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OLDWARRIOR'S POETRY FOLDER

Want perfect poetry? THIS IS NOT THE PLACE. My simple poetry comes from my heart and soul.

Alphabetical Conversation

Based on 90 second alphabet on "Whose Line is it Anyway"

BY ONLINE AUTHORS

Goodbye, Goddess

A hired sword must decide if he wants to lose a duel.

The Science Fiction Short Story Contest

A contest inspired by the serious need for more good sci-fi

Solo Sonatas and Red Lipstick

June contest entry for the Adam West Conspiracy

RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group

RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.

READ A NEWBIE

Flight of the Hawk

Young Native American goes on a vision quest

Who am i

This is a exploration of identity, self-perception and human condition.

Phony World

Calling people out when they're acting fake...

Nicole

Poetry Name Nicole how I meet this girl hopefully it inspires you like my high school days

BY ONLINE AUTHORS

RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group

RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) helps members by Upgrading them.

The War Next Door

A rivalry among neighbors. Writer's Cramp entry.

The Science Fiction Short Story Contest

A contest inspired by the serious need for more good sci-fi

The Final Tale of Alkrush

A scene on set becomes very interesting

Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/spidergirl/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/12

spidey

Review Requests: ON

1,195 Public Reviews Given

1,627 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I attempt a well-rounded review where I look at the item from a writer's and reader's perspective. I'll tell you what I liked and what I think could be strengthened. I like to think I'm a courteous and helpful reviewer.

I'm good at...

attention to detail. If there's a typo, I'll find it!

Favorite Genres

Sci-Fi, Horror, Mystery, Thriller, Drama, Satire, and more

Least Favorite Genres

Romance, Religion, Sports

Favorite Item Types

Short Stories, Poetry, Essays

Least Favorite Item Types

Novels (I just don't have that much time)

I will not review...

There is very little I won't review. Try me!

Public Reviews

Previous ... 8 9 10 11 -12- 13 14 15 16 ... Next

276

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#2099110

Review of Flight of Fancy

Review by spidey

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi there DragonWrites~The Fire Faerie~

,

This looks like a great and creative group! I like that the group description is clear and simple, a group for fantasy/sci-fi lovers.

You may want to consider adding a little detail on what is expected of members, so those interested in joining will know what will be expected of them.

Your members may be interested in this contest: "Invalid Item"

. Its prompts could inspire some great sci-fi/fantasy short stories.

Good luck with your group!

277

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14 days may be credited.

#2098130

Review of My Dreams Brought you Back

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi Rachwrites82

! Welcome to Writing.com! If you have any questions about the site, don't hesitate to ask!

This is my review for "My Dreams Brought you Back"

[E].

Strengths

Wonderful job with the rhyme scheme! Your use of rhyming helps the poem flow nicely, and it was a pleasure to read.

I also like that the text is centered, as it made the poem very pleasing to the eye.

I loved the last line! It's a perfect ending to the poem.

Your use of punctuation also helped the flow of the poem.

Grammar

I found no errors. Great job!

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

For me, the poem could have contained a little more imagery. For instance, instead of the line "my heart was beating very fast," you could describe the feeling of it - what the speaker physically or emotionally feels.

The message of the poem comes across very clearly to the reader, and I think you've done a great job of that. For me personally, I would have liked a little more imagery and emotion in the poem.

My Rating

3.0 - Great job! Keep on writing!

Sincerely,
spidey

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278

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#2097855

Review of Bedroom Surprise

Review by spidey

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Mitch

!

This is my review for "Bedroom Surprise"

[18+]. I was surprised to see that I didn't already rate this poem.

Strengths

I love the stark imagery in this poem! I've read this poem several times and it affects greatly me each time I read it. The imagery works so well for me because it is subtle. It took more than one reading for me to understand exactly what happens in the poem, and that's the kind of poetry I really love. It's simple and complex at the same time.

The repetition in this poem works very well in conveying the beautiful imagery and tone to the reader. The repetition of the word "red" in particular reinforces the image to the reader.

Your use of punctuation greatly affects the flow of the poem. The use of periods makes the reader stop at every line, and it works very well within the poem.

Grammar

I found no errors.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

I have no suggestions for this poem. It's wonderful as it is.

