spidey's (spidergirl) Reviews

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

[13+]

177

#2718885

Review of Chick Flick Quiz

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi and thanks for entering my contest, "Invalid Item"

I truly enjoyed your quiz, though I must admit that I've only seen a handful of the films in the quiz. Even though I hadn't seen many of them, the quiz was still fun and I enjoyed guessing.

I do want to say that some of your questions involve mentions of sex, which calls for a higher rating of your quiz. A 13+ rating would be appropriate here.

Thanks for entering! Keep an eye on the next Contests & Activities Newsletter to see if you've won!

~ spidey

178

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#2688560

Review of Religion now vs. Where you are born

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi ~~Mc Young~~

!

This is my review for " Religion now vs. Where you are born"

[E].

General Thoughts:

Hiya

I just had to comment on this poll, because I think it's a really good question that will have people thinking (or they should be thinking about it, anyway).

Strengths

I like that you explain your reason for asking the question, and that this is more than a "yes/no" type of question.

Good choices in this poll! I think you've covered the majority of answers you'd get from a question like this. I like that the tone of the poll is very friendly and unbiased. I think that helps to get honest feedback from a poll based on religion.

Grammar/Spelling
(These are suggestions with regard to my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

and the religion teachings that they taught you at that young age,
I believe "religion" should be

religious

would their be a greater chance that you would believe in that religion today,
their

there

Title/Rating/Genres:

The title made me want to click on the poll to see what this was about. I think it's a good attention-grabber.

Your ratings are appropriate.

If you wished, you could also use a few more genres (that way the poll will show up when users are browsing genres), like "Cultural," "Personal," and/or "Spiritual." It's up to you of course.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

My only other suggestion would be to perhaps find a way to simplify your main question. It's a little long which might make it harder to understand what it is you're asking. Perhaps if you worded it more like a hypothetical situation, like:

Let's say you were born in another country, and were raised to believe in that culture, the people and the religious teachings that they taught you at that young age. Would there be a greater chance that you would believe in that religion today, or would you still believe in the one you believe in now?

Just my thoughts. Ultimately, it's up to you.

My Rating

4.0 - I really enjoyed this poll! It's a thought-provoking question, and you've presented it well with a great variety of choices. Good work!

Keep it up!

Sincerely,
spidey

** Image ID #1284499 Unavailable **

179

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#2685653

Review of House

Review by spidey

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

Hi there AEMoseley

Welcome to Writing.Com! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

This is my review for "House"

Overall Thoughts:

A creepy poem! I liked how you contrast normal images (the Mother and Father, for instance) with eerie ones, like ghosts and rats. I also enjoyed the poem's form, four line unrhyming stanzas. For me, it added a feel of structure and movement in the poem. I also liked how the end of the poem tied in with the beginning.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.
(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

The poem's rating should be raised. The line: And where screams have been killed requires an ASR rating due to the word "killed."

The poem feels a bit short to me. Perhaps you're planning on adding a bit more, another stanza or two? It felt unfinished, I think. I love what you have here so far, and I'd love to see more!

Also, you may want to experiment with punctuation. For me, punctuation highly enhances a poem's flow and rhythm. It lets the reader know where you intend pauses or breaks. You might want to consider using punctuation in this poem. Just my thoughts.

My Rating

3.5 - I think you've got a great start here! You've got some great imagery, and I love the form! For me, the poem could use a little more development. I did enjoy reading it very much. Thank you for sharing your work!

Keep on writing!

Sincerely,
spidey
** Image ID #1284499 Unavailable **

"Noticing Newbies"

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

[13+]

180

#2684747

Review of Hook

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi there comehere

Welcome to Writing.Com! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

This is my review for "Hook"

[E]

Overall Thoughts:

I love the rhythm of this poem! It really makes it enjoyable to read. I like the internal rhyme of the first two lines. I also liked that the rhyme scheme shifts. For me, that moved the poem forward and also made it enjoyable to read.

Good use of punctuation, too! For me, punctuation is really important in setting the rhythm and the flow of a poem, and I think you've done well here.

I think a lot of writers can identify with this poem and its subject matter.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.
(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

I don't think you need the word "lame" in the intro.

I like your writing in this poem. I think the rhyme scheme is rather unique, and I enjoyed reading it. To me, this poem isn't lame, so I don't think you should be telling your readers that it is. Just my thoughts.

