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2,806 Public Reviews Given
3,474 Total Reviews Given
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True algorithm ia in response from the reviewed. Honed craft over 17 years. I see the good, with an eye to potential. Will never be/play authority of someone else’s words. That’s left to the master of the work. The artist has the vision; I just react/review, illuminate a fuller perspective to overcome challenges faced with those words. I see responses my reviews as affirming. *has references*
 
To see how I review, my feedback is public. Reviews can be set up through email. This page is limiting. *Smile* I accept review credits if I deserve rank. I accept merit badges as recognition, to be earned not bought…my opinion. I buy to support friends to maintain my shadowed equivalency, not pad. I have low vision, ADHD. it’s tripped me up. I dust off, get back in the game.
I'm good at...
Poetry, psychoanalysis. Ideas and notions on publishing process. I encourage writers with my reviews, look for strengths and give direction on how to make something better. I continue to correspond those who approach, when more to offer. I see what drives, use experience and the overarching mind, connect where each individual’s art derives. Hope to opine where it could take them with their craft. Like to believe, sometimes, before the writer knows themself.
Favorite Genres
nature, love, psychological, spiritual, inspirational, epiphany, emotional, drama, human interest, science, conspiracy, dystopian, fatalistic, speculative. Not cookie cutter fantasy realms or choose your adventure. Action/adventure. Unique, surprise.
Least Favorite Genres
Horror, fan fiction, some fantasy and sci-fi, or anything Lord of the Rings/Game of Thrones-ish.
Favorite Item Types
poetry, short story, essay/opinion/blog
I will not review...
I’m happy receive an email to discuss first. I set this to receive 9k. WDC gets the rest. No page here I know of to collectively or categorically see, compare reviewers for hire. That might be a worthy tool.
Public Reviews
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551
551
Review of Letters  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Here is a poem full of promise, but I found the lines so long that it was difficult to read and fully appreciate. So I want to demonstrate hear how you can break up the lines and make the flow better for a reader:

Dandelions mist, of feathers I will blow.
A drop of honey will change it’s color, under the wings of Lady Magdalen’s crow.
A movement in echo, your ripple promises of broken trails,
where is my channel, a desert of dying river sails.
Branches of olives, you keep on growing,
yesterday’s song, clouds today’s mourning.
Are you thinking twice? My broken heart's window is open,
letting in a the flies, tomorrow’s heartache, a deceiving serpent.
You draw curtains of potent demise,
has your wise one left? All covered in lies.
You are stuck, and no one is home.
Where is my door? Stepped upon your palm and throne.
Unveiling lips, you better think twice.
Sometimes you walk, sink if he tries.
Has your marble glass broken, no other face you can find?
Has your golden arrow fallen, pierced through your mind?
Break the vine, friend is no one to time. Do you choose to be kind,
to the person who plays with your mind?
Will you step out of line and tell mother Earth that God has chosen a time?
We will meet in the east, feast and dine.
Puppets will mirror the strings and signs, will no one realize we are all mimes?
He will stop smiling when we are all laughing,
ceilings are gone, you hear no one humming.
Will you die my friend, your troubled says mind at end?
Do you know your date oh friend, slipping chance into his hands?
Will your tongue taste fate, or will you whisper “God, checkmate.

Caught an error..."letting in a the flies..."
Think you meant, all the flies.

You're rhyme scheme was inconsistent. The meter was not really there. Now about the content of the poem and what this is about...

I would say too many metaphors that dont coalesce with theme. I liked how poem opened and the way languages was constructed in a more renaissance era. However, beyond questions about what sounds like a love triangle and what (she/he) is deciding about the third party was all I could devise. If this is either jilted lover or lover in waiting, I'm not sure. It might not even be that. But, the narration is obsessive and unknowing and needs resolve. I would see these words as part of a scene from a Shakespearean play.

God luck to you on this,

Brian


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552
552
Review of Autumn as a Child  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Sharmelle,

I thought I would experience some of your writing tonight and do a review of your poem for my group, the WDC Angel Army. There's a lot of good content in this poem that is relatable to mothers or a family audience. I wonder if form constrains the expression you so richly reveal.

You call this poem free form but have a rhyming scheme. But I would reimagine this with words that shake out and tumble in expressions of those poignant moments. The poem could use a declarative statement to get it started. It's about the willow. You could say something like, 'I could only watch them, because I could not climb the willow.'

