I found this world and time of your story interesting, and I like how your villain briefly considers strangling his Aunt, to foreshadow his devious destiny.
I found what I think is an error: So you think bring Skipper is the only way to save your daddy's legacy?"
I think the word bring is supposed to be the word “being” but if I’m wrong, just ignore this advice. There were also one or two places where you had the word loose when I think you meant lose.
This was an amazing science fiction story that wouldn’t be out of place in a pro level sci fi magazine. The rise and fall of various civilizations throughout history has always fascinated me, and this story falls along those lines, despite describing a future era.
I like how the library seemed to be alive, and could communicate with the protagonist. I also like how you indented each paragraph. You must’ve really edited this very well, because I found no errors of any kind.
I loved this story, and think you should submit it to a magazine.
I enjoyed reading this, I had to look up the word lassitude. You have an impressive vocabulary. It was insightful to me that a woman would not want to be touched by a man if he was only interested in his own pleasure, that taught me to have more respect for women.
I hope writing this poem helped you to vent and write down the things that bothered you.
This was a strange story, but strange in a good way. You have quite the imagination for a 13 year old kid, I’m impressed. It’s interesting that you wrote that the magic cabin could only be entered once, it’s good to have rules and guidelines for how magic works.
I think you’re on your way to becoming a gifted writer!
This is a really good slice of a story opening right up with conflict, a good sign of great writing. It’s too bad most people who have problems like this in real life don’t choose to break off the wedding and end up married to someone who doesn’t share their values, or who has anger management issues like Claire.
I enjoyed your poem, and I also have an appreciation for music. I like many genres, including heavy metal and old school rock and roll from the 1950s and 1960s, as well as classical music by Mozart. I’m writing to honor the 23rd birthday week of Writing.com, and saw that you posted in the general discussion forum, so I thought I would give you a review.
You have a very artistic way of describing music, I like the way you put the poem together.
This was an interesting and informative article. I caught an error for you, eight paragraphs up from the bottom, you misspelled gravity. You left an “i” out of the word.
I like the idea of colonizing Mars, so any science fact articles like this intrigue me. Keep up the good work!
This was an interesting opening to a story, but you placed the word tortuously in a weird way. It seems like it should have a comma after it, or turn the word into tortuous, and drop the ly.
Another thing that was distracting was the indenting, it seems like each new paragraph starts halfway across the page. Indenting should be five characters in, at most.
I’ve never read a poem done in this style before, I think you handled it well. It would be interesting to know why they made you wear a girdle, I know you mentioned that you had to wear one, but in my opinion you should provide more information. Not in the poem itself, but under the word context.
You have a very creative mind to come up with a game like this! Bingo has always been a favorite game of mine, this inspires me to try to invent a new game for the next WDC birthday next year. That will also be my 20th anniversary of joining this site!
This was an interesting poem, I like the idea of time travel and the 1960s have always been an interesting decade to me personally. My parents met at a Jimi Hendrix concert in 1969, so I’ve always wanted to go back and witness that event.
It sounds like the author longs for those bygone years, the same way I long for the 1990s, the time of my early 20s. I can relate to wanting to go back to a simpler time.
In the areas that are colored purple, you have words after commas that need a space between the comma and the next word after the comma. You also misspelled laptop.
This was an interesting scenario, the character with a 150 IQ who is misunderstood by his family is an interesting concept. There are some who don’t want a genius for a child.
You struck a common chord with me and many other creative people. I believe that there are creators, and consumers. Creators must create, and people who don’t have that creative spark will never understand us.
I think it’s interesting that you named your muse.
This was an intense and imaginative story, made more interesting and plausible by the ordinary events at the beginning and middle of this piece.
I think there is an error in the first paragraph, someone is speaking, but there are only quotation marks at the end of the dialogue, but not at the beginning.
This was a strange yet interesting poem, I even learned a new word because I had to stop to look up the word emetic. I’ve heard of Dante’s Inferno, kids were reading it in junior high school, but I never got around to reading it. The font forced me to slow down and read it more slowly, enabling me to grasp the concept of this poem more clearly.
This was good, you have a definite grasp for comedy. I’ve written poetry for a creative writing class, but other than that, I don’t write it. I like reading poetry written by others, however.
It’s amazing when someone like you can tell a cohesive story and make it rhyme, that’s a rare ability.
This was an interesting personal story with a prophetic twist. I found it engaging and was curious to learn more about the consequences of that dream.
Four paragraphs up from the end, I think there are two paragraphs merged together. The sentence beginning with “If I know anything” seems like it should be the start of a separate paragraph. If I’m wrong, disregard this advice.
The shock ending caught me by surprise, I wasn’t expecting that at all! You did a great job with this, I thought it was a student lamenting that he didn’t want to attend school, but that twist was very creative. I’m interested in knowing more about what type of a poem this was.
I always look forward to WDC birthday week! I always get more involved with what’s going on around here, I need to do that the rest of the year, too! You’ve done a great job this year, I hope to be a member here for as long as I’m alive!
This was a heart felt poem in honor of your sister. I have one older half sister and two younger sisters, so I can understand this type of love. Of my two younger sisters, this poem reminds me of how my youngest sister feels about her older sister. This also reminds me of my Aunt and her older sister.
You put a lot of heart into this, keep up the good work!
Your prose is very impressive, that’s a skill I’m lacking in my own stories. Each paragraph was like a masterpiece of grammar and vocabulary. It took me more brain power than normal to comprehend what you were writing about, because of the complexity of the vocabulary. I had to re-read certain things because of that. The surprise ending blew me away, I never expected anything like that during the first half of the story.
I’ve never read such a short poem, I didn’t realize you could write poetry with such few words. You’ve expressed the pain the young Asian girl went through when she underwent foot binding. It’s interesting that you say who she was is gone, because that is a philosophical way of expressing the changes she underwent. I think you did a great job!
This was an interesting essay. I believe in a higher power, and have faith that he leads me through life and helps me out of difficult situations. I’m 51 and have read the Bible from cover to cover, so I’m older than you.
I remember being young and having doubts about life, but if you accept God in your life, things will get easier.
I liked this short story, I’m a fan of Edgar Allan Poe, ever since learning of him in junior high school. You really captured the mood of the 19th century really well, in my opinion.
I found what I think might be a couple of errors:
You wrote: We owe Josiah to finish it.
It seems like you meant: We owe it to Josiah to finish it.”
I found another error:
Poe, Poe in the wind, nevermore, nevermore…” His salvia slobbered over his chin.
I think you have an interesting concept, but I was hoping for a more involved story dealing with the consequences of going back and re-living your life differently. I’ve had detailed day dreams about going back and making different choices in life, and I would like to read a story dealing with that. (I’m 50 years old, so just going back to age 19 could change my life significantly. I would have chosen to quit drugs and alcohol and tobacco, and gotten into bodybuilding and drawing comic books.)
My suggestion is to re-write this and show us the age of the character, and describe what went wrong in his life the first time. At that point, you could show how he made different choices when he returns to the afterlife the second time without turning it into too long of a story.
Despite being slightly let down, a I think you’re a good writer and have a lot of potential.
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