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151
151
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Just out of curiosity, what's the deal with the blues? I feel like there is a reason, but I don't know what it is. If you've already mentioned it, it might be nice to remention it every 5-6 newsletters in case you're picking up new readers. If you have't mentioned it, it would be nice to know. *Smile*

I haven't read Pride, Prejudice, and Zombies, but would like to. I'm glad to hear it's so good. I'm also glad to know that you're not so hard-core-Jane that you can't be open to movies like this. That makes you even more awesome than I thought you were! *Wink*

I respect that you'll wait to see for yourself if you think "Lady Susan" is better than "Love and Friendship." However, isn't the book ALWAYS better than the movie? *Wink* Well, come on, there's really no way to compare. How can you fit the action of 10, 20, 30, or more (depending on the book) hours of reading into just 2-3 hours on the movie screen. It just can't be done, so you have to leave out parts. Sometimes a LOT of parts. If leaving out parts would have made the story better, the author probably would have done that to begin with. Now, I'm not saying there aren't great movies made from books. There certainly are! But just that the book is always better, but that it's not really fair to compare.

That's a cool list of card games included in her books. I've heard of 3/5 of them. It might be even cooler if you included a website that had a clear set of directions on how to play. Of course, we can always Google for ourselves...but I'm MUCH more likely to click a link than to Google for myself. *Wink*

Women read a romance novel a week?!? WOW! Someone is reading 2 a week to make up for me not reading any! Hahaha!

Thanks for doing this newsletter. It's quite fun and informative! I respect and appreciate the effort you put into this!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
152
152
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Why is the Jane Austen group normally set to private? Just curious...seems like you'd want to share with everyone, but whatever. *Wink*

I love all the trivia in this edition of the newsletter! I wonder if she would have been as good a writer if she'd had a computer. Research shows you are more in tune with your emotions when you write than when you type. Apparently they use different parts of the brain. Who knew? Well, apparently the scientist who set up the research, but anyway, she might not have reached the skill level that she did if she'd strictly used a computer. Something to ponder...

You should make a suggestion to the Jane Austen Book Store about selling plates. *Smile* Fyi, you probably already know this, but that pic of her on the plate was drawn by her sister. But most of the family said it's not a very good likeness.

Did NOT know there were Pride and Prejudice coloring books. Cool!

I didn't know people weren't reading Jane Austen in school. I did. I think I was 13-14 when we read Pride and Prejudice. Honestly, I don't think I got as much out of it as I would have had I been older, but I did understand it. I think kids shouldn't read her until at least mid-teens, myself. I'm not taking into account anything they might learn about dating, though. That wasn't discussed in class. lol

My opinion on that painting of Jane is that it's not by Cassandra. Jane is only 2 years younger than her sister and that painting is not the work of someone who is young or inexperienced with painting. That's a full-grown adult with a LOT of years of painting behind them. Just my two cents. lol I'm pretty opinionated, as you see. *Wink*

What a great newsletter! Thank you for the obvious time and love that you devote to it and her. *Bigsmile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
153
153
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
First, let me say thank you for doing this newsletter! What a wonderful idea!

I'm amused that you use the word "Janeites." I'm amused because I just found out it's a real word. I had no idea. I found it while reading yesterday. How awesome would it be to have such a following of people that they are named after you?

Have you tried Cliff's Notes for analysis of her novels? I've never used them, myself, but I've had friends who swear by them. *Smile*

For #2, are you sure that's not supposed to be Chowton? *Wink* And what's the difference between the one he lived at and the Chowton House she lived at? Are they both available to see since he owned both?

Not trying to tell you how to run your newsletter, but it would be cool if for #1-7 you had a link to them online, or even better, a link to them AND a link to anything that does tours of them like they did for the European trip. *Wink*

That's so funny! Didn't know you could get Jane Austen tattoos...though I guess, why not? *Bigsmile*

I TOTALLY LOVE your list on how to get a man in Jane's day! Fantastic! To go off of that, you probably already know this, but:

1. Her sister both drew and painted.
2. Jane was very proud of her seamstress skills.
3. Jane played the fortepiano. I don't know if she sang, though.
4. She was a skilled dancer.
5. She wrote thousands of letters in her lifetime but many were purposely destroyed after her death.

