I really liked this piece, written from the perspective of a wedding ring. It is a emotional tale of a marriage gone bad. But, although the tone near the end is sad, the last line, " I live with the persistent hope that one day she will lift the lid of my prison and find me once again, shining with the promise of a million happily ever afters." is a great one and adds some element of hope, no matter how unrealistic it may be (or not ). Great story. Thanks for sharing!
Write on!
Wow! I am not sure what else to say. This was an amazing piece. The fact that you could incorporate all of these song titles into this heart-wrenching story, really , was secondary (but I love this contest, too, so I have to say Great Job on that as well!). To me, that's the biggest part with this contest - to make a story that is so real that people don't even think about the prompt. Jazz and her mom became so real to me in so few words! I knew that I could not hope for Jazz to live, but I did anyway. I also hoped for her mom to find the strength to let her go - and that was the best I could hope for. Awesome (if incredibly sad) story!
Write on!
This poem was excellent for its simplicity and the way it flowed.... maybe simplicity is not the right word. Maybe the word I'm looking for is "pureness". It tells of a deep love that is shared, and there's truly nothing better in the world. My favorite line is, "A sweet chorus echoing through my heart through all time". It gives it a meaning that transcends time and the physical body. Thanks so much for sharing this!
Write on!
When I read the title, I truly hoped it was indicative of the imagery to follow, and you did not disapoint! This was an amazing piece. I read it three times and felt... I'm not sure what to say, mezmorized, perhaps is the best word. "In Your Topaz Dreams"... that in itself was excellent. I'd like to tell you what my favorite line is in this piece, but I have to say it runs from beginning to end. Thanks for sharing this wonderful read!
Write on!
I loved the way you described the door the man disappeared behind. I also liked "...she heard the lock snick closed." I would have never thought to describe a lock being engaged like that - but it made a very vivid mental sound for me.
One thing that was confusing is that, before she followed him through the building to the bedroom, she said she wanted to help him, to which he replied "You can't." Then, once they get to the bedroom, he tells her, "You're the only one that can help me." I understand that he doesn't want her to help (for reasons to be revealed later ), but maybe the first time she mentions helping him, maybe he could just bark, "No" or something at her. He's obviously caught in some ethical or moral struggle, which adds tension, but maybe switch up the wording a bit? Just a suggestion.
Another suggestion (which is one that I'm told about in my own writing a lot, which is really the only reason I mention it) is to try to avoid the use of passive voice. For instance, you wrote, "
Then a beautiful slender woman could be seen kneeling beside…" Maybe something such as "Then a beautiful slender woman knelt" or "She could see a…" It shows what is happening rather than telling.
I think you portrayed her emotional roller coaster very well as the images and the very room itself seemed to change in front of and around her.
The scene between Crystal and Liza was very real and vivid. I think you portrayed Crystal's panic and confusion very well.
I also liked the scene between Crystal and June. You portrayed two young girls, one who had been caught and one who had not, very well. The dialogue was very realistic and the characters very clear.
One point on which I wasn't clear… you stated the 5 De La Chaise girls resembled each other moderately, but then state that Elizabeth was the first of 7 to leave the nest. I'm assuming there are two brothers then? Or was that a typo? They weren't mentioned in the family description, so I thought it might be confusing. Again, just a thought. The interaction between the girls as they attempt to pick out the dress, though, is great! I think anyone with siblings (especially sisters) will really relate to it.
The ending of this chapter pulls the reader into the next. Very nice!
Overall, I really enjoyed this chapters. I learned a lot more about the characters and the situations. I like the mystery of Joseph… what he is all about and how Crystal could possibly help him. It's very intriguing!
I loved the last line of this short-short! It added a very unexpected twist! This story seemed to be one thing at the outset and then turned to ... something very different and seemingly more sinister. Thanks for sharing.
Write on!
This was a very vivid recount of the memories of a child. It included memories of walking in the woods with a father as well as that of a young man who apparently "saved" a young child who was simply singing, and the relationship that was begun that day. Thanks for sharing this great poem.
Write on!
Awesome poem!! At first this seemed very... ominous, I guess. Well, to a small child, I'm sure the thought still would. But this was a great read and the ending made me laugh out loud when I figured out what was going on. I am not a poet, so I can't really comment on the technical aspects of this, but it was a great read... it flowed smoothly and read easily (which is about as technical as I get. ) Thanks for sharing!
Write on!
I think this is a very good look into the mind of any typical high school student. It's a time of finding oneself and where we all fit into the big scheme of things. Although I'm not a poet and therefore don't feel as though I should comment much on the technical aspects of poetry, I think this piece read well and flowed smoothly. I would venture to say many readers have been in this position at one time or another during those awkward adolescent years. Thanks for sharing this great poem!
Write on!
** Image ID #1530826 Unavailable **
What a great story! You had me laughing throughout this entire piece. I could really see this amazingly pregnant woman out squirrel hunting with her not-so-patient husband. This was a great read.
My only small piece of constructive criticism would be the tense changes. It started out in past tense, switched briefly to present, and then back to past.
Overall, this was a very awesome read! A definite, "We'l look back on this and laugh," moment. I also liked the way you handled the ending, giving the husband a softer, "sweeter" side. Very well done!
Write on!
