This review is for "Gang's Monthly Review Board" [13+]! The following is strictly my opinion. My goal is to help in any way that I can through being honest and encouraging. Please take what you need from this and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!
This is going to be in a slightly different format than my usual approach to reviewing, so bear with me please. I wanted to include an edit copy of the work instead of doing a selective critique as I normally would. I made this decision because I believe it will benefit you more to have the entire piece actively edited for you to look at. Please do not be discouraged by this - my intentions are only to help you by offering forthright critique of your work and suggestions for improvement.
My additions and suggestions will be in red, either edited directly into the text or set apart by a PopNote. Anything you see that is crossed out without a PopNote addendum is something I feel should be removed from the piece entirely.
Eyes piercing
Tense discrepancy - should be 'pierced' if you want to say it this way |
out from the bushes into the clearing.
I would suggest a slight rewording of this part: '... Eyes pierced into the clearing from the bushes.' |
Those eyes followed every move the eldest
eldest compared to whom? This is slightly confusing - did you mean 'elderly'? |
woman went , following her. She stopped to pick out berries from a mullberry bush. Suddenly the invader decided to move in. Slowly, crouched very low to ground level, it moved. One paw after the other, it was well aware that at any slight sound the woman would realize she was being a target.
Suddenly the woman realized
since you just used 'realized' one sentence before, perhaps an alternative word here? |
something was wrong. None of the birds was singing their usual songs, nor were rabbits running around in the field. Quickly, she turned from the bush to the clearing, looking for why she felt what she felt. Nothing. Grass swayed by the wind. Meanwhile the predator stopped, waiting for her to return to picking berries, seeing the woman alerted on its presence.
A cry from a bald eagle flying overhead broke the silence. It was enough to scare the lady. She took off, running as fast as she could. Seeking to eat, the dark-colored dragon jumped, unfolding its large wide
you only need one of these modifiers here, choose the one you think fits best |
wings to catch a warm current to take it up into the air. It succeeded. The dragon's scales glistened in the sun. It watched the lady, finding speed and height to snatch her and take her into its liar to feast. This wasn't its first time in need of food risking death if it doesn't eat soon.
This sentence is very convoluted - it could possibly be removed completely and wouldn't have much of an effect on the story itself, or should be rewritten |
Then it swooped down, keeping the lady in sight the entire time.
Success,
This calls for separating with punctuation - even a '!' would be appropriate here. Then start the next sentence with 'It' |
it was able to snatch
I suggest using an alternative word here, instead of using 'snatch' again |
her and carry her into its lair. There, it made a quick jerk of her head, knocking the lady out. Then it watched her lay writhing and panting helplessly. She was wounded greatly and bleeding to death. Then she screamed
Can she scream if she was knocked out? |
, the last noise made before her final breath. Then stillness. Then the dragon ate her, tearing apart meat from bone and swallowing it. In the end of the meal, there was nothing left but bones left untouched.
This is slightly awkward, I think a simple rewording of the line can fix that: '... there was nothing left but untouched bones.' |
Slynokio was a two week old dragon, very new to life on earth. He was one of the last of dragonkind. There was a brood that hatched right after the last of all dragons was killed. He was one of the ten. Sly has never met or seen a human before. If he did, he wouldn't even have known it. Sly's dark black color gives him an unique advantage among tall grass and soil. The soil itself was pure black from nutrition .
Slynokio was tired from the kill. He went into the small room he made to sleep in . After settling down he fell fast asleep. In his dream he was all grown up. He saw spirits of old dragons coming down from the stars to stand beside him. Then they started to talk, one by one. Each one gave him a speech of their own. The speeches itselves was regarding to one subject. It was like his mother and father talking to him while he was inside his egg still, forming. Enjoying every minute of it, he listened, becoming somewhat aware now of it .
A scream rung down into Slynokio's lair. Hearing it, he tried to wake up unsuccessfully. He was at that stage of sleep where paralysis overtook him. Helpless, he heard the scream over and over again. After minutes passed, he became unaware of his surroundings and fell into a deep sleep. Then he stopped dreaming and became fully into an altered state of conscious.
The next day Slynokio woke up. He yawned, feeling happy. One thing that bugged him is remembering spirits coming down and giving speeches, and also the piercing scream that echoed in his sleep too. Slowly, he walked out of his home, stretching with each step. After feeling the relaxation of the muscles throughout every inch of his body, he relaxed
you used this word (in some form) twice in this sentence - an alternate word for one of them would be advisable |
. A young boy was skipping around in the meadow. Sly smiled.
