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Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi justme ! Welcome to WDC! Thank you for sharing this piece. It is my pleasure to read and rate this for the Talent Pond's Review Hockey! Please remember that my comments are only my opinion. I am not an expert by any means, so if I have suggested something grammatically inaccurate, I apologize. As always, feel free to take only the suggestions that you feel are right and true for you and your work and disregard the rest. Let's get reviewing!

*Idea*First Impressions*Idea*
After reading this, my first thoughts are that I wonder what is going to happen to this family. I am also curious as to if the story is going to follow all the family members, or if it's going to concentrate on one. As of right now, I'm not quite sure what the plot is, so you might want to introduce the central plot soon. I'm also having a little trouble relating to the main character since I don't know his or her name or what he or she looks like.

*Pencil*Technical Suggestions*Pencil*
Remember that you need a comma in between a city and its state. Harbert, Michigan

In the second paragraph, you have apostrophes following the team names, and they seem out of place. There should be commas there since you are listing the teams Herby likes.

You wrote: You would hear him yelling...
I think instead of using you, meaning the reader, as the subject, the sentence might work better if one of the characters hears Herby's yells. Do you know what I mean? I think it's better to describe the character's reactions to Herby than to address the reader and tell him or her that he or she's hearing something.

You wrote: Rolling over my heart was full of appreciation and sadness.
While this is a good sentence with strong descriptive words, it needs a comma to separate the phrase Rolling over from the rest. Otherwise, there's no physical pause to show the break in the sentence and might read Rolling over my heart... instead of Rolling over, my heart...

You wrote: His label, Favorite.
I think that the comma should be a colon, because you're explaining his label without using any verbs. Same goes for the sentence before it. Since there's no verb, you need a colon after George.

You wrote: His aspiration was to be a police officer, however his favorite game to play was, Al Capone and Bugs Moran.
The first comma should be a semi-colon, because that first part of the sentence is a complete phrase. Then you can put the comma after however, as the conjunction for the two complete phrases. I also think that the second comma is unnecessary, since you have your verb was.

A couple places you use then that should be than. Then is a continuation, than is used in comparisons. For instance, George is four years older than I am.

threw-out= throughout

eight-teen= eighteen

Make sure to watch your tenses. This seems to change between present and past tense. Since you start the story with I was born. make sure you use verbs like was instead of is.

*Snow3*Overall*Snow3*
Please don't be discouraged by the *Star**Star**Halfstar* rating. This story can go a lot of places, and it concerns a subject that a lot of people can relate to. When I read about this family, I am reminded a little of my own and can remember that we all have strange families. I'm curious to read more of the relationship between Herby and the main character. They seem close and I like that the main character makes Herby read even when he thinks he can't. I'd also like to learn what the main character thinks about his or her family members and how those relationships shaped who he or she grew to be. You have a good start here with some funny and interesting descriptions around the characters' behaviors. This is only just beginning, so keep going!

If you have any questions, or would like me to look this over again when you write more, feel free to let me know. Keep writing!

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2
2
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi ReadingReindeer Hibernation ! Thank you for sharing this piece. It is my pleasure to read and rate this for the Talent Pond's Review Hockey! Please remember that my comments are only my opinion. I am not an expert by any means, so if I have suggested something grammatically inaccurate, I apologize. As always, feel free to take only the suggestions that you feel are right and true for you and your work and disregard the rest. Let's get reviewing!

*Idea*First Impressions*Idea*
I had to chuckle at the title. This is a cute little poem. I really like poems that have a story to them and this story you've created is very easy to follow with a clear beginning, middle, and end. I also like the idea that the narrator wants to find someone special on New Year's Eve. The subject is something that a lot of people can relate to. Good work!

*Pencil*Technical Suggestions*Pencil*
The only thing that I can think of is that I would like a little more punctuation. There are complete sentences that don't have periods at the end. Also, a couple of the lines allude to dialogue, but there are no quotations marks indicating so. Not all of the lines start with a capital letter, so I think that you might want to make them all that way, or do so to coincide with the complete sentences that you have.

