hurt badly, his sister got the kidney and he was easily fixable. It is a nice family story.

Suggestions: I didn't think you needed the detail about Alice getting her new kidney. This was thrown in at the end, when I had thought Alice had had an accident, too. It didn't make sense that she would be at her neighbour's house if she was so ill, waiting for a kidney. I can't imagine her parents would leave her with someone else. And, why did Patrick not ring Matt or Claire to tell them a kidney had been found for Alice? He wouldn't have left a note about it, surely? The other thing I had a query over was how believable it was that James — a twelve year old left on his own for the first time ever — would see the best way to spend his time was to sit down and have a two hour nap.

I enjoyed reading this story. I felt there were a few things that needed tightening up to make a bit more plausible, but it is still a very enjoyable story.

Choconut

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#4638473

Review of Silent Wave

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi debmiller1

I am reviewing your short story as one of the judges for October's official contest, "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

.

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: This is an interesting story. I liked reading about the challenge of making the deaf lady understand there is a tsunami approaching. This lady was so lucky that Jim chose to stay and help her. His attempts at miming the tsunami and pouring water over his head are brilliant.

Plot: This is the story of an impending tsunami in Hawaii. Sirens are blaring, signalling the danger that is on its way, but an elderly Asian lady cannot hear them because she is deaf. So, a kind pastry-by stops to rescue her. First, though, he must convince her he is a good guy and trying to help her. I did find it a bit strange that this lady would be sat on her front porch, watching everyone clamouring to escape up into the mountains, and not realise that something bad was happening. She would have realised things were not normal, surely? She may even have felt the sirens vibrating. I guess I just found it a little hard to believe she wouldn't have known a disaster was looming.

Characters: Jim is a great character. I love how kind and caring he is. The fact he refuses to leave this lady, who he didn't know at all, shows what a great guy he is. It takes him a while to figure out she was deaf. Again, I just think she would have been able to indicate that someway. I assume she has been deaf for a time, maybe for life, so, surely, she would know how to convey this to people she meets.

Grammar: I would change this: "Cars inched from a side street into his lane. Their frightened faces broke his heart." - This reads as though the cars have frightened faces, not the people. Also, "That was okay; Jim thought while pulling into an available space." - The semicolon should be a comma.

What I liked: Some of your descriptions are fab. I loved the image of the roads filled with traffic trying to escape as, "clogged traffic arteries." That is a perfect description. The fear and panic you show when Jim and the lady are in the pickup, racing to the multi-storey car park with water coming through the floorboards, is fantastic. I could feel the panic. At the end, when they are safe, the siren's fall silent, leaving Jim feeling "hollow inside" and this is a wonderful image. That anti-climax when all your adrenalin has left you. Brilliant.

Suggestions: My main suggestion is have the lady be able to show Jim she is deaf in some way. I just think she would be used to having to do that.

I enjoyed reading your story. It shows clearly the difficulty in communication between Jim and the old lady. You create a great relationship between the two of them, and I was really rooting for them to make it in the end. And, I loved the ending.

Choconut

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#4626754

Review of The Shadow Watcher

for entry "Chapter 1: 09/19/2006: The Shadow with a Face"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi Roari ∞

,

I am reviewing this chapter as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. It is your second "Rach's Chocolate Emporium "

review.

Please remember these opinions are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: I chose to read this chapter because the description of the book sounded really interesting. After reading this chapter, I'm not entirely sure who the man is who is following Sam. He certainly sounds creepy, with his long, black trench coat and dark glasses. From what I can figure, he is Sam's own shadow. Or, at least, the person who lurks in her subconscious. I am intrigued to find out who he is.

Characterisation: I would have liked a little more insight into Sam's character. You tell us she likes books and she was almost married to Jeff. However, all this information is told to us. It would have been nice to show us more of Sam's emotions. I know she was frightened at first, but straight afterwards, she felt curious about the man's identity, and no longer scared. But, it would have been nice to have a bit of a clue to why she would feel this way. Because without that clue, it's hard to believe. Similarly, when you told us about Jeff, it was very much you telling us about him, not Sam. That's not to say I didn't like Sam and I wasn't intrigued by the man who is following her. Because I do, and I am. It would just have been nice to have a bit more of an emotional feel for Sam.

Grammatical Errors: I have a few suggestions which I have put in a dropnote:
Grammar/Spelling/Typos/Suggestions ▼

Flow of the Chapter/ Story: I like how the chapter flows. It is a great opening to a story that holds a lot of potential. I am intrigued by the character who stalks Sam. I like how you begin at the bookstore, which seems as though it may have significance in the book, then show us a little of Sam's life. In between, we meet the man in the trench coat. I think the flow of the chapter is perfect.

Dialogues: My only suggestion here is to watch your dialogue tags and to keep speech from one character's thoughts/actions in one paragraph.

Setting: There's not a lot of setting described in this chapter. I assume this will come in the following chapters. The dark alley is very well described, however. Very creepy indeed!

Final Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this chapter. I like the concept, and I wonder where you have taken it in later chapters. Who is the mysterious man who has been following Sam forever? It's a great mystery.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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#4626744

Review of Blue Light

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Roari ∞

,

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. It is the first of your (overdue) "Rach's Chocolate Emporium "

reviews.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This poem is fabulous! I love the descriptions of the 'blue light hour.' I've never thought of it like that before, but your description is so evocative of that time of night. I could almost feel the cool night air folding in around me. Fantastic!

Voice/Tone: The tone is filled with wonder. It is like a homage to nature. Not only do you show us the 'blue light hours' but you also show us the creatures who live in your surroundings. I could imagine myself walking through the field where I take my dog, listening to owls hooting in the trees. It's an incredibly soothing and relaxing poem. It's like a warm, comforting blanket.

Mechanics: You have stuck to the form you describe at the top of the poem really nicely. What I would be interested to know is if there is any set syllabic form or meter. I say this because it isn't completely smooth all the way through. The first verse: perfect. The first time I read the second and third, I was thrown out of the rhythm a little. I had to re-read them a couple of times to get the rhythm working in my head. In particular, the first two lines of the last verse. The meter seems off which makes them a little bumpy. It didn't really make me love the poem any less, though.

My Favourite Part: My favourite verse is the middle one. I love the way you take us into the world of animals saying goodnight to one another and going about there nightly routines. This is my favourite line: "Owls ask 'who?' of all the wondrous things" I cannot tell you how much that made me smile. It's a great aural description. So clever.

I really enjoyed reading this poem. I feel nice and relaxed now to face the rest of the day

Keep writing!

Choconut

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .