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1
1
Review of the deserter  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi...

Each new thought should be on a new line. At times you did and others you didn't

[..family was close. After some time spent bouncing around the country...]
would be
(..family was close.
After some time....)

Use Writing ML to add 'indents' on the new lines and it will be a better read.

just my thoughts.... bob
2
2
Rated: E | (2.5)
Okay Iceyguy... I'll give this a shot. ( feel free to throw rocks at me)

[Automatrion but one dayhis parents mysteriously ] space between day and his

[.He could do that because of his powers he inherited ]Try THE powers.. eliminates a he/him... Even better..( He could do that because of powers inherited from...)

[powers he inherited from his dad and mum."Soooooo Jack,are you ready for the automatrion ]... "Soooooo.... would be on a seperate line than the one ending in dad and mom.

This next part I'm just throwing at you because I HATE tag-lines.
I ALWAYS let my reader know who is ABOUT to speak, and how they sound BEFORE they read the line of dialogue.

test tomorrow?"inquired Josh.( 1 )
"You sure I am!"Jack said cheerfully. ( 2 )
"Have you studied?"Josh uestioned.( 3 }btw.. you forgot the 'Q'
"Nope...."Jack whispered deadenly ( 4 )deadently?? Wazzat?

( 1 )... Josh glanced over at Jack. "Are you ready for the test tomorrow?"
( 2 )Cheerfully Jack stated, "You sure I am." BTW was that a question... 'you sure I am' doesn't make sense, unless you meant I'm sure I am.
BTW.. with only 2 speaking, your reader will know who is going to answer a question... no need for tag-lines.

( 3 )Looking doubtful, he asked, "Have you studied?"
( 4 ) With a shrug, his friend whispered, "No."


Just my thoughts.. it's your story.

just bob



3
3
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Kirk & Co.

Tobber mentioned this was very good, so I decided to look at it.
( The GIANT thing made me think it was more of the Giantess Trash that young boys seem to like, so I'd decided to give it a Pass )

I started reading...... and kept reading.

He was right.. it's good. ( aside from the double spaces..[ I think a simple Indent is better ].. and the Tag-Lines inside a quote which I hate..[but that's just me] ) I could find nothing wrong.

just bob ( GPs to offset the Auto Reward )
4
4
Review of Fractured Reality  
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi Mister Suede.. Interesting start.... BUT
( you knew there would be a But )
Let me get my helmet on in case you throw rocks at me.

my comments in blue

[ Humanity united under one common goal: Escape their current reality in every literal sense of the phrase.

And Kurtis was standing in the very room where it had begun.] possibly 'would begin'?

[Kurtis took in the dimly-lit metallic room, filled with computer screens, consoles, and exposed wire and cable strewn about. In front of him stood the machine, a huge, arc-shaped metallic structure, with two large console screens on each side. Looking to his right, Kurtis saw Eliza Strong. She was one of the few remaining physicists, and was heading the project along with Kurtis.]
repetition of Kurtis. sugg.. HE saw Eliza... along with HIM

["Hello, everyone. It's finally time to unveil Project Backdraft. We've waited long and worked hard to achieve this; if all goes according to plan, we will have ensured the safety and longevity of the human race for, hopefully, many more years to come," she said, ]45 words before we find SHE is saying it... and who is the Everyone?... no mention of others in the room sugg... Iliza turned to the assembled scientists and workers. "Hello...

[ "The road here has been difficult and fraught with hardships, but we prevailed before and we will again. With Backdraft at our side, we'll be able to inhabit entirely new worlds and free ourselves from the confines of this desolate wasteland," She said, gesturing toward the large arcs, "So... Without further adieu, let's start it up."]
your reader will know she is still speaking, so 'she said' is not necessary. sugg..Gesturing towards the large arcs, she continued, "So, ...


CHAPTER ! ... Now you move to 1st person.. but 1st person Present Tense?
I have seen this before, but (I think) 1st per. is all Past tense.. The ' I ' telling what Happened.
And in 1st Per. no one else can speak.. The ' I ' can only tell us what they said. (He looked at me and growled,"Shut up.")
Easy fix... just give him a name and tell the story in 3rd person... But it's your story... those are just my thoughts


just bob
5
5
Review of Just $29.95  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Woooh Angus. Great yarn with a nice Twist.

The only faults I could see, were the repetitions of Rick.. and lines starting with Rick.
Rick sat..Rick laid..Rick brought...etc
( BTW.. I would think 'HE' was already sitting )
And the misuse of lay, lain, laid.
[ Rick laid his forearm on the coffee table and repeated the process. ] ( suggest.. Laying his forearm on the coffee table, 'he'repeated the process. )

just bob
6
6
Review of George Loses It  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey, Jim. Cute story.
A bit of an anti-hunting twist, but I'll forgive you.
(being a hunter myself )

I noticed a few things,
[Basin Redwoods State Forest... near the State Park ]

A State Forest is not a Park. You could say 'near a State Park'. ( I hunt in a National Forest, very near a State Park )

Repetition of George, and lines starting with George.
Your reader will know who 'he' is.

