Wow, this was indeed a very deep piece. It tells a story of a young man being approached and told that if he goes to war, good things will happen. He feels like he is worhtless, that this gun will give him the purpose he needs in his life. Yet, while he lays there dying, no one comes to comfort him. He is left to die in loneliness and pain.
I enjoyed the conversational style of this piece. The way you used the italics was a great idea to let the reader know who was speaking. It had a very nice rhythm to it, I can never really say what exaclty the rhythm is, I always did suck at band.
Thanks for sharing such a thought provoking piece.
I love autoum also! It's the best time of the year, for all the reasons you listed above! The cool air, a huge break the humidity and heat of summer time. It's a time to get outdoors more often without having to worry about sunstroke. The colors of the leaves and the fun I have playing in them, just hearing them crunch as I walk. The utter silence that you hear when you walk through the woods, it's just so magical. The eager faces that you see on Halloween when you open the door. Although now that almost everyone is older in my neighborhood, we don't get that as often. The sweetness of the air is so different from before. I loved the images, the plain emotion that you put in this piece. The reader get to know you just a little better. Great write!
This is a wonderful poem. It's incredibly dark, the reader can feel the hoplessness and anger that the author is trying to isntill in this piece. It tells of how a young person has fallen in love with someone who was using them. They had all their heart and soul into the relationship, yet the person they loved did not. They are trying to remain strong, but it is not working so well. The tears want to come, yet they are being held back by sure determination. Well done!
Emotional Impact:This is indeed, a dark poem. Its about the struggle a person face with their muse and what has been going on with their life. It really struck me as a fight, a fight with something that is almost unseen. The reader can feel the writer's frustration and horror at what is coming from their own pen, but unable to stop it.
Effectiveness of Form:The images were great, very well described. I cold feel the cold sweat pouring from my own body when you woke up from your nightmare. Then the way you described you horrible dream *shudder* no wonder you woke up screaming! I also enjoyed the rhyming, it really added something to the piece.
Punctuation and Grammar:I would consider using another word for dark at times. It gets to be a little less dramatic after reading it so many times. Other then that, it's great!
Closing Comments:Thank you for sharing and I'm glad I read this when it's daylight!
Hi aralls! After reading your wonderful story "Mitten Mayhem" , I offer these comments:
First Impressions:A fun story highlighting how teens thing image is everything. It tells of a young teen who thinks the kitten mittens her mother gives her are ridiculous and so 'accidentally' loses them. Her worse enemy/bully finds them and puts them on. Resulting in the mittens being the coolest thing ever.
What I Liked:The characterization was spot on. Teen girls think image is everything and that their mothers are out to embarrass them in front of everyone. I had a good laugh at the fact the mitttens became so popular. I bet if Natalie did end up wearing them, she would have been teased.
Suggestions:I would go into more depth in why Natalie and Lauryn were enemies. Maybe also think about describing the mittens a little better. Since they are such a huge part of the story.
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation:Nothing that really caught my attention.
Emotional Impact:Ahhhhh now this really brings me back to when I was much younger. (Although I'm really not all that old!) I loved playing in our backyard and the neighbors back yard and my grandparents back yard. There were so many trees to climb, a hill to go sledding down, or just plain roll down. Then there was the swing set and the sandbox. You brought me back to the time when i was outside more then inside, where my imagination could run wild and free, when the world was full of wonders to be explored. The train tracks at my grandpa's place provided endless amusement, I can't tell you how many pennies we got smooshed.
Effectiveness of Form:The reader was allowed to feel the joy of two sisters having a grand time exploring the world around them. The tree barks was real, and we could imagine two girls running around with their made up toys playing silly games. I liked the way you set it up, two lines coupled together.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I noticed.
Closing Comments:Thank you for bringing a smile to my face!
Emotional Impact:This captures the hard time I had during High School. Where I was the outcast, pushed aside and ignored. Yet, I wasn't going to let them push me down for the life of me. It brought the reader to think deeply about what an outcast goes through each day at school. Many don't realize how had it can be.
Effectiveness of Form:I liked how you made her school and home like a prison, her jail where she is constantly looked down upon. but she'll show them one day. I just enjoyed how everything was connected the emotion that was present in this piece. It's almost hard to describe how well everythign flows together. I think you captured the frustration that someone who is different feels while going through school.
Punctuation and Grammar:Nothing really stood out to me. I'm glad you put some punctuation in, it really mkaes the reader stop and think about what is being said.