*Snow3*Overall*Snow3*
Nice job with this one. I gave you *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar* because I enjoyed reading this, but would prefer more punctuation to help to make the phrases a little clearer. Besides that, I think this flows nicely and was fun to read. Good story line and cute ending. I can see the narrator going to the woman and asking for what he needs and then the hippopotamus in the end. *Thumbsup*

Good work and write on!

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3
3
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Nathan Brekel ! Thank you for sharing this piece. It is my pleasure to read and rate this for the Talent Pond's Review Hockey! Please remember that my comments are only my opinion. I am not an expert by any means, so if I have suggested something grammatically inaccurate, I apologize. As always, feel free to take only the suggestions that you feel are right and true for you and your work and disregard the rest. Let's get reviewing!

*Idea*First Impressions*Idea*
I was intrigued by the title and the description. I am a fan of mysteries and strange people that hide what they're doing. My first impressions of this are that I'm very curious as to this new family and what kind of a dark past they have. There has to be something wrong with the father for him to go shooting at a young boy like that.

*Pencil*Technical Suggestions*Pencil*
Because this was Timmy's house...
I think to put more emphasis on his first sight of her and make it a little more important, that was until he saw her. could be it's own sentence. That was, until he saw her.

Panick is spelled Panic. In that same sentence, you have ...as that scurried..., I believe that should be they

I believe that it's customary to spell out numbers under one hundred. So, 13 should be thirteen and 2nd should be second

Running, Henry looked backed...
backed should be back

You use past tense for this story, but there are a couple of spots where you use has instead of had. I almost feel as though the last sentence should be in past tense as well, but I can't decide. It almost feels like a tag line for the continuation of the story, so I'm not sure.

*Snow3*Overall*Snow3*
I gave you *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar* because I think you have a good base here for a thrilling story about this bizarre, new family, but there are places that I think could be expanded on. For instance, I'd like to read a little more about Henry's first impressions of this girl. What did she look like? What about her does he find beautiful? What kind of person does she seem to be? Same thing with the parents; what do they look like? Do they appear nice, or is there something odd about them? Also, in the first couple sentences, you talk about how Henry likes to smell the air and watch the clouds. You could expand here and describe what the air smelled like and what the clouds looked like. Does he look for animals or people in the fluffy clouds? Or, are the clouds wispy and have no discernible shape? How does Henry feel about being shot at? These kinds of little things will help stimulate all the reader's senses and get them into the story right along with the characters.

If you have any questions, or would like me to read this over again when you edit it, feel free to let me know. Again, good start. Keep working with this; it has a lot of potential.

Keep writing!

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4
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 ! These musings are not only helpful for short stories, but a lot of them transcend to all forms of writing. I found this extremely helpful and well written. I particularly liked how this piece was split up into sections and each one had excellent examples of the not so great and better ways to write. Being that they're in blue, they pop out from the rest of the text and make it even easier to read. The section on Point of View was especially helpful to me since I tend to jump into the speaker's head and tell what they're thinking. I didn't even realize that that was a bad thing, so thank you for putting me straight and teaching me how to do it better. I often have difficulties making my stories short, so if I ever attempt another short story, I'll keep your musings in my favorites for future reference. I also enjoyed the quotes from famous authors. They're obviously famous for good reasons, and you've chosen some great quotes to help cement the ideas you're putting across.

Since your examples were so well written, I didn't expect to find any grammatical or spelling errors, and I didn't. So, great work. Write on!!!

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5
5
Review of Are We There Yet?  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
First Impressions
Hello again, Just call me Omni and congratulations on being The Blazin' Hot Reviews' Featured Author! Another congratulations is in order for this winning the contest; it deserved it. The ending did come as quite a shock and was a little sad. However, you did a great job with keeping the surprise until the very end. This reminds me a little of my family; I'd rather not see my father's family, but sometimes you have to. Great work!