You have this listed as "Other" for the item type, when I think "Poetry" would work better. Also, feel free to use a few genres, perhaps Writing or Experience. That way people will find your work while browsing genres on the site.

I think the poem could also be longer. Perhaps this is just the first stanza of a larger work? I think you've got a great start here, but I'd love to see more!

My Rating

3.5 - A great start! I love the mechanics and form of this poem. For me, it could be a bit longer to be a truly successful poem, though I did very much enjoy reading it. Thank you for sharing your work!

Keep on writing!

Sincerely,
spidey

"Noticing Newbies"

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

[13+]
** Image ID #1284498 Unavailable **

181

#2668160

Review of The Nightmare Before Christmas Crossword

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi ~MorningStorm~

!

This is my review for "The Nightmare Before Christmas Crossword"

[E]. I was browsing Crossword Puzzles this morning and I was glad to see this one.

Overall Thoughts:

I'm a big fan of The Nightmare Before Christmas, so I was excited to try this one out. I think you've asked a good variety of questions. I would think that most people who've seen the movie and know a little about it would be able to complete this quiz without a problem.

I like that you have a lot of questions here, and the answers vary in length. It made the puzzle fun to complete.

I also like that you included your reason behind creating this puzzle in the intro.

Title/Rating/Genres:

Straightforward title and intro. It tells the reader exactly what to expect.

Good choices for ratings and genres. They're well-chosen for the item. If you wished, you could also use "Holiday" as a genre.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

I can't think of a single suggestion! This crossword is perfect as it is!

My Rating

5.0 - An excellent crossword puzzle. Thanks for the fun!

Sincerely,

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182

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#2664985

Review of If An Alien Spacecraft Landed

Review by spidey

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi Prosperous Snow celebrating

!

This is my review for "If An Alien Spacecraft Landed"

[ASR]
Thanks for your entry in

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

This item number is not valid.
#1324566 by Not Available.

Overall Thoughts:

Great question! I find aliens/UFOs quite interesting, so I was excited to see the topic of this one!

You have great voting choices, but I think you missed one - "Run away screaming!"

Just kidding! (I took a class on UFOs in college, the only one like it in the country I'm told, and it was really sort of frightening!) Anyway, I like your choices here! I like that this has a comical feel to it, and it forced me to think about what I would do if I couldn't run away screaming. Good job!

Title/Rating/Genres:

Great title and intro! It definitely pulled me in, made me want to read and vote in your poll.

Good choice for ratings. They're appropriate for the item.

I'm not sure the genre "Contest" fits here, as that's usually reserved for contests themselves. I think you could also use "Comedy" or even "Sci-Fi" if you wished for genres.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

My only suggestion would be to perhaps make the intro a little longer, perhaps more detail to the question or even an image or some WritingML to spice it up a bit. Just a thought.

My Rating

4.5 - A great and entertaining poll! Thanks for the fun!

Sincerely,

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183

#2664929

Review of How Many Licks?

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Contorted Cookie

!

This is my review for "How Many Licks?"

[E]
Thanks for your entry in

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

This item number is not valid.
#1324566 by Not Available.

Overall Thoughts:

Great question and topic! A classic question! My husband, sister and I once sat down and performed this experiment. I voted for the "Approximately 364" choice because I think that's around the number we decided upon.

Great variety of choices! It looks like your viewers think so, too, as each choice seems to have gotten a few votes. I think that shows that you have a good variety here of the choices most would consider.

Title/Rating/Genres:

Good title and intro! I would think that most people would know exactly what to expect inside this poll. Great job!

Good choice of ratings and genres. Very appropriate. I think you could also use "Food/Cooking" as a genre if you wished.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

My only suggestion would be to add some WritingML or perhaps an image to go along with this poll.

My Rating

4.0 - Great poll! A classic question with great choices!

Keep up the awesome work!

Sincerely,

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184

#2664925

Review of Dream Assignment

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi TariElanesse

!

This is my review for "Dream Assignment"

[E]
Thanks for your entry in

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

This item number is not valid.
#1324566 by Not Available.

Overall Thoughts:

Great intro! I love that you explain the purpose behind this, where you got the idea, etc. I think it makes the viewers more interested in the poll and its results, and it will help increase votes. Great job!