[ “Go ahead, shoot me. But you better aim well, I don’t want to suffer. And if you only wing me, I will charge you, and gore you. And if I can’t do it, my friends here will.” George was amazed ]
Several times you put the voices, and his thoughts on the same line... Most of the time you had them properly separated though.

Loved the TWIST at the end [ The doctor never stopped to think that for the tenth year in a row,]

just bob
7
7
Rated: E | (4.0)
Okay... That is just not Fair.
When I saw it was 1st person, I was going to jump all over you for letting others speak instead of the 'I' telling me what they said.
You didn't do that. You did it right. In fact I could find Nothing wrong... and I hate that.

Another thing that bugged me. I don't normally read this kind of story, but I did.... and enjoyed it.
The humor sort of crept up on me. ... Overall it was a.."yuck".. feel good story..... and I hate to feel good unless I can correct some errors.

It also made me wish I'd married someone like that. .. My wife always tried to put a 'gilt trip' on me when I went deer hunting... and Maxed my credit card while I was away.... "sigh"

One small thing. [His hand-made Valentine’s Card will be waiting for him ].. sort of sounds like he made it. .. possibly.. The card I made for him?
( there... I feel better )

just bob
8
8
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hi brom... Interesting story.
I'll start with my usual rent. It's just me, but I hate Tag-Lines. I would rather know who is ABOUT to speak and how they sound before reading their words.
As I stated, it's just me.. It's your story.

my comments in blue





Dr. Vale and his associate Dr. Strife were dumbfounded and alarmed as they looked at the telescope monitor.

“Its’ gone! Alpha Centauri just disappeared!” said Dr. Vale. suggest: Dr.Val stammered,"It's gone...."

“It is not a black hole; there was no shrinkage of the star that occurs before imploding into one.”

Dr. Vale lunged at a desk where a phone was and dialed feverishly.

“Hello, Boston observatory? I need you to confirm something? Apparently Alpha Centauri has just…you see it too!? Do you have any guess as to what happened?”

Suddenly Dr. Strife saw the same phenomenon in the monitor. "Dr.Vale would go here... it is Strife talking so no TL needed

“Dr. Vale, look! Another star blacked out!” said Dr. Strife.

Vale glanced at the monitor. Before he said anything, the Boston Observatory told him what Strife just witnessed.sugg.Astounded by what they were telling him, he exclaimed, "Another one?"

“Another one!?” exclaimed Vale on the phone.
we know it's Val and he's on the phone
Then a third star vanished leaving the two scientists worried and at a loss. Seconds later a fourth star did the same.

“What’s happening?” asked Dr. Strife.no more about TLs

“I don’t know. I’m calling NASA,” he said as he hit an auto-dial button.

“Hello? This is Dr. Jordan Vale from California. I and my colleague have been witnessing a disturbing phenomenon. Stars have been vanishing with seemingly no cause.” He peered at the monitor then relayed what he saw to the operator at NASA. “So far over a dozen stars have disappeared. Has your superior telescopes seen any occurrences that might indicate an explanation?” he was silent for a time. “Okay, I will, thank you.”

“That was brief,” said Dr. Strife.

“They said that it is no cause of alarm and that our predicament is due to an old astrophysical occurrence. They called it “Random Star Projected Black Hole Phase.”

“What is that?”

“NASA claims it is when a large black hole disperses moving smaller black holes that devour stars. They said they saw the catalyst black hole a few light years beyond our telescope’s range and that the problem will abate within a few days.”

Dr. Strife frowned and shook his head. “That is ridiculous!”see? no TL needed

“I know and they must think that I’ll blindly believe the story because they’re NASA. What’s more is that they said not to alarm anyone. Something is not right and I plan to find out what.”

“How are they going to make every observatory in America not tell people?” asked Strife. “It will get all over the internet as well.”

A loud knock at the entrance door was heard as well as a gruff voice ordering to open the door.

“This is the FBI! Please open the door!”

Both men looked at each other in fright.

“Please open the door!”

“They will use force if needed,” said Dr. Strife.

With that, Vale opened the door to reveal tall men in black attire with “FBI” stitched on their vests. They barged in and put both in hand cuffs and hauled them out of the lab building.

“What are you doing?! We’ve done nothing wrong!” pleaded Dr. Vale as the apprehenders man-handled the scientists into a black van.

“You are in no danger. As long as you cooperate,” said a voice that came from the front passenger’s seat.

“Does this have to do with the vanishing stars?” said Dr. Strife.

“That is correct. But know that this is for the stability and order of not only America, but the entire world.”

“Where are you taking us?” asked Vale.

“To a compound with a TV station about two miles away in a rural site.”

“A TV station? What for?”

“You and your colleague will be part of a public announcement affirming the story given by the government.”

“Why? What is the real cause?”

“All will be explained when we reach our destination. For now, please stay quiet.”

Twenty minutes later, the van met a closed gate with guards at each side. One approached the vehicle and the driver gave him a card and the gate opened. They went into a curved tunnel with flood lights lining the walls. Next, they stopped at a door at the end.

“Follow us and we will remove the cuffs. It was for precaution, forgive us.”

Both got out and the cuffs were removed. When they came to the door, the man turned around who had been talking. He looked in his fifties and had austere blue eyes and had a stoic mannerism. The man took a card and swiped it in a slit in the door and it opened. Inside were about a dozen people not in suits or uniforms but in regular clothing.

