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 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 11:26 Pretty straightforward title, right? I was wondering what to write about and my son was climbing onto my chair behind me so I thought, why not! He's got chicken pox right now. You would think he would be a little less of a nuisance when he's ill but noooo, of course not! He's everywhere! Every single thing that I tell him not to do, he does without delay. He seems to have taken a particular liking for the wheely, spinny chair which I'm sat on right now. I don't blame him but I can't do anything when he's trying to push me off! Aside from that, other things which are really getting on my nerves these days are my kitten, who wants to go outside all the time, and my husband, who has also had chicken pox and has been the biggest annoyance around these past week (although he was a lot better yesterday and has since been a lot more human). Basically, I'm annoyed by everything. Maybe there's something here...maybe, in actuality, the problem is...me? X_X Meh. I'm trying to get back into the mindset of writing my novel - manuscript no. ...3.5? Something like that. I'm wasting so much time. I have two assignments that still need doing and I keep putting those off too. But a few days ago, I had a bit of an epiphany. Well, not as much an epiphany as a moment of annoyance at myself (hey, I guess I do have a problem! I annoy even myself!) because it's a pretty obvious thing. If you wait for the "right moment" to come along before you make a start on something, you'll be waiting forever. How do you even tell which moment is right? Is there going to be a holy glow coming from the computer screen, with words magically appearing, telling you that the time is now? If something needs to be done, you need to do it now. Don't leave for tomorrow what you can do today, right? Not just in writing, but in being a mother too. I keep telling myself that my relationship with my son will be much better as he grows older. I'll shout less and we'll talk more as he starts to understand more. But the foundations I'm setting for him, the too-strict boundaries I want him to adhere to at all costs...won't it just mean he'll rebel later and do whatever he can to not spend time with me? Attitudes and behaviours have a tendency to become habits and I don't want being a harsh and overly strict mom to become my default attitude towards him. This got deep, surprisingly. Anyways, I'm hoping to start working on my novel today! I'll report back tomorrow how I did (if I did), if I remember. 11:45 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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