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Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
HI Savannah Thomas Author Icon,

I'm reminded of the old Temptations song when I read the poem you wrote. It goes:

You've got a smile so bright, you know you could have been a candle
I'm holding you so tight, you know you could have been a handle
The way you swept me off my feet, you know you could have been a broom
The way you smell so sweet, you know you could have been some perfume

[Chorus:]
Well, you could have been anything that you wanted to
And I can tell, the way you do the things you do

As pretty as you are, you know you could have been a flower
If good looks was a minute, you know that you could be an hour
The way you stole my heart, you know you could have been a cool crook
And baby you're so smart, you know you could have been a schoolbook

Perhaps, I'm introducing you to this style of poetry, lyric writing, from an oldies song for the first time to help inspire your poem.

I like the construct, but think it could be reimagined and perhaps the Temptations can help. Good song. Give it a listen.

You have some good things at work but perhaps it's not as smooth as a Motown song, and it may remind some of the readers here of it. It does show invention and innovation. You neatly introduce these ideas and how they can work to secure this relationship. Nicely summarized, too.

Keep up the good work,

BK
Yet Another Newbie Review


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Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

This poem was very succinct and a knowable subject about encouraging one not to despair, to know life has much greater things in store. It is meant to encourage and embolden the belief that set backs are not the end, but new beginnings.

I look at the structure and see a mix of traditional rhyming poetry to start and end with a free verse mix within. It could be that this is a raw poem in work. I noted the emphasis on articles with 'the noon' which actually give the poem a flair. I felt the first four lines were strongest, usually the epiphany that causes a poet to pen before it loses its way a bit:

"The gentle rays of the morning sun get stronger by the noon,
the scorching heat gets weary and gives way to the rising moon
dark long nights last not forever, a bright new day shines upon
So, mere mortal, why despair, when challenges come along..."

Next is where the write becomes subject to run on sentences and loses its pace, strength and feel by leaning into clichés and lacking the early imagery that flavoured the open:

"...seasons change, time is a fleeting,
why harbour the ills of the past
Sorrow, vengeance, shame and sins,
have ripped your heart apart..."

I liked that you rhymed again in the end, but the dismount lacks originality or some of that style in the opening. You are British, are you not? You could lean into ye olde style a bit? Give 'em the buck up speech and hope for a brighter tomorrow stuff?

"Fret not, a new dawn will bring hopes galore,
a more wiser You will soon emerge and soar."

Maybe, the poem would be aided by a grammar checker and better punctuation. Definitely focus on middle four lines. I'd like to see examples of overcoming sorrow and holding out for a bright tomorrow with that early inspired magic.

Brian
Another newbie Review


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Review of End Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Clouds* *Clouds* *Clouds* *Clouds* *Clouds* *Clouds* *Sun* *Clouds* *Clouds* *Clouds* *Clouds* *Clouds* *Clouds*


Hi Lori J Author Icon,

I saw your post asking for a review in newsfeed. It 'tis but a wisp of a poem that begs a reader to look within and see they psyche at play teasing us with this notion about wanting to give up.

It felt like the beginning of something more. I think for the poet, it's knowable this feeling. I can feel it, share in it. But concretely? I needed more to go on, the why's and wherefore's of it. It's not like it needs direct explanation.

Sometimes, describing surroundings is a start. Describing the narrator in attire, appearance, etc. helps us, too.

I liked how the poem started out,

"She came and slipped down,
Silently beside me."

It felt like a real person. Though, it felt like the hook was a set up. Because the poem is so tiny and reads so fast, there is not enough for a reader to become introspective already, or really at all, without additional details beyond the discovery characterizing the spirit of oneself. I assume she's sad or done with the world, somehow. I can infer my own meaning from thoughts of suicide to giving up a particular vocation or lifestyle. We don't know. No little clues to go one.

But the spirit is described, somewhat kindly,

"Uttering nary a word,
This gentle spirit of mine."

She definitely is trying to be noticed. I think of a character's soul slipping from it's shell and sitting beside this person, who could be hallucinating for all we know. who could be losing it and wants to hold it together, because:

"I ignored her completely,
Totally -
I didn't want to consider
End times.

My end time.

Not today."

Why? It feels like half the story. In essence, the poem does not want to deal with it. So, is the poem the personification of the spirit of the person? That's me over-interpreting. Using my imagination, too.

It was fun to read and hopefully my thoughts as feedback can help you see from another perspective what one reader perceives.

