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Review Requests: OFF
1,223 Public Reviews Given
1,228 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to give reviews the way I prefer to receive them. Honesty, thoughts for improvement, and identifying strengths are aspects that I prefer from others, so I give these things in return.
I'm good at...
I can pretty much review anything, whether poetry or short stories. My favorite genres to read are horror and the odder side of fiction, but I am open to reading other genres. If I do review a genre that is not one I particularly enjoy reading, then I am most likely going to review it based on the structure, rather than the content.
Favorite Genres
I tend to gravitate toward writings in the dark genres. With short stories and novels, horror is my favorite. With poetry, I prefer writings that display raw emotions. If your writing tackles a subject that people find offensive, I might like it.
Least Favorite Genres
Christian literature, Western, and Children's. I will NOT read or review anything that consists of XGC material between minors and adults or encourages abuse as acceptable behaviors.
Favorite Item Types
Dark poetry, horror, emotional, autobiographical, erotica, psychology
Least Favorite Item Types
Horror is one of my favorites to read and write. Also, poetry that tackles intense subject matter interests me.
I will not review...
I WILL NOT review anything that encourages abuse as acceptable behavior or includes XGC material between a minor and adult. All review requests asking me to read whole novels or later chapters will be rejected. The reason being is that I can not give a fair review of chapter 3 when I have not read the chapters before that and, the time allowance when requests for reviews are made does not allow for enough time to read a whole novel.
Public Reviews
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51
51
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi again. *Bigsmile*

Reading your description, this sounds like a great family movie, albeit a sad one. After reading this, if I were looking for an inspirational watch, I'd check this one out. The film seems to focus on real-life struggles many of us face. There will be tears shed, but the overall theme of the poem is an inspiration through Christian morals.

The only thing I would suggest here is maybe not giving the whole movie away. There are ways to share aspects without giving specific details. For example, when you tell the reader about all of the son's failures that lead to his eventual theater career, you could simply write, "He rises above life's mishaps, finding his true calling" or something like that. Then, we know that we are going to see some inspiration, but the journey is still a surprise.

Other than that, I think you did a good job on the assignment. I like how you share that this is family friendly, even though it does have a subtopic of overcoming abuse. Then you also encourage the reader further by watching it by making sure to let them know what awards the film has received. In addition, you highlight some famous actors who are in the film. Big actors always catch people's attention.

You did well with this. Thanks for putting so much effort into the assignment. *Heart*




Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers
52
52
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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I'm reviewing this for my challenge in "a very Wodehouse challenge" . This is truly an awesome auction/raffle, which is why I chose it as my first to review.

Design
It was smart to use a theme that is familiar to all. I mean, who hasn't read or at least watched Alice in Wonderland? It makes it memorable for those who see it in passing and they are more likely to return.Plus, you keep to the theme throughout, making it visually appealing.

It was smart to offer both an auction and a raffle. Not everyone can afford to bid on packages, so this encourages more to contribute.

Mechanics
There are no spelling or grammar issues. Also, the rules are easy to understand.

Promtness of Responces
As always, you are prompt with your responses. I don't see any anonymous gifts in your forum right now, but I know from experience you are awesome at adding a note in the forum, tagging the gifted and letting them know they have received an anonymous gift. This is why I utilize your activity when I am participating in Secret Pal or Secret Santa.

Final thoughts
This is a great fundraiser that benefits some great groups. Keep up the awesome work. *Heart*
53
53
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)

*Ha* *Rolling* *Rolling* *Rolling* ! Hillarious!

I knew this was going to be great once I read the title!

"“Paul’s always acted a bit dog-like but only recently has he started to accept it. I think it was when he caught a frisbee in his mouth that Paul realized it wasn’t some quirk, this was real.” " *FacePalm* *Rolling* I almost spit my coffee out in laughter with that line.

This just got more humorous as it went. You seemed a little self-conscious about sliding this in on the last day of the week, but it is apparent you put a lot of thought into writing it.

This is relevant to today in a comical sense. Funny thing is, my guy is a white guy named Joe and the other day he announced to me that he's decided to self-identify as a Mexican and I should now call him Jose. I better not show him this or he'll decide to self-identify as a dog and howl when, well, you know. Buahaha!

Thanks for the laughs! This was five stars all the way!


Created by Of_fire_born for Rising Stars' Reviewers
54
54
Review of Disillusionment  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Thank you for your continued contributions to the"Rebel Poetry Contest" . *Bigsmile*

This was a lovely verse. I like how you express that the Earth will rejuvenate itself once we are extinct. It expresses the continuation of life but also reminds us that the planet is going to do what it has to do to survive, even if it means getting rid of the human pests.

Of course, you had to throw a bit of your comedic mind in it, with equating Trump's mental state to poop. This seems to be your creative signature. *Bigsmile*

Thanks for submitting your poem to the contest. *Heart*
55
55
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)

Just wanted to stop by and tell you that you did an excellent job on this assignment. It is obvious you took the time to browse other fellow candidates, getting to know them to make creative questions. Plus, the questions are clear and challenging, yet not overly hard to find.

Thanks for putting so much effort into the assignment. Great job! *Heart*
56
56
Review of Two Brothers  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi John! As part of my challenge in "a very Wodehouse challenge"  I need to review five members I've never reviewed before. So, tag, you are it. *Bigsmile*

This was an interesting story! So, I am glad I found your port.