Some links you might like...
"Perception" on Amazon: {link:https://www.amazon.com/Perception-Generation-Austens-Pride-Prejudice-ebook/dp/B017S205IO/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1473027837&sr=1-1&keywords=perception+jane+austen}
If you want the Kindle version, you can download Kindle to your computer for free and read it there. *Smile* No need to buy a Kindle.

For some literary depth:
{link:https://www.amazon.com/Meantime-Character-Perception-Austens-Fiction/dp/0226537633/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1473027837&sr=1-3&keywords=perception+jane+austen}

Not sure if this is what you're looking for when wanting to know more about her writing, but:
{link:https://www.amazon.com/ETHOS-BEHAVIOR-English-Novel-Austen/dp/1933146303/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1473027837&sr=1-6&keywords=perception+jane+austen}

Thanks again for writing this newsletter! I totally love the part about how to get a man! Maybe you should run this again in February...unless you don't live in the U.S., then never mind. lol

Also, a lovely addition would be to post pics if you ever go on a trip to see her home or whatever. *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
154
154
Review of Midnight Visitor  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm so glad I got to review this! Just reading the introduction I knew I was going to enjoy it! lol

"Did I mention that I hate spiders? Well I do!" I really like how you briefly pause the action here. You almost build more suspense with this because you don't take us out TOO long.

"Time was a wasting, so I chose plan B..." This is super awesome! You're cracking me up here! (Only because I'M not the one under the spider!)

That whole 3rd paragraph where you fall on the floor, then see the "You're #1" mini balloon, etc. is all GOLD! I LOVE IT!

This is a great story. I especially love that you smiled, but I think I'd like it better if you smiled last...just my opinion. I love this! Great work! Keep it up!!!
155
155
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"I came with the idea for the following story..." Usually people say they "...came up with the idea..."

"Meh, probably just spam." Hahaha...how often do we say that on a daily basis? lol

"The keys are on the flower pot, and there's food in the fridge." Those are some trusting grandparents! I'd suggest you change this part if it weren't grandparents doing it, but they are from a different generation where it's okay for folks to know where your key is...of course, that negates the point of a key, but whatever. Alternately, he could already have a spare key or already know where the spare key is hidden. *Smile*

"...he felt something on one of his shoulder." That should be "shoulders."

"First, that message, and now, this... weird feeling." There shouldn't be a space between the ellipses and "weird."

"This is just getting silly now... I need to calm down. And some water." Again, no space before "I." Also, that should be "And get some water." *Smile*

"...I should be fine in no time at all!"." You don't need that period. Also, you need a line break between the end of this sentence and the beginning of the next...or put the next sentence with this paragraph.

"A mild swear is heard in between his light laughter." That should be past tense like the rest of the story. Personally, I switch tenses all the time. REALLY bad habit. You did well. lol

Interesting premise for a story. I like that it's not your usual scary story, though I'd be totally freaked by something holding my foot and tickling me..then taking off my sock? I'd probably have a heart attack! lol Jason was much more composed about this whole situation than I would have been. lol

Anyway, nice work! Keep it up!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
156
156
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I suggest you double space between paragraphs to make it easier to read. I know when I bring my writing over from MS Word, it doesn't bring over the double spacing, so I hit the Enter key twice when typing it here so it looks extra spacey but it comes to WdC correctly. *Smile* But that's just how I do it.

"Randy jumped for the back gate, unfortunately for him, Brad caught up and grabbed his foot and pulled it. Fortunately for Randy, Brad returned his hand with only a shoe, instead of Randy." I really like the playing of "unfortunately" and "fortunately" off of each other. Nice work with that!

"Oh, come on Randy, I know you ticklish." That should be "I know you're ticklish."

"The teasing, just made it that much more hard to keep from laughing." You don't need a comma here and instead of "more hard" you should use "harder."

"He kept tickling Randy's armpits and stomach and then accidently tickled Randy's flanks..." I like the use of the word "flanks" here but because it's an unusual word, it stands out. I'd suggest you simply use "sides" in either here or later in this sentence where you use "flanks" again. I'd suggest using "flanks" only once.