“Ron is that you?” Dr. Vale asked surprisingly to one of the individuals.

“Jordan! I have not seen you since college!”

“Why are we here?” asked Vale.

“The people who kidnapped me said that once all the astronomers were assembled they would tell us the situation. This is probably happening all across the country. I suppose you did not buy their “Random Star Projected Black Hole Phase” story either.”

Before Dr. Vale could answer, the man in the suite came forth.

“May I have your attention? You are all here to ensure the wellbeing of the entire world. We apologize for the rough treatment, but we could not risk any of you divulging the situation to the non-educated.”well being

“You said you would explain everything. What’s going on?” said an older and annoyed astronomer.

“To put it bluntly, the disappearing of stars will continue to escalate. About twenty million stars in the observable universe have gone,” the man said.

There was murmuring and the scientists traded worried looks.

Dr. Vale spoke up. “And have you found the reason for the phenomenon, the real one?”

“What I’m about to say will shock you and even sound mad. The problem involves a parallel universe.

Silence swept through the room. Then one commented. “I do not think that is mad at all. In theory, there could be multiple universes.”

“I agree,” said another.

“I see and do you have any proof?” said the stingy old scientist from before.

The man in the suit walked towards a door to the left of the crowd. “Follow me,” he said as he went through. He led them down a hall to yet another door with a scanner next to it. He put his palm on it and the door opened. What they saw next astounded each of them. On a raised platform, there was a glowing blue sphere of light the size of a wrecking ball.

“What is it?” asked Dr. Strife.

“The portal. Now that you have accepted the reality of another other universe, you will be told there are sentient beings there.”

“What does all this have to do with the stars vanishing?” asked Dr. Vale.

“I will allow someone else to explain that to you.” said the man as he walked towards an elevator mechanism.

“Please board the lift. I assure you there is no danger.”

All the scientists walked on the large open air elevator which brought them up to the blue sphere.

“I will enter then return to show you there is no threat.”suggest: With that HE walked...cuts down on repetition of 'the man'

The man walked into the ball of light with a silhouette that outlined his body as he went through. Thirty seconds later he came back.

“Everyone follow me.”

A young, eager scientist wasted no time in stepping through. One by one the rest entered until it was time for Dr. Vale and Dr. Strife to go.

“On the count of three we both go in,” said Vale.

“Okay,”

“One…two…three!”

They both went through and it was like walking into a wind tunnel with a spiraling illumination at the end.

All the scientists were in awe at the sight of their destination. They found themselves in what could be described as a mechanical city in outer space they saw from a window inside a room. Satellites were mounted on metal spires that rose high into the firmament with multiple lights running up them.

“It’s like living inside a gigantic computer!” said Dr. Strife.

“Look out at space. There are much less stars than in our universe,” Dr. Vale pointed out.sugg:delete 'much'

“You are very observant Dr. Vale,” said a normal looking man in a grey padded outfit. I would request that you would allow me to explain the whole situation,” the man said to the scientists. “I am a being who lives in this dimension. My name is Nemous.”

All were silent.

“The reason for the mass disappearance of stars in your universe began with a great catastrophe that occurred about two-thousand years ago,according to your time measurements that is. Two intergalactic enemies warred over the possession of an object that was filled with tremendous destructive power. They were called the Nix and the Salens. The weapon was called the Heart of Doom. With it, either side could rule over the other with the ultimatum to annihilate their enemy’s world. Eventually the Nix gained the Heart. But they were not satisfied with conquering their sole foe. They travelled1 L to other galaxies and enslaved more worlds. Ultimately over three-hundred planets fell to the Nix. Over time, the planets forged a secret alliance with one another with covert communication and armament. They rebelled against the Nix. A brief war broke out and at the end even the mighty weapon seemed like it would not help the tyrannical beings. Before the leader of the Nix was about to die, he enacted a final attack on a universal level. It obliterated all planets and stars on a vast scale throughout the known universe here.”

“Then how are you still alive?” asked Dr. Strife.

“The object of destruction had an even far more reaching effect. It tore a rift in the cosmic fabric that bridged our two realms. For an unknown reason some of my kind, called tetro sapiens,Cap T & S were thrown through a portal to Earth in a remote area at the time of the great catastrophe. We sought to return but when we looked back through the portal, there was nothing but darkness; abyssal space. We lived in secrecy until we revealed ourselves at the start of the twenty first century when all governments were mature enough to realize the truth.”

“You said you waited. Do you simply live long lives or are you immortal?” asked Dr. Vale.

“We are impervious to time but not to fatal attacks.”

“Would you please get to the relevant segment of your explanation concerning the vanishing stars?” demanded a scientist.

“As Dr. Vale pointed out, there are far less stars in this dimension. To be completely forthcoming, we are the ones who have been taking your stars,” said Nemous.

“So, you’re treacherous thieves!” said one scientist.

“You have no right! Give them back!” said another.

The small crowd broke out into loud contestation.?? The man in the black suite took out an electric megaphone.

“Please calm down! There is a good explanation that will validate the alien’s actions. Silence yourselves.”

The tumult came to an end and the alien continued.