It's fun because you tease a reader into wondering, why is that? It could be a poem about how you wish you could do more with them. It could be about them gaining confidence, independence, the warm feeling of watching them discover or having fun on their own. All important for a child's development, as well as parent.

I also trim language when I write. Notice I said willow, instead of adding tree. It's descriptive enough, but if there is the need to repeat the object they climb, then you can say tree. Or have fun and describe it as large, viney mushroom or personify as a green, hairy, man of shade.

Alice in Wonderland is a theme being explored here this month. The girl in the story dreamed surreal things, like dreams often are. You could explore more with dreamlike thoughts and language. We adults can tap into child like imagination and wonder about how they see, interact with their world. Imagination is good. Your poems could be written for children, too.

Would like more descriptions with leave piles, with inventive leaps...like divers doing belly flops? I'd like to visualize that baseball game more. Maybe, a separate poem for another day on how it was played.

And you came up with a great description at the end: 'at an autumnly pace.' Yes, great way to soak in the last days of fall. That's a keeper. More expressions. That looked like it came from a writer inspired by the subject through the writing process.

Nice work!

Brian

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553
553
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I read this through several times and sadly it did not reveal to me as the title and description line describe.

I'm intrigued by the use of words like zeros or Plymouth Rock, or even, milestone planet. It doesn't read like a poem about sports in general or specific, but about earth ecology, if I were to assemble these words cohesively...to the best of my ability.

It's okay to use plainer more direct image to describe what unfolds here. You want this poem thematically sound. The metaphors are not working with one another. If you look at your adjectives and their meanings, they seem misplaced where readers need be informed.

You have good rhyme and meter and $10 words, but the message is overlooked in this word meal. You should really be thinking about the description line as your topic sentence and more keenly focus on your subject.

You're nailing the sound of poetry. I see work needs to be done with the rest. Consider other forms of poetry that stress simplicity like haiku and tanka. Something boiled down that requires discipline and message. Just as an exercise to help you develop focus for message.

Just some thoughts.

Brian


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554
554
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Tim,

You are one with the traditional poetry, your forte. Within your worthy poem about love everlasting are some ordinary words that do not move this reader. Words like 'neat' and 'situation,' which do little to describe or intone a romantic message.

This poem lacks central character or symbol of love to focus on. The attempt to use metaphors to describe love usually are used in this situation. I like what you are attempting, except that it lacks focus on message.

I would check your punctuation in the first two lines that run together, and I don't think you meant to do that. When you referred to Cupid's bow, I don't think you want to refer to it as 'stricken' but as something that strikes. Which would mean, you need the intended target included in this.

The second stanza is too vague and cryptic. Very little goes on with description, imagery or metaphor so we can understand what the poet is implying here.

In the final verse I believe you need to end the first line with a comma. After that, it becomes vague and cryptic again and I'm not sure why you ended with three periods. Employing the word "neat" is what makes it the hardest to understand.

Writing rhyming poetry that doesn't function isn't appealing if you do not supply the proper message. You can sound lyrical and sweet but it's not enough to eat for a reader who wants.

I've always felt your poems have that traditional flavor and unique voice. I want to know what inspires the poet to pen these odes to get the fullest appreciation.

B


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555
555
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

Sounds like hashing out the idea of a comparative poem about humans like fire. It seemed at outset it was what you were trying to accomplish. As you hash over notions, it becomes narrative prose or monologue. You might want to reassess what you want here.

You could personify fire in poem and have a striking ending revealing how a destructive human has choice and is more destructive than fire. You could have a poem that witnesses humans as fire who can also instruct fire to destroy. Lots to play with there.

It might be too large of an undertaking if you cannot show, describe or allude in imagery the comparatives. Fan those flames, light the embers, see it rage an inferno. But, it's a great idea for a poem and solid insight/introspection.

Brian


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556
556
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Some great expressions describe longing to return to New Orleans. You describe it like a woman, but descriptions arrive at dirty. Though, it doesn't seem a stretch of a metaphor for a place like that.

It's a personal piece, but would have expected more succinct descriptions: a street, a place, etc. Left with a little mystery of what washed you away (rain reference) ... a flood/hurricane? That expression could have been better. Also, not "Till" but the contracted...um...retracted? Anyway, until or 'Til.

Otherwise, I like the charm and feel of nostalgic reflection.