Very interesting dreams! I voted that the second one is the real dream. I'm very curious to know if I'm right.

Great choices for the viewers! I'm very surprised at the results!

Title/Rating/Genres:

Good title and intro. I think they do well to capture the interest of viewers.

Your ratings and genres seem appropriate and well-chosen.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

My only suggestion would be to have a way of letting viewers know which is the real dream and which is fiction. Perhaps you could have the results in another static item and link to it. I suppose you could just reply to any who send a review/comment. That could help get more ratings & reviews, but you could also mention that to viewers. Something like, "If you send a review, I'll let you know the correct answer." Just a thought.

My Rating

4.5 - Very creative and interesting poll! I had fun viewing and voting in it!

Keep up the great work!

Sincerely,

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185

#2657287

Review of Insomnia

Review by spidey

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi Elliott Klaassen

!

Thanks for stopping by "Invalid Item"

and helping me reach my goal.

This is my review for "Insomnia"

[18+].

Overall Thoughts:

I like that the first few lines set up a sense of Nature. For me, the mention of rain and the deer-skin parka created an interesting tone, of the character being at one with nature. That made me sympathize and identify with the character immediately. I think that works really well particularly because of what is revealed next, that the character has committed murder.

Even before I read the last line (mentioning a mythology series), I had a good sense of "mythology" or even "fantasy" to this piece. It's a subtle feel, which I think works really well. I like that this feels other-wordly yet very realistic at the same time. I think that is due in part to the first person point-of-view. I felt very connected to this piece because I was seeing it through the main character's eyes. Good job!

I also enjoyed the use of italics for thoughts. It was a good way to reveal the character's name, and it helped show the conflict within the character. You do very well at subtly revealing information to the reader. Well done!

Title/Rating/Genres:

I didn't quite see how the title related to the piece. Perhaps I just missed something?

I'm not sure you should use the word "emo" in your intro. Perhaps it's just my own qualms with the word, but I think it could also keep some people from reading this. I didn't find it particularly "emo-ish" as you say it is. It's up to you, of course!

Your ratings and genres fit very well. If you wanted, I think you could also use "Mythology" and/or "Fantasy" as a genre.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

that I had a duel personality,
I think "duel" should be

dual
(duel is a combat between two persons; dual means double)

A sudden burst of hysteric laughter burst from my chest.
Using the same word in close proximity ("burst") isn't necessarily wrong, but it can be jarring to the reader. You may want to change one of them to another word. Perhaps something like: A sudden burst of hysteric laughter erupted from my chest.

The tense in this piece of fiction switches several times. It starts in present tense (Rain pours), but often switches to past tense. For instance:

But I don't feel bad for them, no squeamish feeling came to my stomach as I looked at the thirty-six dead, mutilated bodies in front of me.

"don't" is present tense, while "came" and "looked" are past tense.

You may want to take a look through this again and edit to keep the tense consistent. I do think this piece works well in the present tense, but that choice is up to you.

My other suggestion would be to continue writing this! It definitely feels like an incredibly powerful scene in a much larger work. I'd love to see the rest of the story!

My Rating

4.0 - I enjoyed this piece of writing. The shifts in tense jarred me a little, but othern than that your writing is excellent! I hope you'll continue this!

Sincerely,

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186

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#2639700

Review of Sherri Gibson an Angel Among Us

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi !

This is my review for "Sherri Gibson an Angel Among Us"

[E].
Thanks for your entry in

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

This item number is not valid.
#1324566 by Not Available.

Overall Thoughts:

You entered two word searches. The rules state, however, that only one entry will be accepted, so I'm only counting the first one.

What a thoughtful way to show appreciation for another member! I loved the idea of this word search! I'm glad you explained your reason for choosing it in your intro!

Good selection of words! I like that you have longer and shorter words/phrases mixed together. It makes a good variety for viewers to find. Good job!

Title/Rating/Genres:

Good title and intro! Descriptive and I'm sure anyone who knows Sherri (which is pretty much everyone) will click on and enjoy this word search!

Your ratings and genres are well-chosen and appropriate.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

Just one thing - One of your phrases is "3 of Hearts." Numbers don't show up in word searches, so the phrase I found was "of hearts." I still found it, but I thought I'd point that out, anyway.