My Rating

4.5 - Great job! Keep on writing poetry, and I'll keep reading it. I think I've reviewed most, if not all, of your free verse poetry, and I have to say that I'm a big fan. Keep up the great work!

Sincerely,
spidey

won in an auction

279

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#2097845

Review of The Bunny

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Mitch

!

This is my review for "The Bunny"

[E].

Strengths

Your use of WritingML, punctuation and spacing is great in this poem! The italicized words really help convey meaning to the reader. Nice job!

I enjoyed the tone of the poem. It reads almost like prose, like the telling of a story, yet with a poetic edge to it. I like the somber, almost empty tone to the poem, of course mixed with the feeling of hope represented in the "bunny."

Grammar

I found no errors.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

While I liked the minimal use of punctuation in the poem, I wondered why some of the stanzas contained a period after the last line, while others did not. For me, I would have liked more uniformity among the stanzas. It's not necessary to do so, but I felt it could have been used to create a more even flow to the poem.

I like the color you use for the text, but it seemed a little bold to me. Perhaps if you take the bold tags off, and left it a more pale, lighter color. I think it might fit the tone of the poem a bit more.

My Rating

4.0 - Lovely poem! Thanks for sharing it with me, and keep up the great work!

Sincerely,
spidey

won in an auction

280

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14 days may be credited.

#1993237

Review of Memories of Moonlight

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Artemis

!

This is my review for "Memories of Moonlight"

[E].

Strengths

This is a great start to a story! Your writing is very descriptive yet direct. The first parragraph sets up the tone and setting very well. I was immediately pulled into the story. Excellent job!

Using the first person point of view (using "I" instead of "she") was a great choice. It helped me identify with the main character, as well as pulling me closer to the story.

Grammar

enveloped me as a ran through the field behind my house.

I think the word "a" should be "I."

I knew mother wouldn’t come looking for me, she had learned long ago my night wanderings

This is a run-on sentence. You may want to insert a period after the word "me" to replace the comma. Or you could use a semi-colon here.

Soon after the moon came out, bathing the forest in its soft blue light.

This sentence sounded awkward to me. At first, I thought it was a fragment. If you place a comma after the word "after," it becomes clearer (though you then might want to take out the comma after "out" to avoid overusing the comma). It's not necessary to change this sentence, though. I just wanted to let you know that I felt it sounded a bit awkward.

I heard and intake of breath and realized it was my own.

I believe the word "and" should be "an."

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

Soon after the moon came out

To me the phrase "the moon came out" didn't fit with the way the rest of the story is written. Your writing is more elegant and uses great imagery to describe the scene. To me "the moon came out" seemed to simple. Perhaps "Soon after moonlight shone through the night" or something just a tad more poetic to fit with the rest of the story.

The guy in front of me was the most dangerously attractive person I had ever seen.

I didn't like the use of the word "guy" here. To me, it didn't match the tone of the rest of the piece. It felt too much like slang to me. Perhaps you could change it to "man." Just a suggestion.

You may want to consider adding an extra space in between paragraphs. It just makes the story a bit easier to read.

My Rating

3.5 - I love your writing in this and I think it's going to make a great story! Keep on writing!

Sincerely,
spidey

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281

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#1992110

Review of For a Coffee house fiction contest

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi stormdrac

!

This is my review for "For a Coffee house fiction contest"

[E].

Strengths

Your characterizations are great! Each character stood out as an individual and this is due to your use of description. For instance, His twisted arthritic body could no longer back up his fierce demeanor but that didn’t stop Artore one bit. This is a great way to describe a character! Great job!

You also do a wonderful job of describing the setting. The story is a fantasy taking place in another world and you do very well in subtly pointing that out. Descriptions such as occasional glowing roots of rotting trees help point out that this is a different world, yet it isn't overdone at the same time. You introduce the reader gradually to this new world, and that helps the reader understand the story and become immersed into the story easily.

Grammar

She fell into an uneasy sleep while the group of riders clustered nearly over her head, tried to decide where she had gone.

I don't think you need the comma after the word "head."

“I told you she would outsmart you.” The elder of the group sneered under his breath.

There should be a space between the previous paragraph and this one. Also, the period after the word "you" should be a comma.

It seemed as scared as she, when they untangled themselves.
The comma after "she" isn't needed.

