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True algorithm ia in response from the reviewed. Honed craft over 17 years. I see the good, with an eye to potential. Will never be/play authority of someone else’s words. That’s left to the master of the work. The artist has the vision; I just react/review, illuminate a fuller perspective to overcome challenges faced with those words. I see responses my reviews as affirming. *has references*
 
To see how I review, my feedback is public. Reviews can be set up through email. This page is limiting. *Smile* I accept review credits if I deserve rank. I accept merit badges as recognition, to be earned not bought…my opinion. I buy to support friends to maintain my shadowed equivalency, not pad. I have low vision, ADHD. it’s tripped me up. I dust off, get back in the game.
I'm good at...
Poetry, psychoanalysis. Ideas and notions on publishing process. I encourage writers with my reviews, look for strengths and give direction on how to make something better. I continue to correspond those who approach, when more to offer. I see what drives, use experience and the overarching mind, connect where each individual’s art derives. Hope to opine where it could take them with their craft. Like to believe, sometimes, before the writer knows themself.
Favorite Genres
nature, love, psychological, spiritual, inspirational, epiphany, emotional, drama, human interest, science, conspiracy, dystopian, fatalistic, speculative. Not cookie cutter fantasy realms or choose your adventure. Action/adventure. Unique, surprise.
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Horror, fan fiction, some fantasy and sci-fi, or anything Lord of the Rings/Game of Thrones-ish.
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poetry, short story, essay/opinion/blog
I will not review...
I’m happy receive an email to discuss first. I set this to receive 9k. WDC gets the rest. No page here I know of to collectively or categorically see, compare reviewers for hire. That might be a worthy tool.
Public Reviews
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526
526
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Tim,

The title is unusual and the description line misleading. I'm not sure I understand poetry the way you present it. I see these Offerings of yours that are auto-rewarded and assume you need feedback. I can tell you that you are missing the mark here. This didn't seem like a poem about a couple as you described. The ending made me feel like it was about getting a girl after proving oneself a worthy sports warrior.

There are odd expressions throughout, like the ending, "How we are joined in the game's precious teach." Can I assume English is not your first language? It's okay if you are trying to master the language through poetry. I would say learn parts of speech...what's a noun, verb, adjective, etc. Look up to see if they can be used how displayed. It is true that the rules for words, sentence structure gets abandoned by poets trying to create unique expressions. I would say this is more of a mishandling.

I would also strive for a simpler structure and add these Classes of words appropriately, as a process to learning how to create expression. You should want to use poetic devices, keep metaphor and subject on topic. I'll say this much, you manage to avoid cliche language, which makes me feel you weren't exposed to it like typical North Americans, so you got that going for you.

Just keep your theme simple and true, so the expressionscand words chosen can relate to one another. You tend to stray within story because...your vocabulary is limited and therefor e grasp of it limited. You may be overshooting a bit. Read poets with more concrete (expression) language and maybe someone like Hemingway. Draw off their draft (expression) to see if that will rub off (expression) on your writing.

I don't want to say too much more. Poetry is experience, a romance with words. Handle delicately, with love. Take from seed and nurture then watch grow. See, simple metaphors like love and gardening, as expressions, for instance.

That's all,

B


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527
527
Review of Struggle  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (3.0)

A poem of remorse with power and impact as it moves through its progressions to conclusion. It's unfortunate we as readers must struggle through that pained rhyme scheme at start to get to the good stuff.

A poem has to start somewhere. I believe the editing process is a tough one, especially moved past your inspiration and initial creation of the thing. Can a writer get the feeling again? I believe so, as with anything. You just have to just start and eventually, the mind will be ready to go to work on it again.

For me, this editing process would be to skip through the first four lines, or so, and concentrate on the meat of this poem. You do well to depict emotion and relation to god and the weakness to follow blindly in faith...certain disconnect. But, not addressing your intended message here and speaking to form and structure...Throw away that tight-light rhyme at open and try writing without it. Once you have what you're describing what you're trying to lead up to, you can revisit the traditional form again. Write, edit, rewrite and repeat. It's a process. Cup of coffee, clear head, quiet, repeat, as well. Whatever works to concentrate.