My Rating

4.5 - A great word search! Thanks for your entry! Winners will be posted in my next newsletter, which will be out in a few days!

Thanks!

Sincerely,

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187

#2636713

Review of The Verdict

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi ahmmburr

!

Thanks for stopping by "Invalid Item"

and helping me reach my goal.

This is my review for "The Verdict"

[13+].

Overall Thoughts:

This has a very interesting structure to it. Particularly at the start of the poem, your lines are very long. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I couldn't tell where some of the lines were intended to finish. At the start, it read more like a short story or monologue.

I like that this is very straightforward, with the speaker of the poem talking to the object of the poem. It's like a private conversation that is overheard.

I loved this line:
Where the color red doesn’t make you flinch,
For me, that was the turning point in the poem. After that point, the poem felt like a true poem. Before that, it felt more like a monologue or one-sided conversation.

Title/Rating/Genres:

I like the title very much. It captured my interest.

Your ratings and are well-chosen.

I think you could use another genre in place of "Contest" for this. I believe the Contest genre is generally used for contests themselves, rather than contest entries. Upon reading the title, I immediately thought of the Crime genre, and I think that one might fit here. Also, Death or Tragedy could work, too. It's up to you in the end, of course.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

My only suggestion would be to take another look at your form. Perhaps you are unaware of the line lengths at the start of the poem? I think the structure could confuse some readers at first.

My Rating

4.0 - A good poem! I enjoyed reading this! For me, the structure cold be a little stronger, but overall I really liked this poem. Thank you for sharing it!

Keep on writing!

Sincerely,

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188

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14 days may be credited.

#2636048

Review of Shopping Spree!

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Elisa the Bunny Stik

!

Thanks for your entry in "Invalid Item"

This is my review for "Shopping Spree!"

[E].

Overall Thoughts:

What a cool idea for a word search! I really liked the variety of words you used here. For some reason, "Jersey" was the hardest for me to find.

I like your intro, how you explain the idea behind the word search. I particularly liked, "You are free to browse my shops if some of the words baffle you or pique your interests." Some of the words definitely piqued my interest, like "mayaca" and "comma splices."

Title/Rating/Genres:

Great title and intro! I think many people will click on your word search due to the attention-grabbing title and intro.

Your ratings and genres are very well chosen.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

I honestly can't think of any suggestions for this. It's a perfect word search! I did have a problem, but I don't think it was your fault, perhaps something strange with the system. One word (Calendars) showed twice in the list, and to find the second, I had to highlight the one I already found. It also didn't get crossed off the search list, though the puzzle timer stopped and it said I was finished. Strange, but I don't think that was your fault.

My Rating

5.0 - An excellent word search! Thanks for the fun!

Sincerely,

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189

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#2635696

Review of Subtextual Lexical X Box

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi the last cicada

!

Thanks for your entry in

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

This item number is not valid.
#1324566 by Not Available.

This is my review for "Subtextual Lexical X Box"

[E].

Overall Thoughts:

This one was tough!

It took me over 5 minutes to find all the words. Good job! I love your word choices. Using words with a similar letter makes the search tougher, and I liked that you chose an uncommon letter.

The intro to the puzzle is intriguing and very colorful. It drew me in and made me wonder what this one was all about. Great job capturing my interest!

I liked that you used smaller words as well as larger one. In my game, a few words showed up twice in the puzzle!

Title/Rating/Genres:

Cool title and intro! I liked them. They're intersting and fit the puzzle well.

I didn't see anything in the puzzle that would require an ASR rating. I think E would be fine if you wanted to use it.

Your genres are very well-chosen.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

My only suggestion would be to perhaps add more words. It's fine the way it is, but word searches can fit more than 16 words, so you could add more if you wished.

My Rating

4.5 - An excellent word search! I truly enjoyed this one!

Keep it up!

Sincerely,

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190

#2622605

Review of Chocolate

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi there

I've never had so much fun searching for chocolate!

I think I drooled on my keyboard a little...

You have a great selection of words here. I particularly liked searching for the smaller ones, as they're a little more difficult.

I love the brown chocolate-y font, and the "Emotional" genre.

Normally I'm a little cranky when searching for chocolate, but this was fun! Thanks!

I'll be featuring this as one of my picks in next week's Contests & Activities Newsletter.

