Good! Good attitude, good way of moving on. Might I suggest, using "To whom it may concern" once up top, then indenting the responses. It is repeated a bit much and loses it's intensity otherwise.
Good recognition of mistakes made and conviction they won't be repeated. I almost want to add "Thanks for the lessons," but guess that wouldn't fit.
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My most significant comment is your change of POV in such a short piece. I'd stay in the 3rd person and not move into Necia's mind. Her brother can observe her and perhaps relate the same.
A couple of nits: "each one buried in a whirlwind of thoughts," - I would like to know more about this whirlwind - premonitions? What's for dinner? Girlfriend?
"Finally, they sighted the vast, rocky terrain where the animals and their keepers had their haunt" I think you think the reader knows more than they do here. Personally, I can't visualized this much at all - shephards? Cattle? Sheep? Is this a rocky plain or mountains? Is it cold or hot?
The man picks them both up? This tells me they are much younger than I thought - might want to elaborate on their ages up front. And, Necia's legs? Will she walk again?
Well, that was straightforward! Truth is dangerous, OK. But then, so are lies. What a mess! You have no doubt considered, "truth" lies in the eyes of the beholder. What one sees as a pack of lies, to another is the only logical course of action. My opinion (and it is only that) is a recognition of truth being variation of gray, not black and white would enhance the meaning of your poem.
Good piece!
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Interesting. I understand the anticipated kiss and the satisfactory conclusion. I wonder at the fact there are no more borders....I mean, you know, other "stuff!" My thought is setting the stage for another challenge. After the first kiss....another?
Just a thought - good job!
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Good - you're right about being outside reality. What a very pleasant place. Written in 1985? Now that you know a bit more, have you considered an escape to reality? What things might be done to change reality to the other side of the fence?
Just a thought - good job!
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This is quite good! I think it could it could be enhanced. You start out with how bad it is, then how good it is. Suggest you revert to bad, "Without it,....a couple of stanzas. Or maybe just use "Without" instead of "It is..."
Yikes! I have the "crawlies" just reading this! How do you do anything? You have to THINK to shut the door? You really create the atmosphere here with them flying and crawling, then attacking your person. Off to get my can of Raid
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Neat! I heard the tree frogs in the Carribean and were they loud! But they only came out at night, of course, when you were trying to sleep.
Interesting, an El Nino would affect the frogs for such a period of time. Perhaps drought? Little polictical statement in there too! Well done.
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A good poem, but I think I missed the point. I sense some discrimination, but I dont' know wht it is. Race? Too smart? Banned from the popular crowd?
And why to the pool? What is there that provides a place for these kids? And why do they stick together? Just thoughts!
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like all you see
is a crumb, being surrounded by ants
I think it would be a lot better if the question were turned around. Some recognition that maybe he/she has no clue they are hurting you, just sort of going through life, oblivious. Can it be the narrator hurting themselves by thinking the other is hurting them? Just a thought - good job!
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This looks like a cute, funny story of adolescence. I'm thinking you were attempting italics as there are a number of odd symbols in there.
In the "faceplant" paragraph, all of a sudden time has changed. He has "grown up." There is a shift over the summer, but I can't grasp it. Is summer summer or are we 10 years later? Like he is looking back.
Rain? Might want to refer to rain up front if it is important. Not sure. Great concept!
Nice! Isn't it funny how we think of grandmothers at the worst time. Because the sometimes cured all the ills of the world and gave us unconditional comfort.
My only comment on this is you never mention it is your grandmother within the poem. It could be a husband or wife, a lover, a mother. It think you could insert it in a couple of places like, "Ill be wishing you, Grandma, were still alive."
Just a thought - good job!
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Well, you caught my eye. Our condo on Perido Key was swamped by Ivan's storm surge. What a mess. I can't even imagine living through it. Did you see Storm Stories on The Weather Channel last week? It could have been you - a family that stayed in Grand Lagoon.
ANYWAY - well written. Compelling. Always the feeling of what's coming next? If I were to change a thing, it would be to add some dialog. People yelling over the "train." Convincing someone to be elsewhere. A dog escaping, yelling for it to come back. Something like that. Great piece!
Sue
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Clever! And educational. I didn't know what the Storymaster was other than the be-all and end-all behind WDC. It is beyond me creating this site. I suppose it grew and grew, huh? Ideas and trying things out. Well, I'm glad it did, but can't imagine the time it takes from the Master Puppeteer!
I don't know what Convention Pirates are, but just sort of ignored them - must be necessary, huh?
Favorite lines:
And I will not take any crap from the rest.
For I do what I do for the love of it,
And laugh when people say it's all for profit.
Wow. That was a surprise. I wasn't sure where you were going, but it wasn't there - good job that!
Some thoughts:
When she went to take a "tour" of grandma's house, I thought you meant literally, which seemed a little bizarre, but then I realize she is just gazing. Might want to make that a bit clearer.
I got confused in a couple of spots when Mom came into the picture. Mom or grandma talking?
Marrying out of race. Probably brings in some tension, but I don't think you need it. This all happens, sadly, no matter what.
These two lines:
“What did you just say, Mom?” she said, jumping back.
“I said, do what your man said! I know what’s best and you’d be lost without me.”
I thought it was Mom in the 2nd line, but suddenly we are home in the trailer and the line is from Butch. Did I miss something?
Excellent story line!
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Wow. Not like the Christmas mouse at all! I got a hair confused when the killer slashed her remains, yet she was the one trying to save her son, but point made.
Would really like a couple more stanzas about the killer going wacko, the apparitions he say, the voices he heard. Oooo! But very good as it stands!
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That is really cute! I love Santa land on the bed with she logs on to WDC. Kind of a "what link have they created now?" ! And Terry and the mouse both tipsy - first I thought real mouse. Then computer mouse, then why not a computer mouse? Good job - very enjoyable!
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Interesting. I almost read into this a fear of the day to come and then of the night, which should be a retreat, but is not. Until exhaustion overwhelms.
Grandmother's pillow....I'm thinking it used to be her pillow. She's now gone, right? Or is this a child with nightmares gone to Grandma's room?
I think the fear thing could be explored more - nightmares? ghosts? Just thoughts! Good job!
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This is nice and I'm sure your grandmother really appreciates it!
Might want to reconsider a couple of spots that confused me:
"her grandma living next door." Her, who? There are 2 grandmas living next to each other?
"going down in the RV." I'm having a little trouble seeing grandma climb in an RV and driving herself anywhere. Not that it couldn't happen, mind you, but if she is so concerned to live to see you graduate, well, just doesn't seem the type.
Good job and lucky to still have your grandma!
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Nice poem and something everyone can empathize with - unrequited love. And, oh, by the way, what does she have that I don't? Always a good question!
This line:"because I'm incapable of being loved."
The rest of the writing seems mature, a realization this just isn't going to work, wondering why, but knowing the end is here. The "incapable of love" may be the feeling at the moment, but it just doesn't seem to fit with the maturity level of the rest.
My opinion only - good job!
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Thoroughly depressing until "chap your ass." That's funny! Sorry. Probably not meant that way. One of those culture things, I'm afraid. Maybe, "The game called life is not worthwhile..."
So, sorry to say, I feel no empathy for this person. They see nothing, they know no suffering that I can see, but LIFE is too much for them. I don't know what changes the "happy" or "the way things should be" had upon them, so I have no kinship. Nothing to connect to with sympathy. Not that it's not happening - I just don't connect - my apologies!
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That is just too cute! Kind of taking the car to the mechanic and it won't make "that" noise. 