I don't read a lot of fan fiction, so I'm not sure how it normally goes. lol But this is an interesting piece. Just clean it up some and add spaces and it will really be nice. Keep up the good work! *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
157
157
Review of Tickling 101  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
"In the face of a beautiful girl, with exceptional soles, there's only one thing that came to mind - tickling." This is just my suggestion, but I'd like to see instead of "...with exceptional soles..." "...with an exceptional sole..." so that people aren't immediately let on that you're talking about her feet. Plus, I would think that for someone with a foot fetish that found someone with an exceptional sole, this would be a spiritual experience. *Smile* Also, for the end part, when making a dash in a place (like WdC) where a dash isn't a separate thing, you use to hyphens. You also don't include the spaces so it should look like this "...came to mind--tickling." A single hyphen with spaces was used in several places.

"...a non-familiar weight rested upon her calves further down the bed." Okay, this is just me being picky, but if she's on her back, wouldn't the weight be on her shins, not her calves?

"...his fingers repeated their playful ministrations." Lovely phrase here! Great work!


"...to ensure that every single tool present gets a fair laugh;" Awesome! lol

This is a cute story. I like that it's sort of erotica but without being strictly sexual. Nice work! Keep it up!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
158
158
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a lovely rhyming story! Did you ever publish it? I think it is great! I hope it is now in print!

"They hide under basket, box, table and chair." I think I'd like this like a little better if they were plural. Otherwise it just sounds a tad weird to me. If you do not want to make it plural, consider changing "box" to "bowls" or some other word that is still one syllable when plural. This is just my suggestion. Do with it as you will. *Smile*

"in ponds, brooks and dells. About any old place" I like that you used the word "dell" here. Cool word that is not regularly used.

"It’s a spot tickles prize, so they squiggle around" AWESOME! I LOVE the word "squiggle!"

"to keep others away from the spot they found." I think it would sound better to say "...spot they have found." Plus, the other 4th lines in the stanzas with 6 lines seem to have twelve syllables. I did not check EVERY one, but I checked three. This line only has eleven syllables, so it would be fine (in my opinion) to add another.

"a ‘grand tickle tussle’ begins to take place." Wonderful line!

"for as more tickles loose, the tickle fights spread!" Is that supposed to be "lose"? Just checking...

"for it lets him take daily a seven hour lunch." Hahaha--love it! I also love that you're not afraid of the approximate rhyme of "much" and "lunch."

"An soon we will find, when we look around," I'm guessing that should be "and" instead of "an."

I love that you ended the way you began. Wonderful poem! I really hope it's published somewhere!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
159
159
Review of Summer Love  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Lovely story. I found very little wrong with it. Nice work!

"Chelsea found it hard to contain her emotions, being around him made excitement dance in her belly and kept a smile plastered on her face, and the more she was with him, the more she enjoyed his company." This is a run on sentence. You can put a period or a semi-colon after "emotions" and after "face." You shouldn't use 2 semi-colons, though. At least 1 should be a period.

"He walked into the water, taking his shirt off and tossed it back at her." You're mixing tenses here. *Smile* Don't worry--it's my #1 thing I do wrong in my writing. lol

Some of my favorite parts:
"She reached for his hips and pulled him under, laughing as she breached the surface." (Though pretty sure that should be "breached."

"Her right hand traced a line up his arm, toying with the hair, delighting in the feel of his warm skin." Creative that she's toying with the hair on his arm. *Smile*

This is a really sweet story and I'm glad you didn't muck it up with sex. Nice work and wonderful ending!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
160
160
Review of The WDC Trip  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
First, I have to say that your portfolio is AMAZINGLY organized! I didn't even know you could do all that with a portfolio. It's like I've been shopping it WalMart and sometimes Target, then suddenly I stumble through the doors of Bloomingdales's! WOW!

Anyway, I really enjoyed getting to read about your journey. This is a wonderful story and I'm so glad it won first place!

My favorite line is "If at the end of the day, I am able to bring a smile to anyone’s ‘face’ in this community, then my dear writers, my work is done."