Closing Comments:You have a great talent in this area my dear. I can't wait to read more!
Hello {suser:princess.lexi! I read "Caged Inside" and I offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:A very emotional poem that details the horror and helplessness that Anne Frank must have felt watching the world fall apart around her. You captured the emotional depths of a very hard subject. The reader can feel their heart pounding along with Anne's, feel the tears falling down theri cheeks as they watch their friends and neighbors march to their death.
Effectiveness of Form:I really enjoyed the caged bird as a meataphor for this poem. Usually, it's a tad bit cliche, but it really works for this piece. Mostly because Anne really was a caged bird. She couldn't fly away or she would be killed. I'm glad you used several stanzas, it really breaks the piece up and lets the reader catch their breath.
Punctuation and Grammar:It's very well done.
Closing Comments:I'm glad I'm you Angel Buddy. You have an amazing talent for pulling on the heartstrings of the readers. Keep on writing my dear!
Hello warriormom! I read "My Journey" and I offer you this review on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy:
Emotional Impact:It was a relaxing poem to read, telling everyone that life is a journey and we should enjoy it, no matter how hard it gets.
Effectiveness of Form:I could picture the walk perfectly. All the senses were used. I loved how you described the pine scent and the way the brook sounds as you pass it by. I liked how you said that even though you may reach a crossroads in your life, nobody or nothing is going to change the path you decided to take. So many others let peer pressure guide them.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I noticed.
Closing Comments:A very well done poem. Keep on Writing these wonderful pieces.
Hi 🌜 HuntersMoon! After reading your wonderful story "Trail Blazer" on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy, I offer these comments:
First Impressions:The title and summery were very deceptive, way to go! That's a great way to get a reader attention. I had a great laugh at this piece, and I just know that those 'friends' won't be friends much longer. A couple's first skiing trip, and the fun that ensues.
What I Liked:Although this was a short piece, the characters were giving a personality and the scenery was easily imaginable. Who hasn't seem pictures of a mountain, especially the Alps? I got a good picture of the woman falling down in a disgruntled pile of clothes and ski equipment, mad because this was NOT her idea of fun. They would both rather be curled up next to a warm fire. I also got the impression they were a slightly older couple, maybe in their later forties. The beginning set the pace and the time of the story and the ending was very nicely done. The impressions of her falling over as she made her way down. Priceless.
Suggestions:I would think about maybe giving the friends a name. It just made the reader wonder a bit. It also got a little annoying reading the word friend all the time. I was also wondering what the man and woman really looked like. We get a vague picture but nothing concrete. I know this was a short piece, so you could add that if you ever felt like going back to this.
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation:One little pet peeve of mine, and I know it's up to the author, is a lot of the ... in stories. Once in a while is fine, but too much and it just detracts from the story.
"...the welcome visage of the hotel in distance beckoning us to survive and enjoy the warmth of mulled wine and a roaring fire." I think you are missing a the in between in and distance.
All in all, a well done tale that will be sure to give anyone a laugh!
Hello 🌜 HuntersMoon! I read "Revenge" on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy and I offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:A very funny piece to read. We all wish we could get back at our exes for whatever they did to us. I loved how you set us up from the beginning. I was just grinning from ear to ear at the start of it! A fun and lighthearted read.
Effectiveness of Form:The reader can imagine this taking place in any bar around. For some reason, I imagnined the sleaziest bar you could think of. The rhyming just seemed to make this even funnier, although I'm not quite sure why that was. The descriptions were great, the reader is left to imagine the ugliest woman you can think of. I also though the person speaking (you, even though I know you don't look like this) as some weak pencil pusher. Now he has a hot girlfriend that puts his old one to shame. If that is for real or not, it's up to the reader to decide.
Punctuation and Grammar:Not that I noticed.
Closing Comments:what a great read! Thanks for sharing you wonderful talent!
Emotional Impact:This starts out sad yet gets happy toward the end. I am reminded that I can't let the past come and haunt me. I need to let it go and move on with my life. This provides a comforting hand to those that have been or still are in a situation like this.
Effectiveness of Form:I love the part about the stars being your comfort and how they encouraged you to let go. You gave them a personality, a comforting one at that. Almost like a mother, letting her child know that everything will be okay. I like how you also personified the things you wish you could change in your past as ghosts, since that is what they seem like.
Punctuation and Grammar:I like how this was laid out, nothing I would change.