“In exchange for the repopulation of stars here, the inhabitants of your planet will be transported to this universe and will thrive on a different world. There will be no war and with our help you will be technologically advanced. Our medicine will expunge all diseases that plague your present world.”
re population or re-population
“You said all the planets were destroyed and how did you build this mechanical place if there was nothing?” Dr. Strife put forth.were destroyed, SO how

“We used material from your world to gradually build these electrical constructs. As for the planets, it waywill amaze you that we have the capability to make entire worlds, quite quickly. We have made our own planet and yours is nearly complete.”

“For what reason have you waited so long to begin transporting the stars?” asked Vale.

“We just now have completed the device that we use to move stars to one universe to another.

“Where are these planets that your kind and our kind are supposed to live?” asked Dr. Vale.

“They are visible through the central bridge observatory window. I will show you.”

The alien motioned with his hand to follow him and they all entered what appeared to be an elevator room. There were glowing rings arranged in a circle on the floor in the center.

“Everyone stand on one of the rings.” he said.

“Let me guess, teleportation?” asked Dr. Strife.

“That is probably what everyone realizes. Who here is not a Star Trek fan?” asked Vale.

Rings of green light shot upwards around each person rapidly until their vision was obstructed then the rings gradually slowed and abated. There they were, in a large chamber with an enormous curved window. They saw monolithic machines half the size of Earth’s moon with robotic arms holding equally enormous metal slats. They were building a spherical structure that had a partial Earth like surface around it. Some of the slats were seen deeper within the sphere. Part of the center exposed a red hot core like a nuclear reactor.

“I’m in heaven,” said a scientist.

“In all my life, I’ve never seen a more enthralling sight,” said Dr. Vale.

“I almost do not want to go back!” exclaimed Dr. Strife.

The man in the black suit who originally brought them there addressed the group of people.

“Before anything else, we need to return to Earth where the TV station is,” he said. “And I must remind you, no cooperation will result in unpleasant measures.”sugg: not cooperating

A sheepish look fell on all faces. The group stepped on the rings and in the same manner that they came, they appeared back in the section where they first entered into the universe.

“Everyone back to the portal,” the man in the suite ordered.

They reluctantly approached the blue sphere and they entered through in single file. The group of overwhelmed scientists were back on the platform. They were all lowered to the ground and entered the TV station area. On a stage there was a seat for each scientist in front of a camera.

“Please sit down. This will not take long,” said the one in the suite.

They all took their places. A man came out in a dress shirt and slacks. He walked onto the platform holding a mike. A thin person in glasses sat in front of them. Then a heavy set man in regular shirt and shorts went behind the camera.

When the man in black counted to three, the host with the mike began.I think he would have introduced the scientists. Rather than stating all the names you might say, After introducing... he said,"Hello, I'm

“Hello, I’m James Randel. An alarming rumor has spread concerning the disappearance of stars. To put those fears to rest, we have assembled a few astronomers who will explain the true nature for this occurrence. Sitting in front is lead scientist Ron Brown. Dr. what is happening?”

“What is happening is nothing new. There is evidence that this took place about five-hundred years ago. It is called Random Star Projected Black Hole Phase. The process happens when a black hole loses gravitational flux at different points around the black hole and smaller black holes separate from the original body. As you can see it is quite simple.”

“Doctor, will this anomaly cease?”

“Absolutely, it will. Although we do not have a specific time table, it will end soon.”

“Have any of the other scientist found differently?”

Dr. Vale spoke up. “We have all come to the same conclusion.”

“There you have it folks. No reason to worry. We will inform you when the situation has ended. James Randel signing off.”

Suddenly a man burst into the room in a panic. He breathed heavily with fear glazed eyes."They survived.. would go here not on another line

“They survived! They survived!”

“What do you mean? Calm down,” said the man in the black suit.

“The Nix, they survived! They are attacking the space station as we speak. And Nemous, he’s dead!” the frightened man uttered.
Ah..good. some conflict. I was starting to worry
“What do we do?” asked Dr. Strife.

“We must find out the reason for their sudden hostility,” reasoned Dr. Vale.

“We cannot return. Everything may be gone,” said the man in the suite.

“I have to know what is going on.”

“You could be killed Dr. Vale. It is your life though. I’m sure we all want to know what is happening. If you are able, bring word back and report the situation,” the man finished.sugg: delete 'the man finished'

“I’m coming too,” said Dr. Strife.

Both men hurried to the portal room.

“The portal is still intact. That is a good sign,” said Dr. Strife.

When the lift brought them to the round portal, they dashed through it. On the other side alarms and lights were going off. Through the window, they saw ships firing at the station and the construction machines. Many areas were burning and the tetro sapiens were defenseless. Then suddenly the Nix stopped attacking. names are always Caped..Tetro Sapiens

“I think we’ll find our answer at the bridge.”

They entered the room with the teleporting p'H'ort rings, stood on them and instantly they were transported to the bridge observatory. Above them on a large metal balcony, one of the tetro sapiens in their padded grey attire was kneeling to a tall humanoid being in a red cloak with a crown made of black onyx.

“They are surrendering to the Nix. And that cloaked figure could be the old leader Nemous told us about,” said Dr. Vale.