The hook
The first paragraph doesn't include a hook, but it does set up the scene so that we understand what this man's life is like. The hook is actually when the phone rings and we find out that the brother is in trouble.

Dialogue
The dialogue is conversational, which helps it feel realistic. You also avoid the redundancy of said and instead add other descriptions which show the story more.

Character Development
We have four characters defined in this story. We have James, James' wife, Thomas, and the mother. James is apparently a family man and very giving. This is apparent because we are told all that he has already done for his brother. His mother is obviously an enabler, who guilds James into being an enabler with her.

This Thomas is not brought into the scenes, but we learn about him through the drama in the story. He's an addict, who makes a lot of bad choices, which mom and brother are usually there to fix. Now, he's ruined his body and seeking his brother's sacrifice in order to fix that.

Scenery
There really isn't much scenery, but it isn't needed to show the story.

Plot
The plot makes a moral point. I appreciated that you took a different stance on this. There are a lot of stories out there showing how great self-sacrifice is, but this story makes one question that concept and ask one's self, "Does everyone deserve such things?" Maybe it is better for someone to pay the consequences for their actions.

Mechanics
I found a few areas where I feel need improvement. Your words are in blue and mine are in black.

Please James this is serious- This should be "Please, James, this is serious." Otherwise, she is asking for him to please James, rather than begging him to take her words seriously.

He couldn’t help but to think that life was good.- I noticed you used "that" a lot. In most of the cases, the word is not needed.

His mother never just called, something had to be wrong. There should be a period, rather than a comma, separating these phrases.

Final thoughts
Overall, this was a good read. You added a lot of detail with very few words, which is challenging.

Thank you for sharing your writing! *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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57
Review of Fog  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
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Hi there. As part of my challenge in "a very Wodehouse challenge"  I need to review five individuals I have never reviewed before. While stalking your port, this story caught my attention because it is in the paranormal genre. I like a good ghost story, so I figured I would give it a read.

The hook
The beginning does hint at something sinister, which encourages the reader to want to read more. Only, that first sentence just doesn't read right for me for some reason. I'm not really sure if you mean that the actual river was too foggy to see anything clearly or if "it" (the shadow) was difficult to see by the river.

Dialogue
A lot of the dialogue is conversational, which is good. Characters speak in normal speech patterns, rather than seeming overly formal. You even use things like "outta", which shows a little bit of an accent.

Character Development
Bobby isn't smart in some ways. Most people know that shining bright lights on fog only causes more blur, but Bobby tries anyways. Or, maybe he was just nervous. Sometimes people do irrational things when they are nervous.

The story is told through a first-person account, but we never get to know the person's name. We don't even know the gender of the narrator. The only one that is given a name and gender is the boyfriend.

Scenery
The scenery was shown clearly. We get a strong sense of how this fog is hiding something bad. It gives an ominous feel to the story. Plus, we are shown other details, like the parking lot.

Plot

The overall concept is good. I could see what you were trying to show or at least I think I do. Although, there are some holes in your plot. You seem to be missing the who, what, and why in the story. Who was after them, why did they do it, and what did they actually do to the boyfriend?

Why were they by this lake? How did they even get there if the fog was so thick? Also, why would Bobby leave him/her behind? Wouldn't they go to the truck together in order to leave together?

Also, why is the seat wet in the truck? It is inside the truck, so I figured maybe it was blood or something else, rather than dew, but the main character never looks to see what the moisture is.

Mechanics
I lost him. He was no more than a few steps from the bench and I couldn’t see Bobby anymore. - When you add "he" a few times and then Bobby towards the end, it makes it seem as though you are meaning to show more than one male character.

Throughout the story, you go back and forth from present tense to past tense. Below are two examples, but the issue is throughout the whole story.

I’m frantically searching all around as Bobby turns his phone light on and off.- Here you use present tense verbs such as "searching" and "turns"

There it was again. I know I saw it this time.- The use of "was" and "saw" makes this told in past tense.

Final thoughts
The premise of the story is actually good. It just feels like a rough draft to me. With some editing, I think the story would be a really good one.

Thank you for sharing your writing. I've enjoyed the read. Remember, the thoughts expressed here are only the opinion of one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully my thoughts on your writing have been helpful.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
58
58
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Hi, Christopher Roy Denton. I'm here to review this entry as a judge in the "Rebel Poetry Contest" 


First thoughts
The dynamics in the marriage were obvious here. I couldn't help but feel sorry for the unfortunate man in the poem.


Unique voice and analogy
There are so many poems by women lamenting about their relationships, so it was refreshing to get a male point of view. In this way the poem was unique.

I especially thought all the fairytale references were well done. I could see her whining how she deserves more while acting as a controlling witch. I've met women like this and often wonder why men stay with them.

Emotive qualities
I felt a little guilty for it, but I laughed when she kicked him. At the same time, I felt pity for the poor guy. I mean, he tries so hard, but nothing is ever good enough and he's rewarded with being degraded.

Flow
I thought you did well with the form. The broken heart was perfect for the content. Plus rhymes are consistent and not forced, which help the poem flow smoothly.