Sometimes, I salvage the best part of a poem and try to frame it in something else/new. It's like trimming fat and stuffing the bird...or thing that has fat. Pork?

You might create something better and more powerful by doing this.

Good luck,

B


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528
528
Review of Dream Catcher  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (3.5)
"Dream Catcher"  must have been a suggested poem structure for group activity like contest. This must have been difficult to craft as some lines suggest either through awkward expression or length of lines while syllabizing.

After, "A dreamer, I thought you could flip lines three and four, but how to fix this add a syllable to each line of poem scheme, forming triangle by end. Hmm. Maybe:

"I have always
been searching for..."


Next line repeats dream and wondered if you could explore some similar expression without redundancy. Break out the thesaurus...improve language...

"...pursue the vision
been yearning to perceive..."


And so on, until...

A

Dreamer

I have always
been searching for

Pursuing a dream
I am yearning to see

Hope will be my only guide
Believing dreams weren’t meant to die

Inspiration   kindled  --  faith  and  prayer
Belief   of the dream  is the catcher’s  snare


Look any better? More like a Christmas tree, huh? Difficult task. Like puzzling meets shape poetry.

B


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529
529
Review of For Love of Life  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Although technically flawed in some respects, I found a delightful read. This poem could use improvements, which I shall suggest.

That first line will trip a reader up...

"For love of life, and love, and beauty fair..."

See the double use of love in that line? That's going to stop most readers in their tracks. Hard to get to the rest if you do not address this.

And here, you need to give your hyphens more breathing space or less help, where commas aren't needed after...

"...And gentle ways-I dedicate this verse...
...This simple hope, this fervent-written prayer...
...A way to mend our differences,-to care..."

pace yourself, too. Come up for air. Yes, thoughts connect but a poem does not have be a run on sentence. Not sure I saw a period before end. So, let's break it up...with repairs...

For (care) of life, and love, and beauty fair,
Which reigns within the heart of those who seek,
Nothing but truth, and in that spirit, share
The subtle language of the soul in meek.
In gentle ways, I dedicate this verse.
For through our basic needs and suffering,
We are of like accord. And, tho' the curse
Of cruel hate is strong in hearts, I bring
This simple hope, this fervent-written prayer --
That we might join our hearts with faith to find
A way to mend our differences -- to care
For one another's needs with quiet minds.
Might we bridge that gap the self has made,
And be as one -- enlightened and unafraid.

Now, an impassioned speech doesn't necessarily need to come up for air, if orated. Could be a scene from a play. In this case, you have a document that has to be read alone inside the mind and may need some places to stop and rest from long and winding lines with twined words. The suggested edits don't necessarily hold. Didn't notice, was this a sonnett? Saw some meter, suspect rhyme scheme not consistent but almost there...anyway...

Eloquent, thanks for sharing,

Brian


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530
530
Review of My Crutch  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (5.0)

This is a poem about getting back in the good graces of...oh, you thought god...no, oneself. There is a little psychology at work in this poem and because it is so real it can't help but be revealed.

People wind up in abusive relationships because they don't respect or love themselves enough. The narrator talks about being owned by another who causes pain and strife and need to set theirself from and surround theirself with something better.

But, before we get there, a slip is made. Acknowledging the world made this one the way they are. Last I checked, we basically get the same education, except we run in different circles. Anyone is capable of being in an unhealthy relationship. The flaw is blaming others and choosing god and thinking getting on a path to redemption is the key. It's just one part.

The key is learning to love oneself, accept the baggage and stating needs to people in our lives. People in this situation put others on the spot to torture, abuse us the way we are accustomed. Maybe, we feed too much into drama that is not there...empty without...maybe empty and bored with ourselves.