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557
557
Review of Strive. Exceed.  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Here I have found a short poem that offers advice for life and love with its terse and repeated expression for affect.

Misuse of 'alot,' which really isn't a word. Should be always, ' a lot.' When I see how you turn the first three, um, lines? Stanzas? The fourth deviates, but should do the same. I would expect a word related to love to show how to give love. Just to stay consistent.

This reads more like idioms rather than poetry. It really could explore more within the lines, give context to why these four examples. Some tired language, using words like it or alot. Inspire, if your going to preach to a choir of readers/writers...poets.

I think it's a smart piece that needs more attention, focus or just move on.


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558
558
Review of Flowers  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This poem is simply a play on what we all learned from childhood when deflowering flowers.. I read expecting something unique might happen or at least a satisfying conclusion.

It's safe to say the writer is experimenting here, but the write lacked in originality. I think it's okay to borrow from the old 'he loves me, he loves me not' but not if is the entireity of poem...or finds a fresh direction.

I think borrowing from this theme should be more of an aside, one allusion in a spectrum to decide if love is true. We know the flower doesn't decide any more than fate. Plug it into some larger formula...or make comparative.

I did enjoy the line, "The 'He loves me petal' is surely sought." This poem had good rhyme and meter. I would think this is worthy to pursue and give another look to reconstruct in a larger spectrum about how it came down to plucking petals from a flower.

Good luck,

Brian


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559
559
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (3.0)
The poet has a feel for how language sounds but stretches the definition of what words mean. There is some rich words in this poem highlighted by some alliteration. Unfortunately, it's forced, causing me to wonder if this offering has any meaning.

I gather this is about the purpose of life, how crudely lived. It's irony in a poem that uses striking, elegant language. Unfortunately, again, poetic license cannot confirm the expressions created, especially the title that is also the ending line of the poem. Tingling taste = touch? Not connecting here.

I think this is a great exercise in writing beautifully. I think theme and message need attention,

B


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560
560
Review of The Unknown  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a person who walks through life as if being followed by death. They seem a warrior. The tone feels medieval fantasy with torches and razor's edge, death and fighting.

There are sentence and structural fragments throughout. It would help statements to remove punctuation and use proper line breaks for added emphasis on key phrases. Some of the capitalization seemed unnecessary except for Death and Razor's Edge.

Poem needs breaks or another structure to help with dense read, give pauses where needed. This warrior does feel piteous, less than brave. Just going through motions somewhat calculated (cold logic), but lifeless (like already dead). Wasn't sure this narrative held true. Almost sounds a martyr, yet not old...in respects to death.

Inconsistent message, but appreciate tone and setting. Maybe, more descriptive to give us a visage of this person: dress (armor, weapons), surroundings (swamps, castles, what?), any battles?

Just thoughts to develop more.

Brian


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561
561
Review of Loving A Friend  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Unrequited love can make for special poetry. I feel the frustration of loving another who has the narrator in friend zone. Pure agony!

Sort of like a sonnet, though not in the Shakespearean sense. There is a lot of tired or cliche language here you could spruce up. '...have her by my side...reel her in...no way that I can win...take what I can get..." It's almost sports metaphors. Not poetic enough.

I also got an odd feel for 'lace lips,' to describe, which is not smooth but patterned fabric. Could it be silk or satin you are looking for? But why fear the lips? Seems like a taste could mark the beginning of what's desired.

I'd like to see setting, encounters, events that cause the misery. Too much telling how you feel and not showing what about her attracts and causes this agony. Readers appreciate story within the rhyme...and season with a little meter will make it fine.

B


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562
562
Review of I WOULD RATHER  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear bLackSphere77 ,

I'm reviewing your poem on behalf of the WDC Angel Army.

I got to the last two lines of this poem and felt something at work there. The first part of the poem flipping statements of would you rather didn't speak to me the way those last lines did.

Instead of just asking random questions with no answer, meditate on the expression of that flower and 'will you make me the center of you...' beautiful expression for wanting to be the center of someone's universe.

I like the notion of that flower and being supported by another. Two as one. The metaphors relating to this kind of relationship sing to me. Take those last two lines and make a poem out of that.

Sometimes when we start writing randomly, words flow to places the mind's eye can see. Keep exploring those feelings and who they're for and implore, implore, implore to give us more. More striking expressions with metaphors and you'll have hearts singing your praises.