Technical Comments
You did well with your spelling and grammar. Watch how much you use "I" when starting a sentence. This can be especially difficult to control when using first person. I know I have to keep an eye on myself when I write first person. Using "I" a lot to start the sentence can get a little repetitive and sometimes if you find different ways to say the same thing, it can make the story more interesting. Below I've posted a website that really helped me with this problem and I hope that it can be of use to you if you decide to edit this or write more stories with this particular pov.
http://www.fictionfactor.com/guests/firstpov.html

Overall
I gave you four and a half stars because the overuse of "I" to start sentences makes it a little less interesting than it could be. Other than that, I thought this was a very enjoyable read. I really liked how the main character was annoyed by the people she/he drove with. I, personally, think that first person pov is my favorite since I like to put myself in the main character's shoes and can connect better with her as I travel her experiences. You did a great job weaving the story around the words that the contest required you to have.

Great job! Write on!!!
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6
6
Review of Bleed  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
First Impressions
Hi Just call me Omni and congratulations on being the Featured Author for the Blazin' Hot Reviews! My first impressions of this piece are that it is very powerful and emotional. I find that I enjoy the darker poems more because they seem to evoke more emotion and can really touch your soul if written correctly. You have touched me with this one. Wonderful work!

Technical Comments
I don't really have anything critical to say about this one. The only thing that I can think of is that I'm not sure if you need the ellipses. I think it would flow just as well without them, but that's up to you whether or not you leave them in.

Overall
I gave you five stars because I enjoyed this one and can relate a little to the feeling of being numb inside. Because this poem is connected to true feelings and pure emotion, it helps to bring a certain depth and helps pull me in and feel those feelings along with you.

Again, awesome work! Write on!!!

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7
7
Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: E | (2.0)
First Impressions
Hi Lewis Clarke and welcome to WDC! Since you requested help with punctuation in the description, I thought I would read this over for you. I'm a cat lover myself and was curious on what the cat family does when faced with an intruder. My first impressions are that I think this might need more. You spend a lot of time describing the cats, but I think that this little story could use more about their feelings. Do they miss their mother? How do they feel about where they live?

Remember that these comments are only my opinion and if anything here is technically incorrect, I apologize in advance. These comments were given in the spirit of reviewing and are meant to help you improve this piece.

Technical Comments
Inside dimly lit items that had been forgotten many years ago.
This sentence seems incomplete to me, I think it needs a verb after Inside

A book shelf, couch, boxes and a tall china cabinet, all there never to be used again but, kept for memories sake.
I believe book shelf is one word. You need a comma after boxes to complete the list and the comma after cabinet should be a semi-colon. You don't need the comma after but. This sentence seems incomplete too, you might tack this one onto the previous sentence with a colon, because you're listing the items that are inside. I'm not sure, but I think memories should be memory's since it could be reworded as for the sake of memory.

...slit of the doorway letting a small...
letting should be let

male tomcat
tomcat means that the cat is male, so you only need one of these.

His body was mostly shiny black fur.
I think you might need to move mostly or reword the sentence. It reads that his fur was mostly shiny and that sounds a little odd.

His paws were white and his legs and underside were white.
If you say that his legs were white, that implies that the entire leg, including the paws are white.

Most interesting was two, oblong patches...
Since there are more than one, was should be were and you don't need that comma.

He had this mustache since birth...
Generally, all cats live with the same markings their entire lives, so you don't need to state that he'd had the mustache since birth.

He lifted his head pointing his nose upward...
You need a comma after head because He lifted his head, is a phrase and then the stuff after explains further what he's doing.

His nostrils flaring and pupils wide open.
If you want to keep flaring, then you need a verb to go with it, otherwise, it should be flared. You also need a verb after pupils since there are two subjects here and each needs its own verb.

Most of his legs were white...
I think this sentence could use a little rewording, or instead of Most you could use Mostly. For instance: Mostly, his legs were white... But most of his legs gives me the impression that he has many legs.