This is an opportunity for self-actualization. You can't run from the past, others or self and into the arms of god until you are ready. Redemption for the wicked includes those who have been afflicted and did not stand up for themselves.

This is an extraordinary moment of reckoning and an opportunity to change and have fulfillment within an enriched goal in life...to find salvation.

Great share,

B


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531
531
Review of Endless War  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Good use of symbolism I feel that leant to the theme of your poem with that golden sword. It's unknowable what it fully represents, but it's been denied the poem's narrator. I feel it is connected to dreams that also aren't fully explored here.

I saw a structure unfold with opening lines being repeated at end. I think it needs to be better expressed and removed of cliches like 'shattered glass.' Think, what kind of glass...stained, window to room, a vase or other ceramic...all kinds of visuals that lend to theme metaphorically can give so much more weight to this poem.

Psychologically, we need to dive into this character. Why are they being dominated by another, that has the upper hand. Is this renaissance or fantasy genre, and what is the war categorization specifically?

If you leave a reader with a lot of suggestions, then you haven't completed the task of completing this poem to its best ability. There's much more I could cover, but that's enough to start with. Most people don't rewrite their old works anyway, but just move on to another after lessons learned.

B


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532
532
Review of Keep it real  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (4.0)
As I read it, this is a 'how to' or self-help poem, advising a reader on wise choices to make in life.

Poetry comes in many forms; this style reminds of a sort of olden day convention that used to instruct people in high-minded ways. Through government, your school or church, something rhymy always got us in the mood to learn our commandments.

I don't think this sounds preachy in it's attempt to be sage. I think poetry can inform in a multiple ways, the least of which is telling people directly what you mean. Usually, poems imply, cleverly hide some clue, underlying meaning. It shows us a message we can decode and apply. It might make the process more consuming for those who want to be challenged and gifted with reward of discovery, rather than examining that thing plain upon the face.

Though, you too have to consider the intended audience. Are they under ten and likely to read a poem like this? For whatever reason, it's a nice work with applicable sentiment.

B


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533
533
Review of As You Go Away  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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This poem is full of beautiful sentiment, stuff of sympathy cards. It keeps the expressions simple, knowable for common readers. We're not creating high art here but simple reality.

Obvious religious reference to meeting again in heaven and angels. I think 'your song we still can hear' is like legacy, memories that we keep, unforgettable. 'Music for our souls rings in all our ears' is nice way to fondly remember their gifts of love.

It ends with calm and peace, knowing there is afterlife. That we can pass the days with wonderful memories. All boiler plate stuff. It's sweet, it's innocent and a poem like this shared can warm more family and friends who feel loss from this departure.

You did good. This is what we cherish about a lost love, that when shared gives in value and meaning to the circle of people who look on fondly.

Brian


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534
534
Review of "For My Husband"  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is wonderful, loving sentiment with images showing one who is reliant on strength and gentle caring, the protective arms of a husband. It reminds me how my wife must feel when she leans into my chest for support and comfort, at times. It reminds its not words, but showing...

...As with poetry. While your message comes across clear, as if understood by the one it's meant for, it may need greater expression to be celebrated by a reader. For that we can relate. With a poem for another time, imagine how to show without telling those actions so aptly described. Maybe, directly connect to particular emotion, also articulated through imagery, metaphor or other poetic devices. Food for thought.

But this, that's just a nice poem,

B


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535
535
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
The title is provocative when paired with the text and I think it set me up to anticipate more than just a recounting of the unexpected atrocity that we still seem to be immune to centuries later as a nation.

The word that caught me was squaw. I had to wonder if it is considered derogatory, not that it would be viewed negatively in your poem. I just need to know as a matter of definition, if the word is used correctly. And here's what I found:

"The word squaw certainly has had its share of history. In researching its meaning, squaw is either offensive or historically accurate in portraying a female Indian woman. According to which historian you speak to on any given day or which link you click in a Google search, there are several theories regarding the word’s origin. Most notably negative and perhaps the most feared definition of the word is that squaw translates to vagina."