Its eyes were large luminous, and green, as was its skin.

A comma is needed after the word "large."

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

In the first paragraph, you use the word "they" three times in three consecutive paragraphs. You may want to change one of these to something else, like "the group of riders," for instance.

Some animal or another
"or another" sounds a bit awkward here. You may want to consider taking it out.

Her little rest rejuvenated her enough for her to keep going until sunrise.

I think the phrase "for her" is unneeded.

My Rating

4.0 - This is a great start to your story! You do a great job in setting up the environment and characters. I'd love to read more!

Sincerely,
spidey

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#1901578

Review of The Picture Gallery

Review by spidey

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

I'm reviewing the entire folder, because I think you've got some really great items here!

By browsing through your port, I can see that you've created an entire world for your novel, "Invalid Item"

. I love that you have images like "Invalid Item"

and "Invalid Item"

. It shows that you've put a great amount of thought and effort into your novel!

I also love that you have maps for your fantasy novel! It really helps the reader get an idea of geography within a story.

I'd love to have the passkey for the novel! This folder has definitely captured my interest in The Treeling Cycle!

Keep up the great work and thank you for sharing it with everyone!!

spidey

283

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#1818633

Review of THAT SONG

Review by spidey

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Mitch

!

This is my review for "THAT SONG"

[ASR].

Strengths

You've really developed a knack for creating a beautiful image with simple wordings, which is a great device in poetry! I loved these lines:

The tune fades in and out
And remembrance does the same

They are simple, yet very descriptive and beautiful. Wonderful job!

The tone of this poem is great. There is a clear "voice" of the speaker and the message being conveyed. This comes through to the reader very easily through the beautiful and simple language in the poem.

I like the structure of the poem, as well. It matches the poem with its simplicity and the lack of rhyme puts the focus on what is being said, rather than how it is being said. Nicely done!

Grammar

I found no errors.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

My only suggestion would be to perhaps add a bit more imagery. Perhaps more description of the speaker's present situation to tie with the past. Maybe a description of the interior of the car? I love the use of sound in the poem, and I found myself wanting a bit more of other senses, as well. I know the sound is the most important, due to the "song" which is the central focus of the poem, but I found myself wanting a bit more imagery dealing with the senses.

My Rating

4.0 - Great poem! I really enjoyed it!

Sincerely,
spidey

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284

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#1818622

Review of Which Way Is Back?

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Mitch

!

This is my review for "Which Way Is Back?"

[13+].

Strengths

I love the tone of this poem! It is reminiscent and poetic, yet sarcastic and realistic. It's a perfect combination for the poem!

I also like the way you have the stanzas set up. The indented lines created a "moving foward" feel to the poem for me, which contrasts wonderfully with the imagery of looking back.

I also enjoyed the wording and imagery in the poem. I love the line "Politics replaced grains of sand."

Grammar

I found no errors.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

My only suggestion deals with this line:

The slippery slopes of the slides.

For me, it was too many syllables in the one line or perhaps too many "s" sounds. I had to read it a few times, and it took me out of the poem. It seemed to disrupt the really great rhythm of the poem. Perhaps you might change the line to:

The slippery slopes of slides.

or replaces the word "slippery" with another word.

My Rating

4.5 - Wonderful poem! I really enjoyed reading and reviewing it!

Sincerely,
spidey

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285

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#1818618

Review of If Been

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Mitch

!

This is my review for "If Been"

[E].

Strengths

The first thing that I noticed in this poem is how well the structure fits the content of the poem. It looks great centered and with the blue font. It matches the content of the poem very well and enhances the tone and feel of the poem.

Another thing that helps the tone of this poem is your word choices. Words like "if," "glide," "spring" and "floods" give the poem a very soft tone that fits the poem perfectly.

The imagery in this poem is beautifully done. I can picture the images very well, and I love the descriptions, particularly "ceaseless circles" and "flowing floods."

Grammar

No errors.

Suggestions
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.

I don't have any suggestions for this poem. It's perfect as it is.

My Rating

5.0 - Perfect!

Sincerely,
spidey

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286

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#1799477

Review of You Might Be a College Kid If....

Review by spidey

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

I love these! They really made me laugh and reminisce about being in college. I definitely experienced more of these while living in a dorm on campus, but also a few of them when I had my own apartment.