Just write on and don't give up,

Brian

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563
563
Review of Vengence  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I think this is an uplifting poem for anyone who has been made small by another.

I know the ground here is a metaphor, but I can't help thinking of someone who has been physically abused. I don't know if the final line should sound like revenge. Perhaps, I'm reading too much into that.

This is about not letting someone have so much control they can emotionally abuse another, the narrator, who goes through a process of being at their weakest moment to catapult themself into a position of self-empowerment. Its a great message.

There's not too much descriptive at work here. It's a poem packed with a powerful message following humiliation to get off ones knees and stop being a doormat for another. It feels like a relationship, less than a friend. But, sometimes we do let friends hurt/humiliate us like that.

This narrator also supposes that abuser will be back for more, thus preparing for retribution. Not sure if I read vengeance. But, I believe the atonement comes from being an immovable force. That this abuser will hurt themselves trying to repeat.

So, I can approve. Kudos.

Brian


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564
564
Review of Grieving Solitary  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very deep and very intense narrative for a poem that intones ominous with some grief, which we cannot know. Using the desert, almost personified, as a comparative for this narrator is remarkable in it's adaptation.

Most brilliant section:

I note the stubborn emergence of lone shrubs and
tufts of grass that took a chance
and sprouted hopefully
after the last of nature's pity rained down-
now scorched and dead for daring to dream...

I wish the rest of the poem could match this. Great to consume with the reading eye..

I'm not sure how to feel about this person in the aftermath of something. Are they just being overdramatic comes to mind. It's hard to have anything more than pity for one who self-describes as apathetic.

Fantastic descriptions, tone/mood and setting. I liked the feel of this overall.

Brian


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565
565
Review of Beloved  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear peachmetaphor ,

I'm reviewing this poem as a member of the WDC Angel Army.

I enjoyed the voice you've created for this poem; it's tone and a kind of imaginary setting feels something of fantasy. I imagine these two characters depicted are half human, half beast...to my imagination as I read. Though, it seems this person seems more like a hunter or stalker obsessing over the one whose name he does not know (like a love interest)...but describes as intrinsically linked somehow.

There is some very impassioned dialogue and some good, useful metaphors. It felt like a stretch, however, to use a cocoon metaphor within an already surrealistic scene. I would focus on what feels true in this fantasy like genre poem. Staying focused on central theme will not lose a reader.

There's no real structure to this, which reads more like prose. It lacks the quality of free verse because it doesn't toy with sounds, rhythm or line breaks to enhance narrative style. Language is flowery and beautiful descriptions in some places that capture a reader.

For the most part, well done. I see potential with this. I like this better for the open setting of some monologue to start a short story or more. There's uniquity to my reading eye. I would try to describe with more detail place and characters...flesh out more. Have fun with it...worthy.

Brian

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566
566
Review of Tumble  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

I thought this poem had a pretty nice start with the traditional rhyme scheme but it seemed to go sideways before leaving a reader wondering at the end.

There was a bit of imagery with what was thought a wall that crumbles. It sort of works, but we're told at end it wasn't a wall. What was it? I think a moral would be good to finish that thought.

Wasn't sure about "powders, words and potions" to rhyme with 'motions.' It feels like ithis poem was free associating words to force rhymes with no thought out intent. That's okay, it just needs the poet to go back and fix structure and give truer meaning before making public for consumption...unless looking for ideas how to make something from this. No ideas on that.

It's a bit preachy because it tells instead of shows, would rather poem demonstrate ways world on wrong path...headed for hell.

Brian


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567
567
Review of Only an Inch  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (5.0)
"Only an Inch"  [E]
This is an interesting expression within a comparative about a relationship that may have gotten a bit more space...perhaps not physically.

Are we describing a co-dependent relationship where the subject in question has put some distance between the two? If so, seems like an unreasonable statement. But, if this is about two who were connected spiritually of the mind, something changed in the dynamic.

It's interesting to note the narration and words chosen in this small format to ponder why this feeling of uncoupling is so great. They were as one, but space happens it's unknown why it's needed. The two who were sympatico perhaps lost that oneness.p somehow. One person changed. At least, one perceptibly.

When you talk about distance, it's about minds. They could be sitting next to one another not communicating. Perhaps, indifference, a fight, a new interest? Whatever it is, feels like the narrator doesn't know.

