Hi, Victor! As part of my challenge in "a very Wodehouse challenge" I need to review five members I've never reviewed before, so tag you're it.
I clicked on this story because I love a good horror story. Plus, you mention in the description that you are looking for advice on this one. Hopefully, my thoughts are helpful.
You literally begin the story with a bang, which hints that something traumatic is going on. This was a great way to grab your readers.
The term garish sort of threw me off a little though. The word garish is typically used to describe something visually loud, not something auditory loud. For example, someone wearing a lot of bling would appear garish.
The dialogue is conversational, which gives it a realistic feel. Johnathan uses more formal speech with less commonly used words like pugnacious. Since the detective uses simpler language, in my opinion, the more formal language builds on Johnathan's personality.
Johnathan seems like an educated man. Little details like him carrying a briefcase further encourages the educated aspect because those who need briefcases for work usually work with their minds rather than their body.
Due to the banging on the table, I thought you were going to describe the typical frustrated, aggressive detective, but he ends up appearing tame, especially when he comforts Johnathan by grabbing his hand.
The detective looks at his partner with a perplexed expression on his face- In this area, you are telling your reader about his expression, rather than showing it. There are several ways to show someone is perplexed. To name a few, someone might furl their eyebrows together or lift an eyebrow.
Later, when you express that Johnathan looks wounded, you are again telling us, rather than showing us. I imagine you were trying to express him being forlorn. Some ways you can show this wounded, exhausted look could be bloodshot eyes, dark circles under his eyes, or puffiness under eyes from crying.
The physical descriptions of characters, in the beginning, distract, rather than add to the story. Since the detective is banging on the table, I imagined you wanted to show intensity, but when you switch to tell the reader how good looking the characters are, it feels like you are trying to set-up a romance with them, rather than paint a dramatic situation.
There is just enough scenery to show the story. Anymore would distract from the plot.
I thought the premise of the story was really good. These flash fiction stories are the most challenging to write. So, the fact that you were able to get a strong beginning, a little twist, and a shock ending is really good.
The ending was a surprise. In the beginning, there are no hints to this possession, but later the Oaija board being tossed at his feet works as a good hint. It does so without giving away the conclusion.
From my evaluation, there are no grammar issues. The only thing I found is a missing quotation mark after that last long bit of dialogue from Johnathan.
I thought this was a great little flash fiction. Any suggestions I have made are only ways I think you can make a good story even better.
Thank you for sharing your writing. I've enjoyed the read. Remember, the thoughts expressed here are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully, my thoughts on your writing were helpful.