All the clan was Scottish folds.
I'm a little confused by this sentence. Is Scottish folds a breed? If so, folds should be capitalized too.

...wisps of fur, in patches, over her entire body.
You don't need the commas around in patches

Her pupil sat at the bottom of her eye like the sun on the horizon.
I think you might need to be a little more specific with this sentence. I think bottom might be the wrong word to describe it. Perhaps, you could describe it in relation to her eyelids and I'm wondering how such a deformity occurs. Cat pupils are vertical slits, so I'm not sure how it would look like the sun on the horizon unless her pupils were a different shape too.

...as all brothers and sisters...
You don't need the all here.

He steadied himself...and leap to the top...
Since the story is in past tense, leap should be leaped.

Legs out in front tail fully extended.
I think since in the previous sentence you stated that he was fully stretched out, you don't need this one to reiterate how he stretched out.

...vanquish his, much larger, adversary.
You don't need the commas here.

The strength and determination that made him king.
I don't think that this is a complete sentence, you might add it to the sentence before it.

Fur and dust was floating in the air...
Since you have two things, was should be were.

Remember that even names ending in 's' still need apostrophes to show possession. So the possessive form of Angus would be Angus'. Since there is only one intruder, the possessive form should be intruder's

I believe that spot light is one word.

Dust like tiny snow flakes fell all about him revealed by the sunlight.
This is a good sentence, but I think that it might read better reworded, put revealed by the sunlight at the beginning-that's up to you though. I think you need commas around like tiny snowflakes and before revealed if you keep it there.

I believe that it's customary to spell out numbers less than one hundred.

Overall
This story has some good parts, but could benefit from more. As of right now, the plot seems a little flat to me. The story does get exciting when the grey cat shows up, but I think the first half could use an extra level. Talk about their feelings. How does Sarah feel about being the smallest? Do her brothers treat her different because of her eye? Questions like these will help to round out the story and give the characters another dimension to their personalities. I also think that you need to break up the last paragraph more, it's a little long. Find places where you describe movement or the cats change places.

Since I don't know everything, I've put down a website here about comma usage. I think it also has other things for more punctuation, if you're curious and would like to check it out.
http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp

Please don't be discouraged by the rating, you have a good base with this story and there are a lot of places that you can expand on. We all have to start somewhere, so keep working and you'll get better. If you write more and would like me to read it again, let me know and I'd be more than happy to help you some more. If you have any questions please let me know.

Keep writing!

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8
8
Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: E | (5.0)
First Impressions
Hello again Jace ! I thought that this was a really nice little story. I found it really refreshing and enjoyed reading a story about a man who was on a journey and met some really nice people.

Technical Comments
You use folk a couple times in the beginning, should it be folks? Other than that, which I wasn't sure about, I found no spelling or grammatical errors. *Thumbsup*

Overall
I think that this was a very nice little story. Even though Cedric went through a terrible ordeal, it didn't stop him from living his life. You did a great job at telling his story and keeping me enthralled with your story telling skills. Wonderful story!

Write on!!!

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9
9
Review of Success  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
First Impressions
Hello again Jace ! I find these severely limited word contents to be so terribly daunting that I'm too chicken to try them myself. So, I applaud you for taking a chance with those contests time and time again. *Bigsmile* That being said, I think you've done a great job at telling a story with so few words.

Technical Comments
I take it that this contest allows word repeats? That makes it a little easier than the 100 word no repeat contest. I couldn't see any spelling or grammatical errors and I counted fifty-five words exactly. *Thumbsup*

Overall
Again, awesome job at taking such a limited word count and creating something that is easy to read and makes sense. I can just imagine the soccer field and the kids running all over the place. I really like that one particular father doesn't berate his daughter for her lack of attention to the game.

Great work and write on!!!

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10
10
Review of The Streak  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
First Impressions
Hey Jace and congrats on being the newest featured author over at the Blazin' Hot Reviews! While reading this, I have that song going on in my head. Just the song itself gets me chuckling, and this exposing narrative is just as funny. You have a flair for storytelling. Great job!