Then another tetro sapien waved at them from a space craft of some kind and motioned to approach him. The two doctors scuffled to him.

“My name is Xion. I trust you have realized our situation?”

Both nodded.

“I and some others are about to enact a plan. We’ve wondered if the Nix were also pulled into a different universe and now we know. We have secretly been building weapons not know to even our leaders. The Nix think we are helpless and that will give us the advantage of surprise. Follow me.”

They did so and went after Xion into an elevator and they descended.

“Our plan is to use a pulsar cannon to destroy the mother ship while their leader returns to it. All we have to do is wait.”'when' their leader

When the elevator stopped, the three got out and entered a large mechanical room. Before them was what looked like a large radio dish with a thick rod that protruded from the center.

One of Xion’s friends rushed to him. “The cannon is ready and Lord Vaux is leaving the station in his craft. We have him on screen.”

The screen showed a vessel about to enter a large square opening in the mother ship. Suddenly it stopped.

“Why is he stopping?” asked Vale.

A voice from behind them was heard.

“Because I told him.” good.. more conflict

Xion turned in shock. “Corin?! How could you betray your one kind!? You contributed the most to the weapon. Why would you turn on us?”

“I was promised to have a place of great power if I defected. I put a radio device on your back Xion. They smaller than bug, so you won’t find them. I put them on practically all that worked on the weapon.”



Soldiers swarmed around them and bound their hands in plastic tubing then hauled them off. The three were brought to a room where the cloaked being was seated on a throne.

“Lord of the Nix, I bring you prisoners.”

“You have proved your loyalty. Come to me and I will give you the scepter of Heth. With it you will rule over a planet called Ethire that I conquered.”

Corin came near the Nix king. As the evil ruler stretched forth to give the rod to him, Corin pulled out a laser.

“Relinquish your weapons or he dies!”

All dropped their projectile arsenals.

“Tell all your attack vessels to dock in the mother ship, now!”

“What will you do if I do not? kill me? Ha!”

“Corin shot him in the leg.

“Ahh! Okay! This is Lord Vaux. Reassemble in the mother ship,” he spoke into a radio.

Fifteen minutes past.

“Fire the pulsar cannon!” Corin ordered.

A cascade of white light burst from the cannon through the hull of the immense mother ship. A barrage of explosions engulfed the goliath construct. In half a minute it was nothing but drifting debris.

“You’ve lost Vaux. I will let you and your few soldiers live. Our people will escort you all to the shuttle you came in along with an operative who will see that you relinquish any planets you might have enslaved.”

“You had me there for a while Corin. You were very cunning,” said Xion. “But why did you wait to just shoot him before?”

“A force field protected him at all times. Only when he let me enter the shield could a threaten

him.” could I threaten him

Eventually the human planet was finished. When that time came, the human race was told

the truth and a portal appeared for people to enter into the new universe. Some were angry but most were joyful to begin a new, advanced and astounding utopia.

Go ahead and throw rocks at me if you wish..."grinnn"

just bob
9
9
Rated: E | (2.5)
Only one comment.
[She drops her broom ] .. [ is sleeping with a folded wet towel on his forehead.].. [A large pot is boiling ]..[ etc ]

In the 'Stage Directions', each OBJECT in the scene is in CAPS. ( BROOM .. LARGE POT )

This is for Props and Stage Manager. When they see the CAPS they know to put the item in. ( the CAPS are the only thing they look at..... If the actor reaches for a gun, there had better be a gun there or they will have to stop shooting until one is provided.)

just bob
10
10
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hi Mike. Just a few thoughts.
1st person is the hardest to write... The 'I' is telling what happened. It could be years later. Little things like a pain would probibly be forgotten. The I can't think about what's happening, he can only remember what 'happened'.

If you want to put your reader in the action, just change the I to He. ... But it's your story not mine.

I noticed several times you put the words spoken, then stated HOW they were spoken.
[ "Fine," I replied sharply, ] ... consider.. ( Irritated, I.. or he.. replyed sharply, "Fine.") Let your reader Hear that tone AS they read the words. As you did here..[ I composed my anger and spoke slowly in a calm voice:]

[ "The Regalis system? We're there already?"

"Yes Captain" replied Luna. ] .. As she is the only one there, and it was a question, your reader KNOWS Who is going to reply.

The last three paragraphs are TELLING. This can be avoided simply by having him Discuss .. bring it into a conversation.. and we could learn how he felt and, by the AI's response, how she felt.

Feel free to throw rocks at me. Those are only 'my' thoughts.

just bob
11
11
Rated: E | (4.0)
As my WDC ends tomorrow.. 3/31/14. I'm sending my remaining GPs to this great cause..

just bob
12
12
Review of Wrong Turn  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi...
Looks like the start of what could be an intresting story.
A few thoughts.
{ misplaced Double Spaces } When you..(the I ) are speaking or acting, then another does ao says something, that is seperated by a DS.

[ He grabbed Amy and pulled at her shirt yelling something about helping her. Another large muscular guy came between me and Amy. He was wearing the same blue cut-off shirt with a strange logo on the front.