~ spidey

191

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#2622556

Review of Holiday Search!

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi there

This is truly a great word search! You've included a great mix of words! I'm glad you included the reason you decided to create this word search! It gives the puzzle a personal touch!

My only suggestion would be to choose a few more genres for this item. That way, when members are browsing genres, they'll come across this fun activity! I'd suggest Friendship, Family, Activity, Community, and there are probably a few more that could apply, too.

I'll be featuring this as one of my picks in next week's Contests & Activities Newsletter.

Thanks for the fun!

~ spidey

192

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#2622536

Review of Absolute Horror Breaktime Fun for Oct-10

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi

This looks to be a fun Word Search, and I'm a fan of Dean Koontz novels, so I thought I'd check it out!

You seem to have a typo in your description:

how long will it atke you to solve the puzzle?

atke

take

Also, many of the titles show up twice in my word search list. My guess is that you wanted to fill up all the word blanks, and it does make it a little harder, I suppose, to find titles more than once.

It seemed a little strange seeing so many titles twice, though. I just wanted to let you know about that in case you weren't aware.

Also, I'm pretty sure "Hideaway" is the correct title, one word instead of "Hide Away" as listed in the word list.

Thanks for the fun!

~ spidey

193

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#2622432

Review of Chapter Two

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hi Mandi

!

Thanks for stopping by "Invalid Item"

and helping me reach my goal.

This is my review for "Chapter Two"

[13+].

Overall Thoughts:

A straightforward easy read. I enjoyed reading through this Chapter 2, and I'm definitely interested in reading the rest of the novel!

This made me hungry for pancakes!

Seriously, I think you described the meal very well, and I liked that you had the family talking while eating breakfast. It does well to set the scene and the connection between a mother and daughter.

Title/Rating/Genres:

I like the chapter title, and the intro lets the reader know this is a WIP.

You could use a rating of ASR if you wished to do so.

Your genres are well-chosen.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

This chapter does a lot of telling instead of showing. The opening two paragraphs, for instance, present a step by step report, telling how Brianna comes downstairs and gets her breakfast. One way to show more could be to think about the senses. What does the room smell like? What do the pancakes and milk taste like to Brianna?

Using "Mrs. Ewers" confused me at first. I thought there were three people in the scene at first. Since this is told from Brianna's perspective, it felt jarring to hear "Mrs. Ewers." Maybe it was just my own confusion (especially since I haven't read the first chapter yet), but I felt a different way of referring to the character could be used. It's very rare that I see any character referred to this way in a novel. Usually a character's first name is used, I think.

In general, I feel this chapter could use more atmosphere, more description. It feels almost like an outline for a chapter, with just the important plot points and actions given to the reader. I found myself wondering what the surroundings looked like, and how the characters really felt.

My Rating

3.0 - A good chapter. I think this could use a bit more detail and description, but overall it does well in presenting its story to the reader. Thanks for sharing your work!

Keep on writing!

Sincerely,

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194

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#2619465

Review of Love is a funny word.

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Emily-S

!

Thanks for stopping by "Invalid Item"

This is my review for "Love is a funny word."

[13+].

This item's rating must be changed to 13+ due to the word "kill" being used in reference to violence, as well as the reference to alcohol.

Overall Thoughts:

What a wonderful tale! This felt like Cinderella! I enjoyed reading this very much! I love the amount of description in the story. It was easy to visualize everything happening, from the characters to the setting. Well done!

You set up a main conflict very well - Abigail and her brother vs. their stepmother, Mrs. Reed. You portray the conflict and the clashing personalities very well, and I particularly liked the scene with Abigail and Archimedes talking to one another. I think it shows their relationship very well. Good job!

Title/Rating/Genres:

Good title and intro! Caught my interest and made me want to know what this was about.

Your rating must be upped to 13+ due to the violence and reference to alcohol.

Your genres are well-chosen.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

“I will not!” Shouted Abigail hotly
"Shouted" does not need to be capitalized

"I will not!" shouted Abigail hotly

It has always been about what you and what you want since Father died.
This sentence feels awkward to me. Perhaps you can take another look at it and revise? Something like, It has always been about you and what you want

She thought digging her nails into the palm of her hand and focusing on that instead of her misery.
This felt like an incomplete sentence to me. Perhaps, She thought, diggin her nails into the palm of her hand, and focused on that instead of her misery.