Wow. Getting back to your poem. I feel as if you're going to use that title, that you need to set the reader up to discover what this is about. Catch them off guard with a sneak attack/ gut punch, and give it a generic open so that they slowly realize that this is a part of our history with the cruel removal of Native Americans from their lands. If you didn't use a word like squaw that early and replace it with woman instead, might get the feeling of this being something closer to home, experience as an American. Then, turn tables on reader for visceral effect.

Obvious, it's old news. The subject unaddressed, or properly so, as to atonement, leaves our citizenry/government looking complacent. A write like this in modern times could be impactful, if employing a title that is meant to catch us off guard much like natives were in the poem's depiction.

B


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536
536
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Am I only person who read this anticipating a big reveal at the end that never came and feeling cheated? What's the 'one word'?

I get the feeling this is a lot of the author's free associated thoughts/feelings in one rambling discourse. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just that this is an unedited and raw piece that needs development.

Speaking to structure, there is really none. It works on a poetic level, not poetic devices but words as expressions than true meaning. There are no stanzas and it speaks directly to a reader rather than showing. You could call this a poetic monologue or a sermon, but it definitely needs to be honed to be a well-deserved read.

I cannot speak to content, as it is based on the author's opinion. There are some universal truths that are undeniable within. And, probably much of it is overstated rather than developing a cohesive argument that can sway a reader. Single topic needs focus.

Write On,

B


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537
537
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A sonnet for me is a difficult thing to critique. It's meter I don't necessarily hear, employing iambic pentameter. Just get some solid lines and some others that want to pair up notes and end lines on highs or lows incompatibly.

You do well with these: symbolism, matching a bard like write. Using the ocean as emotional setting seems fitting. Imagery is mostly cohesive with a lover's heartache. You employ a goddess who could be self-healing or belief in eternal counsel.

The poem does transition from withinside this person and then without in a cave? I think if you draw this parallel more perfect to self, theme stays consistent.

I imagine this person self-soothing through music. Though, you are crafting a person believing in something more divine and mystical, which works in unison.

I like pain to pain. Imagine comparing feelings to emulation of words through song, help commiserate. Making love more than a word, might not fit here. I like the expression, but it deviated for me. The process of suffering through a breakup might deliver more meaning to the word. Give it a bittersweet connotation, having loved and lost. Being ready to love again after healing, joy refills its meaning. It's more complex. Draw on something more filling, if you want go deeper at the end.

Pleasure to consume,

Brian


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538
538
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a poem full of emotion about the ugly aftermath of something that has failed between two or more people. Many readers can connect with these emotions and the narrative style.

Speaking to the form of the poem, each stanza breaking down to a single word employs effect in different ways. One, it is the visual style that gives this feeling of speaking until there are no words left. Two, if spoken aloud, these words become as they drain line by line to an end. Three, it filters out feelings to blunt, hopeless words, usually imagery.

The sentiment in this poem is undeniable. It's raw and emotional. However, it's not clear beyond that. While there are universal feelings here, the theme needs to be condensed to some aspects of what this is about. Don't get a feel of the players, events, what has happened or where this is going.

The last verse breaks a bit from form and doesn't gasp out on one word thought, or lists, like previous stanzas. The end should be most impactful, like snuffing out a candle, ending a relationship, ending scene on a single note that's it clearly set up for, to hold and reverberate to sum up this mood. I think that's what you might be going for there.

Though, not all things in life finish seamlessly, one open-ended word could intone the brokenness, unknowability of future. There are chords and dischords, however it ends, it should be on one strong word that is unifying your theme.

Great construct at work. Best wishes with your writing,

Brian


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539
539
Review of Tenebrae  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (4.0)
My first thought was, what is Tenebrae, because I think it would help me understand your poem. I look it up. Assuming this is less religious in nature but maybe a thing symbolizing darkness because it's given as a proper noun here. I think you still draw from the religious but in a sensual way.