Well done,

Brian


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568
568
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Melizabeth ,

I'm reviewing your poem as a member of the WDC Angel Army.

I enjoyed the feel for this sentimental write with its nostalgic romance to be one with music again. It hesistatingly toys with the notion to linger with the idea of producing music again through repeated lines, like you don't want to leave the scene. That shows some psychology behind the write.

Let me suggest some things going somewhat line by line or section by section. Not necessarily suggesting stanzas, but natural breaks in text would make for a more appreciable read.

The opening to this very tight, long stanza begins:

I remember
the caress of the
notes flittering about
the air....

I think of the informal expression 'flittering' and thought why not fluttering, which is more vision invoked than the seldom used word. I would suggest remove some text to tighten, as the repeated 'the' slows a disconnected read, and maybe have it say...

"the caress of notes/fluttering about air/staggering..."

Perhaps, a new stanza starts as:

first awkward notes...

Then:

slow-coming;
the headaches of theory
clenching at my skull;
desire grasping now
to live each beat over again,
once again.

A stanza break, give reader pause to consider briefly before:

My fingers itch to introduce
that familiar, ethereal echo
into the world
just one last time... (good section)

But I must go-
I must leave;
I must continue on my way. (Dragging out for effect?)

White ivory, black as night, (this I question. Could say worn black? Unless expression, then needs work.)
worn wood smooth to (ivory not wood unless it's not, this confuses what's described. Change 'to' to 'from' at end?)
my gentle touch.... (some stanzas are needed, if we are pausing, hesitating over this scene.)

I turn off the light, ( 'Turn' a dull verb.)
leave the beauty
behind closed doors
in the room, now dark,
though the whispers of
yesterday's tune
follow eternally in memory
of that goodbye.

Here again, I suggest adding to line length, emphasis on good words to finish line while removing an extra 'the' here and there that are taking away from the beautiful words you chose and dull pace of read.

I think other questions unanswered here: why are we not diving into those keys? Rusty, reverence, fear? Why must leave? You can see desire to play, what's stopping it? Music theory headache??

This is a very good piece of writing that has promise with a little tuning up (pun intended).

Brian

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569
569
Review of Glory Daze  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Cheri,

This was a pretty impressive effort using music band names as prompts to construct a cohesive poem that doesn't seemed forced or fall apart.

The capitalized names were either consistently needed or dropped to lower case to make cohesive. Perhaps, use of pointer sisters was too on money. Some prompts, like 'glory days' sounded like song titles. I would think the more knowable the group, the more pleasing to readers as they stumble upon hidden gems.

Well done,

B


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570
570
Review of Last Hurt  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Ida_Matilda_Wright Help ,

I'm reviewing you on behalf of the WDC Angel Army.

This was very sad to read. Taking a story and setting to poem takes courage and effort. Since it is very personal, I don't feel it is the type you edit or try improve. This is just the beginning of something.

My feeling is writing helps deal with psychological issues that need definition/shaping. You set out to tell something very complex and personal. It is very easy to iunderstand and follow. This is essentially rhyming prose.

Now that you have been through this process, what's the next step with your writing? Do you get deeper into this subject matter? If so, I can suggest ways how. I can suggest approaches to taking key passages of this poem, breaking it into several poems relating specifics that you have wrestled with here. I'll list:

1- manipulation of the daughter (used against you), can describe details, how it made you feel, related custody issues and lacking control

2- stanza about the boys. Flesh it out, how it's custody related, concerns about their well being in helpless situation

3- I'm getting lost custody here and how it impacts you emotionally. The little moments of helplessness collected over time and how it is affecting sanity...but upside causing you to put faith in God.

4- faith in god, a positive poem where you can sound positive in situations that would otherwise leave you feeling helpless. Need to see coping methods.

There are more. What I'm looking for is not telling like a story. Come strong with descriptive, transcendent events. Show some ominous events, tease with the mystery of your unknowing. Describe what's going on with you when you receive news, how does it alter your reality. Did you stop doing something, did you think about hopping in a car to go see them? You could show anxiety over distance apart. The feeling about a girl brainwashed who loved and trusted you as a child. How that relationship altered needs mending.

I don't even get a feel for role of the step mother.

I support your endeavor to write through this. I've said the writing process makes me feel like I have an understanding friend. It's probably why you thought of God at end. You are finding strength through faith because the pen and paper helped you there.