Best of luck in your writing endeavor,

Brian
Another newbie review


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Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
I can't be fully sure I understood what this poem is specifically about, despite reading the description introducing this. I can say there are some universal truths at work here about how we reflect on opportunity around us and failing chances to seize.

The structure of this poem is unique to me, but might want to run through a grammar checker. I think there are a lot of commas where there could be full thoughts instead.

You showed some mastery of the English language, but connecting these thoughts to the three words chosen to title each verse seemed disconnected. I think the message still holds true, despite, with a little filtering as I read.

Best writing to you,
BK


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Review of What is Silence?  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found evident truth in your poem about Silence and the ways it manifests itself and how we are to perceive its affect on us and our surroundings and life.

That first stanza was full of potential with imagery of snow quietly falling that I found myself wanting to fall for that imagery connected to feeling and see where it goes. But, the poem marches on to mimes and then back to a window and then sitting quietly with thoughts. The poem is reaching for higher meaning while leaving some of the skill of poetry behind, which could help with the message.

Starting with that imagery. That's where I turn to that snow again. It connects with the third stanza. I'd kill the mimes, though they could be inferred. I'm just thinking how you could connect thoughts to the quiet snowflakes covering the ground. In my own mind, another poem is brewing that shows how each tiny prism layers the ground like inside a person's mind. The brain is a quiet container, collector of these thoughts good or evil or otherwise.

Just saw some possibilities when I read that first verse. I thought the rhyme scheme was a bit touch and go, ending by rhyming 'good' twice. But, I'm sure if this is still raw for you, much can still come from it. In fact, it could be the basis for other poems given how you can connect to the quiet collection of snow.

Good luck,
BK


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Review of Pretty  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is actually catchy and I would use it for some alt-rock song sung by a goth woman who is tormenting a man Fiona Apple style.

The lines read quick and tight and had a lyrical value that made me think it could be a song. It is cliché at times, but what songs aren't.

You make a great message with truths about human nature. I suspect by stating what you are doing in a Machiavellian way makes it smarter, edgy.

Well done,

BK


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Review of Void  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think you have perfectly caught a mood with this poem. It doesn't say a lot, but says enough. You describe as well as reveal this gloom. The poem ends on an ironic statement, one that the reader should ponder.

Describing the night on his face gave me a feel of someone caught, motionless, in awe and yet alone absorbing this nature and connecting to it. In some way, I felt it just a preface to more to come, with further perspective from this dark one breathing and coalescing with new vision in the night.

BRIAN


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for entry "Living Small" Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jay,

I was working on reviewing some entries for Taboo Words contest round about isolation before I got the notion to submit, too. I was inspired by entries like yours and decided to send my stuff to review tool, when I rediscovered my unfinished thoughts there today. I thought I might send along this feedback now to see if it may help you envision this poem or future poems you may be working on with taboo words in mind.

Mind you, this is cryptic. I copied and pasted some lines from your poem "Living Small" Open in new Window. that didn't meet criteria of contest and paired them from definitions found in Webster's online dictionary:

'is living from my loves away'

'This distance from my world imparts'

both lines very close to suggesting alone living...away = apart
also, distance from my world = apart

I think you had a strong entry. Hope this info was beneficial, as I clean out my review tool today.

Brian


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Review of Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Clouds**Clouds**Clouds**Clouds**Clouds**Sun**Clouds**Clouds**Clouds**Clouds**Clouds*


I agree with the writer's view with this poem. I think you have an opportunity to dig deep and show. You started to use a metaphor with the football field by end, but maybe not the best to make a point poetically. Practically it does well to describe.

Here you have an undescribed piece, that could categorize as spiritual or psychological as we are attacking the playing fields of a mind. Wherein, a person could visualize a little utopia or Eden waiting to be discovered by the idealist mind constructing these thoughts hacking through thorny jungles or scaling tall cliffs to find some wise man for truth and keys to life. They all hide inside the mind. A game or puzzle to solve.

You could go in a thousand metaphorical directions and I implore you to start there and try each thematically with sole purpose to connect these thoughts coalescing with visions to inspire readers and writers to revel and explore with the same enthusiasm you share here.

It is better to show than tell to get a true meaning. Thank you for sharing,
BK *Zebra*


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Review of Hope  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Clouds**Clouds**Clouds**Clouds**Clouds**Sun**Clouds**Clouds**Clouds**Clouds**Clouds*

I saw some opportunities to improve this essay that was difficult to read because the thoughts run on and need to be separated. In the open, for instance:

Fear of losing a loved one to death or leaving us stranded abruptly, pain after failed relationships or after a rejected proposal, feeling helpless after being cheated on, struggles to keep our survival going by hunting for that job, to cope up with ill-health, etc and many more such life agonies we have to face in our lifetime.