Technical Comments
I couldn't find any spelling or grammatical errors. *Thumbsup*

Overall
I gave you *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star* because I think that this narrative was well thought out and well written. It seems to build up the suspense by explaining how others streaking led the men soldiers to want to do the same. I especially loved the final critique. I just wonder what their superiors said once they discovered what happened and how much the women were up in arms about it. *Bigsmile*

Great work! Write on!!!

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11
11
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
First Impressions
Once more Gothic Angel gone it is my utmost pleasure to read and rate this for you for the Blazin' Hot Reviews. For my last review, I decided to pick a really dark poem, because I like those the best. You have definitely lived up to the genre with this poem. I really feel the evil oozing from this and it makes me shiver in my seat. Awesome work!

Other Comments
I think my favorite line was In misery I dwell I think because it helps to show the darkness of the speaker. The other lines do that too, but I think this line especially stood out for me.

It took me a minute to find what Monchielle format was and its requirements and you've followed it to the letter! Great work! Since I'm not a poetry writer, I admire people who can write it in these strict forms and still come out with something great! I would almost think that a format could be a little constricting, but this poem flows really well and its easy to read and makes sense.

You've chosen great words to convey the darkness and evil like infernal. And it reads like a story in which the evil speaker is calling to the readers and beckoning them closer and closer to Hell.

Another awesome poem! Write on!!!

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12
12
Review of Dream Catcher.  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
First Impressions
Hi again Gothic Angel gone ! This piece is definitely at the other end of the spectrum to the passionate piece I just finished reading. You describe in detail the thoughts of someone who is feeling terribly about his or her life and worries that the sadness will eventually be too overwhelming. While reading this, I can feel right along with the speaker and sympathize with the pain felt. I think this subject is one that a lot of people can relate to. Depression is definitely more common than people realize.

Other Comments
I am drowning in an unimaginable, unbearable cesspool of hurt and loneliness that cannot be medicated.
I think this is my favorite line. It just oozes darkness and pain. cesspool was a great choice of words!

I don't think you need the comma in the second to last sentence after had in ...dreams of happiness I may have had, safe for me. It seems a little out of place there.

Again, great work. You have quite a talent for descriptions. If you have any questions, let me know. Write on!!!

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13
13
Review of Elf-kind  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Overall Impression
Hi Barsaces and welcome to WDC! You have a flair for descriptions and clearly portray these mystical creatures as believable beings. Their problems also come across as well founded and easy to relate to, especially among those of us who cherish nature.

Other Comments
Great use of some very descriptive, active words like ceremoniously and stupefied animal lust to give the reader a concise vision of what these beings are like.

I wish you luck with your endeavors here at WDC. If you have any questions, let me know. Keep writing!

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14
14
Review of Folgers Falls  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Overall Impression
Hi George R. Lasher ! It is my pleasure to read and rate this for you! What a great little story. Did this actually happen to you? I hate days like that; where nothing seems to go right. This piece flows really nicely and you've taken a humdrum morning and turned it into a funny interlude.

Other Comments
I love the way you describe Mark. I don't know how some people can be so perky all the time, the darn, young whippersnapper *Bigsmile*.

I can completely relate to the opening of the packet issue. While I don't drink coffee, the problem transcends to other items that are packaged this way. For me, too, the little starter tear hardly ever works. And when it does, it starts but then veers upwards and never opens it completely, so you have to flip it around to the other side where you can't get a proper grip at it.

There were no spelling or grammatical errors that I could find. Because of the nature of this piece, its lightheartedness made me forget that I have to look for those kinds of things. I was so wrapped up in the story and wanted to see Mark do something wrong.

Great work! Write on!