I would research and learn about custody battles and spiteful spouses to gain greater perspective during this process. Great way to get upper hand, know what to expect, if anything.

One typo in fifth stanza, last line, should read 'turning this mother's heart...' That's about all I have. Be brave. This write is brave. Whatever you can do for your kids despite the obstacles, bless the parent.

Brian
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571
571
Review of Home  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Steven ,

I was happy to have you review something of mine and am visiting your writing as a member of WDC Angel Army to return the favor.

This poem gave me so many feelings associated to how I perceived leaving home to live my own life in some crumby apartment eons ago. And just recently, my son enrolled in college over two hours away. I'm connected through him and your poem with its simply stated structure about how unnatural this new life feels.

What's inspiring is the ending with this belief of adapting, the sensibility. Even more sensible, whether a partnership with another will help fortify the vision. It's more than the beginning of something, it's life altering. Having dreams of home life is an awakening from the brain that your life drastically changed. Must be brains (not as smart as they seem) are trying to decompress all these new computations and how it misses home and security while grasping the new life you've endeavored.

All very relatable, and appreciable. A good write.

Brian

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572
572
Review of In Rememberance  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Detective ,

I'm reviewing you as a member of WDC Angel Army.

This was very poignant and effective poem that works on sensory to evoke memories through a kind of meditation. The double spacing threw me off a bit. I think the text needs to be tighter with editing with focus on subject to help a reader.

I had to look this over line by line, because I see opportunities, yet it might be difficult to make edits other than to remove some passive voice and get more active with verbs, helping transition through meditations to memories revealed and shared. I'll try to go line by line. Hope it's not overwhelming, mostly just thoughts with suggestions for edits.

~START POEM ~
"The candle burns and burns
As the smell of cider fills the silence in between
It burns and the flame flickers, flickers, flickers
In the cool October night

I watch it burn until the candle is no longer solid
(The above line could be more descriptive, describe no longer solid, or say the candle sloughs into a pool of red liquid wax , because it might seem redundant.)
But just a pool of red liquid wax
And (As) apple cider fills the air

Thinking of days and years gone by and of those yet to come ('Thinking not as compelling as most verbs here)
Thinking of holidays and birthdays celebrated
And of those not yet celebrated
Of candles lit and melted and of candles not yet lit

Of apple cider and thunderstorm and Midsummer's night (singular or plural storm/night?)
Of Arsenic and Old Lace and rear windows (Hitchcock movies?) (Rear Windows?)
Of books read and pages turned and pages left unturned and stories untold ( Easier to say 'turning the pages of books read...and the unturned pages of stories unread?)
Of sweet salt air and waves crashing on the rocks

Of lighthouses casting a light out to see to guide the sailors on
Of songs sung and songs unsung (very sing-songy, this and all word repetition and reversed phrases)
Of words unspoken when they (that) should be said
Of words said (spoken) when they (that) should remain silent

I sit and watch the candle burn and think (sounds like candle think)
I watch and think but more importantly I remember (redundant use of think, only one reference to I needed)
I remember in thoughts and deeds, in words and actions (I'm sure repeated words like watch, think, remember drive the poem, but are ordinary words. You want to create a cadence, try more striking verbs.)

I remember the knight errant of yore riding off to face the dragon (this reference not found previous reminds you need a central metaphor, theme about this reverie, is it about literature/books? It would help to intone a central message.)
Cowboys riding off into a thousand burning sunsets
Worlds hidden behind doors and within the walls of blanket forts
Wizards and wonder and counting stars in the night sky (I like all of this to come earlier in poem to show us what you think, remember about. This weightier and lends more to poem.)

Turning the radio up when a song comes on and you just know it’s yours
Dancing in the front seat, (how do you do this?) not like no one’s watching but because you don't care if anyone is
But mostly I remember (this sticks out with no connection to anything.)
And that's enough (be)cause that'll do when the pain lessens and the scar heals (did I miss something here?)

I remember because the best thing in the world is to be remembered and to be remembered well
So I'll remember the songs sung and the roads travelled (traveled with one L)
The stories told and poems read
Flowers grown and new-fallen snows

But mostly, I'll remember so that nothing will ever be forgot" (forgotten?)
~END POEM~

There is so much at work in this poem, it would help to focus on how the candle plays a role inducing memories and give structure to what is revealed. Putting an entire lifetime into one poem is messy and unfocused. I like the section that refers to knights and cowboys and blanket forts best. There is a nostalgic dreariness when connected to books and connect to story nights and events that intoned those feelings.

