Hello Sherri G! I read "REMEMBER WHEN" and I offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:A great poem outlining the days when things were so much simpler. When love and trust were feeling giving, knowing that nobody would abuse them. You painted this picture so well, made me wish I was born during those days. You reminded me of all those stories my dad likes to tell about having to walk to school uphill both ways.
Effectiveness of Form:I enjoyed the AABB rhyme scheme and the color you used. It brought to mind watching those old black and white movies that are on late at night. The visual picture you pointed was so clear, using your own memories you brought the reader back. It was well done. I particularly like the line talking about how your mother would stay by your side when you were ill until you were all better. That reminded me of when I was sick and my mom took care of me.
Punctuation and Grammar:I did notice one line that was missing a word: "Remember when ill, and mom stayed by your side" I think you meant when you were ill.
Closing Comments:Thanks for letting us take a peek into your life. Write On!
Hello Daizy! I read {item:} and I offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:OH what a fun poem to read. I was laughing all the way through it. I loved it. What a great way to talk about the daylight savings time. I always hated when we had to change those clocks forward!
Effectiveness of Form:You did a terrific job with the rhyme scheme. A,A and you did it without making it too obvious. I loved the part where you mentioned "Lucky Charms". I could see the people still running around, doing their normal tasks even without a clock. It shows that humans are creatures of habit, we don't always need a clock to govern us. I love how you did a metaphor about how time seems to run our lives, and without it we would life a live far more relaxed life. Too bad Father Time realized he needed a job.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I noticed.
Closing Comments:What a fun poem to read, thanks for sharing!
Hi Daizy! After reading your wonderful story I offer these comments:
First Impressions:What a sad story. I enjoyed how you had the two different point of views without making it confusing.
What I Liked:You did a good job of letting us get to know the main character without a word being said. I loved the little flashbacks that were provided, we got to watch her as she aged. You drew the reader in at the beginning by getting them interested in this old woman's life. The setting was clearly laid out, letting the reader know where this was taking place. You felt for the character even though you never did find out her name. I really enjoyed the part where her husband came to fetch her, since the reader could tell how much they had loved each other.
Suggestions:The description "fiery red hair" was a too overused. The reader knew she had read hair after the first few sentences. You could have described her a different way or even gave us a name without taking away from the piece.
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation:The sentences in the beginning were a little too short, almost choppy. You might consider linking them together.
The next moment , she was riding a galloping horse across a grassy meadow in a time before the Normans invaded Hibernia
Hello MistressofWords! I read "Her Lady's Sorrow" and I offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:A truly sorrowful piece. I could feel the pain and the anguish the main character must have felt in every line I read. It brought a tear to my eye.
Effectiveness of Form:A very well executed free verse poem. I could see this body laid out before me, ravaged by time and her harsh life. She was the one that had to bear all the burdens of her families shame. You poem almost reminded me of a martyr who is being reborn only to suffer and die again for a cause. She seems to bear it without complaint, but the woman who is looking down on her cries the tears her mistress could not.
Punctuation and Grammar:In the first line the word hollow is capitalized, I don't know if that was on purpose or not so I thought I would let you know.
Closing Comments:Thank you for sharing such a well crafted and thought provoking poem.
Hi Morgansims! After reading "Saved By The Ax" , I offer these comments:
First Impressions:What a well written and well constructed essay. I am awed at your courage to ear your soul to the world around you, to share your troubles so that others may know that they are not alone. You shared something with us that is deeply personal and I thank you for that.
What I Liked:The subject of your essay was very well focused. The reader could tell what you were talking about from teh beginning and you didn't drift into unnecessary details or off into different subjects that were not related to the original. You kept the reader engaged by giving specific details of your life and appealing to what they or someone they know may be going through. I related particularly well with your article since I have not been able to find a job after leaving college and am visually impaired. You ending was well executed, you related back to the beginning by using some of the same words you used before. This really helps the reader remember what they read and keeps the essay uniform. You touched on a topic that so many are being affected by today.
