Hi 💙 Carly ,
I've just finished reading your short story, "Time To Celebrate" , and I'd like to offer the following comments. This review is affiliated with "The Rockin' Reviewers" and is also a part of "I Write in 2019" .
Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.
My first impressions: As I first read this, I found it to be a heartwarming, feel-good story. I smiled the whole way through. From your characters, to the sense of magic, to the fabulous ending, it's all very moving and incredibly enjoyable.
Plot: A girl who lives in a land where enjoyment and laughter are forbidden finds her way to a new, magical place where she can smile and relax. I have to say I love the name of the place she lives: Nofunlandia. It doesn't sound like a very welcoming place. When Bryanna hears the sound which sounds like laughter, she follows it until she reaches a magic mountain that gives way to a big party in honour of her nineteenth birthday.
What I really liked: Bryanna's realisation that her father tricked her into believing her mother was dead, when really she had been exiled because she was too exuberant for Nofunlandia. I could really feel Bryanna's emotions when she found her mother whom she believed she would never see again. That's a lovely touch. The thing I love most about this, though, is the sense of magic. You start with the sound that is like laughter that entrances Bryanna. It's kind of like a good siren calling her. Then, the mountain that gave way when she held her hand to it, revealing a cavern with lights everywhere. And, my favourite: the fairies. I love your descriptions of them. This one is fab: "All hovered and flitted on wings so delicate they seemed barely there." Similarly, I love your description of the balloons dancing on air.
Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: I have a few suggestions which I will put in this dropnote ...
Grammar Suggestions ▼
"The worse part was scaling the city wall ..." - It would make more sense to say worst.
"but once I entered the forest - the same forest I had heard rumours of – where people went in, but never came back." - This sentence is incomplete. By saying, "But once I did this," you then need to follow up with the consequence of you doing it. For example, "But once I entered the forest - the same forest I had heard rumors of - where people went in but never came back, I saw the light." However, I would try to break this sentence down a little for clairty.
"It was filled with a multitude of star light." - Firstly, starlight is one word. Also, I'm not sure multitude is the right word because it usually relates to sound rather than vision. Something like abundance might word better.
"The log, on closer inspection was set up like a table with party plates ..." - I would place a comma after inspection.
" ... he would be able to undue any influence I had bestowed." - It should be undo.
There are a couple of places where you place a period at the end of a dialogue line, when it should be a comma. For example, here: "'Bryanna.' she called moving swiftly across the mossy grass to pull me into her warm embrace."
Final thoughts: This is such an enjoyable, magical story. I'm sure it could be enjoyed by adults and children alike. I love the reunion with Bryanna and her mother. That part has really struck me. Thanks for sharing this wonderful story.
Keep writing!
Choconut
|