Mechanics
You are always picky with your edits, so it is of no surprise I could not find any errors to mention.

Final thoughts
I really enjoyed this poem (Not in a sadistic way). I enjoyed it because it shows the male perspective in a degrading relationship. Also being you, you brought some comedic elements to it, which made it not so dramatic.

Thank you for submitting an entry to the contest. Hopefully, you will continue to enter in future months. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
59
59
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Hi, Christopher Roy Denton. I'm here to review this entry as a judge in the "Rebel Poetry Contest" 

First thoughts
I felt your poem was relatable to the modern climate, where people are being silenced more and more in order not to offend others. It also takes a point of view some people are afraid to tackle.


Unique voice and analogy
The voice in the poem is unique in perspective. It is opinionated, showing how something innocent, expanded to something harmful to free speech.


Deaf to the world, your head is in the sand.- I particularly liked how you used this metaphor to show how safe spaces can promote ignorance and if overly done, can inhibit free speech.

Emotive qualities
I think you got your point across, showing your frustrations toward limiting free speech, yet you took consideration in understanding how it began in an innocent way.

Flow
You stuck to the form and the rhyme is consistent. No rhymes seem forced. Due to this, the poem flows perfectly.

Mechanics
The poem seems well edited, so there are no spelling or punctuation issues for me to trip over.

Final thoughts
I thought your poem was relevant to today's political and social climate. Thank you for submitting an entry to the contest. Hopefully, you will continue to enter in future months. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
60
60
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hi, Jeff. I'm here to review this entry as a judge in the "Rebel Poetry Contest" 

First thoughts
Your mind seemed to go in the same direction mine did when I found this image. Like you show in your poem, we do seem to be in a society where people are too overly sensitive, taking offense to people who voice different views. This is especially frustrating to a moderate conservative like me. I get bashed by both political parties if I speak up. I'm a bigot if I share my conservative views and If I share my liberal views I'm likely to be called a libtard.


Unique voice and analogies
I wouldn't say the voice or analogies are exactly unique, but I felt your poem was relatable, especially to the current political climate. No matter what political stance one takes, there is someone to take offense, rather than debate. If one does attempt debate it seems to be viewed as an attack lately and there is retaliation, rather than discussion.

Emotive qualities
In my opinion, all poetry should encourage emotions in the reader. To me, yours seemed to present frustration toward the norms of being overly sensitive to different modes of thought. I especially like the sarcasm in various areas where question marks are. It leaves the reader to contemplate, asking themselves those questions.

I love that last stanza. It concludes the poem perfectly with the dangers of the reality society has created. Silencing free speech silences individuality, which can be even more dangerous than a foreign invasion.

Flow
Through your word usage, I felt this flowed like a prose. I do feel it needs to be tightened up a little because some areas express the same concept but in different wording. For example, stanza one expresses the same thing as stanza four.

Mechanics
I didn't find any spelling or grammar errors to trip over.

Final thoughts
I enjoyed reading your verse. Thank you for submitting an entry to the contest. Hopefully, you will continue to enter in future months. *Heart*


Remember, the thoughts expressed here are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine what advice to apply to your writing. Hopefully, my thoughts expressed here have been helpful.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
61
61
Review by Warped Sanity
Rated: E | (5.0)

I just wanted to stop by and rate my reading, but I'll respond to the card reading via personal message.

I love the creative way you display these, by the way. Even though I am not there, it gives the feel of an actual person to person reading. Plus, the words flow off the tongue, so eloquently. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
62
62
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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I am reviewing this as part of my "a very Wodehouse challenge" . One of the challenges was to review three items listed under the comedy genre.

The hook
Honestly, her last name grabbed me. With a last name like Snot, she had to be an interesting character. Then we are shown her to be overly vain and about to go on camera. So, yes, the first sentence and paragraph works great as a hook.

Dialogue
Dialogue is executed very well. Like usual, you don't overdo it with the dialogue tags and instead, toss their speaking into the actions of the story. Plus, you add plenty of body language so we see these characters speaking, rather than just being told they say something.

Character Development
Mostly, Mrs. Snot and her interviewer are developed. I get a sense that the interviewer is quite a bit like Mrs. Snot and wants to push her out of the picture. This is evident when she tries to be touchy-feely with Wang.

Dafney Snot is quite the gold digger. For a manipulative woman, she sure is not very smart. Apparently, she thinks she can get by due to her looks, rather than her brain.

Dafney's former husband seems like a winner (being sarcastic). Little details like his stench and vulgar language show him to be someone to be turned off by.

Mr. Wang really doesn't say much. Although, his body language, in the beginning, seems more like he is supportive of her or maybe he is just the old quiet type.

Scenery
The scenery is thrown into the actions of the story. We are shown the bright lights of the studio and the global location of where it takes place. This was enough to show the story. Any more would be too much.

Plot
I got a little laugh from the Mrs. Snot's karma. I suspected she'd make a mistake, especially since she has a history of it. Still, I didn't know what she'd do. So, the punchline was a funny surprise.

Final thoughts
Thanks for the laughs. I was sort of happy about Dafney's fate. She is the sort of woman that I find annoying, so being honest, I was happy with her outcome.

Thanks for sharing your writing! As always, I've enjoyed the read. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
63
63
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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I am reviewing this as part of my "a very Wodehouse challenge" . One of the challenges was to review three items listed under the comedy genre.