Instead:

Death of a loved one or being left stranded abruptly are causes for fear. Perhaps, it's the pain suffered after a failed relationship, a rejected proposal, or being cheated on. That struggle for survival comes when hunting for a job, coping with ill health, and many other life agonies faced in our lifetime.

You can see that you can weed out a lot of articles this way that clutter text and focus more on verbs and a few adjectives. You were grouping these struggles appropriately and it made it easy to edit.

I think you have a few more cumbersome paragraphs like this. You do make an introduction that suffices to introduce. The core catalyst for this is hope with a good summation. I think describing how to harness hope or remain steadfast knowing these ills will only be hiccups in one's life should give assurances to bolster writer's argument.

I wish you luck with your essay
BK *Clouds*


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Review of Lost  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Bird*
Interesting story that had a poetic, lost feeling to it. I had some early impressions to share right away.

That first paragraph is description of surrounding but not who this person was. Mind you, a name is not necessary, but just a description or two of some kind if you intend to lead us along. Parents just not enough, but That's okay.

Paragraph two gets tedious and the thoughts are enjambed so that it is difficult to see things unfold. You can simplify sentences by separating thoughts. If you intend to show anxiety, run on sentences do tend to help with emotion of read.

Third paragraph is powerful and descriptive. This is poetry and gives the mind plenty to consider about this mysterious character and the situation in. It continues into paragraph four and the raven appears and I'm thinking of Native American folklore. I can't decide if this is a true tale because the arrows would surely kill. It feels like a story that would be good for a campfire telling.

I see a brave but lonely person who has spiritual support, but sometimes these stories bend toward to supernatural to god-like where she or the bird is given special powers. But, it's hard to tell if she's deserving after being described as a backstabber. Is this why she is alone?

Many questions for an intriguing write that I would like to see developed further.
BK


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Review of Paragraph  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Fox*
I thought I would offer some input on your item titled paragraph to see if I can inspire or help shape some story out of this.

I think a few things are in order to begin with. What is your vision, even if a little fuzzy? Every good opening paragraph establishes something that gives a reader something to start evaluating and anticipating going forward. Writing devices like foreshadowing are a good place to start with a beginner writer.

Also, have a title and description line befitting what you hope to envision writing. It can change, so don't sweat committing to anything. Nothing is set in stone. Give us something to anticipate as we read the first draft. You can add the instructions and what this is about just above the paragraph for readers and reviewers to consider. We like instructions and what the writer needs help with.

As to story: I think it needs a hook and to spend some time describing or developing characters and the scene just a bit better. Not enough to chew on yet. It is also better to imply things, instead of telling us what you call this hangout spot, let us assume from that awful establishment's name. Mine was the Pop Stop, growing up.

Each time you introduce a character, you have to give us a flavor of that person. Do we like them, not like them, or are they inconsequential? When you refer to them by name, we assume they'll become a part of the story, as with Duke the bartender. I think you have four characters and the last is just introduced at the end.

I think you are doing well to establish a conflict, the main character being dragged there and not wanting to be involved in sweaty, grinding dancing. Hard to know how this character will fare under peer pressure.

Considering it is a young adult genre, might be a story about overcoming idiots who want to get crazy and the unpopular choice of saying no to all this stuff. But, as far as developing conflict, it might mean booze, drugs, sex? I don't know what qualifies under that genre. Helps to know what is currently popular and being published to know what fits.

I think it will take some work, but you've laid the ground work. Hope this helps.
BK *Fox*


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Review of The Diagnosis  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I read this story with much anticipation for the outcome. There seemed to be some foreboding (as with message on phone) and some twists and turns to the manners and outcome of the hitman. I honestly thought Duncan would get that message and have to figure out how not to get whacked.

This was not pleasing as a gruesome, sad story with a bit of irony at the end. I'm not sure Duncan is a sympathetic character, because he did not consider how horrible this would affect daughter. That he decided his wife's fate, as well. I feel set up a bit by the need to enjoy that last day, like he was going to miss both members of his family. In retrospect, he might have agonized over a double murder.

Characters were a bit ordinary and stiff. I think it was hard to be invested in anyone but Duncan. Waitress cliché, hitman intriguing needs more description/mannerisms. The story plays from Duncan's perspective until he dies. I almost feel the hitman is a more likeable character for how he carries out his craft.

