Another wonderful storeom, Harry. You pack so much good story telling into your verse, and I always enjoy reading them. I like the story and the morals included in this one about the impact one ole Salty made on those around him which lasted through the years.
The only thing that troubled me was the verb tenses in the first poem switching from present to past.
Bill, I've read close to everything you have posted here. I enjoy your story-telling ability tremendously. Your imagination usually brings your stories to life for the reader.
The concept for this story is a solid one. It could be developed into one of your best. Yes, there is a 'but.' You use the past perfect tense (had tried; had happened, etc.) way too much. That gives the effect of 'telling' us what happened rather than 'showing' us.
I would have liked to see more dialogue rather than being told what was said or discussed.
I hope you polish and develop this story more. If you do, please let me know.
I hope you are enjoying being a part of the Writing.Com community.
Your words bring a sense of peace for the reader, too. I like your imagery and message.
I happen to prefer the use of needed punctuation in poetry so that the reader understand just what the writer means. Without the punctuation, thoughts and ideas run together.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you have found a home here for your writing. Thank you for sharing it with us.
You have some excellent imagery.
Crying undeard amongst a thousand screaming others, for example, creates a vivid metal picture, as does
Where hope is but a shadow,
flickering helplessly upon an empty wall.
The main problem I see is punctuation that needs some adjustment.
What an adorable children's poem. I really do like it.
Oh, by the way, been in American English is supposed to be pronounced 'ben' not 'bean.'
A few places might need some punctuation adjustments. For example the lines While marshmallows tempted
Our tummy-tums good! as written uses the word "good" incorrectly. But if it were written "...Our tummy-tums -- good!" it would be used as an interjection and correctly.
The beauty of nature is well presented with the words of this poem. I enjoyed the descriptive paintings of each stanza. Each example is vividly presented.
The 'd in place of ed bothered me. It wasn't needed to omit a syllable, so I'm not sure of the purpose.
The imagery of love being like a knot (a great analogy, by the way) presents a vivid picture. I really like the concept.
*snow* The poem seems to be a list of things about a tight knot, but the ideas don't seem to be "tied" together. I would like to see more than a list, but see transissions that make the poem complete.
This poem is tantalizing without being erotica. The sensations tease the senses, leaving a poetic image in the mind.
The only suggestion I can make, which is about the presentation of the title, is that you don't need to underline your own title at the top of your work.
As I traveled the site looking for poetry to illustrate poetic devices, I found yours. This poems illustrates oxymoron so well I would like to use it in my next Poetry Newsletter.
The only think I would like to see changed is for you to use needed punctuation so that the thoughts don't run together, muddling the meaning of your words. Yes, I realize that many people don't think punctuation is needed in poetry, and if the poet isn't trying to communicate with the reader, that's true.
Ah, I'm not sure why you rated this 18+. This poem is touching without any crudity or adult language.
The imagery in this poem is so concise and precise. Each word seems selected exactly for its place and usage, bringing together a striking portrait.
I know many people don't use punctuation in poetry for whatever reason. However, I like needed punctuation to help the reader better understand what the poet means. Your meaning isn't too hard to uncover, not nearly as difficult as some.
The last two lines are the most poignant: If we do not meet again in this life . . .
Let me feel the lack.
Hi, hope you're enjoying being a part of W.Com. I'm enjoying your poetry.
Oh, I really like this poem. It's so enjoyably slightly scarey from a young child's point of view.
Would you allow us to consider it for the eZine The World Around Us? The eZine isn't a part of W.Com, but the staff are members here. If you allow us to consider this poem, it would go through copyeditors, and you might have to make a few minor revisions (for example, I see a few punctuation problems). Please let me know.
This was so funny. I really enjoyed reading it. I haven't laughed so much in some time.
There are a few places where the puctuation is off. Even when writing in dialect, you need the punctuation to been correct. One example is when writing that something or someone's name is whatever, you don't separate the name by commas.
Bill, you have such good ideas and concepts for stories. I always enjoy reading what you write.
This story is one with a real Christmas message, a season of love and forgiveness.
I would like to see you stretch in your writing. For example, the vague "it," which doesn't refer to any specific previous noun or indefinent pronoun (such as everyone, much, many, etc.), weakens a story.
Next step in stretching, use parallelism. For example in the following, Angie covered him up again, bending down to kiss his forehead then crawling in bed next to him to cuddle, you can make it parallel by rewriting it like "Angie covered him again, bent to kiss his forehead, and crawled in bed next to him to cuddle." Now you have three verbs rather than one verb and two participles (ing form of verb used as adjective).
In some areas you 'show' us what is happening, as if we are observers, but in others, you 'tell' us. Occasionally 'telling' short amounts of info is acceptable, but not long passages.
"Laid" is the past form of the verb lay (meaning to place), which takes a direct object. Roger laid the book on the table. *red*The boy laid his head on the pillow. But for the past form of the verb lie (meaning to recline), you need to use 'lay.' "She laid down beside Jesse unable to sleep" should be "She lay down beside Jesse..."
I found a few other punctuation or grammar problems.
This story is a great work. I would like to see you polish it to be what it can be.
This piece is very cute and child-like. I enjoyed reading it, and young children would enjoy hearing it.
I'm not sure what form of poetry this would be called, but I would have liked to see it more in poetry form, maybe in couplets.
This would be even better if you could have someone give it a thorough grammar/punctuation edit. Take for example the following: Lots of pretty letters, she carried everywhere. Spelling out things, that she saw here and there. Commas are not needed after 'letters' or after 'things.' Also "Spelling out things that she saw here and there" is a sentence fragment. You can repair the problems by revising to something like "Lots of pretty letters she carried everywhere, spelling out things that she saw here and there."
Thank you for sharing this adorable story with us.
Hi, I'm glad to see you here on Writing.Com. Welcome.
Your poem touches the reader with tendrils of sensory detail. The imagery is like the words, a ray of light. You use poetic devices such as metaphore alliterations, which strenghtens your writing.
You need to use { and } around center at the beginning of your first line.
You have used words to create a vivid mental picture of a cold wind that is not only a force of nature, but also one that is a force of emotion and spirit.
I would like to use this as one of my picks for the Poetry Newsletter since I'm highlighting poetry where the poet uses words as her tools for creating mental paintings.
Viv
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The imagery in this prose selection is nearly poetry in wording, if not in form. The description, the detail is like a painting in words.
The concept for this story is a solid one. It could be developed into one of your best. Yes, there is a 'but.' You use the past perfect tense (had tried; had happened, etc.) way too much. That gives the effect of 'telling' us what happened rather than 'showing' us.
The beauty of nature is well presented with the words of this poem. I enjoyed the descriptive paintings of each stanza. Each example is vividly presented.
The 'd in place of ed bothered me. It wasn't needed to omit a syllable, so I'm not sure of the purpose.
The imagery of love being like a knot (a great analogy, by the way) presents a vivid picture. I really like the concept.
If we do not meet again in this life . . .
I'm not sure what form of poetry this would be called, but I would have liked to see it more in poetry form, maybe in couplets.