Suggestions:Some of the words at the beginning may lose a few readers, you may think of either explaining what your job was.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:Nothing really jumped out at me.
Thank you again for sharing such a great piece with us and Write On!
Hi Meeple! After reading your wonderful story I offer these comments:
First Impressions:A very short but oh so powerful piece. I think everyone should read this and think about what it's saying.,
What I Liked:What DON'T I like about this piece is more like it. You conveyed such a deep meaning in so few words. I loved it and I love the emotion that is packed into each line. You chose each word perfectly, which is important when each word needs to stand for something. Wow is all I can say.
Suggestions:None.
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation:None.
Your fourth review and what a great pleasure to find such a jewel. Thanks for sharing your talent.
Hello Nadene! I read your wonderful piece I offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:This reminded me of a dream, where you are floating around and seeing the world. It seemed to be nostalgic and yet you are learning something at the same time, something you didn't know before.
Effectiveness of Form:I liked how you rhymed the second and fourth line in every stanza, it lent an interesting rhythm. I liked the part about the woman in the lighthouse being your only guide. It was like you were comparing yourself to a ship, coming home after a long voyage and the lighthouse marking that you were almost home to your loved ones.
Punctuation and Grammar:t’s nice to meet you me I would consider doing something like you/me, just so it makes a little more sense.
Closing Comments:Thank you for sharing this piece, and instead of makring it as other, why not make it a piece of poetry?
Hello LRbluemoon! I read "Hollowness" and I offer you this review:
Emotional Impact:A dark yet true tale about the word today. It has become a fake place to live in lately. I guess we don't want to share our misery with others. It brought to my mind a bunch of dolls just putting on a play for the world, covering everything they feel up in a mask.
Effectiveness of Form:I enjoyed the ABAB rhyme scheme you used. The imagery of sight was well played throughout the piece. The reader can see the players, they might not agree with what you are saying, but at least you can feel the emptiness the writer does. You connected to the reader by using real life examples. I feel how alienated you are towards society and I have to admit, I sometimes do too. I like how you twisted the metaphor that the world is your stage, by making it seem like nobody knows how to really feel anymore. They put on a play for everyone around them and ignore what they might actually want to say or do to fit in.
Punctuation and Grammar:None that I noticed
Closing Comments:Thank you for not being afraid to tell the world how you really feel.
I had a good laugh at this piece. You really showed the reader the difference between men and women and their idea of romance. I do have a few suggestions: One would be to consider getting rid of the double spacing between each line. That's just one of my own little quirks. I like to read poetry single space. Another thing to think about is getting rid of some of the punctuation. It reads better if there are less pauses. Well done and thanks for the laugh.
I hope you are able to keep up all your goals. I know how hard it is to set them and then actually REACH them. Those are some great goals to achieve. I should set one to clean my desk too. I'm beginning to wonder what color it was again. Too much clutter. Good luck!
Emotional Impact:The poem makes the reader think of survival of the fittest. It reminded me of trying to fit in in High School and being leery of those higher up in the food chain them me. Pretty much everyone. If you are too emotional, you will be swallowed up and spit back out, the world is a tough place.
Effectiveness of Form:The use of sight was well used in the poem. You played on the readers fear of the dark. You did a great job using animals as a metaphor for human beings. How an animal has the most basic of emotions, which is what humans should strive to obtain. I liked the fact that you didn't do anything fancy with this piece with writing ML, it does a good job standing on its own.
Punctuation and Grammar:I didn't find any obvious signs of punctuation or Grammar errors.
Closing Comments:Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece with us!
What a lovely and refreshing poem. The reader could almost feel the rain falling on them, refreshing them from a long, hot summer. The lovely smells you described and the way you compared them to a mothers love was a well developed. I really enjoyed how you personified the rain, making it a being that brought forth life and a new beginning. Well done!