"You wanted to leave? Go ahead she can stay" he said as he pushed me towards the door. He was no match for me. How could a skinny girl fight off the likes of these guys. I backed off and he came closer. Before I knew it I was outside. ]

{ DS... Another large... The DS seperates him from the first one.. And as this is the 2nd guy speaking, no DS}{suggest... As he pushed me towards the door, he grinned. "You wanted to leave?... this eliminates the 'he said}
DS
He was no match... it's now the I narrating... and did you mean 'I was no match for him??'... also 'How could a skinny girl'.. this is the first time we know the 'I' is a girl.
suggest... { It started out normal enough. I was at the Third Street bar with Amy just like every Friday night. Just us girls having few drinks }... now your reader knows the 'I' is a girl.

[. "Get in". He said as the passenger door swung open.
No DS.. it's still Sean talking. also eliminates 'he commented'
"I see the lights are out down here too." He commented. ]



repitition... [, I ignored the source of the light and quickly scanned the lot for Amy's car. I was only four cars away. I ran to Amy's car ] I ran to it.
I went for the back door of the bar. When I opened the door I ... opened it.


just bob... feel free to throw rocks at me
13
13
Review of The Last Geisha  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi. ... A few thoughts.

NOTE... I don't wish to appear mean. This story has a lot of 'feeling' and I urge you to re-write it. With just a 'bit' of work it could be 5 stars.

Oh My... Where to begin? Seeing the 4 stars I expected better. (someone has done you a disservice by rateing so high. 4 Stars indicates almost no errors)

What I see is one block of text. Each new thought MUST be on a new line.. indented. (easy to do with writing ML)

Next I see MANY Repititions... Avoid when possible. [ Mama-san was her Aunt. Mama-san had been ] She had been... [ she could see her dressing table or what was left of it. As she pushed aside pieces of the dressing table] pushed pieces of it aside. [ Kiko's slender body shaking from the enormity of the destruction. Kiko began to dig ].. She began.. we know who 'she' is.

A few spelling errors.. [ walls now where a muddy tangled mess. ] were [ She had risen thru the ranks] through

[ American jeans, a t-shirt with her favorite band on it from a recent concert. She remembered when the three of them attended it] We don't know who 'them' are.. Mention her friends ' before' saying 'them'

just bob... Feel free to throw rocks at me.
14
14
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi...
At first I assumed this would be an Anti-Hunting hit piece... I was wrong.

A few thoughts..
[ Blinding light flashed in Jay’s face and he pulled the covers over it. “Time to get up buddy, breakfast is ready. Wear your long johns. It’s freezing outside,” Dad said.] ... I hate tag-lines so consider... { .. over it, but his dad urged, "Time to....}
This removes a tag-line at the end of a long quote, that could have come from anyone, untill we spotted the TL .. I try to let my reader know who's ABOUT to speak, and how they sound.. whisper, shout, ect.

[ Everyone clean the camp, then packed up,] .. cleanED

Thanks for a good 'comming of age' story... I remember my first hunt. This one nailed it.

just bob
15
15
Review of Prologue  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi... could be an intresting story, so this prologue has a good 'hook'.

[ lifeless, soaking in pools of blood that were still warm. ] .. suggest pools of warm blood.

[both knew there was nothing I could do about it. I was practically staring death in the face. As I tried to lift my shield, my arms gave out, and it fell to the ground with]

rather than one block of text, try to seperate different thoughts into new sentences.

(both knew there was nothing I could do about it. I was practically staring death in the face.
As I tried to lift my shield, my arms gave out, and it fell to the ground with )

[stained with death by blood.]... death by blood??

[ The voices almost sounded familiar, but no matter how hard I tried, I could not match them with a face.] ... voices.. them plural.. a face .. singular. suggest 'any faces'
16
16
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hi... a few thoughts. (feel free to throw rocks at me)


[Celeste make a sudden decision and ran forward,] 'made' .. also repitition of lines starting with 'Celeste'... once named, your readers will know who 'she' is, and starting with ACTION will break it up. (Making a sudden decision, she ran)

[ Celeste noticed more corpses strung high up ] ... more? .. this is the first mention, so I would delete more.

[Now wasn't the time to be squeamish, though. She was on a mission, and so far she was able to keep hidden.]... repitition of 'was'... suggest 'had been able.

[ If the raiders got their hands on the supplies first, ]... seems the raders have been there for a long time..'days?' 'Weeks?' so they would have emptyed those pharms.

[Celeste jumped the pharmacy counter,... ahead was another doorway. Celeste took the doorway, knowing it would lead her that much closer to the pharmacy.]. ... she is already in the pharm, why must she go through another door to get there? .. better explain that... your readers 'will' wonder... never make your reader stop and think.

just bob
17
17
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi. Just a few 'take it or leave it' comments.

First... And I was guilty of this untill WDC reviewers hammered me [with large hammers]
TELLING
Most of this is 'you' the author' telling.. and at times telling things that the reader does NOT need to know.
If Info is necessary to the story, attempt to bring it in through conversation.
[ The opening could have been the ship's AI talking to the docking crew... All your reader needed to know, could have been in question and answer. The plus side? It usually takes more words... and that's what we authors want. .. Right?]

