Oh, how funny. Sometimes the most mundane things can take on a life of their own. You have allowed us to see a rather everyday, uh, everynight occurance in a new "light."
*light* The only reason I didn't give this a five is because of some run-on sentences and a couple of rough places. One section that could be smoothed out is I came across the door. Maybe "I found the door"?
Ah, the wonderful, masterful poetry and imagery of Harry G. is presented in something other than a storeom. This is a very realistic portrayal of a June storm, painted with the broad stokes of your word craft.
Thank you for sharing your marvelous talent. I will highlight this in the next poetry newsletter.
Oh, my, I really, really like this story. Yes, there are some technical problems with a few sentences and punctuation, whatever, but, oh, the story. . . I love the story.
Your characters are good. The plot contains a lesson that isn't cramped down the reader's throat.
TWAU definitely wants this story, if you are willing to revise as our editors suggest.
The explanation before the story takes away much of the power of the story.
Hello. I hope you are finding your way around Writing.Com and feel welcomed.
Ah, you so well put fibro effects into words. I live with this every day, too. The fibro fog, the pain, the sleeplessness bring no rest for the one who suffers.
You might consider expanding this by lenghtening each line. For eample, frustration might become frustation with a brain no longer sharp. That's just an idea.
Ah, Shaara, may we use this in TWAU? It's delightful and funny and, oh, so true. I like the wording and the illustrations. You do such great work in all areas.
I found a few problems with punctuation (seems that's my mantra).
My grandma used to say,
A lady’s always polite.
and My grandma used to say,
So many things just like that.
A comma isn't needed after say in either of the two sets of lines.
It reminds me of the "Swan Ballet", needs the comma inside the quotation marks.
It's better to spell ok as okay in formal type writing.
Oh, the story took me along the lovely romantic, happy-ever-after story, then the ending took my breath away, and caused my heart to ache. Whew! Wonderful story.
The only problem I found was some mistakes in punctuation. There were places where periods were needed and places where commas were misused.
For example: “I understand, honey,” she’d say, “We have the kids to think about. A period is needed after "say."
Oh, I enjoyed this poem so very much. I can just see my grandsons chuckling over it. Would you be interested in allowing The World Around Us{/}, an ezine for children, to consider it for publication? If so, please let me know so I can do the first complete edit.
I just love your imagery:
A world of wonder
Where lintpickers play
And crumb crunchers crouch
and grumble all day
This would be much easier to understand, especially for children, if needed punctuation were used.
It's means it is while its means belonging to it.
Please let me know as soon as possible about us considering this for TWAU, which by the way isn't a part of W.Com, although we work through a group here.
Your poem has some visual, poetic imagery. The words and phrases bring pictures to mind.
Some proofreading would really help. Toungue should be tongue. If you would read this poem aloud, or have someone read it to you, you might hear the confusion a reader would find. Maybe some needed punctuation would help the reader know where one thought ends and another begins.
I did like the 'feel' of some of the wording: Spoken in syllables
Yet to be heard
Scattered in thoughts
That remain unspoken
Viv
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Ah, Intuey, this poem is short but so sweet. I like the imagery of the mirror and the child talking.
There and hear really do not rhyme, at least not in American English. There is pronounced more like hair, while hear is pronounced like he-ear. Air and ear don't rhyme.
You had the child's words in regular type and the mirror's in italics until the last stanza. Then both lines are in italics.
Hi. I hope you have been welcomed to Writing.Com. Please before you become too upset with the rate I gave your poem, read my suggestions and reasons.
Your poem has a message that needs to be read. I'm very glad you have tried to present this in poetry.
But you have hidden that message behind your attempt to create rhymes. As a result, you have included thoughts that don't 'fit.' At times the wording is awkward and unclear. You might take another look at the rhyme, too. Lines three and four don't rhyme. Neither do line fifteen and sixteen (out and without are not rhymes).
Maybe try writing a poem with imagery and meaning without worrying about a rhyme scheme. Then, if you really want rhyme, look at the poem and figure out a scheme that will not ruin the poetic imagery and flow.
A writer does not need to underline the title of a piece at the top of the writing. Also, a period isn't needed.
A while should be awhile. Good looking guy should be good-looking guy.