You see you can not eat in a gloomy room.
"can not" should be

cannot

“And you won’t loose me.
loose

lose

I must suggest that you add spaces between your paragraphs. It makes it easier on your readers' eyes to follow along with your story.

I had trouble guessing how old Abigail and her brother are. Perhaps I missed that somewhere.

I was curious, though, as to their ages. It helps me visualize characters to know about how old they are.

My Rating

4.0 - A great start! I can't wait to find out what happens next! There were a few grammatical errors (particularly with dialogue), but overall, this was a very enjoyable read! Thanks for sharing!

Keep on writing!

Sincerely,

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195

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14 days may be credited.

#2619401

Review of Last ride

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Alexander

!

Thanks for stopping by "Invalid Item"

This is my review for "Last ride"

[13+].

Overall Thoughts:

Great start! You've done extremely well in grabbing my attention immediately! I love how simple the language is in the first few paragraphs. It helps pull me in right away, and sets a great tone for the rest of the piece. The feel I get from your writing is succint. You write what you want to convey in simple yet descriptive terms. For instance:

The bus was silent, as good a tomb as any other.

Great sentence! It's very simple, yet it says so much! Great writing!

I have to thank you for taking me inside the mind of someone I had never thought I could feel such emotion for, or identify with in this way. You've described everything so well, I had a clear vision of the main character's life and thoughts, and I could easily identify with him. Nicely done!

I also love your descriptions of the other passengers. You do well to describe them in the voice of the main character, instead of an objective point of view. That helps maintain the great tone of the story. Well done!

Title/Rating/Genres:

Good title. It's simple and straightforward, yet also hints at the finality portrayed in the story.

Your ratings genres are well-chosen and appropriate.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

John smiled at the driver and wondered if it would be the driver’s last day as well, it was all up to John. The bus was completely empty, it was at the third stop on its route and no commuters had yet to board, maybe that was a sign.
These are comma splices, where you have two independent thoughts joined by only a comma. To be gramatically correct, this should be revised, perhaps to:

John smiled at the driver and wondered if it would be the driver's last day as well. It was all up to John. The bus was completely empty. It was the third stop on its route and no commuters had yet to board. Maybe that was a sign.

(the owner of the companies son).
this is a tad confusing. The son belongs to someone, which is telling me that an apostrophe is needed to show ownership, yet it seems confusing where to put one. Perhaps something like this

The company owner's son

At the next stop three people -boarded the bus.
I don't think the dash is needed here.

content with the others love.
others

other's
(apostrophe to show ownership)

He met her at his aunts wedding.
aunts

aunt's
(apostrophe to show ownership)

He loved her more then he could ever believe or describe.
then

than

John recognized the first man as Dave a friend of Laura’s, he would see John they would nod recognition, but Dave wouldn’t come to sit next to John and talk.
comma splice, consider revising. Perhaps: John recognized the first man as Dave, a friend of Laura's. He would see John, and they would nod recognition. Dave wouldn't come sit next to John and talk, though.

The family went to the middle, where the mother set the pram and then sat down, her baby facing her, the baby began to cry.
comma splice

The family went to the middle, where the mother set the pram and then sat down, her baby facing her. The baby began to cry.

The day was beginning to warm up, it was spring and it would probably be a beautiful day.
comma splice

The day was beginning to warm up. It was spring, and it would probably be a beautiful day.

The story starts off well and ends well, though for me the middle gets a little muddied. The language starts to become more complicated (with the exception of the italicised parts, the flashbacks. They keep the same succint tone). In the end, the story works, though, so I'm not sure I would change the middle. I just remember while reading, thinking that the middle doesn't quite pack the same punch as the rest of the story. Just my thoughts.

My Rating

4.0 - An excellent story with some really great writing! For me, the grammar could use a bit of cleaning up (with particular attention to comma splices and run-on sentences), and the end could be a little tighter. Overall, though, this is quite an enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing your work!

Keep on writing!

Sincerely,

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196

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14 days may be credited.

#2618931

Review of Awkward

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Nathii M.

!

Thanks for stopping by "Invalid Item"

!

This is my review for "Awkward"

[13+].

Overall Thoughts:

I think this definitely fits in the category of Monologue. I had a very clear sense of the writer, and your writing is quite creative, while at the same time clear and straightforward.