It think the poem flows smoothly, gathering imagery to help with this romance with a feeling of some anticipation. I could look up Bacchus, but paired with Romeo, I feel it is finding perfect love, but dark and likely doomed.

The ending I could analyze, already given theme, symbolism and other dissimilar poetic devices. It doesn't stay cohesive, jumps to another era, different culture. You were on point at the start. The ending strays for me.

This was building on something. With poetry, it's possible to lose the driving energy behind a write and have it go astray. Another window might open and a keener vision one day, should you want to visit and/or improve...orvwrite a similar thing.

Thank you for sharing,

Brian


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540
540
Review of Undying Love!  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very romantically told poem (in more than one sense) of a love long ago that was not meant to be. However, the poet puts the story right that their ghosts dance at night in the graveyard.

The short lines and rhyme drive this poem at a good pace. The story sets up well where two young lovers meet in 1883, only she dies young and later he. His body found on wagon trail brought back to bury next to hers. Then he recites his seven lines in verse to end poem. Thought those repeated lines should be italicized.

Very nicely writ and endearing.

B


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541
541
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Construction:
Interesting concept merging Writing ML pull down text and the concept of Frost's poem. You summarily comment on this poem, too, so three paths to diverge?

Idea:
But seriously, I like the idea you are playing with. Frost pined for that road not taken in poem, but here, the reader can take either and see the intended path. Right there, you diverge conceptually.

Voice:
You have the old world concept of word choices here, pre-Frost bordering on British Romantic poetry. Maybe, post 1860 with some modern flavor.

Errors:
There were a few that I noticed. Most I will accept as poetic license like nature's steed. Just one... I would check your adjective for songbirds. Their voices might lilt when they sing, so you may want to add something about that or find a description better suited to wait the birds do.

Likes:
The dark side, my favorite place with the glimpsed thinks and reeking smell and rotted ground were good for some of the sense.. you could use a stronger word than reeking if you choose.

Overall:
I think you could play with this more. Reflect more on the message of the Frost poem, because you've created a formula (or a form) to produce more poems. (Though, Frost deserves credit) Consider something beyond contrasting good and bad. It might not be about opposites while likely dealing in absolutes. Great formula for discovery.

Thanks for sharing this,

Brian


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542
542
Review of Alone in the dark  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Here's a poem that describes how I sometimes feel as a writer, and the person depicted in this poem, who is alone crafting something that is a beautiful part of themselves and feeling overlooked and underappreciated. As the artist creating in a nature environment, there is simple beauty at work.

It's about being alone in nature and creating something that is a part of ourselves, art/music through a universal dialect, as described. I feel it is about a kindred spirit that hides in beauty, but should be discovered and enjoyed and shared. It's about leading others to convene in this natural setting to enjoy what is pristine and organic in our planet. Anything that could come from within is a creation and byproduct of it.

This is a reminder to appreciate one another. But also, if we are alone and undiscovered, take solace. As artists, we are doing what we love. We don't come out of nature to find you to come join. You hear our beauty in the air, if you have ears, and up to you come out and seek us. Commune in the joy of all that is beautiful.

Well expressed and understood.

Brian


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543
543
Review of Mother Nature  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (4.5)

I've read this twice and came to the near conclusion this girl is a symbol for earth. Much of what is described is that which makes everything grow, especially in spring. Personification unattributed.

Just beautiful language and flow of words to make for a luxurious read, though I was a bit thrown by punctuation. I like expressions like ‘sun on her skin’ and ‘dew in her veins.‘ I'm not sure about how she runs through the world. For a moment I thought of flowing water. That would expand the metaphor beyond soil.

Overall, I appreciated the read. Enjoy a smooth read that's easy to consume with good visual imagery.

B


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544
544
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (4.5)

If I wanted to write a one word review of this poem it would be 'fetishism.' A weird sort of fetish it would be.