Needed punctuation, used correctly, might help keep thoughts from running together.
Please try to revise this and then notify me when you have. I would like to read and review again, and adjust the rate.
Viv
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This poem flows smoothly with an unobstrusive rhyme scheme. I especially like the lines If all that’s left to me is dreams
Between the flow of tears and trouble,.
This poem has several layers of meaning. Each time I've read it, I found another level. I like that.
Viv
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This poem is filled with lovely poetic language. As I searched for examples of personal and impersonal poetry, I found this example of impersonal and would like to highlight it in next week's Poetry Newsletter.
The use of needed punctuation would keep ideas from running together and allow easier understanding. For example, the first three lines need commas at the end of each, and a period is needed at the end of the fourth line. Line six needs a comma at the end, and a period at the end of the last line.
Viv
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Ah, this would work so well in TWAU. I enjoyed the hints, the riddle. You use words and descriptions well.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I would suggest a few minor changes to make the grammar a bit polished. For example in the lines, With Spring on the way
My heart full of joy. a verb is needed to make it a sentence. Maybe write "My heart's full of joy."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A comma is needed at the end of line 7. In the second stanza, a comma is needed after "flock."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
If you'd like a complete punctuation edit, I know where you can get one, cheap.
Wow! This idea of yours is another one to help the writing community. The words, *red*
Don't be shy... request a review of your Static Item!
The Review Request Page is for serious feedback!,
sums up the whole idea.
5 s for the idea and the understandable, easy-to-follow presentation.
Welcome to Writing.Com. Hopefully, you have found a second home.
Your words create not only the surface portrait of the sun melting the snow, but the deeper portrayal of betrayal. You have some interesting and imaginative poetic phrases and language.
I found a few grammatical problems with punctuation and its'/its. It's means it is while its means belonging to it. I don't know of an its'.
How true the following lines are It hides its harsh brutality,
masquerading as a cooling wind.
Viv
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Welcome to Writing.Com. Hopefully you have found a second home here.
This poem is filled with sensory detail. It appeals to the hearing and sight.
The one problem I see is the run-on sentence in the first stanza. A semi-colon or a period at the end of the second line would fix the problem. Of course if you used a period, you would need to capitalize the first word of the next line.
Delightful poetry.
Viv
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Welcome to Writing.Com, Dan. I hope you are enjoying being here as much as I enjoyed this story.
I read this twice because the first time I just enjoyed it and laughed. The second time, I found a couple of problems, but nothing major. You are a good writer. You make the reader feel as if watching what is happening.
This sentence could use a bit of revamping. I am sure that love and fulfillment of my very being played a small role also. Are you saying that God loved and fulfilled you? Or, are you saying that God not only gave you a wife to teach you patience but also to give you love and fulfillment?
Starting a sentence with a conjunction (and, but, or, nor) isn't the most professional way (except in dialogue or occasionally for effect). But, when you do start a sentence with one, please place a comma after it.
Please keep sharing your work with us.
Viv
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What an enjoyable story with an interesting twist. The plot was developed well, as were the characters. I think the heroine(?) either was more gullible than I, or she had more stamina than I would have.
I found a few mechanical problems, but not many.
One suggestion that might help strengthen your writing more would be to avoid a vague it (except in dialogue). When the pronoun doesn't refer to some singular noun or indefinite pronoun appearing closely appearing before, then it is vague.
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Oh, how funny. Sometimes the most mundane things can take on a life of their own. You have allowed us to see a rather everyday, uh, everynight occurance in a new "light."
Perhaps if you wrote this in first person (I, me, my) rather than second person (you, your), the writing would be stronger.
Thank you for sharing your marvelous talent. I will highlight this in the next poetry newsletter.
Oh, the story took me along the lovely romantic, happy-ever-after story, then the ending took my breath away, and caused my heart to ache. Whew! Wonderful story.
Please let me know as soon as possible about us considering this for TWAU, which by the way isn't a part of W.Com, although we work through a group here.
~ ~ ~ 
I found a few grammatical problems with punctuation and its'/its. It's means it is while its means belonging to it. I don't know of an its'.
I read this twice because the first time I just enjoyed it and laughed. The second time, I found a couple of problems, but nothing major. You are a good writer. You make the reader feel as if watching what is happening.