Closing Comments:Another great poem from you. Keep on Writing.
First Impressions:I laughed all the way through this piece because it describes what it's like first stumbling upon this tie and how it draws you in. You just can't get away from it!
What I Liked:I loved how you described everything like you were eating the site. That was a nice touch and very refreshing change. It's always nice to find a different style of writing. I'm sure you described what everyone goes through when this first find this site. You start out, usually, by either reading others works or posting your own. Then you move on to reviewing or posting your own works. Then things just spiral out of control from there. You are hooked and find yourself checking the site several times a day! Then we think we can quite whenever we want, before we find ourselves hooked, missing the site if we can't log on after a day. What a fun piece to read. I enjoyed the ending too, a nice warning for those that would sign up. Maybe we should post this on the front page?
Suggestions:I really can't think of anything you could really add to the piece. It deserves to be short and sweet. Which is the reason it's in your desert folder!
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation:None that I noticed, it was very well written.
You truly have a talent for writing. Keep sharing your talent with this community! Write on!
Hello {suser:kattway92! I read "Song of the Day" and I offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:This was a sweet poem adn reminded me of what I'm missing not getting up early in the morning. it ALMOST makes me want to get up early to listen to the birds. Then i have to remember we don't have that many birds around us.
Effectiveness of Form:I could clearly picture someone sitting in their kitchen or on a porch, sipping a steaming cup of coffee with a small smile on their face and listening as a bird serenading them. It's a very tranquil scene. Too bad we can't all enjoy scenes like this, we are often too rushed in the mornings.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I noticed.
Closing Comments:Thanks for reminding me that morning's don't always have to be horrible.
Emotional Impact:A very well done piece. I can feel the sun coming down on me and warming me up. It brought to mind how a person lost within themselves is just crying out for someone to help them. Then a ray of hope appears, someone has understood them and brings with them, hope.
Effectiveness of Form:I great free verse poem. I thought you could have broken it up int a few stanzas instead of one long poem. That way we wouldn't have been bombarded with all the imagery at once. Speaking of imagery, wow! I loved all the description you added to this piece. There were colors everywhere. The reader was being highlighted by numerous warm colors. I loved the metaphor of the sun being hope for someone who seems like they are lost. Hope is often characterized as different things, but sun doesn't seem to be a popular one. Well don.
Punctuation and Grammar:I did notice one small spelling error:shinny. I think you men shiny.
I think you could add a bit more punctuation. But this is your poem, so its up to you!
Closing Comments:Thank you for such a nice piece. Keep on Writing.
Hi NickiD89! After reading your wonderful story "Broken Dreams" , I offer these comments:
First Impressions:A very emotional story about a young woman who thinks she found the perfect man for her. Yet that man comes with one horror, his mother. She steam rolls all over Brooke's dream wedding and Brooke just caves.
What I Liked:The characterization was spot on. I could almost hear the sneer in Julia's voice when she's talking to Brooke. Her fiancee is know better, he doesn't listen to her worries nor supports her over his mother. It's almost the classic tale of love between someone poor wedding someone rich. You developed the plot so well, I felt truly sorry for her. I wanted to reach over and give her a hug, to let her k now that she shouldn't give up, that she should stand up for herself. I enjoyed the part with the seagull, a great way to get a message across without having to state it. She should spread her wings and fly, not let herself be grounded by a bossy mother-in-law. But as the case is, she just lets go. I almost thought she was going to jump there for a moement, great suspense. I enjoyed the beginning, you really brought me into the story. I wanted to know more about her and why she was there. The ending was truly a masterpiece.
Suggestions:It would have bee nice to hear Greg's voice in this story. What is he like? Does he really love her or is he marrying her just to marry?
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation:I didn't spot any.
A very well done piece. It reminded me of the world coming to an end or maybe someone dying of an illness. The reader gets the desperation, I can almost see two people hanging on for dear life, afraid to let each other go. They know that when they let go, it will be forever.
What a fun poem to read. I could imagine myself being the person walking outside taking a walk. I know how cold it cn be during the fall and winter times. It sounded so beautiful the way you described it. I would think about adding some puncuation to this piece, but it is your baby.
First Impressions:A great informative essay on why you love Halloween and what it means to you.