This was unique. When it started out, I expected cliche with ordinary language bordering on prose. But there was an end to this game. A twist.

Here you have depicted someone out of a romance novel with a flair for fashion, of status who is about to take the narrator of this poem on a fancy, high class date. And it's no...no to it all. This is where it gets kinky.

He's going to have to ditch plans and take her to his place. But, only take the shoes off and make this person a meal in attire not meant for home cooking. She's giving orders. Mana knows what she likes, if I can call the narrator that.

We have things implied here that I infer to mean this is part of a game, a fantasy to play out that will end up in the boudoir or on the kitchen table, if I can imply what I inferred.

It's not typical poetry. But, it's meticulously crafted with description and line breaks that help the text suggest to a reader. It could be prose, but the truncated style with imagery scream poetry. It borders but it's strong suit is control, deciding how this date plays out. To throw out convention to spice things up.

And that is what poetry does, throw out the rule book and let's just play with the language.

B


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545
545
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
When I first read this, I thought it seemed out of order...just like how I read this before seeing the description line after the poem. Writing in reverse was a clever device and a fun discovery the way I read it. I didn't have the disappointment of reading it in reverse first, not as intended.

Did catch some errors. ’youre’ at end without apostrophe and ‘drink induced’ should have been hyphenated.

Form was great with two line stanzas with questions and exclamation at beginning/end.

Great process but subpar subject.

B


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546
546
Review of Letters  
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Here is a poem full of promise, but I found the lines so long that it was difficult to read and fully appreciate. So I want to demonstrate hear how you can break up the lines and make the flow better for a reader:

Dandelions mist, of feathers I will blow.
A drop of honey will change it’s color, under the wings of Lady Magdalen’s crow.
A movement in echo, your ripple promises of broken trails,
where is my channel, a desert of dying river sails.
Branches of olives, you keep on growing,
yesterday’s song, clouds today’s mourning.
Are you thinking twice? My broken heart's window is open,
letting in a the flies, tomorrow’s heartache, a deceiving serpent.
You draw curtains of potent demise,
has your wise one left? All covered in lies.
You are stuck, and no one is home.
Where is my door? Stepped upon your palm and throne.
Unveiling lips, you better think twice.
Sometimes you walk, sink if he tries.
Has your marble glass broken, no other face you can find?
Has your golden arrow fallen, pierced through your mind?
Break the vine, friend is no one to time. Do you choose to be kind,
to the person who plays with your mind?
Will you step out of line and tell mother Earth that God has chosen a time?
We will meet in the east, feast and dine.
Puppets will mirror the strings and signs, will no one realize we are all mimes?
He will stop smiling when we are all laughing,
ceilings are gone, you hear no one humming.
Will you die my friend, your troubled says mind at end?
Do you know your date oh friend, slipping chance into his hands?
Will your tongue taste fate, or will you whisper “God, checkmate.

Caught an error..."letting in a the flies..."
Think you meant, all the flies.

You're rhyme scheme was inconsistent. The meter was not really there. Now about the content of the poem and what this is about...

I would say too many metaphors that dont coalesce with theme. I liked how poem opened and the way languages was constructed in a more renaissance era. However, beyond questions about what sounds like a love triangle and what (she/he) is deciding about the third party was all I could devise. If this is either jilted lover or lover in waiting, I'm not sure. It might not even be that. But, the narration is obsessive and unknowing and needs resolve. I would see these words as part of a scene from a Shakespearean play.

God luck to you on this,

Brian


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547
547
Review of Autumn as a Child  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Sharmelle,

I thought I would experience some of your writing tonight and do a review of your poem for my group, the WDC Angel Army. There's a lot of good content in this poem that is relatable to mothers or a family audience. I wonder if form constrains the expression you so richly reveal.

You call this poem free form but have a rhyming scheme. But I would reimagine this with words that shake out and tumble in expressions of those poignant moments. The poem could use a declarative statement to get it started. It's about the willow. You could say something like, 'I could only watch them, because I could not climb the willow.'

