This is just my opinion and you can take it or leave it.
I think you did a pretty good job with rhyming the words which is actually pretty hard to do. Many alleged poems are just a collection of sentences on different lines.
I do think some of it seems a little bit forced but you could probably fix that with small changes if you are the type of poet that does go back and improve his work
Remember these comments are just “in my opinion” and are my thoughts as a reader on what I feel about your piece.
Most of the time poetry is too personal to review honesty but I’m into science fiction and I like the science fiction aspect of what you’re trying to say.
While rhyme is not necessary in a poem rhythm is - so you need some type of structure.
At the bottom of the ocean I lie bottom is a plain word by itself and lie could be perceived as a the fact of deception
Plus you want about the same beats in the first line of the stanza as the first line of the second
on bottom mud of ocean floor
I lay in the dark at midday
Waiting.
Expanding out the words in the first line of the second stanza makes the beats add up better. It is very common to use contractions - or not - to make beats add up. Also to put in - or not - small words such as “and” “a” “or”.
Also adding the word ‘waiting’ again accents the waiting you have as a main point and it also evens out the top two stanzas
I am a hard and ugly shell
A soft oil-slick of shimmer
Waiting.
Anyway just playing around with the order of words and adding or taking away small word you can work on the beat. I like the poem subject idea.
You did a good job on the fantasy wording the sentences and set the scene well. Your grammar seems good but I think if you used more of an Indian type phrasing and adjectives they would give the story more of a myth feeling.
The story itself seems alright but maybe with a little more mystical wording it might be better. Still good though.
Remember these comments are just “in my opinion” and are my thoughts as a reader on what I feel about your piece.
I know it’s the whole story still don’t know about extra zeros - wouldn’t that kill someone
Not make them just loony? Guess it’s alright though.
Need some she or he said in parts of your conversation - easy to get lost otherwise good spelling and grammar.
The story itself and the words and grammar are alright. I did find it hard to follow the events since they aren’t in chronologic order. I didn’t realize that he was in the dead guy’s apartment until the seconded time I went through it.
Also when the bird girl saw Vanessa’s body it would have been helpful to have the information that he had done it the night before at the time she saw the body.
Since the story runs a bit backward imo… you should take extra care that the reader knows what has happened and when. Good story, could use a few clarifications though
I started to write this story and I had lot of it like you have here. And that is explaining about the people and who they are what they look like and how they felt. I thought that this would be good so the reader will know who the characters are.
But in reality it appears the reader doesn’t even care about that. They will make their own minds up and if there is any hesitation of the writer not getting on with it they move on just like that.
You mention grammar I don’t know how many time you have gone over it but I don’t think that grammar is going to be a huge problem for you like it is for me.
The best way to describe some one is through conversation. That’s what readers want without it the story is domed.
You have 11 paragraphs some of them long before a few lines of dialog. I read very fast but some people don’t. You will have to cut down those phs.
Take the game ph. forget the don't speak roman numeral, distraction in fact the info in that whole ph. should come out in the characters reacting with each other.
You have to mix the people together and have them react to really get the reader to stay with it.
As far as character development you have them behind so many cluttered facts I can’t even see them clearly.
Nice poem not to long and sounds like a poem instead of a bunch of long rambling. The subject matter is different which is also good done now what to say about the rest since some people don’t really want someone to mess with their words since they feel what thy have is just right. You could still look it over and polish
These are just my impressions so everything is just in my opinion…
Not saying what to do take it or leave it.
imno … I guess I missed the rhyme and rhythm unless it is more free from. What can anyone say about what someone writes about when they do poetry? It is more in the writer and lots of times the writer doesn’t wasn’t to hear what the reader thinks. The subject matter good and sjme of the poem is but if you could take just the best parts ands lose a few lines I think it would be a better piece to read but that just me….
A soft melodic voice was (came) from behind the door. --- as few was’s as possible
Telhan sat up in bed as he pushed ----- sat up in bed as he---- sat up is implied --- better to hurry along with the pushing ----- he pushed
Afterwards he walked over to the -- we know ‘Afterwards’ is after the blankets Walked over…
Telhan trudged to the --- better just -- at kitchen --- if he is at the kitchen we know he got there
Unless trudged is super important…. but I didn’t see that
as he walked along the dirt ---- he walked --- I knew he was walking from the previous sentence
lots of block paragraphs --- each time a speaker speaks a new paragraph
you write well and seem to know what you are saying
formatting will make people more likely to read it – just saying….
You have good writing structure and that will be very positive for you to get your ideas down. But the block of explanation you have at the start of your story isn’t really helping anything.
You writing is coherent enough that it wasn’t to hard for me to read though it - but some people are slower readers and would find it a lot more distracting. The information you have in there could be easily slipped in as you go after the reader has invested some time and wants to keep reading. It is really easy to lose someone in a few sentences even if later it picks up. So a strong start is mandatory.