What I Liked:You brought me back to my childhood, running around in different costumes and having a great time getting candy and other surprises. Being careful around the decorations just in case something might pop out at you. You stayed on subject thought this essay, clearly outlying all your points and explaining why you felt the way you did. It was well rounded, there were no points were I was thrown out of the essay because a point did not seem like it belonged. Your beginning closed up the essay, letting the reader know that it was the end and not leaving them hanging there.
Suggestions:You could have gone into a little more detail, but I'm sure this was a contest piece and had a word limit.
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation:All fine there!
Thanks for sharing such a wonderful piece! Write on.
Hello Sherry G! I read "APRIL" and I offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:What a springy piece? (Is that even a word? OH well) It made me want Spring to come even faster. You captured the innosence, the youthfulness, and the hope that spring brings. You reminded me of how much I love spring and brought back fond memories of being younger.
Effectiveness of Form:Your images were beautifully done. I could see the kids running around and laughing as they enjoyed the warmer weather. I could see the green things growing and smell the flowers blooming. I'm glad it was a free verse poem, somehow I don't think I would have gotten the same effect if you rhymed it.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I noticed.
Closing Comments:Thank you for reminding me Spring is around the corner! Write on.
Emotional Impact:What an emotional piece. You have a talent fro drawing the reader into your life and letting them experience what you have. They can feel you pain ebbing and hoe being renewed.
Effectiveness of Form:I loved the use of the senses in this poem. You touched on the sight of the clouds and the sun, the feel of the sun warming your skin after a drenching rain, how your clothes clung to your body. You talk about the emotions of grief giving into hope. The metaphor of the sun coming up after a rain to symbolize hope is not a new one, but a very well used one for this piece.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I noticed. I liked how you set it all up.
Closing Comments:Thank you for letting us into your life again!
Hello Pat! I read "Desert Land" and I offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:Wow, talk about thought provoking. I had to sit in front of my monitor for a few minutes to decipher what you were talking about. This truly brought me to the desert, feeling the desperation the character must have felt. You can feel the sun beating down upon you and feel the desperation for a drink.
Effectiveness of Form:The metaphore for the sun being what life throws at us is truly well done, we often feel like we are being drowned, or in this case, baked to death from all our responsibilities. Then the rain comes down to save us. The rain can be anything that we value, but it comes and makes our life more bearable. I'm glad you centered this, it somehow adds a little more to the poem. Your choice to make it free verse we well done and I applaud you on usuing such great imagery. Like I stated above, I could feel everything the main characters was.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I found.
Closing Comments:Thanks for writing that great, thought provoking poem!
Emotional Impact:What another fun little poem from you. I was laughing all the way tbrough it. I enjoyed the irony of making the birds parakeets and making it into a "Birds" look-a-like.
Effectiveness of Form:There was a definite rhythm within this piece. And I loved the rhyming you had going on. The paper cuts that you go from the birds was well done and added such a nice to touch to such a fun piece.
Hello Hunters Moon! I read "Runes" and I offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:What a fun piece to read! You captured your love of poetry very well with a nice humorous twist. I would have to say my favorite part would be when you used Shakespeare famous lines, I had to actually perform that stupid play as part of an English assignment. Guess what, I was one of the witches! So you brought back some fun memories. I thank you for that. You also took the time to mention various forms of poetry, which is educating the reader. They may actually look some of those forms up and find one they like!
Effectiveness of Form:I enjoyed the rhyme scheme, and the fact that you had so many stanzas. This let you go into different forms of poetry and let the reader know a little more about you.
Emotional Impact:A truly sad piece. You let the reader experience you pain at losoing someone that was dear to you. Like all that experience grief, you wish to go back and live those times again. To let the one that passed how much you loved them.
Effectiveness of Form:I like how you were very honest in this poem,how you even doubted your faith for a little bit. All who have lost someone close go through this time. You are showing the reader all the steps of grief in one poem. I enjoyed the color you used, it was a soothing color and yet blue is also the color of tears. It was like the poems was crying.
Punctuation and Grammar:It was all good, no errors were spotted.
Closing Comments:Thank you for sharing your grief with us. Write on!
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Great write!
First Impressions:
What I Liked:
Suggestions:
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation:
The rhyming just seemed to make this even funnier, although I'm not quite sure why that was. The descriptions were great, the reader is left to imagine the ugliest woman you can think of. I also though the person speaking (you, even though I know you don't look like this) as some weak pencil pusher. Now he has a hot girlfriend that puts his old one to shame. If that is for real or not, it's up to the reader to decide. 