It's fun because you tease a reader into wondering, why is that? It could be a poem about how you wish you could do more with them. It could be about them gaining confidence, independence, the warm feeling of watching them discover or having fun on their own. All important for a child's development, as well as parent.

I also trim language when I write. Notice I said willow, instead of adding tree. It's descriptive enough, but if there is the need to repeat the object they climb, then you can say tree. Or have fun and describe it as large, viney mushroom or personify as a green, hairy, man of shade.

Alice in Wonderland is a theme being explored here this month. The girl in the story dreamed surreal things, like dreams often are. You could explore more with dreamlike thoughts and language. We adults can tap into child like imagination and wonder about how they see, interact with their world. Imagination is good. Your poems could be written for children, too.

Would like more descriptions with leave piles, with inventive leaps...like divers doing belly flops? I'd like to visualize that baseball game more. Maybe, a separate poem for another day on how it was played.

And you came up with a great description at the end: 'at an autumnly pace.' Yes, great way to soak in the last days of fall. That's a keeper. More expressions. That looked like it came from a writer inspired by the subject through the writing process.

Nice work!

Brian

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Rated: E | (4.0)
I read this through several times and sadly it did not reveal to me as the title and description line describe.

I'm intrigued by the use of words like zeros or Plymouth Rock, or even, milestone planet. It doesn't read like a poem about sports in general or specific, but about earth ecology, if I were to assemble these words cohesively...to the best of my ability.

It's okay to use plainer more direct image to describe what unfolds here. You want this poem thematically sound. The metaphors are not working with one another. If you look at your adjectives and their meanings, they seem misplaced where readers need be informed.

You have good rhyme and meter and $10 words, but the message is overlooked in this word meal. You should really be thinking about the description line as your topic sentence and more keenly focus on your subject.

You're nailing the sound of poetry. I see work needs to be done with the rest. Consider other forms of poetry that stress simplicity like haiku and tanka. Something boiled down that requires discipline and message. Just as an exercise to help you develop focus for message.

Just some thoughts.

Brian


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549
549
In affiliation with Circumpolar Black Light Reviewer  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Tim,

You are one with the traditional poetry, your forte. Within your worthy poem about love everlasting are some ordinary words that do not move this reader. Words like 'neat' and 'situation,' which do little to describe or intone a romantic message.

This poem lacks central character or symbol of love to focus on. The attempt to use metaphors to describe love usually are used in this situation. I like what you are attempting, except that it lacks focus on message.

I would check your punctuation in the first two lines that run together, and I don't think you meant to do that. When you referred to Cupid's bow, I don't think you want to refer to it as 'stricken' but as something that strikes. Which would mean, you need the intended target included in this.

The second stanza is too vague and cryptic. Very little goes on with description, imagery or metaphor so we can understand what the poet is implying here.

In the final verse I believe you need to end the first line with a comma. After that, it becomes vague and cryptic again and I'm not sure why you ended with three periods. Employing the word "neat" is what makes it the hardest to understand.

Writing rhyming poetry that doesn't function isn't appealing if you do not supply the proper message. You can sound lyrical and sweet but it's not enough to eat for a reader who wants.

I've always felt your poems have that traditional flavor and unique voice. I want to know what inspires the poet to pen these odes to get the fullest appreciation.

B


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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

Sounds like hashing out the idea of a comparative poem about humans like fire. It seemed at outset it was what you were trying to accomplish. As you hash over notions, it becomes narrative prose or monologue. You might want to reassess what you want here.

You could personify fire in poem and have a striking ending revealing how a destructive human has choice and is more destructive than fire. You could have a poem that witnesses humans as fire who can also instruct fire to destroy. Lots to play with there.

It might be too large of an undertaking if you cannot show, describe or allude in imagery the comparatives. Fan those flames, light the embers, see it rage an inferno. But, it's a great idea for a poem and solid insight/introspection.

Brian


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