You said you have a story outline and if I were you I would hit of some of the big happening that are coming. Just day to day events may be fine and books start that way but usually they are professional writer with people that got the book because then like the writer.
Use unknown beginner have to hook ‘em right a way because they won’t stay unless the make it through the first or second page.
Make a good out line and see if you can leave some crumbs of later things to keep the reader wanting….imo… anyway
Nice easy story to read. Good conversation and flowed well I think all aspects worked together. The gambling thing and putting up for pawn the watch and the prospecting angle give the tail an old west on the moon feel. I’m guessing you were going that way
The way you started the story - that you were as grandfather putting down memories does describe the feeling I got from reading your story. I like the hardware talk of science fiction so I enjoyed the narrative.
Which by the way was easy to read even though it is a long chunk of description. They way you put it - describing how the guys worked together to get a project done helped. It didn’t just sound like a long block of description but something happing even though there was no conversation.
You have an easy going natural style of writing that is the 180 from my not so natural and not so easy going style.
You have done a good job both with the story line and the twist at the end. You sentences are better then the last piece I read of yours and the story is tighter, easy to understand.
You help me a lot on getting my ideas on the complicated story set up I had with the wolf’s grammar and all. So thought I would return the review…
Starting with “As I”(???) better imo….. rolling or pushing…..
As I pushed the snooze button. I rolled out of bed
But I rewrite my stuff a hundred times and I am never satisfied….. not telling you what to do…..
I enjoyed your valentine chocolate story. it looks like it was done a while back, maybe you put it up this time of year. It is well written and gives the reader a sense of not only what the character in the story feels but almost real taste to themselves.
I love raspberry cream
Anyway thanks for sharing - nothing to improve and your writing or ideas
Good job
I like the shortness -- the less is more is a very good way to go a lot of the time. Plus with short stuff it’s hard to find many things wrong! But here is one thought --- remember just my opinion and you don’t have to care.
Not sure what you mean with the “So love is elusive” thought. Is it as “So what if love is elusive.” Or do you mean more like “Love is so elusive”
I like the whole idea behind the funny tragic thought. You should tidy up some of the lines eight and nine especially. Also many time it is better to leave out small word unless they are needed for the rhythm
A snowy trek through the night,
lose the all
I plodded for help on my plight.
For is the correct word in sentence structure but this is poetry so it is good to use close words giving a little mystery plus using “for” a word then “for” again….
fields and farms which grew all about instead of staying don’t get “grew” do you mean “were”?
On one such occasion, I know you want it to sound like a fairy tail but the “such” is too much imo….
jack rabbit of not insignificant size gastronomical fantasies pretty big complex words for a child’s story imo…
Not only did Mr. MacGregor not have a dog he had many other things
Why not get to the point -- he didn’t have a dog and he had carrots, etc.
Winding around is confusing especially for a child’s story. imo…
You have a sweet story buried under there somewhere. I know you want the fairy tail sound but you should go with -- the less is more theory –- especially with a child’s story… just saying …. Imo….
As always i wake and then you have the next sentence I always fond would probably be nice to combine those two “always” thoughts so you don’t us the word twice so close together.
You descriptions are nice - lots of good color the descriptions. A little organization wouldn’t hurt
I opened my eyes and felt the cool morning breeze sometimes the present tense “opening my eyes and feeling” is better just saying… imo….
Ok not trash. If you are on this site much yes - you can find trash and in the supernatural sci-fi and fantasy you will find a lot there. The positive is you have ability to at lest get out you ideas is writing without barring it in a weird witting style. I do think you have will have to focuses your point more - that is always hard. A lot of question marks and such. They are always saying - show the reader doesn’t tell the reader - maybe you are asking the reader to much. Show the reader don’t ask the reader(?)
Arguing that a guy can't be held a hundred percent accountable for what he says in bed is a good one. (lol) why don’t they ever see that? The dysfunctional angle is a good one to get into there are plenty of people with that problem.
I do think you should give Zachariah some other little reason to like his except for rich and good looking. Even if you said something he had this enchanting boyish smile and or little infectious laugh. Of curse it would be all fake and you could make it so he used that knowing he was taking people in.
I feel the story line of getting into the papers and Zachariah liking that he is getting some fame fills out more who he is and makes the reader see him better. Not sure how you are using the word ”literate” here but with the T phone and temple references I see there is a back ground you have in your mind. Would have be nice - even on these introductions - to have those references filled out better so the radar can see the people against the back ground better.
Trying to explain you aren’t into relationships to conquests - in a way doesn’t make since to a regular person. At least lie but I take this to mean - he feels his money is enough to guarantee that the girl will want him anyway, if only for the money.
A - black fire – drink sound like something unusual so I think even at the time Leslie brought the drink Zachariah would have suspected that it wasn’t a coincidence and would have to look back on it as so.
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