Hi Lewis Clarke and welcome to WDC! Since you requested help with punctuation in the description, I thought I would read this over for you. I'm a cat lover myself and was curious on what the cat family does when faced with an intruder. My first impressions are that I think this might need more. You spend a lot of time describing the cats, but I think that this little story could use more about their feelings. Do they miss their mother? How do they feel about where they live?
Remember that these comments are only my opinion and if anything here is technically incorrect, I apologize in advance. These comments were given in the spirit of reviewing and are meant to help you improve this piece.
Inside dimly lit items that had been forgotten many years ago.
This sentence seems incomplete to me, I think it needs a verb after Inside
A book shelf, couch, boxes and a tall china cabinet, all there never to be used again but, kept for memories sake.
I believe book shelf is one word. You need a comma after boxes to complete the list and the comma after cabinet should be a semi-colon. You don't need the comma after but. This sentence seems incomplete too, you might tack this one onto the previous sentence with a colon, because you're listing the items that are inside. I'm not sure, but I think memories should be memory's since it could be reworded as for the sake of memory.
...slit of the doorway letting a small...
letting should be let
tomcat means that the cat is male, so you only need one of these.
His body was mostly shiny black fur.
I think you might need to move mostly or reword the sentence. It reads that his fur was mostly shiny and that sounds a little odd.
His paws were white and his legs and underside were white.
If you say that his legs were white, that implies that the entire leg, including the paws are white.
Most interesting was two, oblong patches...
Since there are more than one, was should be were and you don't need that comma.
He had this mustache since birth...
Generally, all cats live with the same markings their entire lives, so you don't need to state that he'd had the mustache since birth.
He lifted his head pointing his nose upward...
You need a comma after head because He lifted his head, is a phrase and then the stuff after explains further what he's doing.
His nostrils flaring and pupils wide open.
If you want to keep flaring, then you need a verb to go with it, otherwise, it should be flared. You also need a verb after pupils since there are two subjects here and each needs its own verb.
Most of his legs were white...
I think this sentence could use a little rewording, or instead of Most you could use Mostly. For instance: Mostly, his legs were white... But most of his legs gives me the impression that he has many legs.
All the clan was Scottish folds.
I'm a little confused by this sentence. Is Scottish folds a breed? If so, folds should be capitalized too.
...wisps of fur, in patches, over her entire body.
You don't need the commas around in patches
Her pupil sat at the bottom of her eye like the sun on the horizon.
I think you might need to be a little more specific with this sentence. I think bottom might be the wrong word to describe it. Perhaps, you could describe it in relation to her eyelids and I'm wondering how such a deformity occurs. Cat pupils are vertical slits, so I'm not sure how it would look like the sun on the horizon unless her pupils were a different shape too.
...as all brothers and sisters...
You don't need the all here.
He steadied himself...and leap to the top...
Since the story is in past tense, leap should be leaped.
Legs out in front tail fully extended.
I think since in the previous sentence you stated that he was fully stretched out, you don't need this one to reiterate how he stretched out.
...vanquish his, much larger, adversary.
You don't need the commas here.
The strength and determination that made him king.
I don't think that this is a complete sentence, you might add it to the sentence before it.
Fur and dust was floating in the air...
Since you have two things, was should be were.
Remember that even names ending in 's' still need apostrophes to show possession. So the possessive form of Angus would be Angus'. Since there is only one intruder, the possessive form should be intruder's
I believe that spot light is one word.
Dust like tiny snow flakes fell all about him revealed by the sunlight.
This is a good sentence, but I think that it might read better reworded, put revealed by the sunlight at the beginning-that's up to you though. I think you need commas around like tiny snowflakes and before revealed if you keep it there.
I believe that it's customary to spell out numbers less than one hundred.
This story has some good parts, but could benefit from more. As of right now, the plot seems a little flat to me. The story does get exciting when the grey cat shows up, but I think the first half could use an extra level. Talk about their feelings. How does Sarah feel about being the smallest? Do her brothers treat her different because of her eye? Questions like these will help to round out the story and give the characters another dimension to their personalities. I also think that you need to break up the last paragraph more, it's a little long. Find places where you describe movement or the cats change places.
Since I don't know everything, I've put down a website here about comma usage. I think it also has other things for more punctuation, if you're curious and would like to check it out.
Please don't be discouraged by the rating, you have a good base with this story and there are a lot of places that you can expand on. We all have to start somewhere, so keep working and you'll get better. If you write more and would like me to read it again, let me know and I'd be more than happy to help you some more. If you have any questions please let me know.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **