Hi again....
in this one I'd change 2 things
('but' my heart hears no sound.)(no comma)
(No one was sincere.)
The emotion and feeling is there in this poem, but
I think you're stretching to rhyme every line.
better to rhyme line 2 and 4, although that's just my
thought.
just bob
Hi...a few thoughts
repitition...(barking) ( the noise was not rare)
long lines..breaks the flow...suggest
(Wondering who'd be)
(opened the gate, and couldn't believe)(not seen since summer)
(sun was 'ready' to rise)
(realizing her mother was)
Its your poem..I just can't resist messing with it.."grinn"
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Very good...you missed a few end-quotes in all but ...city is dying."
dbl-space between paragraphs are misplaced in a few places.... I have used ... rather than all your words.
( ...our city is dying."
dbl-space
The storyteller wheezed and lay back....."Now my children, I have told you....." The old man caughed...
...and sat up to gulp at it.
dbl-sp
Rehan backed away from his hiding place.....
"You, street rat," bellowed a deep voice....)
Hope this helps a bit...you have a livley imagination...keep up the good work.
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I have seent GPs to offset the auto-reward.
I found no errors in the writing...however...
repitition...
(Johnson lit a cigarette...quickly lighting cigarettes..)
(they trooped off into the jungle...they quietly trooped through the jungle..)
(..above Lieutenant Rogers. Rogers jumped.)
better...Jumping and spinning around, the lieutenant exclamed, "What the hell, Jameson?"
Also...A squad..9 men..no sergeant only a squad leader(Corporal)
platoon...4 squads 1 sergeant 1 Lieutenant
company...4 platoons 1 Captain
Division...4 companies
Therefore...the squad (recon?) would be mentioned first
Platoon...(1st..2nd ect)
Company (Charlie..Delta..ect)
And only then would you mention the 82nd Airborne
You could say...( The men of Sergeant Johnson's 2nd. Platoon, a part of the 82nd Airborne, woke...)
Firing a gun at a lowley snake while on patrole would be a no-no...alerts every VC within miles
A story about war...soldiers and the like will be the readers..you must keep the facts straight
Well written article...however
Feral cats...those living in the wild...are destructive vermin. (very prolific vermin with no natural enemies)
No hunter would wander the streets of your town shooting stray cats. 'BUT' Those living in the wild...like the ones destroying the quail on my farm...need to be eliminated.
(also...feral domesticated is an oxymoron...they can't be both)
Very good story...imaginative.
I did find a few minor problems.
Mixed View Points...ie
In the line starting..("No, no it is not your fault..) this is her VP.
(Wait...I screamed at her..) his VP
("do not worry...) her VP again.
("Would you like to come out of there?" she offered. I answered...) Without the " ", it would stay in his VP..(When she asked if I would like to come out, I answered..)
ALSO...you may get a ticket from the Physics Police.
A large planet would NOT support large creatures and tall buildings. The increased gravity would make them short..the buildings low domes...In a lighter gravity gigantism would be possible.
(I couldn't believe I was still alive..) Physics Police again..in a lighter grav. maybe. In a heavier one? No way...sorry.
In another spot...(Watching the powerful mandibles)
Mandible .. Bony protrusion..Jaw-like mouth parts.
Not like the mouth of a feline with soft lips.
Check out My contest...I'm looking for good Sci-Fi weiters like you.
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Very good...the only errors I found were the use of Dr. and Mr. Allways spell it out. Doctor Mister.
An aside...I hate the dbl-spaces all on Wri.Com seem to use, but that's just me.
As you asked..no. this would not fit in the Anthology, but you have the warped mind that I'm looking for.
Check out the story-line of 'Epic', then give us an outline of the story you'd like to add to ours.
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Sorry askeral...as a childrens story this is too intense and gruesome...the last chapter is unrealistic.
Young children wouldn't understand most of the words, and older children would not be intrested.
As with any story, each View-Point change is a new line
ie...
"Do you want to go?" she asked.
"Yes." he answered.
In this you have many different animals talking in one unbroken line. If three act or speak, that would be three seperate lines.
If you wish to write for children, keep the words simple and the story light and fun.
DuraH
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Hi dougal..I'm back.
I noticed the low rating on this.(no crying..okay?)
With the 'subject' and the 'humor' it could be a five.
(with just a bit of work)
The prob.? More words than necessary, breaking the rhythm. also punct...example
(Finally he decided on a set of double doors just like 'your'(you're)at a bank.
You know where you feel 'your'in a fish tank.)
better..
(He decided on double-doors, just like in a bank.
YOU know, where you feel you're in a fish-tank?)
To break up the lines..door..more..before..store.
I suggest moving(after re-wording)the lines...
(So here I do vent & Yes, that is what..) To just after the 'fish-tank' line.
Just my thoughts..go ahead and throw rocks at me.
DuraH (a poetic Klingon??)
Hi Again...
A few thoughts
(This morning there 'were'...)
(...basket cases (.) We...)