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15
15
Review of Red Wood  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Overall Impression
Hi Paul and welcome to WDC! I found this piece of flash fiction to be very interesting and creepy(in a good way). You have an original idea here around the old tree and the whispers that made Tom commit that terrible act. Good job describing the tree and what the whispers sound like. After I finished reading this, the end still leaves a little bit for the reader to question. It makes me wonder what the voices were saying and how many more people were going to be hurt because of them.

Other Comments
You vary your positioning of the punctuations around the quotation marks. In the first line, you have a comma after the quotation marks, but inside in the next paragraph. Make sure that your style is consistent throughout depending on where you're from (England: punctuation on the outside, U.S.: punctuation on the inside of the ending quotations).

Watch your tenses in the second paragraph. You have pull and sit (present tense) in the first sentence, but then things like countered and looked (past tense)later on. Make sure that you pick a tense and keep in consistent throughout.

Depending on the word limit of the contest, I would almost like to learn a little bit more about the main character. I think that's just because I almost feel there's more to the story that is hiding somewhere. I'm curious if the whispers are picky about who they talk to or if everyone who discovers it falls prey to the same fate. This also makes me wonder what is going to happen after he gets back home.

I think for the sake of length and the contest, you have a good ending point. It leaves just enough to have the reader's mouth open with disbelief about what happened, but then you don't have to explain anything.

Please know that these comments are only my opinion and were given in the spirit of reviewing, so feel free to take whatever you feel is most helpful to you. If you have any questions, please let me know. Keep writing and good luck in the contest!

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16
16
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Overall Impression
Hi Daniel Flatt and welcome to WDC! This prologue is a good start. This opening scene tells a little, but leaves the question of the 'master' unanswered, making the reader curious as to who he is. I feel bad for the man who was tricked into giving up his soul for whomever the being is. You have an interesting idea here, and it makes me want to know more about this creature and what is going to happen next. Good job describing the dagger. I think this story has a lot of potential. Keep going!

Other Comments
The man hold it hands shook even as he continued forward.
This is a little confusing. I think it might benefit from a little rewording in the first half or it needs another word. Something like The hands of the man holding it shook, even as he continued forward. for instance, but what you make it is up to you.

The hallway he was in opened into a fantastic cavern that looked to at one time had been of the Ancients make
This sentence is a little clumsy around the to at one time had been part. You might try rewording or simplifying that part to make it a little clearer. It also might help to give a little hint as to who these Ancients were in a following sentence.

What he didn't understand is why...
The is here should be was to keep the past tense of the story consistent.

It sputtered for a moment and then flared to life...and accumulated filth of years of disuse
Good sentence and use of imagery. It helps show how dirty the room is and how long it has been since anyone else had been in there.

The forms curled around the hilt and whatever...
In the previous sentence, you already mentioned that the forms curled around the hilt. It seems a little repetitive.

Remember that It's is a contraction for It is and the possessive form doesn't have an apostrophe Its. There are a few spots where you have It's that should be Its

Please know that these comments were given in the spirit of reviewing and are meant to help you improve this piece. If you have any questions, or would like me to read this again, please let me know. Keep writing!!

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17
17
Review of My Mr. Darcy  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Overall Impression
Hi Olivia Grace and welcome to WDC! Being a fan of Pride and Prejudice I was curious to read this. You have a flair for the narrative and have done a good job describing the main character and how despite her extensive travels, there is still one thing missing in her life. I really like how Austen's classic fuels the main character's search. I, too, hope to find my Mr. Darcy some day. I think this bit has the potential to lead to more; I hope you plan on continuing.

Other Comments
She seems so young to have done so much. I suppose it comes from having a wealthy family, which I didn't have. Because she seems to high-class, I'm having a little trouble relating to her.

I think I'd like to read more about her family situation before she left. The fact that she thought of her home as a 'glass house' seems to be just the tip of the iceberg in her troubles.

At the end, with her conversation with the man, make sure that you end all of the dialogue with some kind of punctuation. His dialogue doesn't have any.

Great start. Write on!!!