Have you survived on Ramen yet? I'm not sure if there are different names for it in different regions, but I lived off that stuff for a long time! (I also worked at a movie theater where I got all the free popcorn I could ever want)

Keep on adding to this, and I'll keep on reading!

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#1707878

Review of Convention Feedback Contest : Closed!

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

This is a great contest, and while I can't participate, since I didn't attend the Convention, I'll certainly be watching on the sidelines.

I love that you have different categories for entries. I think it's a very creative concept for your contest.

The rules are stated clearly, and I like your use of WritingML.

Good luck with your contest, and please accept my donation.

spidey

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#1706333

Review of Word Searches

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi there!

I really enjoyed your word search folder. I liked learning a bit about you in your Decathlon entry, "Word Search 1"

[E], which was a very creative entry.

Your other word search, "Word Search 2, Dog Breeds"

[E], taught me about the different kinds of dog breeds. Informational and fun!

Great job on these word searches. Thanks for the fun!

289

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#1706298

Review of Till Death Do We Part?

Review by spidey

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi magic2005

This is my review for "Till Death Do We Part?"

[18+]

Thanks for sharing this great poem and welcome to Writing.com!

(If you have any questions, feel free to ask!)

Strengths:

I love the sheer emotion in this poem! It conveys so much!

I really like the strong language in the poem. It really helps convey the violence and emotion in the poem. I really liked the line:

Smash!Bam! Then everything spins.

I love the last line! It's very effective.

Grammar/Spelling:

I found no errors - Great job!

your gonna pay

"your" should be you're.

Suggestions:
These are just my opinions, and are meant to help you in your writing. Feel free to ignore or follow any suggestions.

A few of the lines felt, to me, like they should be split into two lines. The first line, for example, consists of two statements. I think it would be more effective to start a new line after the period in the first line. I had the same feeling with the seventh line, as well.

I love the rhyming in the poem, but the rhyme scheme felt a bit uneven to me. You may want to take a closer look at the rhyme scheme of the poem. Evening out the rhyme scheme could help a bit with the flow of the poem.

My rating:

3.5 - Great job! I really enjoyed reading this!! I think this poem has great potential. There is a great amount of good imagery and tone in the poem.

Keep up the great work!!

Sincerely,
spidey

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#1706279

Review of Fountain of Youth

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi JH06

and welcome to Writing.com!

(If you have any questions, feel free to ask me!)

This is my review for "Fountain of Youth"

[E]. I really enjoyed this poem. Though I haven't read "Dr. Heidger's Experiment," I think I've got a good idea of the story with this poem.

Thanks for sharing this great poem!

Strengths:

I like the movement within the poem. It is set up well and has a great conclusion at the end!

I also liked the use of dialogue in the poem. It really created a "storytelling" feel to the poem, and made it enjoyable to read.

Grammar/Spelling:

"I can make you young again."
Here is some water from the fountain of youth.
It will make you young, I tell the truth.

To me, it seemed that the end quotation marks should have occurred after the word "truth." All three of the lines seemed to go together, and I took it as all what the old man was saying.

Suggestions:
These are just my opinions, and are meant to help you in your writing. Feel free to ignore or follow any suggestions.

Most of the poem contains rhymed couplets, that is two lines in a row that rhyme. Yet, it seemed like the first line should have been split into two lines to continue the rhyme scheme. For instance, it could be:

Tell me the truth.
Can this water restore my youth?

instead of:

Tell me the truth.Can this water restore my youth?

Also, line 8 seemed out of place, since it does not have a companion line, another line that rhymes with it. Perhaps you could add another line before or after it to keep with the rhyming couplet scheme.

My rating:

3.5 - Great job! I really enjoyed this poem! I think it tells a great story, and I love the ending! There were a few structural problems that I had with the poem, which can be easily straightened out, I think.

Keep up the great work!!

Sincerely,
spidey

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#1702948

Review of One step ahead to nowhere, rev.

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Don Anderson

This is my review for "One step ahead to nowhere, rev."

[13+]

Thanks for sharing this great poem!

Strengths:

I love the use of punctuation in this poem! I like the minimal use of periods. Most of the punctuation is commas, which really affects the flow of the poem.