Yikes! That man sure had a horrible bedside manner. One would think he would at least warn you and show some compassion towards your reaction to the treatments. This was a great story, but I must admit, I cringed more than laughed.

The hook
Right away you get to the point. We know your eye is causing you issue. There is mention of your son, which made me wonder if the doctor's appointment and your son would somehow be the comedic element. I was curious to read on, so it worked as a hook.

Dialogue
Dialogue is executed well. There is plenty of body language with dialogue, which helps the reader see these characters speaking, rather than just being told they said something. For example, since the doctor's mannerisms are cold-like, I saw him speaking nonchalant, without compassion, almost as if he was bored and uncaring.

Character Development
As I mentioned in the dialogue area, you did well showing this doctor to have a horrible bedside manner. His treatment was almost horrifying.

I like how you developed the parent/child relationship here. Young children sometimes do seem to have a psychic connection to their mothers, knowing when they are hurt, just like us parents do.

Scenery
The scenery is perfectly added to the actions of the story. I like how you showed the playroom. I giggled at the mention of the germy toy.

The doctor's office was pretty typical. All the details there sort of gave the experience a creepy feel, especially when he does the procedure without bothering to explain.

Plot
I thought this was a great story. In many ways it was relatable. I think most readers can say they have had an experience with a doctor with a bad bedside manner. Also, as a parent, I could relate to the aspects described with your son.

Mechanics
Honestly, I could not find any issues that jumped out at me. There were no confusing bits to trip over. You seem to have edited this story well.

Final thoughts
I surely hope you let others know to not see this doctor and I'm glad you didn't choose to allow him to stick a needle in your eye. Such an experience can be traumatic enough, much less if done by a doctor who has shown to be so careless.


Thank you for sharing your writing. I enjoyed stopping by your port. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
64
64
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Pumpkin image for Power Group Members to use


Hi, Schnujo is Late to Lannister . I'm here as part of the Super Power Reviewers October raid. It was suggested that we review this auction for the raid, so here I am. *Bigsmile*

Visual appearance
The auction is visually appealing. Since this is about raising money for the animals in addition to helping the Super Power Review Group, I think it is especially neat that you add little drop-down menus so that we can learn about these animals. So, you spread awareness, plus teach us something. *Bigsmile*

Everything is organized well. The text is centered, so we don't have to scroll from side to side to see the auction.

Creativity
Adding three ways to participate (raffle, auction, and silent auction) was an interesting approach. It was a unique idea, especially the silent auction part. I wouldn't be surprised if others repeated the idea and we see more silent auctions popping up around WDC as fundraisers.

Prizes
I have to say, this is probably one of the most generous fundraisers I've seen on WdC. Typically people have fundraisers to raise gift points without having to spend their own. Although, your goal seems to be to raise funds for the animals and Power Reviewers while spending a whole lot of your own money.

I've noticed you are quick to respond to those who post in the forum and get awards for donations sent out really quick. When it comes to fundraisers and contests, I think quick responses encourage member trust and faith in the person running the activity.

Speaking of prizes. My badge is in and I need to get it to you, but I noticed I will have to wait until the 20th before it can count toward your community. So, I will send it then. It is pretty, by the way!

Thanks for all you do and for the positivity you spread to those around you. *Heart*
65
65
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Pumpkin image for Power Group Members to use


Hi, Lisario . I'm here as part of the Super Power Reviewers Halloween review raid. Since your story is Halloween themed, I thought I'd give it a read and share my thoughts.


The hook
The title piqued my interest. I was curious how the man in the title would save the earth, especially since this is written for Weird Tales.

The real hook is actually when we learn the main character is diagnosed with a mental illness, which must be pretty severe since the mother has power of attorney over him at his age of thirty.

Dialogue
The dialogue is executed very well. Where there is dialogue, you add plenty of body language, which helps us to see these characters speaking, rather than just being told they say something. For example, we see the sister kick the door shut, while her arms are full of groceries when she greets her mother.

Character development
The most important character in this story, William, is the most developed. Being shown the story in the third person limited point of view, we see the story from William's perception. He is an unreliable narrator in many ways because his delusions sort of lie to the reader.

His reasoning for doing what he does are not intended to be harmful. He actually thinks he is doing good, which shows that he is actually a good person. The fact that he doesn't care if others actually know he is a hero also shows some humility.

Plot
I loved all the little descriptions in this story! Since William is an unreliable narrator, we don't really know what these green men are or if they are even there at all. Being in the man's head, I could see he was doing what he felt was the correct thing to do. So, in a way, I felt pity for him when the story concludes.

I don't want to give the ending or twists away, so I'll just say the conclusion was surprising and a horrifically great ending. It was definitely fitting for the contest it was entered into.

Also, since the story comes full circle, with the beginning merging with the end, it was apparent it was well thought out.

Mechanics
He approached the edge of the grave cautiously- Typically "ly" words are evidence of telling rather than showing. Ways to show caution are him moving slowly and/or tip-toeing while showing internal signs of stress like holding his breath or rapid breathing.

Final thoughts
I enjoyed your story! It had the right amount of weirdness and horror for this warped mind of mine.

