"...most of the people on the docks as well." Strike "as well".
"...or turning parchment and paper into kites if the officials carrying them from ship to office were careless enough to keep less than a grip of iron on them." This is some remarkable imagery but is wasted so early in the piece. I love the "grip of iron" but the sentence (and paragraph) really needs to end with "kites" since you already did a "if the..." vignette just before this one.
"...with more still circling outside..." Take out "still".
"...what little space there was taken up..." Add a second "was" after "was", even though it sounds wordy: it's needed.
"A ship waited for him at the end of the pier..." Change this to "A ship was there for him..." since we already know he's talking about a pier.
When using ship names, it's customary to italicize the name. If you don't know how to do that on the site, just type { i } before the word you want to italicize and { / i } after it. You don't need to use spaces like I just have. If I had used them, you would've seen the passage in italics! Haha!
"They were staring at one another the way two people shared a secret." Change the "the" to "in a" and "shared" to "share".
"Garen looked down at the blade again, and slowly lifted his hand to it." Take out "again" and the comma.
" '...unless you need it to defend yourself.' " Take out the ending quotation mark since he continues speaking in the next paragraph.
"...face to face with Garen, close enough that it would be an even bet whether a thin plank of wood could slip between their faces." End the sentence with "Garen".
"It was why they were so successful and rich, richest of the Trade Isles." Use a colon instead of a comma here.
"Anything less, and he might as well just stay here." This feels more like an internal thought of the present tense. I'd suggest rewriting it as "Anything less and I might as well just stay here" and quote it or italicize it, which is another means of denoting internal dialogue from the rest of the story.
"Hefting the sack of his possessions that he carried in his free hand, the one not holding the sword hilt, he pulled it over his shoulder and walked down along the docks." Change this to "He pulled his sack of possessions over his shoulder and walked down along the docks." Less wordy.
"This was the ship that he was going to trust his life to?" Again, feels like another bit of internal dialogue that can be tweaked.
"He pulled himself to his feet, and shrugged out his shoulders..." The crewman has already stood by this point. Begin the sentence with "He shrugged out his shoulders..."
"...and pulling it into a semblance of a ponytail." Say "putting" instead of "pulling".
"Garen hesitantly shook the other’s hand, squeezing once to make sure that Sellas was real." I like this passage.
"...away from his face, and shoved the trap door back, letting it fall on the deck." End the sentence with "face".
"A porthole here and there let in a bit of sunlight, scarcely enough to allow one to find their path, but enough to allow one to see enough to get by." Change this to "A porthole here and there let in a bit of sunlight: enough to get by."
"...Garen looked at the stacked barrels on at his left..." Take out the second "at".
"Wood wouldn’t do that, would it?" More internal dialogue. Just italicize: no need to reword it.
"It didn’t really matter, anyway, considering that he was just using this ship to get from one place to another." Start this sentence with "He was just..."
I've just come to the end and wanted to mention this as soon as possible: why title this chapter "The Blacksmith" when Garen refers to himself as a swordsmith? Are you mocking him or reminding the reader that there's literally no distinction between the two and Garen is the type of person who clings to such trivial titles? Well, obviously not trivial in his eyes but by the reader's standards. If this is the reason, I like it: it has me wondering what other trivial things Garen might get heated about.
The back-and-forth between Sellas and Garen is reminiscent of Will Turner and Jack Sparrow. Is this intentional? As the films have no doubt caused a resurgence with all things pirate, I can't help but wonder if genuine tales as what you have here will only suffer through scrutiny because of the similarities. I say stick to your guns, regardless, but these are very distinct characters you've created here.
I like your term "worldbuilding" as it implies that you've put a great deal of thought into this story and the realm behind it.
Some might tell you this first chapter is lengthy but I like the informative pace of the piece. Do you know how many chapters you intend to include? Or maybe a final word count, of one exists?
I saw this on the Plug Page. Though there were things I would've changed (and I marked those as I read) I liked the piece as a whole and also as an introduction into something larger. I might be so courageous as to ask that you give my own novel a glance. "Sylvester & Tuette: Cursed Doubt" Much thanks would be in order. I hope you continue with this story and keep sharing. And, as always, keep writing.
Than Pence
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