Hi, Ken,
My name is Bob, and nice work on The Big Bang piece. Right before it ended, I saw the ending coming and wasn't disappointed. Well, that isn't completely true. You pretzeled up that last sentence as if it got caught in the tail rotors of your chopper. But otherwise the writing is as good as story itself. Well, that's not entirely accurate, either. There are a few other little things that make this review worthwhile, I think. Did I tell you, first, how much I really liked this? I really do.
Okay, so what's my beefs?
"According to my calculations, we'll be there in ..." Alex paused. In the blackness, he couldn't see the chronograph. "... soon," he finished lamely.
"According to my calculations, we'll be there in ...." Alex paused. In the blackness, he couldn't see the chronograph. "Soon," he finished lamely.
Too many elipses get tedious really fast. I like the first usage, but since Alex definitively paused, then we need a period at the end of the elipsis. To add another elipsis before "Soon" is dramatic overkill, I think. It works fine without the added emphasis. Short works like this should "look" good as well as read well.
His theories on time and space had led to this moment. He had found a way to use the energy of tachyons to not just move almost instantaneously across any distance but to short circuit time itself. It was possible to go anywhere and anywhen ... and Alex had proved it.
The word, "when" should be italicized in the word, "anywhen". The reason is because anywhen is a made-up word that doesn't exist, but is obviously a play on anywhere. Italicization alerts the reader to the fact that you, the author, know what you're doing and haven't just messed with language ludicrously.
Secondly, try not to use elipses in both the narrative and dialogue both. They work great in dialogue, but when they start appearing all over the page, things get problematic. A period works fine after anywhen. New sentence: Alex had proved it.
Harlan Ellison, he recalled, an early twentieth century science fiction writer, once said, "The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity." I stand here, Alex further surmised, and proclaim him the world's greatest prophet!
I like the quote above, but see how I changed it? Now it's really good! Writer, not write, with comma. Comma after "said" and the only part in italics is the actual quote itself. Not that my version of this is perfect, but it's better than the awkward construction of your original.
"Rebekkah, have you ever heard of 'Murphy'?" In this line, the quote marks before and after Murphy are unnecessary. Instead, put Murphy in italics.
There's still other little nit-picky grammatical stuff further on, but I wanted to jump right to the end, because you probably don't like me messing with your stuff any more than I have.
Alex's last thought, as he, Rebekkah, and everything that existed – but shouldn't - disintegrated into primeval atoms was, we're here, Rebekkah – and we always will be ...
As he, Rebekkah, and everything that existed – but shouldn't – disintegrated into primeval atoms, Alex's last thought was, We're here, Rebekkah! And we always will be ...
Again, I would experiment with a few of the other possibilities as to how this might be stated, but notice the most important rearrangement I made in structure. Makes all the difference, and see how much smoother (and sensible) the line reads. I would also consider Alex's comments to be said aloud, rather than a thoughts. But either way is fine.
Well, this is enough damage for one night. I hope you can see some of the madness to my methods. I noticed that your forte is poetry and that prose is something you want to do more of. If this is true, then you could do a lot worse than follow my suggested changes.
That said, let me know if you have any questions; I'd be happy to explain myself. Especially in exchange for instructions, via email, on how to fly a helicopter
Bob
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