Thanks for sharing your imagination with me. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
66
66
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
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Pumpkin image for Power Group Members to use


Hi, Zemira Hammond . I'm here as part of the Super Power Reviewers Halloween review raid. Since your story is Halloween themed, I thought I'd give it a read and share my thoughts.


First thoughts
The story begins with expressing that this is a Halloween party, which is the main character's favorite holiday. Although, the real hook is when we learn the blood and cobwebs are real. This piqued my interest because I was curious about why there was real blood there.

Dialogue
There really isn't much dialogue because the whole story is pretty much telling what goes on step by step. Where there is dialogue, I found some issues.

I yelled out "we have to call the cops"- When there are quotation marks, the words should begin with a capitalized word, hence it should be "We", not "we". Also, you end this with a comma, when the sentence would be completed after the dialogue. Also, since she yelled, wouldn't it make more sense if the end punctuation was an exclamation mark?

Character development
The only character developed is the main character. She is developed in the way that we know she loves the holiday so much that she goes all out to create a huge party. Other than that, there are no other characters developed. At least developing the girl who died is important. Without getting to know her, her death really doesn't have much of an emotional impact on the reader.

Plot
The premise of the story is a good one. It is one, which is horrific and makes a good Halloween story. Although, there is a step by step telling of the story, rather than showing. For example, we are told someone walks downstairs with a dead body, yet, nobody except for the host really seems to be roused by it.

There is some showing with her yelling for someone to call the cops, which shows her being upset, but one would think the guests would be in a panic or there would at least be some sort of emotional scene. Plus, they don't even check her vitals or anything and there is just an assumption she is dead.

There are also some holes in the plot. We are shown one dead person, then the conclusion seems to expressed through her memory is that several people died. This is confusing.


Mechanics

There are places where you use the lowercase "i", which should actually be a capital "I". Also, you seem to have lumped the whole story into one paragraph, when in fact it should be broken up into several paragraphs. Below is a link which might be helpful in understanding how to break up paragraphs into subjects.

http://theeditorsblog.net/2011/03/15/writing-basic...

Also, there are areas where you use run-on sentences, which should be broken up into two or more sentences. Below is one example, but the issue is constant throughout the story.

.All we saw as he came back down, her limp body in arms, some thought it was a prank, for they were known for them. - A new sentence actually begins with the word "some".

Final thoughts
I felt like I was reading a first draft, where you quickly wrote down your thoughts for a story, but have not polished it yet. You have some great ideas here. I just feel it needs a lot of editing for clarity and there were a lot of structural issues.

Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, these are the thoughts of only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully, my thoughts have been helpful. As always, if you get around to do ing some editing, I would be happy to look at the story again and reevaluate my rating according to any repairs.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
67
67
Review of Anniversary verse  
Review by Warped Sanity
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Dawsongirl . I found this short little poem while browsing the random read and reviews. So, I figured I would share my thoughts on it.

I imagine your husband was quite happy receiving this. The greatest gift, as writers, we can give to those we care about is our heart in writing.

I thought this was a sweat poem one might leave on a pillow and I enjoyed reading it. May you have many more years together with your husband. *Heart*
68
68
Review by Warped Sanity
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,
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This item number is not valid.
# by Not Available.
I found this little story while browsing the random read and reviews. So, I figured I would share my thoughts on it.

I always find it fascinating to reflect back on writing, seeing the changes in style as we grow. It appears you have done well in keeping yours. Since this is an older writing only to be shared for the purpose of showing your dark muse in your high school years, I figured I would rate it according to the age you were.

For a young writer, it was actually quite good. I imagine it was done as a way of using vocabulary words in an assignment.

Thanks for sharing this little part of your past. *Heart*
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Review of I Have Questions.  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi, Fivesixer ! I'm here to review this item as part of the package purchased for you a while back in the "Invalid Item" 


First thoughts
After the first reading, I found myself interpreting this as someone in a purgatory of sorts. They are stuck at number one, yet don't know in which direction to go from there or how to gain an achievement.

Imagery
In some ways the poem is an allegory about life. We are not all given the lottery, hence given an endless platform for success. Also, a lot of times those merits given by others have a price not worth paying. In other words, people, in general, don't tend to do things out of the kindness of their heart and want something in return, or at least that is what I understood.

At the end you ask a question, which to me makes it seem like the subject of the poem is more pondering on how they got where they are, rather than really finding solutions to move forward. My answer to the question is, if it is not where they want to be, maybe begin looking for a new direction.

Flow
The poem flows sort of staccato due to enjambment, making it sort of rap-like in parts. This sort of flow seems to be a trademark of yours because most of the poetry I've read by you has the same feel when read out loud.

There were a few lines which I felt was unneeded.

I have questions.

Ok, I'll go first...

It is just my personal opinion, but I think the poem reads better without these lines.

Final thoughts
I thought this was a good free verse. It is relatable because most of us have been at this point in our lives at some point.

Thanks for sharing your creativity with WdC. I've enjoyed the read. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Enablist  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Hi, Fivesixer ! I'm here to review this item as part of the package purchased for you by Kittera a while back in the "Invalid Item" .

I clicked on this poem due to the title. We all have been either been the enabler or enabled at some point. So, I figured I would relate to the verse in some way.