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18
18
Review of Chapter one  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Overall Impression
Hi Maje and welcome to WDC! This is a good start. You have some good descriptions about her feelings, the sounds around her, and why she's running. You leave just enough to the imagination to leave the reader wondering what the monster is and what is going to happen to this girl. I felt scared right along with her. Good job!

Other Comments
The sentence Dodging limbs and running as hard as her legs could take her. Isn't quite a complete sentence, I think you need a subject here.

You don't need that comma in between the two phrases. I think you could just put them in one set of quotation marks. If she's thinking those things, then they don't need to be separated.

You wrote: had ran ran should be run and later on in that sentence, you have face is it a typo?

You need a comma after farther so her dialogue has some sort of punctuation to end it.

You have "Snap", is she saying this? If it's a sound, then you might try italicizing it by putting {i} in front of it and {/i} after.

You have ...last things she would see was... There's an inconsistency in the numbers. If you have was then things should be thing

Please remember that these comments were given in the spirit of reviewing and are meant to help you improve this piece. If you have any questions, let me know. Keep writing!

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Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Overall Impression
Hi W.S. Ohm and welcome to WDC! I realize you're just getting started and don't have much yet, but I think you've got a good idea here. Keep going with this. I'm looking forward to reading more about the crash, who Justin is, and what happens to him.

Other Comments
In the description you have a couple errors. Wheter is spelled Whether and chose I think should be chosen

You have ...in the midnight midnight seems a little awkward to me. I think of it as a specific time and having in the before it doesn't quite sound right. Perhaps middle of the night or something like that.

lifes should be lives

accept should be except

I think Not in the sentence Not the cold... should be Neither since you're saying that there is more than one possibility of what scared him. I don't believe you need the first that, it kinda trips up the sentence.

You have ...imagine it do exists... I think you need to reword this part of the sentence. Or you could just say: ...he could never imagine existed... Something like that, but that's your decision.

Please remember that these comments were given in the spirit of reviewing and are meant to help you improve this piece. If you have any questions, please let me know. Keep writing!!

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Review of The Bar  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Overall Impression
Hi Paradoxical and welcome to WDC! This is a very interesting scene. This leaves me wondering what would happen to Gareth and whether or not he will continue to listen to the voices in his head. I hope that he doesn't and gets help. You've done a good job at portraying him and telling of his problems. I think I would have been a little afraid of him if he started rambling.

Other Comments
You wrote: He was sat... You have two verbs here, you only need one. I think sat might be a little more specific in showing how the narrator found Gareth.

In the third sentence, I don't think you need the first comma.

Fourth sentence, I think the comma after pattern should be a colon since you're introducing a list of the things Gareth does.

You wrote: He was telling me that the was is the a typo?

You wrote: it's taunts it's is a contraction for it is and here you need the possessive form of its

You wrote: ...he had argues... argues should be argued since the story is in past tense

I'm a little curious what the narrator was doing in Thailand and how he/she came upon the bar. I also think this story might benefit from a description of Gareth's appearance. That way, the reader can see him clearer.

This is a good start, but I think you need a little more descriptions so we can get full view of this troubled man and the setting.

Please remember that these comments were given in the spirit of reviewing and are meant to help you improve this piece. If you have any questions, please let me know. Keep writing!

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Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Overall Impression
Hi Jinx and welcome to WDC! This is a good start for this story. Karl is very mysterious and makes me curious as to when he is going to show up again. I think this story would benefit from some more descriptions. If Jessica's mother is Grecian, how did Jessica end up living with the main character? If she's not Grecian, what brought her mother to Greece? Things like that. I'm curious to learn more about the main character and what kind of troubles she is going to get in to in Greece. This story has potential, keep working with it!

Other Comments
...I seem to think it just winders off... I don't think you need seem to, I think it takes away from the present tense of the story. And I think you meant wanders and not winders

You wrote: ...knee high black high boots. I don't think you need the second high it seems a little repetitive, unless you meant that they're high-heeled. And I think knee high should be hyphened knee-high.