Image #1530826 over display limit. -?-
Awesome job with this 55-word-er! I've just started doing these myself, and I feel they are very challenging. When I read your description, at the beginning, I was sure the cat would get its meal! I love how you ended this piece! It made me laugh out loud. Cats are such fun animals... especially when you "get into their head" as you have here. Great work!
Write on!
This is an excellent poem, Jewel! You've said a lot about how you perceive the world, as well as the relationship you have with your dog... and have done that in so few words. I think that this poem not only explains life through your point of view, but also reminds people that they can go on and not to take things for granted. Thanks for sharing this wonderful read!
Write on!
This was a great story! I could feel Mike's panic as he realized what had happened to his hair! I think you set him up well as the kind of guy who didn't normally do crazy things, and that really made the story work. This story made me laugh out loud as people tried to help him, but to no avail. Thanks for sharing.
Write on!
This is a very endearing poem. It speaks of a couple's love and how that love kept them going throughout the years. It was easy to read and flowed well. I liked the story of the reasoning behind allowing the man to keep his wedding ring after his funeral. It seems it was definitely the right decision. Thanks for sharing this wonderful poem.
Write on!
What an awesome story!! The way you foreshadowed the danger of the mountaneous area in the beginning stuck in my mind through the entire story. This was an incredible read. Honestly, if Kaitlyn would have met her watery end in that river.. I think I would have been mad at you , and I think that's the mark of excellent character development. You made me care so much about your characters as people that I found myself reading faster and faster as Michael ran to attempt his rescue. I also loved the very ending of the story. The imagery of the moth disappearing back into the night was an excellent end to this piece. I LOVED IT, beginning to end!
Write on!
Excellent poem! While I am not a poet, so I don't comment much on technical aspects of poetry, I can say, as a reader, that this flowed very well. I loved your word choices. I almost felt as though I was walking the deer path out back of my own home in the late fall, and seeing it all in a different way. Thanks for sharing this great read!
Write on!
This is a wonderful poem! It spoke of someone who brings light and happiness. I enjoyed the ending the most, where a bright star is in her place. This poem seemed very peaceful and elegant in so many ways. Your words evoked strong feelings and vivid pictures. An excellent read! Thank you for sharing.
Write on!
This was a truly moving poem. Although I don't write poetry (so I don't comment on the technical aspects of poetry), I can say that, from a simple reader's standpoint, this was an excellent read! The images that the last two lines of the poem told about are tragic and heart-wrenching. It made me feel so much for people I would not even otherwise know. Thanks for sharing this piece.
Write on!
Image #1530826 over display limit. -?-
Okay, awesome. So, now that I can't look into the bathrrom mirror in the morning to even put on my make-up, what do you suggest I do? I guess I'll just have to call in WDC-affected! This was a great "Truth or Dare" story! I loved the way you set the whole thing up. I'm not superstitious.... but what if it's true?!?! This is a truly chilling tale for its depth and its simplicity at the same time. Great Work!
Write on!
Image #1530826 over display limit. -?-
Great job with this prompt. Given the limited word count, I think you did a great job with this story! I didn't notice any "technical" errors.... I think you've made a great example out of this surgeon and what difference a small mistake may (or may not... or did it?) make! Good job with this story!
Write on!
Image #1530826 over display limit. -?-
Great job with this 55-worder! I've tried this format a few times and find it challenging and fun. You've done such an excellent job here... with even room for a twist at the end! A chilling tale of a child alone in the dark! Awesome story.
Write on!
Image #1530826 over display limit. -?-
This was such a sweet and endearing poem. In so few words you managed to convey the feelings of both watching and being that mother. I could hear an old rocking chair, handed down through generations, creaking against a hard wood floor when I read this. Of course, that is from my own memory, but the fact that this poem could bring that to the front of my mind is what makes it special and unique. Thank you so much for sharing.
Write on!
Image #1530826 over display limit. -?-
This was an excellent story! You used some great description such as, " her eyeglasses skittered across the floor." I liked the twist at the end, too! You showed how hurt she was as she "marched" to the door. Overall this was a great piece of flash fiction. Thanks for sharing!
Write on!
Image #1530826 over display limit. -?-
What an excellent and tragic story. This tale, about a girl with a terrible secret, is a journey through the mind of a young girl who seemingly has nowhere to turn. Your ending, tragic as it was, was very fitting. In a different time, girls in this situation had so little help available to them and were looked at very differently. This was a very well written piece with very distinct characters. A wonderful read.
Write on!
Image #1530826 over display limit. -?-
This is a great glimpse of two young women's lives in the early '60s. It's easy to forget there was a time that women didn't normally go into drinking establishments unescorted (or even at all!). I thought the drunk guy and his wife was.... well, somewhat typical of people who had had too much to drink at times. This piece was very well written and all of your characters were very vivid.
Write on!
Image #1530826 over display limit. -?-
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/write2b/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.34 seconds at 1:21pm on Apr 26, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
). Great story. Thanks for sharing!
, and I think that's the mark of excellent character development. You made me care so much about your characters as people that I found myself reading faster and faster as Michael ran to attempt his rescue. I also loved the very ending of the story. The imagery of the moth disappearing back into the night was an excellent end to this piece. I LOVED IT, beginning to end!