First thoughts
To me, after the first reading, I thought the voice in the poem was of someone who really isn't looking for the long term. They are addicted to the adrenaline of the beginnings and really don't want to go much further. The phrase the "cusp is the drug" brought me to this conclusion. This is not so uncommon in relationships. Some of us grow out of the thinking, others not so much.

Imagery
The poem seems to be written in hindsight of a past relationship. They see the other person as overly emotional, which is evident in describing them as slitting their wrists each night.

I'm thinking you were meaning the speaker of the poem was too shy to be waiting on a juggernaut. They are only interested in filling a mug, no more.

Judging by the title and the content, I'd think both subjects were enablers. The speaker enabled the other person's pessimistic behavior, while the other person enabled the speaker in their ways of dealing with relationships, holding back deeper aspects of self.

Flow
I thought it flowed well. Enjambment was executed well, enhancing the emotional content. There were no areas for me to trip over.

Final thoughts
You used some creative analogy in this free verse, which is refreshing. I enjoyed the read, thanks for sharing it. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Cheese Puffs  
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Hi, StephBee - GOT Survivor ! I'm here to review this item as part of the package purchased for you a while back in the "Invalid Item" 

I chose this item because it is in your romance folder. Lately, I've been trying to learn how to better write romance. Reviewing stories in the genre is a way of helping me to know what works and doesn't.

The Hook
The beginning introduces Angie. Knowing it is Valentine's day and she is yet again alone, I was curious if she'd meet someone since it is listed in the romance genre. The real hook though is when we learn about the package she receives, which belongs to a nearby neighbor. I was curious who this mystery person is and if this would be the person who would make Valentines much better for her.

Dialogue
Dialogue is executed well. It is conversational, rather than overly formal. You also avoid the redundancy of said and instead add body language and/or incorporate it into the actions of the story. This helps the reader see the characters speaking, rather than just being told they said something.

Scenery
There really isn't any scenery, but I don't think it is really needed all that much. We know it is an apartment complex. Although, a little more thrown into the actions of the story would enhance it more.

Character Development
The characters you show here are interesting. Angie is unlucky in the romance department and in many ways is just annoyed with trying, especially since men have resulted in nothing more than heartbreak. Yet, she tends to let this new man in quite easily, being taken in by his flowery words. I got the feeling she would be more guarded. That would be expected of someone who has been hurt a lot. Maybe it is lust or Valentines, which makes her drop her guard so easy?

Drew seems like the whole package. He's a rare gem where the cover matches the inside. He's attractive, but a good guy.


Plot
I loved the cheese puff idea! That was cute. There is a sweetness to it, almost like that of love in youth. Knowing that someone played cupid was a nice twist to this.

Mechanics
Those first few paragraphs I feel need to be broken up into smaller paragraphs. Below is what it would look like broken up.

Angie squinted at her calendar next to the refrigerator and frowned. Valentine's Day. Just what she needed – to be reminded of her eternally single status.

The doorbell rang. She opened the door and peered into the hallway. Empty. Either it was the bratty kid in 2G pressing buttons, or UPS got the wrong apartment – again.

A brown box addressed to "A. Raines," Apartment 3D, rested on the floor at her feet. She let out a long breath and glanced at her watch, frustration winding through her limbs. She could only spare a couple of minutes to deliver his package before she had to leave for work.

Final Thoughts
I enjoyed the story! It was a sweet romance tale. Thank you for sharing it. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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for entry "The Great Oz" 
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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This is the third review in your package, but I am definitely returning to read the rest of this novel. It is truly an excellent read and I feel a need to know what is going to happen.

Dialogue
Dialogue is to the point, much like military personnel would communicate. Then the stoic expressions between dialogue emphasize this.

Character Development
I thought Sam was a scary man, but The Great Oz, or rather Kohl, is more so. All the little physical details make this evident. like his aura seeing to arrive before his body and Sam standing to attention due to respect instead of out of duty. Physical descriptions, like his muscular structure and his eyes also make him out to be very intimidating.

We get to know Sam a lot more in this chapter, too. I suspected he felt guilty for something, but he seemed to enjoy killing way too much to be that. Knowing his one regret with these children clarifies this for me. It is almost as if losing his leg was punishment for the sin. When I read what he had inadvertently done, I felt sad for these children. That is an awfully hard memory to have as baggage.

We also learn that Sam is more than just a military man. He plays an important aspect of scientific advancement. So, rather than just brute strength, his is also strong in intelligence.

Sam's life has been dormant without purpose. Having an assignment gives him purpose, hence making him feel alive.

Like, Merci, Sam also has an odd friend. Jesse is somewhat of a conspiracy theorist, which Sam first sees as a crackpot, but the man grew on him.

Scenery
I appreciate how you allow the scenery to add to the appearance of Kohl. This dark, yet shadowy room, makes the two men look even more sinister.

Also, we now know that Sam has been waiting at a secret base, which explains the phones more so. He's got a small living quarter, where necessities are provided. There is even advanced technology, like the television showing the satellite images.

Plot
I knew that gadget Simene created would have some relevance! Well, you don't say it, but the fact that the phone Sam is given is made private by satellite hints that the gadget holds importance.