...black stranger... I think this is a little vague, to me, it seems to imply that his skin is also black, is it? I think you could add clad or in to say that his clothes were black. Something like, stranger clad in black or whatever you like best.

inpatient should be impatient

You wrote: ...not caring of they... I think of should be if

You wrote: ...I just watches watches should be watch

You wrote iPod out my pocket you need of in there iPod out of my pocket

purl is spelled pearl

You wrote He too had pale skin, a face made so perfectly. This sentence is a little vague, what do you mean He too had pale skin? What else about his face made it perfect?

friends' is plural, the apostrophe should be moved over a letter friend's

Wandering means to amble or move in a leisurely way, you want Wondering

She giggles and I pretended... You have two tenses here: past and present. You need to pick one and make sure that the tense is consistent throughout the story.

I'm curious to know how she got the nickname "Jinx"

The first two paragraphs are too large. Each time a new person speaks, their dialogue needs to be on a new line. That way, it's easier to keep track with who is saying what.

Please remember that these comments were given in the spirit of reviewing and are meant to help you improve this piece. If you have any questions, let me know. Keep writing!!

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22
Review of Secret Mission  
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again Annie , it is my pleasure to read and rate this for you. I enjoyed reading this. Great use of the prompt phrase. With the first lines of dialogue, they give this sense of urgency and it gives the story the air of an exciting adventure in the likes of Mission Impossible. I really liked the twist ending, and it's all just pretend. Playing pretend was always a favorite past time of mine when I was a kid. This piece of Flash Fiction takes me back.

Great job and congrats on getting honorable mention. Write on!!!


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23
23
Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Overall Impression
Hi Ludais and welcome to WDC! I enjoyed reading this. You've written this in a style that makes it very mysterious and intriguing. You've done a good job describing the shop and Elena, you really bring them to life. I wish you luck in the contest!

Other Comments
I believe Gipsy is spelled Gypsy

She carved it. I'm not quite sure what this means.

Again, good job with this. The ending leaves me wanting more. This makes me curious as to what's going to happen next and whether or not Elena will continue to pursue her dream without the bracelet.

Write on!!!

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24
Review by ~MorningStorm~
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Overall Impression
Hey KyrnanVale and welcome to WDC! You have a very interesting idea here. You've done a good job with describing the alley and the character's inner thoughts. The style helps to draw the reader in as if they're a part of it. I'm curious to learn more about this union, what happened, and what it will mean for their futures. This has a lot of potential, keep going!

Other Comments
In the second paragraph, ...special, is it can be hard... is and can are present tense, and the story is in past tense, so they should be was and could

You don't need the comma after Hunger in the part Hunger, urged him on...

entrence is spelled entrance

...mans scream since mans is possessive, it needs an apostrophe man's

...newcomer draining the life... I'm not sure, but draining doesn't quite sound right, I think it should be drain, but don't quote me on that.

Grasping the tiny knife she kept in her purse, just for such emergencies. This isn't quite a complete sentence, this is sort of an opening phrase, you need to tell us what she did after grasping the knife. Grasping the tiny knife... for such emergencies, shewhat?

How did he know where Gillian lived?

...girls apartment... girls here is possessive and needs an apostrophe girl's

So then, is it just him that has this ability or can all vampires have a keeper? I'm curious to know more about why he is special.

Please remember that these suggestions were given in the spirit of reviewing and are meant to help you. If you have any questions, please let me know. Keep writing!
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Review by ~MorningStorm~
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thanks for this informative piece. I found a couple of these familiar to me, in I often feel that way. I know it's always difficult for me to give something a low rating, but now I'll remember to back up those ratings with encouraging reviews that can help improve a piece. Reading this, I learned that it's okay to give something a low rating, and doing so is more honest than covering up their mistakes with a higher review that one can only hope will encourage the writer.

Thank you again for writing these very honest and straightforward ideas about reviewing. It seems that more often than not, a person's rating doesn't match their review. I can only hope that others will take rating and reviewing as seriously as you do.



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