Your word choices are great. The poem has great imagery and tone, which is set up by your word choices.

I really enjoyed the last stanza! It's a great ending to the poem, and it really captures the tone of the piece.

Grammar/Spelling:

I found no errors - Great job!

Suggestions:
These are just my opinions, and are meant to help you in your writing. Feel free to ignore or follow any suggestions.

Like I mentioned above, I like the minimal use of periods in the poem. Using commas really helps the flow; it helps the poem keeping moving forward, and I think it really matches the tone of the poem. You may want to consider not using the other two periods in the poem, and just keeping the one at the end. That could further emphasize the theme. Just a suggestion.

My rating:

4.5 - Great job! I really enjoyed reading this!!

Keep up the great work!!

Sincerely,
spidey

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#1672832

Review of Wasted Wisdom

Review by spidey

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hi Kenzie

This is my review for "Wasted Wisdom"

[ASR]

Thanks for sharing this great article!

Strengths:

I really like the inspirational message of this article. You do well in proving your point, by drawing on history and personal experience. I definitely agree with you.

The article is written very well, in an informal, and personal, yet informative manner. It is a joy to read.

I like the way the article is set up, with its intent at the top, in bold and italic. Then your personal story is related, drawing on the statement at the top. It ends by coming full circle, and reiterating your main point. It is a well thought out argument, and is presented to the reader very well. Good job!

Grammar/Spelling:

Even immediate families don’t have the opportunity to sit and share any more.

I believe that "any more" should be one word - anymore.

Suggestions:
These are just my opinions, and are meant to help you in your writing. Feel free to ignore or follow any suggestions.

I have no suggestions for this piece. It's great as it is.

My rating:

5.0 - Great job! I really enjoyed reading this!!

Keep up the great work!!

Sincerely,
spidey

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#1672824

Review of The Candiru

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Harry

This is my review for "The Candiru"

[13+]

Thanks for sharing this humorous poem!

Strengths:

I love the comical tone of the poem. It is kept throughout the poem, and it made it light and fun to read. Well done!

I love your word choices. The words you've used really help convey the tone, as well as set up some great imagery.

I also really enjoyed the structure of the poem. I like the rhyme scheme, which works wonderfully in the poem. It makes the poem have a definite rhythm, yet it doesn't sound forced. Good job!

I love the last line! It's a great end to the poem. I certainly learned a lesson through the poem!

Grammar/Spelling:

I found no errors - Great job!

Suggestions:
These are just my opinions, and are meant to help you in your writing. Feel free to ignore or follow any suggestions.

My only suggestion deals with the line breaks. Some of the lines are broken mid-phrase/sentence, and that breaks up the rhythm a bit. To change how the lines are broken, though, would break the rhyme scheme. The poem does work very well the way it is, but I wanted to let you know that, as a reader, I felt the rhythm was disrupted a bit by it. It made me pause while reading, which took me out of the poem. I just thought I'd let you know my reaction as a reader.

My rating:

4.5 - Great job! I really enjoyed reading this!!

Keep up the great work!!

Sincerely,
spidey

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#1633638

Review of Golden

Review by spidey

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi Jack Goldman

This is my review for "Golden"

[ASR]

Thanks for sharing this great story!

Strengths:

I love the simplicity of the story. The story focuses on the moment, and the emotions felt by the character. A very controversial issue is at play in the story, but I love how the focus isn't really on the issue. It's focused on the characters, which, for me, made the story great.

I really love the lack of detail in the story. I like that the setting isn't described in detail, nor are the characters. It really helps focus everything on the moment, and makes the story that more emotional and touching.

I really enjoyed the language used in the story. It was poetic and beautiful, very descriptive yet simple.

Grammar/Spelling:

I found no errors - Great job!

Suggestions:
These are just my opinions, and are meant to help you in your writing. Feel free to ignore or follow any suggestions.

This isn't quite a suggestion, but I felt that the dialogue wasn't realistic. I'm not saying that's a bad thing (It actually fits well in the story). I just wanted to let you know that it pulled me out of the moment just a tad, because the dialogue is very poetic, and not very realistic, in my opinion. Like I said, it's not really a suggestion, I just wanted to let you know what my reaction, as a reader, was to the dialogue you used in the story.