You could almost flip the poem after candle introduction. Really, candle should be new and solid at start of poem and melted by poem's end if you want to show time elapsing/life lived with all these memories.

Good Luck,

Brian

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573
Review of For Shaina  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear Poet,

The tragedy that inspired this poem must have been difficult to write about. In context, a reader might see this poem in a different light. This turns from such a sad ending into inconsolable heartache.

Perhaps, if past tense for the father's tuck in of the son, it might have changed the tone? I know the ending is blunt, because it is sudden...but it doesn't enlighten enough. Unless, wait...is the narrator thinking about the friend who lost her husband? She and spouse tuck in their own? Something to make that more obvious would help.

Really difficult with poetry so close to home. We write because we want to make sense of cruel life. But, whatever inspires us to keep writing through doubt, tragedy, mystery for circumstances we cannot comprehend, we grow. Perhaps, separate from the tragedy stronger.

I applaud the effort.

Brian


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574
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Michael Rose🏳️‍🌈 ,

I'm reviewing you as a member of WDC Angel Army.

I was struck by the title of this poem and wanted see how it would reveal. The impressions you share are very relatable, remind how moving a sunset could be. It stands on its own merit for descriptiveness and some emotion. I can see it there on the surface of it.

I might have some suggestions when you approach a beautiful moment like this and want to capture its essence. First, is to remember you're in the moment and there is a progression of events. This is part of the editing process after getting it all down. Does it sequence correctly? At the end you have the world is monochrome again before mentioning the golden leaf of a statue (nice) fading. Could the lines reverse order?

I would fall in love with the rhyming sound of 'creases' and 'ceases', but could better description for the figurative end of the day be used there? How is the silence connected to the narrative voice? We find out a little in second stanza looking forward to a new day.

It wouldn't hurt to depict where this vantage point is...the bus and maybe a clue why this dreamy recitation of a moving sunset. Bad day, ready for new? Is there something that could be illustrated without telling why narrator is so moved.

I don't know if you intended to get heavy-handed with four consecutive lines beginning with 'the' but as free verse goes it didn't punctuate the read. But, I really enjoyed what was happening in that last verse. I like the feeling of the day slipping away. Sunsets are luminescent, paint a landscape in colors seldom seen. Describing colors would be a better pursuit, like describing pinks as flamingo rays or gold as marigold coin (sun), for instance.

We assume poetry operates on a higher plane of understanding, wanting to share some knowable/perceived mystery of life/nature. I think you are reaching it here. Your voice and line lengths really gave a nice feel to the read. If you do want to revisit this, make alterations, or create something new. I'm all in and would love to see more.

Brian

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Review of Pain  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I love, love, love the description line to inspire the write of this poem. It shows depth and a desire to reflect on the quote from a great mind.

What you are developing here is your voice. I scan through the lines to see what was strongest and most sobering thought, "I wish I could give in to the willful ignorance that I see so many others engage." It sets a tone. You look at yourself and compare to actions of others to discover true reality, morality. You have to be yourself, own who you are.

I felt your poem could have been more succinct. It could use editing to tighten up and deliver more profoundly your message. You could employ a unique poetic device in this process...by losing references to self as the poem progresses. A good challenge would be to remove the 'I' as you reveal the self-assured individual emerging.

I take low-esteem as a reason to reiterate Self often. As we become confident, we don't focus on internal as much, but external...almost as if removing ourself, removing the introspection to see external forces. You could do this as the poem builds toward self-assuredness.

What I would also like to see is taking a cue from Nietzsche and show that ascension to star. It could be the same metaphor, or one of your own. If you are more descriptive with less showing, your words can visually stun. Poetry is expression, setting oneself apart from ordinary language. As an example, I like to draw from nature. It could encompass anything we relate with from a tree to its leaves, from the moon rise to a sunset. We identify with nature's creatures, the seasons, the metamorphosis of butterflies. So many comparatives to capture the essence of your profound words.

I'm sure you've been exposed to great writing. Read, harness the inner feelings and write to see if you can emulate those feelings.

You are a deeply connected person who can use literature to give greater expressions to your emotions and find other like minded writers. Keep at it. You're on the right track.

Thank you for sharing this,

Brian

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