Outstanding! Awesome use of the prompt. And whatever made you think of no shoes - very clever and extrememly well done.
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Really nice. A good use of how things change and how they stay the same. And how easy it is to remember one's grandmother. Somehow, no matter what your age, those memories are deeply embedded.
I WAS expecting a chocolate chip cookie, but will let that go - Great piece!
Oh - too cute! And clever of you to reverse the lettering. I would love to know if Flo follows you around for this duty.
Good job!
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Very moving. I just read a piece on the "Wall" in DC for the dead of Vietnam. Amazing what a piece of stone can evict.
It's important to remember those who did not die, but came home with scars, both mental and physical. And the great bravery it takes to carry on for both them and their families.
Neat! Good and evil well laid out. I can almost see the angels and demons watching! And all those bumbling mortals.
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Definitely a lost soul there! The willingness to give up all to go into that darkness. No question about it - hopeless.
It's not as obvious in this poem as some of your others if this is Satan or someone needing to save a really bad drug addict with severe emotional problems. Or maybe two drug addicts....Not that it matters - good poem!
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This is lovely. Leave us always wondering if that was really her!
Occasionally, there are a few too many words - "As she sat there with legs crossed and all," I'd delete "and all." I know what you're trying to say, but it will beg the question - what is "and all?"
Consider shortening some sentences. For example: "From the murky glass window of the unemployment office where I work, it is not uncommon for me, Jenny Jenkins, to see a poor soul wandering the side walk which leads to the office door."
Give some thought to: does the reader need to know your name? Make it obvious you work there. For example: From the murky glass window of the unemployment office where I work, I regularly see poor souls..." Good job - love the unanswered question at th end!
Well done and heartfelt. The Wall is daunting - so hard to even stand there - it's like a live thing. The reality of war is very difficult and you must feel this most keenly, particularly with a grandson in the Army. This feeling comes through in spades.
You have a few comma nits, but the only inconsistency I found was "starting your own family" and now you have a grandson. Were you pregnant when Billy was killed? If so, suggest you say that....at the funeral, for example. (I'm assuming this is you. If not, the narrator)
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Interesting. I started out thinking someone has broken away from "the faith." Then I went with a charismatic religious leader arrogantly leading his/her own sheep. Lastly, I went with a "sheep" who can't enter heaven. I'm pretty sure this was not what you intended - my apologies.
I think it is well written, flows well. I'm just not sure who the narrator is...?!
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What wonderful imagery you have of the mansion and the mountains. They do soar as you say, and way up there! I was there in the winter, so, of course, I envisioned winter. With the Mercedes and the driveway, I'm seeing summer, but you might consider enhancing on that - a few cows at pasture, a milkmaid or two (just kidding) - something thatsays "summer."
The man himself - I don't know - something about the timing. He'll be back in the US on Monday? And this is what day? Assuming it is within the week, a rather fast turnaround for the distance involved. Might want to make it next month - snapping the phone off and greeting his wife/mistress/daughter. Just thoughts - good job!
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You are not by chance in the vicinity of Dutch Harbor, are you? Reminded me of there. Anyway, nice job with the setting, the rhythm of the town. Only because I think I've been somewhere similar, you might add smell. The fish, of course, the men, the cheap restaurant across the street, the smoke from...whatever.
The men - I have never seen such men - huge Asian/Black/I'm not sure what, but they were BIG fishermen. Of course, this setting may not have such.
This line: As the schools of salmon slow to a halt, so do the swarms of strangers from the outside world. Great analogy! But I wonder who the strangers are - the cannery workers and fisherman? Who stays? Or were you getting to that?
Quite well written - I like the short paragraphs, the visual technique you use. Just a couple of suggestions -
- his partner - you use this repeatedly and it took me a while to asssimilate "she," "his partner" and the "girl" to be the same person. Might want to pick one or perhaps give her a name.
- Very surprised by the observer being a woman, much less Jack's wife. Thought it might be a ghost Good job!
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I found this to be very well-written, although I found myself getting a bit defensive. Sort of "I don't hate you - I don't even know you!"
I do like how you turn it around at the end, that hate comes from within, it is fostered in various ways, but it is from within and we need to recognize it.
How funny! Great conversation, although you might want to update the Camero a bit I'd like a better picture of this house. Sixteen rooms is a big house...did it look like a hotel, with a veranda? Or an old Victorian? Were there rumors of a murdered wife/husband? Do the floorboards creak?
Also, I'd like a vision of what these kids are doing. In the living room? In a bedroom? Out on the porch?
Ah - birthmarks - what a positive view of them! I never thought of the genetic thing - could be. One of those things no one discusses and are hidden if at all possible.
I like getting Grandma Dot into the picture and a fiesty, 4'10" grandmother to boot!
Well, I get the point, but the inconsistencies are confusing. "I cry," then "I have no tears."
There must be a reason why 'you' can't show the pain and I wonder what that might be.
And the big question - pain from what? Broken heart? Cancer? Death in the family? Parapalegic? You might consider the source to get sympathy from the reader. Just a thought. Good start - i think you could do a lot with this!
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Quite convincing and easy to relate. All that emotion trapped, looking for a way out. Just to get some relief!
This line threw me: "Knowing this emotion yes is god sent from above." Somehow, "yes" doesn't seem to fit. Or maybe, "is, yes," ....I'm not sure. Also not sure God sent it and it didn't just conjure up inside on it's own, but I will leave that to you
Good job!
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