Great job! Thank you for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
161
161
Review of Unused words  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was fun and I feel super smart because I'm familiar with a few of these words, though admittedly, I can't remember the definition of but one or two, but STILL, I've HEARD of several and I think given the obscurity of your list, that's still quite a feat. Thanks for doing this word search. I enjoyed it!
162
162
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"...is inconsistent with protecting rights to the person and property." Perhaps it's just a cultural thing, but I'd say "protecting the rights OF the person."

"If a restaurant sold spoiled food, then it may lose business." I love how you say "MAY lose business." You're very hopefully as I'd say it WILL. lol

Very interesting information about Islamic Bank of Great Britain!

I found this whole piece enlightening and interesting! Thanks for sharing it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
163
163
Review of Numb  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You have such a beautiful way with words. I'm moved by this poem and the heart you've clearly put into it and the events that inspired it.

A couple of my favorite lines are the first two...
Numb, a feeling
Without feeling,
Those lines showed me I was in for a real talent treat.

Thank you for sharing this poem and your emotions along with it!
164
164
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
What an awesome piece! I feel like I'm going to be pondering this for quite some time. It's really sticking with me and I like it! Great work! That last line, "Nothing in all my life
has bothered me more. Why did the snake have a British accent?" is just AWESOME!
165
165
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
"“How can this be so?” I asked myself over and again. My conclusion? Ingrates." I find your conclusion both interesting and amusing.

"...eat dinner discussing horticulture or arborculture, a glass of brandy, a book, a pipe and bed. No more than 20 words said all day." To me it doesn't follow that they discuss things over dinner, then only speak 20 words all day.

"The English taught the barbarian hordes to take metal, sharpen the edges and rip their scraggly beards clean from their faces." This is just one of your many awesome sentences in this piece! I love it!

"...which is retrospect proves sad that they were not enlightened..." I believe that should be "...in retrospect..."

This is a delightful piece! I'm so happy I ran into it. I love a lot of your descriptions and attitude. Wonderful job!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
166
166
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting and disturbing quiz here. lol Mostly, I'm disturbed that I did so poorly. *Pthb* I also thought that since it said there were 50 questions, I'd get quizzed on all 50, but I guess it rotates so you don't get bored doing 50...not a bad idea, though I sort of wanted to do all 50. lol
167
167
Review of The Exodus  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a really creative thing you came up with here--I really like it! Actually, I like it so much, I wish there was more. I realize you can only do so much with what is recorded in the Bible, but still. Does the Torah list more? I don't suppose you are interested in doing additional research. lol What about just writing from the point of view of one Egyptian? That would be interesting and would lengthen it. Anyway, this is a really creative piece!

"Take our herd, take your flock..." I just wanted to be sure you meant to say "your" flock here.

I like the symmetry between "LET'S GO! LET'S GO!" and "THEY'RE GONE! THEY'RE GONE!" I also like the lines "Where are your valuables? Here take mine." A well done piece!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
168
168
Review of Doggie Time  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps! *Smile*

Overall Impression:
What a great piece and I see you got quite a bit of recognition for it! NICE WORK!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...eleven year old medium sized terrier..." That should be "medium-sized" (with a hyphen). "They brought the dog over, I had one walk..." That should be a semi-colon, not a comma, because those are to complete sentences. "...in a doggies life but sleeping, walking, peeing and pooping." That should be "doggie's life" and you forgot "eating." Hahaha

Suggestions:
"...is protective to his owner." Typically dogs are "protective of" things, not "to"...at least in America.

Favorite Part:
"...pet him on the head while making the usual 'there now' sounds." "There now" sounds is a great way to describe them. I wouldn't have known how, but you certainly do! "...he sleeps, he rests and he sleeps once more." I love how you describe that--awesome! lol

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*


*Snow1* *Snow2* WHITE WALKERS WIN *Snow3* *Snow4*

FORUM
Game of Thrones  (13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Image for GoT


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
169
169
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful. *Smile*

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
Keeping in mind that I am NOT a poet...I do not get this poem at ALL. Is it a famous guy talking about his life? Or a guy who is some schmo talking about famous people? I'm not really sure what this is. Sorry. Btw, happy birthday! And my birthday gift to you is to only do two reviews and then stop harassing your portfolio because clearly I have NO idea what I'm doing. lol Sorry...I normally avoid reviewing poetry like the plague, but SOME PEOPLE don't give me a choice... *Wink*

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
There's some rhyming going on, but it's not in any specific pattern I can fully figure out. It will seem to have a pattern, then it will change, so I'm not really sure.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
I'm not really sure what to say here, either. Sorry. I get there is talk about the food like caviar and Wheat Thins, though I wasn't sure if the Wheat Thins was officially the crackers or if you were referring to super skinny women. I don't know.