Sticking points for me:
I'm not sure you can request no autopsy with a homicide, especially if his wife has not agreed. Remaining family could request autopsy, I would think. It could be assumed the autopsy is an unnecessary detail for the story. Even when one is done, it can only conclude he was murdered. It is more likely questions would center around staging of scene. Even if he has cancer, it's not what kills him. It's not the smoking gun to prove a hit. The 10k could be traced. The meet up might be checked. Credit cards, phone records are all more damning than what autopsy results, unless the killer is sloppy and gets caught.

More: Doctors seldom leave detailed messages. It can be assumed a nurse would call instead and only request they immediately call back. Privacy laws are pretty strict now. Unless this was set in an earlier era, but the cost of coffee would belie that.

I think this reads closer to noir-style fiction. If I'm paying that much for coffee, I'd be describing a goth barista who I'd still stiff on the tip because of her flat affect and indifferent no-eye-contact demeanor. Or, someone serving who's even more progressive. But, Wheel of Fortune just seemed so sad and tired.

Duncan does seem pathetic. I didn't know how to feel about him. Very dark and stunning result. It leaves a reader with intense emotion, if they're into that sort of thing. You categorized the genres correctly.

Nice going,
BK


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Review of Mother  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think as haikus go, from what I know, you seem to have nailed it. I think beyond the syllable form is where you have successfully completed this mission.

Opportunities for improvement might include somethung beyond using three -ful words conjoined. There are many ways to go in that middle of the haiku that are endless. Lines one and three hold the structure. You could repeatedly create multitudes of Mother's Day type tributes from this.

Well done.
RR


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Review of A Violet Dance  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
I think the last line of this poem says it all, "too many possibilities" of what this subject displayed in poetic fashion is about. Definitely could categorize this poem: philosophy, psychology, maybe.

I think this lacked a hook, lacked concrete imagery or directed subject to aptly apply. It was well written and haughty. It's a Poet idealist in love with fancy words that want to connect and reveal a deeper meaning which I could not fully devise.

I think you are on to something with this.

RR


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Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Oddman has odd syntax and style in approach that first gave me thoughts of a Gertrude Stein classic. I'm thinking the rhyming and meter were raw and unrefined. There is a message in this poem that relates well to readers and is unkempt like the cluttered mind that needs order.

It was entertaining and unusual as poetry goes. Thank you for sharing.

RR


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Review of Engraved  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
I like idealism in poetry where we want to find ourselves in a shinier world. Definitely a poem foremost about spirituality, which you could add as a genre.

The syntax was off and you misspelled rain. Otherwise the message was strong, raw and searching for meanING. I think the Poet was in the moment like the described shine, and in this portal connecting with a message to translate to the world.

I wish I could connect to it better.

RR


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Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

When I see a poem like this, I ask myself how as a reviewer to best offer feedback, especially when auto-rewarded. I investigate more from description to genre to writer bio to learn a little more. Then, there is the approach to just give your gut reaction and don't sugar coat it.

You paint a stark, darkly humorous image of someone, maybe a disliked child, who died after eating a pencil that stuck in his throat. And gore, forced to rhyme, implied to me a situation I see as remorseless. The narration seemed voyeuristic like another child watching, enjoying, not helping. It's through the attempt to sound funny that it seemed sadistic and cruel. 'Bob would eat anything' I can assume little brother. Or, I think of a school setting.

If you went for disturbing, it worked. It's not artfully crafted, but I see it's appeal to like-minded adolescents. I see it is the open to (or ending of) something chillier than a Goosebumps book.

Brian


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Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear alisony Author Icon,

I can really put myself in the scene created by this poem. It reminds me how we can simply but eloquently describe our surroundings with an emotional connection to it. This poem reads how words should expressively move on the page. And, you send it off right with the last line, punctuating the poet's whistful feeling, no doubt inspired in a moment to pen these emotions into words:

"with stars freshly imprinted
on my eyelids."

The broken umbrella was the bittersweet, deft touch of someone letting how they feel slip through in the describing of mostly inanimate objects, that you/narrator say goodnight to. It might be that thing that just always sits there that we think might still have purpose. It represents how we feel about ourselves and we protect our broken umbrellas.

There's obligation to have to go outside, which I relate, and take care of these things set up outside our living spaces for purpose like entertaining. It reminds our little place is meant to encourage gatherings. This person is alone with dog. It helps set the mood.