Hi Beck! After reading your wonderful story I offer these comments:
First Impressions:Another fun tale by you. This time it's about a travel agent who as the worst vacation imaginable. Anything that could go wrong did. The poor woman.
What I Liked:The characterization was spot on. The reader felt sorry for the poor woman and could relate to her every experience, especially if you have traveled. You did a good job of catching the readers attention in the beginning and making them wonder what was going to happen next. You did a good job of describing the motel and the plane she took. Also, the supporting characters, although not a huge part, did a good job of compounding her misery. The plot was well developed for such a short story.
Suggestions:There were a few comma errors throughout the piece. I would take a look through it again. Also, think about expanding on her misery a little on the ship. that way the reader can see her whole trip, nut just the plane ride there and the motel.
Hi Beck! After reading your wonderful story I offer these comments:
First Impressions:What a fun story to read. Snow creatures suddenly coming to life and attacking a town. What a great imaginative piece.
What I Liked:I enjoyed how the parents were so oblivious to the whole ordeal, how they thought the kids imagined it all. They save the day and all they get is put to bed. What a great twist at the end. You made it somewhat realistic, even though the plot line could never actually happen. I had a good laugh at how Emily came up with the answer. It seems so simple yet nobody thought of it besides kids. The beginning and ending where very well done. The reader got a good idea of what the town looked like and got a good laugh at how incompetent adults can be.
Suggestions:I would think about expanding this piece. Tell the reader how and why the snow creatures came to be. The reader is thrust into a situation without knowing the whys. Other then that, a wel done piece.
Hi Beck! After reading "Lost Ring of Keys" , I offer these comments:
First Impressions:A fun shot story about a young girl who is babysitting a baby that won't stop crying. The only thing that seems to pacify him is some lost car keys.
What I Liked:This piece got a laugh out of me. The frazzled main character trying to get the young one to stop crying! You did a good job grabbing the reader attention at the beginning and keeping it through the piece to the end. You tied up everything nice and neat and left the reader feeling satisfied. I really liked the ending and the teasing her friend gave the young woman about being annoyed not being able to find their lost car keys. The plot was cute and well explained for such a short piece. The reader got a fairly good idea of what the apartment looked like but not really any idea on what the characters looked line. Which is okay since this did have a word limit.
Suggestions:If you felt like going back and adding more to this piece I would add more description on what the apartment looked like and what all three characters looked like. That way the reader could connect more with them. I would also go into why the child loved those keys so much, what made them so special that he wouldn't stop crying until he got them.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:There were a few small errors. she laughed at the frazzled look on Ally’s face and the load of stuffed animals in her arm. I would say arms here,, it makes the reader think of how desperate Ally really is to stop Tyler from crying.
Nothing you can do, really about that – well, besides Orajel® and stuff.” I would get rid of the comma and the really, makes the sentence flow better.
Well done and thanks for sharing your humor and talent with us!
Hi iKyasama! After reading your wonderful story I offer these comments:
First Impressions:A somewhat confusing tale about a young woman who is considered a genius, yet has a horrible family life. She is constantly being ignored by her parents and her brother is in his own world, not caring that his sister is suffering.
What I Liked:The characters were very well done, I could almost feel the huge gaps that exits between all of them. They are all wrapped up in their own lives to pay attention to their children. This is a prime example of busy business parents having kids just because. They didn't want them, but they thought they needed them. It was a strong, emotional piece. I really enjoyed the way you set up the flashback, using a different color let the reader know that this was happening at another time. It also really showed the reader how uncaring her parents really were. The lyrics were a nice touch, and the helped set the mood of the story.
Suggestions:I thought they part where you started talking about her obsession with Paul seemed a little abrupt, it took me out of the flow of the story. I don't know if you could maybe mention it earlier or something but it seemed to come out of nowhere. I was also wondering what her mom did for work, it was mentioned several time but not exactly what. Just an idle curiousity. Well done with getting a lonely character a voice!