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
I didn't notice any grammatical, spelling, or mechanical mistakes. Good work!

Suggestions:
I'm assuming you picked that format for a reason, but I don't know what it is. I just know I found it weird and sort of hard to read. But maybe if I understood poetry better...

My Favorite Part:
wherever I go
award tours
prizes
wherever I go
I liked this part the best. *Smile*

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*


*Snow1* *Snow2* WHITE WALKERS WIN *Snow3* *Snow4*

FORUM
Game of Thrones  (13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Image for GoT


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
170
170
Review of Cut Your Teeth  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful. *Smile*

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
Well, I have no idea what tune YOU had in mind, but I heard a tune when I read through these lyrics and since I don't normally even listen to music, I'd guess that means this was good. *Smile* But I'm not a song writer or a poet, so take my words that follow with a shaker of salt...well, at least any bad ones. lol Keep the good ones close to your heart. *Smile*

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
These were lyrics with a refrain and, I think, a bridge, and something else that I'm not sure what it was in the end. There's a rhyming scheme, but it's not 100% consistent between the stanzas. There's also nice use of approximate rhyme. I like that.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
The song talks about how the devil got his start. There's also other references such as talking about idle hands.

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
I didn't notice any grammar, spelling, or mechanical mistakes.

Suggestions:
If you have an idea for a tune for this, it would be cool if you played it (or had a friend play it) and you included the recording with this. *Smile* There were several times I thought the flow was nice and it sounded good, but I didn't get what the lyrics meant. For example: "I've got a pen and I've got a thumb" I don't get what the thumb has to do with anything...except to hold the pen with maybe. But the lines before don't pair an object with something needed to hold or even work it. It sounds good, but it doesn't make a lot of sense to me in a number of places. But again, I'm not a poet...

My Favorite Part:
Bring on the militia!
Call the National Guard!
Gather 'round your drinkin' buddies
and call to arms!
Call to arms.
Call to arms.
As a Soldier (active duty, not National Guard, though), this was my favorite part. Lol

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*


*Snow1* *Snow2* WHITE WALKERS WIN *Snow3* *Snow4*

FORUM
Game of Thrones  (13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Image for GoT


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
171
171
Review of Would-be Heros  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful. *Smile*

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This was a wonderful poem with some really impressive images! Well done!

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
I think this is a free form poem. But I'm not really a poet, so I'm not sure. lol

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
You had so many powerful images here, I was just in awe of your talent. I'm super jealous right now, but am glad my leader in Game of Thrones make me review you. Normally I hate reviewing poetry because I find it dumb and boring...and I can't understand it. But this is powerful and clear and interesting. VERY well done! Making me like your poem is quite a feat! lol

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
None noticed

Suggestions:
"does not see that his lack of
serious composure
will guarantee historical anonymity and"
I'm not sure if it's what you meant, but to me it sounds like you're saying that he won't be famous if he keeps telling funny things. I assume you mean that he needs to get serious about writing them down? Because comedians can be remembered, but those with any lack of physical proof of their skills will be forgotten in a generation, no matter how talented they are.

My Favorite Part:
Doubt dragons threaten to breathe
sulphuric failure and singe
the golden locks and flawless skin
of Lady Reputation.
Thus, the knight avoids opportunity
and leads his stagnant steed
away from the tower of potential.
WOW! That's some really amazing imagery there! I'm SO SUPER IMPRESSED! What an amazing piece this is; it was hard to pick out a favorite part, but this is definitely ONE of my favorite parts! *Smile*

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*


*Snow1* *Snow2* WHITE WALKERS WIN *Snow3* *Snow4*

FORUM
Game of Thrones  (13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Image for GoT


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
172
172
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps! *Smile*