Very short and to the point. I can imagine many readers would connect to this, as lonely people. I think we are all lonely in some way. When we write like this, we hope another like-minded romantic (perhaps) will see and agree.

Nicely done,

Brian
Circumpolar Reviewer


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Review of After It All  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Mar Prax Author Icon,

I see a poem making an impactful point about the effect of war on a soldier, i assume. it is something that could go beyond war. I think brevity has served poetry well. I think here the writer has only a brief skirmish with the subject. this is worthy of deeper inspection, further perusal. an opportunity exists for the writer to challenger oneself, to really lay out something on these theme of drowning memory.

If it's true experience, then it would be difficult. I grapple with subjects and fail because it's too real. I'm not ready to deal. A brave writer would find something sobering in this to waken our hearts to realization of how cruel war.

One suggestion for improvement would be to replace 'they' with 'it' in second line. Thank you for sharing,

Brian


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Review of Scars  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Aur Dawn Author Icon,

I felt something at work here after reading the description line to this poem. The integral word 'diamonds' might be implied, but not revealed in the context to deliver potential impact.

I like the idea of brevity. In poetry, it can grab a reader with a deft touch. I would think the idea of tears leaving scars works better with diamonds flowing. Otherwise, the narrator would have been crying a long time.

As the creator, you know best how these tears and diamonds work together. I think it gives you an opportunity to describe more.

I think of those words as a final, sad send off to something. It feels like the end to a sad drama we've all experienced upon a time.

Brian


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Review of Longing  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Josh,

I spied this poem on the review pages and noted your poem was awarded a blue ribbon. I had to check your bio to learn more about you before offering feedback.

There is something simple and earthen at work here. You've taken three truncated statements that show progression. The narrator talks about rain falling expressively/suggestively and how the shower produces worms from the ground. That experience is then related to how the subject feels with an aching soul.

That in essence is how poetry is created. Congrats on the award and high marks. Hopefully, this adulation doesn't deter you from growing as a writer. I believe you can develop your gift here.

Brian


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Review of The Note  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Cubby Author Icon,

I read with some pleasure your mono-rhyme described as children's genre with a story of a shopping trip gone awry. It gave me a tickle to see this silly adventure unfold. I knew from the open with the intentional bad grammar we were in for a ruse.

I see this was written some time ago and edited as recently as 2019. I wondered if the author was trying to improve upon it and had some thoughts of my own. Just a casual observer and thought it would be fun to ponder the possibilities with the poem's creator.

The mono-rhyme was a good prompt but mid-way through the read I was about ready to be done with it. I think at this point it lost a little luster as words were being reused, as with boat three times, twice in successful sentences. And, it had taken on an internal rhyme to boot.

I liked the story of forgetfulness. I think adults would chuckle at this too, especially as we age and forget. I think if this person is shopping for a goat at the store and can't remember, they are awfully silly and a bit looney. I think you could add more looney to the story. Everything this person does should be odd. It would be easy to pull down a rhyming dictionary on the internet and collect a bunch of non-sensical nouns.

Now, if you're not into revising this, you could, and maybe already have, make it part of a series. Perhaps, instead of first person narration, use third and give this person a funny name as they go on all kinds of weird adventures like this. It would add the ability to describe this person, who I imagine would do well to describe themselves in first person, probably with more of a haphazard aplomb.

Prompts are great, aren't they? They set us on adventures to find our goats. You may be half way to finding gold, I feel, if you keep striving to develop this. It might require easing up on the mono-rhyme. I'm not sure. It lends to this. I just think you could add more color and silliness about this person's forgetfulness and you might find more than just a kid's audience, if you play it right.

I think of stories that parents like to read to their kids because they get it and the kids get something from it, too. A common bond or connection is formed this way and is among the most desired books nostalgically remembered in this house. I'm reminded of the intelligence and entertainment value of a Pixar movie. You don't have to aim that big, but they get their theme across to both audiences.

Best to you,

Brian
Circumpolar Reviewer


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Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
I read your article after seeing someone else had recently reviewed it and thought I'd read and possibly send feedback. I must say this is a surprising article see posted here. It's something that was on the tips of everyone's tongues for awhile, but in this day and age, most have moved on to other topics of interest. To me, it's about as dead as theories about JFK's assassination.

Your article reminds me of the National Enquirer type of stories I would see years back. It alleges information but does not provide sources or supporting evidence. Nevertheless, it is an ongoing, interesting subject matter to consider as you re-examine all the rumors, legend, folklore we've heard that have grown over time during many recounts. The truth may be lost in all the embellishments. You may want to ask why so many varied back stories and odd people come forward and not reputable folk who have the resources and desire to bring this fully to light.