(...drug's'...)
( Okay...not Ok )
(...you who are listening '?')
(..just read this 'whole'...)
note...Don't blame Realitors...they just work for a living..and it 'is' work.
Made me smile? Yes it did!
DuraH (ex-Californian)
Good thoughts...Reviewing is hard work; but important.
Honest, helpful, reviews are few on this site. Some rate high just to be 'nice', others rate low because they don't like the 'content of the piece'.
I rate only on the tech., and I'm not above offering suggestions.
DuraH (not good enough to get PUBLISHED...YET)
Rebecca This is a great poem. Very well thought out.
However...The title
I expected a dissertation on the evolution of Man.
Perhaps others are 'not' reading this great work because the title doesn't pull them in.
Just a thought.
DuraH
Hi again Vickie. Thanks for the kind words about "Can You Hold Love' I decided to drop by your port again.
This piece was delightful. A great read..
DuraH (a hoplessly romantic Klingon??)
majQa'...'e'loDchu' Dajunpu'...batlh luqawpu'
Very good...you captured that man perfictly...
He will be remembered with honor.
(I can offer nothing to improve this one)
DuraH (a sentimental old Klingon)
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Hi Kara. This is a very cute story. I'm glad that you like to write stories. My granddaughter, Haley, likes to write, but she is shy and will not put them on this web-site. Maybe some day she will.
I will tell her to read your story, then she may stop being shy. I like your picture. I'm just a scary old man. Here is my picture.
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Hi Miche. That was 'fun'...and punny?
2 should be two, but even that is redundant.
( twin sisters named Gnu ??)
Sorry...couldn't help meddling...go ahead and throw rocks at me.
DuraH (a poetic Klingon??)
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Great thoughts..very good poem..should be manditory reading in all schools.
(Brown she was, suggests some sort...) reads wrong
suggest..She was...suggesting..
(what mattered is..) sugg. was
(studies) sugg. dropping the 's' for a smoother read
Just the thoughts of this old Klingon
DuraH
Hi Forestsage..intresting story.
a few thoughts
Second line...had been 'undone'?
No dbl-space before 'The air swirled..' It's one thought..one paragraph.
( beneath 'his' boots ) we know who..avoid repitition.
About the voice calling his name..you can stay in his VP, and avoid rep. also avoid past-tense using 'ing'.
ie...(He heard a familiar voice calling his name. Gaizing across the meadow, he noticed...)
(around thirty feet) not necessary. call a thi a thi, and leave it at that. also..a circle has no length, just width.
rep. again..( the figure that had called out to 'him')
When describing Harnor, we can only see what Usuna sees. Beyond that, Usuna will have to tell us.
(Usuna knew there was a bald head under that helmet, and many tatoos under his armor.)
No dbl-spaces in a conversation...save those for paragraph breaks..just a new indented line.
DuraH
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WoW...If you don't develop this into a novel, I'll slap you up 'long side the head.
A few thoughts...You could make it more 'real-time' by replacing the 'ed' words.
ie..Projecting his thoughts to the flight commander, the science specialest stated, "We have...." This eliminates the need for the line..(there was no sound.)
Immediately your reader 'knows' how their communicating.
(The Aki had evolved) Having evolved as far...their bodies had long been given up in favor of...
Now your reader is pulled into the Aki, and wants to know more...Also, you've given a strong hint about the 'sutible host'.
(Manipulation of...) This paragraph is great...don't change a word.
(he could feel the awe...) This is a new line.
No dbl-space in a conversation..even a telipathic one.
Okay...get to writing this.
DuraH (an old Klingon)
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Put down that journal, and get back to writing your BOOK. Journals and blogs, are an excuse to avoid the WORK of writing.
My sin is reviewing. I know I should be working on my story, but here I am reviewing...it's like a narcotic.
DuraH (a procrastinating Klingon)
This is very good...I wondered why you CAPed the first word in each line. My comp. auto-caps each, then I have to go back and change them.
The cap. doesn't distract from the poem..just wanted to know if it wes intentional.
DuraH ( a poetic Klingon)
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Very expresive writing...lets a reader feel,and smell,
the experience.
one typo (officers) pry his hands..
In a few spots, you have repeated words. This distracts a reader. ex..(lined with several BAKERIES.
we go into one of the BAKERIES.)
(rows of warm BREADS...
the BREAD tastes...)
better (we go into one of them.)(it tastes even better)
Just a few thoughts...
DuraH (My surrogate daughter is a cross-border baby)
Hi ghost. good story good tech.
a few thoughts...
Mister Cline..allways spell it out.
You have a lot of missplaced dbl-spaces
no dbl-sp in conversations, only paragraph brakes.
example...one para. describing Brian Austin.
(Brian Austin was the communications officer,...
(He was also the wild-card...)all one para. The next Para describes someone else.
I found no typos or missplaced commas.
One thing..22% oxygen? that's not high. Earth norm. is 24 to 25% if I remember correctly.
DuraH (an old Klingon)
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