We are introduced to the fact that these military men feel they have an important role in keeping a timeline strait....or rather that is the impression I get right now. There is evidence that someone is trying to change things. Although, since this chapter is from the perception of these two men, it is easy to equate that they don't want things to sway away from where they want them to be, which may or may not be good.

I love Maci's character and after this chapter, I am afraid for her. I suspect she has a purpose, which is why others are reaching out to her in her visions. Although, her concept of greater good I'm suspecting is much different than the concept these military men have.

Mechanics
I found one little error in this chapter.

and starred(stared) out into the night.

Final thoughts
This story has so many layers and I feel I am peeling them away, piece by piece, diving deeper into this world you have created. I can't wait to peel away more layers. Thank you for sharing this with me!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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for entry "Simene" 
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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This is your second review in your package on in the Icecream Social. To be honest, I didn't want to stop reading this. It is that good. I just figured I better pause and send a review before I get too far. This review will cover the first three chapters.

The detail and imagery are so well executed in this book. I'm sure these are some of the most edited chapters in the book since they are earlier chapters, but I am in awe. I feel humbled by reviewing this because you are so beyond me in skill. You are the type of writer I hope to be one day.

Dialogue
The dialogue is conversational, with each character showing their unique traits in their chosen words. When these characters are conversing, I feel like I am right there watching them speak.

The friendship between Merci and Semine was weaved into the dialogue so well. I could feel their connection in friendship flowing naturally through their words and the body language accompanying the dialogue.

Character Development
These characters are dimensional, which makes them feel real. I've decided to discuss each separately.

Merci- I'm so attached to this character! At first, I when I realized she is a trust fund baby, I thought of the trust-fund babies I know. They seem to have it easy because they don't have to work hard due to their parents paying for everything. Yet, they complain about their life. Although, this is coming from the perception of someone who has had to work hard for everything I have.

Merci is much different than any trust-fund babies I know. She's well traveled and has seen the harsher side of humanity. This has made her less trusting of people. With this, I felt a kinship with her.

Also, experiences with what she has decided is a demon has made her learn how to face her fears head-on. She realizes that fear will always be there, but she doesn't allow it to control her. This shows a lot of strength.

Her physical appearance is an interesting one. Making her void of skin pigment is an interesting concept. I love the way you show her love for her milky skin in the shower. Beautiful imagery there. Then when she shows Simone her naked body, another side of her is shown. As much as she is an introvert, she is not actually all that shy.

Sam- This is one scary guy. Even though he is older with a prosthetic leg, I'd still be afraid of him. He has no guilt with killing and actually enjoys it. He's the kind of guy you slit your throat, then looks you in the eye and smile.

He has let himself go by drinking quite a bit, which says there may be some underlining guilt, but he doesn't express it so much. It is almost like his memories are reminiscing is past.

He's let himself go in the aspect of that military cleanliness. When I left him last, he was not so happy about his superior officer arriving at his mess. I would imagine he is going to hurry up and tidy the place up before we meet The Great Oz.

Simene- He's a unique sort. In a way, he reminded me of my son, who is also a huge tech nerd. His awkward dress and hairstyle seem to be less about trying to be unique and more to do with not having a concept of style. This makes him highly awkward, even though he is smart.

I could totally see why Merci felt comfortable with him right away. Those of us who are awkward tend to be drawn to other awkward individuals. Awkward people don't quite know or in a lot of cases even try to conform to what society deems normal. This realness makes them seem more trustworthy.

The demon- I'm thinking this is the only interpretation she could come up with and it isn't a demon at all. Maybe it is a witchdoctor of sorts? That would tie in with the indigenous people in the prologue. I'm not sure, but I look forward to finding out.

The cat- Yes, I know it is just an animal, but Merci's cat plays an important part in two of the chapters. He's a lot like his owner in the way that he is not very trusting. In a way, he is a lot like a familiar, letting Merci know when there is a threat of danger. Likewise, he also confirms when she should trust someone. His immediate positive response to Simene is evidence of this.

Scenery
You weave these details into the showing of characters and plot so well. Little details like showing the Lord of the Rings etchings on the bookshelf, show more of Merci's personality. Details of her home, which are extravagant, matches the understanding that she has received a large inheritance.

When we meet Sam, we are shown disorder, which matches his indulgence in alcohol, but you focus a lot on those phones, which says they are significant. The fact that those phones are not modern, says they have been sitting there for a while most likely dormant. This matches other evidence in the chapter when we learn they use to ring constantly, yet have been silent for some time.

Plot
Chapter one introduces the reader to Maci. I was hoping to experience the same excellent imagery and detail that was in the prologue and I was not disappointed.

I have seen people have seizures, in some of the cases it was due to epilepsy and unfortunately in other cases an overdose. Due to this, I can say you were spot on with your descriptions when Merci experiences this. You either are familiar with this too or did an awful lot of research. Then you use what some people claim they experience during a seizure, which is sort of an outer body experience. In Merci's case, it is more like traveling. When she travels, I felt like I needed to remember every detail she sees because it will be important at some point in the novel.

Chapter two introduces us to Sam. I don't know if he will be an enemy or foe to the other characters. Like I mentioned, he is a scary man. Although, all the details like the phones, show that he is involved with something important and that the government might have some involvement in what is going on with the man in the prologue and with Merci.