Next... Tag-Lines.
It may be just me, but I never found tag-lines necessary. In 181.3K words, there's not a he/she said in the lot. My reader knows who is about to speak, and how they sound. { Frank held up a hand and whispered, "We really don't want to do that.} If there is more than 2, the reader must be told who Frank is talking to.
{Frank turned to Sue. "Do we?"} My reader can see that '?'. so, Frank asked, is not necessary and will know it is Sue answering on the next line.
Have you ever read a loooong line of dialog, then found out who said it in a tag-line?
Irritating... right? .. Even more irritating. A tag-line injected into the dialog.{"We don't," Frank shouted. "need to."

[ The scene is at the Vatican.
"Eminence," called Cardinal Kalunda Kama, "The Beijing has returned with the discovery of a great civilization."
"What civilization is this?" questioned Pope Innocence.
"They are the oldest planet population known in our galaxy." answered the cardinal. "They are 'of the Milky Way'."
"What do they propose?" asked the pope.
"Nothing Holiness," paused the cardinal, "It is believed we will make a proposal to them."] .. Hummm?

without tag-lines.... {Cardinal Kalunda Kama entered the Vatican, and went to Pope Innocence. "Emminence, the Beijing has returned. They have discovered a great civilization."
"What civilization is this?"
"They are the oldest planet population yet known in our Milky Way galaxy."
The Pope stroked his crusifix a moment then looked up. "What do they propose?"
"Nothing Holiness." He paused then went on. "It is believed we will make a proposal to them."

Okay enough of my rant.

[ The RV could move. It would move anywhere it would not get stuck. Will actually had to build road sized paths in order get from the original base camp to three other camps.].. If it would not get stuck, why did he need to build roads? For a smother ride?

[ "As you are attempting yourselves with Andromeda. What information can you share with us on our neighboring galaxy?"] attempting? Didn't understand that.


just bob... feel free to throw rocks at me.
18
18
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Bee... Intresting. Portraying the emotions of this girl as she looks through the belongings of her 'Best Friend', is done well. ... BUT
(you knew there would be a 'but'... sorry)
The constant repitition of .. her grandmother.. starts to hit the reader very early, and starts to 'jump out', interrupting the flow of the story.
[She read the words that told of her Grandmother's heartache at losing him,] As the reader knows who, just...' told of the heartache she felt ' would be good enough.
(also... repitition)
[ she opened it, reading the words written there ... She read the words that told ]

just bob..... feel free to throw rocks at me.
19
19
Review of Prolouge  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Intresting intro.

I would change [ I so did say ] to 'I really did say that.'
And [ to the life, a year ago,] to 'the life that ,just a year ago, I would'

a thought from just bob....
20
20
Review of my first attempt  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi. Could be an intresting story.
A few things I noticed... my comments in blue

[ Prologue
Eucadia was once a strong and powerful nation, a nation governed by 3 simple rules.]
.. three.. always spell it out..(except dates) Most often a Prologue is not necessary. This info can be brought into the story when... and if... needed.

[Morning had arrived in the city of Green Port and Karl a gun smiths son was sound asleep,]
Karl, a gun smith's son, was sound asleep, ( I would make this the opening line of the story) 'repitition of Karl'.. once named, your reader will know who 'he' is. 'Run on sentences'... two or more thoughts joined by a comma... [ Karl jumped from his bed and raced to the window to see if he could determine the cause of the commotion, upon leaning out of his window Karl noticed ] 'He' jumped..... commotion. Leaning out, 'he' noticed... (this also removes un necessary wording) I would also delete..['see if he could ]

[city of Green Port, the city is the crown jewel of the united nations, it consists of sprawling country side as far as the eye can see, massive industrial and financial sectors surrounded by beautifully constructed residential areas.]
While watching, he could notice this if his window was high enough. That way it would be 'his' thoughts, not 'you' telling us.

[ Karl noticed two government peace keepers sprawled out on the concrete, next to a upturned market stall, it became apparent to Karl that Fulke the neighbourhood drunk was the cause of the disturbance, his must of lost his footing stumbling home from another night of heavy drinking, I’m glad I wasn’t the one who broke Fulke’s fall Karl thought to him self, Fulke was a beast of man, standing at least 6’5 , with broad shoulders and tree trunk arms.]
run on sentences... market stall. (suggest) Next to the stall, the ( neighborhood) drunk, Fulke, was also sprawled out. Looking at the beast of a man, nearly six and a half feet tall, and with his tree trunk arms and broad shoulders, caused Karl to think, I'm glad it wasn't me trying to break his fall. ( again, this is Karl, not you, describing the man)

[ Karl wasn’t a lover of violence but his life had become so stale and uneventful that any form of civil disruption or unrest was a welcome break.]
'He' wasn't... ( this could be the best place to mention... [ Ten years have passed since the union of the free nations and despite rumors of massive military activity from Valbournes borders peace still reigns.] Karl could be thinking about this while hoping for some action from below to relieve the boredom.

Don't know if this helps you.. they are 'only' my suggestions. Go ahead and throw rocks at me..."grinnn"
just bob









21
21
In affiliation with  
Rated: | (3.5)
Hi. This is a well researched article... (suggest you give credit to the sources... and never copy them word for word)

There are a few minor errors, and I'll make a few suggestions...in blue

[. He said that at some point in time the continent broke from Pangaea and drifted to their current positions.]
the contintes broke

[ continental drift. He learned of fossil organisms that had been found on different continents but could not have crossed the oceans that currently exist between those continents.]
repitition... suggest 'between THEM

[There is a band of mountains in western Europe that are similar and the same age as the Appalachians. This suggests that the mountains formed at the same time, when the continents were connected in the past.]
unnecessary wording... sugg... 'formed when the continents were still connected.