My rating:

4.5 - Great job! I really enjoyed reading this!!

Keep up the great work!!

Sincerely,
spidey

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#1525147

Review of Gently Down the Stream

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Rocky

This is my review for "Gently Down the Stream"

[E]

Thanks for sharing this great poem!

Strengths:

I love the repetition in this poem! It really works to create a great tone, and it keeps the poem moving along. Great job!

I really like your word choices in this poem. Words like "gentle," "drift," and "pine" really create a delicate and soft tone for the poem. Nicely done!

I loved the end of the poem! The poem has a great movement to it, which is pointed out in the repetition in the last line of each stanza. The poem clearly moves through a range of emotions on the part of the speaker, from drifting, to waiting, to fear, to wondering, to clinging, and finally ending at praying. Very nicely done!

Grammar/Spelling:

I found no errors - Great job!

Suggestions:
These are just my opinions, and are meant to help you in your writing. Feel free to ignore or follow any suggestions.

My only suggestion deals with the following two lines:

The rumble now is deafening.
The light is blinding now.

The repetition of the word "now" interrupted the flow of the poem for me. I love the use of repetition in the last line of each stanza, but I didn't like it here. I would suggest changing it so that the word "now" is used only once in these two lines.

My rating:

4.5 - Great job! I really enjoyed reading this!! Wonderful poem!

Keep up the great work!!

Also, if you would be interested in a free verse poetry contest, check out this:
"Spidey's Weekly Poetry Contest"

[ASR]

Sincerely,
spidey

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#1524969

Review of At a Soldiers' Cemetery

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi VerySara

This is my review for "At a Soldiers' Cemetery"

[E]

Thanks for sharing this great poem! And thanks for asking me to review your work!

Strengths:

I really enjoyed the great imagery in this poem. The language gives some really vivid images. My favorite lines:

call or a letter, where the deep red blood
had stained the veins of cerulean to stone.

I found the theme of the poem very interesting. I like that you place focus on the sadness and apparent unneeded loss that comes with war. Nicely done!

I also enjoyed your use of punctuation in the poem.

Grammar/Spelling:
I found some spelling errors, when I copied the poem into a Word program. It is quite possible that they are alternate spellings, however, so I'm just pointing out what the program noted as spelling errors.

In the title Cemetary
should be cemetery.

In the last line

foresaken should be forsaken.

Suggestions:
These are just my opinions, and are meant to help you in your writing. Feel free to ignore or follow any suggestions.

My only suggestion has to do with the flow of the poem. There is a definite rhyme scheme in the poem, yet the rhythm of the poem is interrupted in several places in an attempt to follow the rhyme scheme. For instance:

Are these tombs of heroes? Do they say
Which war it was, and whose side they
fought for or against, or does it matter?

Ending a phrase in the middle of a line in a poem can disrupt the natural flow of the poem, especially when there is a strict rhyme scheme.

To me, the poem could be much more effective if it didn't follow a rhyme scheme. You would be free to desribe the scene with more of the great imagery you've set up in the poem, and be not restricted by trying to create a rhyme at the end of the lines.

So, my suggestion would be to either try to follow the rhyme scheme you've set up by re-writing so that phrases do not end mid-line, or perhaps re-write the poem so that it is free verse, with no rhyme scheme. You've got some great images, and a beautiful theme in this poem! I think it has great potential! For me, the structure doesn't quite fit the nature of the poem. You could play around with it a bit and find the perfect structure for your poem.

My rating:

3.0 - Great job! I really enjoyed reading this!! I think this poem has great potential! It's got great imagery and tone, and I really enjoy the subject matter. To me, though, the structure could use a little work.

Keep up the great work!!

Also, if you would be interested in a free verse poetry contest, check out this:
"Spidey's Weekly Poetry Contest"

[ASR]

Sincerely,
spidey

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#1501876

Review of Fear of Flying

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Ann Ticipation

This is my review for "Fear of Flying"

[E]

Thanks for sharing this great poem! I can certainly relate to this poem, as I have my own fear of flying, though for me, being up in the air in the plane was worse than taking off and landing.

Strengths:

I really enjoyed the line breaks in this poem, as well as the rhyme scheme. I wasn't even aware of a rhyme scheme until most of the way through the poem. The poem flows very well, and was quite enjoyable to read. Well done!

