|Hi Alexander !
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This is my review for "Last ride" [13+].
Great start! You've done extremely well in grabbing my attention immediately! I love how simple the language is in the first few paragraphs. It helps pull me in right away, and sets a great tone for the rest of the piece. The feel I get from your writing is succint. You write what you want to convey in simple yet descriptive terms. For instance:
The bus was silent, as good a tomb as any other.
Great sentence! It's very simple, yet it says so much! Great writing!
I have to thank you for taking me inside the mind of someone I had never thought I could feel such emotion for, or identify with in this way. You've described everything so well, I had a clear vision of the main character's life and thoughts, and I could easily identify with him. Nicely done!
I also love your descriptions of the other passengers. You do well to describe them in the voice of the main character, instead of an objective point of view. That helps maintain the great tone of the story. Well done!
Good title. It's simple and straightforward, yet also hints at the finality portrayed in the story.
Your ratings genres are well-chosen and appropriate.
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.
(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)
John smiled at the driver and wondered if it would be the driver’s last day as well, it was all up to John. The bus was completely empty, it was at the third stop on its route and no commuters had yet to board, maybe that was a sign.
These are comma splices, where you have two independent thoughts joined by only a comma. To be gramatically correct, this should be revised, perhaps to:
John smiled at the driver and wondered if it would be the driver's last day as well. It was all up to John. The bus was completely empty. It was the third stop on its route and no commuters had yet to board. Maybe that was a sign.
(the owner of the companies son).
this is a tad confusing. The son belongs to someone, which is telling me that an apostrophe is needed to show ownership, yet it seems confusing where to put one. Perhaps something like this The company owner's son
At the next stop three people -boarded the bus.
I don't think the dash is needed here.
content with the others love.
(apostrophe to show ownership)
He met her at his aunts wedding.
(apostrophe to show ownership)
He loved her more then he could ever believe or describe.
John recognized the first man as Dave a friend of Laura’s, he would see John they would nod recognition, but Dave wouldn’t come to sit next to John and talk.
comma splice, consider revising. Perhaps: John recognized the first man as Dave, a friend of Laura's. He would see John, and they would nod recognition. Dave wouldn't come sit next to John and talk, though.
The family went to the middle, where the mother set the pram and then sat down, her baby facing her, the baby began to cry.
comma splice The family went to the middle, where the mother set the pram and then sat down, her baby facing her. The baby began to cry.
The day was beginning to warm up, it was spring and it would probably be a beautiful day.
comma splice The day was beginning to warm up. It was spring, and it would probably be a beautiful day.
The story starts off well and ends well, though for me the middle gets a little muddied. The language starts to become more complicated (with the exception of the italicised parts, the flashbacks. They keep the same succint tone). In the end, the story works, though, so I'm not sure I would change the middle. I just remember while reading, thinking that the middle doesn't quite pack the same punch as the rest of the story. Just my thoughts.
4.0 - An excellent story with some really great writing! For me, the grammar could use a bit of cleaning up (with particular attention to comma splices and run-on sentences), and the end could be a little tighter. Overall, though, this is quite an enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing your work!
Keep on writing!
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