|Hi there morrningstarr
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This is my review for "Internet Connection"
What I like most about this story is its pace. You explain everything in lots of detail, and the story moves along slowly, building suspense. I think you've got a great handle on what you want to say here, though I do think a little work needs to be done on how you're telling the story.
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.
(In reference to any grammar/spelling suggestions these are suggestions made with my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)
You have a great deal of spelling, capitalizing and punctuation errors in this. I'll go over the first paragraph's errors here, but I must suggest that you run a spell-check on this yourself (Writing.com offers one - look for the black bar under the title of your item. Click "Spell" to run the spell-check program). You may also want to read this out loud. That's a good way to catch errors that your eye may glance over.
The birds chirpping making it impossible to lounge in bed.
I'm not sure "chirping" is the right word here. This sentence didn't read quite right to me. Perhaps, "The birds chirped, making it impossible to lounge in bed."
Just my thoughts.
She smiled as ahe thought of him again, her heart leaping.
Every time she though of him her chest tightened and she felt like crying out into the world, but calm reserve kept her form doing so.It had been only Three weeks anyways, not Even enough for her to be feeling this way but she did and she loved it.
The first sentence is a bit too long. As a general rule, you should keep to only one conjunction per sentence. Conjunctions are words like "and" and "but." Here you have two of them. You may want to consider revising, perhaps: Every time she thought of him, her chest tightened. She felt like crying out into the world, but calm reserve kept her from doing so.
There is a space missing between the last word of the first paragraph and the first word of the second paragraph so. It
Three three (no need to capitalize
Even even (no need to capitalize)
With the last sentence, again, you have two conjunctions:
It had been only Three weeks anyways, not Even enough for her to be feeling this way but she did and she loved it.
You have three complete thoughts here:
1. It had only been three weeks anyways, not even enough for her to be feeling this way.
2. She did.
3. She loved it.
To be gramatically correct, this sentence needs to be revised.
She smiled at the thought of one of there discusions and even blushed even though it was from a day when there thoughts were still pristene.
both "there"s here should be their (possession)
Also, you may want to consider taking out one of the two "even"s here since the repetition may stand out to the reader.
It would be the first of perhapse two or three that day
feeling refreshed and enerjetic,but sitll just as nervouse.What if he didnt like
There is a space missing between nervous and What nervous. What
she pushed the tought aside
she knew if she dressed to soon she would be a wreck
she She (First word of a sentence should be capitalized)
It was a beutiful dress,perfect, she hoped she would look like the timeless classic the dress made her feel like.
This is a run-on sentence. You may want to consider revising, perhaps: It was a beautiful dress, perfect. She hoped she would look like the timeless classic the dress made her feel.
She smiled as she thought about how its been so long since she'd wanted to dress up, had a reson,
I'm not sure "its" is the right word here. The rest of the story is in past tense, so I think "it had been" would work better.
It was becoming later so as she finished her breckfast of blackberries,strawberries,and whipped cream followed by a glass of orange juice she called, needing to hear his voice, needing to know he was still safe.
they made nervous idal chit chat
they They (needs to be capitalized)
He had a sensitive heart, as it too had been broken to much.
he had a kind soul,
he had a very,big, brain, and he made her feel smarter just alowing her to use her's.
No comma is needed after "very" and "big" He had a very big brain,
They had Long smart conversations
Long long (no need to capitalize
the future made her smile.
she was shoked at how easily
it was ok to do so.She smiled
space needed between sentences to do so. She smiled
She smiled once more and let him go, she didnt want to distract him while he was driving, he just had to be safe.
This is a run-on sentence. You have three statements connected with commas here:
1. She smiled once more and let him go.
2. She didn't want to distract him while he was driving.
3. He just had to be safe.
Commas don't connect independent statements like this in a gramatically correct sentence. You may want to revise, perhaps: She smiled once more and let him go. She didn't want to distract him while he was driving - he just had to be safe.
with one finaal thought to the soul traviling long miles to be reunited with hers she looked into the mirror and smiled, grabbed final articals to finish up plans and set out on her day.
I have to make a suggestion regarding the spacing of this. While there's nothing wrong with your spacing, very long paragraphs can be difficult to read on a computer, and it might turn away some of your potential readers. You may want to consider going back through this story and making your paragraphs a little shorter, to make it easier to read.
1.5 - While I think you've got a great idea of how this story will work, this needs a great deal of technical work. You've done very well in creating a suspenseful and emotional romance. With some attention to technical details, this story will be a great one!
If you do revise, I'd be happy to reread and re-rate this item.
Thank you for sharing your work! Keep on writing!