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This poem feels like the throbbing, racing, heartbeat of an injured bird. The core of true beauty and emotion is there and with the right nurturing, patience, and love it will open its wings and soar into the sky.
I see a touching declaration of love and commitment. One person reaches out embracing another, soul to soul, in the kind of emotion that is a sense of living and breathing simply for the wonder of doing so with the person who completes you. I read it and feel like it's a hand stretched out, asking, perhaps begging, for the trust it takes to place yourself into the hand of another.
I think the sense of repetition is wonderful. It creates that throbbing sensation that makes it seem like the poem echoes a heartbeat.
I found it very difficult to follow separate thoughts because of the lack of stanzas and punctuation. While punctuation isn't required in poetry it does tend to add clarity for readers. In this case if you'd rather not have punctuation then breaking up the poem into smaller segments could be of marvelous benefit. It's a little bombarding at the moment which detracted from my enjoyment.
In lines 8 and 9 you have the word 'you'. Having it at the end of line 8 and the beginning of line 9 without punctuation or a stanza break rings like someone saying, "you, you". It felt a bit weird to read, especially aloud. The 'you' of line 9 felt unnecessary and you could probably eliminate it completely.
Line 11 says, "Like a vapor" but you use a repetition tool elsewhere connected to the word 'vapor' that reads, "As though but a vapor" (lines 03, 16, 27 & 38). For a sense of consistency you might want to consider conforming line 11 so that it's the same. Repetition can be a powerful poetic tool when used effectively and consistently.
Line 5: This I know
*smiles* This is what I like to call a Yodaism. A sentence out of order. Or at least it MIGHT be. Without punctuation I can't be sure if it should read, "THIS, I know," or be correctly structured as, "I KNOW this" Context has me thinking that modern speech would lean toward the orange option. Creating a sentence that reads, "But forevermore, I know this shall never fade"
I'd recommend looking for the structure of modern language to clarify your poem. Perhaps try taking out the line breaks and reading it as if it's all one paragraph. Sometimes your joins don't seem to work as effectively as they could and you'll see that more clearly by reading it top to bottom without pausing.
Lines 29, 30 & 32 made me wince. I felt like this poem was about something beautiful, the kind of being with and for each other that gives a sense of harmony, of paradise. But the words, "withdrawal", "drug" and "addiction" have negative connotations, particularly when used together like that. Addictions tend to be things that are bad for us. Drugs are particularly harmful. These lines made me think, "This just isn't healthy.”. It doesn’t seem the right message there.
Also, the words, "everlasting drug" don't seem to ring true. Nothing is everlasting. We may wish that were the case but at some point, everything dies, or changes and becomes not what it was. Water turns to air, rocks to sand, people to worm food, etc.
Please let me know if/when you've worked on and edited this poem. I'd love to re-review it then.
As pictures may fade
And life may falter
I'll be here for you
These lines are lovely! They are definitely my favorite. The strange thing is they're also the most unique in the whole poem.
I've realized that I could be completely way off in what I felt this poem is about. Every reader brings to the page their own experiences, their own life and meaning. Your subject could be a bottle of Coca-Cola for all I know. *chuckles* *blinks and jaw drops* Gosh! Maybe it IS!!! Or Mountain Dew? Jolt Cola? *grins* Talk about blowing my mind.
I guess I look deep for human emotion. As I said, we all come to the page with our own experiences, life, and meaning. I'd rather believe this is a love poem. I like to believe in the evanescence of emotion and the ability of true love to capture that dissipation in our fingers and our hearts.
I really enjoyed this poem. I always have so much fun delving into poetry and exploring what the parts mean and how elements could be changed, weaved, tightened, smoothed, chipped and polished. You have the injured bird, or perhaps it's simply an infant bird, I can see the beauty that the adult could become. I hope you'll nurture, tend, and care for it.
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