Your article seems to ask or raise more questions than it answers and cites a video as evidence that may or may not still exist somewhere on the internet. You should hunt it down and link, if it is found. This is an example of what lends credibility to your article, rather than a lot of third to fourth party and beyond assertions that lack the true eyes and ears to assemble and inarguable offering of what might be best described as circumstantial evidence. Corroboration is the key in the finality.

Overall, the wow factor is there. The grammar needs to be run through a checker of some kind. I think this could read cleaner. You could focus on those assertions less aimlessly and discover each in the paragraphs, staying on point and following a progression to conclusion.

The best way to write an article like this is to make a thesis and tell how you will support it. Save the summary for the conclusion(s) you make for this. Or, the ending would be an appropriate time for all the questions. It reminds me of a lot of television episodes that do this in closing before credits. Tantalize with some folklore, mystery, items of interest and then ask your questions about what they mean.

You risk sounding like a conspiracy theorist with no true aim or focus, if you cannot directly draw lines from evidence to conclusions in an undeniable reveal/manner. Look at parts of these Roswell stories that are strongest and connect all those pieces to be the center (or breath) of the story.

Thanks for sharing this,

Brian
Circumpolar Reviewer


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Review of Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Brian K Compton Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Aur Dawn Author Icon,

This is a very nice and neatly wrapped up expression for finding home in another. It read a lot like music lyrics and has a quality to it that is melancholy and relatable to a reader such as I who dabbles in words relating loss without another to complete self or a vision sought.

In my personal opinion this is raw and could use a tighter edit, but could see it get over edited and lose some of its charm. It's the author's discretion how this poem reveals, but I'll throw a few for instances at you to see if my thoughts could coalesce with your vision for this poem.

I'll start by pasting sections of poem and showing other looks I imagined when I read this:

It was nice, it was warm
In your heart, that felt like home

Lyrical already and has a nice easy flow. I wondered at first about the use of verbs. Simple is sweet, but want to impact with each word used. Just a thought, but not anything I would necessarily suggest changes for from this point going forward as I read further, anticipating where this will flow...

Protected from rain
And from the storm
These days more
I miss my home

Words are good, maintain simplicity. But, I got tripped up a little by sentence structure affecting flow. Suggestions I suggest might differ from view of poem, but just for consideration of how I viewed.

Okay, stop. I read again and can make a case for 'these days more' that while awkward at first seem to fit flow okay. The poem is light on syllables per line and the tightness of read can make it difficult to keep this smooth. It was just three syllables on that line that got me more. Something to consider when you write is to make this dance with words last long enough to switch feet on each beat (my expression). If you move too fast or slow, the dance becomes awkward for a reader. My only concern, I suppose here.

My children might ask
Where am I from
I'll mention your name
There was my home

Here is where I would visualize this expanding to a wider audience who might not have children, but experience this emptiness the same. This line is personal to you, but I see a version uncoupling from the personal pronoun 'my' and leave 'children might ask/Where I'm from...' flipping 'am I' because I think it would flow better, despite tight read of lines.

I prefer 'I mention your name' versus 'I'll' in third line. And, 'There was my home' while effectual is somewhat awkward for me. Would 'He was my home,' be too on the nose?

I learn sometimes a little rearranging of words opens up other expressions that help the structure of a verse or poem, once re-envisioned. So, that is my suggestion for that section there.

But I chased my dreams
Started to roam
Got lost on the road
Far away from home

Good. Keep it. It fits lyrically as a song, matches the simple sweet-bitterness of the poem. It's a structural point in this writing where the narrator opens up the door to the experience, regret and perceived pain that we the readers can connect to. We say, Amen!

It was nice, it was warm
In your heart it felt like home

Excellent echo back to the open, your chorus. This brings full circle the opening reflection and re-explains what a reader might have been fuzzy about, what we experienced, felt and shared along the way in a very brief and poignant poem.

If I were writing something like this, I would overwork it until the bones of the thing weren't as good anymore. I would be trying to reach for words and expressions that would intone deeper meaning, the hardest lessons. This poem proves you don't need to be verbose, can be direct with easy expressions sweet to taste.

I think the poem invokes what touchstone represents. We can all connect with it and have these feelings of our own that while not the same are similar from experience, our humanity shared.

Well done and thanks for sharing,

Brian
Circumpolar Reviewer


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