Then the boy came up by Sly, unafraid. He stood tall with his shoulders back, as if he's always been with dragons. Curious, Sly turned and faced him. This was the first time he's ever met a prey so fearless in meeting
met/meeting - again repetition of words in the same sentence |
him face to face.
"Good morning. I see you are out of your lair," the boy said loudly, not in a shout.
Hello. What brings you near me? I am much larger than you,
Shouldn't this be offset from the surrounding text in some way? How is the dragon communicating with the boy? Verbally (use quotations)? Telepathically (use italics or underlining)? |
Sly was curious.
"You are a very newborn dragon. I've worked with your parents. I loved them," was the boy's reply.
You know what? I'm beginning to see you as a friend.
this strikes me as vastly inconsistent - this dragon just ATE an old woman because it was hungry... Would it really be so quick to befriend a human child? Also, how did this young boy work with a dragon's parents? |
"Friend or enemy, if you let me, I will teach you things dragons absolutely need to know."
Okay. When should your teaching began ?
"Right away tomorrow
contradictory - it's either 'right away' or 'tomorrow' but can't really be both |
. Meet me at this very spot. For Then, I'll tell you all that I know of dragons and their history as well as when humans became involved."
That sounds like a deal to me.
Sly watched as the boy left, wondering what will come. He had high hopes, being young and unexperienced . As he watched the boy leave, he became thirsty. Preparing for flight, he looked as the pond was seen at a distance.
confusing - unsure of what you intended this to say |
He leapt into the air and then flew to the lake. There he landed and enjoyed a refreshing drink, filling
you need a more appropriate verb here - such as 'slaking' or 'quenching' or 'satisfying' |
his thirst.
A flash in the sky alarmed and alerted Sly. He immediately looked up. Out of nowhere, a yellow dragon flew
flew by? flew past? this is incomplete |
, heading towards the mountains. He immediately fell in love with that dragon
This is not very believable |
. Thinking of nothing other than the dragon he saw flying overhead and disappearing into the mountains, he went back into his own lair to prepare for tomorrow.
First, he made the floor muddy all around. Then he moved the mud, forming stumps and decorations. Then, just as he did with the roof, he crystallized the mud so it would not fall apart. Pleased at how the cave looked, he decided to go outside for a flight.
Outside his lair the yellow dragon he saw earlier was observing the area. She was completely oblivious to the fact there was a black dragon watching her. He watched, recognizing the fact the other dragon was absolutely beautiful and charming
I do not feel that he would necessarily know this, having not spoken to the other dragon yet |
. Then she turned around and saw him. Not knowing what he was himself even after talking with a boy
This is very confusing - he knows he is a dragon, what is this supposed to be implying? |
, he started to back away from her.
Hello she said,
Again in this section, the issue of dialogue needing to be separated somehow |
moving closer.
Who are you? Sly was still scared of her.
I am apparently the one you admire.
Well, you make me feel all warm and strange inside.
Invite me into your lair. I would love to see more of what your personality is.
Chills going down through his spine, Sly was excited. He never had a friend before. He showed her the way into his lair. Then he took her to the main room, the place with the most decorations in it as well as stumps. She made a low,sounding squeal of pleasure. Then she turned and faced him.
Can I stay with you in your dwelling?
As long as you want to. Yes you can stay with me.
I will sleep out here tonight. Now, let's find a meal to eat together.
Sly became a little clumsy in his steps. He was hungry from a day of not eating anything and talking to first a human, then another dragon. He followed her out. Then he realized his hunting skills wasn't good at all. He would have to learn from her, and the boy who promised to teach about the history of dragons and when humans came around. First the girl dragon fell asleep. He watched as she breathed deeply in and out. After awhile then he fell asleep too, dreaming of having exciting adventures.
I say again, please do not be discouraged by this! I want to help, and this is the only way that we can improve as writers. Sometimes it can be tough to see a lot of red on the page, but we learn from it and we move past it to become more seasoned writers who are intimately familiar with our strengths and weaknesses. You have a great creative mind, that much is clear, and a good grasp of the use of imagery in fantasy fiction. I hope I have able to help here with the more technical side of it. Remember, no matter what you should NEVER give up! Write on!
Keep putting pen-to-paper,
L.C. The Dark Huntress
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
|