Ah Beckie, you always have such a great sense of humor. You developed some great characters, and it was a fun way to put the word seven multiple times in a piece. That had to be hard, and make it flow smothly too. I really enjoyed reading the last line, made me laugh. Well done and keep on writing!
A fun little poem about a tough subject. I have seen the detestation non native species can do to an environment and it's not pretty. i loved the last line "Bizarre, but theier spread needs "cutting off at the knees." Made me laugh. I'm glad you got inspired to write this little poem. Sure brightened my day!
A truly well done and inspirational poem. I love it when I can read something like this and learn along the way. I never knew that blacks were not allowed to become fighter pilots let alone what a great job they did. I enjoyed the fact that you added the statistics into the poem. It added another element to the piece and emphasized how much black pilots did for their country. I hate how they were treated after they came home, it had to have been a shock after doing so much to help their country. Well done!
Hi iKiyasama! After reading your wonderful story I offer these comments:
First Impressions:A bittersweet piece about a mother's love for her estranged son, or whom she thinks is estranged. You captured the elements of a common crisis in America, trying to raise a child on your own with little to know help.
What I Liked:The characters were strong and well built, which can be hard to do in a short story. You quickly grabbed the readers attention in the beginning of the piece and I felt a strong sense of sympathy for the mother. She is just trying to raise her son to the best of her abilities in a tough world. The ending was surprising, I didn't think that her son was going to talk to his father and tell him he was a fool for divorcing his mother. It was a very sweet touch and brought a tear to my eye. I loved her little tradition of making supper and a cake for her son, even if she thinks he doesnt' care. The relationship the two have is very realistic, the reader felt like they were a part of the family.
Suggestions: I can't really think of anything to make it better. A very well done piece.
Hi iKyasama! After reading "Jared's Decision" , I offer these comments:
First Impressions:A sad yet sweet piece about two brothers dealing with one being gay. The younger brother has a hard time believing that his 'perfect' older brother could be different in that way.
What I Liked: The beginning really catches the readers attention, making them wonder why Jakey won't let Jared in. The emotions are so raw in this piece, it drags the reader right in, making them feel what the main characters are feeling. I enjoyed the fact that you did the third person point of few, it let the reader see what both boys were doing. I loved the interaction between the brothers and how you made it so realistic. Especially the way you made him not want his brother to touch him, I imagine that often happens. They were very well developed characters with a great plot. The inner struggle to accept someone different in the family and not being able too.
Suggestions:I really don't have any suggestions on how to improve this piece. One of my favorite lines had to be: "(Second warning bell…for all his achievements, Jared is not exactly the neatest guy in the world)." It captures the raw emotion of the story.
A very well written story that outlines the tragedy that can happen to anyone that finds the wrong special someone. I liked the fact that even though Janet is homeless, she hasn't let that cool her determination. She has learned from her mistakes and hope to rise above them. I liked her character, you made her so strong yet so naive at the same time. That can be a very deadly mistake. It flowed very well, no abrupt departures from the norm. I like how you did the background, it felt like she was sitting across from me, telling the story. There is a small problem at the ned ot the story though, the italics didn't get taking off after she was done thinking. Well done and I enjoyed the read!
I loved the images that you used to describe everything. I could feel the grass tickling my feet as I read this. The use of the green color was really inspired. I thought the sentences where a little long, but that's just my opinion.
I had to laugh at the ending, i figured it had to be something like that. Actually, I thought it was dead bodies or something! I loved the characterization and how desperate she was for money, and how much she loved Bingo. It was the classic grandma story, except for the delivering of pot. I found it rather ironic on how gullible she was to fall for such an obvious trick, this teaches everyone a good lesson. If someone approaches you with a job offer that promises good money with little work, it's probably illegal. Well done and keep on writing!
A well done poem about how time endlessly marches on. I like how you told the reader that they need to live in the present instead of the past, you never know what you might miss. I liked how you described memory, how it is something imprinted upon our minds, like a pressed flower. Well done!
-Jewel of Arabia
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