Chapter three brings all the chapters together thus far without giving everything away. I'm wondering if Sam and The Great Oz are two of the military men she wrote about in her journal entry shown to Simene. Then there is that message, which ties in the character in the prologue.

I suspect that every detail in these three chapters is important, even that contraption Semine build will have its importance in the story. This makes me want to make sure and grasp every detail.

Mechanics
I only found one issue, which can be found in the chapter titled Simene.

guild line for creating an olive skinned girl- Did yo mean guideline?

The chapters flow so effortlessly, that I could not find any areas where things should be tightened up, expanded on etc. So far chapters are well edited and excellently written.

Final thoughts
The only disappointment I have is that I can't hold this in my hand and curl up on a couch to read it as I would normally do with a great novel. Instead, I have to experience it on the computer screen.

It took a lot of willpower putting this story down, which means it is a really awesome read. It is an honor being able to read this before publication. I have no doubt it will be published one day.

I'm off to meet The Great Oz now. I'll send you another review later today or tomorrow. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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for entry "Prologue" 
Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Hi, Escape Artist . I'm here for your first review in your package won in the Icecream Social.

The hook
Wow, what a start! This prologue begins with so much imagery that I felt I was right there with this man, experiencing the dread of the storm.

Dialogue
There is only an internal dialogue, but it is executed so well and realistic to the man's experience.

Character Development
Mikhail is an interesting character. I could feel every emotion through your analogies and the internal sensations described, so much that I felt I was him.

I love this description:

The torrent of rain had stopped but a cold drizzle pushed by an equally frigid breeze accentuated his misery.- Reading this line, I could feel that chill in the air. Rather than just saying it is cold and wet, we are shown that frigid cold in a much more creative way.

The descriptions of the indigenous people are described well. Rather than calling Indians or indigenous people, you describe their way of dress and features. This puts the reader there, seeing them. I also got a sense that these two people saw him, too.

Scenery
You have expertly added the scenery into the actions of the story. I could see the emergency of the situation as waves crashed, breaking the ship in two. Then when he crawls up on that shore I could see the drizzle of rain and him grasping for that green grass.

I like the imagery you use when describing the other realm (that is what I am thinking it is). Using the contrast between the cold of where he is and the warmth beyond the border heightens the understanding that these are two different places. It is like he is on the border of another reality.

Plot
That last line of internal thought hooks me to read on. It is shocking but leads the reader to want to find out the answer to his question. Plus, the imagery displayed in this introduction gives me hope that the writing in further chapters will match it.

There are so many reasons to read on. For one, I am curious about these indigenous people and if this is where he is going to end up. The woman seemed to acknowledge him, so I can't help but wonder if she is going to hold some sort of importance in the story. Then again, he seemed to be rejected from that other world because his hand bounced back when he tried to reach for the grass. Yet, someone has taken hold of him, dragging him. I am curious about what is happening and what is going to happen.

Mechanics
I found one little error.

unimpressed with Mikhail’s presents(presence)

Final thoughts
This was a great start! I'm hooked and looking forward to the next chapter.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Warped Sanity
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)

** Image ID #2097750 Unavailable **


Hi,sindbad ! I'm here to review this as one of the judges for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" 

The hook
We are told that we are going to learn about a multi-bagger investment, which gave returns for thirty years. I was curious as to what this investment was, so it worked well as a hook.

Dialogue
There isn't really much dialogue. Most of the story is you telling the reader what you saw. There is one area where you use quotation marks, signifying there is dialogue, but it is confusing. In paragraph six quotation marks are out of place, making it difficult what is actually speaking and what is your telling of the story.

Character Development
You tell us perceptions of your parents. Your mother, I presume is outspoken, when it comes to investments and wants a nest egg for the future. Your father really doesn't like making investments because they are too risky. This makes me think he is a cautious type of man who doesn't like taking chances.

You write that "He did not meet the tenant" then write "gave back uncle (the tenant) the principal and 50%". These statements contradict each other. How could he not know the tenant if the tenant was an uncle? Later in the story, we learn this man became a close friend to the family, so I'm thinking maybe uncle became a term of endearment for him, yet this is never made clear to the reader.

Plot
I think this is a good story to show how helping others eventually comes back with bigger rewards. Your dad appears to be a kind and smart man.

The concept here was really good. I loved the ideas presented in the story. I just feel that it is mostly telling, which makes it difficult to connect to any characters. There are also some holes in the plot. For example, knowing your father's reasoning for giving this man the money would really help in adding an emotional tug on the reader's heart, especially when we learn what the man gives back to your family.

Mechanics

I found some errors which I felt need attention.

multi bagger'- multi-bagger

well wisher- well-wisher

sometimes when my mother looks back she says the the best investment

with this, the amount was forgotten about, till(untill)

Every Christmas uncle(Uncle) would send us (a) Christmas cake. - Uncle is given as a name, which makes it a propper noun. The same with Dad or Daddy. If you write my uncle or my daddy it is not capitalized, but if you present it as if it is their name, then it is now proper.

Uncle stared visiting our house regularly - started

Some times- Sometimes


Final thoughts
Thank you for sharing your life experience. This seems like something that was a good life lesson for you. Also, it looks like you were lucky to have a wonderful father.

Thank you for submitting to the official contest. It was a pleasure reading your writing. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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