Overall Impression:
I was drawn to this piece by your title. This title really strikes a chord with readers since zombies are so prevalent in the media these days between movies, TV shows, comics, etc. Plus, I'm reviewing for Game of Thrones and our team is the White Walkers and we say we are undead. Perhaps we will be more than we realize one of these days, but for now it's just a silly description for a game we play, unaware of how that term has touched others.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"One man had ALS- Lou Gehrig's disease..." When using a dash in a place that doesn't automatically make a dash, like on WdC, use two hyphens. Also, there shouldn't be a space before or after (or between) the dashes. It should look like this: "...had ALS--Lou Gehrig's..." "...a young man in his early 20's - a year or so older than I was- He had been shot..." Again, two hyphens to make a dash and no space before or after the hyphens. Also don't capitalize the word after the "dash." "...repacked...He was alert and ANGRY....he was able..." Don't capitalize the word after the ellipses, though in this case, I think you'd do better with a period after "repacked," but that's just an opinion. *Smile* "... most of the time i cared for him..." Don't forget to capitalize your "I." "then had a stroke... he lived several years in a deep coma.... his wife would bring their young sons to visit occassionally on Sunday... he did not respond and eventually died." Ellipses should only have three periods. Also, there shouldn't be a space after the ellipses. Just another opinion, I think you'd do better with a period after "coma." But it's up to you. "...smooth black skin a healthy well proportioned body..." There should be a comma after "skin." "...then a heart attack.... her teenaged daughter..." Again, only 3 periods and no space after them. And that should just be "teenage." "urinary drainage... there was a time period when her body kept expelling the foley catheter from her urethra with the 30ccs balloon intact.... painful..." Three periods and no space. *Smile* "...from behind her... it actually worked well..." I'll just say you should check the rest of the piece for this problem. *Wink* "we had to do bedside glucose monitoring..." Capitalize "we." "like human road kill. purposeless. am I mistaken?" Capitalize your beginnings of sentences. *Smile*

Suggestions:
"When life gets stressful, really stressful, I dream I am working in that hospital again... it is most unpleasant." I don't care for this ending, personally. You give such powerful visuals throughout the story, then end with it being "most unpleasant." We get that the dreams would be bad because you are having them when stressed, so I think you should refer back to your title and revise those images with something like "...I dream I am again walking (or working) among the undead." Just my opinion.

Favorite Part:
"...during the 3 years I cared for him, though his mind was clear, he became physically weaker and weaker until he could only move his eyebrows to indicate yes or no before he died." What a horrific way to die. Thank you for enlightening us on even the tiniest amount of the pain they must go through. "She is one of the patients that I think about when I think about overdosing..." That's one of your most powerful statements in this piece! " Then we removed all the tubes, cleaned the body and tied the limbs with gauze, and wrapped their jaw in gauze, placed a toe tag on the big toe, wrapped the naked cold stiff body in a plastic sheet transferred it to a stretcher and two of us took it to the morgue at the hospital. At the morgue we placed it in the cold room with any others that had died recently and returned to care for the living... somewhat living." Thanks for that description! Very well done!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*


*Snow1* *Snow2* WHITE WALKERS WIN *Snow3* *Snow4*

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Game of Thrones  (13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
173
173
Review of Forever Change  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps! *Smile*

Overall Impression:
This is a lovely story about a beautiful life-changing experience! How awesome for you! Thank you for sharing it! *Smile*

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...any experience can impact or devastate your life." You need a comma after "experience." "On July 21st, 2002 my life changed forever." You need a comma after "2002." "...as I stepped out of my mother’s magenta Ford Taurus I had no clue..." You need a comma after "Taurus." "...filled with moisture as I walked up the steps..." You need a comma after "moisture." "...we went camping on the apostle islands..." I assume "Apostle Islands" is the name of them, so that should be capitalized. "...we would be canoeing out to, voyageur-style and the section..." You need a comma after "voyageur." "...to stay there forever, cause I truly now knew that life..." That should be "because" instead of "cause." "Leaving the apostles islands was hard..." Again, I'm pretty sure you need to capitalize "Apostles Islands." "...and when got back we all felt we had left..." I assume that should be "...when we got back..." "Still we had a blast..." You need a comma after "still." "Also because of this experience..." You need a comma after "also." "...make good choices for my self, do things..." That should be "myself."