[<begin page 2>
. They had their own explanations for the features and phenomena that were occurring o n the surface of Earth.]
on

[A huge mountain chain, or ridge, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean was studied. It is part of a huge mountain chain that runs through Earth’s ocean basins. ]
the Mid Atlantic Ridge is a single entity... sugg... it is similar to ridges running through other ocean basins on Earth.

[When a continental plate and an oceanic plate collide, the older, denser oceanic plate will subduct under the continental plate. As it sinks, it will pull the plate that is behind it with it, This is called slab pull. ]
sugg delete 'with it'

[Scientists will determine the difference in time between the arrival of the P wave and the arrival of the S wave and measure that distance along the y-axis.]
suggest.. 'Scientests THEN determine'

[When that found, they will determine what distance that correlates to.]
sugg.. when that IS found, they determine what distance IT correlates to.

[When discussing the volcanic eruptiosn that occur on the surface of Earth’s crust, the nature of the eruption depends on the magma’s compitioion, temparure,]
composition

[ The Paleozoic saw a large increase in the number of marine organisms on the planet. By the end of the era, land plants, amphibians, reptiles and insects dominated live on Earth.]
life

[ It is believed that climate change was the cause of this extinction,don't forget the asteroid impact

The Cenozoic era began 65 million years ago and is also know as the Age of Mammals. With t he extinction]
THE

[Warmer air is less dense, which creates an area of low pressure in the region of the equator. The warm air from t he equator,]
sugg... 'Warm air from THE equator,

[This communication of convection cells every 30º of latitude and the Coriolis effect, creates patterns of air circulation ]
'accumulation' ??

[precipitation results. When the precipitation falls to the surface water can infiltrate into t he ground,]
sugg 'surface(,) water can infiltrate into THE ground'

[Another factor that is important to t he movement of surface currents is]
to THE

[ chemical makeup of the parent material impacts the fertility o f the resulting soil. ]
OF the soil

[a cold, dry climate will produce a think layer of mechanically weathered debris. ]
a THICK

[Soil influences soil, formation and can create dramatic differences in soil type over a localized area. Steep slopes support poorly ]
Slope ?? influences

[There are hundreds of soil types around t the world.] around the world

[Significant leaching in these areas removes materials such as calcite and silica making iron and aluminum to become concentrated in the soils.] suggest... ' ALLOWING' iron and

[With no plants to serve as protection, this soil becomes susceptible to soil erosion.] sugg.. susceptible to erosion. The 2nd 'soil' is redundant

[Water and wind move soil particles to different areas.] moveS

[This is often the case with nitrates in t he soil.] THE... there were a lot of these THEs with an extra space... could be something you don't realize you're doing

[Crop rotation or planting different crops in a field every few years also helps reduce the nutrient depletion of the soil which can occur.] which can occure, is redundant. suggest ' of the soil.'


just bob's thoughts... go ahead and throw rocks at me.."grinnn"
22
22
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi again.
I spotted a few things... (they're getting harder to find now)


[ Not everything we did was for the best, thinking back ]
... for the best. Thinking back..


[Mickey Jones that day took time to meet and talk to as many people as he could.] suggest... 'took time that day'


[This was not intentional Taran was the answer to our prayers and we were blinded by that gift.] ... not intentional. Taran...

just bob
23
23
Rated: E | (4.0)
Just me again... "grinnn"
Found one, and one you missed while correcting from my last review..


[Joyce is a self-proclaimed profit, ] prophet = soothsayer profit = monitary gain

[ “Love you more mommy, to the] Mommy

Great work... waiting for more.
Just bob
24
24
In affiliation with  
Rated: E
Very good... but ( "grinnn" )


[Imagine Hanging from a cliff with all your ] lc h.. hanging

[ door, Taran’s head move back and forth like a spectator at a tennis match. ] }c:blue}sugg 'was moving'

[ between his feet is his backpack. Ready to snatch and run, his left hand hovers ] backpack, ready to snatch and run. His left hand...

[ miss the School bus mommy.” ... “Okay mommy, ... “Oh’ Sorry, I love you mommy ... “Love you more mommy, to the moon ... “Love you too daddy”

] Mommy.. Mommy. To the.. Daddy'.'"

[ finishes his breakfast in record time, as he swallowed the last bite] sugg. 'finished' his.... time. As he

[ the door just in front of Taran. Swiped at his hair, and took his hand. ] of 'him', swiped his hair, and

Easy fixes... you may have already done so...... just bob

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
25
25
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hummmmm. I could find no errors... (and you know how I love finding errors.. "grinnn")

“There’s Coach Mark.” Taran blurted out from the back seat of the car.

”Do you see him daddy?”


Although I would move , "Do you see...?" to the same line as, 'blurted... I noticed this in the 'printed copy' you gave me also. It's one line, with Taran continuing to speak.

just bob
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