I quite enjoy your style of writing! It has an offbeat flavor that may not be appreciated by everyone, but for me style is very important. I like yours very much.

I like that you keep the same themes throughout this monologue. Though you shift to various topics, they are all interconnected and relate well to one another. Good job!

Title/Rating/Genres:

Good title and intro! Definitely caught my interest!

Your ratings and genres seem appropriate for this item.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

at the same time envying my ease of getting into any of described hero's head.
This sounded a tad off to me. Perhaps:

at the same time envying my ease of getting into any described hero's head.

I give you my sick thoughts and you give me your thesaurus.
I believe comma usage is mostly a personal preference. That being said, I've been taught that two independent clauses should be joined by a comma before the conjunction. Because "I give you my sick thoughts" and "You give me your thesaurus" can stand alone separately, they are independent clauses. When joined by the conjunction "and," a comma should appear before the conjunction:

I give you my sick thoughts, and you give me your thesaurus

(This rule also is listed in my copy of The Writer's Brief Handbook.)

but never really bothered to check up the meaning in the dic
I've never seen the word "dictionary" abbreviated in this way. I'm not saying it's wrong, but some people may not understand what it means.

As usual in any kind of relationship things were idyllic until we started discussing politics.
For me, a comma could clear up this sentence a bit

As usual in any kind of relationship, things were idyllic until we started discussing politics.

For me, this could have had a stronger ending. The end just seemed sort of sudden to me. I understand you wrote this for a contest. Was there a word limit? That would explain the rushed feel to the end. I do suggest that you look over your ending once more, and perhaps consider adding a little bit to it. Perhaps more of a summation, something to wrap up the topic. Just my suggestion. It's up to you, of course.

My Rating

4.0 - A really good monologue! For me, the grammar could use a tiny bit of tweaking, and it could use a stronger ending. This is generally a good, strong piece of writing, though. Keep it up!

Thank you for sharing your work!

Sincerely,

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197

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#2606138

Review of Deal with the Devil

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there Speed.bumps

Welcome to Writing.Com! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

This is my review for "Deal with the Devil"

Overall Thoughts:

Delightful horror! I liked how spooky this poem is, the creepy feel it gives the reader. Excellent job!

For the most part, your rhyme is excellent! It created a flowing feel to it as I read along. Nicely done!

The poem tells a story and has definite movement within it, rather than a description of a theme or emotion. I really liked that aspect of this poem.

I loved the last line! It's a perfect ending!

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.
(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

Your rhyme scheme is slightly irregular. I was confused at first since you have your title positioned as the first line of the poem, and I'm not sure it's meant to be. You may want to add a space between the title and the poem, or you don't necessarily have to include the title in the body of the poem since it is displayed at the top, anyway. Totally your choice.

You have every other line rhyming in the poem until the last four lines:

A deal with the devil was made,
years before with her father;
a large golden harvest each year
for the price of each son and each daughter.

While irregular rhyme isn't incorrect in poetry, it did jar me a little while I was reading. You may want to take another look at the last lines of the poem and decide for yourself which would work better, keeping a consistent rhyme scheme or not doing so. Again, the choice is up to you, of course.

My Rating

4.0 - A creepy short poem! I really enjoyed this! For me, I would like a more consistent rhyme scheme to help the poem flow more easily when reading.

Thank you for sharing your work! Keep on writing!

Sincerely,

"Noticing Newbies"

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

[13+]

198

#2606122

Review of Every Two Seconds

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there Satira

Welcome to Writing.Com! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

This is my review for "Every Two Seconds"

Overall Thoughts:

I can definitely relate to this, as I'm sure many can! Great universal topic, and I can tell that this poem is coming from personal experience. Good job in communicating your theme.

I also like how one-sided this poem feels. The reader only gets one side of the situation, which draws them in closer to the words and intensifies the personal feel of the poem. Well done!

I enjoyed the form of this poem. It has a great free verse feel to it, like thoughts poured out onto paper.

My favorite lines were:

Every
Two
Seconds.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.
(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)

But still I check it's status
it's should be

its
its shows ownership, while it's is a contraction of "it is"

My Rating

4.5 - An excellent poem with a great theme and style! Great job!

Keep on writing!

Sincerely,

"Noticing Newbies"