Suggestions:
You have giant space at the end of your story that could be erased. *Smile*

Favorite Part:
"He talked about how we each should create a list in our head of goals that we want to accomplish and if there is something on that list that is not getting done, then it’s time to rethink our strategy. It was at this point that I realized what an amazing week it was going to be." That's really awesome--especially to have impressed upon you at that age rather than when you're like 50. lol "Sitting in that circle and looking around at their faces in the firelight, made me want that moment to go on forever, to stay there forever, cause I truly now knew that life would never be the same." That's really powerful that you felt like that. How awesome for you! "That’s what the change in my life has taught me: to make the right decisions for me." That's a REALLY important thing to learn just before going to college! GOOD FOR YOU!!!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*


*Snow1* *Snow2* WHITE WALKERS WIN *Snow3* *Snow4*

FORUM
Game of Thrones  (13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Image for GoT


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
174
174
Review of Already His  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps! *Smile*

Overall Impression:
This is a great story. I like how you describe some of the things here. You have some great talent! *Smile*

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...a menancing sound , causing her to jump and back away." That comma should be with "sound." Also, "menacing" doesn't have that extra "n" between the "a" and the "c." *Smile* "Without realizing she turned and saw the door." You need a comma after "realizing." "...he sat back on his heels thinking." You need a comma after "heels." "...as good if she’’s as upset as this..." Change those to just one apostrophe. "Giving into despair , she closed her eyes..." There should be no space after "despair." "...up to the door handle know that she was much too weak..." I'm guessing that should be "knowing." "...lifeless body in a crumbled head on the floor." I'm assuming that should be "heap."

Suggestions:
"A wolf hound, she thought..." It's probably just me, but I'm left wondering if she means like the breed (that I know as Russian wolf hound) or if she means some sort of paranormal creature I'm not exactly familiar with. Not that it really matters. If it is just a Russian Wolf Hound, I wonder why that breed makes her more scared. As far as I know, they're not particularly aggressive. "Closing his eye, he reached out to her..." Do you mean "eyes"?

Favorite Part:
"Consciousness returned in slow waves. A hard dirt floor, uneven with dips and hills, chafed her legs and ground into her skin, decorating her with splotches and spots. Cold metallic chains, clamped tight around her wrists and ankles, held her steadfast in a sitting position." This is awesome! What an introduction! Great work here! I'm totally digging the descriptiveness of it all! "The flash and glare caused her to snap her eyes shut again, bright hot pain searing through her senses." I like that she "snapped" her eyes shut. Very descriptive and not a normal way of saying how she shut them. "His voice reminded her of death." WOW! I LOVE THAT! Can you elaborate on why it does? "...she closed her eyes as lightheaded news took over." I like how you said that. *Smile*

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*


*Snow1* *Snow2* WHITE WALKERS WIN *Snow3* *Snow4*

FORUM
Game of Thrones  (13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Image for GoT


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
175
175
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful. *Smile*

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This poem makes me really admire the speaker for her strength in not being sorry for the loss of her lover. I surely would be!

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
I'm not good with forms and such, but I'd call this a free form poem, myself.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
The imagery with the birds is a nice touch and reminds me of lovebirds. *Smile*

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
None noticed. Great job!

Suggestions:
This is just a thought, but it might be interesting, even if it isn't true, if the boy bird ended up flying "up to Heaven" after the dance...just a suggestion.

My Favorite Part:
Where are you darling?
This is a good opening line that immediately brings about an awareness of longing on the part of the speaker.
This has not caused me sorrow.
You have shown me real love
Passion and compassion.
Our love will never die,
It will go on you'll see.
Those are some super sweet and incredibly romantic words there! I'm very impressed! I'm not able to write poetry like that at all! Great work here! This is a wonderful tribute to your husband, for sure! I'm sure he knew how much you loved him! I only hope he knew what a talented poet you are. If he didn't when he was alive, I'm sure he's looking down with love and admiration each time you put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, as the case may be lol).

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. Keep writing! *Notepad* *Pen*


*Snow1* *Snow2* WHITE WALKERS WIN *Snow3* *Snow4*

FORUM
Game of Thrones  (13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Image for GoT


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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