I really enjoyed the 'unconventional' line breaks. There were many lines where a new thought began or ended mid-line. For me, this created a convoluted, almost frantic pace and flow to the poem, which directly correlates to the speaker's feelings of fear. Great job!

I loved the imagery and very descriptive words of the poem. I could feel the fear and emotion that the speaker is describing. Nicely done!

Grammar/Spelling:

I found no errors - Great job!

Suggestions:
These are just my opinions, and are meant to help you in your writing. Feel free to ignore or follow any suggestions.

My only suggestion concerns this line:

I always try to tell myself, that anyhow,

To me, it seems like the comma after myself should be moved to after the word that, and I think the word anyway would sound better than anyhow. Just a suggestion.

My rating:

4.5 - Great job! I really enjoyed reading this!!

Keep up the great work!!

Also, if you would be interested in a free verse poetry contest, check out this:
"Spidey's Weekly Poetry Contest"

[ASR]

Sincerely,
spidey

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#1491892

Review of Starship Sentry

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Jack Goldman

This is my review for "Starship Sentry"

[E]

Thanks for sharing this great short story! This was one of those stories where you can tell there's something else going on, and I kept trying to guess what it was. I was pleasantly surprized by the ending!

Strengths:

You do very well in explaining the purpose of a "Sentry" without confusing the reader. I like that you give details to the reader throughout the story, instead of all at once. It made the story easy and enjoyable to read.

I loved the end! It fit perfectly and made me smile!

Grammar/Spelling:

I found no errors - Great job!

Suggestions:
These are just my opinions, and are meant to help you in your writing. Feel free to ignore or follow any suggestions.

I have no suggestions for this piece. It's great as it is.

My rating:

4.5 - Great job! I really enjoyed reading this!!

Keep up the great work!!

Sincerely,
spidey

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#1411142

Review of "Alone in the Crowd"

Review by spidey

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Pora

This is my review for ""Alone in the Crowd""

[13+]

Thanks for sharing this great poem, and thanks for stopping by "Invalid Item"

!

Strengths:

I really love the language of this poem! It is very personal to the speaker, and conveys a unique perspective. It feels like a personal glimpse into the speaker's world. Nicely done!

I love the great imagery you've got in this poem! I could clearly see the scenes being described.

Grammar/Spelling:

Its Luke left with scars on his body,

Its should be It's.

And he why you shouldn’t be blamed,

This line was a bit confusing to me. Perhaps the he should be taken out.

Suggestions:
These are just my opinions, and are meant to help you in your writing. Feel free to ignore or follow any suggestions.

My only suggestion has to do with the structure of this poem. The poem felt like it has a great rhythm, but for me, the structure does not fit the poem. To me, it seemed like it would work better written out, as prose poetry. Try writing this out as a paragraph, or having longer line lengths, perhaps. It's just my suggestion, but I definitely felt this poem would work better with a different structure.

My rating:

3.5 - Great job! I really enjoyed reading this!!

Keep up the great work!!

Sincerely,
spidey

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#1411122

Review of The White Rose

Review by spidey

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Unicorn

This is my review for "The White Rose"

[E]

Thanks for sharing this great poem, and thanks for stopping by "Invalid Item"

!

Strengths:

I love the beautiful imagery in this poem. Starting with the first stanza, this poem contains some great images!

This poem has great and beautiful language! I loved these lines:

Pools of blood swirled around.
The pitiful cries echoed everywhere,
As the river of tears tumbled down.

I love the tone of the poem, and how it shifts through the poem. It begins with a very delicate and lovely tone, with the desription of the setting, and the waking of the White Rose. Then the poem turns to a tone of violence and despair, and finally to sadness at the finish of the poem. Nicely done!

Grammar/Spelling:

I found no errors - Great job!

Suggestions:
These are just my opinions, and are meant to help you in your writing. Feel free to ignore or follow any suggestions.

Some of the lines contained an underscore line at the end. For instance:

The dew drops glittered and sparkled_

It may look better to use a dash or hyphen. The underscore lines seemed out of place, to me.

My rating:

4.0 - Great job! I really enjoyed reading this!!

Keep up the great work!!

Sincerely,
spidey

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