This is really cute. It shows how lonely it can be for even a tree. Great read. I really liked this and it reminds me of a poem I wrote. You may want to visit my port, click on Natures Friendship. It reads so very close to this, you may enjoy.
This is a strong write. It's sad, because, in reality, years ago, woman were treated so badly for being gay. It's not much better today, but it has its plusses.
I can relate to this poem. From one who has lost both, a lover and a mother. This was a great read. I found a few errors and I put them below, so this emotional poem would flow.
Dawn
Sometimes i(I) still cry at night
Even thought i(I) know (I)i shouldnt
Sometimes i(I) still cry at night
Hi, just finished reading this. It has a great story line, will make great reading when it's done. I did find a few errors that made me stop reading.
The suggestions are below.
Dawn
of the darker (I would remove dull here. You have it before, then in the next paragraph. It is reduntent. Would read fine without it.)dull gray sky.
tobacco. And alcohol And young women. (this sentence needs woirk. During the war, the solders refered to liqure as "Drink" and women as wenches.)
One might find it odd that we were a company entrenched in an outpost on seemingly hostile ground( this next line does not flow with this...Revise) and rather couldn’t tell if our great country was still at war with the Germans.
orders: Stay at the outpost until further orders. ("notice" you have orders in the same sentence and in the next paragraph.
abandoned by its residents, who were now the (?, Almighty, this does not sound good) Almighty only knows where.
Loosely translated, (in german as a s***hole)that’s German for “s***hole.”
("its hullking... That would read better. You use barn allot and need to find other meanings)barn’s hulking swing-doors,
This is very well writen. How this relates to all writers who suffers from writers block or extreme exhustion, but the mind keeps the story going for another day. You accomplished a wonderful peice in only a few lines. The imagery is perfect.
This is a cute story. It does not lack imagination, nor, does it lack the force to be a great story. A little clean up would make this fantastic. I put a few sugggestion below. Simple words missing and a few typos, one sentence did not flow.
Dawn
Besides, what worse (thing that) could happen? He tormented the chair once again
a totally unique machine hummed as inner motors whirred( did you mean? Whirled)
Snarling, he opened the window and flew out into the cursed never ceasing neon glow. (this sentence does not flow. Had to read it three times to understand)
This is really a wonderful poem, it makes me think back to my youth and my mother hurt and upset with me over something I did.
Here are some suggestions for clean up. this wil make it read better...
Dawn
I'm nothing but (a = remove this) f*** up,
can't they tell?
Another sleepless night passes by,
another night I see myself (a = remove) change.
Wondering if things will be okay this time,
if things will be back (the) same.
This is again a very sad tale, and one that many can relate to, so good story, needs a little work, so bear with me.
The messages are coming far apart now; (the time in between) in the time between my heart endures a dull ache.
I feel a heavy weight impress upon me(,) the truth that is slow to dawn: (does she still or does she not care?) she still does not care.
All this time I thought I (had)have learned the trick not to end up waiting, anticipating. I thought I (had)have learned not to fall in the pit of assumption, of even giving it a thought.
This is very well written and I can offer no opinion on changes. It read well. On the emotional side, I like this very much. You refer to him in such a grand manor. His confussion, his pain, but his contenment while he waits for the end to near.
This is a great poem, says so much of the hurt and distance put bewteen a couple. Sad in a sence, but have a kinship with this, I have felt this way in the past. Great read...
Now for ideas to fix...
One cap your I in - lulled as I am
two. You are refering to her as a third person than change it to her. fix that as her instead of you..
-my heart sounded your name
That is so cute. i love the way you incororated life as is and the things that a person says and feels. I wanted to send my mom away a few times. Sop i can relate.
Yhis is a great read. at first I thought it was made for the 1800's then as I read on it became appearent it was within this centry, that was not predicted and that is whgat makes a great story.
Great start, are you writing more?
Now being new to WDC when posting, there is an option to make the format the same as your word doc. Click that, it will keep the phargraphs the way they are supposed to be and not jumbled up together. this was one of the things I learned here. There are also other great tools such as utilizing the contests and learning the bitem format. You will have a lot of fun with that. Keep writing, when you work on this more I want to see the changes.
This is a great poem, I left a few suggestions at the bottom. A little tightening of the stanza's and punctuation and this will be wonderful. Not that it is not already, but there will be no distraction
Tighten this one up a bit
Even you Bautista, Abad, and Garcia Villa
do not to me sound any more familiar
although I have walked among mango trees
where probably at the foot of one
(T)they tell me your line breaks are mastery of craft
of enjambment
when they seem to me nothing but arbitrary.
(human whim)
they tell me your words
life imitates
and the life your words imitate
live for all time.
This is great. What is important to others as adults does not and will never be as important to a child. Children always remember that one moment, may it be an injury to the fless or the heart. It is still just as impacting. Great read
This is very sad poem to read. It takes me back to a time of imperfection, and that is when I was a child. I feel we learn from this and take it into adulthood so when we have children, we brake that cycle. Parents that are old school did not know better, they are that way becayse there was no other way they knew. In todays times, we are better educated and also aware that the cycle of pain has to come to an end. This hits that point well, it says that the person/narator knows this pain, and knows what caused it and how not to be. Kudos to this.
It is a long poem, longer than what I would have written, but there is a lot to be said from that.
Keep writing
Dawn
This is very cute. I heard my own words echoeing in my head as I have told my kids time and time again to focus. This poem brought a smile. This one with only a few have done that. Great write and keep writing
Dawn
This was cute. I liked this very much. Only thing was a few of the words that distracted me from reading. such as disquiet. Words such as that that made me stop and reread. Other than that. Great job here. Love the story, sad sad ending. But comical at the same. well done.
This is really sweet. You have a great friend. The rhyme on here stays good until the very last stanza. It hurts this peice. i know its the way you feel, but if you clean this up and stay consitant, this will be amazing.
This is such a great read, as I sent in the e-mail this reminds me of each night. I sour, alone, no children to teach, no one to answer for other than me. i write, I let my imagination flow. I write truths but fiction more. I loved this again
Thank you,
Great read
Dawn
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